I had a bad day last week! Nothing I could do would get me out of it. If you ever stubbed your toe, had a flat tire, and a password that didn’t work and which you couldn’t reset, all in the same day--you know what I mean. It happens to all of us occasionally. If you’re lucky, and/or plan ahead, these not-so-good days should be few.  But a few bad days are inevitable and realizing that can help get you through the day. That, and knowing about and looking forward to the other days you will have in your life.

What are the other types of days that you can experience in your, hopefully, many days on this earth? I’ve found in my own experience that there are seven basic types of days and you will live them over and over. I’ve already brought up “Bad” days. The other six are:

• Giving Days
• Taking Days
• Playing Days
• Resting Days
• Loving Days
• Good Days

These days don’t come in order like the seven days of the week. This is a metaphor. The ‘seven days of your life’ can come in any order and last more than a calendar day. They can even change during, or be combined within, a calendar day. We do, however, have some control over five of the seven days of our life. If you plan correctly, your Bad days will be minimized and Good days will be like icing on the cake of the other five days. Let me explain.

Giving days are for work, causes, family, and people we care for. We forget about our wants and needs on these days and give of ourselves and our time. It may be to volunteer for a charity, or to give up something you would like for time to help, or be with, another who needs you. It may be to visit a sick friend or to mow a neighbor’s lawn who may be out of town. Giving days will come back to you in good ways.

Taking days are for you. Depending on what kind of person you are, these days are many or few. We spend these days doing the things we like for ourselves. It could be reading, climbing, flying, or sleeping. We usually do these things alone or with those like us. We need these days to grow and recharge our imaginations.

Playing days are different than Taking days. Playing days involve friends or family, while enjoying life. Going to a movie, a picnic, going out for dinner, etc. are all playing days. Playing days are not self-sacrificing, nor or they focused on the ‘self’. Playing days are both give and take. You need Playing days for your social self and bonding with others.

Resting days are just that. We all need to refresh and renew, and true rest is needed to do that--however that works for you. You can’t really rest on Playing days nor Taking days—unless you’re Taking days involve sleep. Hopefully, most of us like more variety for our self-interests than extra sleep. But resting is more than sleep.

Loving days are noticing days. Days where you see the sunshine, you hear the birds, you smell the flowers and feel the breezes. Loving days can be full of awareness for the love you have for the simple pleasures of life, like the giggle of a child, or the wisdom of an elder. Loving days are for the senses. They are in appreciation for the things you often take for granted.

Good days are gifts. Like Bad days, they come without warning. Any of five days can also be Good days. You can have a Good day while Giving, Taking, Playing, Resting, or Loving. But by definition, you can’t have a Good day on a Bad day.

The ‘Seven Days of your Life’ should have some balance (see my previous post). With too many of any one type of day you can reach a saturation point, a point of diminishing returns, or uncontrolled pain.

• Too many Giving days and you may become a self-fulfilled martyr.
• Too many Taking days and you will become selfish.
• Too many Playing days and you will be not accomplish anything.
• Too many Resting days and you will become bored or boring.
• Too many Good days and you will lose appreciation for them, a common malady!
• Too many Bad days and you will become frustrated and/or depressed.

The only day you can’t have too many of are--Loving days! The only thing you may lose with Loving days are Bad days. So the lesson I see here is...“variety and vision in your life”! A little give, a little take--a little work and a little play—and a huge dose of noticing the little things in life.

Recognize and plan Giving, Taking, Playing, Resting, and Loving days. It will make you a better person, and if you are a mom or a dad, a much better parent!
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​Gangs: Acceptance vs. Values
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What is it that draws boys (or girls for that matter) to gangs? For some young people, acceptance is more important than the values a civilized society expects of them.

Acceptance

Most individuals want acceptance and will perform in ways to get it. Sometimes they will act in foolish ways to get it. In families, an individual's acceptance or feeling of belonging should be natural--but not without limits. If limits do not exist for or from a family member, then caring for that family member does not exist. One indication of caring or acceptance is getting attention; without it, there is no recognition of worth in the view of the one not receiving it. This situation creates an over-riding hunger for approval and belonging!

