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A Conversation worth Listening To!

8/20/2018

For more than twenty years, I have been thinking and writing on the topic of parenting and fatherhood, or what I call ‘Dadhood’. Everything I write I believe is true as I write it. Sometimes I report what others believe to be true. But my opinions are not as important as stimulating discussion on the importance of fathers (with, of course, mothers) in the lives of their children. I understand disagreement is as inevitable as is the fact we can describe differently something we all see before us. But it is more difficult to argue against facts.

I think it is important to hear what research tells us about parenting and fatherhood i.e. factual evidence that comes from carefully, designed studies by social scientists. In that regard, the conversation I think worth listening to, by anyone who is a parent, is the conversation between Jordan B. Petersen, the clinical psychologist and author of “12 Rules for Life, An Antidote to Chaos”, and William Farrell, psychologist and co-author of “The Boy Crisis”. The title of the conversation is “The Absolute Necessity of Fathers”.

This conversation deals with the consequences of a fatherless household and a discussion of the crucial role played by fathers in child development, paying particular attention to play and delay of gratification.

Please take time to watch this discussion on YouTube or listen to it on a podcast as you exercise or are driving. It will open your eyes and ears to the absolute necessity of fathers, or at least give you pause.

I can only talk to my experiences as a father-deprived child and as a very evolving and involved father. While I can act as a mentor through my book and blog, I cannot claim to an expert in the fields these men are expert. This is a very important discussion!

#powerofdadhood

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Life's Not Fair, Okay?

8/13/2018

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Uzzah touching the Ark of the Covenant

If you have kids, how many times have you heard them say, "that's not fair"? I'm not sure where they picked up that concept, but the sooner they understand not to rely on it, the better.

Life is not fair. I dare anyone to tell me they have always been treated fairly or received everything due them. To expect life to treat you with fairness is comparable to thinking all your questions will be answered at the end of the yellow brick road. Thinking so can be a pit of despair, a trap you set for yourself.

Like everyone has, I had the experience (in my mind) of being treated unfairly in a previous job. Although highly qualified and rated as such for a promotion to a new position, the position went to someone else with much less seniority. I was at a disadvantage for other perceived needs of the organization. I wasn't happy about it but I understood it wasn't personal. A couple of years later, I lost out on a promotion to a guy who ride-shared to work with the selecting official. That one really hurt.

If I had said their decisions weren't fair, I would have come across as childish, a complainer, and put the decision-makers on the defensive, making things worse. I soon decided to look for and received a promotion to another organization because what's really unfair is feeling sorry for yourself and not taking charge of your life.

It's unfair to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's unfair to have a lower IQ than your brother. It's unfair when you have diabetes or worse. Often, there are those who blame God for being unfair. I recall a story in the Bible where I thought God acted unfairly, as if I could be so bold.

In 2 Samuel 6:7, Uzzah put out his hand to stabilize the ark of God (Ark of the Covenant) when the oxen carrying it stumbled. For this he was struck dead, for God had warned that touching the ark of God was forbidden. To many, Uzzah was was punished in an unduly harsh way, for while he did defy a rule of God, he seemingly did so to steady it as a reaction to help. God's law was upheld, else His will may be doubted. Fairness was not in the equation.

The Lesson

First of all, we are often the worst person to judge fairness when we are affected. Secondly, we can't control fairness except when it come to us being fair to others. That's the lesson! Life is not fair, but each of us can contribute to lessen that fact. And, I believe, when you are fair to others, you will tend to be treated fairly by others.

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Teaming Up to Give Bikes to Kids

8/3/2018

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Bike Rehab Ministry at work!

It’s amazing what can be done when kind and industrious people get together to help others!

Occasionally, when I’m not watching my grandkids, maintaining my farmhouse, or writing about the importance of fatherhood on this blog, I am a volunteer and board member of “Little Patriots Embraced (LPE)”. LPE has a mission to support, with recognition and acts of kindness, the kids and families of the military, many of whom sacrifice as much or more as their military parents. With my military background and my dedication to helping families, LPE was a perfect charity for me.

This week LPE, with the leadership of founder Carol Watanabe, joined forces with the Bike Rehab Ministry of Manchester United Methodist Church to donate 20 bikes to the Airman’s Attic at Scott AFB, IL. Airman’s Attic offers junior enlisted airmen and their families at Scott Air Force Base place to go to receive free donated goods. All items are free for airmen who are E-5 and below and available items range from baby supplies to military uniforms. I would place bikes right in the middle of that range! Carol was the link between the Bike Ministry and the Airman Attic. LPE Volunteer Ray Amanat, Carol and myself rented a truck and transported the bikes to Scott AFB.

Bike Rehab Ministry

I was blown away by the Bike Rehab Ministry! Their goal is to provide the opportunity for people of all ages to have the joy of riding a bicycle when financial constraints would otherwise make it impossible. It works like this. Since 2000, the Bike Rehab Ministry has accepted donated bikes. Volunteers, currently about 100, recondition the bikes and distribute them through other charitable agencies like LPE. They are approaching the amazing number 6500 like-new bikes having been given to both children and adults. And they always supply a helmet with each bike!

How you can help and get a great deal!

One way you can help all three organizations is first to donate to them. Another very cool and financially smart way to help is to buy a reconditioned bike from the Bike Rehab Ministry. Bike Rehab sells some of their bikes to the public to raise money to keep the program running. The bikes are so well reconditioned that your kids won’t know they are used. They have everything from toddler bikes to hybrids to bike for cross country enthusiasts and everyone is welcomed to shop. They are located at 201 Creve Coeur Ave. across from Manchester UMC in Ballwin, MO. You can visit them by calling Ray Lembke at 314-660-6022 to schedule a tour.

