Blog Posts

Kids, Helping with Their Anxieties and Other Maladies

2/24/2023

Photo by author

Excuse my language, but anxiety is a bitch! I know because I had it in scores, mostly when I was younger. I have seen loved ones suffer this terrible affliction, taking away moments when they should be happy, or at least comfortable. It's concerns of the future that take away the joys of the present, joys you may be taking for granted. Of course, we all have anxiety in one form or another. No need to think you are in any way unusual because you are a little nervous before a speech, interview, or test.

My experiences with anxiety have come in handy as a parent. Taking advantage of your experiences to help others is called mentoring. Parents are constantly mentoring whether they know it or not.

I remember two' pearls of wisdom' I tried on my children when they were anxious about something they were 'going through.' Once, I told my oldest daughter to imagine herself on the moon looking down on the earth. That visualization was supposed to put her issue in perspective. When looking at the entire world, one's own demons appear much smaller. We all think 'the world' is continually judging us when it just isn't that interested in us. Maybe that is disappointing to egotists, but it's a good thing to know for someone suffering from anxiety.

Another time, my son was nervous about performing well in something very challenging and important to him. This time my advice was to "try like hell, but don't give a damn"! I meant for him to do his very best to prepare, all the way up to the challenge. But as the challenge is about to occur, back off a while, relax, clear your head and tell yourself, "I did all I could do, I don't care about worrying about it any longer because whatever will come, I now can handle." because you will not need to look back with regret.

I found this sage advice affirmed when I ran across a quote by William James, an American philosopher, psychologist, and physician.

"One ounce of good nervous tone in an examination is worth many pounds of anxious study for it in advance. If you want really to do your best in an examination, fling away your book the day before, say to yourself, 'I won't waste another minute on this miserable thing, and I don't care an iota whether I succeed or not.' Say this sincerely, and feel it, and go out and play, or go to bed and sleep, and I am sure the results next day will encourage you to use the method permanently."

One reminder, neither I nor Mr. James are suggesting to ignore painstaking preparation. Just give it a rest before your hard work and knowledge are tested. Be calm and purge your concerns just before your performance.

It's not just managing anxiety where you can help your family. You can help with confidence, fear, peer-pressure, responsibilities, and more. They all seem to tie-in with stress. I discuss all these issues in my book, The Power of Dadhood, which is a guide to mentoring your children. Being there for them, loving them, and nurturing them – all of these are so important to raising mentally healthy children.

I don't think I would have been as good at mentoring my children had I not read books. William James, Maxwell Maltz, Napoleon Hill, Norman Vincent Peale, and many others taught me things I didn't know or reinforced somethings that I hoped were true. The Power of Dadhood does not approach these writers' stratosphere, but I wrote it with their knowledge. If you are a father or a mother, my book will help you think and mentor your children. Do you have a higher calling? I think not.

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Hiking with Daisy

2/6/2023

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(Written on a note pad around 20 years ago, and found this week. It has little to do with Dadhood, more to do with being a husband. Something that rings even more true today.)

I walked into nature enjoying the peace, looking up at the blue sky through the random limbs and changing leaves of color. I spotted three bucks wearing stately crowns of antlers and enjoying what time of year provided them. My dog, Daisy, alternately followed me, led me, and darted off every so often in a futile chase of a squirrel or chipmunks; the bucks she respected. It was a beautiful fall day with unusual pockets of cool and warm air as I passed through them.

Today would be a longer walk because we had daylight enough. Daisy and I took a winding trail that scaled a steep hill separating us from the Meramec River and its lush valley. I would step aside for the occasional biker, scolding Daisy when she wouldn’t do the same. We had taken these paths many times and Daisy knew every fork that was our favorites and I obediently followed her. As was normal for me, I stumbled often on rocks or exposed roots that make this more than a simple stroll. After two serious spills where I suffered a gashed knee and broken ribs, I finally learned not to run these trails any longer.

As we neared the top of the hill and walked toward the cliffs overlooking the valley, I get the same feeling I always get at this point. It was the anticipation of the beautiful view I already knew so well. Beauty never disappoints yet there are those who are unconscious of the wonders no man could create. I walked down the path paralleling the cliffs marveling the trees, the shades of red, orange, yellow, brown and green leaves, the river, and the rolling hills.

