Helping Fathers Become Dads - MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood

Your Home May Be a Shack, but Your Mind Can Be a Palace

1/2/2019

When thinking about your present situation in life, likely because it is the beginning of a new year, think about what your contribution has been and what it could be. An example:

'Poor' is a description that can be misunderstood. We can have poor vision, poor attitudes, poor health, etc. But here I use poor as it is often thought of, to portray someone who has a lack of income or wealth. While many people are poor in this sense, we can all be rich in other areas. Indeed, one does not need money to do any of the following:

Read
Play
Exercise
Write
Sing
Smile
Love
Imagine
Pray
Think
Dance
Be gracious
Be friendly
Have vision
Help someone
Have an opinion

No one can deny anyone the actions above, except to ourselves. Can someone refute that a poor child with perseverance and desire is wealthier, in the most beneficial ways, than a rich child with indifference and entitlement? If you are a healthy adult and remain poor, it’s very possible you have not partaken in many of the bulleted actions above. I did not have all those qualities as a child. Had they been explained to me, and if I had listened, life would have been so much more comfortable with or without the privilege of money.

It is best always to consider yourself the problem. For if you think the world around you is the problem, then you are helpless. But if you decide and believe that you (your beliefs, your attitude, your lack of creativity, your procrastination, your victimization, etc.) are the problem, then you have control suggesting that solutions and progress are possible. Quotes:

Benjamin Franklin said, “Content makes poor men rich; discontent makes rich men poor.”
In Angela’s Ashes, Frank McCourt wrote, “You might be poor, your shoes might be broken, but your mind is a palace.”
And lastly, my favorite, “We are not rich by what we possess but by what we can do without.” Immanuel Kant

I would supplement Kant’s quote by saying ‘we are rich by what we possess that we can do little without,’ which would be the bulleted qualities listed above, all of which require vision. Therefore, your highest value resides in your vision.

Michael Byron Smith
Author of “The Power of Dadhood”

Christmas and the Grinch That Hated Christmas Lights

12/21/2018

Christmases Past

As a kid, my siblings and I had nice Christmases even though we were poor. A few were supplemented with kind members of a nearby church. But with the help of relatives and my mom prioritizing over other needs, we always had gifts to open and Christmas mornings were a joy!

Between my late teens and becoming a parent, Christmas is kind of a blur because no small children were there to forge a memorable impression. That all changed when my wife and I became parents. Again we got into the wonder of Santa, Rudolf, elves, and presents. Our kids picked up on Christmas traditions like reindeer automatically know how to fly. We were excited about them being excited and looked forward to Christmas morning almost as much as they did. However, not all was merry and bright!

I confess that I was not as enthusiastic about decorations and the hoopla of Christmas season as my wife, Kathy, especially the many weeks prior. The day after Thanksgiving, Kathy wanted to put up the tree. I wasn’t quite in the mood yet, but I lugged it up, griping, and put on half the ornaments. I never really liked wrapping presents nor did Kathy like the sloppy and wasteful way I did it. My biggest gripe about the Christmas season as an adult is Christmas lights! I now refuse to put them up after many years of aggravation with those little bulbs of terror that never seemed to work for any length of time. I had too many wasted hours hanging them up and having them fail over and over again. I would work myself into a terrible mood when it took up half my day in the cold to get them repaired only to do it again a week or less later.

Now, I feel a little guilty because Kathy decorates the door and bushes herself, quietly (sometimes) angry (always) that I won’t help. Sure enough, this year she has had to fix or replace the lights at least four times. I don’t know how long she will put up with the aggravation that she shows - but won’t admit to. If I give in to hanging or fixing the lights, I will be stuck forever allowing my Christmas to be less than enjoyable, baa humbug! I would happily settle for a spotlight shining on a wreath on our door to show our holiday cheer. Yes! I’m a terrible husband for my stance! Note: Our kids were way past believing in Santa before I stopped harassing and being harassed by Christmas lights.

