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Excerpt #3 from ‘The Power of Dadhood’ - 7 Characteristics

6/8/2020

This week is the third of four weeks, leading up to ‘Father’s Day’. In this excerpt from my mentoring book, “The Power of Dadhood”, is an appendix that summarizes the qualities of a good dad. We can’t be perfect, but we can walk and talk towards that goal. That alone should be enough to raise healthy children, both physically and mentally.

Men who become fathers bring on a significant but satisfying responsibility into their lives. That is true for all. What is different among men is their background, temperament, health, their relationship with the mother, the relationship these men had with their parents, their occupations, the personalities of their children, and so much more. These variations bring on countless combinations of issues and challenges. What father among us has all the answers? Certainly not me, but I do discuss those challenges in a way to allow each father to find a better answer for himself and his family.

This book is easy to read, has simple but effective advice, and talks down to no one. I know it will help your family!

APPENDIX A to 'THE POWER OF DADHOOD'

As we have all witnessed, being a successful father is not an easy task! It’s complicated because you’ll find yourself asking, “What are the answers?” when the answers are unique to every dad and every child. Instead of answers, you can best rely on developing proven characteristics that, in one form or another, we have discussed in this book.

Although there are many, below are the characteristics I believe are the most important in being the best dad you can be. But none of these characteristics alone are sufficient, and sometimes not even beneficial, if not balanced with other important characteristics.

Be Involved. Be involved from the moment of your children’s births. You are a parent, not a figurehead. Be there for important events. Be available when they need support. Be strong for them when they are afraid. Be careful to consider your children when you prioritize your life events. Be a listener!

Be Principled. You are being watched by your children. They assume you are the model they should follow. You must have personal values that will guide them in the right direction. Be honest. Be moral. Be sure you have rules and limits.

Be Consistent. Be reliable. Be a rock. Do what you say and say what you’ll do. When you set goals and limits for your children, there should be rewards and consequences reinforcing them, as appropriate. If you’re not consistent with your children, you will confuse them. Explain the reasons and situations that may require you to relax or tighten the rules. This keeps your children involved and informed, and avoids misunderstandings.

Be Loving. Be gentle. Be kind. Be understanding. Be protective. Give hugs and pats on the back. Give them your complete attention on occasion—especially when they need it. Sympathize when appropriate but show your concerns about improper behavior. That is also love.

Be Fun. Be a jokester, but don’t force it. Surprise your children with occasional treats and adventures. Smile. Do crazy things—like balancing a broom on your nose. Play catch. Pretend with them. Have a tea party. Tease them in a kind, not demeaning, way. Know and be kind to their friends.

Be Balanced. The glue that makes all the other “be”s work is to be balanced. Be involved but not too involved. Be principled but don’t be preachy. Be consistent but not inflexible. Be loving, but don’t be a pushover. Be fun but be respected. Know your own limits. You cannot be consistent if you don’t have principles. You can’t be loving or fun if you are not involved.

Be Passionate. Being passionate about being a dad comes naturally to some men—but not to all. If you don’t have a natural passion for fatherhood, then be passionate about reviewing this list of characteristics and thinking about how you can apply them. A father that has to work at being a dad can be a bigger hero for his children than those for which fathering comes easily.

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What Every Dad Should Teach His Kid

6/4/2020

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Excerpt #2 from ‘The Power of Dadhood’

6/1/2020

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This is the second of four weeks, leading up to ‘Father’s Day’. I will be publishing excerpts from my mentoring book, “The Power of Dadhood”. I hope by doing so, the reader will understand this is book is easy to read, has simple but effective advice, and talks down to no one. I know it will help your family!

Repeating from last week. Men who become fathers bring on a large but satisfying responsibility into their lives. That is true for all. What is different among men is their background, temperament, health, their relationship with the mother, the relationship these men had with their parents, their occupations, the personalities of their children, and so much more. These variations bring on countless combinations of issues and challenges. What father among us has all the answers? Certainly not me, but I do discuss those challenges in a way to allow each father to find a better answer for himself and his family.

Excerpt #2: From Chapter 10 “Building Strong Children” pages 159 - 162

Will your Help Make Them Stronger or Weaker?

