Category: Children

Remembering the Joy of Family!

7/13/2020

Family life is a potpourri of ups and downs, good and bad, joy and disappointments. Amazingly, however, we can filter out the bad, wrap it up and toss it out like yesterday’s leftovers – at least most of the time! What we must hang onto are the good times, the memories that make us smile, and the love that revolves around us. I find it amazing how much I have forgotten when I look back on photos and videos that define beautiful moments than often cannot be duplicated, for our children continue to grow, and we age.

With that said, get out your smart phone and use it to record your life with family. Unlike the past, we don’t have to carry a heavy phone around – or forget the little pocket camera that has film in it from 1986. That one extra step of developing your Kodachrome kept many memories from being shared. No longer!

Take as many photos and videos as you like. Pick the best of the best and delete the rest. Make collages or movies. It’s fun and simple! I use iMovie for simple things (it’s free). I use Movavi Video Editor for more complex projects. It’s very flexible allowing your personality to show through. You can add music, dramatic effects, voice-overs. and comments, etc.

Below is a video of numerous photos and movie clips I’ve taken over the years of my family using Movavi. I added an awesome song by ‘Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors’ entitled “FAMILY” and matched our family photos to the words. It is now a treasured keepsake and will be watched for years, including the children of my grandchildren!

ENJOY! And remember the #powerofdadhood

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Do You Know Your Kids?

7/6/2020

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Of course, you know your children. You likely know most of what they think, feel, or believe when they are preteens, but that knowledge declines as they age. Can I prove that? Do I need to prove it?

As your children grow, they become their own person. That’s what we all want. However, if you care for them, you should keep in touch with what they are learning outside the home. As your influence as a parent decreases, influence from others increases. On its own, that is neither good nor bad. Everything they learn will not come from you. That’s natural. On the other hand, some things they learn could be harmful to them or your relationship with them.

Let’s look at three tough situations:

Example One:

A boy is raised in a racist home. He hears things that tend to make him believe his parents’ prejudiced views. This boy escapes home and learns from others the evils of racism and changes his thoughts on the topic. He is now uncomfortable in the presence of his parents. They notice a change in him but don’t know why. Can they have a civil discussion?

Example Two:

A girl is raised to believe America, with all its faults, is a wonderful place to be a citizen. Since evil exists in the world, nowhere is perfect, but your best chances in life are within the borders of the US. This girl goes to college and hears from professors that America is an unfair country backed up with countless facts and incidents that prove it. She wonders why her parents ‘lied’ to her. Why are they so far behind the ‘truth’? Do her parents know what is going on with her?

Example Three:

An eighteen-year-old daughter of a pro-life couple becomes pregnant. She doesn’t want them to know of her unplanned pregnancy. Her friends tell an abortion is a way out. Do the parents have any idea of her possible actions or the influence of her friends? Would the parents help her to make her own decision? Do they trust each other?

The answers to those three examples depend on those involved and their relationships to all concerned. But being open, trusting, and communicative at all times may prevent any of these situations from getting out of hand.

When I ask, "do you know your children?", that’s not asking, “do you control them?” We should not control our children, but we should guide them and be engaged with them as they grow into adults. They will be inundated with information from friends, schools, social media, and the entertainment industry, etc. and, therefore, less and less by you. Understand what they are hearing and believing, not to change them or yourselves necessarily, but to give everyone a chance to be understood.

There are almost always partial truths to every argument, and they can clash. Explore every facet of those arguments. Communication is the key, and it works best when the conversation begins early - before the distance between your separate beliefs become non-negotiable. It could very well be that through communication, you can bring each other closer to an area of compromise where all can better understand each position. Rarely is there 100% right or wrong on either side.

It’s tough to be accused by your children of having taught them improperly or to have a position on a topic they consider wrong. It’s tough for children to accused of having been influenced or brainwashed by people with an opposing agenda. Neither accusation will happen to the degree of a strained relationship if both parties don’t drift too far apart.

Talk, listen, and ask questions. If you do not, your future relationships will be compromised.

#powerofdadhood

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Top Tips for Keeping Your Kids Safer in the Pool

6/30/2020

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Beyond love and nurturing, the main duty of a parent is to keep their children safe! Due to COVID-19 stay-at-home orders and warmer temperatures, families are starting to get out and enjoy their outdoor spaces. This includes opening up pools for swimming. That’s why now is the perfect time to reiterate the rules of pool safety, especially for parents.