But all the preparation and work on Christmas morning, mostly by Kathy, seemed to be more than worth it watching our kids open presents which, by the way, came with rules. Kathy insisted the kids take turns opening their presents, one at a time. That never happened when I was a kid, but I liked the rule. Eventually, they grow up, and the magic that comes with little children disappears - no eyes the size of saucers, no screaming or jumping up and down. No little girls in brand new pajamas with missing teeth, or little boys wearing new cowboy boots in their underwear. It becomes a nice, but relatively unexciting, day of controlled present unwrapping and polite words of thanks when only adults are involved.

Then come the grandchildren! The excitement returns! They want to help you with your ornaments and trimming, which triples the time it takes to decorate! Afterward, they want to play with everything shiny and new, breaking some. Hiding presents is necessary once more. Wondering what they might want is a chore (again, Kathy) and buying too much is a given.

I still don’t like wrapping presents and putting up lights! My wife doesn’t like the Grinch in me. But we do have new traditions along with the old ones. For instance, cookie day is a must for my wife, daughters, and kids. I help as a photographer, taste tester, and bowl-licker. My primary responsibility comes on Christmas Eve when the extended family gets together for dinner and fun at our family farmhouse (which I decorate without lights). In the days prior, I look for inexpensive gifts, mostly from the Dollar Store, and wrap them as prizes for the kids who win rounds of Christmas Bingo. The first one who gets five elves - or sleigh bells - or wreaths, in a row, wins a present to open. The older kids help the younger kids, and they get such a kick sharing the excitement with younger siblings and cousins.

Yes, Christmas can bring a lot of joy and a causes a lot of angst. I give credit to my wife for the joy it brings to our grandchildren, and I thank her! But it will take a Christmas miracle or new technology for me to give in to the hell of Christmas lights. We just can’t seem to get along!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! Christmas has always been a mixture of emotions, changing with the circumstances of your life. One constant has been the absolute joy of kids and Christmas morning. Of course, the birth of Jesus is why Christmas exists at all, and the holiday has certainly has become too commercialized. But the joy of Christmas includes the smiles of children around the world. Certainly their smiles would make Jesus smile also.

PS. My book, "The Power of Dadhood" may be a thoughtful present for Dad!

Calming Parental Paranoia

12/17/2018

Risk Factors: Parents tend to consider negative impacts much more than the likelihood of those impacts.

It used to be that kids could play outside on their own for hours on end. “Come home when the streetlights come on,” moms would say. No longer! The typical neighborhood in the US is no more dangerous now, and likely less dangerous than it was then. But, of course, we hear of every discretion in the world now through the multitude of media outlets and the lightning-fast way that news travels. Then we imagine the transgression and make it personal, thinking how horrible it would be if that incident or tragedy happened to our loved ones!

For instance, many parents now fear that any day their kid will be abducted on her three-block walk home. So mom or dad meet him at school or, has it happens at my grandchildren’s school, the school won’t let a ‘walker’ off the property until in the hands of a known adult. My purpose here is not to criticize steps taken to protect our children, but to ease some of the mind-numbing fear because another factor exists that is rarely considered, that is the exceedingly remote likelihood of a kidnapping happening to you or anyone you know – the ‘IF’ factor.

According to the Polly Klaas Foundation, 99.8% of the children who go missing do come home! And only about 100 children (a fraction of 1%) are kidnapped each year in the entire United States in the stereotypical stranger abductions you hear about in the news.

Let me take the example of flying in a commercial aircraft. This proposal causes much fear in some people because, let’s face it, a crash is dramatic and might kill you. But if you care to look, here is a link showing the flights currently in the air. It reveals just how busy the airways are yet you rarely hear of an incident even though every accident, even minor, is reported. So while Americans have a 1 in 114 chance of dying in a car crash, according to the National Safety Council, the odds of dying in an air incident are 1 in 9,821. That’s 86 times safer than driving and three times safer than eating because of the choking hazard, yet we take the risk of riding in a car and eating.

Message 1: Realize that you can cheat yourself or your children of significant life opportunities if you don’t consider how unlikely some consequences are.

When we keep our kids too safe, there are still risks. You may end up with a child who is afraid of things they’ve never tried in life or who is awkward in certain social situations. They may miss out on experiences to grow or to build confidence. These possible consequences are not as severe as being abducted or dying in a plane crash, but the likelihood of those things happening are much higher.

