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What You Heard was Not What I Said

4/6/2020

Photo: Michael Byron Smith

Or was it?

“The biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
~ George Bernard Shaw

Communication may become a more significant issue when we are cooped up for days on end with those we love during the COVID-19 crisis . Not because it happens more often, but because we may have less tolerance for it. Be patient with your family. Especially your children!

Miscommunication happens with your kids, your spouse, in the media/press, among co-workers, and elsewhere. Sometimes it’s the other person, and sometimes it’s you, or both. Maybe you misspoke, saying something you did not mean. Mostly, these misunderstandings are harmless, but they can cause many problems some of which are very serious. In critical or dangerous situations, parties are required to repeat an instruction. Pilots in the US Air Force, when switching control of their aircraft from one to the other, must confirm the transition. The first pilot, “You have the aircraft.” The second pilot, “I have the aircraft.” Only then can the first pilot release control.

How about a less critical but essential communication situation? How about within your family? Even the most loving of spouses can get annoyed with each other when they aren’t connecting at the same level. Then there are the kids! Being misunderstood is painful, especially for kids, because they often think they are doing something wrong or you are unfair. It can leave them feeling helpless, upset, impatient, and angry, especially at the person that’s not understanding them. Children can’t think like an adult, so adults have to think like a kid. The knowledge and ability to do that within your family will decrease misunderstandings.

Heidi Grant Halvorson, a social psychologist, says in her book, No One Understands You and What to Do About It, you are probably a terrible judge of how other people view you. Humans, she explains, are consistently poor judges of how other human beings view them. “We know when someone else is making a good impression, but we don’t know when we’re not doing it.” Stated otherwise, if others can make a bad impression or be unclear, so can you - without realizing it. In fact, one of the easiest ways to suffer the consequences of being misunderstood is to make the assumption that who you’re talking to knows what you know, feels what you feel, or is on the same page as you.

Here are some reasons why people misunderstand each other * It’s no wonder it happens so often!

Mood. Wow! A bad mood will always get in the way of good communication. Be honest about your mood and take responsibility by admitting your inability to communicate properly. I’m as guilty as anyone. If it can wait, let it wait!
Anger. This ties in with mood but can be much more disruptive and consequential.
Exhaustion. If you are tired, you’re not alert and may not be listening.
Hearing issues. This is a common problem. Unless tested, we may not notice when we lose hearing. To avoid embarrassment, we often answer as if we heard correctly.
Bias. Hearing only what you want to hear because you want to control and validate your belief.
Not listening. We are all guilty of this at times. It easy to do with children when they constantly need your attention.
Vocabulary. Know your audience and use language they understand. Unless they know you well, they may not admit they didn’t understand. Again, try to imagine what a five-year-old really wants.
Personality differences. Different personalities hear things differently because of sensitivities, attitude, openness, etc. Some people think deeply. Others sail on the surface.
Preoccupied. Sometimes you are in the middle of a correspondence, or an activity where you are concentrating on a task, or simply in deep thought. This is not listening less offensively.
Purposeful. We can be dishonest about what we hear or pretending we didn’t hear correctly or responding with double talk, purposely trying to confuse the other person.
Assuming. Asking, “Why did you do that?” when the other person doesn’t know what ‘that’ is.
Sarcasm. Men, especially, close friends, are sarcastic with each other. It’s kind of a brotherhood thing when done right. But you have to know the person to be sarcastic. Also, I believe men are more open to sarcasm more than women.
Tone. How you say something is as important as what you say. The wrong tone will almost always cause miscommunication.
Appearance. How you look when you talk (facial clues, body language, eyes) all speak as loudly as your voice
Where’s your head? What is the other person thinking? Similar to assuming, but more like being the same frame of mind as you. I say, “I love your jeans!” You hear, “I love your genes.”

Because there are so many ways to miscommunicate potentially causing undesired results, it’s wise to reassure those you respect and love on a higher level by taking pro-active steps.

Pre-emptive statements to minimize communication issues.

I will never say anything on purpose that sounds like I don’t love you.
Please feel free to ask questions.
I can’t hear well in noisy areas.
I’m not familiar with that topic.
Can I have your attention for a moment?
I’m tired. Can we talk in the morning?
Do you understand what I mean?
Can you repeat that?

