MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood
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The Danube River: Beauty, History, and Family Inspiration

11/13/2019

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PictureThe Danube in Austria
​My wife, Kathy, and I are now completing a river cruise on the Danube. Amazing sights and new memories to enrich our lives. Each region was beautiful, with natural and architectural beauty, rich history, arts, various cultures, etc. I wondered how I could take advantage of this experience and relate it to my retirement mission of Helping Fathers to be Dads.  Let’s see what I learned from our visits.


PicturePrague, Czech Republic
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Prague
, Czech Republic is where my wife and I flew into Europe before our tour down the Danube. Prague is a large medieval city of ancient buildings, multiple spires, rolling hills, and breathtaking views. Walking the streets reminded me of how families in Europe walk their towns and villages with their children. Toddlers in bright clothes, bundled up in the crisp fall weather. Babies in strollers with blankets tucked around them, the eyes of the little ones scanning their world and people walking by. Parents and children exploring or merely spending time together are ordinary, especially on weekends - a European tradition.
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Thought: Of course, strollers can be seen in America also, but mostly when visiting zoos or amusement parks. Not often will you see an entire family strolling in their neighborhoods or town centers together. Family time in America is spent on various scheduled activities, too often separate from each other. 

PicturePassau, Germany
​Passau, Germany, is small, a picturesque town in Bavaria that draws millions of visitors each year.  It is known as "City of Three Rivers" because the Danube is joined there by the Inn from the south and the Ilz from the north. This unique situation is why its first inhabitants settled there over 5000 years ago. The emerald green waters of the Inn River meet the Danube, while not quite blue, can look a bit turquoise at certain times when the sun is out. The Ilz River is the smallest of the three. All three rivers merge making them a blend of the characteristics of each but stronger together.

​Thought: Similar to the three rivers of Passau, the rivers of a family (father, mother, and children) are different on their own, but create a fourth identity together, and hopefully flow together as one, strongly-united, family.

PictureGottwieg Abby
​Lenz, Austria, was home to Gottwieg Abbey. The views from the mountaintop, where the Abbey, built centuries ago, are bucolic and breathtaking. Views of the wine fertile Wachau Valley, the Danube, nearby forests, the patchwork of vineyards, and the town of Krems are laid out for miles below. The Abbey itself is ornate and a testament to the dedication of the monks who vow never marry and to live a simple, prayerful life in this beautiful location their entire lives.

​Thought: The dedication of the monks to their purposeful life, and to their beautiful Abbey, remind me of the commitment required to have a nurturing and comfortable family life. With a devotion to family and comfort in their homes, any family will have serenity in their future, if not their daily lives.

​Vienna, Austria, a city of culture and coffee houses, is very busy and classy! Art, food, history, and music fill the air! Church bells ring, visitors shop and take photos, and everyone stops in the numerous coffee shops to warm up from the crisp, fall weather with a pastry, and maybe an expresso. We interrupted our scenic walking tour and ordered Café Americano and the best apple strudel I ever tasted as we met and conversed with new friends!

​Thought: Every family should find time for joy and conversation, creating memories and experiences common to all. It will draw everyone in the family into a common bond that will last, providing cherished traditions to the following generations.
PictureModern and old, Bratislava, Slovakia
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Bratislava, Slovakia,
was once behind the Iron Curtain as part of Czechoslovakia. This city of a few hundred thousand suffered in decay during four decades under Communist rule, but now much is new with skyscrapers and low unemployment. While under communism, there was no growth, little freedom, and no ability to travel outside the Iron Curtain. For forty years the citizenry was robbed of their ability to express themselves or to work to improve their situation. With the fall of the Iron Curtain in 1989-90, those under 50 years of age had never know freedom and a plurality of choice. The stories of our guides who lived under the Communist regime brought the reality of our good fortune to have escaped that hopeless and bleak experience.
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Thought: Parents must let their children understand history to put into perspective the hope and dreams that are available to them. These gifts are often taken for granted; and seem self-evident rights we all should have, but have come at considerable costs.

PictureThe Parliament Building, Budapest Hungary
​Budapest Hungary is a city perfect for romance. At night, this city shines with golden lights on bridges and buildings with architecture that proves beauty is worth time and expense. The Danube glimmers as it reflects the thousands of lights of the city, separating the formerly separate burgs of Buda and Pest. Budapest is one of the crown jewels of Europe, but also with tragedy in its past. Having been invaded by the Nazis of Germany and Communists of Russia, death, and torture were common. Today’s Budapest recovered and now thrives once more as Hungary’s capital and as a tourist mecca, but has not forgotten these disastrous times.
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Thought: We can only hope tragic events never touch us, but no family can escape tough times. Sometimes only time can ease the pain. As tough as it may be, families coming together will help. Mostly, the tough times will be behind us with communication, cooperation, and understanding. Don’t allow small issues to grow into lasting conflicts.