Thanks to safetytoday.org for this life saving information!

As a parent, you know that swimming pools are equal parts fun and dangerous. While your kids are focused on the fun part, you’re usually left worrying about safety. And rightfully so. Pools can be a dangerous place, even for experienced swimmers. However, there are lots of ways that you can make the backyard swimming pool a much safer place for your family.

Teaching Your Kids the Basics

No matter how safe the pool itself is, you have to make sure your kids know how to be safe in the water. These are a few things to teach your kids.

Slowly introduce your kids to different techniques so they can learn at their own pace.
Cover basics like getting in the pool safely, treading water, and floating on your back.
Help your kids get comfortable being underwater so they know what to do.
Facing fear is important for becoming a confident swimmer, but don’t push too hard.
If you’re not comfortable teaching your kids yourself, swim lessons are always an option.

Securing the Pool

Pools pose a variety of dangers, but there are many things you can do to reduce the risk. Consider these precautions when getting your pool ready for the season.

Assess the normal wear and tear of your pool and do repairs or maintenance if needed.
Get a pool safety fence, cover, or net to keep kids from entering the water unattended.
Set up a comfortable spot by the pool where you can supervise your kids as they swim.
Make sure your pool chemicals are stored safely.

Staying Safe in the Water

Securing your pool and teaching your kids the basics is just part of the equation. These tips can make each swimming session safer.

Make sure everyone knows and follows the pool rules.
Check pool toys before each use to make sure they’re clean and in good shape.
Keep in mind that while float toys are fun, they’re not designed to be lifesaving devices.
Review the signs of drowning and make sure you know what to do.

Pools can be a source of stress when you’re a parent, despite the fact that they provide endless fun for kids while also getting them off the couch. Taking precautions such as teaching your kids to swim safely, putting up a fence, and making sure your kids have safe water toys will help minimize the risk.

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"The Power of Dadhood" - A Self-Evaluation (Last of 4 Excerpts)

6/15/2020

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This is the fourth and last of four weeks of excerpts from “The Power of Dadhood” leading up to ‘Father’s Day’. The other three excerpts are available on my website.

Fathers who take care of and raise responsible children with their mothers are the quiet and most important heroes of our society.

Men who become fathers bring on a large but satisfying responsibility into their lives. That is true for all. What is different among men is their background, temperament, health, their relationship with the mother, the relationship these men had with their parents, their occupations, the personalities of their children, and so much more. These variations bring on countless combinations of issues and challenges. What father among us has all the answers? Certainly not me, but I do discuss those challenges in a way to allow each father to find a better answer for himself and his family.

By the way, this is the fifth annual publication of the Dad's Checklist. I hope you are back next year.

Appendix B: A Dad’s Self-inspection Checklist

I was in the military for twenty-nine years and a father for twenty-five of those years. In the military, we were constantly inspected by our superiors against strict standards. To be ready for these inspections, and to ensure that we were in compliance, we developed “self-inspection” checklists. Now that I write about fatherhood, I thought, why not have a self-inspection checklist for fathers? Often, we don’t really know or think about what it is we could improve upon as dads. While you are not likely to be inspected on your parenting skills, you do want to be the best dad possible.

But are you the best dad you can be?

Following is a self-inspection checklist for dads. The questions are not intended to judge but to allow you to reflect on your relationship with your children. While some of the questions seem similar, they are reworded in ways that may apply better to your situation.

Be honest! Be reflective. Don’t think you are a bad dad if you can’t answer all these questions positively. There is no grade. This is just a vehicle to become a better dad. By the end of the checklist, you will be beaming, taking note of needed corrections, or, most likely, both.

A Dad’s Self-inspection Checklist

Are you there for your children, not just around?

Do you/did you hold your children as babies and toddlers?
Do you enjoy spending time with your kids?
Do you make time to focus on your kids?
Would you consider yourself loving, and do your kids know that you care for them?
On occasion, do you give your kids special one-on-one attention?
Do you comfort your kids when appropriate?
Are you willing to be “hated” for doing the right thing for your children?
Do you really listen when spoken to?
Do you and your children have fun together?

Do you help your children face their fears?

Do you push (encourage) your meek children forward and hold back (protect) your adventurous children?
Are you aware of any peer pressure they may be facing and how to deal with it?
Do you give them reachable challenges to conquer to build up their confidence?
Do you praise their efforts and rejoice when they are persistent?
Can you tell if and when your help will make them stronger or weaker?

