Category: Communication

My Dad, Polly

1/21/2019

Kids look for guidance every day. Occasionally, they even ask for it. Kids have questions that beg answers and fears that hover over them. Not always will they admit their insecurities and if they work them out on their own, that’s great! Most of the time, they will need an assist. An observant parent will notice when their child is struggling emotionally. Prompting a troubled child may get them to speak if they are ready, and most of the time things can be worked out.

A proactive maneuver to consider is to put positive ideas in your kids' heads in advance. If successful, these ideas will provide helpful ways to look at everyday issues giving them the patience and/or confidence to move forward until a problem is resolved. These ideas can be stated, preached, taught, practiced and/or written down. They can be borrowed from quotes or books, preachers or mentors, friends, or invented on your own. For instance, one of the 'wisdoms' that helped me tremendously as a young boy was when I was told by my mom, "Don't worry, this will go away in time and you will feel much better." I remembered this advice every time I was upset about something. Granted, sometimes it takes a long time for things to "pass", but knowing a 'future me' will be healed made the 'present me' feel much better.

Posters of encouragement can be made and placed strategically. A list of 'thinking points' can be printed out as reminders to drive these ideas into the sometimes thick skulls of your kids. The list below is an example. It is a photo of a page consisting of little 'wisdoms' given to my kids back in 2001 (excuse the chopped off letters). If I were to write something like this today, it would likely change significantly. But that was what I thought would be of help at the time. I know at least a couple of ideas were absorbed because they were repeated back to me.

As your children's parents, you know them best. Therefore, you can devise the thoughts and sayings that would work best for them. Ignore their seeming disinterest. When the need arises, they will want help and will remember where to look for it. At a minimum, they will know you care, and that alone is a significant act of love towards your children - something they need to know.

Yes, I’m corny and a little Pollyanna, especially considering my macho guy nature. LOL! But if being a little corny and Pollyanna-ish helps my kids or grand-kids, then call me ‘Polly’ for short.

Michael Byron Smith, father of three, grandfather of four.

1 Comment

Your Home May Be a Shack, but Your Mind Can Be a Palace

1/2/2019

1 Comment

When thinking about your present situation in life, likely because it is the beginning of a new year, think about what your contribution has been and what it could be. An example:

'Poor' is a description that can be misunderstood. We can have poor vision, poor attitudes, poor health, etc. But here I use poor as it is often thought of, to portray someone who has a lack of income or wealth. While many people are poor in this sense, we can all be rich in other areas. Indeed, one does not need money to do any of the following:

Read
Play
Exercise
Write
Sing
Smile
Love
Imagine
Pray
Think
Dance
Be gracious
Be friendly
Have vision
Help someone
Have an opinion

No one can deny anyone the actions above, except to ourselves. Can someone refute that a poor child with perseverance and desire is wealthier, in the most beneficial ways, than a rich child with indifference and entitlement? If you are a healthy adult and remain poor, it’s very possible you have not partaken in many of the bulleted actions above. I did not have all those qualities as a child. Had they been explained to me, and if I had listened, life would have been so much more comfortable with or without the privilege of money.

It is best always to consider yourself the problem. For if you think the world around you is the problem, then you are helpless. But if you decide and believe that you (your beliefs, your attitude, your lack of creativity, your procrastination, your victimization, etc.) are the problem, then you have control suggesting that solutions and progress are possible. Quotes:

Benjamin Franklin said, “Content makes poor men rich; discontent makes rich men poor.”
In Angela’s Ashes, Frank McCourt wrote, “You might be poor, your shoes might be broken, but your mind is a palace.”
And lastly, my favorite, “We are not rich by what we possess but by what we can do without.” Immanuel Kant

I would supplement Kant’s quote by saying ‘we are rich by what we possess that we can do little without,’ which would be the bulleted qualities listed above, all of which require vision. Therefore, your highest value resides in your vision.

Michael Byron Smith
Author of “The Power of Dadhood”

1 Comment

Calming Parental Paranoia

12/17/2018

0 Comments

Risk Factors: Parents tend to consider negative impacts much more than the likelihood of those impacts.