Summary

There are enough problems in the world and within our families without creating unnecessary obstacles. Think about what you are saying and how you are listening. Remember never to overreact. Remember that saying sorry is always an appropriate thing to do when you have made a mistake. Remember that kids are kids. They are rambunctious, energetic, and immature. Give them some attention and be gentle. Remember to give time to yourself and to give yourself time to think. Give hugs after mistakes have been made.

#powerofdadhood

* My thoughts as a layman

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Prescriptions for Conquering the Challenge of Social Distancing

3/25/2020

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My granddaughters having lunch during homeschooling

Every disadvantage presents opportunities for finding good. Every difficulty has advantages within if you look for them. Concerning isolation or social distancing we have been provided unique opportunities. It could be a home project you could never get to before. Maybe you can find more time to get to know your kids better and what they are thinking. Perhaps you can organize your computer files or write your memoir.

I have some non-medical prescriptions to suggest that hopefully will help during the social distancing phase of the Covid-19 crisis.

Take a drive in the country. Better yet, go there and talk a walk through nature.
Keep informed, but do not watch the news 24-7.
Take advantage of binge-watching a series on TV. Escape is nice.
Home school your children. You will learn as much about them as they will learn from you.
Catch up with friends with dreaded social media. (Social media can be as good or bad as you want to make it)
Read a book or two!
Facetime friends and family
Write a journal. It may of interest to your grandkids when this is in the history books.
If you’re like me, you need to organize your photos.
Blow off the dust on those board games.
Take a course online. I’m watching a ‘Udemy’ course about Photoshop Elements.
Take a walk in your house if you can’t walk outside. It’s easy if you have a circular path or long hallway or a basement in your house.
Dance to Pandora, Spotify, iTunes, or your favorite radio station. Exercise and fun in one activity.
Videoconference with your grandparents, grandkids, or friends using Zoom or another service.
Do a puzzle using https://im-a-puzzle.com/
Use cardboard boxes with holes to play indoor golf with your kids. No drivers!
If you are alone, call somebody or talk to Alexa. (“Alexa, tell me some good news”)
Clean out your closets/garage!
Search for good Podcasts for you and your kids. There are tons! (e.g., Fun Kids Science Weekly )
Catch up on sleep, if possible. Nap when your kids nap, or just enjoy the quiet.
Think about and enjoy the spring weather! It should get better each week.
Do a coordinated drive-by for kids’ friends’ birthdays. Make signs, yell out your windows, and honk your horns! (Already happening in my neighborhood.)
Most good ideas come not from your education but letting your mind rest. Take advantage of the opportunity to push ‘everyday workday’ thoughts out of your head - those that generally take up most of your time.
Stop and think about what you are now missing and miss so you can be grateful when you get it back.

More importantly, the ideas this list provides is a prompt to use your imagination to make lemonade out of this lemon of a virus.

I’m hoping the COVID-19 crisis and requirements for family isolation will connect fathers, mothers, and children like never before. But with that comes the need for patience! Escape to a room to let off any tension you may find building up. Something to consider in advance!

Let’s get through this!
#powerofdadhood

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The Surprising Thing About Being a Father

3/23/2020

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With my daughter Rachel 12 years ago.

Success is wonderful and so satisfying, and most of us all strive for it. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and success doesn’t always come easily. One of the toughest, yet least prepared for, responsibilities in the world is parenting. We all fail at times. But just remember that failure means you care; while giving up means you don’t care. Your natural abilities have nothing to do with either.

That’s the surprising thing about being a father. You may not know how to change a diaper or say the right things at the right time. You may not be naturally funny or know how to talk to a kid comfortably. Your walls may not be adorned with awards and degrees. Athletic activities may not come naturally to you, or you can’t string two words together that make sense. None of those talents will make you a good father. I don’t deny that any of them can and do help, but they are the adornments. Here’s what is real!

