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Life Lessons through Flying

8/29/2021

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PictureAuthor during USAF Pilot Training
Introduction:

Those of you who have followed this blog, “Helping Fathers to be Dads”, know about my book on fatherhood entitled, “The Power of Dadhood”. The book was written from the standpoint of a father whose own father was not there for him, nor for his siblings. I am now writing a memoir of my childhood describing the unnecessary struggles we battled to succeed. What helped me to overcome the lack of help from, and even the obstruction of, my father, was my strong desire to be a pilot, which gave me purpose.

Currently, I am in an editing phase of my memoir, which I find quite difficult. I have added, deleted and flipped paragraphs, even chapters. I have written and rewritten sentences over and over again. Complete scenes seemed irrelevant on review and therefore dropped as I continued to fine tune my message . During this editing, I continued to write this blog each week.

Following is a deleted story from my draft. I found it was too redundant and excessive. But it is somewhat humorous, so I decided I could use it here as fatherly advice. The intent of the story was to show how failure is often caused by overthinking. When there is only time to react, you may find out you are more capable than you know.

The Excerpt

My slow start during T-37 training had passed, and I was getting into a rhythm. On a T-38 cross country training flight from California back to Texas, my instructor and I were leaving March AFB on a typically low overcast morning. This young captain, my mentor, had visited friends in the area and had a late night of celebration.

We were cruising around 30,000 feet over Phoenix, Arizona, and the ship was mine, meaning I was flying the aircraft. Suddenly, the nose of the T-38 shot straight up vertically! I did not know what was happening as I heard my instructor mumbling to me, “You…. have… the (gurgle)… air…craaaft.” With that, I pushed the control stick forward to stop the climb and descended back to our assigned altitude. When I leveled off, I asked him if he was okay. He replied, “I’m sick… very sick, you’ve got it from here.” I never heard another word from him until landing 800 miles later when he said, “Good job”! I taxied in, my instructor crawled out of the rear cockpit looking like a ghost and mumbled, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The airman directed us to our parking location, climbed the ladder to the rear cockpit, and began cursing as if he were in the Navy! My instructor had thrown up all over the cockpit and left it to the ground crew to clean up. Courtesy held that any pilot who lost his lunch would clean up his mess, but my instructor was too sick to do that in his condition. Hopefully, he apologized to the young airman later.

The T-38 Talon had taken a sudden climb upward over the Phoenix area because the instructor hit the trim button on the top of the control stick as he was vomiting his breakfast into his flight glove. The purpose of the trim button is to adjust the pressure felt on the control stick as the flow of air over the control surfaces changes. To keep from losing control, I had to push the stick forward against all the pressure of the trimmed surfaces while ‘re-trimming’ (nose down) to a level flight position. Of course, when you are climbing and then push forward, you will become weightless. I can only imagine what this did to my flight instructor’s stomach, not to mention the vomit in the cockpit and that captured in his flight glove!
​

That flight taught me I could do what I needed to do when I needed to do it. Not that what I did was difficult at that point in my training. First, I had to recover from an unexpected out-of-control situation. Then, I had to take full responsibility for the aircraft, the instructor, and myself. Without the ‘chance’ to anticipate the challenge, it went flawlessly. This positive outcome came because I didn’t make it more difficult in my head beforehand.

Summary

My issue as a boy growing up was confidence and poor self-esteem. I carried these feelings into the Air Force. While I earned my wings, I had to fight every day to do so. Acting with full confidence and valuing myself would have allowed my training to be more enjoyable and made me a better pilot. I was learning basic life skills at a place and time when I should have simply been learning the skills of an Air Force pilot. I think I would have been in the top of my class had my father been there to prepare me. Fathers! Please mentor your children. Learn what they can do well, what scares them, and what interests them. You can guide them to a greater success!




