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37 Principles I Believe In Enough to Live By

3/4/2019

We all have names, our own look, and a family tree. Someone may recognize you by these attributes, but they will not know the person you really are until they know the principles of life by which you live. In other words, your values. Our beliefs are developed over time as we experience life influenced by family, friends, teachers, mentors and even adversaries.

As a parent or mentor, ‘how you live’ will be the lessons most trusted and believed by your children or followers…not ‘what you say’! That doesn’t suggest you should not say what you believe, just don’t negate your oral teachings by how you act out your life.

Below are the principles I try to live by -- not perfectly by any means. I have violated, at times, 30 or more of these principles. But they are my guiding light and the lessons I would like to pass on to my children, grandchildren, and anyone else who would care to listen.

37 Principles I Choose to Teach and Follow:

A stable, supportive family is the greatest privilege you will ever have.
You create your own privileges by forsaking victimhood of any kind.
Always do what you say you will do!
A goal, trusted advice, persistence, and self-reliance will are your best tools for success.
Your 'worth' is the sum of your tangible and intangible assets.
Never have more debt than you’re worth. (See 6 above).
Never work with people that don’t value you or your mission.
Job satisfaction comes with what you love to do, not what you earn.
Charity’s goal is to help, not to substitute.
Giving is selfless, and selflessness is freeing.
Making the right decisions is aided by having values.
To ensure a young person will not live in poverty, they need to do these three things. (from Brookings Institute)
1. Finish High School
2. Get a job
3. Don’t get pregnant before you get married.
Always attempt to think before responding.
Apologies are like hard work, tough but rewarding.
It’s better that no one knows your achievements than to boast about them (with few exceptions)
Surround yourself with inspirational things and people.
Capture inspiration before it leaves you!
Teach and give your children responsibilities, and hold them to those responsibilities.
Failure is a teacher, and like any teacher, you must pay attention to its lessons to learn.
Bad times are tough, but thankfully tough to recall.
Only when you leave a beaten path will you have a possibility of finding something undiscovered.
Be you! Always be you! That doesn’t mean ‘don’t change’, but change to be a better you. It’s like polishing silverware. A tarnished spoon is still a spoon after you make it shine.
Have gratitude and appreciation: Rain makes me appreciate the sunshine, sunshine makes me appreciate colors, colors make me appreciate the greenery around me, and the greenery around me makes me appreciate the rain.
Respecting other opinions does not mean you have to agree with their opinions.
‘Pace yourself’ doesn’t mean slow down, it means to move forward smartly.
The past is for memories. The future is for hope. Today is for you!
Never box yourself in. Have an open, but critical mind.
If it feels wrong, it most likely is.
A dollar earned is one hundred times more valuable than a dollar handed to you.
Pay attention to kids, but ignore their tantrums.
We’re created equal in the eyes of God, but we must admit we are not equal in all talents or results.
Everyone deserves equal opportunity, but each of us owns our results, good or bad.
When you realize life is cycles of ups and downs, it will keep you even-keeled. (This too shall pass)
Don’t overreact to what you see or hear. Understand life by percentages, not raw numbers. It may help to keep you sane! For example:
1. Typically 100 children are kidnapped by strangers in the US each year. An absolute nightmare for any parent. Each reported incident creates numbing fear!
2. But be reassured, somewhat, that these 100 incidents happened among 61,000,000 children 14 and under over 365 days (2017). A very, very, rare occurrence – 0.000001%). *
There is no better rest than the rest that comes after hard work.
The only one who will know if you have true integrity is YOU. (Doing the right thing without the knowledge of others)
Strive for, but don’t expect, perfection!

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A Sleeping Child

2/25/2019

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Sleeping grandchildren!

A week ago, my oldest daughter sent me a photo of my middle granddaughter sleeping. I took one look of her perfection in that moment and was challenged to capture the feelings of a parent/grandparent when they look upon their sleeping child. Words fail to express, properly, that moment, that love!

My daughter's photo she sent of my granddaughter Rosie.

A Sleeping Child
by Michael Byron Smith

God bless a sleeping child,
So serene, so alluring.
A parents’ quiet respite,
Renewing passions, so enduring.

