If fathers who fear fathering and run away from it could only see how little fathering is enough. Mostly, the father just needs to be there."
~ Dr. Frank Pittman, Man Enough
Boys (and therefore, men) are in big trouble and it’s our fault! I don’t mean trouble as in playing hooky or breaking a window. No! They are in trouble for their overall trend of increasing failure to thrive in many aspects of society. Certainly, we have seen much violence from boys from gangs to lone wolves. But violence is just part of the problem. Boys are being outdone by girls in many facets of life, from schooling, to jobs, to mental and physical health.
For those of you who have read my book on fathering, or read this dad blog of mine, you are quite aware of my fight to save children by emphasizing their need to be raised by healthy, aware, and caring parents. Of course, my only claims to being an expert on the topic are being a father-deprived child myself and then being a father to my own children. So I do quite a bit of self-study on the topic and I use quotes herein.
What do the experts say?
Here are two quotes I used in my book, 'The Power of Dadhood':
“For boys, the most socially acute manifestation of paternal disinvestment is juvenile violence. For girls, it is juvenile and out-of-wedlock childbearing. One primary result of growing fatherlessness is more boys with guns. Another is more girls with babies.”
—David Blankenhorn, 'Fatherless America'
“For the best part of thirty years we have been conducting a vast experiment with the family, and now the results are in: the decline of the two-parent, married-couple family has resulted in poverty, ill-health, educational failure, unhappiness, anti-social behavior, isolation and social exclusion for thousands of women, men and children.”
—Rebecca O’Neill, 'Experiments in Living: The Fatherless Family'
Both boys and girls suffer from the lack of a father’s love and guidance. As Blankenhorn mentioned in his quote, girls have more babies - often raised with little means and/or no father. Boys are more violent, have an affinity for guns, and resort to mischievousness, or thuggery to prove themselves. We’re not saying every father-hungry boy or girl will react this way but, overall, it is a true and undeniable problem to society. Let’s concentrate here on boys, who seem to be most adversely affected.
What’s Going on with Boys?
A passage in Frank Pittman’s 'Man Enough' sums it up nicely:
Life for most boys and many grown men is a frustrating search for the lost father who has not yet offered protection, provision, nurturing, modeling, or, especially, anointment. All those tough guys who want to scare the world into seeing them as men, and who fill up the jails; all those men who aren’t at home, who don’t know how to be a man with a woman, only a brute or a boy, and who fill up the divorce courts; all those corporate raiders and rain-forest burners and war starters who want more in hopes that more will make them feel better; and all those masculopathic philanderers, contenders, and controllers who fill up my office—all of them are suffering from Father Hunger.
Or as stated in 'The Good Father' by Mark O’Connell:
“Social deprivation, injurious life experiences, and hurtful relational interactions generate aggression.” And further, “Nurture and social context unarguably play a major role [in aggression].”
Boys are like race cars. They have so much energy to burn, but should be kept under control or they will be reckless and dangerous. They need a track to follow and a pit crew to take care of their needs. Metaphorically, they need to change tires before they have a blowout, or refuel before they run out of gas. A mom an dad can make a darn good pit crew!
Recently, there has been more discussion on boys and the problems they face and cause. Inner city crime by Black boys and school shootings by Caucasian boys have become catastrophic problems. But that isn’t the entire picture. Fortunately, a book came out this past month that discusses why boys are struggling and what we can do about it, entitled, 'The Boy Crisis', by Warren Farrell, PhD and John Gray, PhD.
Farrell and Gray’s work is backed up by fifty-seven pages of hundreds of endnotes. It is thorough and compelling! If you were to ask which book to read regarding the issues of children without fathers, I would recommend 'The Boy Crisis' over my book, 'The Power of Dadhood'. 'The Boy Crisis' is researched more thoroughly, is more academic, and thorough. My book, however, does have the advantages of being much easier to read, much shorter, and talks directly to dads with the same message, published three years prior. They are good companions.
The Issues
Beyond the issues of violence and other crimes, our sons are worse off than our daughters in almost every category as discovered by Farrell and Gray:
This is bad news for women too because successful women are attracted to men who are even more successful. The pool of men attractive to successful women is shrinking and some women will move on without a man. If she has children, it could be without a strong father. Not a good outcome for our daughters, and especially our sons.
In his book, '12 Rules for Life', Dr. Jordan Peterson wrote:
“If they’re healthy, women don’t want boys. They want men. They want someone to contend with; someone to grapple with. If they’re tough, they want someone tougher. If they are smart, they want someone smarter. They desire someone who brings to the table something they can’t already provide. This makes it hard for tough, smart, attractive women to find mates: there just aren’t that many men around who can outclass them enough to be considered desirable….”