Government helping people is good, but people helping people is always better. And you meet the nicest folks!!

Hover over each photo.

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Our Own Worst Enemy

7/22/2018

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Believe it or not, just about everything in life is better than ever. Less crime*, highest ever standard of living, great economy, very low unemployment, and conveniences/technology that make our lives so much easier. It may seem like things are worse, but think about why that is so. For one thing, every sad, violent, or inflammatory incident anywhere in the world is reported and heard by virtually by everyone who wants to listen. The news cycle is never-ending with the ever-present Internet and cable news. Social media is everywhere and often misleading, not to mention provocative. Opinions have always been plentiful, we just never heard so many of them as much as we do today.

We also seem to be more interested in bad news more than good news and, therefore, we are inundated with it because of the profit motive. For example, when we make wine, we use the juice of the grape and rarely use the seeds because everyone enjoys the wine. In the world of news events, we rarely use the juice (good news) and keep the seeds (bad news) because that’s what most people want. And every seed in every vineyard in the world is reported on. It’s difficult to escape the sorrow and feeling of doom. The world is situationally magnified in some areas and ignored in others.

“Public perceptions about crime in the U.S. often don’t align with the data.”

When I was a kid living in the city in the 1950s, at six years of age or younger, I would walk to the store to get bread or butter for my mom. A little kid in a low income city neighborhood with money in his pocket walking two, maybe four blocks alone, when crime rates were higher. These days, we hear about a kid being snatched maybe once a year in Anywhere, USA. As a reaction to this disturbing news, many parents panic when their kid disappears in the next aisle of the grocery store. Abductions that take place compared to opportunities are staggeringly low, miniscule! Now, I don’t blame parents for being protective of the children at all because the consequences are unimaginable! But really, the likelihood of someone abducting your child is ridiculously low.

“Crime has never subsided as a topic for local news or prime-time detective shows. Anyone looking for reasons to fear going out of the house can find plenty. But the truth is our streets are safer than they have been in a long time.” Chicago Tribune

Families, the Real Issue

My point is that the real thing to fear, regarding the health and welfare of our children, is most likely to come within our own families** and not so much those creepy people that have always existed. Unfortunately, the only real negative trend these past few decades is the decline of the two-parent family. When one parent is missing, usually the father, the aggregate statistics regarding crime, poverty, abuse, out-of-wedlock births are much worse.

“Today, only about 64 percent of children live in homes with two parents who are married, representing an all-time low (Pew Research Center)”.

The children representing the other 36%, those of single parent homes (around 24 million), are a majority of the victims and perpetrators of the crimes, poverty, abuse, and out-of-wedlock births; not all of them, of course, but by far a larger percentage than those in two parent homes. The statistics are clear!

Its weak family units that fail and threaten our children. They fail our kids when they don’t give them structure. They fail them when they don’t give their children limits, encouragement, opportunities, or demonstrated love. It is not difficult to find help or information on how to parent!

Not always are single parent homes where you will find weak families. Oftentimes, single parents fight the hardest and provide enthusiastic guidance in support of their children. In reality, many two parent families are weak because they either don’t care enough or are completely at a loss as to how to raise children. Lack of monetary assets is not a good excuse for bad parenting. Although it can help, it doesn’t take money to raise a child properly. A child needs love more than he needs a smartphone. A child needs to be watched over more than she needs a yearly visit to Disneyworld. Both parents working may be a necessity for a family, but the impact on your children should be a consideration when making that decision.

Summary

Life in aggregate is better than ever. For some, it is not. But the main contributors to those that are failing in life have more to do with family issues than outside forces. A child taught self-worth, and good values has the tools to meet outside challenges and reject or ignore the pessimisms of social or mass media. Children properly mentored will realize they have more control over their lives than those with self-doubt and little support.

So while life is getting better overall, we still have a long way to go! But how to get there? I believe a focus and efforts to help families be prepared to do the base groundwork of support and encouragement to their children will be the way propel us to much greater heights! Let’s not forget that the family is the base social unit that makes up every higher social unit. You can’t have a good home, neighborhood, town, or country when the families that comprise them are dysfunctional or hurting! Our greatest resource for even greater lives ahead resides within families!

Resources:

*Crime: http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/01/30/5-facts-about-crime-in-the-u-s/

**Family facts: https://www.yourazlawfirm.com/40-facts-two-parent-families/

Std of Living info: https://news.gallup.com/poll/218981/americans-ratings-standard-living-best-decade.aspx

Father absence statistics: https://cdn2.hubspot.net/hub/135704/file-396018955-pdf/RyanNFIFatherAbsenceInfoGraphic051614.pdf?t=1532095300879

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As a Dad Thinketh

7/16/2018

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I’m a big believer in the transmutation of ideas, wisdom, and thought. For instance, I’m sure that Velcro was not invented to keep children’s shoes on. The Internet was developed for scientists to communicate with themselves, but we figured out it could work for all of us. In 1959, the Navy built the first real satellite navigation system designed to locate submarines. Now we use GPS satellites in aviation, locating our lost smartphones, and finding where the traffic is heaviest, among many other uses.