​Summary
Maybe my travel/family analogies were stretched a bit, but Kathy and I had a memorable and educational trip sailing down the Danube. It is incomprehensible to imagine all that has occurred throughout the centuries on every square meter we touched. One thing is common to all those past societies, centuries, and locations; everyone came from or belonged to a family. There are those individuals who failed despite having a supportive family and other individuals who flourished without a supportive family. But most people succeed, as best they can within their time and place, with the support of friends, and especially family.
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Breakfast on the Danube
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Balance: Underappreciated and Overlooked

10/20/2019

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Photo by author
“I never thought what my philosophy is, but it has to be balance in everything you do.”
—Abdullah A. Badawi

Balance is one of the secrets to a productive life in my opinion. Balance is the characteristic that allows exploration to the limits of one’s ability with the capacity to recover. It’s also a rule which says ‘you don’t get something for nothing’. To enjoy, succeed, learn, or control, you must suffer, earn, listen, and plan. Expanding on this notion, you will find a list of desires, and what you must do to earn them, below.

A parent must find a way to be an expert in balance. When to be tender and when to be authoritative, when to help and when not to, when to talk and when to listen, are all decisions parents make every day. When you have more than one child, another sort of balance is necessary.

From “The Power of Dadhood”

“Whereas a bold son or daughter may need to be reeled in a bit, a mild-mannered child may need a push toward adventure. We as parents, and especially fathers, provide the counterbalance to what we perceive is a child’s tendency toward adventurous behavior or meekness. It is not unusual to have one child who has to be talked into things and another who needs to be talked out of things. Spare judgment on either and be careful not to compare…."

Success can be easily identified in a narrow area like sports or academic achievement, but it can be very vague as it applies to the whole person. Rarely can an ability in one area make up for deficiencies in others. For example, if you are good at making money but bad at handing it, there will be issues. If you are intelligent but have no people skills, good ideas may be lost.

Another area of balance that is so important is the yin and yang of a mother and a father. The skills of each may overlap in some areas, but a mother can make up for the skills a father lacks, and vice versa. And each family has differing degrees of diversity and cooperation within. The goal should be to balance the two. Too much cooperation among each other can be smothering and limiting, too much diversity in lifestyle and personality can create chaos. However, a good balance of diversity and cooperation will allow families to thrive.

Summary

Again, from “The Power of Dadhood”:

Be Balanced……Be involved but not too involved. Be principled but don’t be preachy. Be consistent but not inflexible. Be loving, but don’t be a pushover. Be fun but be respected. Know your own limits. You cannot be consistent if you don’t have principles. You can’t be loving or fun if you are not involved.
 

Balance in your life home and away.
  • If you want to Learn, you must listen.
  • If you want Growth, you must take risks.
  • If you want Responsibility, you must be responsible.
  • If you want Commitment, you must be involved.
  • If you want Achievement, you must have goals.
  • If you want Success, you must have persistence.
  • If you want Control, you must plan.
  • If you want Rewards, you must provide effort.
  • If you want to Be Liked, you must like yourself.
  • If you want Love, you must be patient.
  • If you want a Challenge, you must dare to improve
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​Help is not always Good; Limitations are not always Bad!

10/14/2019

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When we have kids, we want them to be happy and prosperous. That’s a wonderful goal, but the problem is how to go about that. Some parents grease the skids for their children, thinking it will make success more likely for them. Other parents want their children to succeed but don’t do much to make that happen, either by choice (usually unconsciously) or inability in terms of time or money. A complication to all this question of nurturing is the variation in personalities. Some kids need a kick in the rear, some need simple encouragement, and others are a real challenge.

In my book, The Power of Dadhood, I bring up a question that you should ask yourself before you decide whether or not to help your child in any endeavor. It doesn’t matter if they are a toddler or an adult. The question is this, “Will your help make them stronger or weaker”? I ask this is because both are possible. One attains strength in the face of resistance. Helping too much at the wrong time will rob them of the resistance they need to overcome an obstacle and, therefore, rob them of attainable strength.

On the other hand, not helping enough can rob them of an opportunity to meet a resistance in the first place. The factor is often fear! Fears, unaddressed, can be fatal to success and happiness. Holding a child’s hand, either literally or figuratively, can be the help that will make them stronger by assisting them in conquering a particular fear. This help is accomplished with small, carefully managed, chunks of exposure.

As a child, I had a fear of people. This fear wasn’t actually of people, but the fear of not being accepted by people. I could have easily defeated my fear with exposure, but without exposure there would be no victory over this fear. Because I faced this fear alone, it took years to overcome. Help from a mentor would have made me stronger in this example, not weaker.

To those who grease the skids for kids, I say this. Would anyone be happy without some limitations? Of course, we don’t necessarily want limitations, and any worthwhile individual will work to remove them. But if we have nothing to challenge us, it is as if we were in a utopia. My dictionary defines ‘utopia’ as an ideal place or state. What is more ideal than having no limitations?

My answer to the above question is this - ‘having limitations’ is more ideal! Happiness is tough to define or even achieve. What can be done to work around the notion of happiness is to have a challenge or responsibility. Having a mission in life will give one focus. The best purposes in life are those that confront limitations. Defeating limitations is a pathway to self-respect if not happiness. Don’t take away the challenge of a limitation when your child can beat it on his or her terms.

