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Protesting and/or Disrespecting – There is a Difference

9/28/2017

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PictureA young Marine who died serving his country.
I’m a father, grandfather, and a military veteran. I was very dismayed by the kneeling of NFL players during the National Anthem. I also don’t think the President should have brought up the topic in the way he did. His words made things worse! But I do agree with his sentiment.

​Our kids need to know the difference between protesting and disrespect. They can protest by not eating broccoli, but they should never disrespect their mother and/or father by telling them they are terrible parents for serving it.

Protesting is a right. Disrespecting is a choice made through hate. I think the most effective protests do not involve disrespecting. It seems some people don’t know the difference between protesting and disrespecting. Or maybe they do.
  • To protest is to express an objection or disapproval. A right everyone should have.
  • Respect, by one definition, is to hold something or someone in esteem or honor e.g. your country or parents.
  • Disrespect is showing discourtesy, rudeness towards something or someone.

Protest

When, in someone’s mind, an injustice has taken place, it is the right of a citizen to protest. In the US this is one of the stalwarts of our democracy. Whether or not you are correct in your view of the facts or the particulars of the potential injustice does not matter. Your protest raises the visibility of your objections and the particular society involved will be, in large, convinced or not. Protests and the right to be heard (free speech) is what made the US such a strong country and a force in the world.

We all protest something or other. Usually it is in quiet conversations with friends or acquaintances. We can protest through voting or boycotting. Other times a protest is organized with speeches, marches, and/or signs. These types of communications are all good. Sometimes a protest will get our attention and we join in. Other times a protest will make us angry because we disagree with the protester or believe the facts are being misconstrued. Nothing wrong with either reaction as long as we are respectful.

Disrespect

Now let’s discuss disrespect. Most of us hold certain things and ideals with respect. Of course, one of those is the right to protest. Others include respect for the right to privacy, the right to vote, the pursuit of happiness, and to be treated with respect. Too often with protests disrespect creeps in - and sometimes storms in, belittling the protest and what it stands for.

Common protests these days are about 1) police shootings and, 2) preventing someone’s right to speak about something with which you may disagree. In the first scenario, protests resulting from police shootings are an understandable protest when one thinks an injustice has taken place. But when violence and/or vandalism takes place, it is no longer a protest but an act of disrespect for the law and the private property of people and businesses.

In the second scenario, demonstrations like those at U.C. Berkeley, attempting and sometimes succeeding in preventing someone from speaking is disrespect for our First Amendment. These type of demonstrations at UC Berkeley are not a protest, it is a civil disturbance. To show your displeasure with ideas is fair and your First Amendment right. Preventing those with alternative views from speaking - at all - is not a protest, it is disrespect in the highest order of our democratic way of life.

NFL ‘Protests’?

This brings me to the NFL and why the actions of their players, by kneeling or sitting during our National Anthem, is disrespectful and not simply an act of protest.

First of all, when NFL players kneel in their team uniform, they are doing so using a platform they don’t own. If a team owner supports a certain protest and every team member agrees in that protest, then they can protest in that uniform. Otherwise, they do not have the right to drag the team’s uniform into it. They are disrespecting the team ownership and the fans who do not agree with them. When Jerry Jones kneeled with his team, he owned the act, he gave his permission to his players as their boss. Another owner may not appreciate his logo being used to give weight to their opinions.

Secondly, the Flag and National Anthem. When is kneeling during the National Anthem a protest and when is it a show of disrespect? The US Flag and National Anthem represent the totality of the United States of America, both its’ glories and its’ warts. If you demonstrate by not honoring the US Flag, you are generalizing and saying the totality of the US is at fault and/or immoral. And by logical extension, you are also disrespecting all those who sacrificed life and limb to support it. Protest a specific flaw, but don’t vilify the entire history of America. If you truly believe the US is utterly flawed, not valuing the life you have ‘earned’, and sometimes been given, then it is truly is a protest against the American way of life. But you have made a serious charge that I don’t think most intend to make.

We know that early settlers took away lands belonging to Native American Indian nations. We know slavery existed for many years and was evil. We know women were not allowed to vote until the 1900’s. Yet, the US overcame these and other things because of the nature of our people under this constitution.  Our early mistreatment of Native Indians is a flaw that remains. But this behavior is not unique to America. It started in the annals of the Old Testament. Eventually, slavery became unlawful, women rightly got to vote, and desegregation was ended by the citizens – because of the principles of our country. The US also helped Europe defeat the Nazis of Germany, helped stop the slaughter of Chinese by Imperial Japan, and provides more disaster and humanitarian relief to other countries in need than all the other countries combined.

Yes, the US is a flawed nation among all other flawed nations. In my mind, it is the least flawed nation.  The US Flag represents the totality of our nation and to disrespect it is like disowning your little daughter because she bit her brother. She has a flaw in her behavior but you don’t give up on her.

Summary

Understand that ISIS, and individuals in countries that don’t respect the US, can burn our flag without being hypocritical.  They are expressing an objection or disapproval, i.e. protesting, to the totality of our way of life. But to accept our way of life, yet use the National Anthem as a place to demonstrate your unhappiness of a specific incident or incidents, is very disrespectful and hypocritical. 