When your kids need or request your help, it is critical to recognize the impact of your reaction. Consider when it’s a good idea to help them or why they need the help. To help you decide, ask yourself this question: “If I help them, will it make them stronger or weaker?” You don’t have to get analytical; just being aware of this question will help you do the right thing. Sometimes you may be helping them too much, and other times not enough. How do we know unless we look at how it impacts them? Let’s look at the following scenarios as a male child grows up.

A Dad has an eleven-month-old boy learning to walk. The Dad helps him by letting the child hold his fingers while the child waddles along. Obviously, the Dad is making him stronger by exercising his legs and giving him some confidence and a sense of adventure. Later, the Dad doesn’t let his child hold on. He stands a couple of feet away and encourages his son to come to him. Now he’s helping his boy by teaching him confidence. At first, Dad’s helping makes the child stronger; later, Dad’s not helping makes him stronger.

When the child is in elementary school and asks his Dad for help with homework, of course the Dad responds. The father is helping when he explains concepts and methods to help his youngster understand. This makes his son stronger, smarter, and more confident. But if the Dad is doing the homework for him, he is not helping and is making his son weaker and dependent. His son may feel overloaded and frustrated trying to do it himself, but that’s good training for adulthood. It’s better to write his teacher a note stating you observed him working hard, but he didn’t have time to finish. The teacher may need to know this.

The son is now sixteen and gets his first speeding ticket. He’s upset, the Dad’s upset, and the Dad may lecture him or listen to his excuses. But the Dad is not helping by paying his son’s fine. Of course his son would think it would be a great help, but really it is making him weaker, or at least keeping him from getting stronger by learning responsibility. Children must learn to pay for their own mistakes. If they don’t have money or a job, then assign them some work around the house to pay off the loan.

Well, now the boy is almost a man. He has learned many lessons in life from his father, and it is time for him to go to college. Should the Dad pay for his education? This depends on many factors, including the Dad’s ability to afford it.
You should pay as much as is reasonable for your child’s education. But what is considered reasonable? Beyond a parent’s ability to pay is determining the real-world lessons that child may need to experience. Your children will need to know how to handle money, deal with pressure and stress, and balance their time. Placing some burden—financial, in this case—on them to deal with may be a good thing. Only involved parents will know how their child will react to too little or too much help.

An education makes anyone stronger and more independent. It’s a gift your son or daughter will hopefully pass on to their children. I’ve told my son and two daughters not to expect an inheritance. They needed my help when they were young, had no money, and needed to find a way to earn a living on their own. So my children’s inheritance came early in the form of teaching them self-reliance and my paying for their college education. Hopefully, they will still get an inheritance, but I’m not scrimping on my life to give them money they haven’t earned and probably won’t need if I’ve raised them correctly.

The child is now an adult, college educated, and asks the Dad for a loan. Now it gets more complicated. If it were you, would you give him a loan? Is it for a good reason? Will he pay you back? Are you able to do it? If you can do it, it comes back to the question, “Will this make him stronger or weaker?” If my son were asking, I would help if I could, but I would be sure to have him pay it back. You can always give him a gift, but that should always be your original idea and not a situation where you’re letting him off the hook. And if he is unwise in his purchase (too large a home or too fancy a car), I would try to give him advice and help him not get into debt.

Things You Should Teach Your Children Early

Every child has varying strengths and weaknesses. As their father, you should know them. As an adult, you have already experienced success and failure. Knowing your children and your life experiences puts you in a special place to guide your children to become strong, confident people. While I had a strength in determination, I had many areas where I needed support. Having a more engaged father would have tremendously helped me to learn the following things much earlier than I did.

I am not alone in having fears.
Facing fear will dissolve it.
No one else is any better than me (“better at,” maybe, but “better than,” no).
Mistakes are okay. (Caveat: Knowingly doing wrong is not a mistake.)
You can’t wait for others to move forward.
You always have choices (this was a big one for me).
Character and integrity are vitally important.
Develop the joy and beauty of imagination. (With his stories of travel, my dad did help me with this.)
Decisions made for security are not the same decisions you would make for freedom (growth).