Summary

Helping someone is good or bad, depending on when and how one carries it out. Limitations are useful when you can rally to defeat them. Parents are good-to-awesome when they can judge what their children need and let then find it themselves whenever possible. But parents also need to be there to catch a child in a fall and provide assistance to get them back on track. It takes a lot of thought to be a good parent. Having an idea of when helping a child will make them stronger or weaker is vital.

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Do You Have a Hero?

10/7/2019

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PictureThe children of the military are Little Patriots that serve our country through their parents.
I’ve thought about who may be the most positive person involved in my youth, a mentor who encouraged me, or was an example of the kind of person I want to be. Unfortunately, that person wasn’t in my immediate family. My mom came the closest because she did inspire and praise me in my efforts to get an education and the life I wanted. But my mom could not be a male role model, nor was she going in a direction that I would ever want to follow. My Uncle Bob, a wonderful man, could have been that person, but he lived in Oregon, and I only knew him when I lived there a few months as a young boy. Undoubtedly, I had teachers that I could have been role models, but I never knew them long enough to follow their lead or heed their advice.

Mentors are people that teach by example. We all need mentors as we grow through different stages of life, but especially when we are young. Children aren’t good judges of their mentors; therefore, they may follow any example, good or bad. My father was absent most of my life, and when he was around, he was typically drunk and an embarrassment. It’s a shame because my father, when sober, was quite interesting, smart, and a gentleman. But the moments where I looked upon my dad as someone to admire was shattered continuously by the drunk he could become and did become over and over again.

My substitute hero became the actor, Jimmy Stewart. I’m not sure what it was that first attracted me to Mr. Stewart. I think it may have been a common interest we had in aviation. That interest was key in his acceptance of movie roles like “The Spirit of St. Louis” and “Strategic Air Command.”  He also played George Bailey in my favorite movie of all time, “It’s A Wonderful Life”. As I watched him in these and other movies, I became enamored by the type of characters he played. Typically, he was honorable, shy, and did the right thing. I dreamed of being like the characters he played in the movies, and even more importantly, the man he was in real life!

James Stewart was a real-life pilot in the Army Air Corps/U.S. Air Force and insisted on going into combat when he could have made recruiting films. Returning from the war in late 1945, Mr. Stewart insisted that his military exploits, which included many combat missions and numerous decorations, not be publicized. I was impressed by that kind of humility. You would have to look far and wide and still not find anyone who would say anything disparaging about him. Once he married, later than most, he remained faithful although admired by many of his female co-stars.

Once, on a business trip to Los Angeles, I drove by the house he lived in for years. Unlike the big mansions behind gates and hidden by vegetation where most stars lived, Jimmy Stewart’s home was on a typical street in Beverly Hills, accessible by anyone who would have walked up to the door. Yes, his was the model I wanted to follow, big shoes to fill for sure, but I loved the challenge.

A disadvantage of having a distant hero is the inability to ask questions or to be reassured when doubts arise. But having someone to look up to, to imagine what your hero would do, is a comfort and a direction in which to look.

Where to find them?

The idea of a substitute father/hero is a good one, but it comes with the danger of misplacing one’s trust with someone whose values are not the best or don’t gel with your personality and goals. Misplaced trust happens too often with young men without boundaries. For instance, joining a gang is often how a young man chooses to belong, emulating the behavior of the men in that gang, most of whom are barely older and have the same identity issues. Sometimes boys in a father-deprived situation like I was look up to hyper-masculine movie heroes who mislead them about real life and being a man. 

A wonderful place to go to find a substitute hero is Big Brothers (now called ‘Big Brothers, Big Sisters’), an organization I volunteered for while I was in the Air Force.  Their Mission is to ‘provide children facing adversity with strong and enduring, professionally supported one-to-one relationships that change their lives for the better, forever’.

The young man for whom I was a Big Brother was nine years old, had long hair, and very quiet. We went fishing, bowling, and to the movies. I went to his ballgames and bought him ice cream. We talked as much as I could get him to talk. I did the things I wish my father had done. While I was a young mid-twenties male with self-confidence issues myself, to him, I was a successful jet pilot in the U.S. Air Force. Did he seem impressed? Not really, he didn’t even ask me about flying. But that was not why I was there. I was there to show him he was important and spending time with him proved that. I let him know my dad was not there for me, just like his dad wasn’t there for him. And I became what I wanted to be . . . just like he could become what he wanted to be.

Summary
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The power of example is an awesome one. We can’t let young men stumble into the wrong places to find their models. Boys thrive on the ideals of service and sacrifice when they have the right examples to follow. I challenge all men to be available to boys who need guidance and encouragement. Young people are our most precious resource, and we must protect our future. 

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​Escape through Planning, A Short Story

9/30/2019

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PictureAuthor around 6 yrs
Sometimes we feel trapped. Trapped by circumstances that make us feel weak and frustrated. This challenge is true for parents and their children. The first step necessary to escape from this feeling or circumstance is to have a goal, something for which to strive. Usually, a goal involves a specific desired situation, but sometimes a goal is just relief.