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The Decay of American Grit – Fear of the Unlikely

8/23/2021

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PictureMy 6 yr old granddaughter jumping off a cliff.
Fear can be a lifesaver. Fear can also be a burden that reduces our life experiences and our chances for a full life. I had a fear of worms as a child and shied away from fishing. Consequently, I felt some shame. When I became older, I had a fear of leaving the United States, until I did, then finding it one of the most rewarding activities I have ever known. My fear of water was a huge, keeping me safe until I learned to swim at eight years old. After this, rivers, lakes, pools became fun adventures and pastimes.

Unnecessary fear grips many of us as we watch events on the news, not realizing that what we are watching may be real, but magnified and laser-focused almost without exception. This focus gives a false impression of the danger to us and our loved ones. A bridge collapses and you now fear crossing bridges, not considering that death by a bridge collapsing is astronomically uncommon. This magnification makes an unlikely incident seem likely. If you magnified a drop of common drinking water, you may never drink water again because, like a bridge collapse, you are seeing ugly things you normally don’t see.

Alternatively, we may not be aware of some unworthy risks because they do not have the scrutiny we get from our outside sources. Some may take certain drugs, not knowing the danger. Even prescribed drugs have danger. We have a 1 in 92 chance of dying of opioid abuse in our lifetime. Knowing this, you can reduce your odd to zero if you choose. We often ignore or choose to be ignorant of the risks for things we want to do.

In recent years, with expanding technology and social media, we have taken the woes that used to be suffered by a few and shared the pain amongst all of us through shared knowledge. When the shared pain reduces the severity of the few, by taking certain actions, it is a good thing. But when that pain becomes a burden without proper reasoning or positive results, it hurts the innocent far more than it helps the burdened.

As old people often say, “In my day, we did this and that.” It sounds trite, but it is true! In my day, some aspects of daily life were worse, but some were better. While the good things in life often come from technology, making our world safer and more comfortable, many of the bad things come from social influencing and lack of understanding of risks or statistics.

Risk consists of two components, likelihood and consequence. When we focus on the consequence more than the likelihood, we may miss opportunities like a life saving operation where death from the operation is one in a thousand. On the other hand, if we focus on high likelihood of a consequence, but the consequence is very low, like striking out in a baseball game, we miss out on competition and experiences.

If you can’t handle a one in a thousand risk here and there, you’re going to have a boring life. Yet many shy away from potential joy or gain when a risk is one in a million, or less. But that is certainly your choice! It may help, however, to spend some time analyzing common risks we take every day. Would you do something where the odds of dying from this thing in your lifetime are 1 in 100? Maybe not, but if you don’t, you will never ride in a car. Actual odds of injury or death for certain activities can be seen on the National Safety Council website.

https://injuryfacts.nsc.org/all-injuries/preventable-death-overview/odds-of-dying/
​

As stated by NSC, “Fear is natural and healthy. It can help us respond to danger more quickly or avoid a dangerous situation altogether. It can also cause us to worry about the wrong things, especially when it comes to estimating our level of risk.
If we overestimate our risk in one area, it can lead to anxiety and interfere with carrying out our normal daily routine. Ironically, it also leads us to underestimate real risks that can injure or kill us.
It can be difficult to accurately assess the biggest risks we face. Plane crashes, being struck by lightning, or being attacked by a dog are common fears, but what about falls, the danger inside a bottle of pills, or your drive to work?”
 
I think it important for parents to have a handle on risks, rewards, natural fears, and unhealthy fears when raising their children. Knowing the risks of certain activities, regarding both likelihood and consequence, is helpful and imperative for you and your children’s happiness and safety! Some parents are risk averse and may cheat their children of fun and learning, while others are overly risk tolerant, sacrificing too much safety. There is a middle ground which may vary for each family and person. And vary it does!
 
Michael Byron Smith
Author of “The Power of Dadhood”



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The Character of Children

8/16/2021

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Picture
Reposted from August 2018

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”
—Frederick Douglass

When I was a new father, it never occurred to me to be a life coach. Sure, my wife and I would teach our children practical things like colors, numbers, dos and don’ts, and simple manners. But developing character wasn’t on my radar. As my children grew physically and as I grew in maturity as a dad, it dawned on me that having values and good character were at least as important as having an academic education.

