Introduction
I read Jordan B. Petersen’s book, “12 Rules for Life” and enjoyed it immensely. It provided some very salient points to think about, and any book that makes you think is an excellent book. Petersen’s book inspired many others to create their own ‘12 rules’ for differing subjects. I’m piling on with my “12 Rules for Dads”. I like that Petersen’s title did not include “The” because that would be misleading. There are many rules for life, and we would very likely disagree with some of those by which other people live. These are guidelines I believe will work.
I’ve been thinking about these ‘rules’ for several years. Three years ago I published a book of which some of you are familiar, “The Power of Dadhood.” The italicized portions in these rules come directly from my book.
Of course, you are welcome to disagree with any of my “12 Rules”. I’m not looking for agreement; I’m hoping to help you think about your role and responsibilities as a parent. It is an enormous responsibility that can be done much more easily with just a few principles to keep in mind.
With that introduction, here are my ‘12 Rules for Dads’.
Rule #1
‘Being there’ is more than just being there.
Have you ever been driving on a long trip but you don’t remember driving through Springfield, or any other town? Well, you were there--but you were not ‘there’. Often, we are off in a surreal world of problem-solving, fantasy, or numbness. We need something to bring us back to the present when we are needed there. Occasionally ask yourself, “What about the kids?” Pay attention to them often. Your involvement is crucial. You may be able to help!
Don’t ever talk yourself out of being there for your kids. Your involvement or your absence will have an enormous impact on your children. They want you there with them, and if you feel the same way, it will allow miracles to occur that could have been nightmares. Your greatest leverage and influence is when your children are young; you need to be there for them in body and spirit…. while any father-child time is important, what really makes its mark is the quality, real devotion, amount of listening, and caring shared during that time. Often, just being around your children will encourage these things.
You don’t have to be in a serious discussion or joking with them all the time. It’s more of an attitude, an invisible positive vibration you send out. You’ll find that the more you honestly work at it, the better Dad you’ll be, the more you will enjoy it, and the better your children will react to your direction. You will be proud of what you have accomplished as a Dad, and this satisfaction will far outweigh that which you feel when you succeed at work or enjoy time with your friends.
Rule #2
Be a man if you can. (You’re not your children’s mother).
Hopefully, your children have a mother! They need her without question. Their mother is virtually irreplaceable and you, the father, will not likely have the parenting tools she has. But they need you also and what your maleness can bring into their lives! What you bring into their lives is very often different than what a mother brings.
What a father does to prepare his children for the challenges of life will likely be different from their mother’s approach.
Even if a man and a woman have similar values to teach their offspring, they likely have different strengths in relating to their children. Children need the diversity of ideas presented by both a mother and a father. They need a masculine and a feminine approach, a yin and a yang, different approaches and viewpoints. Differing views often complement each other…..
A father is different from a mother, and he should be. We are not living in an androgynous society. A boy doesn’t need two mothers, and a girl doesn’t want two mothers. We need memories of relationships with both genders. We need to learn from both. We need to respect both.
Mothers and fathers discipline differently, protect differently, and think differently; their expectations of their children are often different. A Mom can appreciate what the Dad can offer in raising their children, even if she would not do it the same way. And Dads appreciate the things Moms do, which are often those tasks that fathers feel less capable of handling.
Rule #3
Feed a cold, starve a fever (or is it the other way around?)
Don’t treat your kids the same. They are individuals with their own personalities. If you have three children, then you may need three approaches in your parenting.
Every child is unique and learns differently and at a different pace….
Whereas a bold son or daughter may need to be reeled in a bit, a mild-mannered child may need a push toward adventure. We as parents, and especially fathers, provide the counterbalance to what we perceive is a child’s tendency toward adventurous behavior or meekness. It is not unusual to have one child who has to be talked into things and another who needs to be talked out of things. Spare judgment on either and be careful not to compare.
It’s true that children have many personalities and traits. Therefore, you should treat all children fairly, but to treat them the same would not be fair.
Rule #4
Your children want discipline. Don’t disappoint them!
Kids don’t like vegetables, but they need a balanced diet. They don’t like to go to bed sometimes, but they need their rest. Teens want to stay out late, but they need to be protected. More importantly, they need to know you care! Disciplining is one of the best ways to show that you do care.
Kids don’t always know it, but they want your love and your direction.
They want to know what the limits are. Young brains cannot judge danger because kids feel invincible. Children need to know the rules to succeed in society and need to have principles to base their decisions on. Having principles contributes to their self-esteem.