The pose of angels.
God’s work of art.
The reward of our burdens,
And the sighs of our hearts.

Observed with adoring eyes,
Their hair somewhat tangled.
Curled fingers to our lips.
Our heads slightly angled.

Misbehaviors are forgotten,
Love is full of grace.
That couldn’t have happened,
So precious is that face.

Grateful for our miracles.
Addicted to our devotion.
Exhaustion recompensed,
With waves of emotion.

The innocence is palpable.
The lips are so sweet.
The blankets disheveled,
Revealing small feet.

The matters that haunt us,
As troubles persist,
Shrink into Neverland,
While this blessed moment exists!

Now revel in this sight,
For you know it won’t last.
Children are ephemeral.
They grow up so fast!

Author of “The Power of Dadhood”

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What is Your Purpose?

2/18/2019

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This photo was taken by my 3 year old grandson with an IPAD while I was babysitting him and his cousin.

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

One of the funniest movies ever made, in my mind, is “The Jerk” starring Steve Martin. The hero, Navin, is a bit naïve not understanding, as a White man, that he was actually adopted by his Black, sharecropper family. The family is poor, and Steve Martin’s character wants to help. He is told by his loving adoptive mother he has a “special purpose” and he wants to find out what it is so he can go out into the world to find a way to send money home. He does so, with many mistakes and comic results, until he finally finds out what his “special purpose” is – and with great joy! At least in the short term.

Steve Martin’s character had it all backward. He took action to find his purpose, and many of us do the same. Now if you don’t have a special purpose in life, then do what the Jerk character did. Take action, and your actions may find a purpose. I actually use this tactic when I write some of my articles. I start writing random thoughts and eventually find a theme. Granted, I have to delete quite a bit of work to clean up my random thoughts, but each word got me to a final product.

It is best, however, to first have a purpose to direct your actions. For instance, a pitcher throws a curve ball with the purpose of getting the batter out. A hitter takes batting practice with the purpose of being able to hit a curveball. Otherwise, why throw a curveball or take batting practice to hit one? While there’s really only one good reason to throw a curveball, there is more than one reason to have sex. If you act similarly to Navin, you may take action first (sex) and then find yourself a parent. That may not have been what your special purpose was intending.

So what is your purpose?

I’m talking about your ultimate purpose. Is it to be respected, to get rich, to be healthy, to be successful, to be influential, to create, to serve, to be happy, something else, or combinations of such? Whatever it is or was, it changes when you have children. Not that you have to give up previous purposes, they just become goals and not your purpose. It doesn’t change anything else you want to do except to give priority to that which needs priority. Your purpose in life, until they are on their own, should be the well-being of your children and family. It’s unbelievably rewarding! Helping others, especially loved ones, to lead successful lives only adds to your own success! When your purpose as a parent is complete, new goals of your choosing will be available. And that’s not so bad. Personally, I’ve had twenty plus years of creating and prioritizing new goals and purposes for each day, week, month, and year since my children have gone on to be responsible for themselves. My new adventures have been enjoyable, but none have been as rewarding.

Summary

When your actions have a purpose, you will react with purpose. When you have priorities, you will choose the right actions for the situation. You will skip poker night when your child is in a play. Your golf game will suffer while you’re coaching baseball. And some decisions are very tough! A promotion at work may require you to be away from home more than you like. What is your purpose? Will the new position help your family in the best possible way overall? Living life with a purpose will get the best out of you, while just living day-by-day is giving your life to the unpredictability of the wind. Steve Martin was lucky to have found his special purpose, but was it really his own, or what he was told it was? Not becoming a parent is an honorable and wise choice if you can’t commit to the role. If you are a parent to young children already, it’s too late for narcissism.

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All That Glitters

2/11/2019

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www.shorouknews.com

‘All that glitters is not gold’ is an old proverb that means simply because something is attractive or beautiful doesn’t mean that thing is valuable. I think most of us with any life experience know the saying and understand it. But however well we know the concept, we are often duped! I can think of four causes of falling for shiny objects that cannot pass the test of value.