I used this belief of mine to write much of my book on fatherhood. The best books, ideas, and thoughts, written by the brightest people, are available to be plucked like apples from a tree. In fact, Johnny Appleseed's dream was to produce so many apples that no one would ever go hungry. But others saw visions of apple juice or delicious pies. An original idea for the apple, something satisfying to bite into, was transmuted to other purposes that we all enjoy.

Here is an excerpt on this idea from my book on fatherhood

“I can read just about anything and relate it to being a Dad. I especially recommend self-help books, spiritual books, educational books, and memoirs. These books may not talk specifically about being or having a father, but you can extend what they teach into how and what you teach your children.”

For example:

I read James Allen’s, “As A Man Thinketh.” What a source for ideas in parenting!

Here is a quote from Allen’s book.

“A man’s mind may be likened to a garden, which may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild; but whether cultivated or neglected, it must and will bring forth. If no useful seeds are put into it, then an abundance of useless weeds will fall therein, and will continue to produce their kind.”

Do I even have to explain what that means regarding raising a child? I hope not!

Here’s another quote from Allen:

“Until thought is linked with purpose there is no intelligent accomplishment.”

Clearly, in raising a child, you must have in mind principles to teach your child. You may think at some moment, “I will give in to their (tantrum, desire, misbehavior) because it will provide relief from an uncomfortable situation that now exists.” However, if that thought is linked to an established purpose (not to spoil them or to have unreasonable expectations), then you may re-evaluate the situation. Your reaction will then be an intelligent one whatever it is, and you will take a small step towards accomplishing a goal.

One last quote from “As A Man Thinketh.”

“The strong, calm man is always loved and revered. He is like a shade-giving tree in a thirsty land, or a sheltering rock in a storm.”

From Allen’s words, I can devise a version for fathers, which I may use here…and possibly in the future.

“The strong, calm father is always loved and revered. He is a fountain of love from which his child will forever thirst, or a shelter to find comfort when his child is nervous or frightened.”

Summary

Good ideas are like stretch pants; they can be exploited by many. But you must have a consciousness for good ideas and wisdom or they will be wasted or misapplied--as stretch pants often are. My conscious use, or semi-plagiarism, of good ideas usually revolves around parenting, especially for dads.

So what does that mean for Dads? It means you don’t necessarily have to read a parenting book or a book on fatherhood like mine to learn how to be a good dad. In fact, men do not read parenting books as a rule. But you can learn to be a better father if you have ‘dadhood’ on your mind as you read inspirational or thoughtful books. You will learn so much regarding parenting this way!

But I suggest buying, borrowing, or checking out, “The Power of Dadhood” anyway! ;)

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A Fatherhood Manifesto: 12 Rules for Dads

7/7/2018

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Introduction

I read Jordan B. Petersen’s book, “12 Rules for Life” and enjoyed it immensely. It provided some very salient points to think about, and any book that makes you think is an excellent book. Petersen’s book inspired many others to create their own ‘12 rules’ for differing subjects. I’m piling on with my “12 Rules for Dads”. I like that Petersen’s title did not include “The” because that would be misleading. There are many rules for life, and we would very likely disagree with some of those by which other people live. These are guidelines I believe will work.

I’ve been thinking about these ‘rules’ for several years. Three years ago I published a book of which some of you are familiar, “The Power of Dadhood.” The italicized portions in these rules come directly from my book.

Of course, you are welcome to disagree with any of my “12 Rules”. I’m not looking for agreement; I’m hoping to help you think about your role and responsibilities as a parent. It is an enormous responsibility that can be done much more easily with just a few principles to keep in mind.

With that introduction, here are my ‘12 Rules for Dads’.

Rule #1

‘Being there’ is more than just being there.

Have you ever been driving on a long trip but you don’t remember driving through Springfield, or any other town? Well, you were there--but you were not ‘there’. Often, we are off in a surreal world of problem-solving, fantasy, or numbness. We need something to bring us back to the present when we are needed there. Occasionally ask yourself, “What about the kids?” Pay attention to them often. Your involvement is crucial. You may be able to help!

Don’t ever talk yourself out of being there for your kids. Your involvement or your absence will have an enormous impact on your children. They want you there with them, and if you feel the same way, it will allow miracles to occur that could have been nightmares. Your greatest leverage and influence is when your children are young; you need to be there for them in body and spirit…. while any father-child time is important, what really makes its mark is the quality, real devotion, amount of listening, and caring shared during that time. Often, just being around your children will encourage these things.

You don’t have to be in a serious discussion or joking with them all the time. It’s more of an attitude, an invisible positive vibration you send out. You’ll find that the more you honestly work at it, the better Dad you’ll be, the more you will enjoy it, and the better your children will react to your direction. You will be proud of what you have accomplished as a Dad, and this satisfaction will far outweigh that which you feel when you succeed at work or enjoy time with your friends.

Rule #2

Be a man if you can. (You’re not your children’s mother).

Hopefully, your children have a mother! They need her without question. Their mother is virtually irreplaceable and you, the father, will not likely have the parenting tools she has. But they need you also and what your maleness can bring into their lives! What you bring into their lives is very often different than what a mother brings.

What a father does to prepare his children for the challenges of life will likely be different from their mother’s approach.

Even if a man and a woman have similar values to teach their offspring, they likely have different strengths in relating to their children. Children need the diversity of ideas presented by both a mother and a father. They need a masculine and a feminine approach, a yin and a yang, different approaches and viewpoints. Differing views often complement each other…..