Children must learn that when no respect is given, no respect will be received; when no work is accomplished, no rewards will be forthcoming. When they fight you on the limits, dangers, rules, and principles you teach, don’t interpret that as their desire for you to go away. They may think they want you to leave them alone, but if you did, they would be hurt deeply. Mostly, your kids need love and guidance, and you give them these gifts by being consistent and firm with them.
Rule #5
Your actions yell, your words whisper.
Your children will watch what you do more than what you say.
One thing you need not worry about—it will happen with certainty—is this: your children will learn from you. They learn in two ways: First, they learn by what you point out to them that they may never see on their own. I call this parenting. Second, they observe and mimic you. I call this as parental osmosis.
In parental osmosis, your influence can take two opposite paths. One is as a good example in which your children want to emulate your kindness or wisdom. The other is as a terrible example in which they will try their best not to be the uncaring, slothful, or cruel parent they have seen exemplified by you. The worst outcome of all is when your children assume that your bad behavior is the correct behavior, and so that is what they emulate. To be the best influence, you must be a person of clear character and integrity, not only in their eyes, but in truth, in life, and in all things.
Take stock of your values and actions. If you are rude to your elders, your children will most likely be rude to theirs. If you smile often, they are more likely to smile than not. If you smoke, they will see that as an endorsement for smoking, even if you tell them not to. If you always do what you say you will do, they will learn to do the same.
Rule #6
Your marriage is none of their business!
Don’t ever involve your children in your private marital issues!
When ... intolerance is between a husband and wife, the home atmosphere can be uncomfortable or frightening for all, especially the children.
Few things upset a child more than their parents arguing. The diversity of a mother and father is so positive for their children, but so is their cooperation in raising them. Personal issues or anger happens in the best of marriages. When this happens, try never to complain to your kids about their mother! Never yell or use profanities in their presence. They can’t solve your issues, and they don’t want to take sides. Some matters are too young for them to understand, others too ugly to hear.
Rule #7
Love is more than a warm, cozy feeling.
Love is action too! Make ‘what you feel’ be felt within your children’s hearts. Wink, smile, look at them in a way they can feel the love.
Children need to feel your love through conversations, special moments together, and just knowing you will be there for their emotional needs.
Love is encouragement. Love is awareness and involvement. Love is caring, listening, and perfecting the ‘12 rules’ to the best of your ability.
Rule #8
Think you’re a great dad? Be greater!
So you bring home the bacon. That’s great! Some men don’t. Is that enough? You go to their games, recitals, and plays. Thank goodness! Are they a priority in your decision making? That’s awesome! If you teach and nurture them their whole life, you may not perfect, but you will certainly be one of the best!
Mold your children with love and intelligence, and do it early. Give them tools, not Band-Aids. Pay attention to their needs, correct their misperceptions, and give them a helping hand, not a handout. You can do it and you must. Everything I have suggested in this book is worthless to you without your best efforts as a father to practice these principles. Be the best Dad your children could ever have. You are the only man in the world who can do so.
Rule #9
Be yourself, but . . .
You never have to be like the dad next door, or your dad, or the dad on TV (most of whom are not that good anyway). You have to be who you are, but you must give your best in your role as a father.
“Dads should change a diaper, but it’s not necessary to be a good Dad. It’s nice when a Dad combs his daughter’s hair, but is he a bad father if he doesn’t do so? To do these things would be perfectly normal for some Dads but may put other Dads off a bit. Having a “caveman mentality”— men hunt and provide, women take care of domestic issues—doesn’t always equate to being a bad Dad. Unnecessary pressure to do certain tasks should be weighed against the good and necessary things he does otherwise as a father.
Each parent’s role is a family issue that needs reflection, conversation, and likely compromise. We need to remember it is the child who is important, not rigid equality in parental duties. Ideally and logically, a child needs a functioning mother and father, not parents who don’t know their roles.
Fathers need to be comfortable and confident, or they may fail in their role. A man must be himself as a father because what comes naturally comes easiest. Of course, he must subdue certain temperaments like being aloof, grouchy, or too busy. We all have our moments of being less than perfect, and that’s okay, but we must always try to be better.
For fathering to be natural, we only have to be ourselves. If you are a fisherman, take your kids fishing. If you’re a NASCAR fan, go to a race. If you like spectator sports, take them to a ball game. Teach them woodworking if that’s what you know best. Read with them if you like to read. Just be actively involved with your kids.”
Rule #10
You don’t need to be funny, but you should try to be fun.
Some of us are naturally funny; some of us are not. As mentioned in Rule #9, you have to be yourself! Fortunately for those of us who aren’t naturally funny, you don’t have to be a comedian to be fun.