Low intellect or unawareness
Inexperience
Naivety
Dishonesty

The first three are closely related. You could add overly trustful or hopeful, lies of others, youth, exuberance, lack of research, gullibility, etc. But in my mind, most would fall into one of the four categories above. As we educate ourselves, experience more of life and develop a sixth sense, we learn to resist those things that may appear irresistible -- but that takes time, the one thing young people haven't had as yet.

Here are some examples of glitter than indeed failed the luster of real gold (value).

Love interests: In the real “Little Mermaid” story, this young maiden of the sea is willing to give up everything she knows for the two-legged man she loves, only to lose him to someone else. Her trust, naivety, and hope ends up devastating her. She gave up too much to chase a dream that was extremely unlikely.
Smoking was once the glitter that duped millions into the habit, killing many! The Marlboro Man (who died of lung cancer), James Bond who dangled a smoke from his lips in a tux, Audrey Hepburn with her fashionable cigarette holder, and James Dean, the smoking bad boy in “Rebel Without a Cause”, were all shiny objects to adoring fans. Phlegm coughing, out of breath, everyday people, nor cancer and emphysema patients were in advertisements and rarely portrayed in older movies.
Even Cheech and Chong were the glitter that showcased hilarity, good times, and no worries because of their marijuana habit. Young people were sucked in. “That looks like fun”, “I wanna be cool (and fit in)” and, “I think pot is a representation of my rebellion”, I heard friends say and believe, because being cool was essential. Nothing in Cheech or Chong’s movies hinted at the medical advantages it may have. That was not the glitter! If there was gold, it was the fool's gold of escape.
Many were tricked into the promises of Communism, and as a result, 20-30 million people died – you can look it up. “From each according to their abilities, to each according to their needs” sounds fair and reasonable until put into practice. Some people naturally work harder than others while being rewarded the same, and when they find that out, they lose incentive and slow down. When that happens everyone starves, except those enforcing the rules.
Playing the lottery may be fun, but it is a sham as the answer to solving all your problems! It suggests extreme wealth is possible with no emphasis on the minuscule chance of winning. No mention of the troubles it causes for many of the one in 100 million who do win, nor is it an accomplishment for which to be proud. I know many who play the lottery for fun. If that’s the case, I’m all for it. But don’t ever think of it as a way out of anything. The only glitter involved is a dream that will very, very, (add a million more ‘very’s) unlikely to ever come true via that shiny carrot.
Smartphones are a current glittering object. One of the most glittering objects of all time! They are so helpful and useful that we cannot deny what they do for us. But we have to step back and ask ourselves when and where we place a limit on our use of them? Texting has taken our voices and intimacy. The incredible camera has made us vain and intrusive. The easy access to social media has made us prisoners of a competition for attention, unreal comparisons to others, virtual addiction to opinions, undue praise and condemnation placed upon us and, lastly, interest in the lives of pop celebrities and ne’er-do-wells who waste valuable moments when we could be learning, relaxing, or visiting and loving those close to us. Not only can glittery objects let us down -- they can hurt us!

Outside of the dishonesty of those who deceive and bring us glittering objects that have little value, it is our fault when we are pulled in without vetting, without some investigative work, without asking for the advice of those who we trust and know more than us. Remember these wise sayings. "Let the buyer beware! Too good to be true! Avoid rabbit holes!"

Helping Our Children

It’s unfortunate that children are the most susceptible to glittering objects. They are naïve, inexperienced, and their comparative ignorance is only natural because they have lived and learned less than their elders. We, as parents, are complicit when our children are deceived. We can be the actual deceivers when we ignore bad behavior, allow back-talk, do not insure homework is done, or allow six to ten hours of screen time a day. It is also a fault of parents that don’t prepare their children for what they may come up against, such as peer pressure, or the temptation of things that are too good to be true. Kids need guidance! They need to be given responsibilities, life lessons, and consequences when bad behavior or decisions have been made. Teach your children to ask questions about every glittery object or idea. Offer your help. Be there to help them find those answers. And most importantly, teach the attitude that the most glittery, backed up by the most valued of all things, tangible or not, are the earned successes they achieve in life!