Quoting Mother Theresa, "The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread." In fact, a serving of bread can fill a stomach, but it takes time and much love to fill a heart.

Let's assume a boy, as an example, is in a home where the father is physically or emotionally missing. Let's also assume this boy has a loving mother to isolate the issue. This boy will have an emotional void whether he realizes it or not. A boy wants to become a man, not just biologically, but emotionally and just as importantly, in the eyes of society. He needs a proper mentor to do this because a mentor will praise a child's efforts leading to positive social values and condemn acts that hurt the child or others.
 
As stated by Jordan Peterson in 12 Rules for Life, "Sometimes, when people have a low opinion of their self-worth—or, perhaps, when they refuse responsibility for their lives –they choose a new acquaintance, of precisely the type who proved troublesome in the past. Such people don't believe that they deserve any better—so they don't go looking for it. Or, perhaps, they don't want the trouble of better."

Why might father-starved youth have a low opinion of themselves, or why do they seek the easy way out in life? In an obvious or even an obscure way, being rejected by a parent will significantly impact a child's personality, self-image, and self-esteem--and not in a positive way. It will forever determine how they relate and are accepted by and blend with others. This desire for acceptance and validation is one of the most potent motivating forces known to man. When parents don't do this for their child, it creates a void that needs resolution.

What does an involved father do for a child? In Fatherless Society by David Blankenhorn, Quadrant, 12/1/1997, he states clearly,

"Fatherhood is a social role that obligates men to their biological offspring. For two reasons, it is society's most important role for men. First, Fatherhood, more than any other male activity, helps men to become good men: more likely to obey the law, to be good citizens, and to think about the needs of others. Put more abstractly; Fatherhood bends maleness - in particular, male aggression - toward prosocial purposes. Second, Fatherhood privileges children. In this respect, Fatherhood is a social invention designed to supplement maternal investment in children with paternal investment in children.
Paternal investment enriches children in four ways. First, it provides them with a father's physical protection. Second, it provides them with a father's money and other material resources. Third, and probably most important, it provides them with what might be termed paternal cultural transmission: a father's unique capacity to contribute to the identity, character, and competence of his children. Fourth, and most obviously, paternal investment provides children with the day-to-day nurturing - feeding them, playing with them, telling them a story - that they want and need from both of their parents. In virtually all human societies, children's well-being depends decisively upon a relatively high level of paternal investment."

Further, from 'ScienceDaily,' "A father's love contributes as much -- and sometimes more -- to a child's development as does a mother's love. That is one of many findings in a new large-scale analysis of research about the power of parental rejection and acceptance in shaping our personalities as children and into adulthood."

From The Power of Dadhood:

"It is in the home where;

• Children should learn kindness, goodness, values, discipline, and manners. 
• Children should find understanding, caring, and comfort.
• Successful lives should begin -- with open minds, encouragement, and love.
• Compassion should exist, where the safety nets of our children's failures are made of rubber bands, ready to sling them back into the world — stronger, wiser, and with new momentum."

So back to the question, "What is it that draws boys (or girls for that matter) to gangs?" A study by Stanley S. Taylor, California State University in 2013 entitled "Why American Boys Join Street Gangs," stated this;

"All of the psychosocial histories of gang members in this study were diverse, however there were several underlying consistent themes prevalent in each members life history (1) frustration and anxiety stemming from family problems such as fatherlessness, (2) sadness, frustration, and anxiety in home life (3) the feeling that they wanted an end to the frustration (4) expression of hostility through defiance of authority in the industry versus inferiority stage and physical violence in the identity versus role and confusion stage of psychosocial development and, (5) misconduct at school, mostly for fighting or bullying schoolmates, and (6) gang membership as a salient opportunity for peer recognition in their immediate neighborhood and community."

