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A Better Society, One Child at a Time.

2/15/2022

“A Better Society, One Child at a Time.”

That was the subtitle I chose for my book, “The Power of Dadhood”. My publisher, Familius LLC, changed the subtitle to “How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”. This subtitle is not misleading because this is what my book intends to help fathers to do. My only objection being the suggestion that any father receiving it as a gift may get the wrong impression from the giver. Of course, no judgement is being made. I’m not complaining, but I want to explain the reason for my original subtitle.

As great as our American society is, we have pockets where crime, poverty and drug use are serious problems. These issues and others come intertwined. Find one of these issues and you’ll find the others. Grand ideas to fix these issues come and go. None will work without getting to the root causes and the finding the solutions for those root causes. It may not surprise you that in my mind, the root cause is the breakdown of the nuclear family; and the primary cause of that breakdown is a lack of nurturing fathers in the home!

I believe prevention is much more effective than developing cures. Children brought up in a loving, nurturing atmosphere are not as likely, by far, to become criminals, drug users, or to find themselves in poverty. I can almost read your minds as you say to yourself, “Well, obviously!” So, if being so obvious, as a preventative measure, then where is the grand idea, the grand plan to cause more families to be whole?

How do we fight crime? Crime is fought by the increased presence of police, or cameras (less freedom for all), or through punishment. Wouldn’t crime be better decreased by having better citizens? Fathers working with mothers are key in this effort!

Food pantries help feed the hungry. How does that happen in America? Would not a young girl, raised in a two-parent family, who has been shown love and how to be properly treated, have a much better chance of finding the right man to marry. And would she not be likely to become a teen pregnant and alone, finding it difficult to feed her family?

The rising cost of healthcare is a problem for all. The health habits of people are highly affected by how they were raised. Were fruits and vegetables a big part of your family’s diet? Or were fast foods much more common? Did parents smoke and pass on the habit? No doubt smoking and being overweight are huge problems for individuals and the healthcare system that takes care of them. An even more tragic healthcare issue is drug use!

While even the best of families have issues with drug use, it is far more prevalent in broken and dysfunctional homes. Drugs lead to more crime, more deaths, greater healthcare issues, less schooling, and mental issues. It’s not difficult to understand why drug dealers work in impoverished areas, where crime is rampant to pay for habits.

Our greatest natural resource is our youth! How our youth become contributing, even outstanding citizens, depends on how we raise them. So, if each mom and dad showed love and understanding, while consistently valuing and enforcing principles, our youth will feel love, have skills, and see the future as hopeful for them. A few of our youth will stray anyway, despite our best efforts. And some children raised in chaos break through somehow and experience success. These, however, are very rare anomalies. Don’t leave the fate of your children to chance.

Moms are more often in the picture regarding their children. Dads are the parent usually missing or unfamiliar with their role. It’s not always the fault of fathers. Sometimes dads are not allowed, or discouraged by moms, to be involved in raising their kids. Some fathers are too young or selfish to be involved, having come from dysfunctional homes themselves, still lost in the cycle. The new dads, those without examples, need our help. They can stop the cycles in their families with our help.

Imagine if every home had nurturing parents! Imagine is every child had both a male and female mentor. In a generation or two, crime, drugs, teen births, etc. would be decreased tremendously!! One child at a time!

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Maybe the Most Important Habit to Teach Your Kids

1/31/2022

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You’ve likely heard the joke, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” Personally, I’d rather eat a cow, but that’s not the point. The point is to never take on more than you can handle at any specific time. Instead of putting your head in a spin, rotating, but not going anywhere, just take a step forward. In time, your personal elephant will be digested. You can use the tusks to pick your teeth, metaphorically speaking.

We all know that what you learn when you are young comes more quickly and stays with you longer. This applies to goal setting. This is when a parent can be a huge, positive influence on the life of their child. Goal oriented people are naturally more successful than most. But goals set and not met can devastate one’s confidence. The answer is mini goals towards a target goal.

Like climbing steps to reach a friend’s apartment on the third floor, you must first reach the first floor. To reach the first floor, you must take the first step. Even the first step to the first floor is a victory if you’re recovering from a broken hip or had heart surgery. But it is a necessary step for all of us.