As the oldest child of six, in a mostly single-parent home, life lessons were more basic and most certainly of short term value during my childhood. There is no doubt that my siblings and I suffered from a lack of character training. There were issues of confidence, respect, self-control, attitude, and ethics lacking in varying degrees among us. Without an early introduction of these tenets, it can take time to work things out--if we ever do. Given that we are sometimes born without certain values, then the absence of character training can become a huge obstacle in one’s life!

My wife and I wanted our children to have every advantage in meeting all of life’s challenges. Encouraging them in their studies and correcting behavior as necessary were obvious responsibilities as parents, but I began to do more as I learned more myself. I would often write notes and thoughts to encourage and teach them (example).  Surely, they thought I was a little square, maybe even a nerdy dad. But that was okay with me, and they knew I cared.

I don’t know how much thought goes into character building by other parents, but their actions are teaching character every day. It’s obvious from this fact that our character matters quite a bit. From The Power of Dadhood, “A father must have good character to use his influence properly. Having good character and knowing how to influence others, using respect and being respectful, you will have all the tools necessary to be an outstanding Dad.” *
 
So what makes up character? Here are a few areas to look at.
 
Respect – Respect is many things! It is an appreciation for what’s given to or shared with you. It is acceptance of proper authority. It is an admiration for those you trust. It is deference to those who know better. Children must learn that when no respect is given, no respect will be received.

Patience – Simply stated, patience is the ‘delay of gratification’. It is self-control. This is one of the most important principles for success. Children that can do what’s best for themselves before doing what is most pleasing at the time will be more successful than an impetuous child that wants dessert before dinner or who wants to play in the pool, but not take swimming lessons. Aristotle stated, “Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.”

Confidence – This is a two-edged sword. False confidence without ability can be disastrous. Ability without confidence can be wasteful and inefficient. Therefore, building confidence must be groomed and supervised, one of a parent’s most important responsibilities. Challenge your kids with incrementally tough but achievable tasks to build their confidence. Also, “What a father does to prepare his children for the challenges of life will likely be different from their mother’s approach”.

Courage – With absorbed confidence comes greater courage to try new challenges. Trying new challenges, whether successful or not, will create true growth. Parent’s need to gently coax their children to face their fears. Sometimes, it is best to suggest a dip of a toe in the water of fear. Other times it might (with good judgement) be best to jump right in.

“Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.” —Brendan Francis Behan

Fairness – I just recently wrote an article on fairness. In short, I suggest not letting your children expect fairness in life while teaching them to be as fair as possible to others. People can be fair but often they are not. Nature has no concept of fairness. Lightning can strike anyone. Fairness to others includes honesty and integrity. Integrity will fight the unfairness of peer pressure. Fairness is good and real. Expecting fairness is a trap to avoid.

Attitude – Attitude is how you dress your brain. Will it be shorts or long pants? Bright or Gothic? Business or casual? You shouldn’t wear shorts or be Gothic-casual to an interview. Nor would you wear business attire to the beach. One’s attitude can change, but it must match the occasion. As a parent, you help your kids develop good attitudes by supporting good attitudes. A good attitude is a key ingredient in achieving goals, having confidence, and being persistent, and is important in being likable.

Values – Building character in your children is basically teaching the values you deem most important.
It is in the home . . .
  • where children should learn kindness, goodness, values, discipline, and manners.
  • where children should find understanding, care, and comfort.
  • where successful lives should begin, with open minds, encouragement, and love.
  • where compassion should exist, where the safety nets of our children’s failures are made of rubber bands, ready to sling them back into the world—stronger, wiser, and with new momentum.

When the home is successful then your children will ‘Have basic values you always live by, such as:
​
  • Respect for others
  • Honesty and integrity in all you do
  • Doing what is best and not what is easiest’

When your children have self-worth and acceptance from family, then they won’t look elsewhere for it.
Looking for acceptance can become more important than having values.…children can try new things and be influenced by others, but the values you have molded will remain.

