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Always Feed Your Kid’s Curiosity

11/27/2017

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“The future belongs to the curious. The ones who are not afraid to try it, explore it, poke at it, question it, and turn it inside out.” – Anonymous
 
Do you ever get tired of your kids asking questions? It can be exasperating but be careful about shutting them down. Curiosity is a habit that can lead to success. Curiosity is a blessing and the magnet that brings knowledge into one’s life.

I’ve heard many a parent say, “Don’t ask so many questions” Or “Just listen to me” It’s understandable! It can be maddening when a child is not satisfied with the first answer. Sometimes, you don’t have the time or patience to go through an interrogation, but whenever possible, you should answer as best you can. Better yet, tell them it was a good question, one of the best compliments you can give to a kid!

Another wonderful result of answering and encouraging your kids’ questions is the conversation that can result. Communication with your kid can is always a good thing. The more conversation, the more curiosity is stimulated. But wait! More curiosity brings on more questions. Not what you may be looking for. Yes, but it stimulates a child’s brain and your child hears more words. So what does that mean? The more words your child hears, the faster he grows emotionally and intellectually as found in the study below.

From: “The Early Catastrophe: The 30 Million Word Gap by Age 3”

“…. children living in poverty hear fewer than a third of the words heard by children from higher-income families [and that fact] has significant implications in the long run. When extrapolated to the words heard by a child within the first four years of their life these results reveal a 30 million word difference. That is, a child from a high-income family will experience 30 million more words within the first four years of life than a child from a low-income family. This gap does nothing but grow as the years progress, ensuring slow growth for children who are economically disadvantaged and accelerated growth for those from more privileged backgrounds. Source

Not only do low income kids hear far fewer words, the words they do hear are often not encouraging, further putting them at a disadvantage.

Talking and reading to your kids provides the knowledge that sparks their curiosity. Their curiosity, in turn, buys more knowledge. For example, I was never interested in trigonometry before I took it in high school. It sounded difficult and I didn’t really know how important it really was. However, when I learned you can find the exact height of a tree or a building without using an enormous tape measure by using trigonometry, I was excited. I, therefore, became very curious about the power of math. The more knowledge you obtain the potential of finding other curiosities is expanded.

Another thing to consider is not making information gathering too easy for your older children. When I was in the sixth grade, I had an assignment to write a paper using multiple sources. I wrote an essay entitled ‘Test Pilots and Famous Planes” but found an easy way out. The entire paper was written from one book and the sources I used were from the bibliography of that book. While the book was in the school library, I took the chance that my teacher didn’t know about it. I got a good grade on the paper, using five sources too! But if I had actually read those five sources, I would have learned more about airplanes and it would have stayed with me longer.

Now we have the Internet!!! Talk about easy to find references! We all know the Internet is a boon to education - or a bust, depending on how it is used. To fill a square or to get quick info, the Internet is perfect – but your retention will be challenged and it may deter you from many a journey into potentially interesting areas. The theory ‘why remember facts when I can look them up’ denies that dates and names are just a small part of any subjest.  If you know the story of the American Revolution, you can look up dates. But if you don’t know that story, the dates are meaningless!

There’s another issue regarding the Internet and curiosity, and it effects adults as much or more than children. It is the high likelihood of being sidetracked into rabbit holes of worthless knowledge, -celebrity news, games, gossip, etc. Yes, that’s curiosity too, but there is both curiosity for titillating information and curiosity for knowledge, knowledge that will improve one’s life. Observation and auditing is another area where parents must be involved! Regulate the use of the Internet to suit the needs and personalities of your children, allowing some fun but emphasizing its power in satisfying their curiosity about the world and its wonders.

Summary
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Curiosity will allow your children to grow, to avoid boredom, to love learning, and to be a great candidate for success! Let your kids ask questions and answer them when you can!  Help them find new interests. Encourage them to learn without taking too many shortcuts.  If they have a natural curiosity, feed it. If they seem to not be curious, find something they are interested in and ask questions about the topic for which they may not know the answers. A curious kid is rarely bored and a curious kid with involved parents doesn’t go down as many rabbit holes.