Protesting is a right that is honorable when done with respect for others and their opinions.  I repeat, to denigrate the flag or National Anthem for a specific grievance ignores every positive aspect, privilege, and opportunity of being an American. If you appreciate the freedoms and rights you have as an American, and honor those who fought and died for these ideals, then kneeling for the National Anthem is thoroughly and embarrassingly disrespectful. 



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Are Women More Interested in Fatherhood than Men?

9/18/2017

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If you think about it, we wouldn’t need males and females if we didn’t need to parent. We need both, not just to procreate but to nurture. We are different by necessity and that is a good thing! But we also have similarities. There are men who like to crochet. There are women who are fanatical football fans. Some men like fancy drinks with umbrellas (me) and some women like shots of whiskey. But generally speaking, male and female characteristics and interests are different and usually predictable. This is true of how men and women approach parenting. 

I have found over the past four years that women are more interested in the topic of fatherhood than men by about two to one. This hasn’t surprised me at all. I knew when I wrote “The Power of Dadhood” that it would be a tough sell. Men don’t read as much as women and a parenting book is far down the list of those men who do read regularly, just below books on hygiene.

How do I know this as a fact? I have written over 300 posts on my blog (Helping Fathers to be Dads). The last couple of years I usually buy a small amount of advertising to get wider, targeted, distribution on Facebook. In fact, most of you who are reading this is likely due to my sponsorship. While this doesn’t make any fiscal sense (in selling books), it does allow me reach more people in my mission to help children and families.

Note: It is my contention, and I write about it often, that we cannot stop crime just by hiring more police. We can’t rid the inner city of poverty just by giving people opportunities. We can’t stop teen pregnancy just by providing birth control. We can’t educate kids when they have no incentive to learn. Each of these issues can never be solved without strong families. One key ingredient in a strong family is a present, nurturing father.

After a post has been sponsored on Facebook, they provide some basic statistics on the age, sex, and even the country of the readers (my book is available in a few other countries). Every post I have sponsored has had more female readers. Most posts average 65% female readership and one post had 95% female readership vs males. Additionally, almost all comments and ‘likes’ were by women.

Now, I admit that it is likely that females have more Facebook accounts. It is also possible that my boyish yet grandfatherly looks, gentle heart, and clever turn of a phrase attacks female readers (LOL!). But there is little doubt that women are generally more active in parenting research and general interest. I’m not saying women are better parents, but they definitely have more interest in the topic. However, both styles, maternal and paternal, are necessary for balanced parenting and contribute enormously to the growth of a child!

With that said, I guess I depend on you grandmothers (wink), moms, sisters, aunts, wives, friends to introduce the young dads, older dads, expecting dads and wannabe dads to the notion of becoming the best dads they could ever be. Playing it (parenting) by ear can get you through, but why not be awesome?
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What Makes the Impossible, Impossible? Lighting the Fire Within

9/11/2017

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Picturemichaelbyronsmith.com
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can't—you're right.” Henry Ford

What is possible for some is impossible for others. For example, it is impossible for me to give birth to a child because I am a man. But it is possible for women. For some people, it’s impossible for them to roll their tongue. I’m doing it as I write this. The Bible says with prayer and belief you can move mountains (Mark 11:23-24). I’m not sure if the Bible means this literally or not, but moving Mt. Everest would take untold generations of tremendous effort. Then there is the Great Wall of China, which one could say was a feat something like moving a mountain.

Some things are labeled impossible when the effort is beyond reasonable comprehension or technology is not yet advanced quite enough. However, worldly impossibilities become less every day - but I’m not really speaking about them. I’m thinking about those things we choose to see as impossible. We often see them as impossible because of human weaknesses such as ignorance, fear, or satisfaction.

Impossible is another word for ignorance

“Ignorance is the curse of God; knowledge is the wing wherewith we fly to heaven.” William Shakespeare

“I could never be a doctor,” said the very shy girl. “I could never get into Yale”, thought the boy in the ghetto. “I will never get a promotion”, moaned the young man of indifferent parents. “I could never be a pilot”, said the boy without a father. “I could never take care of a child”, was the belief of a young girl with little confidence. Words like these are spoken every day by those who are ignorant of the possibilities and their potential. Their ignorance comes from environments that are unsupportive and/or personalities that need some guidance. And sadly, very few ever break through the lack of belief to succeed. They need mentors. They need encouragement. And they need a chance.

Impossible is another word for fear

“If you want to conquer fear, don’t sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy!” Dale Carnegie

Many things are impossible when fear gets in the way. Fear of injury, fear of failure, fear of criticism, and fear caused by phobias, all are real barriers to expanding one’s world, and in some instances, living a normal life. It is literally impossible for some people to fly in an airplane, hold a snake, or even leave their home. But most impossibilities for people are not as obvious because they hold their secret fears close, not wanting to admit them, but suffering because of them. Similar to those who are held back by ignorance, people with fears -- particularly children, need mentors, encouragement, and a chance to face their fears with the help of a guiding hand.

Impossible is another word for satisfied

“Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?” Bob Marley

The examples above are unfortunate because circumstances impact their potential and their belief in themselves. There are, however, those who may have a level of self-confidence and lack fear, but still face false impossibilities. Some things are truly impossible for people who are satisfied with their status quo or just plain lazy. They may have the talent to be a doctor, go to Yale, get multiple promotions, or be a pilot or a parent, and fear may not be a real factor; but they don’t have the desire to do these or other challenging things. True growth is absolutely impossible without desire and interest.