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My Favorite Game this Weekend Was NOT the Super Bowl

2/4/2019

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It’s about two hours before the Super Bowl as I start writing. It will likely have started when I’m still writing. Now how do I know it isn’t my favorite game this weekend before it even begins? For one thing, I will watch little, if any, of it. Although my favorite sport is baseball, I do love the game of football. But as a guy who is from a town that has lost two NFL teams, I’m taking a time-out. The true reason it won’t be my favorite is that I already saw a game that means so much more to me on Saturday morning at the YMCA. It has to do with diversity and having a chance…but not in the ways you may be thinking.

My six-year-old grandson is on a basketball team with a bunch of his buddies. I’ve practically watched these kids grow up from the sidelines in this and other sports. I must say, they are a great bunch of boys. If there were one bad kid on the team, he would stand out -- and none do. It’s a friendly family affair! Moms, Dads, many grandparents, siblings, all come to cheer, talk, and play on the sidelines during the game. It’s indeed a remarkable scene in a real Americana setting.

This Super Bowl weekend they played a team that captured my heart. At first sight, they looked spirited but supremely beatable. Before it started, I was hoping this would be a fair game, not that our team could be confused with the Celtics, but I’ll explain. While our kids are all about the same size, and while we have two or three excellent players, they are close in talent for their age. The other team, however, was “Team Diversity”. Not the diversity regarding the various backgrounds of the players, but on the team’s purposeful goal of letting everyone have a chance, regardless of size, experience, or ability. Our team has the exact same goal, they’re just not as diverse! While we have a few mediocre players (at least now in their development), everyone plays an equal amount.

Let me point out that diversity can be applied in many ways. The diversity of these two teams was the range in talent. Here’s what I mean. If the best player on my grandson’s team was an 8 on a scale of ‘10’, then the worst player may be a ‘4’ (a spread of 8 to 4 and a small range). But on Team Diversity, they had two players who were ‘10’s, one who was a ‘6’, three who were ‘3‘s, and two who were ‘1’s (a spread of 10 to 1 and a big range).

It appeared to be the first year of basketball for most on Team Diversity, except the best three. One boy was about 2 ft. 6.in. And another had Down’s syndrome. At first, the only coach I saw was a middle-aged lady of possibly Indian heritage. I admired her so much! She may have never played basketball, but she coached those kids well until an older man later took over the duties.

I shouldn’t have worried. While everyone on Team Diversity played a fair amount, they played a great game! Standard ‘traveling’ calls being nonexistent, fouls (what fouls?), and out-of-bounds being outside of the YMCA itself, it was a wild game. But it was more than competitive. If they had kept score, we would have lost! Their two superstar ‘10’s did all the damage, occasionally letting their teammates have the ball to run around in a joyous circle or two, proud to have handled (held) the ball. And the 2 ft. 6 in. Guard just may be a star someday!

What was also great, our boys could not care less whether they were guarding one of the other team’s stars, the short guy, or the boy with Down’s syndrome. They did their assignments with vigor and spirit, giving each player on the other team their due regard!

Down the line as they grow older, the boys on both teams will separate on to other teams based on ability and desire, some not playing at all. That’s how it is and will be. But not at this time and at this age! Everyone gets a chance! Some kids start slow, some fast, some get better and better, and others do not. But every kid should find this out on their own, using the talents they have, the interests they gravitate to, and with the help of those who give them their chances in sports, school, or any creative endeavor!

It was a SUPER game!

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The Power of Self-Responsibility!

1/28/2019

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This little one wants to do things herself!

"God helps those who help themselves"
~ Benjamin Franklin

My goal in life is good health, to be free of anxiety, to help others when possible, and not have to depend on anyone. That’s also what I want for my children. Granted, we don’t have control in all of these things, but we do have a say. I find that we don’t always take advantage of our ‘say’ in these matters. I have placed myself in situations where my health is ignored, where anxiety is a bi-product of a choice I made, where I pass on chances to help, and dependency is the only way out of a predicament. So do you!

Nevertheless, we should strive to do our human best to help ourselves despite the fact we will often fail in our efforts. But failing at improvement is like failing to reach the top of Mt. Everest. Even if you don’t reach the peak, you have demonstrated a willingness to plan ahead, to look risk in the face, and to ignore some present suffering to achieve a higher goal – all tools of future success!

