A little over five years ago, my book “The Power of Dadhood” was published. I wrote it for very personal reasons, and for my belief that 'the family' is the core building block for any thriving community. I focused on fatherhood for several reasons mentioned in the book, but it is very pertinent for moms to understand a few thoughts on parenting from a dad’s point of view. Now, after writing over 350 posts on this blog, “Helping Fathers to be Dads”, I wanted to focus on the contents and values of "The Power of Dadhood".

Simply put, this is a mentoring book. It is a thought stimulator - an idea book. It’s your 'owner's manual' for  kids. It's a reference book. It’s a discussion for parents. And, I say this with complete humility, it is an important book! I talk about issues within families that, if not handled carefully, can cause serious generational difficulties.

No society will succeed without a strong core of healthy families. Lacking this,  will we continue to look for answers to problems which could have been avoided . Nothing is more important than your family! Every decision should be built around this thought. It's not easy, and that's why we parents must communicate with each other, sharing insights when they seem promising. With that introduction, here's what you'll find inside, "The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs".

What I want Fathers to know.

• How important they are and why
• That being there is the most important thing
• That there are challenges, but they can be met
• That they can be instrumental in building strong, independent children

What is the status of fatherhood today?

• The Good – more fathers are becoming more involved in raising their children. Over the past half-century, fathers in America nearly tripled their child care time from 2.5 hours per week in 1965 to seven hours per week in 2011.
• The Bad – 24 million children (34%) live absent their biological father. (Census Bureau stats)
• The Ugly – the social and psychological impacts of absent fathers can be, and are, devastating!

I discuss challenges and how to meet them. A few examples:

• Kids – chasing fears, building confidence, having the right attitude
• Fathers – the obstacles, the risks, the consequences
• Families – working together, defining roles, balance, communication, diversity vs cooperation

 
What is the Pyramid of Fatherhood? There are different levels of fatherhood interaction.

• Being There – what that means
• Fathering with Love – showing concern, listening, encouraging awareness, prevention is easier than healing, consistency, traditions
• Building Strong Children – ethics, self-reliance, respect, education, kindness, responsibility, humility

The Pinnacle of Fatherhood: Here I discuss the characteristics that earn a Dad a Master’s Degree of Fatherhood

• Having healthy relationships
• Being a model for them: Kids watch and copy more than they listen!
• Notes on Boys and Girls: Yes, they are different!
• Watch and react: Pay attention and help them when they need help - but won’t ask
• What is a five-tool success, and what does each tool require?
  • Financial success
  • Relationship success
  • Intellectual success
  • Physical success
  • Spiritual success

The Seven Characteristics of a Successful Dad - Appendix A: What do these mean and how do you accomplish each?

• Be Involved
• Be Consistent
• Be Loving
• Be Principled
• Be Fun
• Be Balanced
• Be Passionate

A Dads Self Inspection Checklist - Appendix B:
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A detailed list of questions for multiple situations for you to evaluate yourself as a dad. Very useful to be assured you are doing the right things or to help you. This checklist is available for free and has been downloaded hundreds of times! Every question is addressed in my book.

Summary

I believe “The Power of Dadhood” to be one of the most simply written, down-to-earth books (also an audio book and Kindle book) to which any parent can easily relate! It is easy to read, no Ph.D. type talk, and written from both the eyes of a troubled child and a concerned father. I hope you read it, then keep it nearby, certainly not for me - but your family!


Please check out some of my articles on my “Helping Fathers to Be Dads” blog. Articles can be found in the column to the right.  
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#powerofdadhood

,​I’m a grandfather who, upon retirement, is looking back at fatherhood hoping to help fathers of today. I loved being a dad, but it took me a bit of time to figure it out. I was incentivized by what I had missed as a kid, so I’ve thought about it quite a bit. These are seven things to consider when raising kids.

1.       Wink, smile, look at them in a way they can feel the love.

Most dads say “I love you” to their kids, but some never do. For those of us that do, it can get to be routine. That’s not to imply you should stop saying it, but there are other ways of saying I love you that pierce right into their hearts! Special moments can arise where just eye contact and a smile will let them know you care. And sometimes we forget a loving touch like hug or pat on the back. And oddly enough, disciplining can also show love because you are molding them, helping them to be their best.

