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A Letter to My Future Grandson

8/12/2016

Ryan and me taking a walk in the woods.

"The greatest dreams on Earth
I trust to you my child.
You are the seed of humankind,
the hope, the future of the world."

Tran Duc Uyen, from "A Letter to My Future Child"

. . . . . . . .

Recently, my wife and I downsized to another home. It's amazing how much you collect over twenty-seven years! We found things we had forgotten or didn't know we ever had. A purge was necessary and we did get rid of a boatload, but we needed a bigger boat.

One thing I found while packing was a letter I had written to my yet unborn grandson in 2012. He would be my second grandchild and first grandson and I felt compelled to write something with thoughts of giving it to him in the future. I don't think I shared this letter with anyone, but I decided to share it here because of the message in the last paragraph. It's a message all parents and grandparents should pass on to their children because all kids need encouragement. They need cheerleaders, mentors, and the knowledge that someone cares for them and their success. It does make a difference!

The Letter

Training Ryan to be a Cardinal fan, as promised.

Ryan was born on
New Year's Day, 2013

Ryan and me today!

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The Simple Things in Life

8/8/2016

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I believe the simple things in life are the most satisfying and the most honest.

A smile is easy. Getting one back is satisfying and powerful.
It’s a simple thing to say hello to a stranger or meet their eye and nod.
When a neighbor needs a helping hand, or a friend needs to be consoled, the answer to their needs is simple, you do whatever you can.
Giving of yourself and expecting nothing in return, will open the door to the goodness we find in others.
It may not be easy for all of us to bend down to look into the eyes of a child, but the idea of meeting them at their level is a simple one, one that shows empathy and understanding.
Let a fellow driver merge into traffic. Fix the flat tire for a mom with three kids in the car. Take your mom to lunch. Open the door for others. All simple and satisfying.
It is always a good deed to allow someone with just bread and milk to check out ahead of you and your three carts full of groceries.
When the effort is there, but the result is not, a pat on the back will mean quite a lot.
Simple in concept but often difficult to do is to really listen when someone talks to you.
Mentoring a child may not be so simple for you, but it is simply one of the most important things you will ever do!

These examples are all simple, but when is the last time you actually did some or any of these things? ‘Simple’ is best. Simple is easy to remember, easy to teach, and easy to do. Whenever you are confused about what to do regarding any issue, the simplest answer is usually the best. Children understand simple concepts. Simple lessons do not confuse them nor is the message lost on them.

As a parent, simple things are hugs, praise, yes or no, clear rules for behavior, and smiles. Being a parent is not simple. We know that. But using simple concepts of parenting will help enormously! So will being a good example to your children by performing acts similar to those above. Most of the mentoring you will do, as I call it in my book, is “parental osmosis”. Here is a quote from, The Power of Dadhood, How to Become the Father Your Child Needs.

"One thing you need not worry about—it will happen with certainty—is this: your children will learn from you. They learn in two ways: First, they learn by what you point out to them that they may never see on their own. I call this parenting. Second, they observe and mimic you. I call this as parental osmosis."

In summary, you can talk and preach all you want, but it is not simple to overcome what kids learn from parental osmosis. What is simple! Do good and you teach ‘good’. Be kind and you teach ‘kind’. Be fair and you teach ‘fair’. Have integrity and you will teach ‘integrity’.

Be the person you want your children to be. Now that is simple (in concept)!

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Children Thrive on Experiences...and Balance!

8/1/2016

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Do you know what your children need? First of all, they need their mom and dad.

Children need so much in the way of guidance. In the absence of guidance, they miss those important experiences never introduced to them. Or, they are left to their own interpretation of the things they do experience.

Kids also need balance when it comes to experiences! But what kind? There is static balance and dynamic balance. Static balance is the numbness of existence. A bored child slumped in a chair is in physical balance but mental imbalance. An active child may fall while running or fail while trying in seeming imbalance, but they are in the dynamic balance of experience, resulting in constant mental growth.

