This is the second of four weeks, leading up to ‘Father’s Day’. I will be publishing excerpts from my mentoring book, “The Power of Dadhood”. I hope by doing so, the reader will understand this is book is easy to read, has simple but effective advice, and talks down to no one. I know it will help your family!
Repeating from last week. Men who become fathers bring on a large but satisfying responsibility into their lives. That is true for all. What is different among men is their background, temperament, health, their relationship with the mother, the relationship these men had with their parents, their occupations, the personalities of their children, and so much more. These variations bring on countless combinations of issues and challenges. What father among us has all the answers? Certainly not me, but I do discuss those challenges in a way to allow each father to find a better answer for himself and his family.
Repeating from last week. Men who become fathers bring on a large but satisfying responsibility into their lives. That is true for all. What is different among men is their background, temperament, health, their relationship with the mother, the relationship these men had with their parents, their occupations, the personalities of their children, and so much more. These variations bring on countless combinations of issues and challenges. What father among us has all the answers? Certainly not me, but I do discuss those challenges in a way to allow each father to find a better answer for himself and his family.
Excerpt #2: From Chapter 10 “Building Strong Children” pages 159 - 162
Will your Help Make Them Stronger or Weaker?
When your kids need or request your help, it is critical to recognize the impact of your reaction. Consider when it’s a good idea to help them or why they need the help. To help you decide, ask yourself this question: “If I help them, will it make them stronger or weaker?” You don’t have to get analytical; just being aware of this question will help you do the right thing. Sometimes you may be helping them too much, and other times not enough. How do we know unless we look at how it impacts them? Let’s look at the following scenarios as a male child grows up.
A Dad has an eleven-month-old boy learning to walk. The Dad helps him by letting the child hold his fingers while the child waddles along. Obviously, the Dad is making him stronger by exercising his legs and giving him some confidence and a sense of adventure. Later, the Dad doesn’t let his child hold on. He stands a couple of feet away and encourages his son to come to him. Now he’s helping his boy by teaching him confidence. At first, Dad’s helping makes the child stronger; later, Dad’s not helping makes him stronger.
When the child is in elementary school and asks his Dad for help with homework, of course the Dad responds. The father is helping when he explains concepts and methods to help his youngster understand. This makes his son stronger, smarter, and more confident. But if the Dad is doing the homework for him, he is not helping and is making his son weaker and dependent. His son may feel overloaded and frustrated trying to do it himself, but that’s good training for adulthood. It’s better to write his teacher a note stating you observed him working hard, but he didn’t have time to finish. The teacher may need to know this.
The son is now sixteen and gets his first speeding ticket. He’s upset, the Dad’s upset, and the Dad may lecture him or listen to his excuses. But the Dad is not helping by paying his son’s fine. Of course his son would think it would be a great help, but really it is making him weaker, or at least keeping him from getting stronger by learning responsibility. Children must learn to pay for their own mistakes. If they don’t have money or a job, then assign them some work around the house to pay off the loan.
Well, now the boy is almost a man. He has learned many lessons in life from his father, and it is time for him to go to college. Should the Dad pay for his education? This depends on many factors, including the Dad’s ability to afford it.
You should pay as much as is reasonable for your child’s education. But what is considered reasonable? Beyond a parent’s ability to pay is determining the real-world lessons that child may need to experience. Your children will need to know how to handle money, deal with pressure and stress, and balance their time. Placing some burden—financial, in this case—on them to deal with may be a good thing. Only involved parents will know how their child will react to too little or too much help.
An education makes anyone stronger and more independent. It’s a gift your son or daughter will hopefully pass on to their children. I’ve told my son and two daughters not to expect an inheritance. They needed my help when they were young, had no money, and needed to find a way to earn a living on their own. So my children’s inheritance came early in the form of teaching them self-reliance and my paying for their college education. Hopefully, they will still get an inheritance, but I’m not scrimping on my life to give them money they haven’t earned and probably won’t need if I’ve raised them correctly.
The child is now an adult, college educated, and asks the Dad for a loan. Now it gets more complicated. If it were you, would you give him a loan? Is it for a good reason? Will he pay you back? Are you able to do it? If you can do it, it comes back to the question, “Will this make him stronger or weaker?” If my son were asking, I would help if I could, but I would be sure to have him pay it back. You can always give him a gift, but that should always be your original idea and not a situation where you’re letting him off the hook. And if he is unwise in his purchase (too large a home or too fancy a car), I would try to give him advice and help him not get into debt.
Things You Should Teach Your Children Early
Every child has varying strengths and weaknesses. As their father, you should know them. As an adult, you have already experienced success and failure. Knowing your children and your life experiences puts you in a special place to guide your children to become strong, confident people. While I had a strength in determination, I had many areas where I needed support. Having a more engaged father would have tremendously helped me to learn the following things much earlier than I did.
» For example, determining to run a lemonade stand is a choice for freedom, but deciding you are too shy to sell lemonade is a choice for security. Similarly, going to college in your hometown is a secure choice, while enrolling in a school across the country is a choice for freedom.
Be a father who has a simple plan to listen to and learn about his children, who has a philosophy to teach his children about how life should be lived.