2.       Don’t treat all your kids the same.

Have you heard of the “average” kid? Well, he/she does not exist! The average kid is a statistic. Of course, you will find common traits in kids such as being, shy, active, loud, picky, anxious, careless; it goes on and on. You can’t treat kids the same. Your interactions should be tailored to their needs because every kid is different socially, regarding behavior, intellectually, etc. Yes, all children should all be treated fairly, but it would not be fair to treat them all the same!

3.       Your children want to be disciplined.

You kids will fight you and challenge you at every turn--until they know the routine. If you are consistent, they will know arguing is useless, and they won’t do it after a while. As they get older, there will be rules they don’t care for, and they will try to talk you out of them. “You must be home by 11 PM,” you say. “But dad, my friends can stay out until midnight!” Sometimes you can and should give in, but if you have hard and fast, but reasonable rules, then stick to them. The rules tell them you care enough about them that you want them to grow safely into responsible adults. Their ego will be angry, but their true self will love you!

4.       You are not your wife.

You are a dad, a man. You are not their mother, a woman. You are different and teach different things in different ways. Of course, parents must discuss discipline and values, compromise if necessary, and be on the same page on essential factors. But do things with your kids that their mom wouldn’t do. Have unique, personal routines with your kids. Be yourself. If one parent lets misbehavior slide, then the other parent may need to be more responsible. When these styles balance within the family, it works much better than both being easy going--or both being tough all the time. But never work against each other as parents! 

5.      Children will watch what you do more than what you say.

Your kids are very observant. They pick up your habits very quickly - the way you talk, the way you treat people, the way you treat your wife. Most importantly, they will notice if you keep your word. If your words match your actions, then you are reinforcing their belief in you. When you do, they will learn that words have meaning. When you back up what you say, then they will know to listen!

6.       Don’t ever involve your children in your marital issues.

No matter how old, never complain to your kids about their mom. They may know about what you’re unhappy about, but they don’t want to hear it from you. Why upset your children about something in which they have no say or have no fault? When you complain to them, you are the one that doesn’t look good in their eyes.

7.       Pay special attention. Seemingly everyday moments can bring such joy - now and in the future.

I have memory gaps involving each of my children. Some periods of their lives are difficult to recall. You, yourself, may not remember your son playing violin one year, or that your daughter was in a school play. Your children’s first days of school, the names of their best friends, their smiles on Christmas morning are all precious times and facts that deserve remembering. Although we shouldn’t live in the past, we also shouldn’t be without a story. The stories of the family will warm you when you are in your last days.  A lost memory of a special moment is worse than almost any object lost. Therefore, take photos, tell stories of the past to keep them alive, don’t miss special occasions, and when you do things with your kids be there all the way, in mind and spirit. Not doing this will result in forgetting certain moments which would have smiles to your lips and warmed your heart.

Summary

These are things I learned as a dad. I failed at times on all of them as you will likely do as well. But if we keep these thoughts in mind, our failures will be minimized, and our roles as fathers will be of great value to the growth and success of our children!

A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist    (Appendix B: "The Power of Dadhood")
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Are you there for them, not just around?

• Do you/did you hold your children as babies and toddlers?
• Do you enjoy spending time with your kids?
• Do you make time to focus on your kids?
• Would you consider yourself loving and do your kids KNOW that you care for them?
• On occasion, do you give them special one-on-one attention? 
• Do you comfort your kids when appropriate?
• Are you willing to be ‘hated’ for doing the right thing for your children?
• Do you really listen to them?
• Do you have fun together?

 Do you help your children face their fears?

• Do you push (encourage) your meek children forward and hold back (protect) your adventurous children?
• Are you aware of any peer pressure they may be facing and how to deal with it?
• Do you give them reachable challenges to conquer to build up their confidence?
• Do you praise their efforts and rejoice when they are persistent?
• Can you tell if and when your help will make them stronger or weaker?

 Does your family work together and support each other?

• Do you and their mother see eye to eye on how to raise your children? Can you compromise?
• Do you continue to parent the only way you know how, or do you research other options?
• Are you aware of how much you, as a father, can influence your children in both positive and negative ways? If not, read my blog or book on fatherhood.
• Do you develop family traditions that are loved by the entire family?
• Do you know your children’s friends? Do you approve of their values?
• Is diversity allowed and cooperation encouraged in your home?
• Are you careful to not favor one child over another?
• Do you never give in, give in too much, or give in as appropriate to your children’s requests?
• Do you communicate clearly with the children’s mother regarding punishments, rewards, their whereabouts, schedule etc.?