The key to convincing your child to always have goals is the rewards they bring. While it’s up to your child to pick a goal desirable to them, they may not be in the best position to plan an assault to get there. The way to get those big rewards (achievement alone is a reward) is to make the mini-goals challenging, but achievable tasks. A mini goal too easily obtained is not satisfying. A mini goal too difficult to obtain will result in failure, disappointment and discouragement. Only a parent is wise enough and knows their child enough to choose mini goals wisely.

Success in any endeavor is an endorphin and can surely become habit forming. Of course, goals are age related and can be anything relatable to them. Fun challenges can be a good start, before they really know what they want. For example:

How far can they run? Improving each week.
How many books (or pages) can they read in a week?
How much weight can they lift? Improving each month.
How to get better grades by dedication increasing time studying without distractions.
What treat/honor can they score by keeping their room clean all week?
How many people did they smile at today?
Can they do flash cards faster, or move up to higher level flash cards?
How many free throws can they make in a row? 3 today, 10 next week, improving over time to maybe 25.

Always keep a carrot or a Twinkie on a stick for your children to work towards. Of course, the goals get more serious and likely tougher as they age. But having a goal-setting routine or mindset, and patience to achieve goals in a step by step manner will make all the difference in your lives.

Michael Byron Smith
Author of 'The Power of Dadhood'

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When Should the Few Disrupt the Many?

1/14/2022

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Have you heard of families that have to go to two or three different fast-food restaurants because not everyone in the family wants the same food? Let’s say you’re traveling by car and want to get some lunch. You all decide on Taco Bell, but little Freddie wants a Happy Meal at McDonalds. Do you go to both restaurants in the name of being an accommodating parent? Maybe, if McDonalds is next door. But there isn’t one at this exit (surprise!) so you travel two exits down to get the Happy Meal. Sometimes, this is okay. But if you always do this to satisfy their whims, you might create a monster.

In my last blog post, I discussed life not being fair. I’d like to continue along that theme. The question here is why should a large majority give up their needs to satisfy a small minority, and when? The short answer, I believe, has to do with reasonable rights. As a country, I believe the Founding Fathers did a good job in this area, balancing the needs of all. That’s why we have a House of Representatives (representing the many) and a Senate (protecting the few) which check and balance each other.

Getting back to the family, if one member requests something different from everyone else, they have that right - IF specific reasons or needs exist. It could be they have allergies, diet needs, or a true revulsion (a rarity). If, however, they are only in a mood for something different, it’s not right to bear upon everyone else. There is something for Little Freddie at Taco Bell. He’s eaten there before.

Now let us go from a family level to a societal level. When should small groups impact much larger groups of citizenry in a negative or troublesome way? Again, it depends on rights and who defines those rights. The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) is a perfect example of a much smaller group of citizens causing a large group of citizens to be affected for the needs of that smaller group. The impacts are small in some ways, large in others, such as building requirements, heavy costs. But it is the right thing to do, and few would argue that point.

In the last few years, however, small, organized and unorganized groups are causing serious disruptions to the many that may not be necessary. I say ‘may not be necessary’ allowing for reasons yet unknown to me. I will mention a few.

There has been a large cry by a few to defund the police. The few get satisfaction for real and perceived police misconduct. The many lose important community needs for safety, and increased crime.
There have been sexually explicit books allowed in many elementary schools. For the few, this liberates certain lifestyle choices. For the many, children have been exposed to pornographic language and depictions before they or their parents are ready to touch upon a sensitive topic in the way they choose.
The Black Lives Matter organization wants to tear down the idea of the nuclear family. The few get something from this for what I’m truly unsure. Of course, we know all families cannot be nuclear. The many are impacted by the real statistics that show more poverty, drugs, crime, and teen mothers occurring in non-nuclear families. Certainly, some non-nuclear families are very successful.
Many District Attorneys in major cities are not prosecuting crimes. The few are claiming this is necessary for equity, protecting criminals’ rights. The many are impacted by higher crime, more expensive insurance, and a greater exposure of highly unethical acts to foul a neighborhood, culture, and society.
A culture exists of canceling the free speech and activities with whom a few disagree. For these few, they are gaining leverage in their ideals. For the many, free speech is being restricted in US and some are losing rights and an their chosen way of living.
Biological males who identify as female are being allowed in women’s restrooms and also competing physically with biological females. For the few, they are living a lifestyle more comfortable for them. For the many, this is uncomfortable, embarrassing, and intrusive. Or, in sports, this philosophy takes away recognition for truly outstanding physical performances by biological women.
There has even recently been some defense of pedophiles! One Harvard professor says the term, 'pedophile' should be replaced with ‘minor-attracted person’. A recent reference in USA Today, since retracted, defended pedophiles as not always being active, and that non-podophiles defile children too, etc. For the few who have some sympathy for the sickness of pedophilia, they assume some necessary awareness, and seek societal help. For the majority, nothing is more important than protecting their children from predators!