It used to be that kids could play outside on their own for hours on end. “Come home when the streetlights come on,” moms would say. No longer! The typical neighborhood in the US is no more dangerous now, and likely less dangerous than it was then. But, of course, we hear of every discretion in the world now through the multitude of media outlets and the lightning-fast way that news travels. Then we imagine the transgression and make it personal, thinking how horrible it would be if that incident or tragedy happened to our loved ones!

For instance, many parents now fear that any day their kid will be abducted on her three-block walk home. So mom or dad meet him at school or, has it happens at my grandchildren’s school, the school won’t let a ‘walker’ off the property until in the hands of a known adult. My purpose here is not to criticize steps taken to protect our children, but to ease some of the mind-numbing fear because another factor exists that is rarely considered, that is the exceedingly remote likelihood of a kidnapping happening to you or anyone you know – the ‘IF’ factor.

According to the Polly Klaas Foundation, 99.8% of the children who go missing do come home! And only about 100 children (a fraction of 1%) are kidnapped each year in the entire United States in the stereotypical stranger abductions you hear about in the news.

Let me take the example of flying in a commercial aircraft. This proposal causes much fear in some people because, let’s face it, a crash is dramatic and might kill you. But if you care to look, here is a link showing the flights currently in the air. It reveals just how busy the airways are yet you rarely hear of an incident even though every accident, even minor, is reported. So while Americans have a 1 in 114 chance of dying in a car crash, according to the National Safety Council, the odds of dying in an air incident are 1 in 9,821. That’s 86 times safer than driving and three times safer than eating because of the choking hazard, yet we take the risk of riding in a car and eating.

Message 1: Realize that you can cheat yourself or your children of significant life opportunities if you don’t consider how unlikely some consequences are.

When we keep our kids too safe, there are still risks. You may end up with a child who is afraid of things they’ve never tried in life or who is awkward in certain social situations. They may miss out on experiences to grow or to build confidence. These possible consequences are not as severe as being abducted or dying in a plane crash, but the likelihood of those things happening are much higher.

Message 2: Realize that you can cheat yourself or your children of significant life opportunities if you don’t consider how likely some consequences are.

The magnitude of risk (risk factor) considers two elements, the likelihood (probability) of something happening and the consequence (impact) if it does. While ‘consequences’ can remain somewhat stable, ‘likelihood’ can change by location and circumstance. Confusing to think about, but, actually, all I’m trying to suggest is that two entirely different kinds of risks can have a similar ‘risk factor.’ For instance, overprotecting your kids is just as risky, in a sense, as not. Because a loss of freedom, adventure, or decision making can be harmful in less noticeable ways. Something to consider! Something to balance.

Summary

I know that not one parent is likely to stop escorting their children in safe neighborhoods (a completely valid thing to do in unsafe neighborhoods because of likelihood), and those afraid of flying will remain so. I get that! But I hope that, maybe, if we consider more than just the visions of what we hear and see on the news, and consider their 'likelihoods' also, then the paranoia can be reduced, thereby helping our sanity, our contentment, and our joy of living.

0 Comments

Adolescence to Adulthood: Will They Ever Get Out of the House?

12/3/2018

0 Comments

These young adults (2002) all became quickly successful in life!

A trend in recent years is the glacial pace at which adolescents are moving into adulthood. Young people are taking their time accepting adult responsibilities, having sex earlier with more partners, drinking heavily, marrying later, studying later, traveling longer and taking more time to decide what it is they want to do with their lives. They also are very picky about the jobs they will accept, waiting for their dream job. Some might say, “So, what’s wrong with all that?” But what it has led to is more young adults living with parents than a spouse in 2016 and not likely to be paying rent. And no matter your thoughts on the Affordable Care Act, the fact that a 26-year-old is eligible to be covered by his parent's insurance is irresponsible from the standpoint of delaying personal adult responsibility. Daddy and mommy should not be responsible for your lives at 26.

The traditional definition for adolescence is between and the ages of 10 and 19, which marked the beginnings of puberty and the perceived end of biological growth. Now, some scientists say adulthood does not begin until 24. At that age, I was already flying nuclear-equipped aircraft for the Air Force.

What comes first, adulthood then responsibility, or responsibility then adulthood?