Does your family work together and support each other?

Do you and their mother see eye to eye on how to raise your children? Can you compromise?
Do you continue to parent the only way you know how, or do you research other options?
Are you aware of how much you, as a father, can influence your children in both positive and negative ways? If not, read my book or blog (http://www.michaelbyronsmith.com) on fatherhood.
Do you develop family traditions that are loved by the entire family?
Do you know your children’s friends? Do you approve of their values?
Is diversity allowed and cooperation encouraged in your home?
Are you careful to not favor one child over another?
Do you never give in, give in too much, or give in as appropriate to your children’s requests?
Do you communicate clearly with the children’s mother regarding punishments, rewards, their whereabouts, schedule, and so forth?

Are you a good example to your children, and do you represent yourself well?

Are you careful to not abuse your power as a father, using influence instead of force?
Do you have an open mind toward things you don’t understand?
Are you consistent in your actions, discipline, encouragement, and love?
Following your lead, are your children respectful and kind to others?
Are you a good model for your daughters to know how to be treated by boys and other men?

Is building the character of your children a conscious part of your parenting?

Would you want your children to act as you do? Children will usually mimic you.
Do you encourage your children’s passions, dreams, and individuality?
Do you realize that lessons taught when your children are young will be anchored in them, but missed lessons may haunt you for a long time? Prevention is much easier than healing!
Do you allow them to make mistakes (for learning) when no one or nothing will get hurt?
Do you teach or exemplify to your kids kindness, values, discipline, and manners?
Do you praise good behavior while redirecting and correcting inappropriate behavior?
Do you help them to make responsible choices?
Do you tell your children mistakes are okay, but known wrongdoing is not a mistake?
Do you instill integrity, teaching what’s right to do and what’s wrong to do?
Do they know what humility means and how it can help them to be liked and respected?
Do you teach your children to be self-reliant and responsible for their actions?
Have you taught them how to earn, value, save, and spend money?
Do your children know how to set and meet goals?
Do you emphasize and support education?

If you have plowed through this checklist, congratulations! The mere fact that you went through it all indicates you probably did well on your self-inspection. Your most important personal contribution to your family and society is your dedication to the welfare of your children. But none of us are perfect, and we do have many distractions. It’s good to review this checklist occasionally, perhaps every Father’s Day week, to check up on yourself while you are checking up on your children. Ask for guidance if you could use some help!

Note: The topic of every question is touched upon in The Power of Dadhood.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

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Excerpt #3 from ‘The Power of Dadhood’ - 7 Characteristics

6/8/2020

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This week is the third of four weeks, leading up to ‘Father’s Day’. In this excerpt from my mentoring book, “The Power of Dadhood”, is an appendix that summarizes the qualities of a good dad. We can’t be perfect, but we can walk and talk towards that goal. That alone should be enough to raise healthy children, both physically and mentally.

Men who become fathers bring on a significant but satisfying responsibility into their lives. That is true for all. What is different among men is their background, temperament, health, their relationship with the mother, the relationship these men had with their parents, their occupations, the personalities of their children, and so much more. These variations bring on countless combinations of issues and challenges. What father among us has all the answers? Certainly not me, but I do discuss those challenges in a way to allow each father to find a better answer for himself and his family.

This book is easy to read, has simple but effective advice, and talks down to no one. I know it will help your family!

APPENDIX A to 'THE POWER OF DADHOOD'

As we have all witnessed, being a successful father is not an easy task! It’s complicated because you’ll find yourself asking, “What are the answers?” when the answers are unique to every dad and every child. Instead of answers, you can best rely on developing proven characteristics that, in one form or another, we have discussed in this book.

Although there are many, below are the characteristics I believe are the most important in being the best dad you can be. But none of these characteristics alone are sufficient, and sometimes not even beneficial, if not balanced with other important characteristics.

Be Involved. Be involved from the moment of your children’s births. You are a parent, not a figurehead. Be there for important events. Be available when they need support. Be strong for them when they are afraid. Be careful to consider your children when you prioritize your life events. Be a listener!

Be Principled. You are being watched by your children. They assume you are the model they should follow. You must have personal values that will guide them in the right direction. Be honest. Be moral. Be sure you have rules and limits.