A father is different from a mother, and he should be. We are not living in an androgynous society. A boy doesn’t need two mothers, and a girl doesn’t want two mothers. We need memories of relationships with both genders. We need to learn from both. We need to respect both.

Mothers and fathers discipline differently, protect differently, and think differently; their expectations of their children are often different. A Mom can appreciate what the Dad can offer in raising their children, even if she would not do it the same way. And Dads appreciate the things Moms do, which are often those tasks that fathers feel less capable of handling.

Rule #3

Feed a cold, starve a fever (or is it the other way around?)

Don’t treat your kids the same. They are individuals with their own personalities. If you have three children, then you may need three approaches in your parenting.

Every child is unique and learns differently and at a different pace….

Whereas a bold son or daughter may need to be reeled in a bit, a mild-mannered child may need a push toward adventure. We as parents, and especially fathers, provide the counterbalance to what we perceive is a child’s tendency toward adventurous behavior or meekness. It is not unusual to have one child who has to be talked into things and another who needs to be talked out of things. Spare judgment on either and be careful not to compare.

It’s true that children have many personalities and traits. Therefore, you should treat all children fairly, but to treat them the same would not be fair.

Rule #4

Your children want discipline. Don’t disappoint them!

Kids don’t like vegetables, but they need a balanced diet. They don’t like to go to bed sometimes, but they need their rest. Teens want to stay out late, but they need to be protected. More importantly, they need to know you care! Disciplining is one of the best ways to show that you do care.

Kids don’t always know it, but they want your love and your direction.

They want to know what the limits are. Young brains cannot judge danger because kids feel invincible. Children need to know the rules to succeed in society and need to have principles to base their decisions on. Having principles contributes to their self-esteem.
Children must learn that when no respect is given, no respect will be received; when no work is accomplished, no rewards will be forthcoming. When they fight you on the limits, dangers, rules, and principles you teach, don’t interpret that as their desire for you to go away. They may think they want you to leave them alone, but if you did, they would be hurt deeply. Mostly, your kids need love and guidance, and you give them these gifts by being consistent and firm with them.

Rule #5

Your actions yell, your words whisper.

Your children will watch what you do more than what you say.

One thing you need not worry about—it will happen with certainty—is this: your children will learn from you. They learn in two ways: First, they learn by what you point out to them that they may never see on their own. I call this parenting. Second, they observe and mimic you. I call this as parental osmosis.

In parental osmosis, your influence can take two opposite paths. One is as a good example in which your children want to emulate your kindness or wisdom. The other is as a terrible example in which they will try their best not to be the uncaring, slothful, or cruel parent they have seen exemplified by you. The worst outcome of all is when your children assume that your bad behavior is the correct behavior, and so that is what they emulate. To be the best influence, you must be a person of clear character and integrity, not only in their eyes, but in truth, in life, and in all things.

Take stock of your values and actions. If you are rude to your elders, your children will most likely be rude to theirs. If you smile often, they are more likely to smile than not. If you smoke, they will see that as an endorsement for smoking, even if you tell them not to. If you always do what you say you will do, they will learn to do the same.

Rule #6

Your marriage is none of their business!

Don’t ever involve your children in your private marital issues!

When ... intolerance is between a husband and wife, the home atmosphere can be uncomfortable or frightening for all, especially the children.

Few things upset a child more than their parents arguing. The diversity of a mother and father is so positive for their children, but so is their cooperation in raising them. Personal issues or anger happens in the best of marriages. When this happens, try never to complain to your kids about their mother! Never yell or use profanities in their presence. They can’t solve your issues, and they don’t want to take sides. Some matters are too young for them to understand, others too ugly to hear.

Rule #7

Love is more than a warm, cozy feeling.

Love is action too! Make ‘what you feel’ be felt within your children’s hearts. Wink, smile, look at them in a way they can feel the love.

Children need to feel your love through conversations, special moments together, and just knowing you will be there for their emotional needs.

Love is encouragement. Love is awareness and involvement. Love is caring, listening, and perfecting the ‘12 rules’ to the best of your ability.

Rule #8

Think you’re a great dad? Be greater!

So you bring home the bacon. That’s great! Some men don’t. Is that enough? You go to their games, recitals, and plays. Thank goodness! Are they a priority in your decision making? That’s awesome! If you teach and nurture them their whole life, you may not perfect, but you will certainly be one of the best!

Mold your children with love and intelligence, and do it early. Give them tools, not Band-Aids. Pay attention to their needs, correct their misperceptions, and give them a helping hand, not a handout. You can do it and you must. Everything I have suggested in this book is worthless to you without your best efforts as a father to practice these principles. Be the best Dad your children could ever have. You are the only man in the world who can do so.

Rule #9

Be yourself, but . . .

You never have to be like the dad next door, or your dad, or the dad on TV (most of whom are not that good anyway). You have to be who you are, but you must give your best in your role as a father.

“Dads should change a diaper, but it’s not necessary to be a good Dad. It’s nice when a Dad combs his daughter’s hair, but is he a bad father if he doesn’t do so? To do these things would be perfectly normal for some Dads but may put other Dads off a bit. Having a “caveman mentality”— men hunt and provide, women take care of domestic issues—doesn’t always equate to being a bad Dad. Unnecessary pressure to do certain tasks should be weighed against the good and necessary things he does otherwise as a father.

Each parent’s role is a family issue that needs reflection, conversation, and likely compromise. We need to remember it is the child who is important, not rigid equality in parental duties. Ideally and logically, a child needs a functioning mother and father, not parents who don’t know their roles.