Routines beget habits, consistency, comfort, and discipline. They are a safe place to return to but are not good to stay in constantly or forever. Routine for older children can be a bore and not conducive for growth, so breaks from routine can be good, fun, and also quite simple…..
You rarely remember moments performed in a routine. You may remember the routine, but seldom a particular moment. But you will remember a time when the routine is broken, such as making a special breakfast before school instead of instant oatmeal, or turning off the TV one evening to play family board games, or letting your kids stay up late, even on a school night, to see a predicted asteroid shower.
A good dad knows when to break Rule #11. And does it following Rule #9. It proves Rule #8 and shows awareness of Rule #12. He is putting into use Rules #1, #2, #5, and #7! It is a very good rule!
Rule # 11
Be constantly consistent, not constantly inconsistent.
Kids thrive on consistency! Anything else will slow down their development. This is one of the most difficult rules for parents to follow because emotions and sometimes laziness get in the way.
Nothing ruins a child’s respect for a parent like a promise or a punishment unfulfilled. It cannot be repeated often enough: without consistency there is no order, just chaos. Within your family, inconsistency will confuse your children and cause you to lose whatever respect you may have gained. They will ignore your idle threats. They will doubt your promises. Their memory of you will be clouded. And they will see you as a shell and not a rock….. And it is hard work—consistent and respected fathers remember what they say and do, keep their promises, and are rarely lazy
Rule #12
Know Yin and Yang
Life is push and pull, up and down, left then right-all in balance. An example of balance can be a marble in the bottom of a bowl, or a marble swirling on the sides of a gyrating bowl. The first vision is boring, stoic, and limited. The second vision is dynamic, interesting and ever changing, yet in perfect balance at every moment. Balance for a parent is constantly shifting and balancing to the gyrations of life, knowing when to push and when to pull back.
Be involved but not too involved. Be principled but don’t be preachy. Be consistent but not inflexible. Be loving, but don’t be a pushover. Be fun but be respected. Know your own limits. You cannot be consistent if you don’t have principles. You can’t be loving or fun if you are not involved.
Summary
This ‘Fatherhood Manifesto’, consisting of 12 rules or guidelines, is a proposal for dads to consider. It’s a platform from which you can to measure your methodology and skills as a father. Complete compliance is not necessary to make you a great dad, but considering these principles will help you think about your ‘Dadhood”--which is ‘Fatherhood’ in action, as a nurturing parent.
I read Jordan B. Petersen’s book, “12 Rules for Life” and enjoyed it immensely. It provided some very salient points to think about, and any book that makes you think is an excellent book. Petersen’s book inspired many others to create their own ‘12 rules’ for differing subjects. I’m piling on with my “12 Rules for Dads”. I like that Petersen’s title did not include “The” because that would be misleading. There are many rules for life, and we would very likely disagree with some of those by which other people live. These are guidelines I believe will work.
I’ve been thinking about these ‘rules’ for several years. Three years ago I published a book of which some of you are familiar, “The Power of Dadhood.” The italicized portions in these rules come directly from my book.
Of course, you are welcome to disagree with any of my “12 Rules”. I’m not looking for agreement; I’m hoping to help you think about your role and responsibilities as a parent. It is an enormous responsibility that can be done much more easily with just a few principles to keep in mind.
With that introduction, here are my ‘12 Rules for Dads’.
Rule #1
‘Being there’ is more than just being there.
Have you ever been driving on a long trip but you don’t remember driving through Springfield, or any other town? Well, you were there--but you were not ‘there’. Often, we are off in a surreal world of problem-solving, fantasy, or numbness. We need something to bring us back to the present when we are needed there. Occasionally ask yourself, “What about the kids?” Pay attention to them often. Your involvement is crucial. You may be able to help!
Don’t ever talk yourself out of being there for your kids. Your involvement or your absence will have an enormous impact on your children. They want you there with them, and if you feel the same way, it will allow miracles to occur that could have been nightmares. Your greatest leverage and influence is when your children are young; you need to be there for them in body and spirit…. while any father-child time is important, what really makes its mark is the quality, real devotion, amount of listening, and caring shared during that time. Often, just being around your children will encourage these things.
You don’t have to be in a serious discussion or joking with them all the time. It’s more of an attitude, an invisible positive vibration you send out. You’ll find that the more you honestly work at it, the better Dad you’ll be, the more you will enjoy it, and the better your children will react to your direction. You will be proud of what you have accomplished as a Dad, and this satisfaction will far outweigh that which you feel when you succeed at work or enjoy time with your friends.
Rule #2
Be a man if you can. (You’re not your children’s mother).