These are examples of the few who impact, or affect, the many in ways that hurt the majority. Is there a ‘right’ to defund the police? Is there a ‘right’ to place books of explicit sexual activity in elementary schools? Is there a ‘right’ to eliminate or downplay nuclear families? Is there a ‘right’ of criminals not to be prosecuted? I know there is a right to free speech! Is there a ‘right’ for biological males to enter a women’s restroom? Maybe they have a right to their own restroom, but do the many have to pay for it? And no one has a right to hurt a child, but a pedophile has a ‘right’ to get help from a professional!

While I have my thoughts on this, and the right to say them, you may have different thoughts, and you are welcome to them. But we should consider with much discussion when a few can have leverage over the many when no specific rights are violated. The few may feel this is not fair, and they may be right. But life is not fair! When choices must be made that are not fair, the edge should go to the majority, especially when rights are not being violated.

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A New Year's Gift to Your Children (no matter their age)

1/1/2022

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Kids go through stages. Stages of growing, learning, maturity, understanding, etc. There is a great lesson to be taught in every stage, whether it be how to share, how to be responsible, how to be kind, and so on. All parents know it takes a lot of patience and perseverance to teach these important characteristics. Some of us are better at it than others. There is, however, one lesson every kid should learn before they are tossed out into the cold, cruel world. It's a two-part lesson. From that time forward, it may be the last greatest lesson you can give them.

What is the first part of the lesson? It is one that will free them from many ills such as, dependence, regret, self-pity, misunderstanding, anger, and resentment. It is something kids are taught to be when they are young because it is an admirable trait. But, unfortunately, the lesson doesn’t always hold true in the real world. It’s not that it doesn’t happen frequently, but it can never be assumed or to be counted on. So what is the lesson?

I. Life is not fair and one should accept that reality.

It is true. Life is not fair as we all have experienced. There are many examples of it. Some people have fancy homes and cars while others live on the edge of hunger. That doesn’t seem fair at all. Some people are born into money, some are born with lots of intelligence, and others just seem to have more energy and better instincts. None of those things are fair, but you know what? That’s just too bad and we must get over it!

II. The second part the lesson: "Success is about leverage”!

Kids need to know that in the adult world, decisions are not always made according to fairness. They are more frequently made based on leverage. For instance, educated or skilled people have the leverage of better performance than those who don’t. They are the ones who are awarded scholarships, better jobs, and more money if they use that leverage!

Yes, you say, but there are some not-so-educated and not-so-hard working people that have more money. True, and that may not be fair. But surely they have leverage in some way that allows them to have more money. Any person born into a western culture like the United States has much more leverage than a very hard-working person born in the slums of Calcutta. The leverage in this example is birthplace. Again we see that it isn’t fair that some people are born less fortunate or in the wrong location. But life is not fair and likely never will be.

Note: Be as fair and ethical as possible, but don’t depend on it coming back to you!

Anyone can come up with examples they think are unfair. But in every one of those examples, there will be a situation where leverage has come into play. I thought that it was unfair when I went to college, that I was a commuter student without dorm friends who, I discovered later, helped each other study and had access to all kinds of old tests, etc. They had the leverage of instant help from smarter people who lived across the hall. It wasn’t fair to me, who studied alone. But I didn’t have the leverage of living in the dorms or knowing how things really worked in college. Yes, being naive is on me!

Note: There is NO leverage in being naive!