There are so many other Statistics that can’t be ignored. Here are just a few!
Why are boys in so much trouble?
A quote from 'The Boy Crisis':
The boy crisis’ primary cause is dad-deprived boys. Dad deprivation stems primarily from the lack of father involvement, and secondarily from devaluing what a father contributes when he is involved.
You must get some sense that fatherless homes are a major cause of many of our societal problems. And as serious as this issue is, finding ways to solve the fathering issue are ignored to a large degree. Instead, we are barraged with how to solve gun violence, the drug issue, the crime problem and others. These are all important issues to be solved that would be less serious and less frequent with a strong two-parent home environment for all kids.
From 'The Power of Dadhood':
“Often a young man will measure himself against other young men raised without involved fathers, or he dreams of being like one of his hypermasculine movie heroes. Comparisons like these place a value on toughness, aggression, and violence, with little or no regard for compassion, compromise, and kindness, which are considered signs of weakness in that make-believe, hypermasculine world.”
A Wake-Up Call
It’s interesting and sad that many fathers have no idea how important they are! Dr. Farrell, in Chapter 14, lists fifteen well-researched reasons why dads matter to their sons. In Appendix B, he mentions more than seventy benefits to children of a fully involved dad, and the dangers of dad deprivation.
Every dad needs to know what his involvement means to his children, particularly to boys. Many do not! This knowledge alone would encourage fathers to do more, to know their value, and to rearrange their priorities. Most uninvolved dads are not bad people. It may be they are busy earning money for their family, or maybe they are unfamiliar with how to parent, and/or sometimes fathers are placed secondarily to the mother in parenting. Perhaps, all that is necessary to help most fathers to be better dads is a simple ‘wake-up’ call. That was my goal in ‘The Power of Dadhood’ and I hope ‘The Boy Crisis’ does this in a much more powerful way.
Note: It may be necessary here to declare that this is a call to fathers with the cooperation of mothers, not a dismissal of a mother’s love and importance in any way. Hopefully, this is totally needless to say. However, some moms I know personally have taken my work on fatherhood in the wrong way. A relative of my wife told me, “This is a slap in the face to single mothers who have worked very hard and have raised healthy children”. No, it isn’t about the failings of mothers. Kids are better off with two caring parents. That doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t succeed with a single parent. My mom raised me and my five siblings on her own. We are a mixed bag of success. Simply said, I would never want to see a child raised without a mother!
It’s Not Too Complicated
Being a good father is not rocket science. In his book, Man Enough, Frank Pittman M.D. sums it up very simply.
“There was no secret to fathering, no magical answers about masculinity that are passed on from generation to generation. Boys learn to be men by being with their fathers, experiencing the world and living life. But if they haven’t had that experience, they may never feel comfortable with an awareness of what it means to be a man, what they are supposed to do with their masculinity, and how they can become fathers themselves.”
Here are some more ‘Quick Notes’ on Boys: from 'The Power of Dadhood' to show how simple some of the keys to fathering success can be.
Summary
In the days of farming and the need for muscle, families preferred to have boys to keep the family prosperous. They were kept busy, useful, and valued. Now they have more time on their hands and less guidance. Their natural energy needs direction and they need to have self-worth. Boys need the nurturing and affirmation of their mothers and the challenges and expectations from their fathers to make it in the real world.
“The more survival is at stake, the more we say, “Sorry, it’s a girl.” The more luxury we feel, the more we say, “Sorry, it’s a boy.” Today, fertility doctors report that 80 percent of aspiring parents would prefer a girl.”
- Page 81 of, ‘The Boy Crisis’
We should never value one sex over another based on their value to us. Of course, if you already have a boy, then wanting a girl is understandable, or vice versa. But to ignore one sex over another after they are born is appalling, hurting both the child and society! Dads, with the help of moms, can change the world in a most positive way - just by being there - just by showing they care.
Note: See my suggestions for helping families at the end of my blog article, “It’s the Family, Stupid”
#powerofdadhood
~ Dr. Frank Pittman, Man Enough
Boys (and therefore, men) are in big trouble and it’s our fault! I don’t mean trouble as in playing hooky or breaking a window. No! They are in trouble for their overall trend of increasing failure to thrive in many aspects of society. Certainly, we have seen much violence from boys from gangs to lone wolves. But violence is just part of the problem. Boys are being outdone by girls in many facets of life, from schooling, to jobs, to mental and physical health.