Be Consistent. Be reliable. Be a rock. Do what you say and say what you’ll do. When you set goals and limits for your children, there should be rewards and consequences reinforcing them, as appropriate. If you’re not consistent with your children, you will confuse them. Explain the reasons and situations that may require you to relax or tighten the rules. This keeps your children involved and informed, and avoids misunderstandings.

Be Loving. Be gentle. Be kind. Be understanding. Be protective. Give hugs and pats on the back. Give them your complete attention on occasion—especially when they need it. Sympathize when appropriate but show your concerns about improper behavior. That is also love.

Be Fun. Be a jokester, but don’t force it. Surprise your children with occasional treats and adventures. Smile. Do crazy things—like balancing a broom on your nose. Play catch. Pretend with them. Have a tea party. Tease them in a kind, not demeaning, way. Know and be kind to their friends.

Be Balanced. The glue that makes all the other “be”s work is to be balanced. Be involved but not too involved. Be principled but don’t be preachy. Be consistent but not inflexible. Be loving, but don’t be a pushover. Be fun but be respected. Know your own limits. You cannot be consistent if you don’t have principles. You can’t be loving or fun if you are not involved.

Be Passionate. Being passionate about being a dad comes naturally to some men—but not to all. If you don’t have a natural passion for fatherhood, then be passionate about reviewing this list of characteristics and thinking about how you can apply them. A father that has to work at being a dad can be a bigger hero for his children than those for which fathering comes easily.

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Excerpt #2 from ‘The Power of Dadhood’

6/1/2020

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This is the second of four weeks, leading up to ‘Father’s Day’. I will be publishing excerpts from my mentoring book, “The Power of Dadhood”. I hope by doing so, the reader will understand this is book is easy to read, has simple but effective advice, and talks down to no one. I know it will help your family!

Repeating from last week. Men who become fathers bring on a large but satisfying responsibility into their lives. That is true for all. What is different among men is their background, temperament, health, their relationship with the mother, the relationship these men had with their parents, their occupations, the personalities of their children, and so much more. These variations bring on countless combinations of issues and challenges. What father among us has all the answers? Certainly not me, but I do discuss those challenges in a way to allow each father to find a better answer for himself and his family.

Excerpt #2: From Chapter 10 “Building Strong Children” pages 159 - 162

Will your Help Make Them Stronger or Weaker?

When your kids need or request your help, it is critical to recognize the impact of your reaction. Consider when it’s a good idea to help them or why they need the help. To help you decide, ask yourself this question: “If I help them, will it make them stronger or weaker?” You don’t have to get analytical; just being aware of this question will help you do the right thing. Sometimes you may be helping them too much, and other times not enough. How do we know unless we look at how it impacts them? Let’s look at the following scenarios as a male child grows up.

A Dad has an eleven-month-old boy learning to walk. The Dad helps him by letting the child hold his fingers while the child waddles along. Obviously, the Dad is making him stronger by exercising his legs and giving him some confidence and a sense of adventure. Later, the Dad doesn’t let his child hold on. He stands a couple of feet away and encourages his son to come to him. Now he’s helping his boy by teaching him confidence. At first, Dad’s helping makes the child stronger; later, Dad’s not helping makes him stronger.

When the child is in elementary school and asks his Dad for help with homework, of course the Dad responds. The father is helping when he explains concepts and methods to help his youngster understand. This makes his son stronger, smarter, and more confident. But if the Dad is doing the homework for him, he is not helping and is making his son weaker and dependent. His son may feel overloaded and frustrated trying to do it himself, but that’s good training for adulthood. It’s better to write his teacher a note stating you observed him working hard, but he didn’t have time to finish. The teacher may need to know this.

The son is now sixteen and gets his first speeding ticket. He’s upset, the Dad’s upset, and the Dad may lecture him or listen to his excuses. But the Dad is not helping by paying his son’s fine. Of course his son would think it would be a great help, but really it is making him weaker, or at least keeping him from getting stronger by learning responsibility. Children must learn to pay for their own mistakes. If they don’t have money or a job, then assign them some work around the house to pay off the loan.

Well, now the boy is almost a man. He has learned many lessons in life from his father, and it is time for him to go to college. Should the Dad pay for his education? This depends on many factors, including the Dad’s ability to afford it.
You should pay as much as is reasonable for your child’s education. But what is considered reasonable? Beyond a parent’s ability to pay is determining the real-world lessons that child may need to experience. Your children will need to know how to handle money, deal with pressure and stress, and balance their time. Placing some burden—financial, in this case—on them to deal with may be a good thing. Only involved parents will know how their child will react to too little or too much help.