The right experiences are vital in finding the right balance of learning. One child may be exposed to nature and find a love for it while another may be exposed to violence and become numbed by it. Children that come from violent neighborhoods have experiences resulting in extreme unbalance. So do children from extremely overprotective families. The only differences are the consequences.

In the beginning of one’s life, experiences are influenced almost entirely by the family environment or the lack of one. Because of this, some children have tremendous advantages or disadvantages over others. Children need a broad range of experiences to thrive because static balance can be boring! It is boring when there are no choices; or boring when a mind has little to pull from to support their imagination; or boring when they have few positive influences or mentors. Those that have little exposure to the world around them become disinterested in learning about it.

If one always lives in the light, they will be afraid of the dark. If one never looks up, they will miss the clouds and stars. You may love the beach until you find the mountains. An Eskimo may think 45 degrees is warm while in the Congo one would shiver at 70 degrees. But when one experiences the dark, their fear recedes. When one looks up, it will give new depth to their existence. Travel and conversation will teach one that perceived extremes of any kind are relative to your familiarity of the topic, and can be changed.

This brings me back to families. A child will prosper when he or she has different viewpoints allowing for choices and thought. They will prosper when they are exposed to more things, opinions, and places. This exists naturally in most families by having both a mother and father in the home! A male and a female, a father and a mother, are the perfect yin and yang. Kids need interaction from both because they learn different things in different ways from both. A mom and a dad are true opposites that allow for balance.

Only true opposites can create a dynamic balance. Balance that comes from a lack of input is static and stifling. For instance, a rubber ball lying in the gutter is in balance, but it is boring. A rubber ball bouncing off the wall is also in balance. It is balancing momentum, gravity, the density of the ball, and force of our throw, all placing the ball in different positions of balance at different times as the inputs change! Much more exciting!

A child living with only their mother, or only their father, will need a way of balancing the yin with yang. In other words, a boy needs a masculine model and a girl needs to know how to be treated by a man. A girl also needs a role model and a boy needs the calming influence of a mother. While there may be a dominant parent, both parents need to be involved in raising their children. When trouble exists between the parents the children should neither be ignored, nor held as bargaining chips. They still need positive, dynamic, and safe experiences to thrive.

Always think of your children first!

Oh, one more thing. Buy my book, "The Power of Dadhood"! It will help you with the balance you need. I will reimburse you if it doesn't help! Just write your request to me at [email protected].

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A Grandfather's Story

7/25/2016

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A nice usher took our photo!

If you are very lucky, one of the greatest perks of being a father is eventually becoming a grandfather. Unless you become the primary caretaker, and hopefully that never has to happen, there are rules for your relationship with your grandchild that don’t apply to dad.

As a dad, you have to be little stricter on the rules. Giving in too often is bad for the child’s outlook on how life works, and it is bad for your authoritarian relationship. As a grandfather, you are an occasional deviation from restrictions that parents have to enforce to be good, thoughtful parents.

Yesterday I took my three and one-half-year-old grandson, Ryan, to the Cardinals-Dodgers baseball game. It was “Build-a-Bear” night and he got a stuffed bear in Cardinal gear. Getting the bear was not a grandfather thing as most children there were brought by their parents. Kids certainly do get treats from their parents.

A selfie in our seats.

The national anthem started. Just at the time, his mom and dad called on 'Facetime'. I pointed the phone at him with his hand over his heart as I had instructed. They loved seeing him in his Cardinal shirt and hat respecting our national anthem. Later on his mom told me he forgot to take off his hat. I forgot to teach him that.

A rookie pitcher made an emergency start for the Cardinals and he gave up nine runs before he got five outs. That may have soured my night a bit as a Cardinal fan, but my grandson isn’t yet old enough to care. He sat patiently while the Dodgers poured it on. Losing 9-0 after two innings, we decided to go to the kids play area. He played for a while then decided there were too many other kids there. Besides, an $8.00 ice cream cone had been promised.

The National Anthem

Back to our seats to devour a quickly melting cone and a couple more innings. I knew we wouldn’t be able to stay the entire game because it was way past his bedtime. We left after the 5th inning. The Cards were losing 9-3 then anyway.