Not always will our efforts bear fruit any more than the apple tree I planted six years ago. But someday that tree will bear fruit unlike the trees I never planted.  Do your due diligence as a mother, a father, and a mentor. We owe it to our children!

* All italicized sentences are excerpts from my book, “The Power of Dadhood – How to become the Father Your Child Needs”

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Put Pressure On Your Kids, To Keep the Pressure Off!

8/2/2021

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Picture
“I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.”
A 15 year old

By being tough on your kids and placing them in pressure situations, you can help them handle pressure in the future, pressure that often comes from forces outside the home. As a young teen, I was riding with some boys who decided to smash mailboxes with a baseball bat. I didn’t want to do that, but I didn’t know how to get out of it-not having the moxie to object. Although I wasn’t actively involved, I was part of the problem.

Many of us performed destructive acts when growing up. A few people might look back and think "that was fun", or a rite of passage. Many others just went along with the crowd either out of fear or just to fit in. Still others can’t explain why they acted destructively. Of course, young people still do things that don't make sense.

This is not about being mischievous or inquisitive. All kids learn about life, rules, and limits by experimentation and participation, and not always in the smartest of ways. But anti-social behavior, experimenting with drugs, drinking, making fun of others (outside of  friendly banter with friends), being destructive, mean, or uncouth are not activities that can be easily overlooked.

Some reasons young people exhibit anti-social behavior.
  • A social disorder like ADHD
  • A lack of self-esteem
  • Frustration
  • Family environment
  • Peer pressure

Parents are a major factor, or an influence, in all of these reasons, even deciding on treatment for ADHD.

Self-esteem can be nurtured with positive talk, support, and demonstrated love. On the other hand, kids can be depressed or filled with frustration when they are ignored, belittled, or never praised by their parents. Lacking self-esteem, young people look for ways to create it themselves. Their immaturity will often do so in the wrong ways, with bravado and/or looking for affection in the wrong places.

Frustration happens to all of us. The key here is to talk about frustration and how it handle it. Perhaps more important is being an example, someone who doesn't panic or lose their temper when frustrated. What you do is more important than what you say!

Family environment is very important! Parents of troubled children often show a high level of antisocial behavior themselves. In one study, the parents of delinquent boys were more often alcoholic or criminal, and their homes were frequently disrupted by divorce, separation or the absence of a parent.

While boys are most likely to cause physical damage when getting into mischief, girls are not immune to their own brand of rebellion. Besides less disruptive acts like smoking and drinking, girls can rebel or look for approval through sexual activity. Parents who have  have the ear and respect of their daughters can save them from terrible decisions. Mistakes in sex are particularly punishing to young females.
 
Continuing with daughters, I state in The Power of Dadhood,

​“Many times the father will be “hated” by his daughter for doing what is right for her. Do what you must anyway—she doesn’t really hate you. She’s really tricking herself, and you, to see if you really care enough to be engaged in her life. Her ego may actually be angry, but her real being will feel love and protection. The ego’s anger will fade, and your daughter’s love will grow. This is difficult to believe sometimes, but if you are not unreasonable in your demands and really show concern for her, no amount of proper interference will ever harm your relationship.” 

Lastly is peer pressure. A kid can fight peer pressure in several ways. Again, the parents are key! Here’s how:
  • Strong values: Kids who have been taught strong values seldom find themselves in sticky situations. They find friends with similar values and are not tempted to do something they should not.

  • Restrictions: Good parents have restrictions, keeping their children out of potentially dangerous and uncomfortable situations.

  • Respect: Good parents are respected and their children do not want to let them down. Their true friends will understand this and won’t even suggest destructive or anti-social behavior to them. And kids with good parents will admit to friends or acquaintances, of not being willing to disappoint, or letting down their parents.

Summary:

When your children get into trouble, there are few reasons that do not have something to do with how they were raised. Learn the ropes of being a parent. It’s not always instinctive. Learn from others. Have rules. Be consistent. Take time to know what is going on in the lives of your children. It's not easy, but it is rewarding!
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