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​Building a Father-Child Rapport

11/20/2017

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PictureB-52 Cockpit

Clear and unmistakable communication is important any endeavor, from ordering something online to flying airplanes, to life-saving operations. However, there are few lines of communication that are more important than those between you and your child.

Young children are our captive audience, for awhile. They will usually do their part to communicate and it’s up to parents to hear them. Outside of cleverly working to get what they want from you, young kids are very accepting of the lessons they are old enough to understand. As they get older and form their own opinions, it becomes more difficult to convince them that you are a trusted authority, but not as difficult as for those parents that did not develop an early, trusting relationship with them.

Often, a dad and his son, or daughter, will have different viewpoints on subjects from bedtime to the legalization of marijuana.  A bullying dad will state clearly that his opinions are the only ones that matter and he will expect complete compliance. Often, this father is right and his child will comply, but the child may not be convinced because there was no discussion and his or her compliance may not be willful. These bullying dads often win the battles, but they rarely win the war. But if you can reason instead, you may win the battle and more importantly, the war too. To your child, being seen as worthy of your time and explanation of your views shows how much you care. Explaining your responsibilities, fears, and desires to keep them safe is a something they will understand, even if they don’t agree.

An example of reasoning

Let’s take the argument on the legalization of marijuana. As an authoritarian father, you will say something to the effect that “I know what’s best for you!” or “It’s illegal for a good reason and that’s that!”. But as a reasoning father you may say things like, “Why do you think it should be legal?” or “What do you think you would gain from it if it was legal?” I’m sure the answers would be interesting and insightful.

To follow up you could say something like.....“I’m not sure what I think about its legalization, but I know I want you to stay away from it for reasons outside of being illegal. I don’t want you to use it because I’m afraid of who you would be associating with to get it, when you would use it, and most importantly, why. And I really don’t know what the long-term impacts could be. Also, I would like to think peer pressure is not something you casually let affect you. Tell me who would not like you for not participating and why you would still respect them for not respecting your standards?”...

The tone is more important than the words themselves. The authoritarian dad is firm and unyielding - and yes, sometimes this approach is appropriate. The reasoning, authoritative dad is human and honest, wanting to be understood as much as anything. More times than not, this approach is more appropriate. It has staying power, not from fear, but from respect.

Older children are more apt to listen to guidance about topics they ask you about than the guidance you wish them to know. That is why it is so important to listen to them with your ears and eyes. You can tell by their actions when they have a question for you. That’s when they are most ready to receive, and hopefully accept, your advice. This takes great patience because you will want to help them with any issue right away. But until they are ready, your children (or anyone you mentor) will not hear you; or if they do seem to listen, your advice may not truly sink in.

How to tell when a message has sunk in

“Baron 51, this is Minneapolis Center, please climb and maintain flight level three-one-zero on a heading of zero-niner-zero degrees”

“Wilco (will comply) Minneapolis Center, FL 310 and 090 degrees. Baron 51.”

This is typical dialog I held with the controllers of the airways when I was flying in the U.S. Air Force.  When you are in a crowded sky, it is vitally important that information is clearly presented and received. Air controllers want to know you heard their instructions and that you understand them completely. Pilots want to know they have someone watching over them down below. 

In a family, the dad or mom are the air controllers and the kids are the pilots. For a message to be successfully transmitted it, must be delivered in a way that it can be received and understood. Oftentimes, we assume the message was delivered when it was not. This causes frustration for both involved. Our kids don’t always understand our language or get our innuendos. One technique is to have them “explain it back”. Have them tell you what you just told them and see if it’s the same thing. After a while, they will listen more intently just for self-defense. The repetition also reinforces the message to them because that is what repetition does. Like a mini-mantra, repeating a lesson or direction hammers the point in deeper and deeper.

