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​It Takes a Village? As a Last Resort!

4/26/2021

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There are large, well-funded organizations that disparage the nuclear family. I cannot, for the life of me, understand that. Anyone at any time can type ‘Fatherless Families’ into a search engine and see the devastation the children of single-parent families go through. Please do it! Or read my book, “The Power of Dadhood.” If you truly can’t afford one, I’ll send one free until I run out.

Understanding that single-parent families will always exist, it is then that the concept of a village comes in to help the family and the children.  This concept may work well in certain circumstances, but certainly not most. It works when the extended family is nearby and healthy themselves. It may work in a crime-free small town where single-parent families are rare. But these circumstances are not the issue.
When sizeable swaths of neighborhoods are a large percentage of single-parent families, most led by mothers, you will find crime, drugs, poverty, and gangs. This situation is a village that cannot help families. You can pour welfare funds into these areas, but history finds nothing changes.

In my previous post, I wrote the following:

“It’s time to focus on families! Incentivize fathers to be in the home instead of incentivizing them not to be there. Fix schools and neighborhoods, making them aids and not a hindrance to learning and health. Add police to high crime areas, don’t blame them as they risk their lives. Look to statistics and not rhetoric for true understanding! More youth programs with high-paying jobs to the best men and women who would mentor them. Encourage nuclear families! A village will help to raise children, but not near as well as a responsible two-parent household! Focus on the root cause, not a consequence.”

This post is short and sweet, but not if you do the research. My approach to help children and society will take a generation or two. But we must start now. Citizens and corporations, please know what you are doing when you give to a cause or organization; some intend to de-emphasize the nuclear family for reasons I cannot fathom. Others will help!

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​Guns and Families

4/19/2021

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How are families connected to gun violence? Gun violence destroys some families; for that, there is no doubt. But families can also be a critical factor in reducing gun violence.

Guns

I can neither call myself a lover nor a hater of guns. In the Air Force, I was an expert marksman in the .38 handgun and the M16 rifle. I also enjoy target shooting with friends as a civilian. But I am neither a hunter nor an owner of a gun. I bring this up hoping to relay my relative indifference - pro or con - to ownership of firearms; although I strongly support the Second Amendment. 

Most people are not aware that more citizens are killed by knives than rifles in criminal acts. But we don’t make it difficult to buy knives because it is impractical. Similarly, making gun ownership more difficult, when hundreds of millions guns already exist, bought and sold illegally, is not a real answer. Coverage of tragic events involving guns mostly blame the availability of guns while de-emphasizing the motives of the perpetrators. Guns in the hands of responsible people prove that availability does not equate to crime.

More gun laws will do little to help because the current gun laws are broken many times every day. But there are too many, very accessible, illegal guns, and their tragic impact must be minimized. I propose there is a way to do this by concentrating more fiercely on the perpetrators and their motivations.

Controlling guns will do little to stop violent acts when the real problems causing their misuse are: 1) uncontrollable anger, 2) too many lost souls, 3) the loss of respect for others, and 4) the loss of responsible behavior by those raised without caring parents in strong households. Correct these issues and gun violence will be minimized significantly. And how do we do this?

Families

We’re attacking a serious secondary problem (gun violence) with an approach (more gun laws and more legal restrictions) that ignores the real problem (the breakdown of too many families).

In the two maps above, I show a map of my hometown of St. Louis. One map shows where poor fatherless families live while the other map shows where crimes are committed. Then notice the green areas that have a very large percentage of two-parent homes. Here, there is less anger and very little crime. They correlate almost totally! Every large city will have similar situations.

Guns in these crime ridden areas surely make it easier to kill. But you cannot take criminals' guns away to solve the tragic results because the guns will be illegally replaced almost immediately. The void will suck in guns like a drain swallows water.

But what if the anger was gone? What if young people there had better guidance? What if the youth had dreams to chase, knowing there are loving people behind them, helping and encouraging them? Would guns even be sought? If guns were there, how less would they be used? Without a nail to drive, a hammer sits unused. It's obvious that guns do not have a motive­ – people have motives. 


I would choose to be around a friendly person with a gun than an angry person with a fist because it’s the anger that would hurt me. Either a fist or gun could be used in anger, so you ask, “wouldn’t you rather have the angry person have only a fist and not a gun?”

“No doubt!” I would answer. But that is why controlling the anger is primary since illegal and stolen guns are preferable to fists to an angry person with violent tendencies.

Summary

Mentoring our youth and stopping their anger and fear will stop gun crime faster than any law. It’s time to focus on families! Incentivize fathers to be in the home instead of incentivizing them to not be there. Fix schools and neighborhoods, making them aids and not a hindrance to learning and health. Add police to high crime areas, don’t blame them as they risk their lives. Look to statistics and not rhetoric for true understanding! More youth programs with high-paying jobs to the best men and women who would mentor them. Encourage nuclear families! A village will help to raise children, but not near as well as a responsible two-parent household! Focus on the root cause, not a consequence.

