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Lucky to Be Alive!

7/17/2017

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PictureA Renault Dauphine in better shape than ours.
​We all have memories of incidents where just one slip, one second of inattention, or one bad decision could have taken our lives. All in all, we are amazingly lucky to avoid the numerous tragedies that are around every corner. Of course, there are those who aren't so lucky - falling off a ladder or stories of people being in the wrong place at the wrong time at no fault of their own. Why the people on the four 9-11 flights lost their lives while those on Sully’s US Airways Flight 1549 survived, no one can say. Some things we don't control but where we can, we must be aware of the risks and minimize them.

My story about being ‘lucky to be alive’ goes back to my childhood. It’s not just one incident. It was more of a lifestyle that put my family in frequent peril. The best example of this lifestyle danger is our experiences with my father’s drunkenness while driving.

A Lasting Memory

There is a sound I hear that always takes me back to my childhood. It is the sound of cars zooming past us on a highway as we were parked on the side of the highway. Zoom, zoom, zoom-vroom-zoom, zoom-zoom, vroom! This is the sound I listened to for hours on the numerous occasions my father pulled over because he was too drunk to stay awake, let alone drive! My mother didn’t know how to drive until I was six or seven years old, but struggled with a stick shift one night to drive us home. On occasions after getting her license, she often could not get my dad out of the driver’s seat while he sobered up.

The safety of not being in a vehicle under the control of a drunk driver was countered somewhat by the immense boredom of sitting there in an idle car, listening to the sounds of trucks and cars passing by at high speeds and feeling the car being rocked by the air-wake of large trucks. No smartphones in the late 1950’s to pass the time, not even a transistor radio. We didn't use the car radio for fear of the battery dying. It would have been nice to have a book in the car, but I never wised up to the idea of having one at the ready. Many times it was dark anyway.

No one wore seat belts back then. The seats in the front didn’t even lock in place. I remember standing behind my dad as he drove. If he stopped too fast, I would move forward with the back of the driver's seat into my dad and then flop back into my rear seat on the recoil. Even with that, my dad never stopped me from standing behind him.  Some 1950's cars had big decks under the rear window where a kid could take a nap. On wintry days, the sun shining on my back while laying back there would feel so good. Now, I imagine flying like a crash dummy from that comfy spot during a sudden stop, likely decapitating my father as I flew through the front windshield. Why that never happened was just blind luck!

The Renault Dauphine


These scenarios were likely in any car, but our cars were not in the best shape. In later years, after my dad had abandoned the family on a more consistent basis, my mother took over the driving. While she never drank, the cars became even more dangerous. I specifically remember a car we had called a 1957 Renault Dauphine. It was cheap, simple, and very small. Somehow, we packed six kids and my mom in this tuna can. Being in my early teens by then, I remember ducking below the shotgun window, which took all the flexibility I could muster, to hide my face when driving through the neighborhood. While bent over, I could see the road passing below through a small hole in the floorboard.

With all its lack of flair and absence of cabin space, I kind of liked that car. Maybe because when I sat in it alone, I could imagine driving myself and shifting the little stick shift coming out of the floor next to that hole.  There weren’t many foreign cars back then and the engine was in the back, which kind of fascinated me. But had we been in a head-on crash, the front of the Renault would have buckled in like an empty aluminum beer can. There was no collision safety protection, no safety ratings! While I always sat in the front seat, I was never alone. I always had a younger sister or brother in my lap. That allowed the back seat to house four kids in a seat designed for two Smurfs.  Still no seat belts installed, an accident in that car would have taken us all out and it would not have been pretty!

We lived mostly in the city but never worried about playing outside alone. I never even heard of a predator. I was only concerned about the local bullies. I remember being in the third grade and having so many of my classmates who smoked - at eight years of age! No smoke alarms, carbon dioxide detectors, or ground fault circuit interrupters (GFCI). Compared to today, it was the Wild West! These are just a few examples of our way of life back then. 

Summary

I can’t even imagine driving around drunk, especially with children in my car. I would never allow anyone to not wear a seat belt. Yet it still happens! But now those situations are considered crazy and occur much less often. Sometimes, I think certain people go overboard with the safety stuff. But I come from a different time and wearing a helmet on a tricycle is the thing to do today. You never know when a high speed trike will hit a tree sending a two-year-old flying.  But seriously, it puts safety in the habits of our children? Parents must consider every situation and protect their kids from possible danger without restricting them too much from life. Somehow, my family and I were spared from potential tragedy. It was good fortune! Creating your own good fortune by being safety conscious at all times will go a long way in protecting your family. That, as a mother or father, is your highest responsibility!