To escape any situation or to move to a better situation, you must have a plan. A convict who wants to escape from prison studies guard schedules, finds or fabricates tools, coordinates with outside forces, creates trusts, any myriad of things to find the plan the will best work to escape. But without a plan that continues after the escape, he will end up right back in prison.

Escape from my childhood chaos eventually became a reality because I had a plan. I didn’t consciously say to myself, “I need a plan”, but fortunately I had a broad, loose plan that worked. Basically, the unconscious plan was, ‘you become what you think about’, and with those thoughts, you hope you are helped by providence to do the things that will get you there. Outside of that, I had no real plan nor did I understand its significance, but before a plan there must be a goal. Escape, as it inspired the convict, in itself is a goal! And a darned good one because escape infers you are someplace you don’t want to be.
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In my book, ‘The Power of Dadhood’, I wrote about four steps to reach a goal.
  1. Know yourself well. Know and accept your desires and capabilities.
  2. Decide clearly and honestly where you want to go.
  3. Develop a plan to get there.
  4. Have the right attitude to keep your plan in action.

Expanding on the above:
  1. It’s essential to know yourself well! That means not overstating or understating your abilities. You’re not going to be an astronaut if you have bad eyesight, nor will you be an astronaut if you think you are not astronaut material (even if you are).
  2. Deciding where you want to go is the goal. As stated, it must be clear and an honest desire. Without those qualities, you are very unlikely to reach that goal.
  3. Planning is where most people fail. They want but don’t act. They act but act inconsistently or in the wrong direction. Or they act in the right direction but give up at the first failure. All plans must have room for failure baked in. Actions include reactions - positive reactions!​
  4. Attitude is the force the pushes the plan through. It is the reaction that overcomes failure. If you lose a positive attitude, you lose….period.

A Short Story of Escape

In my transition from a meek, nervous kid, to an officer flying jet aircraft for the US Air Force, I loosely employed every step above. By loosely, I mean I didn’t know these things when I was a kid. No one had taught me these things. 
  • I did not know myself well. I undervalued myself immensely. But I did have a burning desire.
  • Here I was strong. I knew clearly and honestly, where I wanted to go. I wanted to be a pilot!
  • I had no plan. I had no idea how I was going to become a pilot. What I did have were two things that served as my plan for many years. I thought about it all the time. And I think ‘you become what you think about’. Secondly, I did my best in school. It was the only thing I had control over – and it served me well.
  • Attitude – I didn’t have the best attitude because I was so unsure of myself. But attitude comes in many forms. My attitude was fueled by my desire. Desire pushed me forward, but it did not fill me with confidence. That made it a difficult journey. Nevertheless, my schooling kept my plan in action until help arrived. Magically, support seems to arrive to help anyone who works towards a reasonable goal with determination and demonstrated effort and unending desire. My help came in the form of an academic scholarship to college. The scholarship allowed me to join Air Force ROTC, then the Air Force, then USAF Undergraduate Pilot Training. I got the wings I had dreamed of as a little boy.
Summary
I was very fortunate to reach my goal. It all could have been so much easier, and I may have gone further had I had help and direction. My father was absent by choice, and my mother was absent by necessity. The good fortune of having a goal made my escape successful. And, speaking of goals, the goal of this article is to make parents aware that they can teach their children helping them to help themselves. Any child that can understand and follow the advice above will surely have a force behind them. Not only a force of knowledge, but the resources of caring parents.

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Author at 23 yrs
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Don’t Miss a Chance to Say You’re Sorry

9/23/2019

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How many times have you heard a parent tell their child to say sorry to someone? Yet, how often do parents say sorry to anyone? I admit that I need to practice what I am about to write as much as anyone and more than others. But I think everyone has had difficulties in this area at one time or another. One of the most challenging things for any of us to do is to say, "I'm sorry", and to say it honestly. The reasons this is difficult are many! 
  • Maybe you don't think you were, or are, wrong
  • Perhaps you are angry enough not to care
  • It could be you are embarrassed
  • You don't want to open old wounds or possible ignite a renewed argument
  • Maybe you don't know how to say the words

Yes, the excuses are numerous. What we don't do is consider the positive aspects of saying, "I'm sorry", and there are many.
  • Often, a weight is lifted allowing you to move on
  • Your admission is a real sign of maturity
  • It takes away someone's anger towards you
  • It will enable openings for those you say sorry to you, returning the courtesy by your example
  • Even if you aren’t sure you were wrong, saying sorry conveys that you don't think a particular issue is worth having hard feelings

​Perhaps one of the reasons adults have a problem with saying they are sorry is because they never learned how or why to do so as children. Sure, when a child does something inappropriate to another, parents will tell them to "say you’re sorry", and most of the time their child will. Young children want to get out of trouble; they aren’t concerned about a weight being lifted and are not apt to act maturely, therefore, they need a nudge. As adults, we need to forget our childish ways and weigh the situation, apologizing if appropriate. But that doesn’t mean we should always apologize, because there are good reasons not to do so. For instance,
  • An apology is not in order when no wrong has taken place, even if someone else thinks so
  • A weak apology is like no apology
  • An insincere apology for deception is unethical and harmful