» For example, determining to run a lemonade stand is a choice for freedom, but deciding you are too shy to sell lemonade is a choice for security. Similarly, going to college in your hometown is a secure choice, while enrolling in a school across the country is a choice for freedom.

Be a father who has a simple plan to listen to and learn about his children, who has a philosophy to teach his children about how life should be lived.

Building Strong Sons and Daughters

Building strong sons and daughters is difficult, demanding, and highly rewarding. It certainly takes effort and caring to do it in a way that will work best for each of your children. They are all different in temperament and ability. One important difference lies in your child’s gender. Boys and girls have different, gender-specific needs, and as Dads we must be sensitive to those needs. We will discuss this in the next chapter.

Excerpt #3: Next week - "The Seven Characteristics of a Successful Father"

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Excerpt #1 from ‘The Power of Dadhood’

5/25/2020

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For the next four weeks, leading up to ‘Father’s Day,’ I will be publishing excerpts from my mentoring book, “The Power of Dadhood.” I hope by doing so, the reader will understand this book is easy to read, has simple but effective advice, and talks down to no one. I know it will help your family!

Men who become fathers bring on a large but satisfying responsibility into their lives. That is true for all. What is different among men is their background, temperament, health, their relationship with the mother, the relationship these men had with their parents, their occupations, the personalities of their children, and so much more. These variations bring on countless combinations of issues and challenges. What father among us has all the answers? Certainly not me, but I do discuss those challenges in a way to allow each father to find a better answer for himself and his family.

Excerpt #1: from pages 5-7 of, The Power of Dadhood

MEN AS FATHERS

“I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.”
—Sigmund Freud

There are too many men who procreate but never earn the title of “Dad.” The word father to them is a label, not a commitment. They don’t want the responsibility of a child, and they blame others for their predicament.

There are other men who meet their parental responsibilities by providing food, clothing, shelter, and discipline. They do this robotically without much emotion or interplay.

There are others still who provide the basics while also creating a warm, loving atmosphere. Likely, most fathers fall into this category. However, at the top of the pyramid are those men who not only provide for their children within a loving atmosphere, but also nurture, praise, and teach their children—throughout their lives. These men are heroes to their children and are among the most stalwart pillars of our society. Their contributions are often hidden. We do not conceive of what may have happened without them, and they are rarely celebrated. But statistically, we can and will see what loving, nurturing fathers have done and will continue to do for both children and our society.

WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A REAL DAD

A Dad does not need to be handsome, strong, athletic, macho, rich, eloquent, college educated, or even married to the child’s mother, as is often the situation. Although many men want to be these things, such characteristics don’t make a man a Man or a father a Dad.

A Dad does need to be loving, available, caring, interested, and involved, as well as a nurturing teacher, disciplinarian, coach, cheerleader, and so much more.

Many men would like to be handsome, rich, eloquent, and more, as would I, but these traits should never come as a substitute for qualities that make them real Dads. We’ve all known men who were shams, showing a jovial and interested face to the world but a sullen, unengaged, and even surly face to his family. The sham father is just a house of cards, big on appearances but otherwise sorely lacking. The real Dad has a solid foundation as a leader and mentor—with a greater likelihood of entering that zone of being a wonderful Dad.

I say this to my fellow men: you don’t create children to fulfill your own vision, but you do create opportunities for them to discover themselves so they can become happy and at ease with themselves.
Being a father is not a competition. It constitutes selfless, loving acts toward other human beings—human beings that you and their mother have brought into this world.

THE POSITIVE IMPACTS OF GOOD FATHERING

I contend, without any hesitation, that if every father in this country, working cooperatively with a positive, responsible mother, were to consider and successfully apply responsible parenting principles and values:

incidents of crime and hate would plummet remarkably.
personal success and general happiness would increase.
mental health issues would be greatly reduced.

But the seventeen-year-old father who can barely take care of himself, or the new thirty-two-year-old father who has lived a mostly selfish single life, or the businessman who has been too busy to really pay attention to his kids—these men and other fathers don’t necessarily need to concern themselves with the greater societal good so much as they need to make honest efforts at being the best fathers they can be. Society will then take care of itself.