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​The One Question Every Parent Should Ask Themselves!

7/10/2017

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One of the dilemmas of parenting is when and how much to help your children. There’s no doubt our children need help and continuous guidance, but too much help makes them dependent and/or lazy while not helping enough can slow their development and impede their confidence.

Some toddlers whine, asking you to help them to do this and that for them while others are fiercely independent not wanting any help, causing delays and frustration. Each scenario can continue as they grow older with the consequences, good or bad, having more and more leverage on the success and likeability of your child. You need a framework from which to work, a way to evaluate how much assistance you should provide, whether that be putting on their shoes or putting them through college. Simply, you will find yourself always pushing your kids on a swing if you never teach them how to kick.

I don’t worry too much about the independent children, the go-getters. While you may need to put a leash on them so they don’t get too far away from you -- control wise and safety wise, they will learn by trial and error without too much pushing from you. It’s the lazier, less aggressive children you have to watch. While lazier, by no means does that mean less intelligent. In fact, the lazier children can often outsmart you into doing something for them. They know, for instance, when you are impatient. If you want something done and they drag their feet, they know you will do it.

Some examples of things you must help children do.
  • Get nutrition
  • Learn to talk, walk, all the basics
  • Learn values
  • Know kindness
  • Develop independent thought
  • Develop an interest in learning

I discuss some of the more important lessons that should be taught to children in my previous article “What Every Dad Should Teach His Children”

Some examples of things you should NOT do for children
  • Anything they can do for themselves (with reasonable exceptions)
  • Ignore their mistakes
  • Accept weak excuses

So what is the one question every parent should ask of themselves with regard to their children? What question will simplify every decision you need to make when dealing with every child?
Will your help make them stronger or weaker?

It’s a simple question you can apply to any situation. Will your help make them stronger or weaker?
Granted, how you react to the answer may depend on current circumstances and your state of mind. You won’t always make the right decision and that’s okay. However, with this question in your subconscious at all times, you will become expert at molding independent and responsible children!

A Real Life Example

As an example, what about paying your children’s way through college? Ask yourself, “Will this make them stronger or weaker?” the usual answer would ‘yes’! You are helping them to help themselves. It will definitely help them to become stronger in their ability to be independent! But you know your children the best. Maybe they would like to have the college experience but you don’t see them as being serious about furthering their education. If so, you are not helping them move on with their lives thereby keeping them in a negative situation. Paying for college for some young adults is a waste of their time and your money.

Like learning to walk, a child needs help at first, then you must coax them to go it alone. A child with determination, imagination, self-confidence, and experiences will be successful. Those who are sheltered and coddled will fall behind, especially those children who accept it.

Summary

In my mind, this question, “Will this make them stronger or weaker?” is one of the smartest ways to simplify your parenting decisions. It may well make your parenting lives more difficult by forcing yourself to do what’s right and standing up for it, but it will certainly help you to raise better prepared, more independent, and stronger citizens. Your personal rewards will come in your later years in the pride you have for your grown children and the freedom you will enjoy not having to constantly bail them out of difficult situations. This important question will not only make your children stronger, it will make you stronger as a parent!
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For more discussion on parenting, especially for dads, check out my book on fatherhood, “The Power of Dadhood, Become the Father Your Child Needs”.

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The Fourth is for Families!

7/4/2017

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This is a video I made to celebrate our love for our country and our families. Each is precious and we should never take them for granted!

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The Engaged Father

6/19/2017

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Fathers’ Day is over and, hopefully, it was full of love, promise, and reflection. It’s a day when a little more thought may go into your relationship with your children.
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Just before Fathers’ Day every year, I post a self-inspection checklist for dads to review just for that purpose -- to reflect on your unique father-child relationships in a structured and thorough way. It is not for the purpose of pass/fail judgement, or meant as a comparison to other fathers. The checklist is a tool to improve your parenting skills as the male influence in your family.