In a sappy movie from my youth, there was a line, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I never knew what that was supposed to mean. To me, love means saying you’re sorry, especially when you love someone you may have hurt. One of the most underused communication tools of mankind! Having said all this, I know I may pass up opportunities to say I’m sorry when I should. I’ve been there, and so have you. It is difficult. Maybe, however, having thought about it and writing it down means there is a better chance I will do the right thing in the future. I hope so! I know one thing, I’m not sorry for writing this, even if I fail sometimes because I may fail less.
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#Powerofdadhood #HelpingFatherstobeDads



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The Bad News is that Good News is Largely Ignored

9/16/2019

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When I was a kid, I had two significant concerns outside of my personal life. One was nuclear war, a very possible event that thankfully never occurred. The other was the over-population and starvation of the world. That never happened either. (In fact, many of us aren’t even replacing ourselves) There was nothing I could do about either situation that would have made an iota of difference. Nevertheless, there were some sleepless nights. Those nights could have been more enjoyable.

Whenever a fear is wiped away from our collective consciousness, it leaves a vacuum so strong that it sucks another fear in so fast, you can’t even breathe a sigh of relief. But the fear and worry are so much worse than when I was a kid because of the onslaught of over-coverage regarding every bad thing that ever happens in any corner of the world. Communication is at lightning speed, and things we think are true are reported as true before confirmation. Every story becomes magnified by the lens of social media. This focus drives us to worry, stress out, live in fear, overprotect our kids, and be paranoid. Overprotection of your kids may make them one part safer but may also mess them up.

Here are some facts that don’t get the attention that racism, gender identity issues, global warming, drug use, greed, crime, and starvation receive. Bad news seems to be more interesting to some and more useful for others.

Really Good News we rarely hear
  • Greenery on the earth has increased by twice the size of the US in the last 15-20 years.
  • The child mortality rate in Africa is equal to what it was in Europe in 1950. And countries in Sub Saharan African have some of the fastest-growing economies in the world because of access to information and better governments.
  • The poverty rate in the world is decreasing.  Today, about 10% of the world population lives in extreme poverty, while in 1990 the corresponding figure was about 37%. Two centuries ago almost everyone in the world lived in extreme poverty. By 2030, hopefully, no one living is expected to be living below the current poverty level.
  • At the dawn of the new millennium, the United Nations set a goal of eradicating poverty by 2030. With 14 years left to go, we’ve already reduced the proportion of impoverished people in world by 50 percent, according to U.S. Agency for International Development Administrator Gayle Smith.
  • Medical advances are astounding!
  • World illiteracy continues to decline dramatically.
  • Violent crime in the US is declining despite perceptions.
  • The global maternal death ratio fell by 44 percent between 1990 and 2015.
  • Cell phone use and therefore, communication and progress is exploding around the world.

Summary

You will find no claims from me that serious problems don’t exist in the world. But as the Buddhists and many psychologists say, the world is full of suffering, and it’s up to each of us to fight it. And if you don’t buy into suffering, you can buy into really tough challenges. And confront those challenges we have! The rate of improvement has been slow, but it is increasing rapidly! No matter, each of us has it better by far than anyone in our relative situation of the past! Almost all of us live better than the royalty of the past. Be thankful for that! And don’t put fears into your children about things they can do little or nothing to fix. They’ll get enough of that at school. Give them hope!

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​A Manifesto on Citizenship for Our Youth

9/9/2019

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In a way, being born in the US is dangerous to your psyche. No, I’m not talking about the seven counties in the US where 90% of murders take place. (Studies show how murders in the United States are heavily concentrated in very small areas. Few appreciate how much of the US has no murders each year.  Murder isn’t a nationwide problem.  It’s a problem in a very small set of urban areas, and any solution must reduce those murders. Most of us are safe!) Nor am I talking about the San Andres Fault in the West, Tornado Alley of the Mid-West, or the Hurricanes on the East Coast. No, I’m talking about the virtual smugness of those citizens who do not know they are among the .0000001 percent (chose your number of leading zeroes) of the most fortunate of ALL the lives of previous generations in history - to now be living in today’s World and especially in the United States of America.

The danger lies in an inherited lack of appreciation (sometimes taught) of the good the United States and the World have painstakingly brought to all of us. It seems many, especially our youth, focus on our evils, past and present – and indeed they exist. We should never stop trying to make both our World and the US better - there is much work to do! But we need discovery and understanding of the past, and more balance in our views, before sounding off uninformed or too critical of the opinions of others.