Fathers need to be comfortable and confident, or they may fail in their role. A man must be himself as a father because what comes naturally comes easiest. Of course, he must subdue certain temperaments like being aloof, grouchy, or too busy. We all have our moments of being less than perfect, and that’s okay, but we must always try to be better.

For fathering to be natural, we only have to be ourselves. If you are a fisherman, take your kids fishing. If you’re a NASCAR fan, go to a race. If you like spectator sports, take them to a ball game. Teach them woodworking if that’s what you know best. Read with them if you like to read. Just be actively involved with your kids.”

Rule #10

You don’t need to be funny, but you should try to be fun.

Some of us are naturally funny; some of us are not. As mentioned in Rule #9, you have to be yourself! Fortunately for those of us who aren’t naturally funny, you don’t have to be a comedian to be fun.

Routines beget habits, consistency, comfort, and discipline. They are a safe place to return to but are not good to stay in constantly or forever. Routine for older children can be a bore and not conducive for growth, so breaks from routine can be good, fun, and also quite simple…..

You rarely remember moments performed in a routine. You may remember the routine, but seldom a particular moment. But you will remember a time when the routine is broken, such as making a special breakfast before school instead of instant oatmeal, or turning off the TV one evening to play family board games, or letting your kids stay up late, even on a school night, to see a predicted asteroid shower.

A good dad knows when to break Rule #11. And does it following Rule #9. It proves Rule #8 and shows awareness of Rule #12. He is putting into use Rules #1, #2, #5, and #7! It is a very good rule!

Rule # 11

Be constantly consistent, not constantly inconsistent.

Kids thrive on consistency! Anything else will slow down their development. This is one of the most difficult rules for parents to follow because emotions and sometimes laziness get in the way.

Nothing ruins a child’s respect for a parent like a promise or a punishment unfulfilled. It cannot be repeated often enough: without consistency there is no order, just chaos. Within your family, inconsistency will confuse your children and cause you to lose whatever respect you may have gained. They will ignore your idle threats. They will doubt your promises. Their memory of you will be clouded. And they will see you as a shell and not a rock….. And it is hard work—consistent and respected fathers remember what they say and do, keep their promises, and are rarely lazy

Rule #12

Know Yin and Yang

Life is push and pull, up and down, left then right-all in balance. An example of balance can be a marble in the bottom of a bowl, or a marble swirling on the sides of a gyrating bowl. The first vision is boring, stoic, and limited. The second vision is dynamic, interesting and ever changing, yet in perfect balance at every moment. Balance for a parent is constantly shifting and balancing to the gyrations of life, knowing when to push and when to pull back.

Be involved but not too involved. Be principled but don’t be preachy. Be consistent but not inflexible. Be loving, but don’t be a pushover. Be fun but be respected. Know your own limits. You cannot be consistent if you don’t have principles. You can’t be loving or fun if you are not involved.

Summary

This ‘Fatherhood Manifesto’, consisting of 12 rules or guidelines, is a proposal for dads to consider. It’s a platform from which you can to measure your methodology and skills as a father. Complete compliance is not necessary to make you a great dad, but considering these principles will help you think about your ‘Dadhood”--which is ‘Fatherhood’ in action, as a nurturing parent.

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Gangs: Acceptance vs. Values

7/2/2018

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What is it that draws boys (or girls for that matter) to gangs? For some young people, it’s where they go to fill a void.

Acceptance

Most individuals want acceptance and will perform in ways to get it. Sometimes they will act in foolish ways to get it. In families, an individual’s acceptance or feeling of belonging should be natural--but not without limits. If limits do not exist for or from a family member, then caring for that family member does not exist. One indication of caring or acceptance is getting attention, without it, there is no recognition of worth in the view of the one not receiving it. This situation creates an over-riding hunger for approval and belonging!

Quoting Mother Theresa, “The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.” In fact, a serving of bread can fill a stomach, but it takes time and much love to fill a heart.

Let’s assume a boy, as an example, is in a home where the father is physically or emotionally missing. Let’s also assume this boy has a loving mother to isolate the issue. This boy will have an emotional void whether he realizes it or not. A boy wants to become a man, not just biologically, but emotionally and just as importantly, in the eyes of society. He needs a proper mentor to do this because a mentor will guide him, praising a child’s efforts which lead to positive social values and condemning acts that hurt the child or others.

As stated by Jordan Peterson in “12 Rules for Life”, “Sometimes, when people have a low opinion of their own worth—or, perhaps, when they refuse responsibility for their lives –they choose a new acquaintance, of precisely the type who proved troublesome in the past. Such people don’t believe that they deserve any better—so they don’t go looking for it. Or, perhaps, they don’t want the trouble of better.”

Why might father-starved youth have a low opinion of themselves; or why do they seek the easy way out in life? Being rejected by a parent, in an obvious or even an obscure way, will significantly impact a child’s personality, self-image, and self-esteem--and not in a positive way. It will forever determine how they relate and are accepted by others. This desire for acceptance and validation is one of the strongest motivating forces known to man. When parents don’t do this for their child, it creates a void that will get resolution, one way or another.

What does an involved father do for a child? In Fatherless Society David Blankenhorn states,

“Fatherhood is a social role that obligates men to their biological offspring. For two reasons, it is society's most important role for men. First, fatherhood, more than any other male activity, helps men to become good men: more likely to obey the law, to be good citizens, and to think about the needs of others. Put more abstractly; fatherhood bends maleness - in particular, male aggression - toward prosocial purposes. Second, fatherhood privileges children. In this respect, fatherhood is a social invention designed to supplement maternal investment in children with paternal investment in children.