Imagine a barely literate father, holding his toddler on his lap reading, in a halted manner, a children’s book. That’s a real dad! That’s Dadhood at its best.
A father may never change a diaper or get his kids off to school in the morning. He may be an over-the-road truck driver or has long hours as a store owner or a doctor. Maybe he just can’t handle the duty. Sure, that may be a weakness, but it doesn’t define his parenting. His eyes and heart do that.
Words may escape a father, but the right look or a hug can say everything! That’s Dadhood!
Humor is an excellent quality in parenting, but humor doesn’t necessarily mean funny. As much as anything, humor is an attempt to relieve tension. Trying and failing to be funny can be humorous. Dad’s do that a lot. It makes them real!
A saw a dad playing catch with his son in a park. The dad was so awkward at throwing; you could see he never played a sport. I was so proud of this dad! He was trying!
Not every father can or will write a letter or even a decent, loving text to their son or daughter. Many fathers seldom do. But here are two words you can string together, “I care!” You can stretch yourself and string three words together, “I love you!” How about four, “How are you doing?” Real dads do these things, and they don’t have to be Shakespeare.

The surprising thing about being a father is failure becomes irrelevant when he cares. His caring will make up for his shortcomings somehow. A father that gives up trying to be a real dad is a real failure, no matter how funny he is or how fast he can throw a ball or how smart he may be. Children may notice your talents, but they feel your caring nature. That realization and knowing it in your heart will grease the skids for a wonderful Dadhood! The #powerofdadhood is life-changing in the most literal sense!

Search #powerofdadhood on Twitter or Facebook for more.

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How to Improve the ‘Formula for Success’

3/16/2020

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Photo by author

We all know our children have different personalities. We also know some children have advantages others do not have. I’ll generalize their advantages/disadvantages as their environment. Lastly, both of these factors, ‘personality’ and ‘environment’, drive a child’s expectations. Those factors even drive an adult’s expectations. As parents, we have the responsibility to make their child’s environment as helpful to them as possible and to be aware of the factors of their personality. Here’s why. (Read the summary as a minimum!)

These are my thoughts on Success (S) and Personal Success (PS). I’m speaking from my background as an engineer, a former struggling child, and as a father of three awesome adults. So note, there is no Ph.D. to be found in my resume, just my observations as an interested party on the topic.
Success is an elusive thing to evaluate because it means different things with different criteria for everyone.

Environment (E) includes such things as family, friends, mentors, neighborhoods, schools, and accepted social standing. By ‘accepted social standing,’ I mean what an individual thinks there standing is despite what others may think it is.
Personality (P) includes, but not limited to, energy, desire, passion, intellect, goal seeking, attitude, ability to plan, introversion or extroversion, and perseverance.
Expectations (Ex) compare where you are aiming to where you end up

The relative influence of Environment vs. Personality differs for everyone, it is clear that when one factor is low, the other factor must be strong to achieve Success.

Note: Those who don’t like math can skip all the equations and read the words.

Success = Environment X Personality

Personal Success = (Environment X Personality)/Expectations, OR
PS = S/Ex

High expectations for your personal Success makes that Success more difficult to achieve. (e.g, a General, CEO, or a movie star)
Lower expectations for your personal Success makes that Success easier to achieve. (e.g., a Sergeant, middle manager, or supporting actor)

Three Examples of the Success Formula

Example 1: Low E, High P = High S, Average PS

A distracted single mother raises a young man with no fatherly influence. This young man’s environment rating would be low because of the family environment and a lack of mentoring. It could also be low value friends surround him.
On the other hand, this young man has a passion. He has the intellect and attitude to achieve his passion. His Personality rating would be high, and despite his low environment rating, his chance for Success is good!
His chances for personal Success (PS), in his judgment will depend on his meeting his top goal. He could be a success (S) as a Colonel but feel a lower personal success (PS) because his goal was General.

Example 2: High E, Low P = Low S, High PS

A young woman is brought up by loving and reasonable parents. She goes to good schools and has no social disadvantages. Her environment is high.

However, this young woman is self-centered and lazy. She doesn’t do her homework if she’s not interested in it and lives day-to-day.

Her chances for Success are not very high, but she could feel like she has personal Success as her expectations were low, never having a goal or desire to grow. She may be a sales associate when she could have been a manager or higher.

Example 3: High E, High P = High S, Average PS

I’ve only provided two examples of the multiple combinations of factors that result in a likelihood of Success (S) and personal Success (PS), but here is one more interesting example!