Most of those I know would not express their thoughts of me as a ‘hard-ass’, at least I hope so. However, a few friends and family have criticized me for my views on self-responsibility by declaring some people are more helpless than others. While true, I’m a hardliner on pushing accountability to the degree possible for each of us. I’m a hard-ass on myself as much as anyone. Almost every disadvantage ever placed upon me involved terrible decisions as a factor, whether those decisions were my own or those who were responsible for raising and/or influencing me. These acts were rarely, if ever, intentional -- just a lack of foresight or inability to take charge. I rarely fault myself for bad outcomes as much as I do for a lack of planning or for not considering all possible outcomes.

Passing down questionable life choices

Without getting into detail, I was raised in a very dysfunctional home where daily life was chaotic. No stability, no feelings of comfort or safety, a lack of money, and life lessons that were reactive instead of proactive. Why? Much had to do with the choices of, not only myself and those directly influential in my life, but also those before them -- and those before them. For example, my paternal grandfather owned a bar and, in tragic irony, was an alcoholic. His wife, while kindly, was not an ideal mother in any sense of the term. Together they had six boys and one girl in a highly dysfunctional home – their lives revolving around the running of a tavern and all that comes with that. My father, the third oldest, being lost in the crowd and without much supervision, left home at 11 years of age learning the life of a vagabond and becoming an alcoholic like his father. While still a teen, he decided to see the world joining the Merchant Marines and sailed the seas, disappearing often and rarely sharing his pay with his family.

My mother’s parents were sharecropping farmers in southeast Missouri. My grandmother had a hard life! Her mother died eight days after her birth, and her father shipped her off to live with another family in the aftermath. She was forever unhappy -- even in her later years. My maternal grandfather, her husband, was a very strict, stoic, and religious man, kind but never displaying much love towards his wife or daughter. He was a very hands-off father busy with his farming and religion. My grandparents divorced when my mother was thirteen, and she didn’t see her father for four years. The effect this life had on my mom was predictable -- a young girl who wanted adventure, the attention of a male figure, to be told she was pretty, and deserving of love. Although a good student, she quit school at sixteen years of age thinking she was ready to be an adult.

My nomad father had a thing for redheads and met my fifteen-year-old redheaded mother, nine years his junior, while home between sea duty. When sober, he had a very charming side to him and gave my mother the attention she craved. Although put off by the age difference, my mother enjoyed the attention of an older, interesting, man of the world. Well, it was quite inevitable that I would eventually come into this world as a result of their liaisons. I thank them for that or I would not be here, but they were not meant to be parents, not as a teenager for my mother, and never for my father, who refused any responsibility for his children.

They decided to get married soon after my mother became pregnant at 16 years old and eventually brought six more children into the world. That brings me back to our dysfunctional upbringing and the point I want to make. The mistakes my parents made -- quitting school, drinking, my father’s decision to abandon us, etc. -- were directly responsible for our plight. Indirectly responsible were the conditions in which they were raised themselves and so forth. Fault is rarely borne to one person; it has a family tree. Therefore, it's up to ourselves to break free of unhealthy life choices passed down to us. This isn’t to say that one can’t make terrible decisions on their own, nor does it suggest we place all fault on our parents

So as I grew up, we were often on welfare or given some mercy on occasion by churches, etc.. We got blocks of cheese and powdered milk from the government, more than we could consume, and toys from caring people at Christmas. We needed help, but why? Unwise life choices! It wasn’t the fault of us children, not yet. But our lifestyle was sure to be imitated in varying degrees into the next generation if something didn’t change. As it turned out, we all made common mistakes growing up but added to that were the burdens that followed us from our upbringing. Today, despite five siblings failing to graduate from high school, mimicking our parents, most of us have broken the cycle of chaos to lead much better lives for our families! Unfortunately, a couple of siblings struggle mightily to this day from a lack of planning, a feeling of helplessness or defeat, or just bad choices; and those struggles have now moved into a third generation for some.

Being accountable is being answerable to no one…but yourself!

