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Success is a Series of Failures Interrupted by Persistence

11/29/2021

Premise:

With a goal that burns deep within you, with the perseverance of a honey badger, and knowing the path required to get to that goal, you will get make it! This I know because I lived it. The formula is simple, ((Goal + Path) x Perseverance) = Success. The very difficult part is obtaining the terms within that formula.

Why is success so difficult?

Not everyone has a goal. Those that do have a goal may not know the path (or have a plan) to get there. Having those key parts of the equation is a wonderful start, but it will all fall apart without perseverance.

I feel strongly that parents can be key factors in a child obtaining this formula and seeing it through!

For those of you who are not fans of math, I have a story to share:

This recent West Point graduate (2019) is Alex Idrache. He grew up in a slum in Haiti, and he tells the story of how U.S. soldiers were deployed to his neighborhood following the earthquake there several years ago. He says their presence was the first experience of "hope" he recalls in his childhood.

He remembers looking at his dad and asking him who the people were that were helping. His dad looked at him and said, "They are American soldiers." He looked back at his father and said, "One day, I will be an American soldier." His father knew the situation in Haiti was unworkable and tried for several years to obtain a visa to come to the United States. After being denied for several years, he was finally granted a spot in Baltimore. He purchased a ticket on a boat for his family and left Haiti. They arrived and Alex, remembering his dream in the slum several years prior, looked for a way to join the U.S. Army. He found a national guard program that allowed him to join the Army in exchange for citizenship. He didn't hesitate.

After a series of fortunate occurrences, he was given one of the few spots at West Point for prior enlisted soldiers. Despite his severe lack of formal education, he graduated as an honor graduate (top 5% physically and academically) and the top student in the Physics Department. This picture was taken just prior to tossing his hat in the air, the realization of a dream that began 10 years ago in a slum in Port-au-Prince.

If he can do this, what can you do for yourself, or for your child?
Helping Fathers to be Dads Blog

My book, The Power of Dadhood a easy read for dads

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Things You Rarely Hear

11/22/2021

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In these "things you rarely hear", there is some humor (hopefully), but they also have "things to think about.". Here are a few lines I assume you are not likely to hear very often - although quite a few people live within these circumstances.

It’s all about wisdom, listening, learning, and choices folks.

* * *

Hey, if your friends are doing it, it must be okay.
I’ve learned so much in my safe place!
I wish I had a good reason to be on Dr. Phil’s show.
If only I had quit school earlier.
Getting my girlfriend pregnant opened so many doors.
I learned a lot about life watching the Kardashians.
My parents made me too independent.
Being a teen parent is so much better than hanging out with friends.
I never knew 'one night stands' could be so fulfilling.
No dear, you hold the remote.
Personal hygiene is so overrated.
I just LOVE living with my parents.
Yes, I find Birkenstocks very sexy!
I found my best friends through sexting.
My kids never liked being read to.
Heroin made my life so much easier.
If I had it to do over again, I would.
Those nicotine stains give you character.
I do love rhubarb.
Knowing my kids’ friends never was a good idea.
Hey, did you enjoy your overdose as much as I enjoyed mine?
What an awesome shopping cart! Where did you find it?
My dad knows so much more than me.
My kids think I’m too easy on them.
I wish there weren’t so many parks!
My wife hates jewelry.
I try not be consistent. It's too predictable.
Where can I buy that T-shirt? It’s so clever!
My kids love finding those little needles on the sidewalk.
That book, The Power of Dadhood, was terrible! *

Michael Byron Smith, Helping Fathers to be Dads Blog
* I'm crossing my fingers on this last one!

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The Six Best Fathers Under the Sun

11/15/2021

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A good father will make an enormous difference in a child's life. It happens through his strength, support, and discipline as a parent. Being a dad is never easy, but it is rewarding. Seeing your well-adjusted children succeed is beyond comparison. Conversely, the world suffers when fathers are not positive influences! So with tongue-in-cheek, here are my top six fathers under the sun!

1. Mike Mentor

Mike is aware of the need to give constant guidance to his kids. He helps them to understand why things are as they are and teaches them how to avoid trouble and how to handle problems. Mike encourages and motivates his children to always do their best.

