“I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.”
A 15 year old
A 15 year old
By being tough on your kids and placing them in pressure situations, you can help them handle pressure in the future, pressure that often comes from forces outside the home. As a young teen, I was riding with some boys who decided to smash mailboxes with a baseball bat. I didn’t want to do that, but I didn’t know how to get out of it-not having the moxie to object. Although I wasn’t actively involved, I was part of the problem.
Many of us performed destructive acts when growing up. A few people might look back and think "that was fun", or a rite of passage. Many others just went along with the crowd either out of fear or just to fit in. Still others can’t explain why they acted destructively. Of course, young people still do things that don't make sense.
This is not about being mischievous or inquisitive. All kids learn about life, rules, and limits by experimentation and participation, and not always in the smartest of ways. But anti-social behavior, experimenting with drugs, drinking, making fun of others (outside of friendly banter with friends), being destructive, mean, or uncouth are not activities that can be easily overlooked.
Some reasons young people exhibit anti-social behavior.
Parents are a major factor, or an influence, in all of these reasons, even deciding on treatment for ADHD.
Self-esteem can be nurtured with positive talk, support, and demonstrated love. On the other hand, kids can be depressed or filled with frustration when they are ignored, belittled, or never praised by their parents. Lacking self-esteem, young people look for ways to create it themselves. Their immaturity will often do so in the wrong ways, with bravado and/or looking for affection in the wrong places.
Frustration happens to all of us. The key here is to talk about frustration and how it handle it. Perhaps more important is being an example, someone who doesn't panic or lose their temper when frustrated. What you do is more important than what you say!
Family environment is very important! Parents of troubled children often show a high level of antisocial behavior themselves. In one study, the parents of delinquent boys were more often alcoholic or criminal, and their homes were frequently disrupted by divorce, separation or the absence of a parent.
While boys are most likely to cause physical damage when getting into mischief, girls are not immune to their own brand of rebellion. Besides less disruptive acts like smoking and drinking, girls can rebel or look for approval through sexual activity. Parents who have have the ear and respect of their daughters can save them from terrible decisions. Mistakes in sex are particularly punishing to young females.
Continuing with daughters, I state in The Power of Dadhood,
“Many times the father will be “hated” by his daughter for doing what is right for her. Do what you must anyway—she doesn’t really hate you. She’s really tricking herself, and you, to see if you really care enough to be engaged in her life. Her ego may actually be angry, but her real being will feel love and protection. The ego’s anger will fade, and your daughter’s love will grow. This is difficult to believe sometimes, but if you are not unreasonable in your demands and really show concern for her, no amount of proper interference will ever harm your relationship.”
Lastly is peer pressure. A kid can fight peer pressure in several ways. Again, the parents are key! Here’s how:
Summary:
When your children get into trouble, there are few reasons that do not have something to do with how they were raised. Learn the ropes of being a parent. It’s not always instinctive. Learn from others. Have rules. Be consistent. Take time to know what is going on in the lives of your children. It's not easy, but it is rewarding!
Many of us performed destructive acts when growing up. A few people might look back and think "that was fun", or a rite of passage. Many others just went along with the crowd either out of fear or just to fit in. Still others can’t explain why they acted destructively. Of course, young people still do things that don't make sense.
This is not about being mischievous or inquisitive. All kids learn about life, rules, and limits by experimentation and participation, and not always in the smartest of ways. But anti-social behavior, experimenting with drugs, drinking, making fun of others (outside of friendly banter with friends), being destructive, mean, or uncouth are not activities that can be easily overlooked.
Some reasons young people exhibit anti-social behavior.
- A social disorder like ADHD
- A lack of self-esteem
- Frustration
- Family environment
- Peer pressure
Parents are a major factor, or an influence, in all of these reasons, even deciding on treatment for ADHD.
Self-esteem can be nurtured with positive talk, support, and demonstrated love. On the other hand, kids can be depressed or filled with frustration when they are ignored, belittled, or never praised by their parents. Lacking self-esteem, young people look for ways to create it themselves. Their immaturity will often do so in the wrong ways, with bravado and/or looking for affection in the wrong places.
Frustration happens to all of us. The key here is to talk about frustration and how it handle it. Perhaps more important is being an example, someone who doesn't panic or lose their temper when frustrated. What you do is more important than what you say!
Family environment is very important! Parents of troubled children often show a high level of antisocial behavior themselves. In one study, the parents of delinquent boys were more often alcoholic or criminal, and their homes were frequently disrupted by divorce, separation or the absence of a parent.
While boys are most likely to cause physical damage when getting into mischief, girls are not immune to their own brand of rebellion. Besides less disruptive acts like smoking and drinking, girls can rebel or look for approval through sexual activity. Parents who have have the ear and respect of their daughters can save them from terrible decisions. Mistakes in sex are particularly punishing to young females.
Continuing with daughters, I state in The Power of Dadhood,
“Many times the father will be “hated” by his daughter for doing what is right for her. Do what you must anyway—she doesn’t really hate you. She’s really tricking herself, and you, to see if you really care enough to be engaged in her life. Her ego may actually be angry, but her real being will feel love and protection. The ego’s anger will fade, and your daughter’s love will grow. This is difficult to believe sometimes, but if you are not unreasonable in your demands and really show concern for her, no amount of proper interference will ever harm your relationship.”
Lastly is peer pressure. A kid can fight peer pressure in several ways. Again, the parents are key! Here’s how:
- Strong values: Kids who have been taught strong values seldom find themselves in sticky situations. They find friends with similar values and are not tempted to do something they should not.
- Restrictions: Good parents have restrictions, keeping their children out of potentially dangerous and uncomfortable situations.
- Respect: Good parents are respected and their children do not want to let them down. Their true friends will understand this and won’t even suggest destructive or anti-social behavior to them. And kids with good parents will admit to friends or acquaintances, of not being willing to disappoint, or letting down their parents.
Summary:
When your children get into trouble, there are few reasons that do not have something to do with how they were raised. Learn the ropes of being a parent. It’s not always instinctive. Learn from others. Have rules. Be consistent. Take time to know what is going on in the lives of your children. It's not easy, but it is rewarding!