 Are you a good example to your children and do you represent yourself well? 

• Do you avoid abusing your power as a father, using influence instead of force? 
• Do you have an open mind toward things you don’t understand?
• Are you consistent in your actions, discipline, encouragement, love?
• Following your lead, are your children respectful and kind to others?
• Are you a good model for your daughters to know how to be treated by boys or other men?

 Is building the character of your children a conscious part of your parenting?

• Would you want your children to act as you do? Children will usually mimic you.
• Do you encourage your children’s passions, dreams, and individuality?
• Do you realize that lessons taught when your children are young will be anchored in them, but missed lessons may haunt them for a long time? Prevention is much easier than healing!
• Do you allow them to make mistakes (for learning) when no one or nothing gets hurt?
• Do you teach, or exemplify to your kids, kindness, values, discipline, or manners?
• Do you praise good behavior while redirecting/correcting inappropriate behavior?
• Do you help them to make responsible choices?
• Do you tell your children mistakes are okay, but known wrongdoing is NOT a mistake?
• Do you instill integrity, teaching what’s right to do and what is wrong to do?
• Do they know what humility means and how it can help them to be liked and respected?
• Do you teach your children to be self-reliant and to be responsible for their actions?
• Have you taught them how to earn, value, save, and spend money?
• Do your children know how to set and meet goals?
• Do you emphasize and support education? 

 Summary                  

If you have plowed through this checklist, congratulations! The mere fact that you went through it all indicates you probably did well on your self-inspection. Your most important personal contribution to your family and society is your dedication to the welfare of your children. But none of us are perfect, and we do have many distractions. It’s good to review this checklist occasionally, maybe every Father's Day week, to check up on yourself while you are checking up on your children. Ask for guidance if you could use some help!

Every topic in this checklist is explained, discussed, or answered in my book, “The Power of Dadhood: Become the Father Your Child Needs.”
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In my book on fatherhood, I discuss how easy it is to be a good father - even with the continuous challenges that come with the role. But challenges don't come between you and success as a parent, lack of caring will. If  you care, you will try, and that is everything! Some men lose their families simply because they don't care. They don't care enough to learn, they don't care enough to put forth the necessary effort, or they don't have the strength to fight through adversity. 

There are other men who have lost their families and fight very hard to get them back. It could have been a mistake on their part that caused this to happen. Or maybe the mother of his children who, for reasons that are varied, or unfair, or unknown, choose to keep him away. And the laws of the land help the mothers to do just that. Often unfairly. No matter the circumstance, when children lose the care of their father through divorce, it's not the lost love, caring, or mentoring that is demanded for the children, it's money! 

The following is an excerpt from, "The Power of Dadhood - How to Become the Father Your Child Needs". In this passage, I discuss love versus money. If we agree we have too many families led by the mother alone, then not only is getting financial help important, but so too is getting emotional support for the children from the father that still cares deeply for them.


Love or Money?

It is a social rarity in America to excuse an absent father from meeting his financial responsibilities. What is sadly accepted is excusing him from his fatherly responsibilities. As stated by Blankenhorn in Fatherless America: “In our cultural model of the Deadbeat Dad, the core issue is money absence, not father absence.” Discussion of the absence of a father always seems to center on the need for income—child support. While income is important, the lack of a male role model and the lack of a real, involved Dad—truly supporting the child—is the real problem. Those of us who are worried about a fatherless America (and I wish there were more of us) realize that the best way to get men to support their children is to help these men become better fathers. It is easier to become a deadbeat dad when:

• you think of sex but not the consequences
• you haven’t had the mentoring many young men need to be a nurturing father
• you are confused and afraid
• the mother doesn’t want you around
• you have little or no money
• you feel you have no control over the child or the money you send
• you are looked down upon—described as a terrible partner or parent—when the facts of the matter may prove differently

While the hurdles can be daunting, you can overcome them if you want to. But before that happens, you have total control over becoming a father, or becoming a father again. If you have any doubts or questions about ever being a father or even having more children, read the next chapter, “To Be or Not to Be.” Otherwise, you can skip it and move on to understanding the negative social impacts that can arise with fatherless children, which you can help minimize by being a good Dad.