You don’t have to be stupid to make bad decisions. All it takes is a lack of vision and a lack of planning. Those in our family who have elevated their situation in life have taken on accountability for their futures. We’ve changed our ways and found people to listen to, taking their advice. We have all worked very hard to get past the lifestyle we knew. Self-responsibility or the lack of it is a learned characteristic for most! If being responsible for one’s self is not absorbed through the example of others, then we must start being accountable for seeking it ourselves. Those that do will always do better than those who don’t.

Note: I must qualify that the type of people I’m talking about have the resources we have in the US, with reasonable intelligence, no major medical (including mental) issues or disabilities. I also exclude those with whatever disadvantages I am leaving out that cannot be controlled by themselves. Those who are so unfortunate deserve our help in every way possible! They above anyone deserve compassion! Yet so many people are in terrible situations from their own disservice to themselves and take resources from those that didn’t have a choice, or had no part in their predicament.

Questions to ask yourself

So, parents, I ask you to think about a few things. 1) What bad habits and lessons did you pick up from your parents? 2) Have you tried to kick them out of your life? 3) Are there bad habits and/or misleading lessons you are passing on? You may not know unless you think about it. 3) Are you making excuses for your children and not putting any responsibility on their shoulders? 4) Are you consistent, fair, and demanding enough, or is it too easy to look the other way? 5) How many mistakes have you or your children made that have placed a burden on their lives that could have been avoided?

Sometimes it just takes a little thought and a change in attitude to change your life in beautiful ways. It would do well for your children to hear words like these from you, their parents. In no way do I, nor will anyone, expect bad choices to cease. That’s merely impossible, even when thought is given in advance. No doubt my mistakes will continue as long as I live. However, nothing but good can come from minimizing as many mistakes as possible. And yes, in times of a tough economy, the best of us can feel it – but not nearly as much as those without the power of self-responsibility. Teach your children responsibility and give responsibility to them. Besides love, there are not many things better to offer!

Michael Byron Smith,
Author of “The Power of Dadhood”

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My Dad, Polly

1/21/2019

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Kids look for guidance every day. Occasionally, they even ask for it. Kids have questions that beg answers and fears that hover over them. Not always will they admit their insecurities and if they work them out on their own, that’s great! Most of the time, they will need an assist. An observant parent will notice when their child is struggling emotionally. Prompting a troubled child may get them to speak if they are ready, and most of the time things can be worked out.

A proactive maneuver to consider is to put positive ideas in your kids' heads in advance. If successful, these ideas will provide helpful ways to look at everyday issues giving them the patience and/or confidence to move forward until a problem is resolved. These ideas can be stated, preached, taught, practiced and/or written down. They can be borrowed from quotes or books, preachers or mentors, friends, or invented on your own. For instance, one of the 'wisdoms' that helped me tremendously as a young boy was when I was told by my mom, "Don't worry, this will go away in time and you will feel much better." I remembered this advice every time I was upset about something. Granted, sometimes it takes a long time for things to "pass", but knowing a 'future me' will be healed made the 'present me' feel much better.

Posters of encouragement can be made and placed strategically. A list of 'thinking points' can be printed out as reminders to drive these ideas into the sometimes thick skulls of your kids. The list below is an example. It is a photo of a page consisting of little 'wisdoms' given to my kids back in 2001 (excuse the chopped off letters). If I were to write something like this today, it would likely change significantly. But that was what I thought would be of help at the time. I know at least a couple of ideas were absorbed because they were repeated back to me.

As your children's parents, you know them best. Therefore, you can devise the thoughts and sayings that would work best for them. Ignore their seeming disinterest. When the need arises, they will want help and will remember where to look for it. At a minimum, they will know you care, and that alone is a significant act of love towards your children - something they need to know.

Yes, I’m corny and a little Pollyanna, especially considering my macho guy nature. LOL! But if being a little corny and Pollyanna-ish helps my kids or grand-kids, then call me ‘Polly’ for short.

Michael Byron Smith, father of three, grandfather of four.

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Sometimes a Better Life is just a Stepladder Away

1/14/2019

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Made with my grandkids' KidsDoodle App

We all want the best in life, and while some things are out of practical reach, others hang out there like a ripe apple just a stepladder away -- yet remain untouched! Wanting to change is a start, but it certainly isn’t easy to always follow through. Over 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail by Valentine’s Day. Coincidentally, Valentine’s Day is when most promises made to loved ones to change for the better are broken. Challenges made to yourself are the toughest to keep, and it takes a real hero to meet those challenges. Conscientiousness is not as common of a trait as we would hope.