Daisy knows we always stop at a bench on the trail that allows a rest while enjoying the panoramic scene. I try not to think of anything while sitting on that bench. I figure if things are going on in my brain, then nothing is coming in. But it’s tough not to think this time as hard as I try. It is because I remember when you sat next to me on that bench on a day that was much like this, at least in its beauty. Only it was spring, when everything was coming alive. This was fall, when everything in nature was showing off before going on a long hiatus. I always loved Spring and Fall. That year, I liked Spring a little better.

P.S. As a photographer, I see things others do not. As a writer, I see stories in everyday life. Not being a musician, I wonder what melodies and such I am missing. As a man, I want to absorb moments that could be easily ignored or forgotten.

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Why You Should Know Your Children – Genuinely!

2/3/2023

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The things you can learn in a quiet conversation!

Let me set the stage for this article on parenting by making a few statements and asking some questions.

No one knows your child as well as you ( the mother or father) do. Is that true?
No one is as likely to know your child as well as you. Is this statement true?
No one should know your child as well as you. Is this true?
You strive to know your children as best you can. Is this true?

These are questions to ask yourself as a parent. Whatever your answers are, many of you are wrong and don’t realize it. There can be many things you don't know about your kids and there may be people that are aware of things about them that you may never know. The hope is that you, at least, strive to know your children as best you can. If not, you can be hurting their development as you do things you assume are helping them. Similarly, you may be hurting their development if you ignore their tendencies, strengths, and weaknesses.

For instance, pushing a child into playing sports has the possibility of opening their eyes to competition, sportsmanship, working with others, and keeping in good physical shape. This would be great for most kids. For some children, however, being pushed into a sport contributes to feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, and a lack of self-confidence. It’s not that these children should not try sports, but knowing their desires and fears in advance would, at a minimum, determine just how much give and take there should be in forcing the issue.

Not pushing can also be a mistake. I have a somewhat distant relative, a millennial, who likely has a genius IQ. This was revealed in testing and the grades he received with little effort in school. But the young man makes a sloth look like the energizer bunny. His life is inactivity and video games. His father is not involved in his life at all and his mother is mildly interested in pushing him to succeed. No one really knew him as a child. Sure, they may have known he was smart and lazy, but anyone could have seen that. What they didn’t know was what might motivate him in a positive direction.

If Joey likes video games, don’t let him indulge in them until you find a way to take advantage of that interest. “Join the debate team, Joey. If you do, we will allow a certain amount of time on video games”. This could be an simple approach to ‘give and take’. “And Joey, if you win a debate, we may allow even more time on video games.” Your goal is not to let him build up rewards of video game time, but to distract him, hoping new challenges may awaken within him.

There is nothing wrong with rewarding good behavior in a sincere way, but it is damaging to not have negative consequences for bad behavior. But to do either means you have to know your child. Your rewards must be something they value and your consequences must be something they wish to avoid. Do you really know what those ‘rewards or consequences’, are?

Here’s another twist. Sometimes you need to stay out of their way. If you are lucky enough to have a kid that knows what he or she wants in life, (assuming it’s not world domination or a reality show, etc.), then let them follow their passion. It could be dance, science, horses, baseball, poetry -- i.e. anything of value to them and/or society. If you tell them there’s no future in poetry, then you’re likely thinking in monetary terms, not in terms of their happiness. You can give an opinion anytime but try to give them the benefit of doubt.

So it is that parents need to genuinely know their children in order to help them be successful. With some children, we need to intercede, assist, or push. With others, we need to let them fly. With all, we need to praise and encourage them when they seem to be on a good path.

To what purpose?

I like the NLT translation of Matthew 25:29, quoting Jesus.

“To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away.”

Michael Byron Smith
#powerofdadhood

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… because Memories Got in the Way

1/21/2023

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When we were younger. almost done raising our kids.

I have not been writing many blogs in this space lately. I lost my wife this past year and I’ve been writing a memoir. Going through things in my house, sadly transitioning to living alone and finding things I had forgotten. A photo put away that didn’t mean as much as it does now. Another photo that floods the memory. A note written that reminded me how simple it was to write then and how impossible it is to write now. My memoir is about a boy who hungered for his father. That hunger was never satisfied. But I met a young woman who learned to love me despite my lack of knowing how to be a man or how to treat a woman. Kathy is her name, and she became my wife. With her help, I learned to be the father my father never was while remaining a work in progress as a husband.

My first book, The Power of Dadhood, was a huge effort for me, and very successful for an unknown, first-time author. As a technical guy—a pilot, then an engineer, I didn’t know how to write at all. But I wanted to put on paper what I learned as a kid with a mostly absent father, and as a father myself. Because Kathy worked with parents and their children as a parent educator, she taught me so much, especially how important the connection is between parent and child in their first three years.