This ‘Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist’ from my book, The Power of Dadhood, is divided into five major sections, the first section I’d like to discuss here:

Are you there for them, not just around?
  • Do you/did you hold your children as babies and toddlers?
  • Do you enjoy spending time with your kids?
  • Do you make time to focus on your kids?
  • Would you consider yourself loving and do your kids KNOW that you care for them?
  • On occasion, do you give them special one-on-one attention? 
  • Do you comfort your kids when appropriate?
  • Are you willing to be ‘hated’ for doing the right thing for your children?
  • Do you really listen when spoken to?
  • Do you have fun together?

The obvious point of this block of questions is to examine the depth and breadth of your engagement with your children. It’s very important to start early, knowing your impact on them will mean so much to their development. And you will have an impact, even and maybe especially if, you are not engaged with them. Of course, the impact of non-engagement would be not be beneficial whatsoever and potentially disastrous. Most dads will do anything they can to help their children.

How to Engage

There are a myriad of ways to engage your children at all ages. If you find yourself clueless and/or lacking confidence in finding ways to be in their lives more closely remember, we are in the age of the internet and Google searches. Ideas and suggestions are easy to find. What is really difficult is setting aside time or changing priorities to do so.

Realizing you may have been too busy lately in your busy and demanding lives, there are ways to make up for some lost time as well as creating fun memories you and your children will cherish. Reading together, playing catch, playing board games, or watching a fun movie are some of the many ways to connect.

Fun with Science

A fun thing to do with kids that stimulates their imaginations and teaches them valuable lessons is to do simple science experiments with them.  Bestforthekids.com has come up with seven simple experiments to perform with children. 

The ‘7 Intriguing Science Experiments for Your Kids’ (see infographic below) will make you the coolest dad ever! It’s likely they will brag to their friends about the experiments and be proud dad was involved. Any future interest in science would be a nice bonus. They will remember these fun times and know that they are important to you.

My granddaughter’s 5th birthday party had as its theme “The Mad Scientist” led by her parents. It was a smashing success! The kids had a blast creating crazy substances and reactions with simple household items.

Summary
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The important thing to remember as a father is showing love, concern, interest, and giving your time to your kids. Certainly, we men want to do this and usually do. But not all fathers are the same. We get busy. We become distracted. We get complacent. Therefore, we need a reminder and a review. The ‘Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist’ will help you do such a review, and tools like the ‘7 Intriguing Science Experiments for Your Kids’ will help you find ways to engage, connect, and mentor your children. Go be a real dad!


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Childhood Done Right!

6/11/2017

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​Upon my retirement a few years ago, I bought a farmhouse, built in 1900, on about three acres thinking it would be a nice retreat and a place for my grandchildren to roam and create great memories. At the time I purchased the property my wife and I had no grandchildren, but one was on the way. Now our two daughters each have two children ranging from two to eight years of age. These four kids are the joys of our lives and much of my time is spent hoping to help guide them to be successful and to have great childhoods.

Naturally, our daughters have many friends with children, most of whom are in the same age range of my grandchildren. This fact and because we have this beautiful piece of property just a half hour from suburban St. Louis, my family occasionally hosts a party for the enjoyment of kids and their families to run, eat, and play.

Why?

In this digital age of busy, highly scheduled kids almost disappearing from yards and neighborhoods, I wanted to do something to bring alive, or even introduce children to, the joys of running in green grass and wading in creeks. The result is one of the most satisfying experiences imaginable.


What has changed in the last few years?
  • A larger percentage of both parents work
  • Technology has exploded
  • More scheduled extra-curricular activities
    • Organized team sports
    • Musical training like piano
    • Dance
    • Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts
    • More playtime is scheduled
    • Gymnastics, etc.
  • A heightened fear of many things and people caused in large part by the hyper-coverage of every event.

The Issue

Kids often don’t have a parent with time to watch them play, nor will they trust them to play alone with friends. When it becomes supposedly safer to be indoors with Hulu, Roku or Apple TV with endless choices on Netflix, You-Tube, etc.; when social media can be addictive; when you are afraid someone will snatch your child from your driveway because it happens once every twenty million opportunities; when you need a business license to have a lemonade stand; when every moment of your life is planned - then green grass becomes landscaping and not a playing surface.

I have nothing against the items I listed above as having been changes of the last few years on their own. I like them all, except perhaps the increased fear. But even that has merit in some neighborhoods. But I do feel saddened that ‘free-range’ children are becoming rare and free time outside does not have a higher priority.