We walked to the car with a stop along the way through Ballpark Village where Ryan saw an enormous TV and then through City Garden where kids were cooling off in the many miniature fountains of water. Of course, Ryan had to stick his hand in one and got his shoes wet.

City Garden

Before we left Busch Stadium, Ryan had asked for a lemonade. He told me his mom let him have lemonade at McDonald’s. Knowing the price of lemonade at the ballpark, I told him “how about we get lemonade at McDonald’s on the way home?” He was all for it!

We made our way to the car from City Garden and headed home, watching a distant lightning storm to the west. Ryan wasn’t too happy with the lightning. I told him he was safe in the car and suggested it looked like fireworks. He agreed but said there were no colors like real fireworks. I agreed.

Ryan and his Bear

I tried to listen to the game in the car, but he was chattering so much I turned it off. We stopped at McDonald’s and got a large lemonade and fries to share. He was in little-kid heaven. He loved the lemonade but had to wait for the fries to cool a bit. We got home with me wearing a 'Fredbird' balloon hat that a balloon artist had given to Ryan at Ballpark Village. He bounced into the house as happy as I had ever seen him, telling his parents about the night and eating french fries. He asked that I put some of the lemonade into his Batman cup.

I don’t know if Ryan will remember this night being so young, but I will cherish my night with him forever! I love being a grandfather!!

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How Will July 2016 Impact Families?

7/18/2016

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Will July 2016 be one of the most tragic months in modern history? From Dallas to France to Turkey, and on to Baton Rouge, senseless killings have taken place. There have been no tsunamis, earthquakes, or floods. Every tragedy has been related to choice and hate.

What causes all this hate? Sometimes it is mental illness. Sometimes it is religious and/or political beliefs. And sometimes it is inexpiable evil! While it may seem like we are in the worst of times, none of these causes of human destruction are new. What is new--very new--is social media. With social media we have a magnifier of events, not that each event itself is always magnified in its terror, but the breadth and fear are magnified, making it seem closer to us and more likely to happen to us personally.

Social media also encourages like-minded opportunists of fear and hate. There is not much we as fathers and mother can do about that, but we can do something protect our children from potential harm. How each family decides to approach this issue is up to their best judgement, but I think it is something you must think about based on your children’s ages, their temperament, where you live, etc.

Most would agree that younger children should be shielded from all visions and/or sounds of tragedy. They will not understand the risks neither of how likely they will be personally affected, nor do they need to be unnecessarily upset or afraid. As they get older, you will not be able to shield them and, therefore, you must understand how they are being impacted.

While some young kids ignore adult issues, others are more sensitive and are unable to put what they hear into perspective. That’s when parents must be in tune with their children, putting them at ease about topics that won’t directly affect them while cautioning them about other issues in which they may be at risk.

It is a real challenge to prepare a child for a risk without scaring them in the process. There is no one way to prepare them because the risk levels and consequences can be so different for each family based where they live, the temperament of the children, and how the parents see the world. But in these times of social media and the constant presence of dreadful news, we must also protect them from irrational fears, nightmares, and the knowledge of the world’s tragedies when that knowledge will do them more harm than good.

In summary, parents must consider the world we live in, the situation in which they find themselves, and how they will protect their children. We can protect them from real dangers and also protect them from needless worry and fear. To just stand by and hope for the best will not be the best choice for your family.

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Everyday Life, Fatherhood, Tragedy, and Children

7/11/2016

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“The fluttering of a butterfly's wings can effect climate changes on the other side of the planet.”
~Paul Erlich

This post is a potpourri of topics, but they all tie into our lives. Nothing in this world occurs without an impact, sometimes good and too often, bad. We live our lives every day, never knowing what may happen to interrupt our hopes and plans.