When Taylor's conditions exist, gangs can provide some of what is missing in a young man's life. Gangs give a young man a chance at acknowledgment and status, but he has to prove himself before he can belong. He must adopt the values of that gang, and if he does, he will find the acceptance and respect that alluded him in the past. But how do the values of a gang differ from the values of a nurturing family?

Values

Goodness, fairness, honesty, helpfulness are all values that are common in successful families. These values are missing in gangs. But the desire to belong and be a part of a group is strong enough to place any common values you may have had or never learned in the rearview mirror when acceptance to a gang requires new covenants. Here are a few examples.

Toughness  

• Toughness as a value in a family situation would mean not giving in to peer pressure or trying even harder in tough times.
• But in a gang, toughness is defined by how unafraid you project yourself or how dominant you can be, which often leads to violence.

Smartness 

• Smartness as a family value is common sense and one's academic achievements or judging or making the right decisions.
• In a gang, smartness is the ability to outsmart or 'con' another person, i.e., cheating, taking advantage of others' weakness, conning people, and petty thievery are the hallmarks of a 'smart' gang member.

Enjoyment

• Enjoyment in a family atmosphere would include reading, watching movies, playing sports, etc.
• A gang's idea of enjoyment too often includes gambling, sexual adventures, drugs, and alcohol.

As I stated in The Power of Dadhood, 'prevention' is so much easier than 'correction' when it is about your children's attitudes and behavior, and it must be taught as early in their lives as they can understand it.

Summary

A kid with a supportive family, constant encouragement, and self-worth can be resilient to adversity and negativity. He will feel comfortable in his skin and have the strength to be himself and uphold the values taught to him that he holds to be true. He has the confidence of a worthwhile person, as shown to him most often and best by his family.

Without group support, he will often find himself alone and with little self-worth. Low self-worth begets devastatingly low ambition and an unwillingness to crawl out of the hole he finds themselves in. That hole is dug deep by an unsupportive environment, a missing father, a busy mother, and non-existent mentors. Tragically, it is the support of a gang that may fill the gaps in all the wrong ways.

Without a supportive family or role model, a kid cannot say 'no' when 'no' needs to be said, i.e., when expected to do something against their inner voice. When support comes from a gang, a kid cannot say 'yes' when opportunity outside the gang exists. Trapped by a code forced upon him to remain a gang member, it will take much convincing to trust support outside of the gang to have a purposeful life.
 
* Note: "…..gangs tend to propel youths into a life of crime, punctuated by arrests, convictions, and periods of incarceration. The costs to society are enormous. Each assault-related gunshot injury costs the public approximately $1 million. A single adolescent criminal career of about ten years can cost taxpayers between $1.7 and $2.3 million."

 * https://www.nationalgangcenter.gov/Content/Documents/Impact-of-Gangs-on-Communities.pdf

When my three children were young teens and tweens, I wrote something for them and put it in a cheap plastic photo frame next to their beds as a reminder of their responsibilities in life. Whether they read it often, or understood it completely, was not something I could control… but it was there for them to contemplate or to ask questions about if they chose to do so.

Some twenty or more years later, I was moved to write The Power of Dadhood, about the importance of fathers being involved in their children’s lives. I decided what I had written for my children so long ago would be perfect for my book on fatherhood. That something was simply called...If You Want ‘X’, Then You Must Do ‘Y' 
​
 X = That
 Y = This
​. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

If You Want ‘X’, Then You Must Do ‘Y’
Copyright: Michael Byron Smith

• If you want to Learn, you must listen.

Do I get an Amen for this one?

• If you want Growth, you must take risks.

To have growth requires trying new things, facing your fears, and calculating the risks given the potential growth and rewards. If you rarely fail, then you rarely put forth much effort.

• If you want Responsibility, you must be responsible.

Everyone deserves a chance at responsibility. But when you get it, you better not mess it up because it will take a long time to get trust back!

• If you want Commitment, you must be involved.

You must show you care for your mission or goal if you expect anyone to be committed to helping or serving you.

• If you want Achievement, you must have goals.