Be on the same page!
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Did you know that English is the official language of flying around the world? This is because there can be no doubts about the directions when flying from country to country. It’s essential that clear, understandable language also be used to communicate with your kids. Another lesson from flying. Did you know there is a clear and distinct hand-off when a pilot goes from one controlling agency to another? This is another best practice that can be used by both parents to be on the same page while co-parenting. Know your children. Make sure your children know you. And be on the same page with your co-parent. And FLY SAFE!

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​Wise Investments in Parenting Will Save You and Your Child

11/13/2017

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“How one handles success or failure is determined by their early childhood. “
Harold Ramis

Being a parent is like being an investor. The more wisely you invest in early parenting, the better off you will be later. But just like saving money, not enough young parents are wise about parenting. How you raise your children in their early years will determine how easy or difficult it will be to work with them as they grow older. It will also determine their tendency to be successful in life. Here are two situations with which I am personally familiar.

Case 1: Liberal Parenting

I coached my son’s baseball team for 3 years. It was a rag-tag team of 10-12-year-old boys who wanted to play but couldn’t get on other teams. Some of the boys were there because their parents thought they should be, for the little-league experience. One boy was a real discipline problem for me. He wouldn’t listen to directions and he did as he pleased. One day we were in an indoor batting cage and he wouldn’t wait for his turn to bat. When he jumped in front of another boy, I told him to get out of there and wait his turn. He mouthed off and I told him to go sit down and stay out of the way. He continued to argue and I raised my voice. That was probably not the smartest thing to do, but I am not always perfect. The boy had no respect for me even though I was his manager with inherent authority in matters of being a team member.

As it turns out, his parents had come to pick him up and witnessed some of what had transpired. The father told me they never raised their voice to their son and did not appreciate that I had. I told the father that his son was not being cooperative and was being disruptive. His response was that they did not believe in putting limits on his spirit and creativity. I knew then that this discussion was a lost cause. I told the parents that they could do as they pleased with their son but he could not do as he pleased on this team. The boy did not return to the team and we were better for it.

When it came to his son, this father (and mother) decided not to use parental leverage, authority, or discipline. They believed in letting him find his own path. It’s my opinion that most kids don’t respond well to this treatment. Respect for limits must be learned just as much as an imaginative mind must be allowed to wander and wonder. I don’t think they are mutually exclusive. Certainly others, besides myself, were affected by this undisciplined and spoiled kid. But at least these parents had a philosophy in raising their son. Just a very liberal idea of parenting with which I personally disagreed.

How will the son react to rules as an adult? Will there be any empathy for others? Will his creativity be enhanced by this style of parenting? And if so, will his creativity be good for society or just him? Some of the most creative people on earth are white-collar criminals. Creativity is great, but it should not be destructive or a burden on others. There will be consequences due to their parental style. My money would be on the consequences being more negative than positive.

Case 2: The Enabling Parents

A young man in his mid-twenties delivers pizza for a living. One winter morning he awoke to his car covered with snow and ice. While most of us bundle up and trudge out to remove the snow and/or ice, he called his parents and asked that they have their insurance company get someone to clean off his car. When told he should clear off the car himself, he claimed he didn’t have a shovel. And when his mom said that his dad would bring him a shovel, he said he didn’t want to clean it. I’m not sure if he ever cleaned it off himself, but I doubt it.

Even though he is very intelligent, this young man delivers pizza is because he wasted years of college tuition not putting any effort into his education. He finally passed a technical course as an mechanic but he doesn’t want to do that work. He’d rather just drive around, deliver pizza and have his parents pay his bills. Undoubtedly, there is some degree of psychological problems with this son who should be much more responsible and independent of his parents. But the parents did him no favors by allowing this type of behavior in the past.