2. Alvin Attention

Al knows his kids! He knows their strengths and weaknesses. By supporting their strengths and helping with their weaknesses, Al is shaping his children’s ability to handle their lives in the future. He listens to them with his eyes and ears. Whenever his kids have an important event, it is Al’s top priority. They know he is there for them!

3. Conrad Consistency

Conrad doesn’t confuse his children. He has rules that are fair and reasonable, and he enforces them. Conrad never makes promises he can’t keep nor does he forget to follow up on a deserved punishment. This dad is dependable and his kids know what is expected of them. They can always count on their dad!

4. Harvey Humor

Harvey is a serious parent but a fun dad. His kids love to be around him and they look to him when they are down to see the bright side of things. Harvey knows when to be serious, but he also knows that having a sense of humor can bring his family closer together. He plays with his kids, teases gently, but doesn’t go too far. Harvey's children are thrilled to see him walk through the door!

5. Peter Principle

Pete strives to live his life with integrity and wants his children to do the same. He has strong values and is an example for his children to follow. Peter accepts that mistakes will be made, but never hesitates to correct his children when necessary. He is honest, moral, and has rules and limits. He teaches by being a model for his children to follow.

6. Larry Love

Larry is open about his love of his family. He is gentle, kind and available. He tells his kids when they do well, but will not hesitate to show he cares enough to correct them when necessary. Larry is known for pats on the back and his constant shouts of encouragement. He’s not afraid to look his kids in the eye and say ‘I love you!’

Summary

Every father has his own strengths as do the six dads above. The key thing to know about these six fathers is that they are all related—all in the same extended family. For example, every father above also has the characteristics of the other five fathers because mentoring cannot be done without attention, nor should it be done without principles. Love alone will not enable you to raise well-adjusted children. There must be consistency in their lives or they will be confused. There must be humor or there will be a lack of interest and/or memories without smiles. There are many best fathers in this world because you can only be the best dad in your own family. And that’s all that counts--and that’s all that matters.

These are the fatherly ideals I discuss in my book which add up to “Dadhood”!

Search #powerofdadhood on Twitter and Facebook.

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Birth of a Father

11/15/2021

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“I realized that I was the most important man on the face of the earth to this child”
~ Barry McIntosh, Director of Young Fathers of Santa Fe

A new father admires his daughter as does the grandmother.

Intro to Birth of a Father

Being a father changes a man. It forces him to look at himself and make choices. He asks himself “What will I be from here forth? Will I be up to the task? What will happen to the old me?”

Every new father awakens to a responsibility that can make him whole or shake him to the core. As reported by the National Fatherhood Initiative, 34% of children live absent their biological father. Too often the reasons for the father missing in the home involve not having the internal confidence and/or external means to perform as a dad. Encouragement, mentoring, being welcomed into fathering are sometimes lacking. The lack of any of these can cause a young man to be misinterpreted as not caring.

In the following article you will see how one man awakens to, and cherishes, his new role as a father. As he states in his article, “I realized that I was the most important man on the face of the earth to this child”

Birth of a Father, written by Barry McIntosh, was originally published in 2005 in Tumbleweeds, A Quarterly Newspaper for Santa Fe Families. It is worth republishing now that his daughter is a teenager. Mr. McIntosh was Director of the Young Fathers of Santa Fe, who serve to support young men to become great fathers.

<http://youngfathersofsantafe.org/>

Birth of a Father

The first time I held my daughter I was birthed as a man and as a father. Just minutes after her birth I was cradling her small head in my hands with her mass of dark hair framing her pudgy face. Her eyes looked at me with wide questioning and instinctive knowing. I looked back and welcomed her into the world. As we stared into each others souls I discovered so much. I realized that I was the most important man on the face of the earth to this child. I had never had that experience before and it was all due to my child. I realized that we would have a life together with much happiness and some sorrow. I realized that we had a destiny together and that she would be my greatest teacher and I hers. We were so connected we felt as one. There was a transformation occurring between us, an alchemy reaction that was a spiritual blooming, a truly mythic event. It reached down and moved me at my very core, to the very core of what it means to be male, what it means to be human and what it means to become a father. It is the story of my life, and it is my myth. My wife was watching all this from her bed, looking at us connect. She said that neither of us blinked for half and hour. We were just as one. She saw the magic happening. She also said “I want that with our next child” and we both made sure she did have that with our next child.