If you had a plan called a ‘ladder’ and achievement was reaching the ‘top’ of a ladder, then each ‘rung ‘of the ladder is a succession of goals. You cannot have achievement without goals, and very rarely without a plan!

• If you want Success, you must have persistence.

Easily reaching a goal is not much of a success. Success usually involves failures, missteps and hard work. Surviving through all of that requires persistence!

• If you want Control, you must plan.

Back to the plan, symbolized by a ladder above. You cannot control your ascent or descent without a plan. The plan may not always work, but you can adjust from a known issue (e. g. get a better ladder) instead of experiencing chaos.

• If you want Rewards, you must provide effort.

You may win the lottery, and that’s great, but you provided no effort and that is not a reward. The most enjoyable things that come to you in this world are those for which you have struggled to obtain.

• If you want to Be Liked, you must like yourself.

If you don’t like yourself, you likely need help. But first help yourself by being kind to others, allowing that act to be reflected back to you. When that happens, you will like yourself. Be first! Like and be liked.

• If you want Love, you must be patient.

Don’t confuse 'like' or 'infatuation' with love. Be cautious, wary, and don’t settle for less than you deserve. Live a life of independence before looking for true love. 

• If you want a Challenge, you must dare to improve.

You can challenge someone in darts or arm-wrestling. That’s fun! But real challenges involve improving yourself or helping someone who needs help. Again, don’t settle for less than you deserve. But if you don’t challenge yourself, you don’t deserve much.
 
Summary

Kids must know that their success is mostly up to them, but they have to be aware of that fact. Children of wise parents are statistically much more successful!  The reason they are is having been taught these basic facts of life.

Be a provider to your children, be a source of love, but also a be a mentor.
 

Counting those who run a home-based business and those who are telecommuting because of the pandemic, there are millions of Americans working from home right now. And many of these are parents whose kids are at home throughout the day. So if you find yourself in this situation, you’re not alone. You also probably know how stressful it can be as you’re trying to balance a full-time career with a full-time family.
 
The truth is that there are really no ways to completely eliminate the stress that comes with the responsibilities of remote work and parenting. But you can learn how to minimize the stress, navigate challenges, and establish harmony between your work and home life. From creating a daily schedule to planning family outings to reading The Power of Dadhood, here are nine ways to thrive when working from home with kids.
 
1. Adopt a morning routine.
 
How you begin your day is crucial. If you get off to a solid start, it can help you to be more confident and mentally engaged throughout the rest of the day. Find a morning routine that works for you and sets you up to be productive. As a parent, this will likely involve you getting your kids ready for the day. But make sure to carve in time for yourself, whether that means working out, writing in your journal, having coffee, or eating a healthy breakfast.
 
2. Establish a solid schedule and structure.
 
Aside from the morning, you’ll also want to find a good schedule for your workday. This is particularly key since you're working from home—where you're naturally inclined to be more relaxed. Figure out your kids’ schedules, what times of day you are most productive, and how to break up your tasks. Then, try to establish a structure that helps you eliminate distractions and stay focused on your work.
 
3. Keep the kids happy
 
Some of your kids’ time may be taken up by schoolwork (which you might need to take part in as well). But what will they do in all the other hours of the day while you’re trying to hone in on your daily tasks?
 
Find fun and educational activities to keep your kids busy so that you can concentrate. For instance, there are tons of enriching online games these days. Make sure your child has a laptop, such as a Google Chromebook, and introduce them to some of these games. Just be sure to invest in good antivirus software to protect all of your home’s networks and devices.
 
4. Don’t work after hours.
 
Once you create a good work schedule, make sure you abide by it. One thing about working from home is that you are only seconds away from your office at any given time. Don’t give in to the temptation to finish up that project or send that email after you’ve clocked out for the day. Otherwise, you can sabotage your efforts to find balance and miss out on quality self-care/family time.
 