So whether these claims of a better society are bold or obvious, we know that improving the participation and skills of all fathers will certainly be good for our children. This is our goal. This is the potential of the power of fatherhood.

Next week will be another excerpt. Thanks for reading, and never forget the #powerofdadhood !

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An Ideal American Family?

5/18/2020

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photo by the author

We all can admit that a perfect family doesn’t exist. Being human makes that an impossible ideal. Beyond that, what may be perfect in one family is not so in another. But is there an ideal family that most can agree to, not perfect but desirable? Not likely, but it is something to discuss.

I’d like to explore one vision of the American family in which the success of the children is most likely to occur. Many, but not all, believe it is a situation for which all families should strive to thrive. Before I go on, some caveats. Any child raised in a loving, nurturing atmosphere is a fortunate child. I respect and champion the efforts of single parents whose burdens are doubled. And caring, compassionate, adoptive parents, including same-sex parents, who are particular heroes when they pull a child out of an institution and into a loving home. Single and adoptive parenting is a result of situations out of the child’s control. But if all else were equal and a child did have a voice, would they not want their natural mother and father to raise them?

Of course, we must assume the natural parents to be loving, kind, and capable. I could stop right there! What else could we ask for our children? But not all parents have each of these characteristics. Even capable parents must also be loving, or there will be an emotional void.

Birth parents or not, what is best for children is living and working together to raise them. These parents would have some knowledge of parenting techniques through reading, observation, and mentoring from others. They would treat all their children fairly, but not the same, for all children have differing needs. They would know when to help their children and when to leave them to their own solutions, allowing them to get stronger, not weaker. They would listen to their children, but not be controlled or fooled by them. They would let their children be free to explore, but with a very watchful eye. Parental rules would be fair and explained but consistently adhered to until circumstances required the rules to change.

These parents would be fun but not pushovers, involved in all aspects of their kids’ lives, but not obtrusive. They would have moral standards demonstrated by how they acted and reacted to daily life -know their children are watching. Their love for their children would be clearly demonstrated, and expectations for their behavior clearly defined. Both mother and father would be nurturing - preparing them to be responsible adults.

The father would be a kind man, one his daughters look up to as a standard for other men to treat them. He is also the male role model his sons need. The mother is the glue that keeps the family together, both a female role model and the feminine touch all children need. Although not always practical, or even desirable for some couples, it would be beneficial if one parent could stay home with the children until all were in elementary school. Both of these parents would be educated, at least through high school. Ideally, both the father and mother were raised in healthy atmospheres themselves, both having their parents as male and female role models.

Unfortunately, this is a fairy tale for too many families. When I propose this kind of family, I occasionally get pushback, maybe because it is a fairy tale for some. Perhaps it is too idealistic for others, but why reach for anything less? Other parents think I’m taking unwelcomed shots at them. Single mothers often chase the fathers away even when the father wants to be involved - and maybe there is a good reason for her, but often not for the child. There are fathers, like mine, who ignore their parental responsibilities out of fear, obstruction, lack of confidence, or selfishness. Same-sex parents think I’m against them, which isn’t true. They may be the best parents for which that child could ever hope. But when parents are of the same sex/gender, they should consider having their child exposed to a trusted and willing friend opposite their sex, necessary for their child’s identity. (Note: As a boy raised mostly around women. I believe it contributed to a lack confidence around other males for many years.)

Summary

Most parents do their best to raise their children with the resources they have. There are times when parents make bad decisions that adversely impact their children. Sometimes there are no good choices from which to choose. But there are always opportunities to be the best parent(s) possible starting at the moment you realize something must change.

First, and most importantly, it takes awareness of the situation. Then it takes reflection, research, and looking for help. Lastly, it takes total commitment, working towards but not expecting the ideal. The ideal being an environment of love, splashes of fun, principles of expected behavior, a hallmark of consistency, genuine, sincere involvement, balance in all things, and a deep passion towards parenting. Nothing said here is dependent on the description of the parents, just parental characteristics. When parents pass that environment down to their children, it makes it so much easier for them to do the same. Good luck!