Building Strong Sons and Daughters
Building strong sons and daughters is difficult, demanding, and highly rewarding. It certainly takes effort and caring to do it in a way that will work best for each of your children. They are all different in temperament and ability. One important difference lies in your child’s gender. Boys and girls have different, gender-specific needs, and as Dads we must be sensitive to those needs. We will discuss this in the next chapter.
Excerpt #3: Next week - "The Seven Characteristics of a Successful Father"
Will your Help Make Them Stronger or Weaker?
When your kids need or request your help, it is critical to recognize the impact of your reaction. Consider when it’s a good idea to help them or why they need the help. To help you decide, ask yourself this question: “If I help them, will it make them stronger or weaker?” You don’t have to get analytical; just being aware of this question will help you do the right thing. Sometimes you may be helping them too much, and other times not enough. How do we know unless we look at how it impacts them? Let’s look at the following scenarios as a male child grows up.
A Dad has an eleven-month-old boy learning to walk. The Dad helps him by letting the child hold his fingers while the child waddles along. Obviously, the Dad is making him stronger by exercising his legs and giving him some confidence and a sense of adventure. Later, the Dad doesn’t let his child hold on. He stands a couple of feet away and encourages his son to come to him. Now he’s helping his boy by teaching him confidence. At first, Dad’s helping makes the child stronger; later, Dad’s not helping makes him stronger.
When the child is in elementary school and asks his Dad for help with homework, of course the Dad responds. The father is helping when he explains concepts and methods to help his youngster understand. This makes his son stronger, smarter, and more confident. But if the Dad is doing the homework for him, he is not helping and is making his son weaker and dependent. His son may feel overloaded and frustrated trying to do it himself, but that’s good training for adulthood. It’s better to write his teacher a note stating you observed him working hard, but he didn’t have time to finish. The teacher may need to know this.
The son is now sixteen and gets his first speeding ticket. He’s upset, the Dad’s upset, and the Dad may lecture him or listen to his excuses. But the Dad is not helping by paying his son’s fine. Of course his son would think it would be a great help, but really it is making him weaker, or at least keeping him from getting stronger by learning responsibility. Children must learn to pay for their own mistakes. If they don’t have money or a job, then assign them some work around the house to pay off the loan.
Well, now the boy is almost a man. He has learned many lessons in life from his father, and it is time for him to go to college. Should the Dad pay for his education? This depends on many factors, including the Dad’s ability to afford it.
You should pay as much as is reasonable for your child’s education. But what is considered reasonable? Beyond a parent’s ability to pay is determining the real-world lessons that child may need to experience. Your children will need to know how to handle money, deal with pressure and stress, and balance their time. Placing some burden—financial, in this case—on them to deal with may be a good thing. Only involved parents will know how their child will react to too little or too much help.
An education makes anyone stronger and more independent. It’s a gift your son or daughter will hopefully pass on to their children. I’ve told my son and two daughters not to expect an inheritance. They needed my help when they were young, had no money, and needed to find a way to earn a living on their own. So my children’s inheritance came early in the form of teaching them self-reliance and my paying for their college education. Hopefully, they will still get an inheritance, but I’m not scrimping on my life to give them money they haven’t earned and probably won’t need if I’ve raised them correctly.
The child is now an adult, college educated, and asks the Dad for a loan. Now it gets more complicated. If it were you, would you give him a loan? Is it for a good reason? Will he pay you back? Are you able to do it? If you can do it, it comes back to the question, “Will this make him stronger or weaker?” If my son were asking, I would help if I could, but I would be sure to have him pay it back. You can always give him a gift, but that should always be your original idea and not a situation where you’re letting him off the hook. And if he is unwise in his purchase (too large a home or too fancy a car), I would try to give him advice and help him not get into debt.
Things You Should Teach Your Children Early
Every child has varying strengths and weaknesses. As their father, you should know them. As an adult, you have already experienced success and failure. Knowing your children and your life experiences puts you in a special place to guide your children to become strong, confident people. While I had a strength in determination, I had many areas where I needed support. Having a more engaged father would have tremendously helped me to learn the following things much earlier than I did.
- I am not alone in having fears.
- Facing fear will dissolve it.
- No one else is any better than me (“better at,” maybe, but “better than,” no).
- Mistakes are okay. (Caveat: Knowingly doing wrong is not a mistake.)
- You can’t wait for others to move forward.
- You always have choices (this was a big one for me).
- Character and integrity are vitally important.
- Develop the joy and beauty of imagination. (With his stories of travel, my dad did help me with this.)
- Decisions made for security are not the same decisions you would make for freedom (growth).
» For example, determining to run a lemonade stand is a choice for freedom, but deciding you are too shy to sell lemonade is a choice for security. Similarly, going to college in your hometown is a secure choice, while enrolling in a school across the country is a choice for freedom.
Be a father who has a simple plan to listen to and learn about his children, who has a philosophy to teach his children about how life should be lived.
Building Strong Sons and Daughters
Building strong sons and daughters is difficult, demanding, and highly rewarding. It certainly takes effort and caring to do it in a way that will work best for each of your children. They are all different in temperament and ability. One important difference lies in your child’s gender. Boys and girls have different, gender-specific needs, and as Dads we must be sensitive to those needs. We will discuss this in the next chapter.
Excerpt #3: Next week - "The Seven Characteristics of a Successful Father"