I now know what happened that day. From a purely biological perspective strange things are going on. For involved fathers at birth and for a month after the levels of testosterone drops by 33%, estrogen, even though men only have about 10% of what women have, increases 1 month prior and 3 months after birth and prolactin, the hormone that helps produce breast milk, increases in men by 20% for 3 weeks after birth.

Seeing our daughter for the first time I began to understand what had been going on with my wife and the pregnancy. Many men are visually orientated, and I am one of them, so when I finally saw my child I understood what she had been experiencing during the nine months of her pregnancy. Modern technology, namely ultrasound, has now given men an early view of their children before birth. My conversations with fathers indicate that this view has helped them connect with their child earlier. I suspect that the hormonal changes that occur at birth may be happening earlier because of this connection. This is helping the fathers and helps the mothers feel better about their pregnancy. Mothers to be, now see the fathers more involved. It’s wonderful to observe the many young fathers that I work with proudly carrying around their child’s first ultrasound photo in their wallets.

A father’s role in our society seems pretty clear, the father is the provider. It is assumed that the father makes sure there is a roof over the families heads, and that there is food on the table. He is seen as the protector of the family against intrusion or any damaging elements. Usually he is also the strength around the family, which can mean that fathers are in the role as the main person who disciplines the children.

I had all that growing up. It had been modeled for me well. We were a non-physically affectionate family in true Victorian fashion. My father shared responsibility for childcare and keeping the family together very well, so in some aspects of fatherhood I was well prepared but sadly lacking in others. Unfortunately what was also modeled for me was emotional unavailability. I learned very quickly that I had other fatherly roles other than the ones that were modeled for me.

Our first daughter was born overdue by a week. Consequently her skin was constantly in need of massages with oil. I loved the job of giving her a massage each day and this really helped our physical connection. It was a great time just for me and her, it also gave my wife welcome relief from being the main childcare provider. This expanded when our second daughter was born and I then assumed the role, when returning from work, as the bather of the girls. I loved connecting to both my daughters and this built a fantastic bond to both, I was seen as a fun person to be with, a role that I cherished.

When we became pregnant with our second daughter, I wanted to be much more prepared. We attended Childbirth Preparation classes. At the birth of our second daughter I had learned to really feel part of the team and a support for my wife. I had a job to do including timing contractions, supplying ice chips, protecting my wife from the many visitors, being the communicator for the nurses to my wife and for her to the nurses. I felt in control, which I later found very useful for my wife. If the coach can be in control then the laboring woman can surrender into the birth energy and feel comfortable in being out of control, a necessary place to be to let birth take its course unrestricted. This is important work for a man as it taps into his role as problem solver and protector. I felt useful and successful and the experience of birth was greatly enhanced.

I started to work with my wife in her role of a Lamaze childbirth educator. We had classes in our home and I would see fathers being dragged in by their partners. I saw that these classes were uncomfortable for many men. Childbirth is a woman’s domain with mainly women in support roles as nurses and birth assistance. To encourage men into this environment is difficult at best and takes a lot of skill and intention. So I began to teach the coaches role in my wife’s classes. This was very successful and later I created a session just for the fathers on how to care for a newborn. This class was great fun and the guys felt more confident as a caregiver and support to their partners. Often men need a role of action and problem solving to feel complete and useful and that is what we tried to give them.

Later I attended classes to train as a Doula, not really with the intention of practicing as one but to ensure the males’ role was represented. The training was helpful and fascinating both for others to see a male in attendance and to hear the males perspective. We still have a ways to go because if you look up the word Doula in the dictionary one often finds it described as “a woman birth assistant.” I have also had the privilege of being a Doula for a father, helping him through the process of supporting himself and his partner and moving into the father role.

As time went on my role as father had to change and adapt to the ever-changing family needs. I discovered that I was moving into a realm that was very different to my single days, that of the King archetype. The King is the protector of the land and his subjects, a benevolent leader and when my own father died this role immediately became more apparent and vital. I also looked back and realized that the fathers’ role is unique. A father shows his children how men are in the world and mothers cannot do that. I feel that the fathers role is such an important role and sometimes it is not valued enough in our culture.

My children have been my greatest teachers and continue giving me the most wonderful lessons of life. Now I have merged my knowledge about being a father with my passion for teaching fathers and others about fatherhood. I work with The New Mexico Young Fathers Project to pass on these lessons and support these young men in their journey to fatherhood. Showing them the way to their own unique experience of becoming a father, a king and a man.