Here is another example. Should there be a minimum wage and is it fair to have one? Most people who have minimum wage jobs do not have the leverage of an education or special skills. People who hire them have the leverage of a large pool of non-skilled workers from which to choose so they can pay as little as it takes to get the employees they need. You can say it is unfair to these workers who may work very hard for their wages, but the employer has the leverage.

The only leverage unskilled workers may have is when the public, via their government representatives, has sympathy towards them. If deemed by law, these unskilled workers must be paid more than the market alone allows. This becomes fairer for the workers but unfair to the employers who now have to pay an artificially higher amount than the market. It may also be unfair for those that will not be hired because of the higher cost of labor. A majority in a democracy will almost always have leverage.

My wife was a teacher, my son is a soldier, one of my daughters is a college counselor and my other daughter is an occupational therapist. None of them make even one percent of the salary of an average major league baseball player. I think we now know that this is about the leverage of their talent, not the fairness of what occupations are most important in society. We accept that. And I do enjoy baseball even though they are overpaid in the minds of many. It’s not fair that some people have unique leverage that you could never attain, but you can’t wallow in that.

Note: There is no leverage in wallowing!

If your children can understand leverage and the ethical use of leverage, they have a tremendous head start over their peers! Being young, in itself, is a great leverage tool! Young people have time to earn, learn, and implement the things that will become leverage for them later in life, without ever depending on fairness or luck! Those people with this attitude are the ones who seem to succeed and be the most “lucky”.

Note: Understanding leverage IS leverage!

Leverage that doesn’t exist by chance can be built. Working hard in school to have good grades creates leverage over others to get into college or even a scholarship. The education attained via scholarship provides leverage over those without an education to get the best jobs. The money you earn is generally higher because fewer people have your education or skill. We all know that having money is classic leverage.

Note: There is tremendous leverage in a good attitude, a good education, a good work ethic, and a good understanding of how the world operates.

Like intelligence, a special talent, or being born into a well-to-do family, sometimes leverage is given to you. That is a gift. But leverage can be wasted if not valued. Also, leverage given to you can be taken away. It is the worst kind of leverage because you are counting on others and not yourself.

If your older children can grasp the notion that building leverage is to their advantage, that complaining about life not being fair is a waste of time, then you have given them a tremendous advantage in life. The leverage of understanding life, of having a work ethic, and knowing their success is basically up to them, could be the greatest lesson of their life!

Note: Having leverage is not always fair, and being fair does not always create leverage. But try to be fair anyway. It's best for you!

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Success is a Series of Failures Interrupted by Persistence

11/29/2021

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Premise:

With a goal that burns deep within you, with the perseverance of a honey badger, and knowing the path required to get to that goal, you will get make it! This I know because I lived it. The formula is simple, ((Goal + Path) x Perseverance) = Success. The very difficult part is obtaining the terms within that formula.

Why is success so difficult?

Not everyone has a goal. Those that do have a goal may not know the path (or have a plan) to get there. Having those key parts of the equation is a wonderful start, but it will all fall apart without perseverance.

I feel strongly that parents can be key factors in a child obtaining this formula and seeing it through!

For those of you who are not fans of math, I have a story to share:

This recent West Point graduate (2019) is Alex Idrache. He grew up in a slum in Haiti, and he tells the story of how U.S. soldiers were deployed to his neighborhood following the earthquake there several years ago. He says their presence was the first experience of "hope" he recalls in his childhood.

He remembers looking at his dad and asking him who the people were that were helping. His dad looked at him and said, "They are American soldiers." He looked back at his father and said, "One day, I will be an American soldier." His father knew the situation in Haiti was unworkable and tried for several years to obtain a visa to come to the United States. After being denied for several years, he was finally granted a spot in Baltimore. He purchased a ticket on a boat for his family and left Haiti. They arrived and Alex, remembering his dream in the slum several years prior, looked for a way to join the U.S. Army. He found a national guard program that allowed him to join the Army in exchange for citizenship. He didn't hesitate.

After a series of fortunate occurrences, he was given one of the few spots at West Point for prior enlisted soldiers. Despite his severe lack of formal education, he graduated as an honor graduate (top 5% physically and academically) and the top student in the Physics Department. This picture was taken just prior to tossing his hat in the air, the realization of a dream that began 10 years ago in a slum in Port-au-Prince.