This has been a very busy summer for me! I have been fixing the house my family has lived in for twenty-seven years to sell. And it sold in one day! We are moving into a “smaller” home near our daughters. It is astounding to me how our old house was able to hold within, all of the things we are now taking out. We have given away, thrown away, lost and rediscovered so many clothes, books, memorabilia, toys, mementos, blankets, Christmas decorations – I could go on and on. And we did it to ourselves! With all that, we still have a garage full of “stuff” at our new home that didn’t make the first cut. ‘Letting go’ is a new goal of mine and also, I hope, for my wife Kathy. In the meantime, we still watch grandchildren, maintain a country farmhouse, and there is this blog that I try to keep alive in the hopes that someone will get something out of it.

With Father’s Day being this month, I had to be diligent about promoting my book, “The Power of Dadhood”. This was the second Father’s Day since my book was released. As much as I try to get my book into the hands of fathers, buying publicity is not working very well, especially with Facebook ads. If more books were purchased, it wouldn’t matter that to me that I cannot sell enough books to cover my expenses. Writing and promoting a book is the last thing I would recommend doing to make money. I never hoped to make money, but to improve the lives of families and children. When things settle down in my life, I will have to look for speaking engagements – something with which I am not yet at ease. Of course, I do give books away to family-oriented charities and welcome recommendations from readers.

Speaking of fatherhood, books, and giving - good friends of mine have donated a very large sum of money to a charity I support for the purpose of buying copies of my book for military families. The name of the charity is “Little Patriots Embraced” and I ask that you look them up and consider supporting them on their mission of supporting military families during periods of hardship which include times of deployment and so much more. Words cannot express my appreciation for ‘Little Patriots Embraced’ and the generous support of my good friends, military people themselves!

This has also been a tough week for race relations and the police. It hurts to see singular incidents be representative of acts that rarely happen in the bigger picture, but those acts on their own are still very tragic. I live one mile away in a town, called one on the ten safest in America, where a black man shot a police officer in the back during a traffic stop. Not twelve hours earlier, twelve police officers were shot and five were killed by another black man in Dallas. In the week prior, two black men lost their lives in incidents with the police that, on the surface, appear unnecessarily tragic. When there is a black man that commits a crime, we should never assume that is the character of most black men. But too many of us do. When and if a police officer is tragically derelict in his duty, we should not blame most police officers for that act. But too many of us do.

One last related thought. As a writer on fatherhood and its value in the community, it is true that a much larger percentage of black children are raised without the proper attention of their father than any other racial demographic. This does cause many issues including boys being violent and girls having babies out of wedlock. Like children everywhere, black children matter! But they are often the most ignored. This is something all of us must admit and find answers regarding. Fathers must be involved in their children’s lives in a positive way and mothers must allow it. We need more black fathers engaged in the lives of their children! There are too many negative influences out there that will fill the void.

Peace, patience, and understanding.

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The Five F's of the Fourth!

7/4/2016

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I always look forward to Independence Day - The 4th of July! We celebrate our independence as a nation and the freedom it has allowed us all. We do it with flags, food, fireworks, and family. This Fourth of July, my family has done it all. Our son came home from Fort Campbell and while one daughter and her family were on vacation, our other daughter’s family was there as was my brother’s family and many friends.

Freedom, of course, is the first ‘F’. Our forefather’s fight for independence was for that very purpose. With freedom comes choice and responsibility. Some of us make the bad choices and lack responsibility. When this happens, it’s a terrible waste of our freedoms.
Our flags, showing their stars and stripes, are flowing without any apologies. It seems more and more Americans think something is wrong with being proud of their country. I see an American flag I think of the values it represents and all those who sacrificed for it. There is no perfect country but I feel very fortunate to be an American!
Food has also been flowing. Now I should probably apologize to my health for that. But holidays can be a type of recess from the stricter regimens of our daily life. Yesterday, alone, I had a bratwurst, snow cone, hard cider, mac & cheese, cookies, cake, Coke, and more. Sounds bad when you write it down, maybe because it is.
We saw the best fireworks you could ever see, especially for a private, neighborhood show. My brother and has brother-in-law are pyro-technicians. They, along with volunteers, fire off thousands of dollars of rockets lighting up the sky with colors dancing and sounds booming. The attendance grows every year as the word of the dazzling show grows. Guests donate whatever funds they can to defray some of the costs, but the host is overwhelmingly generous.
The best part is watching all the families getting together and having fun. Scores of families slinging Frisbees, kids chasing parachutes shot into the air, tents, lawn chairs, blankets, and people mingling and laughing.

