The author, his wife, and grandchildren I became a father to a sweet little baby girl (April) when I was twenty-six. I actually wanted a girl then and I don’t know why. At that time in my life, I was not where I am today on my views on fatherhood. I didn’t often consider how I would impact her life. I didn’t reflect on the life I had with and without my father. But I did know I wanted to be there for her in every way. I was in the Air Force at the time, much of it spent on ‘alert’ as they called it, living a few hundred feet away from a nuclear-equipped B-52 bomber for which my crewmembers and I were trained to fly a classified mission if necessary, but hopefully never! Our main purpose was as a deterrent to the Soviet threat during the cold war.
Being on alert meant being away from home for a week at a time. This was difficult on my wife, Kathy, because April had sleep issues and our families were an eighteen-hour drive away. When I came home, I would take April with me everywhere I went to give Kathy a break from her week alone as a solo parent. My assignment was at Ellsworth, AFB near Rapid City, South Dakota. At that time in the late 1970s, there was not much going on in Rapid City, a nice but smaller city, no malls at the time. I had to look for ways to entertain a toddler; and being cold for much of the year, we looked for places indoors. Our favorite spot to hang out was K-Mart. We would go there and walk the aisles with April on my shoulders or riding in a shopping cart. We’d look at shiny objects and maybe buy a couple things to not be kicked out for loitering. Often, it was incredibly boring but I never regretted spending time with April.
I left the Air Force with mixed emotions soon after Michael our second child was born. It was a poor decision professionally, especially for a guy that loved flying, but I thought a good decision for my family. I had never lived anywhere more than a year and I knew staying in the Air Force would not give me the roots I had always longed for. We moved back to St. Louis, bought a home, and I joined the Missouri Air National Guard full time, but reluctantly had to adjust to flying a desk and not an aircraft. That was tough for me, but we were home with family nearby and no more alert duty.
Remarkably, I spent less time with my two kids. I didn’t have those couple of days off after coming off alert. I worked a 40 plus hour week and many weekends due to military duty. I was using the GI bill taking Master’s classes and getting my commercial pilot’s license. All this was taking up time from my wife and kids.
Four more years and my last child was born, another daughter! I remember driving home from the hospital with my oldest two singing her name, R-A-C-H-E-L, to the tune of the “Farmer in the Dell”. We had the perfect little family and in my mind, I thought I was doing all the right stuff as a dad. I was earning a living allowing Kathy to be a full-time mom; something we both wanted. I did everything my dad never did. I supported my family financially. I went to the girl’s dance recitals. I even coached Michael’s baseball team for three years. Compared to my father, I deserved to be on the cover of “Fatherhood Superstars”! But there was so much I didn’t know. There was so much more to being a father.
What I didn’t do was to consciously notice the weaknesses and needs of my children and work to resolve them. I wasn’t tuned in to do that early in my fatherhood. There were times when I should have asked a question of them and didn’t. There could have been a fear they had that I could have made go away. When they misbehaved I reacted but didn’t analyze. I never read a parenting book. How boring would that be when a Tom Clancy novel would take you away? Kathy was the main parent. I was her ‘relief pitcher’ in many ways.
The most important thing for a dad to do is to be there! Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I was there physically when I could be, but I think I could have done better mentally, listening more to them and less the Cardinal’s ball game, providing new experiences like fishing or camping. I had never had real conversations with my dad nor had he ever taken me fishing or camping. It was a big mistake for me to compare my fatherhood to his. Just being sober made me a better dad than mine.
I began to open my eyes to my responsibilities as a father more as they and I grew older. I stopped trying to fix my own demons, at least after I had killed a couple of them. That self-analysis took too much of my time and I had children to focus on. I had read a ton of self-help books and tried to pass on what I was learning from them to my kids, with my special take. I’d write things to them like “If you want this….you must do that”. I’d write corny, but philosophical things to them, hoping they would see the message decades ahead of when I did. I saw how a little encouragement would seem to be overlooked by my kids but knowing it really made an impact on all of them.
After they had grown, I saw how successful they were, mostly as human beings! Was it because of the support they got from their mother and me, or would they have been successful anyway? I know that I would never want to find out. Kids need support and guidance. And no matter how successful they appear to be, the amount of success or the ease of gaining that success is highly influenced by supportive parents.