#powerofdadhood

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Kids Need a Wingman and a Parachute Packer

5/11/2020

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In the Cold War, I flew the B-52 Stratofortress, a nuclear equipped bomber. If attacked, requiring the United States to strike back at our aggressor, we would have been the first to go. We were, so to speak, the tip of the spear. But that tip would go nowhere without the long solid shaft that allowed that spear to be carried forward. Maintenance, security, supply, transportation, food services, fueling, trainers, medical, and life support, all these, and those I may have regretfully not included, were the shaft. With any one of those support areas missing, the shaft would be broken, and the tip of the spear totally worthless.

During the Cold War, there was also a 'Hot' war in Southeast Asia where lives were lost and saved. The following is a true story of the teamwork that typifies the actions necessary to complete any mission—two teammates who met many years later that didn't even know each other personally.

Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience!
One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said,' You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down.

'How in the world did you know that?' asked Plumb.

'I packed your parachute,' the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, 'I guess it worked!'

Plumb assured him, 'It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today.

Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, 'I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat; a bib in the back; and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how are you?' or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor.' Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know.

Now, Plumb asks his audience, 'Who's packing your parachute?' Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory - he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute. He called on all these supports before reaching safety.

Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your parachutes.

I am sending you this as my way of thanking you for your part in packing my parachute. And I hope you will send it on to those who have helped pack yours!

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word to us. Maybe this could explain it! When you are busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do - you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.

So, my friend, the next time when you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

So dear friends, we are just helping you pack your parachute and thank each of you way have helped us pack our parachute.

The lesson here is of unsung heroes! Families succeed because of unsung heroes. When a man or woman has a child, they must think of that child as the tip of a spear, not for war, but for their struggle entering a world in which they must survive. A mom, dad, and siblings are the shaft that makes their struggle more or less difficult. Like the true story above, parents must provide the means to survive when hard times come about, as they always seem to do. Be the one that packs their parachute – a parachute that just might save them, allowing them to try another day because failure will come as one reaches for higher goals.

Another analogy from military aviation is to have one cover your 'six,' meaning to watch your back. That was the job of a wingman in the military. Your kids need a wingman too! Just out of sight, but watching closely, looking for threats!

#powerofdadhood

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Teen Pregnancies and ‘The Power of Dadhood’

5/4/2020

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Photo by author

I think we know how and why teenagers have babies. The question is, how can we prevent teens from having babies? This phenomenon is certainly not against the law, and, for some, it’s not an issue. But by in large, teens having babies is problematic. In teen births, it is common for the father not to be involved for reasons I won’t get into here. Also, as you might guess, the parent(s) financial situation is rarely good. And among many other issues, the parents are often too immature to raise children properly. Admittedly, this can also apply to older parents, but not as commonly.

My extended family has a thread (lineal consanguinity) of five generations of teen parents beginning with my grandmother (and possibly prior). A common issue for each generation of teen parents in my family is a lack of fatherly love and involvement for that teen parent - including my grandmother and mother. This occurrence is one of the reasons I wrote, “The Power of Dadhood.”

Poverty, drugs, crime, mental issues, and a lack of self-esteem often impact teen parents and their offspring. These cruel consequences have affected one thread of my family’s history through every generation (except for crime and drugs, at least for most). Will a sixth-generation continue this trend? It likely will, for at least one thread and very possibly more.

Beyond a lack of fatherly attention, there are other causes of teen pregnancies, but I would place a lack of fatherly love and engagement at the top. I could go to the statistical analysis here, but I won’t (see the infogram below). Those following my blog the past six years know I have done that over and over. The connection of fatherless homes to these consequential statistics is staggering.

Here’s what I have seen personally on a positive note. While teen pregnancies are too common in my extended family, there many more threads in my family where fathers are involved. There is not one instance of teen pregnancy, not one when a father was loving and available. Not only that, but those families also remain in their fourth generation of childbearing, not yet into the fifth because of obvious reasons.

I was born when my mother was 17 years old, my brother, Steve when she was 19 years old. Both of us thankfully stopped the fatherless trend in our lineages. But my sisters were not as fortunate. It’s usually the daughters that suffer the most in the search for a reliable mate in this situation where male love is missing. As seen in the infogaphic, daughters without involved fathers are seven times more likely to be a teen mother.