There is a wealthy and successful man whose name I don’t recall. He teaches entrepreneurial skills through his schools all across the world, helping thousands to become successful themselves. While his Success (S) is very high, he has a lower opinion of his Personal Success (PS), the reason being his extremely high expectations for himself. And why are his expectations so high? What is his standard? His roommate in college was Elon Musk. He compares himself to his roommate and not to someone like me.

Some successful people feel like failures because someone they respect has had more Success, or a loved one has demanded more Success from them. Neither instance should steal personal Success from them.

Summary

Success is really in the eye of the beholder. When that eye looks in the mirror, maybe Personal Success is more important, regardless of potential. We have choices and opportunities. Successful individuals make smart choices and are aware of the opportunities afforded them. If you are making a positive difference in the world, you are successful. If you enjoy that Success, then you are personally successful.

How to help:

Environment: parents have the responsibility to make their child’s environment as helpful to them as possible. Education, health, safety, encouragement, etc.
Personality: be aware of your child’s strengths and weaknesses. Encourage strength, give help with any weaknesses, and get them professional advice when necessary.
Expectations: This is a tricky one. A parent wants to encourage them to do their best. But don’t put pressure on them to overachieve because it will backfire. Everyone can be the best meeting their capabilities, but not everyone can be a rocket scientist, brain surgeon, or best-selling author.

Note: PS = S/Ex (no, I did not intend to have Sex in this article, but if it drives you to read it, okay!)

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Why You Shouldn’t Treat All Kids the Same

3/9/2020

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In my previous Helping Fathers to be Dads blog article, I published ‘A Dads Creed.’ One of the principles was ‘do not treat all your kids the same.’ I’d like to expand on that thought a bit because, on the surface, it seems like the right thing to do. However, the reason we don’t treat all kids the same is that they aren’t the same.

I would like to tell you about two families. In one family were three sisters who had irresponsible parents into drugs and alcohol. The girls had little guidance outside of their grandmother. All are now adults, except one who has recently died of heart failure at 45 years brought on by drug use. Her life was also one of irresponsibility, having children of her own out of wedlock but not raising them. Her older sister is also a drug abuser, living on a disability income due to her lifestyle. Her future remains bleak, having close calls with her health, all self-imposed. The youngest of the three took a completely different path. She chose responsibility for herself, went to college, and became a teacher. She is now happily married to a nice man, and they have beautiful children.

In the second family were three children, two boys, and a girl. This family appeared to be normal and responsible. The father was a coach for their sports teams, and the mom was lovely and caring. They even were kind to their children’s friends who were not so fortunate, taking them camping and to various activities at their expense. This family seemed to have many advantages doing the right things for their kids. However, the oldest boy was shot to death, being in a place he should not have been. The younger boy was deeply into drugs and died of an overdose at 40 years of age. The daughter’s life, while not perfect, did not get into the troubled her brothers did, but lives a lonely life.

Unpredictably, the youngest daughter of the first family succeeded despite her upbringing. Also unpredictable in the second family was the fate of the two boys, both failing in society and dying tragically. I don’t know if either set of parents treated all their children the same. I would guess they did – especially the first family, not giving proper attention to any of the three. The second family did many things right as parents, on the surface, but did they really know their children as individuals?

Of the six, the youngest girl in the first dysfunctional family was the most successful. Why? Some children indeed succeed in life despite serious disadvantages, while others fail while seemingly having a proper start in life. But that is not my point. I use these examples to explain that all parents should recognize that they are raising individuals. Sometimes you get lucky – sometimes you do not. It shouldn’t be left up to chance.

Some parenting techniques are well proven. My favorites are being involved in their children’s lives, being fun when appropriate, consistency, having principles, being loving, having some passion for parenting, and being balanced in all of those areas. But the balance is not between the children – treating them equally; it’s your balanced treatment of each child as an individual. Your involvement may need to be less (or more) depending on the child. Being consistent is your consistent treatment with each child – so they know what to expect from you. Your principles, love, and passion should be equal for all.