Paternal investment enriches children in four ways. First, it provides them with a father's physical protection. Second, it provides them with a father's money and other material resources. Third, and probably most important, it provides them with what might be termed paternal cultural transmission: a father's distinctive capacity to contribute to the identity, character and competence of his children. Fourth, and most obviously, paternal investment provides children with the day-to-day nurturing - feeding them, playing with them, telling them a story - that they want and need from both of their parents. In virtually all human societies, children's well-being depends decisively upon a relatively high level of paternal investment.”

Further, from ‘ScienceDaily,’ “A father's love contributes as much -- and sometimes more -- to a child's development as does a mother's love. That is one of many findings in a new large-scale analysis of research about the power of parental rejection and acceptance in shaping our personalities as children and into adulthood.”

And as I wrote in “The Power of Dadhood,”

It is in the home

where children should learn kindness, goodness, values, discipline, and manners.
where children should find understanding, caring, and comfort.
where successful lives should begin -- with open minds, encouragement, and love.
where compassion should exist, where the safety nets of our children’s failures are made of rubber bands, ready to sling them back into the world — stronger, wiser, and with new momentum.

So back to the question, “What is it that draws boys (or girls for that matter) to gangs?”

A study by Stanley S. Taylor, California State University in 2013 entitled “Why American Boys Join Street Gangs,” stated this;

“All of the psychosocial histories of gang members in this study were diverse, however there were several underlying consistent themes prevalent in each members life history (1) frustration and anxiety stemming from family problems such as fatherlessness, (2) sadness, frustration, and anxiety in home life (3) the feeling that they wanted an end to the frustration (4) expression of hostility through defiance of authority in the industry versus inferiority stage and physical violence in the identity versus role and confusion stage of psychosocial development and, (5) misconduct at school, mostly for fighting or bullying schoolmates, and (6) gang membership as a salient opportunity for peer recognition in their immediate neighborhood and community.”

When the conditions stated by Taylor exist, gangs can provide some of what is missing in a young man’s life. Gangs give a young man a chance at acknowledgment and status, but he has to prove himself before he can belong. He must adopt the values of that gang, and if he does, he will find the acceptance and respect that alluded him in the past. But how do the values of a gang differ from the values of a nurturing family?

Values

When seeking acceptance, lost youth will consent to the values of the individual or group accepting them. Belonging becomes more important than the values a civilized society expects of them such as goodness, fairness, honesty, and helpfulness. While common in successful families, these values are very often missing in gangs. The desire to belong and be a part of a group is strong enough to place any positive values you may have had (or never learned) in the rearview mirror. Here are a few examples of values and how they may be interpreted differently

Toughness-Toughness as a value in a family situation would be to not give in to peer pressure or to keep on trying when times are tough. But in a gang, toughness is how unafraid you project yourself or how dominant you can be, which often leads to violence.

Smartness – Smartness as a family value is common sense, academic achievements, or one’s ability to judge or make right decisions. In a gang, smartness is the ability to outsmart or ‘con’ another person. Cheating, taking advantage of the weakness of others, conning people and petty thievery are the hallmarks of a ‘smart’ gang member.

Enjoyment—Enjoyment in a family atmosphere would include activities like reading, watching movies, playing sports, etc. A gang’s idea of enjoyment too often includes gambling, sexual adventures, drugs, and alcohol.

Summary

A kid with a supportive family, constant encouragement, and self-worth can be resilient to adversity and negativity. He will feel comfortable in his own skin and have the strength to be himself and uphold the values taught to him that he holds to be true. He has the confidence of a worthwhile person as displayed to him most often and best by his family.

Without group support, he will often find himself alone and with little self-worth. Low self-worth begets devastatingly low ambition and an unwillingness to crawl out of the hole he finds themselves in. That hole is dug deep by an unsupportive environment--a missing father, a busy mother, and non-existent mentors. Tragically, the hole of non-acceptance is often filled with the support of a gang, but another hole, one of misguided values and social disorder, is burrowed even deeper.

Without a supportive family or role model, a kid cannot say ‘no’ when ‘no’ needs to be said, i.e., when expected to do something against their inner voice. When support comes from a gang, a kid cannot say ‘yes’ when outside opportunity exists. Trapped by a code forced upon him to remain as a member of a gang, it will take much convincing to trust external support to have a purposeful life. A message for society is that it is much more difficult to correct this situation than it is to prevent it. Preventing it requires a stable and loving family, something lacking in most gang-infested communities. What can we do to fix dysfunctional families? A real solution will reduce gang membership and the costs* to society immensely!

*Note: “…..gangs tend to propel youths into a life of crime, punctuated by arrests, convictions, and periods of incarceration. The costs to society are enormous. Each assault-related gunshot injury costs the public approximately $1 million. A single adolescent criminal career of about ten years can cost taxpayers between $1.7 and $2.3 million.” https://www.nationalgangcenter.gov/Content/Documents/Impact-of-Gangs-on-Communities.pdf

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Simple Man, Strong Values

6/25/2018

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A young Sidney Poitier

The name Reggie Poitier may not be familiar to you, but maybe you’ve heard of his son Sidney. Sidney Poitier was one of the biggest box office draws in Hollywood during the 1960s. In 1964, he won the Academy Award for Best Actor for his role in Lilies of the Field, the first Black Actor to win that prestigious prize. But Sidney’s life as a young man was nothing like his life as a celebrated actor.