So what is the message here? Focus, knowledge, and support! Focus on your kids. Be knowledgeable in how to raise them – together and individually. And show them support for all the good things they do or try to do! The impact of these things can never be measured but they will never be overestimated! Your family is your greatest investment opportunity. You pay for it with time. Don’t pass it up!
Being on alert meant being away from home for a week at a time. This was difficult on my wife, Kathy, because April had sleep issues and our families were an eighteen-hour drive away. When I came home, I would take April with me everywhere I went to give Kathy a break from her week alone as a solo parent. My assignment was at Ellsworth, AFB near Rapid City, South Dakota. At that time in the late 1970s, there was not much going on in Rapid City, a nice but smaller city, no malls at the time. I had to look for ways to entertain a toddler; and being cold for much of the year, we looked for places indoors. Our favorite spot to hang out was K-Mart. We would go there and walk the aisles with April on my shoulders or riding in a shopping cart. We’d look at shiny objects and maybe buy a couple things to not be kicked out for loitering. Often, it was incredibly boring but I never regretted spending time with April.
I left the Air Force with mixed emotions soon after Michael our second child was born. It was a poor decision professionally, especially for a guy that loved flying, but I thought a good decision for my family. I had never lived anywhere more than a year and I knew staying in the Air Force would not give me the roots I had always longed for. We moved back to St. Louis, bought a home, and I joined the Missouri Air National Guard full time, but reluctantly had to adjust to flying a desk and not an aircraft. That was tough for me, but we were home with family nearby and no more alert duty.
Remarkably, I spent less time with my two kids. I didn’t have those couple of days off after coming off alert. I worked a 40 plus hour week and many weekends due to military duty. I was using the GI bill taking Master’s classes and getting my commercial pilot’s license. All this was taking up time from my wife and kids.
Four more years and my last child was born, another daughter! I remember driving home from the hospital with my oldest two singing her name, R-A-C-H-E-L, to the tune of the “Farmer in the Dell”. We had the perfect little family and in my mind, I thought I was doing all the right stuff as a dad. I was earning a living allowing Kathy to be a full-time mom; something we both wanted. I did everything my dad never did. I supported my family financially. I went to the girl’s dance recitals. I even coached Michael’s baseball team for three years. Compared to my father, I deserved to be on the cover of “Fatherhood Superstars”! But there was so much I didn’t know. There was so much more to being a father.
What I didn’t do was to consciously notice the weaknesses and needs of my children and work to resolve them. I wasn’t tuned in to do that early in my fatherhood. There were times when I should have asked a question of them and didn’t. There could have been a fear they had that I could have made go away. When they misbehaved I reacted but didn’t analyze. I never read a parenting book. How boring would that be when a Tom Clancy novel would take you away? Kathy was the main parent. I was her ‘relief pitcher’ in many ways.
The most important thing for a dad to do is to be there! Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I was there physically when I could be, but I think I could have done better mentally, listening more to them and less the Cardinal’s ball game, providing new experiences like fishing or camping. I had never had real conversations with my dad nor had he ever taken me fishing or camping. It was a big mistake for me to compare my fatherhood to his. Just being sober made me a better dad than mine.
I began to open my eyes to my responsibilities as a father more as they and I grew older. I stopped trying to fix my own demons, at least after I had killed a couple of them. That self-analysis took too much of my time and I had children to focus on. I had read a ton of self-help books and tried to pass on what I was learning from them to my kids, with my special take. I’d write things to them like “If you want this….you must do that”. I’d write corny, but philosophical things to them, hoping they would see the message decades ahead of when I did. I saw how a little encouragement would seem to be overlooked by my kids but knowing it really made an impact on all of them.
After they had grown, I saw how successful they were, mostly as human beings! Was it because of the support they got from their mother and me, or would they have been successful anyway? I know that I would never want to find out. Kids need support and guidance. And no matter how successful they appear to be, the amount of success or the ease of gaining that success is highly influenced by supportive parents.
So what is the message here? Focus, knowledge, and support! Focus on your kids. Be knowledgeable in how to raise them – together and individually. And show them support for all the good things they do or try to do! The impact of these things can never be measured but they will never be overestimated! Your family is your greatest investment opportunity. You pay for it with time. Don’t pass it up!