A few years later, this same young man was in legal trouble and true to form, his father got him a lawyer. The lawyer told him to write his version of the incident. But that was too much like work to the son and despite pleas from his parents, he refused to write it. Eventually, his father drafted the son’s version of the incident for him, as I’m sure he expected would happen. The parents could not allow themselves to see their son get the punishment he deserved. They knew he couldn’t handle it emotionally. He lived in a different world, a world devoid of personal responsibility. How they are dealing with their son and his issues is destroying them and not helping their son.

I don’t know when and how this behavior all started. I cannot say for sure that the parents were too permissive when he was younger. Generally speaking, however, when children are very young we help and coddle them and sometimes forget to allow them to struggle on their own as they grow older and mature. Situations like this one can get out of hand when we allow misbehavior to continue without correction. It is essential in a good parent-child relationship to have respect for each other and balance in your actions and reactions, especially through discipline and love. Usually, disciplining IS showing love!  
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How to reign in an out-of-control older child is not something about which I have many answers, nor do many other parents. It goes back to the caveat in my book, “The Power of Dadhood”, that successful parenting is more about prevention of behaviors, not correcting them later on. In other words, set standards and consequences early on and be consistent about them. If you do not, your battles will be beyond difficult and possibly tragic.

Always ask yourself, "Will my help make my child stronger or weaker?"

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Politics and Kids

11/7/2017

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PicturePolitics and Kids
​One of the things I cherish from my childhood was complete ignorance of political opinions and discourse. Maybe the talk wasn’t as fervent, or I was naïve because nowadays it slams you from every direction! TV, radio, social media, casual conversation, billboards, yard signs -- opinions, facts, and propaganda! I had enough going on in my life as a kid. I didn’t need to be concerned about the budget, immigration, abortion and/or taxes. Neither do the younger children of today! They have kid things to worry about.

Young kids should be spared political rhetoric until they can maneuver successfully in their immediate world. They will have no legal voice in politics until they are eighteen years of age, so to allow indoctrination of either liberal or conservative political views before they are ten or twelve not only interferes with the joys and innocence of childhood, but takes advantage of a developing mind. Children have enough going on just learning to be social beings - when just a smirk from another child can ruin their day.

This thought hit me when a four-year-old asked me if I liked the president. I stumbled a bit, not knowing what to say and quickly changed the subject to how beautiful the fall leaves were. I was not going to talk politics to a four-year old even though my first thought was to say I like the president, simply because I didn’t want to associate ‘bad’ with the presidency. What can a small child know or understand about the President of the United States? There will be four Presidential elections before a four-year-old can vote and that candidate could currently be in college. Things will change quite a bit!

Of course, there are times when teaching your child the values in which you believe come very close to political viewpoints. I think it is fair and responsible for you to pass on your values with an explanation when age appropriate, an age which is determined by the parents. If you do not, your children will hear the values of others alone. Kids are very vulnerable to indoctrination as we all are. But kids have much less experience to counter either responsible or irresponsible indoctrination. As suggested by a psychotherapist below, indoctrination is instructing with a partisan point of view. As kids grow older, they are more capable of analyzing and contemplating.

Older Children

Things change a bit as children reach their teens. The following is from www.today.com/parents.

“I certainly think it’s OK to share one's political views. I think that’s completely OK, but I think it’s also important to allow your children to have their own ideas about things,” says Dr. Robi Ludwig, a psychotherapist, the author of Your Best Age Is Now, and mother of two teenagers.

“Why would it be a goal to turn them into anything other than people who are socially conscious? To turn them … into a Republican or Democrat is a bit of, I don’t want to say it but, brain washing. It’s a form of indoctrinating, and I think it’s much better to say: ‘These are my ideas and this is why I believe in them. What are your thoughts? What are you hearing?’”


Summary
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As I mentioned in the first paragraph, political views will be found and heard everywhere. But when they are very young, shouldn’t you protect them from the rhetoric as much as possible. It will cause tension in them even if they don’t understand what’s being said because of the tension and terseness in the voices they hear. And when they are older and ask questions, how many of us are brave enough or fair enough to let them hear alternative views or explain the reasoning for each argument? 

​Let kids be kids!

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