Message 2: Realize that you can cheat yourself or your children of significant life opportunities if you don’t consider how likely some consequences are.

The magnitude of risk (risk factor) considers two elements, the likelihood (probability) of something happening and the consequence (impact) if it does. While ‘consequences’ can remain somewhat stable, ‘likelihood’ can change by location and circumstance. Confusing to think about, but, actually, all I’m trying to suggest is that two entirely different kinds of risks can have a similar ‘risk factor.’ For instance, overprotecting your kids is just as risky, in a sense, as not. Because a loss of freedom, adventure, or decision making can be harmful in less noticeable ways. Something to consider! Something to balance.

Summary

I know that not one parent is likely to stop escorting their children in safe neighborhoods (a completely valid thing to do in unsafe neighborhoods because of likelihood), and those afraid of flying will remain so. I get that! But I hope that, maybe, if we consider more than just the visions of what we hear and see on the news, and consider their 'likelihoods' also, then the paranoia can be reduced, thereby helping our sanity, our contentment, and our joy of living.

It’s the Family, Stupid!

12/10/2018

I began this blog “Helping Fathers to be Dads” in 2013 just before the publication of my book, "The Power of Dadhood” and I haven’t missed writing at least one article a week in over four years. My purpose was the hope that I would find an audience that might need encouragement, discussion, and some thoughts about being a parent, especially a dad! Now it is 10:00 PM on a Monday and I just realized I haven’t written a thing for this self-imposed deadline of mine.

I just returned from a visit to my son, stationed in Texas. It was Cookie Day on Saturday with our four grandchildren. I’ve been very occupied by a new book project and thoughts regarding a personal issue. Commitments, projects, family, writing, you name it - we all get busy, but after four years I don’t want to miss a week.

But I don’t want to waste my time or yours because I appreciate that anyone would take time to read what I have to say. So I will repeat some VERY important and disturbing facts regarding fatherhood. You may be aware of this info if you’ve read past blog posts of mine. Otherwise, you may be shocked by the impacts dads have by their presence or their absence.

Social Facts regarding Fatherhood:

91% of fathers agree there is a father-absence crisis in the US.
41% of babies were born to unmarried mothers in 2008. In 1950, this number was 4%.
70% of adults believe a child needs a home with both a father and a mother to grow up happy.
In 1960, 88% (67% Black) of children lived in a home with two parents. Today that number is around 69% (41% Black).
24.7 million Children (33%) lived in a biological father-absent home in 2010.
Half of all children are expected to live with a biological mother and a ‘social’ father.
A 2009 study found that father involvement was the only factor that decreased the odds of engaging in sexual activity.

The resulting facts!

Children raised without a father in the home are:

15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
24.3 times more likely to run away
6.6 times more likely to drop out of high school
4.6 times more likely to commit suicide
6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institution
10.8 times more likely to commit rape
6.6 times more likely to become teenage mothers
15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager

Imagine now, a society where 90% of homes are complete with involved fathers.

Would we have near the drug problem?
Would we need more police?
Would we have fewer teen births?
Would we have less poverty and needy families?

I think we know the answers to these questions! Each issue mentioned - drugs, crime, teen births, and poverty - are continuing problems we face each day in America. We fight them with drug programs, more police, more free condoms and abortions, and increased welfare. Those programs will never solve any of those issues until families somehow become whole in the majority. Every problem begins and/or ends in the home. Better yet, the hope is a family culture that is such that thoughts of trouble with drugs, crime, teen pregnancy, or poverty could never be an issue. I believe this with all my heart!

It is 10:37. It was a quick write, but packed with important information I hope you can use and/or share!

Think #family

#powerofdadhood

Adolescence to Adulthood: Will They Ever Get Out of the House?

12/3/2018

These young adults (2002) all became quickly successful in life!