For those of you who have read my book on fathering, or read this dad blog of mine, you are quite aware of my fight to save children by emphasizing their need to be raised by healthy, aware, and caring parents. Of course, my only claims to being an expert on the topic are being a father-deprived child myself and then being a father to my own children. So I do quite a bit of self-study on the topic and I use quotes herein.
What do the experts say?
Here are two quotes I used in my book, 'The Power of Dadhood':
“For boys, the most socially acute manifestation of paternal disinvestment is juvenile violence. For girls, it is juvenile and out-of-wedlock childbearing. One primary result of growing fatherlessness is more boys with guns. Another is more girls with babies.”
—David Blankenhorn, 'Fatherless America'
“For the best part of thirty years we have been conducting a vast experiment with the family, and now the results are in: the decline of the two-parent, married-couple family has resulted in poverty, ill-health, educational failure, unhappiness, anti-social behavior, isolation and social exclusion for thousands of women, men and children.”
—Rebecca O’Neill, 'Experiments in Living: The Fatherless Family'
Both boys and girls suffer from the lack of a father’s love and guidance. As Blankenhorn mentioned in his quote, girls have more babies - often raised with little means and/or no father. Boys are more violent, have an affinity for guns, and resort to mischievousness, or thuggery to prove themselves. We’re not saying every father-hungry boy or girl will react this way but, overall, it is a true and undeniable problem to society. Let’s concentrate here on boys, who seem to be most adversely affected.
What’s Going on with Boys?
A passage in Frank Pittman’s 'Man Enough' sums it up nicely:
Life for most boys and many grown men is a frustrating search for the lost father who has not yet offered protection, provision, nurturing, modeling, or, especially, anointment. All those tough guys who want to scare the world into seeing them as men, and who fill up the jails; all those men who aren’t at home, who don’t know how to be a man with a woman, only a brute or a boy, and who fill up the divorce courts; all those corporate raiders and rain-forest burners and war starters who want more in hopes that more will make them feel better; and all those masculopathic philanderers, contenders, and controllers who fill up my office—all of them are suffering from Father Hunger.
Or as stated in 'The Good Father' by Mark O’Connell:
“Social deprivation, injurious life experiences, and hurtful relational interactions generate aggression.” And further, “Nurture and social context unarguably play a major role [in aggression].”
Boys are like race cars. They have so much energy to burn, but should be kept under control or they will be reckless and dangerous. They need a track to follow and a pit crew to take care of their needs. Metaphorically, they need to change tires before they have a blowout, or refuel before they run out of gas. A mom an dad can make a darn good pit crew!
Recently, there has been more discussion on boys and the problems they face and cause. Inner city crime by Black boys and school shootings by Caucasian boys have become catastrophic problems. But that isn’t the entire picture. Fortunately, a book came out this past month that discusses why boys are struggling and what we can do about it, entitled, 'The Boy Crisis', by Warren Farrell, PhD and John Gray, PhD.
Farrell and Gray’s work is backed up by fifty-seven pages of hundreds of endnotes. It is thorough and compelling! If you were to ask which book to read regarding the issues of children without fathers, I would recommend 'The Boy Crisis' over my book, 'The Power of Dadhood'. 'The Boy Crisis' is researched more thoroughly, is more academic, and thorough. My book, however, does have the advantages of being much easier to read, much shorter, and talks directly to dads with the same message, published three years prior. They are good companions.
The Issues
Beyond the issues of violence and other crimes, our sons are worse off than our daughters in almost every category as discovered by Farrell and Gray:
- Health, where men die at a younger age in 14 of the 15 leading causes of death.
- Economics, where, in 147 US cities women under 30 out-earn their male peers by 8%. And this data is from 2010! (Search “workplace salaries at last woman on top”). Also, the median earnings of boys with just a high school diploma dropped 26% in the last forty years.
- Education, where 61% of women receive college degrees vs 39% of men. In 1970, the stats were reversed. Girls do better in almost all aspects of education and schooling. Many more women are becoming doctors than men.
This is bad news for women too because successful women are attracted to men who are even more successful. The pool of men attractive to successful women is shrinking and some women will move on without a man. If she has children, it could be without a strong father. Not a good outcome for our daughters, and especially our sons.
In his book, '12 Rules for Life', Dr. Jordan Peterson wrote:
“If they’re healthy, women don’t want boys. They want men. They want someone to contend with; someone to grapple with. If they’re tough, they want someone tougher. If they are smart, they want someone smarter. They desire someone who brings to the table something they can’t already provide. This makes it hard for tough, smart, attractive women to find mates: there just aren’t that many men around who can outclass them enough to be considered desirable….”