Clearly, in past generations, responsibility made one an adult, maybe sometimes too early. These days it seems that responsibilitues are delayed until one claims adulthood, and that is happening later and later.
In the past, young adults were expected to have finished school, found a job, and set up their own household during their 20s—most often with their spouse and with a child soon to follow. Other facts - around 1900, nine of ten young people 14-17 years old worked full time. In 1920, nearly two-thirds of all people over age 14 were married. During World War II, large numbers of 18-year-olds (and younger) were fighting and dying in ferocious battles and deplorable conditions in defense of their country.

How to accelerate into adulthood

In my opinion, as parents, we should strive to get somewhere in the middle, between the tough days of generations past and the overindulgence of young adults in the present. But how?
Some things are learned through what I call ‘parental osmosis’, where your kids learn by watching and mimicking you. It helps if you, as a parent, have the qualities you desire in your children. “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t really work. Of course, children don’t always follow their parent’s example. Which can be a good thing sometimes, but not usually! So teaching and expecting certain behaviors from them is very important. So too, are the behaviors you choose as important.

Here are six behaviors, or characteristics, that can be helpful in guiding any young person into adulthood.

Ambition – Most kids have ambitions. Some good, like a college degree or a specialized skill, others not as good, like becoming the best video game player in school. However, the best ambition for anyone is to use every gift available to reach one’s highest potential for making a difference in the world. Although not always easy to get across, it is easy to discuss and set expectations. Without your guidance, this kind of thinking may not cross their minds until too late.

Commitment – Never accept a half-baked job from your child. Every task assigned or every venture they decide to take on should not be abandoned for trivial reasons. When they are committed, they need to go all out to success or failure, but never a failure of commitment.

Reliability – When you say you will do something, always do it (or have a darn good reason). You can’t expect a kid to be reliable when he hasn’t seen it from others and isn’t required to be so from his parents. Reliability is a giant step toward respectability!

Resilience – Failure is indeed a great teacher! There is no shame in failure because it comes with effort and risk indicating someone with goals. Resilient kids learn from their failures and keep sharpening their tools. If your child gives up too quickly on new endeavors or tasks, push them to continue. Their eventual and likely success will teach them the value of resilience.

Humility – A humble person is likely to have had success without the need to flaunt their achievements. Some people never grow up in this area. When your child is humble, it characterizes maturity and wins admiration from others. Sure, one may not get credit for something by not telling others, but bragging about any achievement will nullify any impression that you may have been looking for. Success is for you to celebrate within, not as a reason to boast or assume a higher station in life.

Courage – Courage is doing what one has to do even if they fear failure. Courage gives a child resilience which factors into their reliability because of their commitment. Speak to your kids when fear grips them. Let them know that fear is usually paper thin and can be overcome by challenging it square-on. It also takes courage to decide not to follow peers into dark places or acts. Courage always comes with some fear or doubt. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be necessary.

Summary

If you want to avoid what some parents are going through these days with their young adult children, start taking action now! Any adolescent with the above qualities will undoubtedly have success and be ready to move quickly into the responsible behavior we all look for in adulthood! A good dad or mom will start teaching these behaviors at a very young age, and when they do, they can be satisfied they have done their best as a parent. And you may have your house to yourself!

0 Comments

Choices to Ponder

11/19/2018

0 Comments

“Life is a matter of choices, and every choice you make makes you.”
John C. Maxwell

As a follow up to my last blog post regarding balance, I bring up choices. Choices are those decisions about things that can bring balance into your life. A question: How often does balance factor into your choices? Likely, not too often. When we choose what we choose it is likely highly influenced by what we want regarding that choice. For instance, if you’re a car nut, you might buy a Mercedes over a Volkswagen even though you live in a third floor flat in a crappy neighborhood. That might be ‘balance’ for you, but it’s not a balanced lifestyle. But it is your choice.

Let us play a 'what-if' game. Would you rather have a below average IQ and be rich, or an above average IQ and be poor? Which choice would give more balance in your life? Lets forget at the moment that if you already have a low IQ that you would choose to be rich. No one is that stupid!

Let's set a scene.

You haven't been blessed intellectually, but on a billion to one shot you may have won the lottery! Or a rich relative, knowing you didn’t have much going for you, left you a fortune in a will (not something I would have done).