There is nothing inherently wrong with being satisfied with yourself, but it does play havoc with motivation and advancement.
  • If you’re satisfied with your job, you’re not likely to look for a better situation.
  • If you’re satisfied with your studying, you may not get a top score on a test.
  • If you’re satisfied with mediocrity, you’ll get mediocrity. Mediocrity is very possible!

Having a child who lacks desire, vision or motivation may be tougher to correct than a child who lacks confidence. Creating desire in a child is more difficult than instilling self-confidence or providing encouragement because encouraging anyone to do something in which they are not interested is usually a waste of your time.

Conquering your child’s self-satisfaction before they have earned the right

Being satisfied with ones-self has good and not so good consequences. The good is being at peace. The not-so-good is a life with few rewards. Young people, especially your children, first need to work and find new adventures and rewards; and the satisfaction that comes later will be truly peaceful and good. So, how to light a fire?

Look for an interest or passion that has potential.
  • What motivates my child?
  • What questions can I ask that will help him discover and explore his interests?
  •  Show interests in their interests, even if they are not interesting to you.
  • Don’t discourage them for anything that is harmless, even if you think it is a waste of time.
  • Don’t show frustration or your voice may not be heard in the future.
  • Ask questions without nagging.

Try different experiences to inspire them
  • Trips to libraries, museums, national parks, etc. may bring groans, but also a possible exposure to a new interest.
  • Meeting new people with passions may help. Seeing excitement in someone else could be something they would like for themselves.
  • Push reading, big time! But something like “Harry Potter” will work better than “Of Human Bondage” because an early bad reading experience (disinterest and boredom) may cheat them from a lifetime of enjoyment.
Lastly, there have been quite a few late bloomers in life. The man whose quote starts this article is one of them. Henry Ford found his success in his forties, when forty was old. With knowledge and exposure there is a fuel that could be ignited at any time.

Summary

Anytime you hear the word impossible, immediately start asking yourself why. If the impossible task is important to you, don’t think “Impossible!” -- Think “Impossible?” Take it from me, I’ve already logged in my personal, unwritten diary about five impossible dreams that came to pass. One thing I know for sure – almost anything is impossible until you believe you can do it. Just open your eyes to the possibilities, lose the fear, and get help even if it is self-help through reading. Never be satisfied and poof – you’ve done the impossible! I guess Mark was right about our moving our personal mountains!


​#powerofdadhood

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​41 Useful Thoughts for Parents, Kids, and Other Humans

9/4/2017

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You’ve seen lists before. Let me explain where my list comes from. I reviewed my book, “The Power of Dadhood” to pick up some of the lessons meant for fathers to pass on to their kids, and the list below is what came out of it. This list looks deeper into some truths of life.

The problem with lists is they don’t get into the details. Sometimes they are self-explanatory. Other times you say to yourself, “I don’t think I agree with that”.  Maybe you don’t, which is okay, but maybe a short sentence or two doesn’t get the point across correctly to everyone.

With that said, here is a shortcut (versus reading my book) of some of my thoughts, intended mostly for parents to live and teach -- but useful thoughts for anyone to consider. Notice that those things under “It’s not” aren’t really bad, but there is usually something deeper that is better. Of course, my book goes into more detail because our kids and we, ourselves, deserve to understand these simple truths. Who better to teach them than mom or dad?
 
It’s Not This, It’s That*
  1. It’s not the act that is important. It’s what’s behind the act.
  2. It’s not how much you are around physically. It’s how much you are around mentally.
  3. It’s not how much money you have. It’s how you manage it.
  4. It’s not how much you hear. It’s how much you listen.
  5. It’s not how much you give. It’s how much it hurts to give.
  6. It’s not what you do for others in public. It’s what you do for them in private.
  7. It’s not what you know. It’s what you do with the knowledge.
  8. It’s not your presents that counts. It’s your presence.
  9. It’s not how many friends you have. It’s how many friends you can count on.
  10. It’s not what you do. It’s what you do well with grace.
  11. It’s not how good you look. It’s how good you feel.
  12. It’s not what you fear. It’s how you face it.
  13. It’s not how smart you are. It’s how wise you are.
  14. It’s not what you promise. It’s what you do.
  15. It’s not your rules that bring order. It’s your consistency.
  16. It’s not what you teach. It’s the example you set.
  17. It’s not what you want. It’s what you work towards.
  18. It’s not things or people that make you happy. It’s your attitude and gratitude.
  19. It’s not failure that breaks you. It’s your lack of persistence.
  20. It’s not your effort alone that brings success. It’s your effort and a solid plan.
  21. It’s not your talents that shape you. It’s your challenges.
  22. It’s not how much you love. It’s how much you show your love.
  23. It’s not punishment that corrects behavior. It’s understanding and communication.
  24. It’s not to be loved you want. It’s to be loved with respect.
  25. It’s not how hard you work. It’s how smart you work hard.
  26. It’s not what you want for others. It what others want that you help them to achieve.
  27. It’s not facts that are most important in learning. It’s how to think creatively.
  28. It’s not the opinions of others that should sway you. It’s your own analysis that counts.
  29. It’s not your accomplishments that impress others. It’s your humility.
  30. It’s not what you do for your children that helps them. It’s what you teach them to do for themselves.
  31. It’s not the time you spend with your children. It’s what you do within that time.
  32. It’s not consequences that are bad. It’s not having consequences.
  33. It’s not your successes that define you. It’s your kindness, discipline, and values.
  34. It’s not mistakes that are the issue. It’s not learning from them.
  35. It’s not rewards that keeps one going. It’s passion.
  36. It’s not fear that holds one back. It’s not facing the fear.
  37. It’s not what you learn from education. It’s where you take it from there.
  38. It’s not that you can be anything you want. It’s doing those things under your control to be what you want.
  39. It’s not others that can hold you back. It’s your own self-doubt.
  40. It’s not what you can do. It’s what you intend to do that counts.
  41. It’s not a village that can best raise a child. It’s having two loving and nurturing parents.