It’s been over twenty years since I began The Power of Dadhood, and seven years since it was published. My memoir, with a working title of The Vagabonds: A Memoir of Father Hunger, is the story of why I wrote my first book. Currently, my final manuscript is being edited.

When I sat down to write, what you see here was not what was intended. It’s too early to push my memoir, likely months away from publishing. What I was going to write was a small moment I had documented quickly in those small memoranda pads I kept with me before smartphones existed. I will probably follow through with that intended task in my next blog. The reason I wanted to publish those words, written maybe two decades ago, is because I think I was practicing for my first book. Or maybe it was just to capture a moment I had since forgotten. However, I was happy with what I had written so long ago, found because my life has changed so much recently. So that story will be written next time… because memories got in my way.

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‘Twas the Night Daddy Saved Christmas!

12/12/2022

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'Twas the Night Daddy Saved Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And this is no joke.
The kids were excited.
And the parents were broke!

The fireplace was gas,
And no keyhole in sight.
No way for Santa,
To come in tonight!

The children were worried!
How would Santa get in?
To place presents under the tree,
Set up in the den.

Dad, they asked puzzled,
What should we do?
To get in safely,
Santa will, for sure, need a clue.

Dad scratched his head slowly.
And gave it some thought.
“How can Santa get credit?
For the presents I bought.”

The lights in the tree
Had gone out again.
Dad said some bad words,
That made us all grin.

“I’m sorry”, said Daddy.
For those words that I said.
Let me think for a minute
While you get ready for bed.

He thought as he checked out
A new Christmas light strand.
Then “Eureka!” he said.
I now have a plan.

Write Santa a note,
And place it in the yard.
I’ll give him directions,
That won’t be too hard.

The note will tell him,
“Open the garage door”.
With a secret code for the combo,
That he can’t ignore.

The list he keeps has birthdays,
I’m certainly hopin’.
By entering your ages,
The garage door will open.

Malia is oldest,
That would be seven.
No tight chimney for Santa,
Will be just like heaven!

Ryan is second.
His age is three.
How much easier for Santa,
Can this possibly be?

Rosie is next.
Her number is two.
Not much else
For Santa to do.

Juliette is one.
The last code Santa needs.
To do another,
Of Santa’s good deeds.

Seven, Three, Two, One.
Are the numbers to enter.
Santa will be thrilled.
He’ll remember this winter.

Our daddy’s a genius!
Our presents will be here.
But having a daddy who helps us,
Will make our Christmas this year!

Merry Christmas!

Michael Byron Smith
12/24/2015

#powerofdadhood

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47 Reasons Why Being a Dad is So Awesome!

11/28/2022

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If you are a man who lives life with passion, you will have many things for which to be thankful, and numerous experiences to reflect upon. But if you also become a father, your world will expand many times over. Being a dad is awesome, but only if you are up to the task. You must be selfless and give to your children, but they will pay you back many times over. Here are forty-seven reasons I have come up with why being a dad is so cool. I’m sure you can add to the list with your own experiences.

The list follows this slide show representing 15 of the reasons. (You may have to be on the website to see it.)