So why do we treat each child fairly but differently? Let’s tell it like it is;

Some kids need a push while some need to be reeled in.
Some kids are book smart, while some are smart in daily life.
Some kids are extroverts, while some are introverts.
Some kids are leaders, while some are followers.
Some kids have inborn principles, while others need more direction.
Some kids are over-active, while others are docile.
Some kids are sensitive, while others act tough.
Some kids are creative, while others are doers.
Some kids are loving, while some are more stand-offish.
Some kids are cute, while some are not as cute.
Some kids trust too little while others trust too much.
Some kids are lazy, while others get things done.
Some kids want attention, while others don’t want any.
Some kids are loveable more than others.
Some kids are open to learning, while others resist it.
Some kids are independent, while others are needier.

Many kids have aspects on both sides of the characteristics above. Most are one a sliding scale from left to right that often moves. All kids are a combination of these characteristics, and those combinations are in the multiples of thousands. The list above is why parenting is so tricky and should never be practiced casually or cavalierly. What you sincerely want to do is to treat all your children (and everyone) as fairly as you can. But you really won’t be doing that if you treat them all the same. Good luck!

#powerofdadhood

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A Dadhood Creed

3/2/2020

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Thoughts from "The Power of Dadhood"

I came across a famous quote by Rev. William J. H. Boetcke which has often been incorrectly attributed to President Abraham Lincoln. When I saw the quote, one of my favorites, it reminded me of the principles in my book on parenting, The Power of Dadhood. I thought it might work to summarize some of the principles in 'Dadhood' in a similar fashion to Rev. Boetcke's statements.

These 131 words will not be all you need to be a good parent. It would be akin to floating in the ocean and claiming you know everything about the sea. But if it makes you think, that's a good thing. For instance, you may consider treating all your children the same as a good thing. That's not the same as treating them all fairly. Every child is a separate human being with different needs. Some kids need to be pushed while others need to be pulled back. Disagreeing with anything in the creed should encourage you to delve more deeply into the topic.

Raising your children successfully, with principles, may not bring you fortune and fame, but it will give your children a great start in life and bring to you and your family a good name.

by Rev. William J. H. Boetcke

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25 Ways to Fail Your Children

2/24/2020

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Photo by the author

Funny thing. Successful people have the most failures in life. For instance, failure is a key in lifting weights. If you can't bench press 100 pounds, you try 75 pounds or lower until you succeed, working your way back to 100 pounds and more! Failure is an excellent tool for learning because of the tremendous feedback it provides.

However, some failures are difficult from which to recover, because the feedback comes much too late - if noticed at all. One failure that concerns me personally, and should concern everyone, is the failure of some parents to raise their children properly, particularly during their early years. See bad advice #23 below.

But you’re not off the hook when your child reaches kindergarten. There is so much fine-tuning to do. Kids learn more from what you do than what you say. So, with tongue deeply implanted in my cheek, here is advice on how to be a bad parent.

How to be a bad parent

Ignore who your children spend time with. They know what they’re doing.
Show them how easy it is to give up on dreams and projects. You know, like you did.
Be indecisive because something better may come along while you’re chillin’.
Make excuses for missing their ballgames, plays, dance recitals, etc. That will teach them how to make excuses themselves.
Dispel and discourage any passions they may have. You don’t want them to fail, do you? Besides, it may cost money to allow them to follow those passions!
Don’t introduce them to books or travel with them. When they tell you about fairies, princesses, superheroes, or having their super skills, let them know that stuff isn’t real. Those pretend tea-parties are such a bore!
Assume your kids’ hearing and eyesight are both perfect. They would tell you if it wasn’t. Wouldn’t they?
Argue with your spouse in front of them. That will teach them proper negotiation skills.
When your children get frustrated, tell them to just give up. It’s so much easier for them, and especially for you!
Don’t help them with schoolwork. If they can’t figure it out, your kids will learn to avoid that topic.
When your kids are afraid of something, keep them from it. Better yet, use those fears against them when they bother you.
Don’t be fun. Kids have friends for that. Your time is too valuable.
Change your mind about what they can and cannot do. Change the rules. That will keep them on their toes!
Don’t let your children look up to successful role models. Don’t they think you’re good enough!
Feed them fast food. It saves so much time, and your kids will love you more!
Respect their privacy on the computer and smartphones. It keeps them out of your hair.
Tell your child they’ll never amount to anything. That will inspire them to do the opposite, right?
If they are confident, let them know failure is just a stumble away.
Tell them not to stand out as a good example or to raise their hand in class. Other kids don’t like it when you make them look bad.
Tell them not to expect too much from life. Disappointment is SO disappointing!
Don’t restrict their behavior. Being disrespectful or ungrateful shows independence.
Don’t tell your children you love them. Of course, they know that because you let them do whatever they want to do.
When they are babies and toddlers, they won’t remember any nice things you did like holding them or reading to them. Save nice things for when they are older so you can get credit.
Make fun of others. Your kids will think you are clever.
Never challenge them to be better. Why make things more difficult for them?