Currently, my Mom has maybe five great-great-grandchildren (it’s difficult to keep track); all are in that lineal family thread of teen parents. The cause of teen pregnancy is clear and unmistakable in my family – absent or uninvolved fathers. The answer, at least one answer, is to teach every young man AND each teen mother to know the power a father holds when he brings a life into this world. That is the ‘Power of Dadhood!’ (Too often, it's the mother that blocks the father from being involved!)

There is no power of fatherhood that we can claim, not in the act itself. That power is given to us by God and nature through a sperm coming into contact with an egg. Dadhood comes about when a man contacts his child through love, attention, and nurturing. Every young man needs to know this power, the power of giving strength and beautiful beginnings to the following generations.

But when you don’t have a Dad around, how will you learn this power? Successful family lineal threads in our family came about when the fathers took on the responsibility, even as they learned Dadhood. The next generation is then less burdened, and continuing cycles of teen pregnancies are prevented.

I Emphasize!

A mother and a father involved in raising their children is the most effective way to prevent their children from having difficulties as adults. Being a teen parent is only one of those difficulties. The parents do not necessarily need to live together, but it helps.

When we let young men know how influential they are in the lives of their offspring – and give them the confidence and encouragement they need, new positive trends begin!

#powerofdadhood

Some stats on children without involved fathers

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My Password to Memories

4/27/2020

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The church steeples I meditated on as an 8-yr-old from street level. The building has been torn down.

Distant memory is like an out-of-focus photograph. “Is that Grandma in the background, or is it Aunt Jane?”
“I’m not sure, but that house is definitely on fire!”

People will argue whether that is Grandma or Aunt Jane even though some details don’t matter in the bigger picture. Unless, of course, one of them is suspected of arson.

I have a memory of sitting on a desk in a police station when I was a toddler. I had been found wandering around unattended, and while the police looked for my parents, I was sucking on a red lollipop. But was it red? It doesn’t matter really. But my mother says it was my brother who was lost at the police station. More important than whether it was me or my brother is the ‘fact’ that I had that memory, and it had some significance. Now that memory is more than 60 years old. Why have I clung to it, while I can’t remember what I did yesterday? It is interesting to me, but I will likely never know why.

My brothers and sisters are always recounting stories of things I did to them as their older brother. I often was in charge of them while my mother worked and my father was places unknown. Was I really that mean? I suppose I was because my only tool back then was fear, like a bear standing tall and fiercely growling. The real story may not be my lousy babysitting techniques, but the fact we were in that situation.

Some things are burned in your memory so deeply, you can recall every detail. At least that’s how it feels. I remember waking up very early as a nine-year-old looking out of the window at the pyramid shaped twin towers of a Polish church across I-70. The background was a pinkish-orange sky almost free of clouds. It was quiet, even with the highway next door. It must have been a Sunday. I remember that moment because it was so different than the chaos of living with five younger siblings. I didn’t know about meditation then, but I think that is what I was doing.

Memory is enhanced when it involves something out of the ordinary. My first train ride, my first kiss, my first jet solo, my wedding, the births of my children. I’ll never forget walking home from my job as a carhop at 17 years of age at 2 AM in the morning. There was a gravesite next to the road, high enough on a hill to see the silhouettes of gravestones against the moonlit fog. Already in a state of nervous anticipation, a pack of 3-4 dogs came charging upon me, snarling and barking at my heels! I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t outrun them so I stood steady as they circled, seeming to dare me. Fear! Eventually, I started taking small steps with them still at my heels. Finally, they became bored with me and left. What relief!

These are extraordinary events, easy to recall. But I also remember taking a photo of my first niece, maybe one-year-old, playing in clover over 47 years ago. It’s somewhere, but it is also in my head. Then there was the time I sat in Forest Park in St. Louis watching construction workers build a tall condo building across from its western border. I just sat there as a fourth-grader, mesmerized. I must have done things like that dozens of times, but that moment is stamped in my head. It was summer, the trees were full and waving in the breeze, and I sat on a hill alone, and watched. But I don’t remember my first day in high school or where I lived half my life. We moved often.