If he can do this, what can you do for yourself, or for your child?
Helping Fathers to be Dads Blog

My book, The Power of Dadhood a easy read for dads

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Things You Rarely Hear

11/22/2021

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In these "things you rarely hear", there is some humor (hopefully), but they also have "things to think about.". Here are a few lines I assume you are not likely to hear very often - although quite a few people live within these circumstances.

It’s all about wisdom, listening, learning, and choices folks.

* * *

Hey, if your friends are doing it, it must be okay.
I’ve learned so much in my safe place!
I wish I had a good reason to be on Dr. Phil’s show.
If only I had quit school earlier.
Getting my girlfriend pregnant opened so many doors.
I learned a lot about life watching the Kardashians.
My parents made me too independent.
Being a teen parent is so much better than hanging out with friends.
I never knew 'one night stands' could be so fulfilling.
No dear, you hold the remote.
Personal hygiene is so overrated.
I just LOVE living with my parents.
Yes, I find Birkenstocks very sexy!
I found my best friends through sexting.
My kids never liked being read to.
Heroin made my life so much easier.
If I had it to do over again, I would.
Those nicotine stains give you character.
I do love rhubarb.
Knowing my kids’ friends never was a good idea.
Hey, did you enjoy your overdose as much as I enjoyed mine?
What an awesome shopping cart! Where did you find it?
My dad knows so much more than me.
My kids think I’m too easy on them.
I wish there weren’t so many parks!
My wife hates jewelry.
I try not be consistent. It's too predictable.
Where can I buy that T-shirt? It’s so clever!
My kids love finding those little needles on the sidewalk.
That book, The Power of Dadhood, was terrible! *

Michael Byron Smith, Helping Fathers to be Dads Blog
* I'm crossing my fingers on this last one!

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The Six Best Fathers Under the Sun

11/15/2021

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A good father will make an enormous difference in a child's life. It happens through his strength, support, and discipline as a parent. Being a dad is never easy, but it is rewarding. Seeing your well-adjusted children succeed is beyond comparison. Conversely, the world suffers when fathers are not positive influences! So with tongue-in-cheek, here are my top six fathers under the sun!

1. Mike Mentor

Mike is aware of the need to give constant guidance to his kids. He helps them to understand why things are as they are and teaches them how to avoid trouble and how to handle problems. Mike encourages and motivates his children to always do their best.

2. Alvin Attention

Al knows his kids! He knows their strengths and weaknesses. By supporting their strengths and helping with their weaknesses, Al is shaping his children’s ability to handle their lives in the future. He listens to them with his eyes and ears. Whenever his kids have an important event, it is Al’s top priority. They know he is there for them!

3. Conrad Consistency

Conrad doesn’t confuse his children. He has rules that are fair and reasonable, and he enforces them. Conrad never makes promises he can’t keep nor does he forget to follow up on a deserved punishment. This dad is dependable and his kids know what is expected of them. They can always count on their dad!

4. Harvey Humor

Harvey is a serious parent but a fun dad. His kids love to be around him and they look to him when they are down to see the bright side of things. Harvey knows when to be serious, but he also knows that having a sense of humor can bring his family closer together. He plays with his kids, teases gently, but doesn’t go too far. Harvey's children are thrilled to see him walk through the door!

5. Peter Principle

Pete strives to live his life with integrity and wants his children to do the same. He has strong values and is an example for his children to follow. Peter accepts that mistakes will be made, but never hesitates to correct his children when necessary. He is honest, moral, and has rules and limits. He teaches by being a model for his children to follow.

6. Larry Love

Larry is open about his love of his family. He is gentle, kind and available. He tells his kids when they do well, but will not hesitate to show he cares enough to correct them when necessary. Larry is known for pats on the back and his constant shouts of encouragement. He’s not afraid to look his kids in the eye and say ‘I love you!’

Summary

Every father has his own strengths as do the six dads above. The key thing to know about these six fathers is that they are all related—all in the same extended family. For example, every father above also has the characteristics of the other five fathers because mentoring cannot be done without attention, nor should it be done without principles. Love alone will not enable you to raise well-adjusted children. There must be consistency in their lives or they will be confused. There must be humor or there will be a lack of interest and/or memories without smiles. There are many best fathers in this world because you can only be the best dad in your own family. And that’s all that counts--and that’s all that matters.