1. Each enjoyment is earned through hard work and tough times, and that’s the first thing that is cool about being a dad.
2. Your chest will swell with every one of your children’s achievements.
3. The sound of “Daddy” from your child’s voice is magical.
4. You don’t think so much about yourself.
5. Hugs around the neck are the best!
6. Giggles are precious!
7. Being available and present is appreciated forever.
8.   You will smile when they bring you a book to read to them.
9. Your emotions are elevated to dizzying heights!
10.   You are the most important man in their world!
11.   Keeping small secrets with them is fun, and it bonds.
12.   Saying, “That’s my son!” or “That’s my daughter!”
13.   When you hear them say, “That’s my dad!”
14.   Teaching them to stand tall is a great gift for both of you.
15.   Fixing stuff together is a blast.
16.   Seeing your children be unselfish.
17.   When they are respectful to their elders.
18.   Their successes are your successes.
19.   Seeing your kids showing love and affection to their mother.
20.   They love when you make French toast on Saturday mornings.
21.   Being an example makes you a better man.
22.   Riddles and puzzles are fun things to do together.
23.   Teaching them to the point of failure is priceless.
24.   Playing catch with your kids is more than playing catch.
25.   When they understand when it’s time for fun, or time to be serious.
26.   Finishing what you and they start will make you careful about what is important.
27.   Your daughter playing in the dirt while your son plays ball will make you smile.
28.   Seeing your kids’ help, comfort, and play with each other.
29.   Tractors or princesses will be the center of their young lives
30. Tea parties can be fun for them, and the memories of them are wonderful for all.
31.   When your child reaches up to you from a crawl that says, “I want you to hold me”.
32.   Remembering when you let you son/daughter splash in mud puddles then taking the heat from mom
33.   Stick drawings of you smiling makes you smile again.
34.   Letting them steer your car (or tractor) when it’s safe. They love that!
35.   When they learn to eat with their mouth closed.
36.   When they speak to you, eye to eye, you will be proud.
37.   They’ll do goofy things that make you laugh.
38.   Being wore out from piggy back rides is a good tired.
39.   When your heart melts, you are helpless, and it feels good.
40.   When your kids are kind to the less fortunate.
41.   When your son follows you around because he wants to be like you.
42.   Realizing a toddler can crawl on your lap before you know they’re doing it.
43.   Knowing they don’t care about your imperfections.
44.   Being your kids’ favorite teacher.
45.   Knowing they are happy to see you come home from work.
46.   Graduations, dance recitals, ball games, plays, etc.—you and mom being the most important attendees!
47.   Being a dad means you may be a grandfather someday. If you think being a dad is cool, try being a grandfather!

This list is not complete because the joy has no limits. The point is--fatherhood can be wonderful, and the most fulfilling responsibility you will ever take on. How wonderful depends mostly on you and the limits you establish. What you put into it, comes back again and again.

Click on the title to order my book: The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs

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Thoughts on Ethics, Children, and Student Loans

11/20/2022

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“The times, they are a-changing,” sang Bob Dylan. As the times change, so do ethical challenges. And you may have noticed that changes are accelerating at an alarming rate! In some ways, are children are not as affected as their parents, until they become parents themselves. After all, they are raised in what is their parents’ new normal, but their only normal.

World renowned futurist and author of “The Singularity is Near” Ray Kurzweil sees an exponential increase in the rate of change. He suggests we will see 20,000 years of change in the next century alone, based on a continuing pace of acceleration. Scary stuff!

As a kid, I fantasized about who cool it would be if everyone had a phone with them at all times, likely influenced by the capabilities of Dick Tracy’s watch. Three weeks ago, I bought my first Apple Watch. Now, not only do I have a phone on me that can speak to anyone in the world for free, it also monitors my heart rate, blood oxygen and blood sugar! I haven’t even mentioned how smartphones can help us with directions, photography, exercise, and so much more. What will our phones, apps, watches, fridges and cars do for use 20 years from now?

With all this change comes ethical challenges. How will privacy be protected? Will mental health be challenged? Will truth be more difficult to find given all the sources, many of which cannot be trusted? How fast to we allow our children to be introduced to technology, especially smartphones?

However, there are base ethical principles that should never change...
and your children should know and understand them. Here are seven ethical ideas that are explained simply enough for your kids to understand:

Honesty - reliably sharing good and bad news, and performing alone as you would being supervised, even if it’s painful.
Fairness - Life is not fair, but people should be. Treat others as you would want to be treated.
Integrity - keeping promises and simply doing what you say you are going to do, honestly and fairly (see above).
Compassion - understanding with kindness the needs, sensitivities, and values of others.
Respect - interacting with others with compassion and fairness (see above),
Responsibility - performing to completion, any task for which you are expected to do.
Leadership - being an example of ethical and responsible behavior to and for those you influence.

A current example

Now I’d like to apply these basic ethical principles to a current controversial topic, the bailout of student loans. When students get a loan for school, they sign a contract stating the guidelines for that loan to be repaid. If not repaid, many ethical principles are broken. I am against this bailout for the ethical reasons stated above.

The first ethical guideline is ‘integrity’ which includes the ethics of ‘honesty’ and ‘fairness’. Students are ‘responsible’ for those loans, like it or not. Those loans must be paid some way, if not by the borrower, then by the citizens who pay taxes. This is not respectful to many others. First, to those who repaid their loans in the past. Second, to the taxpayers who have to pick up students’ burden. Last, to those hard-working people who paid off loans to build a business, buy tools, or attendedtrade schools through borrowing.

It was reported on a Sunday morning show that 50% of the citizenry of the US is for this student loan bailout. No doubt many of these people have outstanding student loans. That doesn’t make their favoritism for this policy ethical. In fact, they are selling ethics for financial gain, a quandary no doubt.