A trend in recent years is the glacial pace at which adolescents are moving into adulthood. Young people are taking their time accepting adult responsibilities, having sex earlier with more partners, drinking heavily, marrying later, studying later, traveling longer and taking more time to decide what it is they want to do with their lives. They also are very picky about the jobs they will accept, waiting for their dream job. Some might say, “So, what’s wrong with all that?” But what it has led to is more young adults living with parents than a spouse in 2016 and not likely to be paying rent. And no matter your thoughts on the Affordable Care Act, the fact that a 26-year-old is eligible to be covered by his parent's insurance is irresponsible from the standpoint of delaying personal adult responsibility. Daddy and mommy should not be responsible for your lives at 26.

The traditional definition for adolescence is between and the ages of 10 and 19, which marked the beginnings of puberty and the perceived end of biological growth. Now, some scientists say adulthood does not begin until 24. At that age, I was already flying nuclear-equipped aircraft for the Air Force.

What comes first, adulthood then responsibility, or responsibility then adulthood?

Clearly, in past generations, responsibility made one an adult, maybe sometimes too early. These days it seems that responsibilitues are delayed until one claims adulthood, and that is happening later and later.
In the past, young adults were expected to have finished school, found a job, and set up their own household during their 20s—most often with their spouse and with a child soon to follow. Other facts - around 1900, nine of ten young people 14-17 years old worked full time. In 1920, nearly two-thirds of all people over age 14 were married. During World War II, large numbers of 18-year-olds (and younger) were fighting and dying in ferocious battles and deplorable conditions in defense of their country.

How to accelerate into adulthood

In my opinion, as parents, we should strive to get somewhere in the middle, between the tough days of generations past and the overindulgence of young adults in the present. But how?
Some things are learned through what I call ‘parental osmosis’, where your kids learn by watching and mimicking you. It helps if you, as a parent, have the qualities you desire in your children. “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t really work. Of course, children don’t always follow their parent’s example. Which can be a good thing sometimes, but not usually! So teaching and expecting certain behaviors from them is very important. So too, are the behaviors you choose as important.

Here are six behaviors, or characteristics, that can be helpful in guiding any young person into adulthood.

Ambition – Most kids have ambitions. Some good, like a college degree or a specialized skill, others not as good, like becoming the best video game player in school. However, the best ambition for anyone is to use every gift available to reach one’s highest potential for making a difference in the world. Although not always easy to get across, it is easy to discuss and set expectations. Without your guidance, this kind of thinking may not cross their minds until too late.

Commitment – Never accept a half-baked job from your child. Every task assigned or every venture they decide to take on should not be abandoned for trivial reasons. When they are committed, they need to go all out to success or failure, but never a failure of commitment.

Reliability – When you say you will do something, always do it (or have a darn good reason). You can’t expect a kid to be reliable when he hasn’t seen it from others and isn’t required to be so from his parents. Reliability is a giant step toward respectability!

Resilience – Failure is indeed a great teacher! There is no shame in failure because it comes with effort and risk indicating someone with goals. Resilient kids learn from their failures and keep sharpening their tools. If your child gives up too quickly on new endeavors or tasks, push them to continue. Their eventual and likely success will teach them the value of resilience.

Humility – A humble person is likely to have had success without the need to flaunt their achievements. Some people never grow up in this area. When your child is humble, it characterizes maturity and wins admiration from others. Sure, one may not get credit for something by not telling others, but bragging about any achievement will nullify any impression that you may have been looking for. Success is for you to celebrate within, not as a reason to boast or assume a higher station in life.

Courage – Courage is doing what one has to do even if they fear failure. Courage gives a child resilience which factors into their reliability because of their commitment. Speak to your kids when fear grips them. Let them know that fear is usually paper thin and can be overcome by challenging it square-on. It also takes courage to decide not to follow peers into dark places or acts. Courage always comes with some fear or doubt. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be necessary.

Summary

If you want to avoid what some parents are going through these days with their young adult children, start taking action now! Any adolescent with the above qualities will undoubtedly have success and be ready to move quickly into the responsible behavior we all look for in adulthood! A good dad or mom will start teaching these behaviors at a very young age, and when they do, they can be satisfied they have done their best as a parent. And you may have your house to yourself!

The Five Tools to a Rewarding Life

11/26/2018

Busch Stadium In St. Louis

What makes someone very successful? What makes them stand apart? What can a parent do to help their child become successful? I’ll use the analogy of a baseball team/player.