An education makes anyone stronger and more independent. It’s a gift your son or daughter will hopefully pass on to their children. I’ve told my son and two daughters not to expect an inheritance. They needed my help when they were young, had no money, and needed to find a way to earn a living on their own. So my children’s inheritance came early in the form of teaching them self-reliance and my paying for their college education. Hopefully, they will still get an inheritance, but I’m not scrimping on my life to give them money they haven’t earned and probably won’t need if I’ve raised them correctly.

The child is now an adult, college educated, and asks the Dad for a loan. Now it gets more complicated. If it were you, would you give him a loan? Is it for a good reason? Will he pay you back? Are you able to do it? If you can do it, it comes back to the question, “Will this make him stronger or weaker?” If my son were asking, I would help if I could, but I would be sure to have him pay it back. You can always give him a gift, but that should always be your original idea and not a situation where you’re letting him off the hook. And if he is unwise in his purchase (too large a home or too fancy a car), I would try to give him advice and help him not get into debt.

Things You Should Teach Your Children Early

Every child has varying strengths and weaknesses. As their father, you should know them. As an adult, you have already experienced success and failure. Knowing your children and your life experiences puts you in a special place to guide your children to become strong, confident people. While I had a strength in determination, I had many areas where I needed support. Having a more engaged father would have tremendously helped me to learn the following things much earlier than I did.

I am not alone in having fears.
Facing fear will dissolve it.
No one else is any better than me (“better at,” maybe, but “better than,” no).
Mistakes are okay. (Caveat: Knowingly doing wrong is not a mistake.)
You can’t wait for others to move forward.
You always have choices (this was a big one for me).
Character and integrity are vitally important.
Develop the joy and beauty of imagination. (With his stories of travel, my dad did help me with this.)
Decisions made for security are not the same decisions you would make for freedom (growth).

» For example, determining to run a lemonade stand is a choice for freedom, but deciding you are too shy to sell lemonade is a choice for security. Similarly, going to college in your hometown is a secure choice, while enrolling in a school across the country is a choice for freedom.

Be a father who has a simple plan to listen to and learn about his children, who has a philosophy to teach his children about how life should be lived.

Building Strong Sons and Daughters

Building strong sons and daughters is difficult, demanding, and highly rewarding. It certainly takes effort and caring to do it in a way that will work best for each of your children. They are all different in temperament and ability. One important difference lies in your child’s gender. Boys and girls have different, gender-specific needs, and as Dads we must be sensitive to those needs. We will discuss this in the next chapter.

Excerpt #3: Next week - "The Seven Characteristics of a Successful Father"

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An Ideal American Family?

5/18/2020

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photo by the author

We all can admit that a perfect family doesn’t exist. Being human makes that an impossible ideal. Beyond that, what may be perfect in one family is not so in another. But is there an ideal family that most can agree to, not perfect but desirable? Not likely, but it is something to discuss.

I’d like to explore one vision of the American family in which the success of the children is most likely to occur. Many, but not all, believe it is a situation for which all families should strive to thrive. Before I go on, some caveats. Any child raised in a loving, nurturing atmosphere is a fortunate child. I respect and champion the efforts of single parents whose burdens are doubled. And caring, compassionate, adoptive parents, including same-sex parents, who are particular heroes when they pull a child out of an institution and into a loving home. Single and adoptive parenting is a result of situations out of the child’s control. But if all else were equal and a child did have a voice, would they not want their natural mother and father to raise them?

Of course, we must assume the natural parents to be loving, kind, and capable. I could stop right there! What else could we ask for our children? But not all parents have each of these characteristics. Even capable parents must also be loving, or there will be an emotional void.

Birth parents or not, what is best for children is living and working together to raise them. These parents would have some knowledge of parenting techniques through reading, observation, and mentoring from others. They would treat all their children fairly, but not the same, for all children have differing needs. They would know when to help their children and when to leave them to their own solutions, allowing them to get stronger, not weaker. They would listen to their children, but not be controlled or fooled by them. They would let their children be free to explore, but with a very watchful eye. Parental rules would be fair and explained but consistently adhered to until circumstances required the rules to change.