Again, guns don’t have motives; people do. Let’s prevent the reasons (motives) that cause harm to others!  

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​Less is More? Maybe, Maybe Not, in Parenting

4/12/2021

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PicturePhoto by Author

I don’t know if it was an ad-man, a philosopher, or a tree-hugger who first said “less is more”. But it is a crock! That’s like saying ‘fat is skinny’, or ‘dumb is smart’. They are not giving you the whole story. They are leaving things out. I saw a Lexus Ad once which stated ‘more is more’. Now that is truth in advertising!

Another way to say the phrase is, ‘less fat is more skinny’, or ‘less dumb is more smart’, or ‘less Taco Bell is more healthy’. It’s all about filling in the void!

See the difference? For instance, is less parenting more parenting? Well, it could be if less parenting means NOT being a helicopter parent, constantly hovering over your children and not letting them think for themselves. But less parenting is NOT more parenting when you are not engaging with them. When something is missing, something else fills that void.

What your child does not learn from you in the way of values and integrity, they will learn somewhere else. Unless you are not a good example, don't leave those lessons to chance. That’s why some boys join gangs when they haven’t a father to reassure themselves of their maleness. It’s why some girls, who don't have a loving father, are easy sexual targets for hormone enraged boys because they want the male acceptance they long for, but don’t have. 

I can tell you this, ‘less bad parenting is more good parenting’. Continuing:
  • Less love is not more love. ---- Less 'smothering' love is more 'effective' love.
  • Less attention is not more attention. ---- Less attention 'on what’s wrong' is, hopefully, more attention 'on what’s right'.
  • Less discipline is not more discipline. ---- Less discipline 'may require' more discipline.
  • Less consistency is certainly not more consistency.
  • Less love is definitely not more love!
  • Less time with your kids is not more time with your kids. ---- Less time with your kids may become more time trying to reconnect with them.
  • Generally, “Less bad stuff is more good stuff!” and, of course, vice versa!

YES, less is only better when you are doing the wrong things. More is always better when doing the right things. As a mother or father, taking more time to think about the right and wrong things you may be doing without even realizing it. And like balancing a portfolio, you want to balance your parenting style as your children grow and even adjust to each child.

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The Young Man and the Old Man (discuss fatherhood)

4/5/2021

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A young man, whose father was scarcely involved in his life, was about to be a father himself. Wary of his future, he wondered if he had it in him to be a better father than his own. Unaware he was already showing positive signs by simply wanting answers, he wanted assurances. Not knowing where else to turn, he looked to an older man he had admired from afar. The young man had said hello to him often, when the older man was in parks with his grandchildren, looking like he was genuinely happy being with them.

One day he approached the old man in the park while his grandkids were playing, formally introducing himself. The young man mentioned having seen him often with his adult children and with their kids, then revealing he was about to become a father himself.

“That’s wonderful,” said the old man. “Congratulations!”

“Thank you!” he responded.

With some hesitation in his voice, he said, “Obviously, you’ve been a father and grandfather…and you seem to enjoy it so much.”

He continued nervously, “I know this is coming out of left field, but I grew up without my father around and my two uncles live far away.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” said the old man. “How can I help?”

“Oh, thank you, sir,” said the young man. “I would really appreciate if I could ask you a question?”

‘Sure,” responded the old man.

He asked, “Can you tell me about being a dad? Just what is fatherhood like? What does it mean?”

“Well,” the old man was taken aback by the seriousness of his question. He pondered a bit and said, “I guess I never put it in words before.”

He then continued after more thought. “Fatherhood to me is three things. First of all, it’s a miracle when it happens to any of us. Secondly, fatherhood is an opportunity, the greatest opportunity of your life. And third of all, it’s knowing what you do with that miracle will affect others profoundly!”

“Yes,” said the young man, “I get that. But how do you be a father? What are you supposed to do?”

The old man rocked a bit, his eyes glancing to his grandchildren, then repeated himself to further the point he was trying to make.

“Well, to be a good father, you must realize, as I said, that it’s a miracle placed in your hands!”

Looking up, thinking on the spot, he expanded a bit. “Changing diapers, coaching your child in sports, going to their events, you know, those things are important, but,” the old man looked the young man in the eye, “really, just be there for your children in good times and bad, giving up part of yourself to do so.”

The young man nodded in agreement, whispering, “Yes!”

“And finally,” the old man raised his finger for emphasis, “and this may be most important, you must always be aware that how you interact with your children will impact their lives profoundly! So always think about that!”

The young man was not expecting this kind of answer, so he summarized having listened carefully, “So, being a father is just being there for your kids and letting them know you care?”

“Yes! It’s that simple and that hard,” said the old man. “There are no set answers, but if you remember those three things, the answers will be there for any circumstance that may challenge you.”

The young man leaned back feeling a bit relieved and a bit sad, thinking to himself, “So, this is what I have been missing.”
​
“I have an idea you will do just fine,” said the old man as he reminded his grandchildren to be careful on the monkey bars.

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