Lastly and seriously, DON’T USE NEGATIVE LANGUAGE like this article! BE POSITIVE AND ENCOURAGING when talking to your children!

SARCASM IS JUST A TOOL FOR WRITING, NOT FOR RAISING CHILDREN.

Summary

Of course, the vast majority of parents do a great job. But possibly, SOME of us may be guilty (maybe without realizing it) of SOME of these 25 pieces of bad advice. Be there, be aware, and be fair!

#powerofdadhood

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“What, Me Worry?”

2/17/2020

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Alfred E. Neuman of "MAD Magazine"

The title is a quote from the fictional character, Alfred E. Neuman of MAD Magazine, characterized as a young man who you may assume, by his looks, was too dumb to worry. While I believe the ignorance of some things will keep you from worry, ignorance will also cause you to worry.

My wife, Kathy, asked me the other day, “What do you worry about?” She asked out of exasperation because she feels she has the burden of worry while I get off scot-free. That’s not fair in her mind. Well, it may not be fair - but that’s not my fault. Worry is an affliction that is allowed to happen.

I was not born immune to worry. I just got over it years ago because I had to change. As a kid, I worried about everything, and there was a lot to worry about. I worried about my father’s alcoholism, about our bills being paid, about school issues, about my parents when they argued, and about the bullies that lay in wait. As the oldest of six, I worried about my siblings and what they were getting into. My siblings, on the other hand, never seemed to worry about anything – so I knew what Kathy was thinking.

I didn’t get over my worry sickness until I was in my thirties. It took a severe case of unnecessary burdens and misplaced apprehension to bring me to the point of actually analyzing it. It’s all very simple, really, and I’ll get into that a bit - being a total layman. What is not simple is accepting the idea of not worrying, even more difficult for those who have naturally occurring anxiety issues, confidence issues, etc. However, I ask you remaining worriers to think about a few things.

One of the most important facts to consider is this essential point. Practicing suffering (in your imagination) will never ease any conceivable actual suffering! So why do it? You can place yourself or a loved one in the most horrible of imagined situations and some suffering will come. But that is not preparation, that’s insanity! Why would you do that to yourself? Would you ever hit yourself in the head with a hammer to see if you could live through it? If you did, and you survived, you would find that, 1) it’s never going to happen anyway and, 2) if it did, it would hurt just as much as the first time. Practice does not make perfect when it comes to suffering. It will not be easier for you.

If you are afraid of your child learning to drive because you worry about them being in an accident, those imaginations will not stop an accident from occurring. A better word than ‘worry’ is ‘concern.’ While a ‘worried’ person thinks of ‘bad’ things happening, a ‘concerned’ person thinks of ‘good’ things that will prevent those terrible things. Good things to do in this example is to demand the use of seat belts, having rules to follow when driving, certainly no drinking or texting, a driving safety course, etc. If you can do something about something that troubles you, do it! If not, let it pass on through and out of your consciousness.

Worry is frightening and exhausting while concern is being alert, resulting in preventive action. Remember that sentence when your child is sick or being bullied on the internet. The bulk of Kathy’s worries are regarding our grandchildren. The bulk of my concerns are regarding my grandchildren. Neither her worries nor my concerns involve anything that can’t be overcome by any of them. We’re just being grandparents. The difference is my concerns are addressed while Kathy’s worries keep her awake. As I wrote in “The Power of Dadhood’- “Prevention is easier than correction!” Concern, put it action, is prevention.

Some good quotes on ‘Worry’:

“Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything; it just messes with your mind and steals your happiness.”
“99% of the things you worry about don’t even happen.”
“The less you worry, the less complicated life becomes.”
“If the cost of worry is your peace, then it’s too expensive.”