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A Beautiful Way to Parent

11/1/2021

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“Beauty is only skin deep.”
That’s what they say, and it’s true.
Substance is what’s most important,
But one should give beauty its due.

mbs

If you make breakfast for your kids, you're being a parent. If you make pancakes with strawberry eyes and a whipped cream smile, that's beautiful parenting. It's that little extra effort that stands out.

To me, beauty is the truest sign of caring! The beauty I'm referring to can be visual, of course, but it can also be an act, a thought, or an introduction of soul into a lifeless situation.

I’ve been fortunate enough to have visited Europe a few times. What really stuns me about that part of the world is the splendor of its architecture. There seems to be an appreciation for beauty there that is lacking in many US cities and towns. Cinder blocks can do an excellent job if all one needs is a reliable, safe structure, but it gives nothing to the soul. Any church, mosque, or synagogue will serve its congregation. But those structures that are magnificent bring a depth of meaning to worshipers that a converted strip-mall, storefront ‘house of worship’ cannot.

I visit coffee shops and see people come and go. I can’t judge them or know what they may have accomplished. I do notice, however, how they dress and carry themselves. I particularly appreciate a senior man or woman who takes pride in their appearance. It tells me something positive about them.

When watching homes being rehabbed on TV, I notice the rehabbers check the structure, heating, and cooling, etc. to be sure the house is safe and sound. The house is worthless if not safe and livable. But the house will go unsold until a designer makes it visually and emotionally appealing.

Art may serve to convey a message or capture a scene, but without beauty, or an attention-getting setting, any message will be lost , any scene unnoticed. Art serves beauty, and beauty serves art.

A rainbow has no substance outside of water molecules -- but rainbows are noticed! We can’t touch or use a rainbow; yet we watch them, sing and write about them, and see them as symbols of goodness.

The beauty of nature captures us all! The duty of a flower is simply to be pleasing to the eye. There is beauty in a desert, a wheat field, a canyon, or a mountain. But the more beautiful the scene, the more people search for and write about it.

There can be beauty in the spoken or written word. A speaker or author without this talent will go unnoticed. “I walk in the park,” gets across an action. But, “I often go to the park to watch people, to smell the grass, and throw rocks in the pond,” is deeper. The first sentence is the substance, but the second sentence places beauty within the substance.

I like to notice things. When the day is over, and beauty was a part of it, I am a much happier, richer person. So I say, “YES”! Beauty is only skin deep, but beauty is the icing on the cake, the sun shining through the flag, the glimmer of the lake, the smile on a child’s face, and the spice of my life.

So why do I talk about beauty?

This may not seem like a discussion about parenting and fatherhood. But it remains a lesson for this reason. There are practical and necessary responsibilities of parents that are basic and vitally important. However, to be a successful family you must bring beauty into your home! It is essential to show both substance and splendor as a parent. You should avoid being a 'rainbow mother' -- beauty with no substance. Nor should you be a 'cinder-block father' – protective, practical, and stoic. Instead, be that ‘work of art’ parent with a substantial and beautiful message to share. Or be a solidly built home with character and appeal making it a pleasant place to be. Write or speak words to your kids that excite them, challenge them, and encourage them. Mix those beautiful messages in with those soul-less messages such as, “Do your homework,” or “Clean up your room.” Balance!

Summary

Balance is a key maxim in parenting. As an example, a dad can be stern and maintain the love of his children if he has also revealed the beauty of his character. Being cheerful and fun is the beautiful side of parenting. Every facet of parenting has a responsible, substantive aspect that can be more effective with some beauty mixed in. We’ve seen and read too many stories where a father is at odds with his child, a child that he loves dearly. This occurs when there is no balance to the substantive parenting the father sees as his duty, resulting in a weak connection between the two. Without some beauty and love expressed in a family, the necessary and less enjoyable responsibilities of parenting will be much more difficult.

#powerofdadhood

Read, The Power of Dadhood, by Michael Byron Smith

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​Success is a Series of Failures Interrupted by Persistence

​Things You Rarely Hear

The Six Best Fathers Under the Sun

Birth of a Father

Birth of a Father

​A Beautiful Way to Parent

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Success is a Series of Failures Interrupted by Persistence

Things You Rarely Hear

A Beautiful Way to Parent