Hopefully, your children have a mother! They need her without question. Their mother is virtually irreplaceable and you, the father, will not likely have the parenting tools she has. But they need you also and what your maleness can bring into their lives! What you bring into their lives is very often different than what a mother brings.
What a father does to prepare his children for the challenges of life will likely be different from their mother’s approach.
Even if a man and a woman have similar values to teach their offspring, they likely have different strengths in relating to their children. Children need the diversity of ideas presented by both a mother and a father. They need a masculine and a feminine approach, a yin and a yang, different approaches and viewpoints. Differing views often complement each other…..
A father is different from a mother, and he should be. We are not living in an androgynous society. A boy doesn’t need two mothers, and a girl doesn’t want two mothers. We need memories of relationships with both genders. We need to learn from both. We need to respect both.
Mothers and fathers discipline differently, protect differently, and think differently; their expectations of their children are often different. A Mom can appreciate what the Dad can offer in raising their children, even if she would not do it the same way. And Dads appreciate the things Moms do, which are often those tasks that fathers feel less capable of handling.
Rule #3
Feed a cold, starve a fever (or is it the other way around?)
Don’t treat your kids the same. They are individuals with their own personalities. If you have three children, then you may need three approaches in your parenting.
Every child is unique and learns differently and at a different pace….
Whereas a bold son or daughter may need to be reeled in a bit, a mild-mannered child may need a push toward adventure. We as parents, and especially fathers, provide the counterbalance to what we perceive is a child’s tendency toward adventurous behavior or meekness. It is not unusual to have one child who has to be talked into things and another who needs to be talked out of things. Spare judgment on either and be careful not to compare.
It’s true that children have many personalities and traits. Therefore, you should treat all children fairly, but to treat them the same would not be fair.
Rule #4
Your children want discipline. Don’t disappoint them!
Kids don’t like vegetables, but they need a balanced diet. They don’t like to go to bed sometimes, but they need their rest. Teens want to stay out late, but they need to be protected. More importantly, they need to know you care! Disciplining is one of the best ways to show that you do care.
Kids don’t always know it, but they want your love and your direction.
They want to know what the limits are. Young brains cannot judge danger because kids feel invincible. Children need to know the rules to succeed in society and need to have principles to base their decisions on. Having principles contributes to their self-esteem.
Children must learn that when no respect is given, no respect will be received; when no work is accomplished, no rewards will be forthcoming. When they fight you on the limits, dangers, rules, and principles you teach, don’t interpret that as their desire for you to go away. They may think they want you to leave them alone, but if you did, they would be hurt deeply. Mostly, your kids need love and guidance, and you give them these gifts by being consistent and firm with them.
Rule #5
Your actions yell, your words whisper.
Your children will watch what you do more than what you say.
One thing you need not worry about—it will happen with certainty—is this: your children will learn from you. They learn in two ways: First, they learn by what you point out to them that they may never see on their own. I call this parenting. Second, they observe and mimic you. I call this as parental osmosis.
In parental osmosis, your influence can take two opposite paths. One is as a good example in which your children want to emulate your kindness or wisdom. The other is as a terrible example in which they will try their best not to be the uncaring, slothful, or cruel parent they have seen exemplified by you. The worst outcome of all is when your children assume that your bad behavior is the correct behavior, and so that is what they emulate. To be the best influence, you must be a person of clear character and integrity, not only in their eyes, but in truth, in life, and in all things.
Take stock of your values and actions. If you are rude to your elders, your children will most likely be rude to theirs. If you smile often, they are more likely to smile than not. If you smoke, they will see that as an endorsement for smoking, even if you tell them not to. If you always do what you say you will do, they will learn to do the same.
Rule #6
Your marriage is none of their business!
Don’t ever involve your children in your private marital issues!
When ... intolerance is between a husband and wife, the home atmosphere can be uncomfortable or frightening for all, especially the children.
Few things upset a child more than their parents arguing. The diversity of a mother and father is so positive for their children, but so is their cooperation in raising them. Personal issues or anger happens in the best of marriages. When this happens, try never to complain to your kids about their mother! Never yell or use profanities in their presence. They can’t solve your issues, and they don’t want to take sides. Some matters are too young for them to understand, others too ugly to hear.
Rule #7
Love is more than a warm, cozy feeling.
Love is action too! Make ‘what you feel’ be felt within your children’s hearts. Wink, smile, look at them in a way they can feel the love.
Children need to feel your love through conversations, special moments together, and just knowing you will be there for their emotional needs.
Love is encouragement. Love is awareness and involvement. Love is caring, listening, and perfecting the ‘12 rules’ to the best of your ability.
Rule #8
Think you’re a great dad? Be greater!