These are the fatherly ideals I discuss in my book which add up to “Dadhood”!

Search #powerofdadhood on Twitter and Facebook.

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Birth of a Father

11/15/2021

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“I realized that I was the most important man on the face of the earth to this child”
~ Barry McIntosh, Director of Young Fathers of Santa Fe

A new father admires his daughter as does the grandmother.

Intro to Birth of a Father

Being a father changes a man. It forces him to look at himself and make choices. He asks himself “What will I be from here forth? Will I be up to the task? What will happen to the old me?”

Every new father awakens to a responsibility that can make him whole or shake him to the core. As reported by the National Fatherhood Initiative, 34% of children live absent their biological father. Too often the reasons for the father missing in the home involve not having the internal confidence and/or external means to perform as a dad. Encouragement, mentoring, being welcomed into fathering are sometimes lacking. The lack of any of these can cause a young man to be misinterpreted as not caring.

In the following article you will see how one man awakens to, and cherishes, his new role as a father. As he states in his article, “I realized that I was the most important man on the face of the earth to this child”

Birth of a Father, written by Barry McIntosh, was originally published in 2005 in Tumbleweeds, A Quarterly Newspaper for Santa Fe Families. It is worth republishing now that his daughter is a teenager. Mr. McIntosh was Director of the Young Fathers of Santa Fe, who serve to support young men to become great fathers.

<http://youngfathersofsantafe.org/>

Birth of a Father

The first time I held my daughter I was birthed as a man and as a father. Just minutes after her birth I was cradling her small head in my hands with her mass of dark hair framing her pudgy face. Her eyes looked at me with wide questioning and instinctive knowing. I looked back and welcomed her into the world. As we stared into each others souls I discovered so much. I realized that I was the most important man on the face of the earth to this child. I had never had that experience before and it was all due to my child. I realized that we would have a life together with much happiness and some sorrow. I realized that we had a destiny together and that she would be my greatest teacher and I hers. We were so connected we felt as one. There was a transformation occurring between us, an alchemy reaction that was a spiritual blooming, a truly mythic event. It reached down and moved me at my very core, to the very core of what it means to be male, what it means to be human and what it means to become a father. It is the story of my life, and it is my myth. My wife was watching all this from her bed, looking at us connect. She said that neither of us blinked for half and hour. We were just as one. She saw the magic happening. She also said “I want that with our next child” and we both made sure she did have that with our next child.

I now know what happened that day. From a purely biological perspective strange things are going on. For involved fathers at birth and for a month after the levels of testosterone drops by 33%, estrogen, even though men only have about 10% of what women have, increases 1 month prior and 3 months after birth and prolactin, the hormone that helps produce breast milk, increases in men by 20% for 3 weeks after birth.

Seeing our daughter for the first time I began to understand what had been going on with my wife and the pregnancy. Many men are visually orientated, and I am one of them, so when I finally saw my child I understood what she had been experiencing during the nine months of her pregnancy. Modern technology, namely ultrasound, has now given men an early view of their children before birth. My conversations with fathers indicate that this view has helped them connect with their child earlier. I suspect that the hormonal changes that occur at birth may be happening earlier because of this connection. This is helping the fathers and helps the mothers feel better about their pregnancy. Mothers to be, now see the fathers more involved. It’s wonderful to observe the many young fathers that I work with proudly carrying around their child’s first ultrasound photo in their wallets.

A father’s role in our society seems pretty clear, the father is the provider. It is assumed that the father makes sure there is a roof over the families heads, and that there is food on the table. He is seen as the protector of the family against intrusion or any damaging elements. Usually he is also the strength around the family, which can mean that fathers are in the role as the main person who disciplines the children.

I had all that growing up. It had been modeled for me well. We were a non-physically affectionate family in true Victorian fashion. My father shared responsibility for childcare and keeping the family together very well, so in some aspects of fatherhood I was well prepared but sadly lacking in others. Unfortunately what was also modeled for me was emotional unavailability. I learned very quickly that I had other fatherly roles other than the ones that were modeled for me.