*  Not from my feeble brain, but from much research. 
Notice those (around 25%) that are mostly directed at parents.

Search #powerofdadhood on Facebook.
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​And the Rooster Crowed

8/28/2017

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Full eclipse, Bailey's Beads, Diamond Ring - photos by Michael Byron Smith
PictureSolar Eclipse Viewing Party
My last post was an appeal to not miss the total eclipse if at all possible, especially if you had children or grandchildren with whom to experience it. I hope you had the opportunity and enjoyed it.

We own a farmhouse about 40 miles west of St. Louis, right in the path of the August 21st, 2017 Total Eclipse. Family and a few friends gathered hoping against hope that clouds would stay away. If so, we had a perfect location to witness what is generally considered a once-in-a-lifetime event.

My son-in-law, Mike, is a fanatic about all things scientific. I think he is a literal genius who will always have an answer to any question I ask whether it is biology, botany, astronomy, plumbing, – you name it! To Mike, this was the Super Bowl, World Series, and World Cup wrapped up in two celestial objects. As I suggested in my previous post (although he would have done it anyway), Mike took his oldest daughter out of school to watch, learn, and bond as a family – to share something very unique. To the chagrin of his two daughters, who wanted to stay with the rest of the family, he was ready to jump in the car the first sign clouds may be a problem and use his weather app to find clear skies. Fortunately, the clouds cooperated and they all enjoyed it with the rest of us.

My son, Michael, operated a drone during the full eclipse, concentrating on the horizon and the earth and not the moon covering the sun. My daughter, April, passed out Oreo eclipse cookies as the moment approached as my other daughter, Rachel, took photos of everyone looking skyward with their ISO certified eclipse glasses.

Being an amateur photographer, I had my tripod set up to capture the event on my DSLR memory card. I avoided photographing the partial eclipse - not having a proper filter - to concentrate on the aura of the full eclipse and possibly catch ‘Bailey’s beads’ and the ‘diamond ring’.

The kids were fascinated with the half-moon shadows using colanders or shoe box viewers. But, of course, only our eight-year-old granddaughter knew what was going on. Nevertheless, the younger three had fun, like our three-year-old granddaughter wanting to be pushed on the swing with only five minutes to go to a total eclipse, or our four-year-old grandson looking to ride his toy motorized tractor. Then the sun disappeared and instead of getting quiet, voices were shouting “wow”, “this is incredible”, “amazing”, “awesome”, “ooh”, “ahhh”!

While the eclipse was truly amazing, here’s what didn’t happen. We missed the shadow bands or they didn’t happen. It was eerily dark, but not as dark as expected. And because it was a very humid day, the dip in the temperature was noticeable, but not the 10-15 degree dip we were expecting. However, the view in the sky was spectacular, the timing exact to the split second, and a realization of the power and vastness of the universe was real! Nature is not always predictable, but when it involves celestial objects, there is nothing more dependable. Nothing! Rachel remarked it was 100 times more awesome than she thought it would be.

Later, when viewing the drone video of the eclipse, we saw a car ambling down the road during the peak of the total eclipse. I wondered, why would they be driving at this moment? Where were they going? Surely, they heard about the eclipse. Did they forget about it? Were they freaking out if they were unaware? If it was an emergency, they were not in a hurry. But for whatever reason they were driving, the fact that their headlights came on at 1:16 PM CST on an otherwise very sunny day was a defining point in the video. Because being in a sparsely populated area without many lights, that car’s headlights symbolized the eclipse had taken over – for two minutes and eight seconds in Augusta, MO. Nature’s cycle was on schedule as it always is. But the celestial cycle we on earth are so used to, even the animals, was chillingly interrupted.
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The drone’s camera adjusted for the dimmer lighting but those headlights told the story. In the middle of the day, those headlights shone and the neighbor’s rooster crowed. A neighbor’s rooster that may have been confused, but who did what roosters are supposed to do when the light breaks. It was quite something! The sights and sounds of a total eclipse; and the making of forever memories fused from one fleeting moment!

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Really something to crow about!
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​Dads, Moms, Read This Before It’s Too Late! (RE: ECLIPSE!)

8/18/2017

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Monday, August 21, 2017 a full eclipse will travel the United States from the Northwest to the Southeast. From all the accounts I have read, this experience can be life changing! If you are within driving distance of this 100-mile band of the total eclipse, pack your car, take the kids out of school, bring you solar eye-glasses and head for a location where special memories can be made.