I love baseball. I love that there is no clock. I love the strategy. I love how it brings people together who don’t even know each other. My favorite team since I was six years old is the St. Louis Cardinals. For my team to do well requires them to be successful in many areas. It’s apparent to anyone that pitching, fielding, and hitting are essential, but scouting, management, and player development are just as important to field a winning team. Whichever team succeeds in all these areas will usually be on top.

No baseball player succeeds to the Major Leagues without enormous talent, yet some are better at defense and others are better at offense. While some ballplayers run faster, others may have more instinct. Baseball fans are aware of what it takes for a player to be extraordinary, and that is the player who can do everything well. Today, a player who can be described that way is Mike Trout of the Anaheim Angels. Mike Trout is called a ‘Five-Tool-Player’ which means he can field, run, throw, hit for average, and hit for power. Few players have all these tools, but even being good at two or three can will make a player millions of dollars.

There are five tools for players in the game of life also. Being good at two or three of them may not bring in the earnings of a Major League ballplayer, but indeed success is within reach. Being proficient in all five tools of life and you can be an all-star.

What are the five areas or tools where one can be successful? The following is from The Power of Dadhood which explains that success is not measured in money but in balanced skills that will make one’s life rich and full.

Financial Success: Not necessarily having a lot of money, but knowing how to manage the money you do have.
Relationship Success: Having loving friends and family members who can be counted on in good times and bad, just as they count on you.
Intellectual Success: Maximizing your intellect by being open to others, their ideas, and their culture. Always being open to learning. Having confidence, patience, and empathy while understanding your strengths and weaknesses, and those of others.
Physical Success: Giving your body and mind the exercise, nutrients, and rest they need.
Spiritual Success: Being able to live outside the needs of your ego with love and understanding for people and all living things.

As fathers, giving our children these tools of success would be our own truest success. Look at each of your children. Which of these five tools does each of them need your help with? It will likely be different for each child. Spend time with each to teach, mentor, and encourage them as they make their way to success.

Choices to Ponder

11/19/2018

“Life is a matter of choices, and every choice you make makes you.”
John C. Maxwell

As a follow up to my last blog post regarding balance, I bring up choices. Choices are those decisions about things that can bring balance into your life. A question: How often does balance factor into your choices? Likely, not too often. When we choose what we choose it is likely highly influenced by what we want regarding that choice. For instance, if you’re a car nut, you might buy a Mercedes over a Volkswagen even though you live in a third floor flat in a crappy neighborhood. That might be ‘balance’ for you, but it’s not a balanced lifestyle. But it is your choice.

Let us play a 'what-if' game. Would you rather have a below average IQ and be rich, or an above average IQ and be poor? Which choice would give more balance in your life? Lets forget at the moment that if you already have a low IQ that you would choose to be rich. No one is that stupid!

Let's set a scene.

You haven't been blessed intellectually, but on a billion to one shot you may have won the lottery! Or a rich relative, knowing you didn’t have much going for you, left you a fortune in a will (not something I would have done).

So the first thing you decide to do after coming into money is to take a vacation to the Philippines, ignoring all the State Department warnings of terrorism. Or maybe you crave the best cheesesteak sandwiches in the world and thought you booked a flight to Philadelphia? Regardless, the fact that you are stupid is why you are in an ugly situation because you have been flashing money while looking for a cheesesteak joint in Manila and have been kidnapped by the terrorist group, Abu Sayyaf. But hey, we’re past that now.

You need mucho greenbacks to be released and, fortunately, you have the money to do it! Besides, Abu Sayyaf quickly realizes money is the only thing you have to offer. Being rich is now better than being smart, and you are released having electronically transferred your entire fortune to the terrorists. The only problem is now that you are free, you are both stupid and not-rich while wandering homeless in the streets of Manila - hoping someone will donate a cheesesteak sandwich to fend off starvation.

In this what-if game, I would choose to be 'poor but smart' over 'rich but stupid'. If you are poor but have intelligence, you can escape being poor with good choices. Rich people who make bad choices won't keep their money very long.