So you bring home the bacon. That’s great! Some men don’t. Is that enough? You go to their games, recitals, and plays. Thank goodness! Are they a priority in your decision making? That’s awesome! If you teach and nurture them their whole life, you may not perfect, but you will certainly be one of the best!
Mold your children with love and intelligence, and do it early. Give them tools, not Band-Aids. Pay attention to their needs, correct their misperceptions, and give them a helping hand, not a handout. You can do it and you must. Everything I have suggested in this book is worthless to you without your best efforts as a father to practice these principles. Be the best Dad your children could ever have. You are the only man in the world who can do so.
Rule #9
Be yourself, but . . .
You never have to be like the dad next door, or your dad, or the dad on TV (most of whom are not that good anyway). You have to be who you are, but you must give your best in your role as a father.
“Dads should change a diaper, but it’s not necessary to be a good Dad. It’s nice when a Dad combs his daughter’s hair, but is he a bad father if he doesn’t do so? To do these things would be perfectly normal for some Dads but may put other Dads off a bit. Having a “caveman mentality”— men hunt and provide, women take care of domestic issues—doesn’t always equate to being a bad Dad. Unnecessary pressure to do certain tasks should be weighed against the good and necessary things he does otherwise as a father.
Each parent’s role is a family issue that needs reflection, conversation, and likely compromise. We need to remember it is the child who is important, not rigid equality in parental duties. Ideally and logically, a child needs a functioning mother and father, not parents who don’t know their roles.
Fathers need to be comfortable and confident, or they may fail in their role. A man must be himself as a father because what comes naturally comes easiest. Of course, he must subdue certain temperaments like being aloof, grouchy, or too busy. We all have our moments of being less than perfect, and that’s okay, but we must always try to be better.
For fathering to be natural, we only have to be ourselves. If you are a fisherman, take your kids fishing. If you’re a NASCAR fan, go to a race. If you like spectator sports, take them to a ball game. Teach them woodworking if that’s what you know best. Read with them if you like to read. Just be actively involved with your kids.”
Rule #10
You don’t need to be funny, but you should try to be fun.
Some of us are naturally funny; some of us are not. As mentioned in Rule #9, you have to be yourself! Fortunately for those of us who aren’t naturally funny, you don’t have to be a comedian to be fun.
Routines beget habits, consistency, comfort, and discipline. They are a safe place to return to but are not good to stay in constantly or forever. Routine for older children can be a bore and not conducive for growth, so breaks from routine can be good, fun, and also quite simple…..
You rarely remember moments performed in a routine. You may remember the routine, but seldom a particular moment. But you will remember a time when the routine is broken, such as making a special breakfast before school instead of instant oatmeal, or turning off the TV one evening to play family board games, or letting your kids stay up late, even on a school night, to see a predicted asteroid shower.
A good dad knows when to break Rule #11. And does it following Rule #9. It proves Rule #8 and shows awareness of Rule #12. He is putting into use Rules #1, #2, #5, and #7! It is a very good rule!
Rule # 11
Be constantly consistent, not constantly inconsistent.
Kids thrive on consistency! Anything else will slow down their development. This is one of the most difficult rules for parents to follow because emotions and sometimes laziness get in the way.
Nothing ruins a child’s respect for a parent like a promise or a punishment unfulfilled. It cannot be repeated often enough: without consistency there is no order, just chaos. Within your family, inconsistency will confuse your children and cause you to lose whatever respect you may have gained. They will ignore your idle threats. They will doubt your promises. Their memory of you will be clouded. And they will see you as a shell and not a rock….. And it is hard work—consistent and respected fathers remember what they say and do, keep their promises, and are rarely lazy
Rule #12
Know Yin and Yang
Life is push and pull, up and down, left then right-all in balance. An example of balance can be a marble in the bottom of a bowl, or a marble swirling on the sides of a gyrating bowl. The first vision is boring, stoic, and limited. The second vision is dynamic, interesting and ever changing, yet in perfect balance at every moment. Balance for a parent is constantly shifting and balancing to the gyrations of life, knowing when to push and when to pull back.
Be involved but not too involved. Be principled but don’t be preachy. Be consistent but not inflexible. Be loving, but don’t be a pushover. Be fun but be respected. Know your own limits. You cannot be consistent if you don’t have principles. You can’t be loving or fun if you are not involved.
Summary
This ‘Fatherhood Manifesto’, consisting of 12 rules or guidelines, is a proposal for dads to consider. It’s a platform from which you can to measure your methodology and skills as a father. Complete compliance is not necessary to make you a great dad, but considering these principles will help you think about your ‘Dadhood”--which is ‘Fatherhood’ in action, as a nurturing parent.