This is not like the kind of memories you create from a vacation, or from reading books to your kids, or going away from the city as a family and looking at the Milky Way. While those are wonderful things to do together, they lack two important factors.

1) You will likely NEVER have an opportunity like this in your lifetime, not even theirs! You can’t plan it. You can’t create it. You can’t explain it, meaning an explanation cannot match the experience.

2) The experience itself is far more significant than almost any other event you will experience as a family, outside of marriage or a birth.

Don’t even think of going to work and letting your kids go to school. To think you will go outside, check it out, then go back to work is belittling the event. This is the power of the universe being exposed to you in a way that you are not accustomed. To allow your kids to have memories of it with classmates instead of with loved ones is really unconscionable to me. What lesson will they learn that will not be better taught through you?

Some things to look for:
  • The shadow of the moon racing in at 1600 mph.
  • A 360-degree sunset (as if the sun had set 30 minutes prior) during the full eclipse.
  • Just before and just after the full eclipse could be wavy shadows called shadow bands on the ground (use a white sheet to see). Or beads may appear around the edges of the moon caused by the moon’s mountains.
  • It will get dark, dark as the night of a full moon, enabling you to see Venus. And cooler, maybe 10 – 15 degrees cooler during the total eclipse.
  • Animals may act strangely, thinking night time has come way too fast.

If you are already in or very near ‘the path of totality’, don’t tell me your job requires you to be there unless you are with Public Safety or an Obstetrician. If you don’t really care about this event, then I question either your knowledge of it, or wonder about your sense of values or being alive.

In Summary

Chances to see a historic natural occurrence are rare! Opportunities to create unforgettable memories with family, especially children, are precious. Kids will remember how their parents reacted to do whatever it took for them all their children to see something special!

Do it! And protect your eyes and your children’s eyes. See videos below!!
  1. How to build a solar eclipse viewer:
  2. A great video to learn about the eclipse with a great App suggestion
 
Mike Smith
“Helping Fathers to be Dads”

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The Most Precious Thing in the World

8/14/2017

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What is the most precious thing in the world? To be more specific, what is the most precious thing in the world to you? Think about it and many things may run through your mind. But what is it that keeps running laps in your head, coming back over and over with every other precious thing you can recall?

There are so many precious gifts we wish for, such as peace on earth or peace of mind. But most of what we truly need, we already have. Is time the most precious thing? If so, why do we waste so much of it? Is air the most precious thing? It doesn’t seem so in India, or China where they often have to wear masks to breathe safely. Is water the most precious thing? It may be in Ethiopia or the Sahara, but where it is plentiful, we take it for granted. Food is certainly precious, but only recognized as so by those that have little of it.

Is your life the most precious thing? If so, why do we squander so much of it? Rest, vacations, meditation, hobbies? No, these are good things. By squander, I mean to live without a purpose, a plan, or a goal.

How about health? That surely is a precious thing to have! There are a few people that work very hard to exercise and eat right. On the other hand, advanced societies are becoming more obese every year. Clearly, health may be precious, but using time in other ways than exercise is common, and eating what we like is often favored over eating what is good for us.

Other precious things include gratitude, learning, creating, religion, freedom, or love.

Maybe we can measure what is precious by what we spend the most of our time doing. If you work sixty hours a week is that because you like your job, want more money versus time at home, or are just surviving? It could be any of these or all three. Let’s then say what you do in your free, or discretionary, time will give us an idea of what is precious. But time in itself won’t do this because two hours of reading may be more precious than three hours required of gardening,

By this time, I’m wondering how many of you have a precious thing still running in your mind that I have yet to mention. No, I’m not guessing money. Money can be precious, but money is nothing but a tool, a symbol. Money can’t buy some of the most precious things in the world. Money can actually allow you to forget the more precious things in your life by making them more accessible, but not less important. Maybe love comes close, which I mentioned in passing, because you can’t buy love, not real love.

My Thoughts

I’ll tell you what I think is the most precious thing in the world. It encompasses gratitude, love, learning, and creativity. I pray for health, time, peace, money and freedom for this precious thing of mine. It’s family!

Families are not always harmonious, especially within. Personalities and jealousies can cause flare up. But when the chips are down, families will most likely count on each other before anyone else. If not, there is a serious breakdown in that family. One of the most important responsibilities of parents is to teach their children to realize just how precious they are to each other. When parents not only realize their duties, but commit to them in a dedicated manner, their children have one of the most precious gifts they could ever receive.

When one has the precious gift of family, all the other precious things in life are much easier to achieve. Families are, or should be, the core teacher of values such as dependability, loyalty, and trust. A person of values is a valuable commodity in themselves bringing self-worth, confidence, and happiness. A family also has traditions that bring each member a feeling of belonging and joy.

Discounting certain mental health issues, independent of family situations, it would be difficult to imagine a child of an encouraging, harmonious family not having success in life and a plenitude of precious things to enjoy and love. But, you may say, if it were that easy, why is there so much turmoil, violence, grief and sadness? We hear about and/or witness it every day! A consideration is the over exposure of these terrible things on all media compared to everyday life. On the other hand, much sadness is under-reported because it is not sensational enough for someone to profit from reporting it. I think there is something else to consider.