My memories as an adult are much more pleasant than my childhood, but I still struggle with my memory. I always have, so it’s not just my age. Because of that, I take a lot of photos, especially of family! Looking at older pictures, I am reminded, not just of the photo, but the day the photo was taken. That tells me that our brain is like a computer’s memory. I never want to forget the growing stages of my grandchildren. If I waited too long, I may forget. So I take photos.The info is there, you just need to know how to find it.

Photos are my password to memories.

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For Dads Only!

4/20/2020

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How are you holding up? It’s been a tough few weeks during the COVID-19 crisis. Hopefully, we are at the end of the beginning, and the beginning of the end is something we are looking forward to with great anticipation. Paychecks, escapes, and relationships are all being affected. One relationship that will be tested is our marriage and the strain of unintended circumstances.

If you’re stuck with your wife for days on end, it’s pleasant - at first. But we aren’t meant to be glued to each other. It’s like ice cream. I love ice cream, but it’s not good to eat a whole gallon. I will definitely want more ice cream, but not until the memory of that gallon has left my stomach. Don’t feel guilty! She feels the same way about you. Occasionally, absence does make the heart grow fonder, and time to one’s self is necessary, even for extroverts.

What happens is we become more familiar with our wives in ways we aren’t accustomed - being together a greater amount of time and at unfamiliar parts of the day. We see and hear things that are new to us.

I know I have had enough of watching doctors while in this Covid-19 disaster. I don’t mean Drs. Fauci and Birx, I mean Dr. Phil, Dr. Pimple Popper, and Dr. Oz. My wife, Kathy, loves these shows and they never end! “My 600 Pound Life”, “90 Day Fiancée”, “Say Yes to the Dress”. What a plethora of weirdos, puss, and ego. I don’t even have a baseball game to escape to.
I stopped watching ‘The View’ when Barbara Walters left. I never really tuned in anyway, but Kathy use to watch as I wandered the house. She still tunes in when I’m not around, but if she does while I’m home (and I’m always home these days), I’ll go into a sound proof room or go for a walk. I can handle Whoopi, but Joy Behar? If you want to know everything I knew when I had a Top Secret clearance, just put toothpicks on my eyelids and make me watch clips of Joy Behar with the sound up. Yikes!
Then there is the Kardashians! Sure, I’ll take peak at the poolside scenes, but what a load crap!
Besides TV, I see things I never saw before, like my wife’s real hair color, and people jumping off the sidewalk into traffic just because I’m walking towards them.
You’ll discover that when your wife wears makeup, it’s not for you! And she has no one to impress, so…
We males do like sex. That fact and ‘stay at home’ orders has driven our wives to be more honest. The “too busy”, or “I have a headache”, excuse is being replaced with a forceful, “not interested”! Fair enough.
I thought by being home it would at least save us money on shopping! But there is the dreaded Amazon at the touch of a few keys! And you don’t even get the house to yourself for a while!
Netflix, what to watch:

Man: What would you like to watch tonight?
Woman: I don’t mind, you decide.
Man: Ok.
Woman: No I don’t like that.
Man: Ok.
Woman: No, I don’t like that either.
Man (fake-smile): Sure, you choose...

Without buddies to talk to, I meditate on the world’s unanswered questions with my wife. But she still gets confused when I ask a rhetorical question.
- “How do the police handcuff a one-armed man?
- “How should I know?” she says. Open hand smashed against my forehead!
Kathy is reverting to being a mom to me. She used to ‘send me to my room’ by saying, “why don’t you go to see your mom or go play golf or something?” Now, it’s literally “go to any room I’m not in!”
"The endless ‘Honey-can-you-do-this?' list. I don't mind a few simple to-dos, but sometimes I’m in the middle of my own project or thoughts. But if I don’t move right now, I’m considered uncooperative and obstinate. “Love to help, but just a second, it’s my turn on ‘Words with Friends’!”
Where’d that come from? Guys, I think you know what I mean. It’s like a lightning strike on a clear day. Your wife, “You know what you did!” (NO! I don’t!) - You can see it in their face and hear it in their voice when something is bothering them. Should I ask and get it over with, because it will NOT go away. Or hide in my man cave and pray it’s not something I did? If you do ask and, miracle of miracles, it’s not you, don’t make the mistake of trying to fix it. Just bow your head, look sad, and tell her, “I’m here for you.”