Sidney Poitier, born in 1927, was the youngest of eight sons and a daughter born to Reggie and Evelyn Poitier. But this isn’t just about Sidney; it’s also about the father who raised him and the values he taught Sidney and his siblings. Reggie Poitier was a tomato farmer on Cat Island, a small island in the Bahamas. He was a simple man who did not like to wear shoes. But he grew delicious, plump tomatoes. However, the tomato farm failed when Florida stopped importing them. He had to move the family from Cat Island to the capital city of Nassau to find work when Sidney was ten years old. In Nassau, the younger Poitier found a much faster pace, new friends, and urban temptations. He also found many more White folks and noticed the segregation. Bahamians were taught that they had to work twice as hard to get half as much as Whites.

He seemed to have a knack for finding trouble in Nassau, never too serious, but after getting arrested for stealing corn, his father Reggie thought it might be best for him to go live with his big brother in Miami. There, he would meet the challenges of the 1940’s Jim Crow south. But by this time, Reggie had instilled in his son a sense of values and self that helped him to avoid being demeaned.

Sidney could not accept the feeling of unworthiness he found there. Sidney rebelled against that notion! In his autobiography, he declared, “Hey, not only am I not that which you would make me. Here’s what I in fact am. First of all, I’m the son of a really terrific guy, Reginald James Poitier…….You can harp on that color crap as much as you want, but because of the way I was raised, I don’t have a receptor that’s gonna take in any of that.”

Sidney eventually escaped the oppressiveness and mean-spiritedness of 1940s Florida and went north to New York City, specifically Harlem where two years later he wandered into the American Negro Theater. That act of fate eventually took him to fame and fortune. But times were tough getting there. He labored as a dishwasher and had a stint in the Army that didn’t end well. What was it that kept him strong when times were bad? What was it that gave him strength and confidence in the face of humiliation because of his blackness? How did he have the will to overcome his sing-song Bahamian accent which had kept him from getting acting roles?

A foundation on which to build!

Even though Reggie was poor and had little to provide for his family, he knew his legacy would be his role as a father and he was intent on setting a foundation of values. When Sidney wrote his autobiography, he entitled it after a quote from his father. “The measure of a man is how well he provides for his children.” The Measure of a Man, published in the year 2000, discusses some of the lessons he learned from his father, Reggie.

Reggie was an enforcer of standards. When his children strayed, they paid the price. In a passage from The Measure of a Man, Sidney Poitier writes.
“The fact is you can’t do that kind of parenting if your values aren’t clear to you in terms of your own life. You can’t be passing on to your kids a strong foundation if you don’t have one yourself—because whatever foundation you do have, that’s what you’re going to pass on. And when we pass on something that doesn’t serve our children, we have to be responsible for that.”

They lived in a shack, had no running water, but Reggie’s greatest legacy was passing on the knowledge that “in discipline and commitment lies hope”. What would have happened with Sidney’s life had he not learned from his father? Certainly we would not have enjoyed his wonderful roles in “The Heat of the Night” or “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” He was a boy who had a knack for getting into trouble. But he was corralled by father who gave him his own foundation of belief in himself.

Mistakes were made by both Reggie and Sidney. We all make mistakes, some big, some small. That is why we all need a solid foundation to fall back on. The father-child relationship is enormously relevant to the future of that child, but a son needs a role model to follow, to challenge, and to grow with confidence into a man. What some Reggie Portier had that many fathers lack, according to his son, was “a wonderful sense of himself.”

A good father is not defined by his lack or abundance of wealth or his lack of perfection. He is defined by the lessons and foundation of values he teaches his children and especially as a role model to his sons. Boys like young Sidney will make mistakes and be challenged constantly. Where will they find the tools and confidence to overcome mistakes and face challenges? A boy will first look to his father expecting the answers may be there. With a strong foundation, a father can do that for him.

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Father's Day is Over, but

6/20/2018

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“The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.”
—Mother Teresa

I hope all dads out there had a wonderful Father’s Day! You no doubt did if you’ve done your due diligence as a dad. Kids notice your love for them, and they feel it in their bones. No matter your lot in life, no man is a failure who has helped a child, especially his own. The greatest single gift a man can give his children is his attention. It seems so simple, but somehow it is lost in its simplicity. There is no excuse for not trying your best to be a good father. There are reasons, obstacles, and hardships, but no excuses.

Most would agree that fatherhood does not come as naturally as motherhood. We want to be attentive, caring fathers for the most part, and while not difficult intellectually, parenting for men is not necessarily intuitive either. The simplest of tasks appear difficult when we have no idea where to start.

I learned so much from my father. I learned from him that I needed to get an education. I learned that people would judge me by my actions and react to me according to my attitude. I learned the importance of reliability and trust. These things I learned from him because he demonstrated how difficult life could be without them. It was my goal to teach differently, as a positive example.

Almost all of society’s ills can be traced to people whose family lives were in turmoil. Often the chaos started with an absent or uncaring father. What if there were a simple, plain-English book that addressed issues of fatherhood for men without positive role models? Where could a single mother direct her son when he has questions about becoming a father? How could the fatherless cycle be broken?