On the other hand, not everyone is smart in practical ways. I have a couple of distant relatives with very high IQs who wallow in self-destructive habits. Bad choices occur even if you are smart like these relatives of mine who devour science fiction books and score high playing video games. They revel and do well in the activities they enjoy. They also have very little money even with the intellectual talent to earn well. They would never confuse Philadelphia with the Philippines, but they may confuse being smart as having emotional intelligence, which would be wrong.

Seriously

We all make good and bad choices. My example of the stupid guy kidnapped by Abu Sayyaf may have been a bad one. Bad choices are not always apparent in advance. Sometimes, they are miscalculations with good intent. However, choices for the most important things in life should be clear - like the following.

When it is vital for balance in your life;

Choose family over work
Choose memories over things
Choose love over luxury
Choose independence over dependence
Choose travel over counting your money
Choose friends over contacts
Choose action over empathy
Choose strength over fear
Choose balance over extravagance
Choose investment over gambling
Choose Philadelphia over the Philippines until Abu Sayyaf is defeated.

Choose well, choose with factual information, choose long term goals over instant gratification. Choose a city for action and country for relaxation. Choose coffee in the morning and wine in the evening. But you don't have to - because you make your choices and your choices make you. Something you should definitely teach your children!

Now, I choose to end this blog and have some coffee and small talk with my wife this morning!

Balance in Words and Action

11/12/2018

One of the key principles in parenting is ‘balance.’ That’s one of the great treasures of having two parents. A child can see different reactions, beliefs, attitudes, personality, tone, sex, and other differences with two parents in their lives. One parent may be more or less correct than the other but a sneak at both sides, when there are differences, is likely a good thing. Some people call it diversity in viewpoints. Hearing the same thing all the time is more akin to brainwashing. I’m not a big fan of indoctrination! I like choices with reasoned opinions and enlightened options. Of course, I will be biased in my teaching while trying not to be dictatorial.

There also needs to be balance in words that describe your kids’ behavior and personal characteristics. For instance, I like hope - but with action. I believe in faith - but with sincere desire. Hope puts a pilot light in your head, but action comes when you turn on the gas. Having faith, which assumes that you can’t make it happen on your own, is worthless if your faith doesn’t come from deep within your heart.

The Bible, Matthew 5:5 says, “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.” I believe the meek should have a voice, but I never really understood how they would inherit the earth. That requires some aspect of strength. Then I heard a speaker note that ‘meek’ meant something different when that word was written or translated. The meek were those who ‘had swords but kept them in their sheath,’ assuming they would never be used for gain. I can see those that have ‘strength with temperance’ as those deserving of inheriting the earth.

No, I don’t expect everyone or anyone to accept this meaning of ‘meek,’ but the point is ‘having strength alone’ is not necessarily a good thing. Having strength, using it only for good, is balancing. It makes a strong person compassionate around those without strength.

Another example of balance with words is, ‘rules with flexibility.’ I state in my book on fatherhood, “In a family, a system (a plan or an agreement) can be a set of rules, beliefs, or standards. Most of the time these are never written down, but they should be clear.”

A child doesn’t know what to expect, or what’s expected of them, without rules. But rules must never be so rigid that exceptions can’t be made. Allowing your kids to stay up late to watch an expected meteor shower is more meaningful than sticking tightly to a rule, "In bed by 9."

Flexibility balances rules. Just as:

Accountability balances compassion
Humility balances competence
Guidance balances empathy
Encouragement balances sympathy
Responsibility balances love
Conviction balances promise
Planning balances action
Courage balances vulnerability

Maybe the words I use above to balance each other don’t make sense to you, and perhaps some do. I could explain my thoughts on each, but that’s not what is essential. I hope to convince you that there is never one word that can adequately describe or define a person or situation. It may be true that I was a demanding parent who was loving to his wife and a patriotic citizen - but indeed not the whole truth. For instance, I would say was demanding yet reasonable as a parent, loving but fallible as a husband, and patriotic but not blind as a citizen.

Summary

Balance is a place you always want to be leaning towards. Take time to think. Have I been too hard on my kids lately? Am I working too much and home too little? Have I been spending more time with my youngest child than my oldest? Did I call a child bad when I meant they did a bad thing? Actions matter. Words matter. Be sure the ear is hearing what the mouth is meaning. Nature is always leaning towards balance. In human nature, balance must more often be created.