I was a potential stepladder for a couple of men who chose not to accept my help. A program exists in St. Louis to mentor young fathers who were recently released from prison and had gone through a rigorous course to help them adjust to a second chance. I volunteered because of my interest in advancing the culture of fatherhood. The first young man assigned to me seemed eager to become a good father and contributing citizen. I gave him a pep talk and my phone number to call me if he needed help or guidance. We were also supposed to meet occasionally to check his progress and to see how I might help. After this first meeting, however, I never heard from or saw him again. I called his phone, left messages, and contacted the organization that brought us together with no luck. A few months later I was matched to a second young father, a fresh graduate of this excellent program. Knowing what happened the first time, I was still encouraged after talking to him. But it happened again. One phone call and then no more contact.

Maybe these two young men were sincere in their efforts to make good in their futures. They likely had hope with the confidence gained from the program they had just graduated. But this program was not entirely voluntary. Taking it was voluntary. but they were highly monitored and would lose many privileges if they didn’t toe the line. Once given some freedom of choice it may have been too easy to do what they wanted, and my help was not part of that.

Hopefully, these two young men have turned their lives around and are doing well. I sure hope so for them and their families. Maybe they didn’t need my help, but if I were to see them again, I would advise them to accept all the help they can get – and if they decide not to accept it, be courteous enough to say “thanks but no thanks.”

In the US, 78% of people live paycheck to paycheck. I would guess 78% of that 78% do that voluntarily. It’s not a plan to act this way, it’s the lack of a plan to save or to spend more wisely. It’s the same with dysfunctional families. They don’t want dysfunction. They just don’t have a consistently adhered-to plan to raise their children, or don't know how to get along with each other, or to save money, or never think of asking for or wanting help.

Yes, this article may may a bit negative because I’m pointing out behaviors that has affected me, my family, and millions in very nonproductive ways. But the upside of this story is the fact that many positive changes are just a stepladder away. And more importantly, we need to keep that stepladder nearby at all times! Help is there if you really want it.

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Your Home May Be a Shack, but Your Mind Can Be a Palace

1/2/2019

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When thinking about your present situation in life, likely because it is the beginning of a new year, think about what your contribution has been and what it could be. An example:

'Poor' is a description that can be misunderstood. We can have poor vision, poor attitudes, poor health, etc. But here I use poor as it is often thought of, to portray someone who has a lack of income or wealth. While many people are poor in this sense, we can all be rich in other areas. Indeed, one does not need money to do any of the following:

Read
Play
Exercise
Write
Sing
Smile
Love
Imagine
Pray
Think
Dance
Be gracious
Be friendly
Have vision
Help someone
Have an opinion

No one can deny anyone the actions above, except to ourselves. Can someone refute that a poor child with perseverance and desire is wealthier, in the most beneficial ways, than a rich child with indifference and entitlement? If you are a healthy adult and remain poor, it’s very possible you have not partaken in many of the bulleted actions above. I did not have all those qualities as a child. Had they been explained to me, and if I had listened, life would have been so much more comfortable with or without the privilege of money.

It is best always to consider yourself the problem. For if you think the world around you is the problem, then you are helpless. But if you decide and believe that you (your beliefs, your attitude, your lack of creativity, your procrastination, your victimization, etc.) are the problem, then you have control suggesting that solutions and progress are possible. Quotes:

Benjamin Franklin said, “Content makes poor men rich; discontent makes rich men poor.”
In Angela’s Ashes, Frank McCourt wrote, “You might be poor, your shoes might be broken, but your mind is a palace.”
And lastly, my favorite, “We are not rich by what we possess but by what we can do without.” Immanuel Kant

I would supplement Kant’s quote by saying ‘we are rich by what we possess that we can do little without,’ which would be the bulleted qualities listed above, all of which require vision. Therefore, your highest value resides in your vision.