A Family Crisis

There is a family crisis in America! It is clear to me that when social disorder exists, it is primarily caused by the existence of dysfunctional families. Oftentimes, offspring from a dysfunctional family create more dysfunctional families and they grow like a pyramid scheme. There is little likelihood these offspring will aggressively look outside what they know to improve their skills as parents. I wrote a book to help fathers to be real dads. Sadly, fathers who could use these discussions to help them be a better parent are very unlikely to read it!

What we know is*:
  • 85% of children with behavioral disorders are from fatherless homes,
  • 24 million (34%) children live without their biological father
  • Children from fatherless homes are:
    • Seven times more likely to drop out of high school
    • Eleven times more likely to commit rape
    • Seven times more likely to become a teenage mother
    • Fifteen times more likely to end up in prison as a teenager

These are just a few of the shocking statistics.

What to do?

My hope is for a wave of family consciousness to sweep the country making it difficult for anyone to escape the discussion of family and family values. This would require more segments on family relations to replace the glut of cooking segments on TV. It would take news programs to shine a light on the real reasons that crime is taking place. It would require social media to emphasize family issues and programs even though celebrity gossip and sensationalism pay most of their bills. It would take schools spending more time on what makes a family work, and yes, fill-in teaching values when families are not doing it within. And, finally, it would take our government entities to not make laws which can incentivize families to not stay together. When US government helps single parent families more than two parent families, it can alter how families react. The answer is to help families, in general, to be precious to and for each other.

Summary

We have an issue when families don’t work because it spills out into society. If we never get to that root issue, we will always have excessive societal problems. And most dysfunctional or stressed families lack a father in the home! Yes, families are very precious things.
 
* From “The Power of Dadhood: Become the Father Your Child Needs”

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Consuetudes - and the Nuclear Family

8/7/2017

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consuetude
(kon-swi-tood)
1. custom, especially as having legal force.

How we think about things changes over the decades. Customs change as cultures evolve and/or mix together. Often, these changes do not occur without a great deal of pain on each side. Different points of view are understandable and there is not always a clear right or wrong, at least in the beginning.

My wife and I recently watched the movie entitled, “Loving”. It was the story of a bi-racial couple from Virginia who married in 1958. But such a marriage was illegal in Virginia and they were forced by the state to move out of Virginia or be sent to prison for a year. They moved to Washington D.C. but eventually their case went to the US Supreme Court. In 1967, the Virginia law was overturned. (Loving v. Virginia, 388 U.S. 1 (1967) is a landmark civil rights decision of the United States Supreme Court, which invalidated laws prohibiting interracial marriage.) Virginia’s law was no longer a consuetude.

I freely admit that as a child, born in 1950, it did not seem right to me to see a mixed race couple together. No one really told me it was wrong, but the attitudes of the day were unmistakable, and surely it was an uncommon sight. Truly, in my young mind, it had nothing to do with any thought of Blacks being unworthy. Simply, it didn’t seem normal to look outside your own race for love. Years and maturity changed my view. Certainly, in 1967 I felt differently about this social meme and I agreed with the Supreme Court decision. But it took a few years to understand and accept it.

I imagine before 1920 some people, especially men, thought it insane to give women the right to vote. By the 1950’s it was crazy not to do so. But for centuries before and after the biblical days, it was not common for women to have any kind of power compared to men. This consuetude was strong! It might not have been fair, but life does not guarantee fairness. People were told that they had to change how they, and most people throughout history, had thought – and it wasn’t easy. But it was certainly the right thing to do!

More recently, we have seen changes in the law that allow people of the same sex to marry. I’m sure in years to come - few, outside of those following certain religions, will think twice about a same-sex couple marrying. But to look down upon those who have disagreed does not allow deference to their religious beliefs or social experiences - especially given the newness of this change in social norms. Social changes continue mostly with LGBTQIA rights, which are hot-button topics in our society today.

The Nuclear Family

Why do I bring this all up? There is one social norm that is eroding that I will stand by until I am no longer on this earth. That social norm is the nuclear family, a family consisting of two parents and their children. Some give alternate definitions to include families with same sex parents, but I don’t agree. Not because I disapprove of the arrangement, but because it just isn’t so.

I think families come in many combinations, and any group of people that properly raise children are wonderful families! But here is the problem as I see it. Most non-nuclear families are missing a key factor – a dad!

Here are two passages from my book, “The Power of Dadhood”:

“To read examples of an American trend toward the “accepted absent father,” see David Blankenhorn’s chapter, “The Unnecessary Father,” in his book, Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem. Fatherless America details how the social role of fathers has been diminished and devalued.

Blankenhorn writes:

According to many experts, some mothers, and certain aspects of society, fathers are unnecessary. A father’s presence is appreciated but not required in a family. His role is overemphasized while the role of other adults is underemphasized. He is easily replaced by other male role models. . . .

Experts speak of having one or both parents present as making little difference in the socialization of children. They say that there are positives to being a single parent. That children don’t need a father to develop normally. That fathers are superfluous. . . .
One expert states we should rid studies of the “nuclear family bias” because family structure in and of itself has little to do with the development of children. Some mothers don’t want the men who are their children’s father getting in the way. They like having better control of their children without having another parent (third party) involved.

Like Blankenhorn, I am disappointed to see that some of these “experts” hold such a narrow view of the value of fatherhood.”