As a caring, loving, and nurturing dad to your children you have significantly contributed, not just to their well-being, but society’s also. Our schools, neighborhoods, cities, etc. reflect the results of our parenting. Where crime, poverty, drugs, and teen pregnancy exists, effective parenting does not. Where you find successes, you’ll find good parenting -- or individuals who have beat tremendous odds!

Keep up the great work. The rewards are simply indescribable!

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A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist! –Third Annual Review

6/7/2018

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In Appendix B of my book, “The Power of Dadhood,” there is a checklist which I am going to be sharing with any dad that is interested. Hopefully, any man would want to be the best dad he could be, but it isn't always true. And although tailored for dads, this checklist is also quite relevant to moms.

Note: In the month of June 2018, you can get the ebook version of The Power of Dadhood for free.

Why a checklist for a father about being a dad? Well, ask yourself how involved you have been as a dad lately. Have you been there for your children? Understandably, you are busy with many aspects of life. You likely have a job that keeps you quite busy with many tasks to juggle and problems to solve. Maybe you have two jobs! You may be tied up in the NBA or NHL championships. Because you are enlightened to your health, you may exercise quite often. You have bills to pay, neighbors to contend with, friends with whom you want to stay in contact. You may have hobbies you love, endless yard work, a wife to think about, and dreams about which you love to dream. There is a lot to manage in everyday life, and sometimes you need rest and have a moment to yourself.

Worse yet, you may be having issues with your health, career, or marriage. These become serious distractions, taking you away from your family and children! It’s convenient to assume they will be there when things get better, so you place them in the back of your mind. These are just a few of the obstacles to being a parent, to being a good dad.

Back to the checklist

The Dad's Self-Inspection Checklist is an eye-opening and straightforward list of questions you can ask yourself as a father. Keeping it handy and glancing at it occasionally can pull you closer to your children in areas in which you may have been lax. I developed this checklist after I had written my book. Therefore, every question is a topic that is addressed in The Power of Dadhood, which helps with the details, but not necessary to get a tremendous amount of insight into your own Dadhood.

Every year around Father’s Day I make the DSI Checklist available as a reminder to dads to think about their children in a concentrated way. It will take just a few moments to go over in your head, and can be a tipping point in a positive way to being a more effective, loving, and caring father. Please read and think about every question that applies to your situation. It could change you or your children’s lives, or the checklist may validate that you already are an awesome dad!

A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist

Are you there for them, not just around?

Do you/did you hold your children as babies and toddlers?
Do you enjoy spending time with your kids?
Do you make time to focus on your kids?
Would you consider yourself loving and do your kids KNOW that you care for them?
On occasion, do you give them special one-on-one attention?
Do you comfort your kids when appropriate?
Are you willing to be ‘hated’ for doing the right thing for your children?
Do you really listen to them?
Do you have fun together?

Do you help your children face their fears?

Do you push (encourage) your meek children forward and hold back (protect) your adventurous children?
Are you aware of any peer pressure they may be facing and how to deal with it?
Do you give them reachable challenges to conquer to build up their confidence?
Do you praise their efforts and rejoice when they are persistent?
Can you tell if and when your help will make them stronger or weaker?

Does your family work together and support each other?

Do you and their mother see eye to eye on how to raise your children? Can you compromise?
Do you continue to parent the only way you know how, or do you research other options?
Are you aware of how much you, as a father, can influence your children in both positive and negative ways? If not, read my blog or book on fatherhood.
Do you develop family traditions that are loved by the entire family?
Do you know your children’s friends? Do you approve of their values?
Is diversity allowed and cooperation encouraged in your home?
Are you careful to not favor one child over another?
Do you never give in, give in too much, or give in as appropriate to your children’s requests?
Do you communicate clearly with the children’s mother regarding punishments, rewards, their whereabouts, schedule etc.?

Are you a good example to your children and do you represent yourself well?

Do you avoid abusing your power as a father, using influence instead of force?
Do you have an open mind toward things you don’t understand?
Are you consistent in your actions, discipline, encouragement, love?
Following your lead, are your children respectful and kind to others?
Are you a good model for your daughters to know how to be treated by boys or other men?

Is building the character of your children a conscious part of your parenting?

Would you want your children to act as you do? Children will usually mimic you.
Do you encourage your children’s passions, dreams, and individuality?
Do you realize that lessons taught when your children are young will be anchored in them, but missed lessons may haunt them for a long time? Prevention is much easier than healing!
Do you allow them to make mistakes (for learning) when no one or nothing gets hurt?
Do you teach, or exemplify to your kids, kindness, values, discipline, or manners?
Do you praise good behavior while redirecting/correcting inappropriate behavior?
Do you help them to make responsible choices?
Do you tell your children mistakes are okay, but known wrongdoing is NOT a mistake?
Do you instill integrity, teaching what’s right to do and what is wrong to do?
Do they know what humility means and how it can help them to be liked and respected?
Do you teach your children to be self-reliant and to be responsible for their actions?
Have you taught them how to earn, value, save, and spend money?
Do your children know how to set and meet goals?
Do you emphasize and support education?

Summary

If you have plowed through this checklist, congratulations! The mere fact that you went through it all indicates you probably did well on your self-inspection. Your most important personal contribution to your family and society is your dedication to the welfare of your children. But none of us are perfect, and we do have many distractions. It’s good to review this checklist occasionally, maybe every Father's Day week, to check up on yourself while you are checking up on your children. Ask for guidance if you could use some help!

As mentioned, every topic in this checklist is explained, discussed, or answered in my book, “The Power of Dadhood: Become the Father Your Child Needs.”

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