Life is about balance. Be kind, but don't let people abuse you. Trust, but don't be deceived. Be content, but never stop improving yourself.
Nishan Panwar

Be precise in your speech.
Jordan B. Petersen

Why I Write About Fatherhood

11/5/2018

Like most people, my life can be described in stages. The first stage was chaos. The second stage was escaping chaos. The third stage was raising my family hoping I was successful in the second stage. Now I'm in the fourth stage, trying to give back using what I have learned through the first three stages.

My retired adult life, the fourth stage, has given me the time to reflect on my life and the lives of my siblings living with and without a severe alcoholic. A man who, when he was sober, was charming, fascinating, and well-liked. But when he drank he was slovenly, reckless, and often a near-monster. Since he was under the influence of alcohol in varying degrees 90% of the time he was with us, my family was happier and less tense when he was missing, which was most of the time. Where he was, we seldom knew. He would show up for a period of time and disappear again. I loved him because of the amazing person I saw in him when sober. But I despised that he never took care of his family.

The things I learned from my father were through the lens of contradiction. In other words, I didn’t want to be like his drunken self. My three brothers, two sisters and I reacted in different ways to the rough lifestyle of being raised by a kind, loving, but uneducated mother. We had little or no money. We moved two to four times a year for an inability to pay rent. Only one of us graduated from high school while truancy, alcohol, minor scrapes with the law, and pregnancy were issues my mother could not keep up with as she worked as a waitress to support us all.

While I had and still have introversion and self-confidence issues, I was able to break out of that chaotic and depressing environment and became relatively successful in my career and family life. My three children are all loving people and have great careers. Upon seeing how I lived as a child and how my children were raised to succeed, I decided to write down my thoughts on being a father, intended for my extended family, many of whom are still struggling. I spent many years writing on and researching this topic to the point I decided maybe this can be a book to share with all fathers. To my surprise, I found a wonderful family-friendly publisher (Familius LLC) who published “The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs.”

The Message

My book and blog articles discuss the challenges and joys of fatherhood. I know that without a father’s guidance, a boy may have either no confidence or the wrong kind of confidence. He may not know how to treat or interact with the opposite sex. He may withdraw from social situations or throw himself into the wrong social situations. He may not learn what it means to be a man or how to act like one properly. He may be rebellious, lacking the stern eye of a father. He may just be lonely for man to look up to. Of course, there is the strong possibility that he will not have most of these issues - but it is not likely he will be free from all.

Without a father’s guidance, a girl may not feel she is safe from harm, lacking the protection available from her father. She may not know how she should be treated by men, and lack confidence in herself when around men or boys. She is much more likely to become pregnant in her teens and to be abandoned by the father of her child. She may have a hole in her heart that cannot be filled. It would be doubtful that any young girl could avoid all the downfalls of a missing father.

I know these things not just by research, but by seeing them first hand. While a mother has parenting instincts greater than most fathers, fathers fill significant roles in the lives of their children. As a child, simply having two people who love you unconditionally, two people that see life in different ways, who teach you different things, who also love the people you love, and care for you in their own way is not only a gift, but something all children need to have the balance necessary in their lives.

Of the six children born to my father and mother, we are faring well for the most part, but not entirely- and certainly our children and their children have taken many paths, some good, some still in a cycle of dysfunction. My mother had such a difficult life, but now she lives in relative calmness still worrying about her family, but the worries are much less immediate. Never did my father have a roof over his head that he paid for himself, save a few short months here and there. He lived on the high seas as a merchant marine, in the homes of friends and relatives who would temporarily put up with him, under bridges, in shelters, you name it. My father passed away in 1997 of cirrhosis of the liver – alcohol literally killed him, but his toughness kept him alive to the age of 73.

To put the value of fatherhood into the simplest form I can think of, a simple symbol of connection and caring between a man and his son, I say this. I regret, even today as a grandfather, never having played catch with my dad. That’s not a call for sympathy; it’s a call for action!