In the Shoes of Others


It’s not just complacency that takes place in many of us; it extends into a lack of appreciation for the battles, verbal and physical, that influential citizens of the past have taken on at great expense to get to our standard of living today.  A great number of young people believe that America is evil because we once had slavery. Yes, slavery is awful and good citizens fought to rid us of that terrible injustice with great sacrifice. Some say we are a terrible country for not allowing women to vote until a few decades ago. True! Good citizens marched and got that changed. Or maybe we are an evil country for getting involved in the affairs of other countries - even when invited. Many mistakes occurred in this area, yet what would the world be like if China or Russia were the most powerful nation in the world? I believe that when the US made mistakes or had bad policies as a country, they were just that, not a means to take over the world. Where, after all, have we stayed to rule? Not Germany, Japan, Viet Nam, Iraq, etc.
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My point is the self-righteousness of those who forget what our ancestors have overcome. It’s straightforward, today, to say women should have the right to vote. It was not so easy at the turn of the century for reasons of historical factors and the traditions of the day. To end slavery, hundreds of thousands had to die, mostly those not under bondage of slavery. Think twice if you think we, in this softer generation, could have done better or got it done faster.

Think Before You Drink the Kool-Aid
 
 
I may be confusing you. On the one hand, I’m saying we don’t appreciate what the citizens of the past have done to overcome certain inequities. That’s true! On the other hand, I’m implying that our citizens of today should hesitate before fighting real and perceived injustices. Of course we should fight, as others before us have! But understand first the 'what and why'. What are the injustices? Some are well worth the fight; others we perceive in the light of rabble-rousing or are very low in comparative importance. I can only have my own opinion, and you should have yours – not someone else’s. If you are right-leaning or left-leaning, you will find many on the opposite end of your ideals. Most of the time their views are honestly held.

Here’s the thing! Study before you come to an opinion. Think before you act. Give before you take. Understand before you criticize. Don’t assume. Think about your opposition’s reasoning. Yes you can disagree, but maybe you will have a modicum of understanding for what brought them to their position. Here’s an extreme, perhaps an unpopular, example.

An Islamic terrorist does not see him or herself as a terrorist. In their minds, they are a champion for Allah. And that ‘fable’ (my strong opinion) of 72 virgins at your service upon self-sacrifice is exciting at the least.  This conviction is what these people are taught and believe from birth by people they love and trust. We are fighting their beliefs, not so much them.

Another consideration is personality attributes of which there are many. Some of us are agreeable, and some are not. Some of us are conscientious while others are more creative. Some believe in self-responsibility because that’s in their social DNA. They don’t understand people who seemingly don’t care for themselves. Others want to help everyone, even those who won’t help themselves. So, if one person believes in giving to the homeless, and others don’t, it’s not a matter of being right or wrong, it’s often a matter of your personality and background. It takes much convincing to change your beliefs on victimhood, the evils of society, or conservative/progressive thought in general.

Young adults put too much faith in listening to those around them before they think for themselves. Places this happens are the home, churches, mosques, temples, military, schools, and universities. Even those in gangs allow the gang to think for them. How many of these places teach you to think for yourself? Not many. It takes time and experience to shake the beliefs of others that aren’t indeed your own. Again, the intentions of these groups are usually excellent and not intentionally bad, but it is worthwhile to look with a critical eye and ask many questions with an open and judging mind.

We are always correct in our minds. We can’t always trust our thoughts or judgments. For instance, there is a major political issue about which I have changed my opinion. My old opinion made so much sense until I talked to a friend with a different view. His explanation made more sense to me than the reactive idea I had before. I’ve had other discussions where my mind was not changed. These discussions are valuable because many factors are considered, leading one to more or less faith in their stance. That is important!

Principles


As previously mentioned, don’t take until you’ve provided. When you are very young, most of your thoughts, lifestyle, and beliefs and been provided to you. To spout those things forward is not credible until you have thought for yourself, supported your own lifestyle, and have your rationalized reasoning for your beliefs. Learn by doing, volunteering, giving back, reading history, understanding people and personality. Spend a year working before going to college. Live by your self-provided means. Support your country through community volunteering or the military. If you go to college, go to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer, architect, scientist, teacher, etc. These are things that require further education. You can learn most other topics, not all of course, on your own – and save tons of money! If you go college to be an artist, dancer, social worker, activist, or actor, then consider these to be gifts to society. We need these people and should support them and enjoy them. It’s usually not, however, a way to earn a comfortable living. Know that! Make your choices with targets for which you are aiming your life.

Summary

Study before you come to an opinion. Think before you act. Understand before you criticize. Don’t assume. As an adult, don’t ‘take’ until you’ve ‘provided’. If you still ‘take’ and you are 26 years of age, you are still a child. It’s not all about YOU. When you understand that, YOU will like yourself more, as will others. These are ideals I hope my children learned from me. I already know one or two have a few differing opinions than me and that is a good sign.

If you agree with these words, do so because you came to your thought-out conclusion. If you don’t, here’s your chance to give these words consideration, at the least - or argue your point.
​
PS. Next week I will put forth some substantial proof of how much better off we are than our ancestors, even our parents.

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​Do Whatever You Want! Success Demands It!

8/19/2019

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PictureThe author's 4 yr old granddaughter
(This is the type of conversation a parent should have with their child when they deem it appropriate) 

Do whatever you want! Sounds nice, and it is! But doing what you wish to requires responsibility and boundaries. I’ll get to the limitations later, but first, doing what you want is very important to your success!

