From my book, "The Power of Dadhood" It’s always good to learn things from those with experience. And very wise to listen to them. However, the life lessons best remembered are those learned firsthand.
Let’s say your kid comes to you with a problem. It could be his sister is bothering him to no end. Or your daughter’s best friend is not talking to her. Maybe homework and dance class are competing for attention. Whatever it is, we often tell them what we think or tell them straight out what to do. Sometimes, we do this through expediency or lack of patience. It happens all the time. But what are we doing? It could be we are allowing our children to be lazy, dependent, or unable to problem solve.
When an issue is not too serious, you can trust them to do what they, themselves, think is right.
In raising kids, there are levels of interplay between you and them.
When a nurturing parent tells a child to ‘do what’s right,’ that parent is not making it easier for either their child or themselves. Shifting responsibility to your child is high-level nurturing! Making your child think and decide while being observed by a loving parent is the best learning there can be. Indeed, there will be times when they choose incorrectly! That’s where your nurturing will help them to understand situations and decision-making.
The parent has to encourage them to be responsible, observe the child’s action, correct their action if necessary, and teach them with feedback. “You handled that very well,” or “Next time, try this.”
Example:
“Dad, my friends are going to a concert Sunday evening, and I want to go,” asked your 17-year-old daughter.
“But you have your college placement test on Monday morning,” Dad responds.
“I know, but I really want to go,” she pleads.
“Just do what’s right!” says Dad.
The ball is in her court, for now. She has to consider what she wants versus what is best overall. An okay from Dad would have taken the pressure off his daughter. A ‘no’ may have caused unnecessary friction. Now the daughter has to decide, and problem solve. Can she put aside everything for now and prepare for the test? Will she get home early enough to get a good night’s sleep? As a parent, you observe. Did you see her studying long hours during the weekend? Did she tell you when the concert ends, and will she be home early enough to get a goodnight’s sleep? If so, she is doing the right thing even if she goes to the concert. And she did it maturely on her own!
Now, what if she wastes time all weekend, or you find out the concert ends at midnight, but she decides to go anyway? Then you intercede and say no, and tell her why. One of the reasons you would intervene this time and not others is the importance of the decision. But the good news is this. If you are the kind of parent that operates this way, you already know how your child will react after seventeen years. They already know how to think and make decisions for themselves. You have been there for her. You have shown love and care. And on top of all that, you have been a nurturer!
When given the responsibility for their own actions, a child that continually makes unwise choices may be a disappointment, but at least you know you have work to do. This knowledge will allow a parent to take action to correct the behavior. A child that makes primarily good choices will learn how to handle life on their own. They will not be dependent on their parents to solve their problems. Either outcome is positive because you will know your child much better, and they will thrive after learning to solve their issues correctly.
Tell them, “do what’s right” – observe – correct if necessary – repeat!
#powerofdadhood
Let’s say your kid comes to you with a problem. It could be his sister is bothering him to no end. Or your daughter’s best friend is not talking to her. Maybe homework and dance class are competing for attention. Whatever it is, we often tell them what we think or tell them straight out what to do. Sometimes, we do this through expediency or lack of patience. It happens all the time. But what are we doing? It could be we are allowing our children to be lazy, dependent, or unable to problem solve.
When an issue is not too serious, you can trust them to do what they, themselves, think is right.
In raising kids, there are levels of interplay between you and them.
- ‘Being there’ for them is a fundamental base level of care. You may not interact with them much at that level, but you are an adult example who protects and feeds them - although there are, unfortunately, parents that even fail at that level.
- The next level is being loving and showing that you care for your child. Knowing they are loved does so much for their confidence and psyche, allowing them to be happier and content. While showing love and care is crucial, you can do so much more to prepare them for their life ahead.
- The highest level I hope all parents aspire to is to be present, loving, and nurturing. Nurturing consists of encouraging, observing, correcting, and teaching - all while reminding them of your love. What kid wouldn’t thrive to the best of their abilities with this kind of upbringing?
When a nurturing parent tells a child to ‘do what’s right,’ that parent is not making it easier for either their child or themselves. Shifting responsibility to your child is high-level nurturing! Making your child think and decide while being observed by a loving parent is the best learning there can be. Indeed, there will be times when they choose incorrectly! That’s where your nurturing will help them to understand situations and decision-making.
The parent has to encourage them to be responsible, observe the child’s action, correct their action if necessary, and teach them with feedback. “You handled that very well,” or “Next time, try this.”
Example:
“Dad, my friends are going to a concert Sunday evening, and I want to go,” asked your 17-year-old daughter.
“But you have your college placement test on Monday morning,” Dad responds.
“I know, but I really want to go,” she pleads.
“Just do what’s right!” says Dad.
The ball is in her court, for now. She has to consider what she wants versus what is best overall. An okay from Dad would have taken the pressure off his daughter. A ‘no’ may have caused unnecessary friction. Now the daughter has to decide, and problem solve. Can she put aside everything for now and prepare for the test? Will she get home early enough to get a good night’s sleep? As a parent, you observe. Did you see her studying long hours during the weekend? Did she tell you when the concert ends, and will she be home early enough to get a goodnight’s sleep? If so, she is doing the right thing even if she goes to the concert. And she did it maturely on her own!
Now, what if she wastes time all weekend, or you find out the concert ends at midnight, but she decides to go anyway? Then you intercede and say no, and tell her why. One of the reasons you would intervene this time and not others is the importance of the decision. But the good news is this. If you are the kind of parent that operates this way, you already know how your child will react after seventeen years. They already know how to think and make decisions for themselves. You have been there for her. You have shown love and care. And on top of all that, you have been a nurturer!
When given the responsibility for their own actions, a child that continually makes unwise choices may be a disappointment, but at least you know you have work to do. This knowledge will allow a parent to take action to correct the behavior. A child that makes primarily good choices will learn how to handle life on their own. They will not be dependent on their parents to solve their problems. Either outcome is positive because you will know your child much better, and they will thrive after learning to solve their issues correctly.
Tell them, “do what’s right” – observe – correct if necessary – repeat!
#powerofdadhood