Summary

If any dad out there thinks he is unappreciated, unimportant, not relevant, or even in shame, or full of guilt regarding his parenting, or he just wants to be the best dad possible, he should read my book. If nothing else, it will make you think, and no doubt you can relate to the challenges or learn something to help you in your role as a father. Your children are the most important result of your life! Help them - don’t hold them back!

One last thought: When the children of our families are taken care of and nurtured, then the children of our society will contribute to it's betterment, and not take away from it.

Who Wants To Be a Victim?

10/29/2018

“I was victimized, but I am NOT a victim.”
~ Edith Eva Eger, author, Holocaust Survivor

Victim (n) – an unfortunate person who suffers from some adverse circumstance.

Is there anyone, anywhere who has never been victimized in some manner? I don’t think so. Even Jesus was victimized! If anyone could claim to be a victim, it would be Holocaust survivor Edith Eva Eger. But she never wanted to wear that title. She didn’t want to continue suffering. On the other hand, there are those that claim to be victims at the slightest hint of perceived mistreatment or misfortune.

We can all claim to be victims of various degrees of ‘adverse circumstances.’ It could be mean people, the weather, inflation, crime, bad eyesight, terrible bosses, cheaters, liars, dull brains, lack of talent, plantar fasciitis, headaches, political ads and so much more. I consider myself a minor expert in victimhood. I lived for years wrapped in the warm blanket of victimhood where I could be comforted with excuses for my plight. If anyone felt sorrow for me, that was validation I thought I deserved. It allowed me to be less than I was because I had an excuse. I was that ‘unfortunate person who suffered from an adverse circumstance.’ I came alive when I stopped thinking that way!

Certainly, there are degrees of victimhood. I’d rather be a victim of acne than a victim of a violent crime. The tougher the adversity, the tougher it will be to overcome. There is no doubt about this! Yet there are those who have been victimized by the worst human cruelties, like Ms. Eger. that have fought through it to lead healthy productive lives. Conversely, victims of comparatively trivial matters, such as being passed up for a promotion or feeling unappreciated, become embittered, angry and lose focus.

As I watch the World Series, some batters are victims of bad strike calls. This also happens to pitchers when strikes are called balls. Often players complain, but they must refocus and put the play behind them to be ready for the next pitch. If not, they will fail to succeed in baseball.

Your identity as a victim is best left behind the moment you can’t undo it. If not, the victimization will continue. All the hurt, sorrow, and anger of being a victim of something you define as awful or unfair can be avoided with the consciousness of what you are doing to yourself. This realization is not automatic. It needs to be learned or identified. Pointing out how being a victim will be nonproductive to your children will help them now and in the future.

Children Love to Claim Victimhood

Children love to be victims, and we need to train that out of them. “Jimmy got a bigger piece of cake.” “My teacher is mean to me.” “I never get to go first.” We hear things like this all the time from our children. A good question to them would be, “Well, what do you think you should do about it?” It places responsibility on them. The answer could be interesting, but helpful to your lesson or point.

They need to see that each complaint is trivial compared to what could be the alternative. A slightly smaller piece of cake is better than no cake at all. A teacher that is mean is more likely a teacher that cares for your future. Remind them that always going second is worse than never going at all.

When children become adults, they won’t have the privilege of not being victimized. It happens without their permission and usually without notification. It will do them well to understand that every good break and every bit of bad luck comes with a responsibility. For instance, if you were born with a gift of intelligence, you have an implied obligation to use your gift to do something for yourself and/or others. If you were born with a disability of some sort, you are then tasked to work around it the best way you can. We have a choice to either accept or refuse our responsibilities.

Summary

While victimization is real, victimhood is a choice. Victimhood is not accepting the responsibility to adjust, adapt, or react as quickly as possible to the new reality. That will always be the best antidote. It’s a harsh lesson to teach responsibility in the face of victimhood. It may seem counter-intuitive, but that is how you move on. Dads (Moms too) are usually excellent at teaching self-responsibility. Self-responsibility is the most reliable remedy to victimization, a counter to stress, and the best source of success

Note: When you don’t take advantage of a gift, you become a victim of yourself.

For more discussion on raising kids or being a father, read my book, "The Power of Dadhood"