There’s a lot of ‘tongue in cheek’ in what I am claiming. I’m not really criticizing my wife (in case she finds out), although I’m not above doing that. I’m describing real life among real people. If you are totally confused by any of this, welcome to earth, my alien friends!

We’ll come out of this ‘change in our lifestyle’ and, hopefully, no relationships will be damaged. Stress causes us to do things we wouldn’t otherwise do. Patience, understanding, and realizing you are no prize to be around either, will help the situation. For me, it could be much worse. I could be in isolation with Joy Behar! (I’m sure she’s a nice person, but “Take away my sharp objects!”)

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Mitsakes: We All Make Them!

4/13/2020

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Photo by the author

I went to the hospital a few weeks ago as an outpatient for a relatively minor issue. An attendant placed one of those plastic medical ID bracelets on my right wrist, the kind that couldn’t be pulled off by a John Deere tractor (but are easily removed with scissors). Every move I made, from the nurse escorting me in, then a technician taking x-rays, to the guy walking by with a white jacket, to the nice old lady checking me out of the hospital, asked for my name, date of birth and SSN as they looked at my plastic medical bracelet. Why be so careful?

According to a recent study by Johns Hopkins, more than 250,000 people in the United States die every year because of medical mistakes, making it the third leading cause of death after heart disease and cancer. It almost makes you want to stay home when sick, and not because of COVIS-19!

A few examples below:

Two men were mistakenly circumcised, while a woman had a lump removed from the wrong breast.
The wrong toe was amputated from one patient, and two women had biopsies taken from their cervix, rather than their colon.
Six women had their ovaries removed during botched hysterectomies, putting them into early menopause.
Figures also show that some patients had procedures intended for someone else, including laser eye surgery, lumbar punctures, and colonoscopies.
A two-year-old girl died during an operation when her anesthesiologist mistakenly gave her 20 times the anesthesia dose required. Tragic!

This information helps me to understand why the plastic medical wristband and constant questions have become routine.

Another area of caution is aviation. As a former military pilot it hurts me to say this, but 85% of aircraft accidents are caused by pilot error. I was lucky enough to not add to that statistic, but as a young civilian student pilot, I landed on the wrong runway in Vandalia, IL during a solo cross-country training flight. But hey, it was a smooth landing!

Don’t even get me started on politicians! They made the word ‘gaffe’ famous: wasted money, bridges to nowhere, scandals, etc.

What’s My Point?

Everyone makes mistakes! Even well-trained professionals make mistakes. No one is immune. I’m speaking mainly to parents and especially to dads (only because you are my target audience). Parental mistakes are something all moms and dads will experience over and over! Maybe you underestimated a problem your son has mentioned, or you have or overly punished your daughter for something because you were in a bad mood. Apologize! But be assured that your children will make more mistakes without you! The imperfect you is better than the missing you with very few exceptions.

What would we do if doctors, nurses, or airline pilots were not willing to take chances with life and death decisions!? There are risks in life, but we can’t move forward without taking them. Of course, we take actions to minimize those risks. The hospital wrist band symbolizes risk mitigation, as does pilot checklists and political advisors.

Our kids do not focus on the mistakes we make. They may notice, but they soon forget. What they know is how much we care! If you don’t care, or don’t show you care, that’s not a mistake - that is a devastating personality defect. But it is reversible with a little help and insight!

Parents can minimize mistakes by not assuming parenting comes easily or naturally, especially for men. Read, ask questions, talk with your spouse, listen, count to 10, give yourself timeouts, think first, and be a student of your kids. Parenting may seem like a side job to a busy parent, but it’s not! You will continue to make mistakes, but when you do, don’t beat yourself up! I’ve seen the statistics when dads are missing, (data on crime, drugs, teenaged births, poverty, mental health, etc.) Click on that link and be shocked! When dads are missing, it’s tragic! So be not afraid of making mistakes, and certainly never give up! Your children need you!

#powerofdadhood

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