These parents would be fun but not pushovers, involved in all aspects of their kids’ lives, but not obtrusive. They would have moral standards demonstrated by how they acted and reacted to daily life -know their children are watching. Their love for their children would be clearly demonstrated, and expectations for their behavior clearly defined. Both mother and father would be nurturing - preparing them to be responsible adults.

The father would be a kind man, one his daughters look up to as a standard for other men to treat them. He is also the male role model his sons need. The mother is the glue that keeps the family together, both a female role model and the feminine touch all children need. Although not always practical, or even desirable for some couples, it would be beneficial if one parent could stay home with the children until all were in elementary school. Both of these parents would be educated, at least through high school. Ideally, both the father and mother were raised in healthy atmospheres themselves, both having their parents as male and female role models.

Unfortunately, this is a fairy tale for too many families. When I propose this kind of family, I occasionally get pushback, maybe because it is a fairy tale for some. Perhaps it is too idealistic for others, but why reach for anything less? Other parents think I’m taking unwelcomed shots at them. Single mothers often chase the fathers away even when the father wants to be involved - and maybe there is a good reason for her, but often not for the child. There are fathers, like mine, who ignore their parental responsibilities out of fear, obstruction, lack of confidence, or selfishness. Same-sex parents think I’m against them, which isn’t true. They may be the best parents for which that child could ever hope. But when parents are of the same sex/gender, they should consider having their child exposed to a trusted and willing friend opposite their sex, necessary for their child’s identity. (Note: As a boy raised mostly around women. I believe it contributed to a lack confidence around other males for many years.)

Summary

Most parents do their best to raise their children with the resources they have. There are times when parents make bad decisions that adversely impact their children. Sometimes there are no good choices from which to choose. But there are always opportunities to be the best parent(s) possible starting at the moment you realize something must change.

First, and most importantly, it takes awareness of the situation. Then it takes reflection, research, and looking for help. Lastly, it takes total commitment, working towards but not expecting the ideal. The ideal being an environment of love, splashes of fun, principles of expected behavior, a hallmark of consistency, genuine, sincere involvement, balance in all things, and a deep passion towards parenting. Nothing said here is dependent on the description of the parents, just parental characteristics. When parents pass that environment down to their children, it makes it so much easier for them to do the same. Good luck!

#powerofdadhood

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Kids Need a Wingman and a Parachute Packer

5/11/2020

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In the Cold War, I flew the B-52 Stratofortress, a nuclear equipped bomber. If attacked, requiring the United States to strike back at our aggressor, we would have been the first to go. We were, so to speak, the tip of the spear. But that tip would go nowhere without the long solid shaft that allowed that spear to be carried forward. Maintenance, security, supply, transportation, food services, fueling, trainers, medical, and life support, all these, and those I may have regretfully not included, were the shaft. With any one of those support areas missing, the shaft would be broken, and the tip of the spear totally worthless.

During the Cold War, there was also a 'Hot' war in Southeast Asia where lives were lost and saved. The following is a true story of the teamwork that typifies the actions necessary to complete any mission—two teammates who met many years later that didn't even know each other personally.

Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience!
One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said,' You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down.

'How in the world did you know that?' asked Plumb.

'I packed your parachute,' the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, 'I guess it worked!'

Plumb assured him, 'It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today.

Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, 'I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat; a bib in the back; and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how are you?' or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor.' Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know.

Now, Plumb asks his audience, 'Who's packing your parachute?' Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory - he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute. He called on all these supports before reaching safety.

Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your parachutes.

I am sending you this as my way of thanking you for your part in packing my parachute. And I hope you will send it on to those who have helped pack yours!

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word to us. Maybe this could explain it! When you are busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do - you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.

So, my friend, the next time when you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

So dear friends, we are just helping you pack your parachute and thank each of you way have helped us pack our parachute.

The lesson here is of unsung heroes! Families succeed because of unsung heroes. When a man or woman has a child, they must think of that child as the tip of a spear, not for war, but for their struggle entering a world in which they must survive. A mom, dad, and siblings are the shaft that makes their struggle more or less difficult. Like the true story above, parents must provide the means to survive when hard times come about, as they always seem to do. Be the one that packs their parachute – a parachute that just might save them, allowing them to try another day because failure will come as one reaches for higher goals.