Our first daughter was born overdue by a week. Consequently her skin was constantly in need of massages with oil. I loved the job of giving her a massage each day and this really helped our physical connection. It was a great time just for me and her, it also gave my wife welcome relief from being the main childcare provider. This expanded when our second daughter was born and I then assumed the role, when returning from work, as the bather of the girls. I loved connecting to both my daughters and this built a fantastic bond to both, I was seen as a fun person to be with, a role that I cherished.

When we became pregnant with our second daughter, I wanted to be much more prepared. We attended Childbirth Preparation classes. At the birth of our second daughter I had learned to really feel part of the team and a support for my wife. I had a job to do including timing contractions, supplying ice chips, protecting my wife from the many visitors, being the communicator for the nurses to my wife and for her to the nurses. I felt in control, which I later found very useful for my wife. If the coach can be in control then the laboring woman can surrender into the birth energy and feel comfortable in being out of control, a necessary place to be to let birth take its course unrestricted. This is important work for a man as it taps into his role as problem solver and protector. I felt useful and successful and the experience of birth was greatly enhanced.

I started to work with my wife in her role of a Lamaze childbirth educator. We had classes in our home and I would see fathers being dragged in by their partners. I saw that these classes were uncomfortable for many men. Childbirth is a woman’s domain with mainly women in support roles as nurses and birth assistance. To encourage men into this environment is difficult at best and takes a lot of skill and intention. So I began to teach the coaches role in my wife’s classes. This was very successful and later I created a session just for the fathers on how to care for a newborn. This class was great fun and the guys felt more confident as a caregiver and support to their partners. Often men need a role of action and problem solving to feel complete and useful and that is what we tried to give them.

Later I attended classes to train as a Doula, not really with the intention of practicing as one but to ensure the males’ role was represented. The training was helpful and fascinating both for others to see a male in attendance and to hear the males perspective. We still have a ways to go because if you look up the word Doula in the dictionary one often finds it described as “a woman birth assistant.” I have also had the privilege of being a Doula for a father, helping him through the process of supporting himself and his partner and moving into the father role.

As time went on my role as father had to change and adapt to the ever-changing family needs. I discovered that I was moving into a realm that was very different to my single days, that of the King archetype. The King is the protector of the land and his subjects, a benevolent leader and when my own father died this role immediately became more apparent and vital. I also looked back and realized that the fathers’ role is unique. A father shows his children how men are in the world and mothers cannot do that. I feel that the fathers role is such an important role and sometimes it is not valued enough in our culture.

My children have been my greatest teachers and continue giving me the most wonderful lessons of life. Now I have merged my knowledge about being a father with my passion for teaching fathers and others about fatherhood. I work with The New Mexico Young Fathers Project to pass on these lessons and support these young men in their journey to fatherhood. Showing them the way to their own unique experience of becoming a father, a king and a man.

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A Beautiful Way to Parent

11/1/2021

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“Beauty is only skin deep.”
That’s what they say, and it’s true.
Substance is what’s most important,
But one should give beauty its due.

mbs

If you make breakfast for your kids, you're being a parent. If you make pancakes with strawberry eyes and a whipped cream smile, that's beautiful parenting. It's that little extra effort that stands out.

To me, beauty is the truest sign of caring! The beauty I'm referring to can be visual, of course, but it can also be an act, a thought, or an introduction of soul into a lifeless situation.

I’ve been fortunate enough to have visited Europe a few times. What really stuns me about that part of the world is the splendor of its architecture. There seems to be an appreciation for beauty there that is lacking in many US cities and towns. Cinder blocks can do an excellent job if all one needs is a reliable, safe structure, but it gives nothing to the soul. Any church, mosque, or synagogue will serve its congregation. But those structures that are magnificent bring a depth of meaning to worshipers that a converted strip-mall, storefront ‘house of worship’ cannot.

I visit coffee shops and see people come and go. I can’t judge them or know what they may have accomplished. I do notice, however, how they dress and carry themselves. I particularly appreciate a senior man or woman who takes pride in their appearance. It tells me something positive about them.