So the first thing you decide to do after coming into money is to take a vacation to the Philippines, ignoring all the State Department warnings of terrorism. Or maybe you crave the best cheesesteak sandwiches in the world and thought you booked a flight to Philadelphia? Regardless, the fact that you are stupid is why you are in an ugly situation because you have been flashing money while looking for a cheesesteak joint in Manila and have been kidnapped by the terrorist group, Abu Sayyaf. But hey, we’re past that now.

You need mucho greenbacks to be released and, fortunately, you have the money to do it! Besides, Abu Sayyaf quickly realizes money is the only thing you have to offer. Being rich is now better than being smart, and you are released having electronically transferred your entire fortune to the terrorists. The only problem is now that you are free, you are both stupid and not-rich while wandering homeless in the streets of Manila - hoping someone will donate a cheesesteak sandwich to fend off starvation.

In this what-if game, I would choose to be 'poor but smart' over 'rich but stupid'. If you are poor but have intelligence, you can escape being poor with good choices. Rich people who make bad choices won't keep their money very long.

On the other hand, not everyone is smart in practical ways. I have a couple of distant relatives with very high IQs who wallow in self-destructive habits. Bad choices occur even if you are smart like these relatives of mine who devour science fiction books and score high playing video games. They revel and do well in the activities they enjoy. They also have very little money even with the intellectual talent to earn well. They would never confuse Philadelphia with the Philippines, but they may confuse being smart as having emotional intelligence, which would be wrong.

Seriously

We all make good and bad choices. My example of the stupid guy kidnapped by Abu Sayyaf may have been a bad one. Bad choices are not always apparent in advance. Sometimes, they are miscalculations with good intent. However, choices for the most important things in life should be clear - like the following.

When it is vital for balance in your life;

Choose family over work
Choose memories over things
Choose love over luxury
Choose independence over dependence
Choose travel over counting your money
Choose friends over contacts
Choose action over empathy
Choose strength over fear
Choose balance over extravagance
Choose investment over gambling
Choose Philadelphia over the Philippines until Abu Sayyaf is defeated.

Choose well, choose with factual information, choose long term goals over instant gratification. Choose a city for action and country for relaxation. Choose coffee in the morning and wine in the evening. But you don't have to - because you make your choices and your choices make you. Something you should definitely teach your children!

Now, I choose to end this blog and have some coffee and small talk with my wife this morning!

0 Comments

Balance in Words and Action

11/12/2018

0 Comments

One of the key principles in parenting is ‘balance.’ That’s one of the great treasures of having two parents. A child can see different reactions, beliefs, attitudes, personality, tone, sex, and other differences with two parents in their lives. One parent may be more or less correct than the other but a sneak at both sides, when there are differences, is likely a good thing. Some people call it diversity in viewpoints. Hearing the same thing all the time is more akin to brainwashing. I’m not a big fan of indoctrination! I like choices with reasoned opinions and enlightened options. Of course, I will be biased in my teaching while trying not to be dictatorial.

There also needs to be balance in words that describe your kids’ behavior and personal characteristics. For instance, I like hope - but with action. I believe in faith - but with sincere desire. Hope puts a pilot light in your head, but action comes when you turn on the gas. Having faith, which assumes that you can’t make it happen on your own, is worthless if your faith doesn’t come from deep within your heart.

The Bible, Matthew 5:5 says, “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.” I believe the meek should have a voice, but I never really understood how they would inherit the earth. That requires some aspect of strength. Then I heard a speaker note that ‘meek’ meant something different when that word was written or translated. The meek were those who ‘had swords but kept them in their sheath,’ assuming they would never be used for gain. I can see those that have ‘strength with temperance’ as those deserving of inheriting the earth.

No, I don’t expect everyone or anyone to accept this meaning of ‘meek,’ but the point is ‘having strength alone’ is not necessarily a good thing. Having strength, using it only for good, is balancing. It makes a strong person compassionate around those without strength.

Another example of balance with words is, ‘rules with flexibility.’ I state in my book on fatherhood, “In a family, a system (a plan or an agreement) can be a set of rules, beliefs, or standards. Most of the time these are never written down, but they should be clear.”

A child doesn’t know what to expect, or what’s expected of them, without rules. But rules must never be so rigid that exceptions can’t be made. Allowing your kids to stay up late to watch an expected meteor shower is more meaningful than sticking tightly to a rule, "In bed by 9."