The Kids' Party (see video below)

Our last party was attended by 40-50 children and their parents. There were bouncy houses, a huge blowup slide, a zip line, a barrel train, UTV rides to the creek, playground swings and slides, cotton candy, lots of delicious food, and acres of trees and green grass. It was magical for me as I may have got more from the party than any of the kids. The joy on their faces, the excitement of their actions and their exhaustion at the end of the day were the answer to every question of “why do this”?

One of my daughter’s friends wrote to her after the party. Here’s what she had to say and it confirmed to me our goal was met.

“Zip lines, playing in the creek, rope swings, bounce houses, cotton candy, wide open spaces. Today was ‘childhood done right’.”

I have no doubt every kid there that day will remember the fun they had. Remember that a little non-structured play, outdoors, will add balance to your busy lives. Let them get sweaty and dirty. Have some band-aids nearby. Invite their friends over, get your kids outside! 


For Fathers Day: Check out my book in hard copy, Kindle, Nook, or audio: "The Power of Dadhood"
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It Should Be Called "Dads Day"

6/3/2017

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www.michaelbyronsmith.com
I’ve always contended that Father’s Day should be 'Dads Day'. When 25% of White fathers, 33% of Hispanic fathers, and 58% of Black fathers are not living with their children, then many men who are fathers may not merit a day of celebration. Certainly, many fathers don’t live at home because of circumstances beyond their control. That is sad but not an excuse to stop being involved, no matter the circumstances, which can be tilted in the mother’s favor.

And just as sadly, many fathers who do live at home are not deeply involved in raising and nurturing their children. Those fathers are around, but live in a bubble. They think providing a roof over their families’ heads and food on the table are all that is required or necessary of them. Others are very busy with work or careers thinking they will catch up to their kids later, but rarely do.

While the facts above are alarming, and there is much we need to do to improve the state of fatherhood, the good news is how effective a loving and responsible dad can be in lives of his children! It is factually true that a father in the home reduces teen pregnancy, child abuse, mental illness, truancy, crime, drugs, obesity, school drop-out rates, etc. Just check out the facts in the link below. They may stun you!

                  .......................Data regarding fatherless homes...................................

A father is a biological definition, but a dad is so much more!

Two Parents, Four Times the Better!

Mother’s Day is a much bigger event, and rightly so! Mothers, in general, are much more in-tune to family and very loyal parents. But dads are just as important to the well-being of their kids for all the reasons stated and more! Two people, two personalities, to sexes, double the attention, twice the love! These are just a few of the reasons why it is so important to have a mom and a dad raising their kids, together!

Some things you can do. Some things you should do. And some things you must do! Being a parent to your children is one of those ‘must-do’ things! So when Father’s Day comes around, if your kids - whether children or adults - are just as excited or more so than you are to celebrate the day, then you know you have done a good job as a DAD!

The perfect book to help a father be a dad is “The Power of Dadhood”, written for the benefit of families everywhere.


I hope a very happy Dad’s Day will be greeting all you dads out there!
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A Video About "Dadhood"

5/29/2017

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Difference #8 Between a Father and a Dad

5/8/2017

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“A father yawns when asked about reading to his kids. A dad yawns while reading to his kids.”

I have an affliction. I discovered it some 40 years ago when I read “I am a Bunny”, the first book we bought for April, our first child. I could not get through two sentences without yawning wildly – long, deep, eye closing, quivering yawns! I didn’t think much of it until it hit me again just a few sentences later. (I’m actually yawning now, just thinking about it.)

Now I’m reading to my grandchildren and it still happens. I can’t explain it. I try to talk through the yawns so the kids don’t get bored waiting for me to recover. But all they hear from my gaping mouth is, “My ame is ickoyas, I… ive ina ha-ha-ha-whoa wee”. (Translated: “My name is Nicholas, I live in a hollow tree.”) But, despite my all-but-smooth delivery, I brave on because reading to children is so important to their development.

Why?

Men who don’t enjoy reading to their children are missing not only a great bonding experience, but are failing in the important role of nurturing. Reading to your kids expands their vocabulary and sparks their imagination. It is a great way to connect with them.  Babies love your attention and the sound of your voice is soothing and reassuring. Toddlers like the stories, eventually connecting the words with pictures. Books become a symbol of love, learning, and relationships, hopefully becoming an important part of their entire lives.