And…

“Prime time television explores social mores of the day. Murphy Brown was a TV series that broke many barriers in the late 1980s and 90s. One portion of the series’s progression was championing a woman choosing to have and raise a baby on her own. While giving pride and hope to single mothers—a good thing—another consequence was placing a tacit stamp of approval on a fatherless upbringing.

For nine seasons from 1996 to 2005, Everybody Loves Raymond portrayed Raymond as a good guy, but also as a selfish man who was rarely involved in the lives of his children—a father present but often unengaged.

Today, one of the most popular TV shows is Two and a Half Men. This show does portray a present father, to be sure. But the many social situations involved in the show don’t make it easy for Alan to continually show his son, Jake, the best models of manhood.

Other TV fathers throughout the years have simply been portrayed as bumbling idiots—think of Homer Simpson. But take heart; bumbling idiots can still be effective fathers. They just have to be loving and involved.”


My message

I encourage any family, no matter their makeup, to do what is necessary to help their children thrive! And most do. But my message here is to not allow the nuclear family to, 1) be minimized by those who don’t endorse it, 2) be diminished by training us to easily accept otherwise or, 3) be forgotten - by working tirelessly to inspire nuclear families to be successful.

Both boys and girls need both a father, (strong father figure) and a mother (strong mother figure). Again from my book:

“Boys need their dads to be examples of not only how to be men, but how to properly treat women. They need to know when to stand their ground and when to let things go. Dads need to teach boys how to throw a baseball. I can almost always tell when a boy has never played catch with his father. I can’t recall ever playing catch with mine. I’m now a grandfather and still wish I had that experience.
Dads need to be there to answer the questions boys don’t want to ask their mothers. And when they themselves become dads, they will look back on how they were raised for answers. Don’t let their conclusions regarding fatherhood be the wrong ones. Real heroes do not wear capes, nor do they necessarily run fast or shoot straight. Real superheroes are nurturing people who take personal and family responsibility head on.”


And for girls…

“A father is the first man in her life. He is the first man she tries to impress, and she never stops trying. All men are compared to you. You may rarely understand her, and she may rarely understand you, but there are critical moments in your relationship that will help her self-image, her delicate psyche, and her self-respect. Be there for her. She learns confidence and self-esteem from the way you interact with and treat her.”

Summary

Not all families can be nuclear families. Nor or all nuclear families better than other types of families. But with more nuclear families, there will be less poverty, less crime, more educated children, less mental issues, and happier people in general. The data is irrefutable! Just google, “fatherless children statistics” yourself. 
​
A family is the smallest social unit in the world. But he sum of all those small social units determine the success of any society. The most successful family unit is the nuclear family. Let’s get behind any movement that will make them more plentiful.



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​Little Heroes Day - A Gold Star Experience

7/31/2017

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This past weekend, my wife Kathy and I had the honor of being a part of an event to honor children who have lost a parent in service to our country. It’s difficult to explain the emotions that filled us as we worked with these young patriots. We could not even imagine what these children and spouses of our fallen have gone through and are still going through. This is why it was very difficult for me, at the end of this event, to do something we usually do for military families. I’ll get to that later.

Our goal was to let these Gold Star families know they are not forgotten. For those that don't know, a Gold Star Family is one who has lost a member of their family in service to our country. 
Three charities banded together to make this day possible. These charities are:
  • Little Patriots Embraced – Mission: To enhance the lives of our Military families in need…While their loved one is protecting our freedom.
  • Dogwood Ranch – “A Place Where The Broken Find Redemption.” A family of foster homes and equine therapy at a working ranch.
  • Dream Riders – “Honoring the Children of Our Fallen Heroes.” Kids that have lost a father, mother, brother or sister in the military are emotionally injured and also need our help. Dream Riders mission is to bring these families together for healing and fellowship in a fun environment.

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Dana Lopez (L) Dogwood Ranch - Carol Watanabe (C) Little Patriots Embraced - Julie Vinnedge (R) Dream Riders
These families, whose lives have been shattered as a result of their service to our country, should never be forgotten! As the motto of Dream Riders states, “Because they deserve happy memories”. And happy memories was another goal of Little Heroes Day. Around eighty children, their families, and scores of volunteers spent a gorgeous day together near Springfield, Missouri learning about horses, doing crafts, and learning how to protect themselves from bullies and potential predators. Halfway through the day, the Marines (Marine Corps League, Det. 993, Springfield, MO.) cooked up a spectacular lunch for all with some of the best cookies I’ve ever had for dessert.

My main duty during the day was to take photos, especially family photos with a ​Dogwood Ranch horse. Each family decorated their horse themselves, which was quite an experience because many of them had previously never been near a horse. Without prying into such a difficult part of their lives, we learned some of their tragic back stories. One little girl, about three-years-old, was without either parent. Her father was killed in action and not long after her mother was tragically killed by a boyfriend. She was being cared for by a volunteer who brought her to me for a photo of her on a horse. She was the only Gold Star Child to get a photo on a horse (see her in the slideshow). The look on her face when she found herself looking down on the mane of Millie (the horse) brought a happy yet sad tear to my eye. I missed capturing ‘the look’, but I did photograph her beaming smile before she dismounted with the help of Dana Lopez of Dogwood Ranch.

A stepfather of one family came to me to thank us for the day. He had just received a medical retirement after fourteen years of service. This hero married a woman with five children a few years after her first husband was killed in action. Whatever he did in the Army, his heroic deed of taking on a family of five very young children easily challenged the valor of his military service. Not many men would take on such a responsibility!