Holidays are great! We celebrate people or occasions while slowing down to enjoy each other.While we have Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, I think we should have a holiday called Family Day. It would be a day to spend with family and for all of us to observe the family as THE critical building block of a successful, safe, and free society. Is there anything else more worthy of celebration?

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Get Over Yourselves!

6/27/2016

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The perfect father never has to improve. The father that doesn’t care will never improve. The father who strives for perfection will always improve. The first father doesn’t exist. The second father exists too often. The third father will put his children ahead of his ego!

I knew writing a book about parenting targeted to fathers would be akin to selling Chapstick to chickens. Men read books about as often as women read “Guns and Ammo”, the magazine. When men do read books, it’s more often a ‘Jack Reacher’ thriller or a science fiction classic-- not about how to get your son to talk to you, or how to talk to your teen daughter. I wrote the book anyway because if it helped one child, dad, or family, it would be worth the effort. Still, I wanted the thoughts and discussion regarding the importance of fathering to be as widespread as possible!

I was hoping the gateway to men who were fathers may be through their mothers, wives, or sisters, etc. But my publisher changed the subtitle and I found later that it created an obstacle. The main title is, “The Power of Dadhood” in which I explain how dads are often the barrier between their children and the dangers to which they are exposed, whether it be drugs, poverty, out of wedlock pregnancy, etc. The subtitle, and yes, I’ve mentioned this before, does put off some people a bit. “How to Become the Father Your Child Needs” is often interpreted as “Buck up buddy, you’re slacking as a dad and I’m going to fix you by making you read this book!” Ouch!

Please understand, this book is a book of encouragement and suggestions to common issues faced by dads (and moms). One goal was to let men know the power of their position, the influence they have, and the best ways to bring out those qualities. Certainly, some dads need to read this book more than others. But every dad can get something out of it.

More than a few times I have heard women say something to the effect of, “my (husband, son, brother) would be (offended, upset, mad) if I gave this book to them". Well the saying is true. You can’t judge a book by its cover, or its subtitle.

Ladies, help out the dads in your lives. How could they not want to be better dads, even if they are already awesome? Dads, get over yourselves! You aren’t perfect. You do care. And you do want to be the best dad possible. You can’t do that in a vacuum.

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What My Dad Taught Me

6/23/2016

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This article was written for a charitable organization in Springfield, Missouri called "Good Dads". Good Dads began when business leaders in Springfield recognized the impact of father absence on child well-being and came together for the purpose of supporting engaged fathers. They understand the value in helping fathers become more engaged with their children.

"What My Dad Taught Me" first appeared in "realgooddads.blogspot.com"

Sometimes dads are just dads. They don’t think about how they influence their children, or more clearly, how their children learn from them. We men often go about our day with our heads in the clouds or our minds entangled in some issue, all the while we are being watched. Kids absorb as much or more through observation as they learn formally. So while you tell them to be kind to people, they really learn how to treat people by watching you. You can explain the value of reading, but if your kids never see you reading, they may shrug their shoulders the next time it is mentioned. “Do as I say, not as I do”, really never works.

Dads and moms are teaching by demonstration twenty four hours a day. And because no one can fake who they are 24/7, the good things and the not-so-good things will be on display for your kids. Kids will emulate you because they love and trust you and that is usually, but not always, good. Which brings me to what I learned from my dad.

I loved my dad. He was so interesting and mysterious. He had adventure in his heart and did things I wanted to do. He had been to places I wanted to see. Stories of his travels had me breathlessly hanging on every word. I longed for his attention and waited for him to come home - sometimes for hours, sometimes for months, even years. My Dad was a contradiction in himself. He was slight in build but had very strong hands and a stubbly beard. He was a real gentleman, charismatic, very intelligent, and well-liked by most people most of the time. There was just one huge problem, my dad was a raging alcoholic, and he changed into someone else when he was drinking. And it wasn’t pretty.