5. Do fun stuff with the family.
 
While it’s true that your family must come first, the reality is that you need to work so that your family can thrive. However, if you want a good balance in your work and home life, you must actually make time to do things with your family. Whether it’s planning a weekend getaway at the beach or the mountains, going for a day hike, or taking the occasional workday off for an impromptu activity, nothing can replace good experiences with loved ones.
 
6. Make space for your work.
 
That said, you have to prioritize your work to some degree, and creating a home office is a significant step towards that. Choose a location in your home that will help you to minimize distractions, such as a spare bedroom or garage. And make sure the space will provide plenty of room for your equipment, storage, and other necessities.
 
7. Equip your home office.
 
Once you’ve chosen space for your home office, start outfitting it with equipment. This includes the basics like a desk, office chair, and laptop or desktop computer. You also want to ensure that you have a fast and reliable Internet connection, as well as any other equipment necessary for your day-to-day tasks.
 
8. Stay organized
 
Organization is key when it comes to productivity. After all, it can be hard to produce good work consistently when your workspace is messy and dirty. Spend at least one day a week deep cleaning your office, and keep clutter at bay every day. Look for decorative storage solutions to organize your items, and be sure to keep any cords and wires out of sight so that you can enjoy a clean and seamless office space.
 
9. Remember self-care.
 
Lastly, you must take care of yourself. This is especially important when you’re trying to balance a full-time career with a full-time family. While it may seem like there’s not enough time in the day, you must leave room in your schedule for relaxing activities, whether that means doing meditation and yoga, taking a hot bath, picking up a hobby, or doing some other activity that reduces stress and makes you happy. If you want a relaxing activity that teaches you about parenting techniques, start reading Helping Fathers to be Dads.
 
And of course, it’s essential to keep up with your overall health and well-being. The most basic ways to accomplish this is to eat a healthy diet, exercise regularly, and get plenty of sleep.
 
If your kids are at home and you're working remotely full-time, you must figure out how to strike a healthy balance so that you can succeed at both and enjoy life. Along with considering the tips listed here, be sure to remain open-minded to other ways that you can reduce stress, boost productivity, and foster relationships with loved ones. Then you’ll put yourself in a position to take full advantage of the privilege of remote work!
 
If you would like to find more practical, insightful guidance on parenting, visit michaelbyronsmith.com today!

​We all need heroes. We need the philosophers, the inventors, the statesmen, and our protectors! Where would we be without our explorers, engineers, and health professionals? It takes the unique talents these men and women have and share that make our world better. But you don’t have to be exceptional to make the world a better place. The greatest accomplishment in your life does not have to be unique or unusual. It’s the positive and mostly little things we all do together that has just as much, and maybe more, positive influence on society than the contributions of a Lincoln, a Madam Curie, or an Edison. This notion could not be more genuinely true than raising and mentoring the generations that follow us!

The little things that mean everything!

• Listening – a trait that involves hearing, processing, and reacting
• Learning – always improving, always adjusting
• ​Loving – being polite, helpful, and understanding
• Teaching – sharing your knowledge to help others
• Principles – doing what is right, even when difficult.
• Working – supporting society with your abilities in both your occupations volunteerism
• Empathy – trying to understand other viewpoints even when you disagree
• Generosity – giving of your time, your knowledge, and sharing
• Humor – the salve for all communication
• Responsibility – having discipline, doing what you say you will, being accountable
• Questioning - a trait that is often misunderstood. It doesn’t mean you should mistrust what you hear, but you should ask enough questions to ensure you can understand their meaning and consequences.

Those aren’t actually little things; they are huge! And when performed by the bulk of society, astonishing. But how do we get to a place in time when most people have these qualities? It has to start where people care enough about others to pass on these traits. The good news is that people with these traits are most apt to pass them on. The bad news is that not everyone has been taught these traits and will be unable to pass them on.

Young people come into contact with coaches, teachers, older relatives, neighbors, social media, etc. However, the front line of influence is the parents. When parents take their role as mentors seriously, as the shapers of the next generation, mostly good results will come, and society will be safer, happier, and healthier!
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#powerofdadhood