Some artists and authors couldn’t manage a grocery store, and grocery store managers often can’t draw a decent circle or write an original sentence. If one were born into a family that managed grocery stores but had an artistic flair and desire to be creative, they could be coaxed or fooled into thinking they must do what their parents do. They also may have been convinced that art is a waste of time, especially financially. Hearing this over and over, and not being understood by others, could give one serious doubts.

I know a man who became a priest at the urging of his parents. His parents were very proud of him! He, too, believed he wanted to be a priest – until he went to the seminary and found his enthusiasm lacking compare to the other students. Maybe he wanted something else in life but never gave himself the freedom to explore those thoughts. When he finally did, he was wearing a clerical collar and knew it would devastate his parents if he were to give it up.

My three adult children all earned a college degree. My two daughters wanted an advanced education, and they went at it enthusiastically. My son, however, is a hands-on kind of guy. Formal education was a challenge to him, not because he wasn’t smart; he is very much so. He went to college because we expected of him. At first, he went to engineering school because I did. But that wasn’t him. Then he joined Air Force ROTC because I did. But that wasn’t him. I never once suggested either of those avenues. He had no plan of his own because college wasn’t his thing. My wife and I fought him for two years to keep it up, to graduate. As parents, we thought it best, but after two years of pushing, we decided we had to stop.

“Okay, do what you want, Mike. Quit if that’s what you need to do”, we told him. No more would we pressure him to stay. As a result, he remained in school and got his Bachelor’s Degree. He complained no more because it was his decision! Now, in two years, he will retire from the Army as a helicopter pilot and highly ranked Warrant Officer. He became successful because he did what HE wanted to do.

The Limitations

Of course, you can’t do whatever you want. There are laws, ethics, common sense, and others to consider. You should never cheat, steal, or lie to get what you want. That’s obvious. Be careful of following the crowd, fads, peer pressure, and being too accepting of other’s views. Remember that you must sometimes forfeit what you want for the better of loved ones. As an example, don’t be out with your buddies if your child has a concert or a play. Always consider others when making decisions for yourself, but don’t be a slave to those considerations. It is mostly just common sense, but we don’t always use it, and some don’t have any. You owe it to loved ones to communicate with them your hopes and dreams. They will most likely help you!

Success/Happiness

Financial success may come even in a circumstance where you aren’t happy. However, it’s not very likely you will enjoy it. Happiness will never happen just because you’re successful, or just because you made someone else happy while going against your desires. You can be successful in a dishonest way, but that will not make you happy unless you’re a sociopath. You have to be your persona within the limitations by which we all live. In short, happiness is success! Making a positive difference is success! The best there is! So do whatever you want – but remember the social limitations. Recognizing those limitations may help you to reach your happiness!

​#powerofdadhood



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​Where Does Violent Behavior Really Begin?

8/11/2019

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Picture
It’s not a mystery! That is, it shouldn’t be a mystery but rarely is it discussed in public forums. To a very serious degree, violence and misbehavior begin in the homes where there is no father! Please read the information and data below. Forget for a moment the crime data, drug data, and unwed mother data you see on the news. Why? Because they are secondary data *.

​Why is father absence the real problem?

Picture
​We cannot ignore these statistics! Without a father to have as an example to follow, to love you, to teach you, to share moments with, to have as someone who gives you a nod of approval or a glare of warning, is an irreplaceable loss. Every child wants both parents to be proud of them. When children don’t have these fundamental rights of childhood, they either rebel, shrivel within themselves, or find other ways to get recognition and acceptance.

What does science tell us about the causes of violent behavior?
  1. Most behaviors – including violent behavior – are actually acquired or learned.
  2. Most of this learning is not intentional or classroom-based; rather, learned behaviors come from modeling, observing, imitating, or copying. (This is sometimes called social learning.)
  3. Most of this social learning is unconscious – meaning behaviors are picked up without our awareness of it.

Without a male role model, kids learn behavior from others. They observe and model whoever pays them attention. What they absorb is often not good for them. The need for belonging is why gangs exist. Gangs prey upon those individuals who are looking for recognition and approval. They don’t have the best interests for those individuals - not like a mother and father would!

Even after controlling for community context, there is significantly more drug use among children who do not live with their mother and father. Individuals from father-absent homes are 279% more likely to carry guns and deal drugs than peers living with their fathers. 
 
“The causal relationship is profound between fatherlessness, single-parent families and the resultant murders, shootings, violence, poverty, lack of upper-mobility, school miseries for teachers and students, flourishing of vicious and brazen gangs (replacing fathers), lost job opportunities, illicit drug use and sales, and general quality of life.” (See the Washington Times)

One summary statement from a major study (Marriage and Family Review, 2003) titled “The Presence of Fathers in Attenuating Young Male Violence”, says “Data analyzed across the U.S. indicate that father absence, rather than poverty, was a strong predictor of young men’s violent behavior.” Even with that, poverty is four times greater in single-parent homes than homes with two parents.

No one seems to care or find excuses to avoid talking about father absence

When father absence in connection of violence, crime, poverty, or mental instability comes up, “usually either no response (most frequent), an ad hominem response, or a false, irrelevant response (One such response: This is a “horrible statement and a condemnation of the black single-parent household.”) There is nothing racially inherent in the locating of this social disaster of fatherlessness. Both white families and black families have about tripled the number of homes with kids without fathers since the 1960s.” says an article in the Washington Times entitled, “The social costs of fatherlessness”.

