“I was victimized, but I am NOT a victim.”
~ Edith Eva Eger, author, Holocaust Survivor
Victim (n) – an unfortunate person who suffers from some adverse circumstance.
Is there anyone, anywhere who has never been victimized in some manner? I don’t think so. Even Jesus was victimized! If anyone could claim to be a victim, it would be Holocaust survivor Edith Eva Eger. But she never wanted to wear that title. She didn’t want to continue suffering. On the other hand, there are those that claim to be victims at the slightest hint of perceived mistreatment or misfortune.
We can all claim to be victims of various degrees of ‘adverse circumstances.’ It could be mean people, the weather, inflation, crime, bad eyesight, terrible bosses, cheaters, liars, dull brains, lack of talent, plantar fasciitis, headaches, political ads and so much more. I consider myself a minor expert in victimhood. I lived for years wrapped in the warm blanket of victimhood where I could be comforted with excuses for my plight. If anyone felt sorrow for me, that was validation I thought I deserved. It allowed me to be less than I was because I had an excuse. I was that ‘unfortunate person who suffered from an adverse circumstance.’ I came alive when I stopped thinking that way!
Certainly, there are degrees of victimhood. I’d rather be a victim of acne than a victim of a violent crime. The tougher the adversity, the tougher it will be to overcome. There is no doubt about this! Yet there are those who have been victimized by the worst human cruelties, like Ms. Eger. that have fought through it to lead healthy productive lives. Conversely, victims of comparatively trivial matters, such as being passed up for a promotion or feeling unappreciated, become embittered, angry and lose focus.
As I watch the World Series, some batters are victims of bad strike calls. This also happens to pitchers when strikes are called balls. Often players complain, but they must refocus and put the play behind them to be ready for the next pitch. If not, they will fail to succeed in baseball.
Your identity as a victim is best left behind the moment you can’t undo it. If not, the victimization will continue. All the hurt, sorrow, and anger of being a victim of something you define as awful or unfair can be avoided with the consciousness of what you are doing to yourself. This realization is not automatic. It needs to be learned or identified. Pointing out how being a victim will be nonproductive to your children will help them now and in the future.
Children Love to Claim Victimhood
Children love to be victims, and we need to train that out of them. “Jimmy got a bigger piece of cake.” “My teacher is mean to me.” “I never get to go first.” We hear things like this all the time from our children. A good question to them would be, “Well, what do you think you should do about it?” It places responsibility on them. The answer could be interesting, but helpful to your lesson or point.
They need to see that each complaint is trivial compared to what could be the alternative. A slightly smaller piece of cake is better than no cake at all. A teacher that is mean is more likely a teacher that cares for your future. Remind them that always going second is worse than never going at all.
When children become adults, they won’t have the privilege of not being victimized. It happens without their permission and usually without notification. It will do them well to understand that every good break and every bit of bad luck comes with a responsibility. For instance, if you were born with a gift of intelligence, you have an implied obligation to use your gift to do something for yourself and/or others. If you were born with a disability of some sort, you are then tasked to work around it the best way you can. We have a choice to either accept or refuse our responsibilities.
Summary
While victimization is real, victimhood is a choice. Victimhood is not accepting the responsibility to adjust, adapt, or react as quickly as possible to the new reality. That will always be the best antidote. It’s a harsh lesson to teach responsibility in the face of victimhood. It may seem counter-intuitive, but that is how you move on. Dads (Moms too) are usually excellent at teaching self-responsibility. Self-responsibility is the most reliable remedy to victimization, a counter to stress, and the best source of success
Note: When you don’t take advantage of a gift, you become a victim of yourself.
For more discussion on raising kids or being a father, read my book, "The Power of Dadhood"
~ Edith Eva Eger, author, Holocaust Survivor
Victim (n) – an unfortunate person who suffers from some adverse circumstance.
Is there anyone, anywhere who has never been victimized in some manner? I don’t think so. Even Jesus was victimized! If anyone could claim to be a victim, it would be Holocaust survivor Edith Eva Eger. But she never wanted to wear that title. She didn’t want to continue suffering. On the other hand, there are those that claim to be victims at the slightest hint of perceived mistreatment or misfortune.
We can all claim to be victims of various degrees of ‘adverse circumstances.’ It could be mean people, the weather, inflation, crime, bad eyesight, terrible bosses, cheaters, liars, dull brains, lack of talent, plantar fasciitis, headaches, political ads and so much more. I consider myself a minor expert in victimhood. I lived for years wrapped in the warm blanket of victimhood where I could be comforted with excuses for my plight. If anyone felt sorrow for me, that was validation I thought I deserved. It allowed me to be less than I was because I had an excuse. I was that ‘unfortunate person who suffered from an adverse circumstance.’ I came alive when I stopped thinking that way!
Certainly, there are degrees of victimhood. I’d rather be a victim of acne than a victim of a violent crime. The tougher the adversity, the tougher it will be to overcome. There is no doubt about this! Yet there are those who have been victimized by the worst human cruelties, like Ms. Eger. that have fought through it to lead healthy productive lives. Conversely, victims of comparatively trivial matters, such as being passed up for a promotion or feeling unappreciated, become embittered, angry and lose focus.
As I watch the World Series, some batters are victims of bad strike calls. This also happens to pitchers when strikes are called balls. Often players complain, but they must refocus and put the play behind them to be ready for the next pitch. If not, they will fail to succeed in baseball.
Your identity as a victim is best left behind the moment you can’t undo it. If not, the victimization will continue. All the hurt, sorrow, and anger of being a victim of something you define as awful or unfair can be avoided with the consciousness of what you are doing to yourself. This realization is not automatic. It needs to be learned or identified. Pointing out how being a victim will be nonproductive to your children will help them now and in the future.
Children Love to Claim Victimhood
Children love to be victims, and we need to train that out of them. “Jimmy got a bigger piece of cake.” “My teacher is mean to me.” “I never get to go first.” We hear things like this all the time from our children. A good question to them would be, “Well, what do you think you should do about it?” It places responsibility on them. The answer could be interesting, but helpful to your lesson or point.
They need to see that each complaint is trivial compared to what could be the alternative. A slightly smaller piece of cake is better than no cake at all. A teacher that is mean is more likely a teacher that cares for your future. Remind them that always going second is worse than never going at all.
When children become adults, they won’t have the privilege of not being victimized. It happens without their permission and usually without notification. It will do them well to understand that every good break and every bit of bad luck comes with a responsibility. For instance, if you were born with a gift of intelligence, you have an implied obligation to use your gift to do something for yourself and/or others. If you were born with a disability of some sort, you are then tasked to work around it the best way you can. We have a choice to either accept or refuse our responsibilities.
Summary
While victimization is real, victimhood is a choice. Victimhood is not accepting the responsibility to adjust, adapt, or react as quickly as possible to the new reality. That will always be the best antidote. It’s a harsh lesson to teach responsibility in the face of victimhood. It may seem counter-intuitive, but that is how you move on. Dads (Moms too) are usually excellent at teaching self-responsibility. Self-responsibility is the most reliable remedy to victimization, a counter to stress, and the best source of success
Note: When you don’t take advantage of a gift, you become a victim of yourself.
For more discussion on raising kids or being a father, read my book, "The Power of Dadhood"