Another analogy from military aviation is to have one cover your 'six,' meaning to watch your back. That was the job of a wingman in the military. Your kids need a wingman too! Just out of sight, but watching closely, looking for threats!

#powerofdadhood

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What You Heard was Not What I Said

4/6/2020

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Photo: Michael Byron Smith

Or was it?

“The biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
~ George Bernard Shaw

Communication may become a more significant issue when we are cooped up for days on end with those we love during the COVID-19 crisis . Not because it happens more often, but because we may have less tolerance for it. Be patient with your family. Especially your children!

Miscommunication happens with your kids, your spouse, in the media/press, among co-workers, and elsewhere. Sometimes it’s the other person, and sometimes it’s you, or both. Maybe you misspoke, saying something you did not mean. Mostly, these misunderstandings are harmless, but they can cause many problems some of which are very serious. In critical or dangerous situations, parties are required to repeat an instruction. Pilots in the US Air Force, when switching control of their aircraft from one to the other, must confirm the transition. The first pilot, “You have the aircraft.” The second pilot, “I have the aircraft.” Only then can the first pilot release control.

How about a less critical but essential communication situation? How about within your family? Even the most loving of spouses can get annoyed with each other when they aren’t connecting at the same level. Then there are the kids! Being misunderstood is painful, especially for kids, because they often think they are doing something wrong or you are unfair. It can leave them feeling helpless, upset, impatient, and angry, especially at the person that’s not understanding them. Children can’t think like an adult, so adults have to think like a kid. The knowledge and ability to do that within your family will decrease misunderstandings.

Heidi Grant Halvorson, a social psychologist, says in her book, No One Understands You and What to Do About It, you are probably a terrible judge of how other people view you. Humans, she explains, are consistently poor judges of how other human beings view them. “We know when someone else is making a good impression, but we don’t know when we’re not doing it.” Stated otherwise, if others can make a bad impression or be unclear, so can you - without realizing it. In fact, one of the easiest ways to suffer the consequences of being misunderstood is to make the assumption that who you’re talking to knows what you know, feels what you feel, or is on the same page as you.

Here are some reasons why people misunderstand each other * It’s no wonder it happens so often!

Mood. Wow! A bad mood will always get in the way of good communication. Be honest about your mood and take responsibility by admitting your inability to communicate properly. I’m as guilty as anyone. If it can wait, let it wait!
Anger. This ties in with mood but can be much more disruptive and consequential.
Exhaustion. If you are tired, you’re not alert and may not be listening.
Hearing issues. This is a common problem. Unless tested, we may not notice when we lose hearing. To avoid embarrassment, we often answer as if we heard correctly.
Bias. Hearing only what you want to hear because you want to control and validate your belief.
Not listening. We are all guilty of this at times. It easy to do with children when they constantly need your attention.
Vocabulary. Know your audience and use language they understand. Unless they know you well, they may not admit they didn’t understand. Again, try to imagine what a five-year-old really wants.
Personality differences. Different personalities hear things differently because of sensitivities, attitude, openness, etc. Some people think deeply. Others sail on the surface.
Preoccupied. Sometimes you are in the middle of a correspondence, or an activity where you are concentrating on a task, or simply in deep thought. This is not listening less offensively.
Purposeful. We can be dishonest about what we hear or pretending we didn’t hear correctly or responding with double talk, purposely trying to confuse the other person.
Assuming. Asking, “Why did you do that?” when the other person doesn’t know what ‘that’ is.
Sarcasm. Men, especially, close friends, are sarcastic with each other. It’s kind of a brotherhood thing when done right. But you have to know the person to be sarcastic. Also, I believe men are more open to sarcasm more than women.
Tone. How you say something is as important as what you say. The wrong tone will almost always cause miscommunication.
Appearance. How you look when you talk (facial clues, body language, eyes) all speak as loudly as your voice
Where’s your head? What is the other person thinking? Similar to assuming, but more like being the same frame of mind as you. I say, “I love your jeans!” You hear, “I love your genes.”

Because there are so many ways to miscommunicate potentially causing undesired results, it’s wise to reassure those you respect and love on a higher level by taking pro-active steps.

Pre-emptive statements to minimize communication issues.

I will never say anything on purpose that sounds like I don’t love you.
Please feel free to ask questions.
I can’t hear well in noisy areas.
I’m not familiar with that topic.
Can I have your attention for a moment?
I’m tired. Can we talk in the morning?
Do you understand what I mean?
Can you repeat that?