Certainly, many families do well with one parent, and there are intact families that are dysfunctional. However, the few that go against the norm are not the real problem. Yet few media outlets or politicians talk about the father absence problem. Worse, when reported, few people react in any coordinated or positive way.

More media analysis (but not enough!)
  • “The root cause of the murder, assaults, bullying, and intimidation that now defines Baltimore and most of Maryland is fatherlessness.” Baltimore Examiner
  • Kay Hymowitz  wrote the following in the LA Times: “As far back as the 1970s, family researchers began noticing that… [b]oys from broken homes were more likely than their peers to get suspended and arrested… And justice experts have long known that juvenile facilities and adult jails overflow with sons from broken families. Liberals often assume that these kinds of social problems result from our stingy support system for single mothers and their children. But the link between criminality and fatherlessness holds even in countries with lavish social welfare systems.”
  • The Washington Examiner reported, “Many problems facing today’s children can be traced back to a broken home. While some kids do not let the stigma of a broken nuclear family impact them, it’s hard to argue against the positive benefits of a nuclear home. A household that is comprised of both a mother and father is crucial for the development of children. A young boy often needs and desires a father figure.”

Beyond violence, failure to thrive!

I wrote an article for the National Fatherhood Initiative in which I state another unrecognized problem of father-absent families. I titled it The Hidden Costs of Dysfunctional Families. Here is an excerpt from that article, “The lesson is that not every casualty of a dysfunctional family is obvious. Some “success” stories mask what could have been even bigger successes. Families should be slingshots, throwing children into the world prepared for what lies ahead. Unfortunately, the problems of dysfunctional families are like anchors, dragging down their potential, and too many people succumb to their disadvantages rather than fighting to conquer them.”

Father absence affects all families because father absence affects the society in which they live

In 2015, 43 percent of single-mother homes were at or below the poverty level. Children who live in poverty are more likely to remain poor as adults, putting them at risk for having children while unmarried, a significant cause of poverty and father absence.

Father absence also leads to higher rates of juvenile delinquency, including behaviors such as violent crime and drug trafficking. According to a 2011 research paper by Deborah A. Cobb-Clark Erdal Tekin, “Understanding the link between fathers’ involvement with their children… and delinquent behavior is critical… the decision to engage in risky or criminal behavior often has substantial social, economic, and health costs for adolescents… their families and society more generally.”

HOPE: Father absence can be countered and its effects mitigated

The first step to mitigate the effects of fatherlessness is to maintain and strengthen the parenting skills of men currently present in their children’s lives. The positive influence of involved fathers on their children can be leveraged to reduce the risk that their children will become part of the fatherlessness cycle. (This is the goal of The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs)

The second step to address the consequences of fatherlessness is to increase the number of fathers who will mentor a fatherless child. Highly-involved fathers can mitigate the effects of fatherlessness in their community by taking this step.

The third step to mitigate the effects of fatherless is to increase the number of men who will foster or adopt a fatherless child.

Summary

Almost every ill of society is principally caused by dysfunctional families. Not all, but in no small degree. In most instances, it is the father who is missing. What society does is ignore the root cause and talk about intermediate causes that will never address the problem properly. Grassroots efforts by each community are the best way to correct the ills of society. Our Government can help by not passing legislation that encourages the separation of families. They can reward families that stay together, but no, they reward families that don’t stay together. I understand why it happens this way – they require the most help. It’s a real dilemma. Somehow we must look at family cohesion. If we do, we could be greatly rewarded in a generation or two - because violence will be held to a minimum. Let’s find ways to keep as many fathers in the home as possible!

Note: Everything in blue is a referenced link
___________________
​* 
As a retired engineer, I am familiar with driving deep into the cause of failures. The company where I worked, and many others, use something called a ‘5-Why Analysis” . I’ve written in this space about it in the past. But before I lose you, I’ll keep it very simple. A ‘5-Why Analysis’ is simply asking a series of questions, diving deeper into each answer as to why something occurred. The first answer is rarely, if ever, the real cause or reason. The same is true for violence – the first why a violent act occurs is not the root cause. 

5-Why Analysis Example
​

Simply put, you ask yourself why something happened, but you don’t stop at the first answer. You ask why that answer happened. Now your two ‘whys’ in. You continue this until you get at least 5 answers.  
Example: I broke my wrist.

Why 1 - How: I fell off my bike
Why 2 – Why: I hit a pothole.
Why 3 – How: I was not paying attention
Why 4 – Why: I was listening to a podcast that took my mind off what I was doing.
Why 5 - Why: Because it helps me pass the time while I get exercise.
​
The ultimate reason I broke my wrist is that I need to concentrate on one thing at a time. The pothole was a contributor, but not the cause. The podcast was a contributor, but not the cause. The cause was my inability to do two things reasonably well at once. I should either ride me bike, listen to a podcast, or learn to do both properly at once.


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