Michael Byron Smith
Author of “The Power of Dadhood”

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Christmas and the Grinch That Hated Christmas Lights

12/21/2018

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Christmases Past

As a kid, my siblings and I had nice Christmases even though we were poor. A few were supplemented with kind members of a nearby church. But with the help of relatives and my mom prioritizing over other needs, we always had gifts to open and Christmas mornings were a joy!

Between my late teens and becoming a parent, Christmas is kind of a blur because no small children were there to forge a memorable impression. That all changed when my wife and I became parents. Again we got into the wonder of Santa, Rudolf, elves, and presents. Our kids picked up on Christmas traditions like reindeer automatically know how to fly. We were excited about them being excited and looked forward to Christmas morning almost as much as they did. However, not all was merry and bright!

I confess that I was not as enthusiastic about decorations and the hoopla of Christmas season as my wife, Kathy, especially the many weeks prior. The day after Thanksgiving, Kathy wanted to put up the tree. I wasn’t quite in the mood yet, but I lugged it up, griping, and put on half the ornaments. I never really liked wrapping presents nor did Kathy like the sloppy and wasteful way I did it. My biggest gripe about the Christmas season as an adult is Christmas lights! I now refuse to put them up after many years of aggravation with those little bulbs of terror that never seemed to work for any length of time. I had too many wasted hours hanging them up and having them fail over and over again. I would work myself into a terrible mood when it took up half my day in the cold to get them repaired only to do it again a week or less later.

Now, I feel a little guilty because Kathy decorates the door and bushes herself, quietly (sometimes) angry (always) that I won’t help. Sure enough, this year she has had to fix or replace the lights at least four times. I don’t know how long she will put up with the aggravation that she shows - but won’t admit to. If I give in to hanging or fixing the lights, I will be stuck forever allowing my Christmas to be less than enjoyable, baa humbug! I would happily settle for a spotlight shining on a wreath on our door to show our holiday cheer. Yes! I’m a terrible husband for my stance! Note: Our kids were way past believing in Santa before I stopped harassing and being harassed by Christmas lights.

But all the preparation and work on Christmas morning, mostly by Kathy, seemed to be more than worth it watching our kids open presents which, by the way, came with rules. Kathy insisted the kids take turns opening their presents, one at a time. That never happened when I was a kid, but I liked the rule. Eventually, they grow up, and the magic that comes with little children disappears - no eyes the size of saucers, no screaming or jumping up and down. No little girls in brand new pajamas with missing teeth, or little boys wearing new cowboy boots in their underwear. It becomes a nice, but relatively unexciting, day of controlled present unwrapping and polite words of thanks when only adults are involved.

Then come the grandchildren! The excitement returns! They want to help you with your ornaments and trimming, which triples the time it takes to decorate! Afterward, they want to play with everything shiny and new, breaking some. Hiding presents is necessary once more. Wondering what they might want is a chore (again, Kathy) and buying too much is a given.

I still don’t like wrapping presents and putting up lights! My wife doesn’t like the Grinch in me. But we do have new traditions along with the old ones. For instance, cookie day is a must for my wife, daughters, and kids. I help as a photographer, taste tester, and bowl-licker. My primary responsibility comes on Christmas Eve when the extended family gets together for dinner and fun at our family farmhouse (which I decorate without lights). In the days prior, I look for inexpensive gifts, mostly from the Dollar Store, and wrap them as prizes for the kids who win rounds of Christmas Bingo. The first one who gets five elves - or sleigh bells - or wreaths, in a row, wins a present to open. The older kids help the younger kids, and they get such a kick sharing the excitement with younger siblings and cousins.

Yes, Christmas can bring a lot of joy and a causes a lot of angst. I give credit to my wife for the joy it brings to our grandchildren, and I thank her! But it will take a Christmas miracle or new technology for me to give in to the hell of Christmas lights. We just can’t seem to get along!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! Christmas has always been a mixture of emotions, changing with the circumstances of your life. One constant has been the absolute joy of kids and Christmas morning. Of course, the birth of Jesus is why Christmas exists at all, and the holiday has certainly has become too commercialized. But the joy of Christmas includes the smiles of children around the world. Certainly their smiles would make Jesus smile also.

PS. My book, "The Power of Dadhood" may be a thoughtful present for Dad!

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