When watching homes being rehabbed on TV, I notice the rehabbers check the structure, heating, and cooling, etc. to be sure the house is safe and sound. The house is worthless if not safe and livable. But the house will go unsold until a designer makes it visually and emotionally appealing.

Art may serve to convey a message or capture a scene, but without beauty, or an attention-getting setting, any message will be lost , any scene unnoticed. Art serves beauty, and beauty serves art.

A rainbow has no substance outside of water molecules -- but rainbows are noticed! We can’t touch or use a rainbow; yet we watch them, sing and write about them, and see them as symbols of goodness.

The beauty of nature captures us all! The duty of a flower is simply to be pleasing to the eye. There is beauty in a desert, a wheat field, a canyon, or a mountain. But the more beautiful the scene, the more people search for and write about it.

There can be beauty in the spoken or written word. A speaker or author without this talent will go unnoticed. “I walk in the park,” gets across an action. But, “I often go to the park to watch people, to smell the grass, and throw rocks in the pond,” is deeper. The first sentence is the substance, but the second sentence places beauty within the substance.

I like to notice things. When the day is over, and beauty was a part of it, I am a much happier, richer person. So I say, “YES”! Beauty is only skin deep, but beauty is the icing on the cake, the sun shining through the flag, the glimmer of the lake, the smile on a child’s face, and the spice of my life.

So why do I talk about beauty?

This may not seem like a discussion about parenting and fatherhood. But it remains a lesson for this reason. There are practical and necessary responsibilities of parents that are basic and vitally important. However, to be a successful family you must bring beauty into your home! It is essential to show both substance and splendor as a parent. You should avoid being a 'rainbow mother' -- beauty with no substance. Nor should you be a 'cinder-block father' – protective, practical, and stoic. Instead, be that ‘work of art’ parent with a substantial and beautiful message to share. Or be a solidly built home with character and appeal making it a pleasant place to be. Write or speak words to your kids that excite them, challenge them, and encourage them. Mix those beautiful messages in with those soul-less messages such as, “Do your homework,” or “Clean up your room.” Balance!

Summary

Balance is a key maxim in parenting. As an example, a dad can be stern and maintain the love of his children if he has also revealed the beauty of his character. Being cheerful and fun is the beautiful side of parenting. Every facet of parenting has a responsible, substantive aspect that can be more effective with some beauty mixed in. We’ve seen and read too many stories where a father is at odds with his child, a child that he loves dearly. This occurs when there is no balance to the substantive parenting the father sees as his duty, resulting in a weak connection between the two. Without some beauty and love expressed in a family, the necessary and less enjoyable responsibilities of parenting will be much more difficult.

#powerofdadhood

Read, The Power of Dadhood, by Michael Byron Smith

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Using Quotes to Get Across Your Message

10/18/2021

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“[A] quotation is a handy thing to have about, saving one the trouble of thinking for oneself, always a laborious business."
~ A.A.Milne

I love a good quote! Quotes are a sort of philosophical shorthand which can help an author, speaker, or you to get a point across.

When I wrote, “The Power of Dadhood”, I started each chapter with a quote. I didn’t limit their use to introductions, I used them whenever they helped to make a point. A good quote can say quite a bit in just a few words.

As an example, the quote I used for my ‘Introduction’ was attributed to Mother Theresa.

“The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.”

More than anything, this was a book about the need for, and the power of, love - comparing it to one of the basics of survival - food. This quote sets the stage for the reader and does it with clarity and brevity.

The quote that introduced Chapter One ‘The Power of Fatherhood’, was from Gloria Steinem.

“Most American children suffer too much mother and too little father.”

This quote was used to let the reader know that, along with love, my focus was going to be about the need for love specifically from a father. Steinem’s quote let us know that, among parents, it was not unusual that children learn most of what they know, and spend more time around, their mother. Not necessarily a bad thing, mothers are awesome! But when taken to an extreme, such as a father missing physically or emotionally, can cause numerous issues for a child’s behavior and self-confidence.

I’m not going to explain each quote in “The Power of Dadhood”, but I will say that just reading the quotes will do a lot to help a man be a father to his child. It is my hope, of course, that I enhance each quote using my experiences as a son and as a father. It's like working with a team! Some being brilliant.

With that introduction, here are some quotes that may get you thinking.

#powerofdadhood

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