I paid off my student loans, some of which were not for school, but to help my family. Likewise, many students take out loans for reasons other than school, often for reasons of entertainment. Borrow money for whatever reason you want. Just be responsible enough to have the integrity to pay back your lenders. That’s what a leader would do. It’s honest, fair, and respectful!

Have you discussed ethics with your children?
#powerofdadhood

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It Takes Two!

11/14/2022

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Only a fool thinks they have all the answers, all the wisdom, all the experiences, all the talent to address every situation they face. Coaches have assistants, as do principals and executives. Doctors have collaborators and nurses. Airlines always have two pilots to fly their aircraft. The President has a Vice President and military officers have knowledgeable NCOs to make things work. My point?

It is best when children have two parents with different skills and outlooks to guide and teach them. One parent can fill the gaps the other may leave open. A girl learns from her mother but needs the love and male interaction of her father. A boy learns from his father but needs the often softer touch and protection of his mother. Parents often have different interests and talents that may match the interests of one of their children, while the other parent may have the talents to help another.

My childhood family of six children had too much mother while not near enough father; and because my father did not contribute to raising us, the mother we had could not be all she could be in that role. In my efforts through my book ‘The Power of Dadhood,’ and my nine years of blogging on fatherhood, I have been challenged by single mothers who believe I am berating them and their efforts. Of course, this is not true. I think single mothers who raise children alone are heroes! But these moms must realize that a male influence is critical in a balanced upraising of their children.

The few times my father involved himself in my youth, I realized his lessons had to do with the long-term me while my mother’s concerns were more often the short-term me. As an example, I once found myself in a fight with a couple of bullies. My father happened up on this and decided he could help by only allowing one bully to fight me to make it fair. I really didn’t want to fight either and was no match for the bully, who was easy on me, with my father present, until I connected on a punch.

My mother was furious with my father when she heard what had happened. Dad wanted me to learn to defend myself. While my father may have had the disputable tactic, he was trying to help the ‘long term’ me. Mom would have protected the ‘short term’ me, i.e., kept me out of the fight. I don’t claim either was right or wrong, but they had different outlooks on what I needed. Without both of them in my life, I would lose something important to my development.

Sometimes it is just impossible to have two parents, or two parents of opposite sex, in a family. One parent dies or the parents don’t get along; some have different lifestyles, etc. But never forget to do what you can to balance the experiences, during the tender years of growth of a child, needed to meet their best possible future.

#powerofdadhood

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The Dad That Makes a Difference

11/4/2022

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Guiding Principles for Parents - Got Any?

10/18/2022

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Children are like sunsets, they are all beautiful in their own way!

Being a parent is like going to school. When you do your best, good things are likely to happen, even though you barely got through some subjects. You may not get straight A’s, but with hard work and dedication, you graduate.

As a dad, I made many mistakes! I sometimes over-punished. I occasionally let things slide that I shouldn’t have. I missed some important events and many times I was not tuned in to the needs of my children. You, no doubt, are just as guilty.

You may often fail in the day-to-day life of a parent. But what is your overall philosophy, your guiding principles of parenting? It is when those philosophies are wrong that you have a real issues in being a parent. The little day to day mistakes you may make reveal we are just human.

Let me guess. You haven’t really formulated guiding principles? As a young parent, I certainly did not. But I wish I had! Unfortunately, not many moms or dads think this parenting thing through. Even so, we all have parenting tendencies. For instance:

Do you let them be who they are?

    They all have their own personality. Let them be comfortable in their own skin.

Are you there for them when they need you?

    Sometimes being there for them means not helping them. Your children need to face certain things on their own to grow.

Do you really know them?

        If you have more than one child, you have to tailor your parenting to their needs and personality. Each child is equal but different.

Do you inspire them?

        Support their passions. Encourage imagination. Provide opportunities to grow.

Do you encourage important values?

        Respect for others, kindness, honesty, self-reliance are some important values to emphasize.

Are you a good example?

Children will watch you more closely than listen to you!

If you answer YES to all the principles above, then your day-to-day mistakes will have little impact on your success as a parent and you will most likely "graduate". There are no guarantees, but if you pay attention to your guiding principles and control what you can control, you've done your job and your children will be given their best chance to succeed!

Not every day of parenting is successful, not every decision is a good one. Yet, when your children think back, I hope they will see you as inspiring and beautiful...like Sunrises and sunsets!

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