I discussed learning from my dad in my book, “The Power of Dadhood”. As follows,

“I learned so much from my father. I learned from him that I needed to get an education. I learned that people would judge me by my actions and react to me according to my attitude. I learned the importance of reliability and trust. These things I learned from him because he demonstrated how difficult life can be without them.

Unfortunately, I also saw how dependence on alcohol and drugs could steal my father’s charm and waste his intelligence. Yes, I learned quite a bit about life from my father, but what I didn’t learn was difficult to pick up on my own. Among those lessons missed early on were simple skills and pleasures of standing up straight, manners, confidence, physical competition, love of reading, and being comfortable in my own skin. Yes, my dad graduated from the School of Hard Knocks, but it is not exactly in the Ivy League of Childhood Mentoring. Too easy to get accepted into, his school lacked standards for graduation. “

I worked hard in school and earned a scholarship to college. That allowed me to become an Air Force officer and to work my way out of poverty. But I was still unsure of myself and never stood out. Not until I was in my forties did I begin to flourish, after years of spinning my wheels, by reading self-help books. They do work for those that need them.

I am in a very good place in my life now. But it took me a while to get here, mostly because my lack of self-confidence kept me from taking chances and a feeling of not measuring up to others made me a bit of a loner. Those are heavy anchors to pull around as a kid, and even as an adult. I believe my dad could have helped me with that. My mom was raising six children alone and had her hands full. Beyond that, she’s not a male and I needed a man in my life.

Not all kids would have reacted the same way. Some would have become tougher on their own, others would have never recovered. Fully a third and maybe up to 40% of kids are raised without a father in the home. Those with fathers have a distinct advantage even if their dads are a bit clueless. So a takeaway here is that you, Dad, can teach as a good example or a bad example. If you are lucky, they will know when your examples are not to be followed. The worst case is when they don’t know any better and are misled. Another takeaway is to occasionally ask yourself what you are doing to guide your children. That simple question, asked every so often, can make all the difference. Dads do teach quite a bit. What and how they teach is so very important.

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Father’s Day is Over, But…

6/20/2016

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Being an advocate of improving the fatherhood situation in our country (24 million children - 34 percent - live without their biological father*), I paid close attention to how Father’s Day was celebrated, and on how people reflected upon it. Some thanked their dads for their love, advice, and for being there for them. Others talked glowingly of their fathers who, sadly, have passed. A few chastised their fathers who they classified as irresponsible or uncaring. Almost to a person, they all claimed their love for their dads – even those who had been disappointed by their incompetence.

It’s clear that the link between parents and children is emotionally very strong. Usually those emotions are positive but sometimes they are negative. There is no doubt, however, of the remarkable and undeniable link.

Child/parent conflict often arises because of a lack of communication resulting in misunderstanding. There are good men who are poor fathers, usually for that reason. But there are very few ‘bad’ men who are good fathers. Strangely, some irresponsible men have better relationships with their kids because they are “good-time Charlies”, looking to be friends or to impress - not willing to be firm, have standards, or to guide their children. These irresponsible men can breed irresponsible children. They pick up the bad habits or questionable values demonstrated by their fathers.

Good men who struggle with fatherhood can be better fathers with a little help. All they have to do is to ask someone or pick up a book and be open to the possibilities. I consider myself a good man, but I think back to things I did incorrectly or didn’t do well which occurred out of simple ignorance. The most dangerous ignorance is the ignorance of not knowing you are ignorant, as in unaware.

Men don’t ask questions about directions or how to parent. It’s just how most of us are hardwired. It takes an awareness of men to realize this deficiency and acceptance of the fact that we don’t know everything. It’s okay! No one does.

Give yourself and your kids a break. Don’t assume you are a wonderful dad just because you don’t hear complaints, or don’t believe the complaints when you hear them. Think about what you’re doing once in a while – as a father. It couldn’t hurt and it can certainly help.

“The Power of Dadhood”, i.e. your Dadhood, works both ways, for good or for bad. Use your power wisely!

Michael Byron Smith

* Bureau of the Census

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