Summary

There are enough problems in the world and within our families without creating unnecessary obstacles. Think about what you are saying and how you are listening. Remember never to overreact. Remember that saying sorry is always an appropriate thing to do when you have made a mistake. Remember that kids are kids. They are rambunctious, energetic, and immature. Give them some attention and be gentle. Remember to give time to yourself and to give yourself time to think. Give hugs after mistakes have been made.

#powerofdadhood

* My thoughts as a layman

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“What, Me Worry?”

2/17/2020

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Alfred E. Neuman of "MAD Magazine"

The title is a quote from the fictional character, Alfred E. Neuman of MAD Magazine, characterized as a young man who you may assume, by his looks, was too dumb to worry. While I believe the ignorance of some things will keep you from worry, ignorance will also cause you to worry.

My wife, Kathy, asked me the other day, “What do you worry about?” She asked out of exasperation because she feels she has the burden of worry while I get off scot-free. That’s not fair in her mind. Well, it may not be fair - but that’s not my fault. Worry is an affliction that is allowed to happen.

I was not born immune to worry. I just got over it years ago because I had to change. As a kid, I worried about everything, and there was a lot to worry about. I worried about my father’s alcoholism, about our bills being paid, about school issues, about my parents when they argued, and about the bullies that lay in wait. As the oldest of six, I worried about my siblings and what they were getting into. My siblings, on the other hand, never seemed to worry about anything – so I knew what Kathy was thinking.

I didn’t get over my worry sickness until I was in my thirties. It took a severe case of unnecessary burdens and misplaced apprehension to bring me to the point of actually analyzing it. It’s all very simple, really, and I’ll get into that a bit - being a total layman. What is not simple is accepting the idea of not worrying, even more difficult for those who have naturally occurring anxiety issues, confidence issues, etc. However, I ask you remaining worriers to think about a few things.

One of the most important facts to consider is this essential point. Practicing suffering (in your imagination) will never ease any conceivable actual suffering! So why do it? You can place yourself or a loved one in the most horrible of imagined situations and some suffering will come. But that is not preparation, that’s insanity! Why would you do that to yourself? Would you ever hit yourself in the head with a hammer to see if you could live through it? If you did, and you survived, you would find that, 1) it’s never going to happen anyway and, 2) if it did, it would hurt just as much as the first time. Practice does not make perfect when it comes to suffering. It will not be easier for you.

If you are afraid of your child learning to drive because you worry about them being in an accident, those imaginations will not stop an accident from occurring. A better word than ‘worry’ is ‘concern.’ While a ‘worried’ person thinks of ‘bad’ things happening, a ‘concerned’ person thinks of ‘good’ things that will prevent those terrible things. Good things to do in this example is to demand the use of seat belts, having rules to follow when driving, certainly no drinking or texting, a driving safety course, etc. If you can do something about something that troubles you, do it! If not, let it pass on through and out of your consciousness.

Worry is frightening and exhausting while concern is being alert, resulting in preventive action. Remember that sentence when your child is sick or being bullied on the internet. The bulk of Kathy’s worries are regarding our grandchildren. The bulk of my concerns are regarding my grandchildren. Neither her worries nor my concerns involve anything that can’t be overcome by any of them. We’re just being grandparents. The difference is my concerns are addressed while Kathy’s worries keep her awake. As I wrote in “The Power of Dadhood’- “Prevention is easier than correction!” Concern, put it action, is prevention.

Some good quotes on ‘Worry’:

“Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything; it just messes with your mind and steals your happiness.”
“99% of the things you worry about don’t even happen.”
“The less you worry, the less complicated life becomes.”
“If the cost of worry is your peace, then it’s too expensive.”

The quotes above (and many versions thereof) are all anonymous. The reason for that, I believe, is because they are accurate and said by many wise people. We may be surprised by how many others would trade their troubles for ours. We look up because of envy, forgetting that others envy us.

What if?

So, you say to me, “I was worried about something, and it happened!” But what of it? Maybe you thought and worried enough for it to come about. Perhaps you should have taken action because of concern, but worry paralyzed you. Would the incident have happened without your worries? Most likely! Another word we should use in place of worry when appropriate is sorrow. When bad things do happen, worry did not prevent it or make it easier. Sorrow shouldn’t be wasted on worry; worry should be minimized as much as possible

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