The quotes above (and many versions thereof) are all anonymous. The reason for that, I believe, is because they are accurate and said by many wise people. We may be surprised by how many others would trade their troubles for ours. We look up because of envy, forgetting that others envy us.

What if?

So, you say to me, “I was worried about something, and it happened!” But what of it? Maybe you thought and worried enough for it to come about. Perhaps you should have taken action because of concern, but worry paralyzed you. Would the incident have happened without your worries? Most likely! Another word we should use in place of worry when appropriate is sorrow. When bad things do happen, worry did not prevent it or make it easier. Sorrow shouldn’t be wasted on worry; worry should be minimized as much as possible

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After 70 Years, This is My Most Important Thing!

2/10/2020

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Photo: Michael B. Smith

“Conquer the angry one by not getting angry; conquer the wicked by goodness; conquer the stingy by generosity, and the liar by speaking the truth.” Buddha

As I am about to turn 70 years old, I’d like to give my thoughts on what is important in life. As the author of a blog entitled “Helping Fathers to be Dads”, you may think I’m going to say ‘family’. Well, I could certainly go with that, but there is something higher that includes family. That something is balance!

Some think of balance as a static thing, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. You can be a potato chip eating, beer chuggin’ mass of humanity in an easy-chair and you will be in some balance. But not really. A healthy balance has a spectrum that changes continuously. Now there is an essential aspect of static balance as you swing from one thing to the next. That could be rest, reflection, or observation, but you won’t have much of a life spending too much time there.

I’ll start with ‘family’. I love my family more than anything! I spend my happiest times with my family and some of my toughest because our emotions are so closely tied to what is going on in their lives. Balance requires you to get away from your family on occasion. A lonely hike in the woods or reading a book in a café is a perfect balance to vacationing with family. On the other hand, I’ll spend two or three days alone at my farmhouse and be full of anxiety to see my wife, kids and grandkids. Balance!

Living in the Midwest, we aren’t known for beautiful weather days on end, but I find we appreciate 75 degrees and blue skies more than most living in San Diego. It’s ’balance’ that does that for us. Winter makes Spring glorious! Summer makes Autumn so refreshing. I love sunshine! But if I get two weeks of sunshine, a rain shower is most welcomed. Three days of clouds and I’m screaming for the sun. Not everyone will agree with me on this. That’s because everyone’s balance is different – but balance is essential for everyone.

Habits are the enemy of balance keeping us from new places and experiences. I have known people who are such exercise freaks; they go crazy if a commitment may interfere with their weightlifting or Zumba routine. Smoking, excessive drinking, video game addiction, or any addiction will throw you in a state of imbalance. Drugs are an extreme example of a habit that throws any balance in life out the window.

Nature is an expert in balance, always managing to find its way back towards stability. Often this balancing act is difficult to recognize because nature’s clock has a much slower tick than we humans do. Droughts, floods, and earthquakes are all transitions back to balance. There is no doubt that nature is always seeking balance - and without regard to the human race.

Balance in Dadhood

I wrote an article for the ‘National Fatherhood Initiative’ in December 2013 called “The Seven BEs of a Successful Dad”. One of the ‘BE’s was BALANCE, suggesting the other six “BE’s must have balance with each other and within each to be effective. I invite you to read or reread this article if you are a dad or a mom!

‘Be involved but not too involved. Be principled, but don’t be preachy. Be consistent but not inflexible. Be loving, but don’t be a pushover. Be fun but be respected. Know your own limits. You cannot be consistent if you don’t have principles. You can’t be loving or fun if you are not involved.’

What will take you out of balance?

I’ve noticed some things which I have allowed to get me out of balance. Those include:

Being misunderstood or not understanding others
Not getting time to myself when I need it or being alone too long
Placing too much attention on others or placing too much time on myself
Too much work or too much play
Being rushed or having to wait
Needing control or being controlled
Challenging myself too much or feeling like I’m wasting opportunities
Lastly, being around other people who are, themselves, out of balance

What I notice is all of those things are in my control, the extremes and everything in the middle. Sure, others contribute, but I am are the only one that can fix me (perhaps with a little therapy).

Summary

In my mind, balance in life is moving away from something towards its opposite when that something no longer feels right or is no longer satisfying. Some things you can control and somethings you can’t control. Accept them.

And remember the Serenity Prayer!

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