Children learn to love the sound of language before they even know about the words on the page. Reading books aloud to children stimulates their imagination and expands their understanding of the world. It helps them develop language and listening skills and prepares them to understand the written word. When the rhythm of language become a part of a child's life, learning to read and reading to learn will be natural steps to follow.

Reading together is fun family time; a time to not only share your passions, views, and establish values, but also a time to listen and learn about your kids. It creates a time for children to ask questions as well as an opportunity for parents to show their kids how important they are to you.

Yes, I’ve struggled mightily to not yawn as I’ve read to my children and grandchildren. But they have never complained and always would be patient with me. The memories of the many books, some having been read over and over again, are precious to me. They may not remember those times as well as I do, but they have surely benefited in many ways, as I have benefited especially in deep breathing!
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Difference #7 Between a Father and a Dad

5/4/2017

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“A father looks to the mom when the kids are chaotic. A dad is part of the chaos.”

There are not many worse situations in a family than a missing father. But a close second is a present, but non-participating father. Some men are not comfortable being active parents for whatever reason. Others have demanding schedules that make it difficult to be as involved as they may like. A few are selfish, interested only in themselves.

Sure, maybe a passive or non-involved father provides for the family and is a male symbol. And surely he loves his family. But does he show his love? Does he understand the vital role he plays in his children's development? Boys need a proper role model and girls need to be loved by, and treated with respect by, a loving male.
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When a mere father comes home to his family, no one seems to notice. Some may even cringe knowing they have to be careful not to upset their father. But when a dad comes home, there are are hellos, hugs, and general happiness. 

Noise can bother some fathers, even if the noise is laughter. A good dad will become a part of, and cause for, the laughter. He also is the one who properly corrects his children when necessary. That responsibility is never delegated. 

When a mother yells at her kids to settled down, let the dad be the cause of the chaos, playing, teasing, or wrestling with his kids. But to say "settled down, your bothering your father", is not the sign of a happy family. Of course, there are times that kids get out of control while one of their parents are in need of quiet and cooperation. I don't think it is too difficult to figure out.

Be a part of your children's life! School, sports, games, activities, their friends, etc., these are all areas with which fathers should be involved. Make playing in the backyard with them a frequent activity. As happened to the baseball great Harmon Killebrew when he was a kid - it's a really good sign when a dad and his children get in trouble together!

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Difference # 6 Between a Father and a Dad

4/26/2017

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“A father babysits, a dad parents.”

It may not be said as often as in the past, but some fathers, when left alone with their kids, say they are babysitting. Well, unless you’re 13 years old and making below minimum salary, you are not babysitting. At least you shouldn’t be!
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Fathers must not be reliant on mothers to know how to take care of their own children. Sure, there are things to learn as a new parent – so learn them! You learn by watching, listening, asking, and doing. To say you are babysitting is to infer that you are there as a safety net in case something goes wrong. No mingling, teaching, bonding, or even disciplining going on. As a babysitter, you are an observer, a monitor, a passive being in a world of opportunity.

As I often do, I refer to my own father when I write about these differences between a father and a dad. After all, he is my inspiration. To be clear, I loved my father. He just wasn’t a dad in the sense that he was a loving, involved, nurturer. To that end, my father didn’t even stretch into the minor role of a babysitter. Any occasion or memory where my siblings and I were alone in his charge totally escapes me. When my mom was not around I was the babysitter, there as a safety net in the event something went wrong.

A father who is also a dad, parents (a verb)! He discusses parenting techniques and goals with the mother. Compromises and agreements must be made in raising children if differences exist. Without a united front, you will raise children who learn manipulation. You teach them to be unfair or to use exploitation to get what they want. A father who does not co-parent is a sucker for manipulation!

A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist

To have some idea of what kind of dad you are, I wrote a checklist which is in my book, “The Power of Dadhood”. Below are just the major headings, the detailed questions of each may be found here.
  • Are you there for them, not just around?
  • Do you help your children face their fears?
  • Does your family work together and support each other?
  • Are you a good example to your children and do you represent yourself well?
  • Is building the character of your children a conscious part of your parenting?

Summary
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Fathers are equal in rights and responsibilities to mothers when it involves their children. Never abrogate those rights. Don’t ever feel overmatched.  Never be disinterested. Always be involved. Never be minimized as a father!
 
​#powerofdadhood
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