There are so many other Statistics that can’t be ignored. Here are just a few!
- 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (US Dept. Of Health/Census) – 5 times the average.
- 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes – 32 times the average.
- 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Center for Disease Control)
- 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average. (Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26)
- 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average. (National Principals Association Report)
Why are boys in so much trouble?
A quote from 'The Boy Crisis':
The boy crisis’ primary cause is dad-deprived boys. Dad deprivation stems primarily from the lack of father involvement, and secondarily from devaluing what a father contributes when he is involved.
You must get some sense that fatherless homes are a major cause of many of our societal problems. And as serious as this issue is, finding ways to solve the fathering issue are ignored to a large degree. Instead, we are barraged with how to solve gun violence, the drug issue, the crime problem and others. These are all important issues to be solved that would be less serious and less frequent with a strong two-parent home environment for all kids.
From 'The Power of Dadhood':
“Often a young man will measure himself against other young men raised without involved fathers, or he dreams of being like one of his hypermasculine movie heroes. Comparisons like these place a value on toughness, aggression, and violence, with little or no regard for compassion, compromise, and kindness, which are considered signs of weakness in that make-believe, hypermasculine world.”
A Wake-Up Call
It’s interesting and sad that many fathers have no idea how important they are! Dr. Farrell, in Chapter 14, lists fifteen well-researched reasons why dads matter to their sons. In Appendix B, he mentions more than seventy benefits to children of a fully involved dad, and the dangers of dad deprivation.
Every dad needs to know what his involvement means to his children, particularly to boys. Many do not! This knowledge alone would encourage fathers to do more, to know their value, and to rearrange their priorities. Most uninvolved dads are not bad people. It may be they are busy earning money for their family, or maybe they are unfamiliar with how to parent, and/or sometimes fathers are placed secondarily to the mother in parenting. Perhaps, all that is necessary to help most fathers to be better dads is a simple ‘wake-up’ call. That was my goal in ‘The Power of Dadhood’ and I hope ‘The Boy Crisis’ does this in a much more powerful way.
Note: It may be necessary here to declare that this is a call to fathers with the cooperation of mothers, not a dismissal of a mother’s love and importance in any way. Hopefully, this is totally needless to say. However, some moms I know personally have taken my work on fatherhood in the wrong way. A relative of my wife told me, “This is a slap in the face to single mothers who have worked very hard and have raised healthy children”. No, it isn’t about the failings of mothers. Kids are better off with two caring parents. That doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t succeed with a single parent. My mom raised me and my five siblings on her own. We are a mixed bag of success. Simply said, I would never want to see a child raised without a mother!
It’s Not Too Complicated
Being a good father is not rocket science. In his book, Man Enough, Frank Pittman M.D. sums it up very simply.
“There was no secret to fathering, no magical answers about masculinity that are passed on from generation to generation. Boys learn to be men by being with their fathers, experiencing the world and living life. But if they haven’t had that experience, they may never feel comfortable with an awareness of what it means to be a man, what they are supposed to do with their masculinity, and how they can become fathers themselves.”
Here are some more ‘Quick Notes’ on Boys: from 'The Power of Dadhood' to show how simple some of the keys to fathering success can be.
- Mentor them; show them what real-life men are like (just by being yourself).
- Do guy things together.
- Teach them to be respectful.
- Know their friends.
- Let them try new things with your supervision (e.g., fix a flat tire).
- Let them approach you with problems.
- Never shame them!
Summary
In the days of farming and the need for muscle, families preferred to have boys to keep the family prosperous. They were kept busy, useful, and valued. Now they have more time on their hands and less guidance. Their natural energy needs direction and they need to have self-worth. Boys need the nurturing and affirmation of their mothers and the challenges and expectations from their fathers to make it in the real world.
“The more survival is at stake, the more we say, “Sorry, it’s a girl.” The more luxury we feel, the more we say, “Sorry, it’s a boy.” Today, fertility doctors report that 80 percent of aspiring parents would prefer a girl.”
- Page 81 of, ‘The Boy Crisis’
We should never value one sex over another based on their value to us. Of course, if you already have a boy, then wanting a girl is understandable, or vice versa. But to ignore one sex over another after they are born is appalling, hurting both the child and society! Dads, with the help of moms, can change the world in a most positive way - just by being there - just by showing they care.
Note: See my suggestions for helping families at the end of my blog article, “It’s the Family, Stupid”
#powerofdadhood