Kathy talked to a young mother of two girls, around nine and eleven years-of-age, who lost her husband four years ago. This military mom says it is still difficult to deal with his loss and she misses him every day. Needless to say, most of the fallen heroes were fathers. This is where, at the end of this precious day, it became very difficult for me. I’ll explain.

Those who read my blog know that I wrote a book that was published two and a half years ago. Through Little Patriots Embraced (LPE), for which I am a board member, we give away copies of my book at most LPE events. This is possible through the generosity of Carol Watanabe, our LPE founder, and Colonel (ret.) & Mrs. George Niemann, who made a large donation to buy these books. But this was a most unusual event honoring the families of fallen heroes - most of fallen were fathers. The title of my book is “The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”. Needless to say, most of these families were tragically without a father in the home at no fault of their own. Would my book bring heartache to these families for reasons that were too obvious?

However, we made the book available to those who wanted it as we did with Ray Amanat's book, “Bully, Victim, or Hero”. The kids devoured Ray’s book on bullying and self-defense while many of the parents asked for a copy of my book. I think these Gold Star Wives understand better than most how important it is to have a present and active father in the home. Hopefully, they will find another hero in their lives someday.

Summary
​

This was one of the most special days in the lives of the volunteers of these three charities. It certainly was to Kathy and me – to give back to those who have given so much! It’s never enough – it can’t ever be so. But these families truly appreciate the little we can do, “Because they deserve happy memories” like everyone else, maybe more so!
​

Special thanks to a few key people, knowing I am leaving out so many who deserve mention.
  • Carol Watanabe, founder of “Little Patriots Embraced”
  • Brian and Dana Lopez, President and Vice President of “Dogwood Ranch”
  • Julie Vinnedge – “Dream Riders” Executive Director & Treasurer, Gold Star Mother of LCpl Phillip Vinnedge 
  • Steve Presley, a ‘Little Patriots Embraced’ volunteer.
And a very special thanks to our Gold Star Families!

Here is a slideshow of just a few activities of the day.​
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Good Guys Often Have To Be Bad Guys

7/23/2017

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Picturewww.michaelbyronsmith.com
“God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest."
~ J. G. Holland.

What makes someone a bad guy or a good guy (I include females)? Often it is an impression more than a fact, or it could be a mood or a pre-judgement that influences one’s opinion of another. Some people do not get my respect only because of the attitude I see from them. Later, I may like those same people when I know them better, maybe not.
​
Why might someone look at you as a ‘bad guy’?  It could be that the apparent good you do for people will make you a bad person in their eyes if you stop doing it. Or what you do to protect people will anger them if they don’t agree. What you give to someone can rarely be taken back without protest or complaint. What you say to help others will often make enemies of those who don’t want to hear it.

It takes a person with principles to do what’s right knowing it will bring resistance and retribution. When we don’t have the principles to do what’s right, it can make the weak weaker and make the strong overbearing. We can see this in families, organizations, and/or governments.

That one child

In families, principles trump niceness. You always should be loving, but you can’t always be likeable. Certainly, children are not always likeable. Some parents have that one child that is just a little more challenging than the others. Hopefully, only one! Almost all kids have supercharged energy levels, developing egos, and fragile dispositions. The kind of exhaustion a parent feels after a long day with kids could rarely be matched by any other kind of tiredness. Add a child that has a little defiance and your patience will surely be tested.

It’s usually typical kid stuff. Kids naturally test your boundaries. They will test your resolution when given a warning or ultimatum. If you say to your child, “do ‘A’ again then ‘B’ will happen”, that is a challenge. So if they do ‘A’ once more, then you must follow up with ‘B’ whether you want to or not. Sometimes, you must be a bad guy to be a good parent.

When weighing what’s important to and for your kids, their ‘like’ for you (I don’t mean love) is not very important -- raising responsible and respectful children is! It’s rare to be successful at this while being too easy on them. You also must be on board with the other parent. If not, your children will designate one of you the good guy and the other the bad guy. This perception is nothing but trouble!

But there is another side to this story.

Might you actually be a ‘bad’ guy?

When, in reality, might you be a ‘bad guy’?  It could be that you don’t take the time or energy to think of someone else. Maybe you forget that patience is required to change a child’s behavior or it’s your responsibility to shape them. Maybe you give in too easily to situations as a parent because you don’t have the fortitude to deal with it. This is where you can appear to be a good guy to your children when you are really being lazy, selfish, or uncaring.

Summary

Often, it is the more difficult children that become the most successful! They have an energy that just has to be corralled and focused. By not attending to them in a determined way, that energy can go in the wrong direction. With guidance and by seeming to be the bad guy at times, a child with crazy energy, imagination, and intelligence can be our future leaders and most fruitful citizens.
​
Whether someone is a good guy or a bad guy has more to do with their intentions than their actions. This is really important for parents to understand. In a previous article, I discussed the notion of asking yourself this question when dealing with your children, “Will my help make them stronger or weaker?” The question you don’t ask is. “What is easiest?” No parent ever wants to have a confrontation with their child. It’s always easier to let things slide. But assuming you are an insightful and good parent, giving in will make both you and your child weaker. 

#powerofdadhood


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