Flexibility balances rules. Just as:

Accountability balances compassion
Humility balances competence
Guidance balances empathy
Encouragement balances sympathy
Responsibility balances love
Conviction balances promise
Planning balances action
Courage balances vulnerability

Maybe the words I use above to balance each other don’t make sense to you, and perhaps some do. I could explain my thoughts on each, but that’s not what is essential. I hope to convince you that there is never one word that can adequately describe or define a person or situation. It may be true that I was a demanding parent who was loving to his wife and a patriotic citizen - but indeed not the whole truth. For instance, I would say was demanding yet reasonable as a parent, loving but fallible as a husband, and patriotic but not blind as a citizen.

Summary

Balance is a place you always want to be leaning towards. Take time to think. Have I been too hard on my kids lately? Am I working too much and home too little? Have I been spending more time with my youngest child than my oldest? Did I call a child bad when I meant they did a bad thing? Actions matter. Words matter. Be sure the ear is hearing what the mouth is meaning. Nature is always leaning towards balance. In human nature, balance must more often be created.

Life is about balance. Be kind, but don't let people abuse you. Trust, but don't be deceived. Be content, but never stop improving yourself.
Nishan Panwar

Be precise in your speech.
Jordan B. Petersen

0 Comments

Things I Must Remember!

10/15/2018

0 Comments

It seems we are, as a nation, advancing-in-reverse to our corners of comfort. The idea of “safe places” at liberal colleges has expanded and become pervasive as virtual safe places for each religion, for each mode of thought whether liberal or conservative, for each family, and for your personal choice of social media and/or cable news. We go where we feel validated.

It’s tough to leave our ‘safe places’ because outside of them makes us uncomfortable and/or angry. Its uncomfortable when we see some logic or understanding from the other side - even if you don’t agree with it. We become angry when the rhetoric of other viewpoints appear over-the-top, exaggerated, or misleading. This tends to push us back into our ‘safe places’. But if we do and never communicate, then finding a resolution is impossible.

I think civility would come about if we try to understand the other position from their viewpoint because all of us have backgrounds and personalities that give us many ways of looking at an issue. For instance, I may like dogs and you may like cats. In fact, I never understood people’s fondness for cats until I talked to them about their relationship with their feline friends. Cats are fun to watch, easy to care for, and they keep creepy critters away. Now none of that is convincing to me, but it does allow me to have respect for their choice.

To know why is not necessarily to be convinced, but to understand which conveys respect. Those who drive a Prius have reasons for doing so just as those who drive Escalades. Some people do things because of guilt or conscience and others do things because they can or need attention. If it’s not illegal or harming anyone, then live and let live. We can be critical but we best do that quietly. Forcing or demanding anyone to do anything is rarely, if ever, acceptable.

What to do?

Here are a few things to remember when discussing any topic from cats to politics with someone who may have thoughts differing from yours. We all break these rules occasionally, but if you keep coming back to them, you will do well in this world as a citizen and leader. It would be helpful to teach these thoughts to your children. It will make their lives a lot easier and teach them to have open minds.

Things I Must Remember

Know for sure what I am talking about.
Is it important to say? If not, keep it to myself.
Does the occasion require it?
How will the other person react and does it matter?
Separate facts and opinions. MINIMIZE opinions.
Know my opponent's key points from their point of view.
Listen. Appreciate another’s counterpoint. Concede a good point.
Don’t embarrass anyone.
Don’t get mad or defensive.
Save my arguments for important moments or causes.
Showing understanding is not weakness.

We don’t have to agree about everything; but let's agree to have an open mind, being kind, and civility in discussion. The situation can only improve from there.

0 Comments

Forward>>

My Dad, Polly

Your Home May Be a Shack, but Your Mind Can Be a Palace

Calming Parental Paranoia

Adolescence to Adulthood: Will They Ever Get Out of the House?

Choices to Ponder

Balance in Words and Action

Things I Must Remember!

Archives

Categories

My Dad, Polly

​Your Home May Be a Shack, but Your Mind Can Be a Palace

​Calming Parental Paranoia

Adolescence to Adulthood: Will They Ever Get Out of the House?

​Choices to Ponder

Balance in Words and Action

​Things I Must Remember!

Archives

Categories

Your Home May Be a Shack, but Your Mind Can Be a Palace

Calming Parental Paranoia

Choices to Ponder

Things I Must Remember!