Babysitting my grand kids. What does being a father means to you? Your answers can be enlightening because they define your values in the world of fatherhood. It’s possible that you have never really thought it through. In Appendix B of my book “The Power of Dadhood” I have ‘A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist’ to help sort through the responsibilities and stages of fatherhood. The questions in this checklist will help gauge how you’re doing as a dad. Each year I share the Dad checklist and will do so next week in this blog.
Dad > Father
A father is a biological fact. Everyone of us has or had one. Unfortunately, a substantial percentage of children don’t have a dad. They may have a father who has deserted them or one nearby who is not engaged as a parent, but not a dad. Being a dad is a distinction a father earns. Too many men who have fathered children have not earned the title of ‘Dad’.
Below I will give my ideas about what being a father has meant and still means to me. I have the advantage of already raising three children who are now adults. Had I written my ideas on what fatherhood meant to me forty years ago, it would have looked nothing like what I have written. And that is why I write it here, for other fathers to consider and reflect upon, then to think what being a dad means to them.
We all have shortcomings; but if we make ourselves aware of them, we can become better dads. That’s all you can ask of yourself – to be caring, to be aware, and to try your best, always.
My View of ‘Dadhood’
Becoming a father changed me from looking inward to looking outward. I was now responsible for precious lives and would, therefore, be influencing future generations. My personal goals remained, but my priorities changed forever. I held my children when they were young, hugged them when they were older, and advised them as adults. I wanted to be a part of their lives as long as I could breathe and hoped they wanted that also. My wife and I had some sleepless nights, a few frazzled nerves, and more than a few moments of anger, but it was all part of loving, caring, and building character in our children.
Lessons were learned on both sides. I knew I would be a teacher, an example, and a mentor. But I also learned how to be manipulated, outsmarted, and tested. It was often difficult to know when lines were crossed, e.g., when were punishments too harsh? When was being soft okay? Did my children realize all discipline was out of love, even though they didn’t like it? I learned my actions spoke louder than my voice, and that you can’t hide anything from your kids. On the lighter side, I found out that Nick Jr. is not a kid at school.
I knew I must provide food, clothing, and shelter to my kids; but with experience and coaching from my wife, I learned I also owed them consistency in my behavior towards them. Consistency is essential in having rules and administering discipline, but disciplining your kids is not something you ever enjoy, making consistency tough. Children need to know what to expect, or they won’t know how to act or react. It’s good to explain why you didn’t enforce a rule on special occasions. But changing a routine now and then keeps them on their toes and makes life more interesting.
Being a father meant untold hours of attending dance recitals, coaching and watching ballgames, building Pinewood Derby cars and drinking tea in tiny plastic teacups. Instead of joining a gym, exercise came in the form of swinging kids around in circles until everyone was dizzy and exhausted or pulling a wagon full of kids up a hill. I did do my own thing once in a while. Being a dad is not a punishment but part of the balance in your life; a balance weighed towards your children. Sometimes, I would forget that.
I loved reading to my kids, but it was a challenge because I couldn’t stop yawning. But I did my best because they loved the stories, the cuddling, and the learning. Reading to young children is an absolute must. It sparks their curiosity, teaches cooperation, improves behavior, develops their imagination and language skills among so many other advantages. I tried to be expressive between my yawns to keep their interest. After a while, I could not miss a page or even a word because they would correct me on the spot.
When my kids became old enough to understand, I would show them how to do things around the house, especially my son because he showed interest. When I fixed a flat tire, I let them all watch if they wanted and narrated each step. My son, when he was about five years old, followed me around as I built a couple of rooms in our basement. Today, kids don’t know how to do much with their hands outside of double-thumb texting. It’s not all their fault. We, as parents, must engage them and inject new experiences in their lives. When a chain falls off a gear on their bike, let them figure it out – a least for a while. A little attention and encouragement go a long way.
Every challenge, correction, praising comment, and reward will take time but will result in children with character, accomplishments, and goals. My acquired wisdom, not complete but improved, is now applied to my grandchildren – who are the joys of my life! I plan on attending every special event they have, and ‘special’ means special to them! I love being there for them! And being there is a father’s and a grandfather’s greatest gift to his children/grandchildren.
Dad > Father
A father is a biological fact. Everyone of us has or had one. Unfortunately, a substantial percentage of children don’t have a dad. They may have a father who has deserted them or one nearby who is not engaged as a parent, but not a dad. Being a dad is a distinction a father earns. Too many men who have fathered children have not earned the title of ‘Dad’.
Below I will give my ideas about what being a father has meant and still means to me. I have the advantage of already raising three children who are now adults. Had I written my ideas on what fatherhood meant to me forty years ago, it would have looked nothing like what I have written. And that is why I write it here, for other fathers to consider and reflect upon, then to think what being a dad means to them.
We all have shortcomings; but if we make ourselves aware of them, we can become better dads. That’s all you can ask of yourself – to be caring, to be aware, and to try your best, always.
My View of ‘Dadhood’
Becoming a father changed me from looking inward to looking outward. I was now responsible for precious lives and would, therefore, be influencing future generations. My personal goals remained, but my priorities changed forever. I held my children when they were young, hugged them when they were older, and advised them as adults. I wanted to be a part of their lives as long as I could breathe and hoped they wanted that also. My wife and I had some sleepless nights, a few frazzled nerves, and more than a few moments of anger, but it was all part of loving, caring, and building character in our children.
Lessons were learned on both sides. I knew I would be a teacher, an example, and a mentor. But I also learned how to be manipulated, outsmarted, and tested. It was often difficult to know when lines were crossed, e.g., when were punishments too harsh? When was being soft okay? Did my children realize all discipline was out of love, even though they didn’t like it? I learned my actions spoke louder than my voice, and that you can’t hide anything from your kids. On the lighter side, I found out that Nick Jr. is not a kid at school.
I knew I must provide food, clothing, and shelter to my kids; but with experience and coaching from my wife, I learned I also owed them consistency in my behavior towards them. Consistency is essential in having rules and administering discipline, but disciplining your kids is not something you ever enjoy, making consistency tough. Children need to know what to expect, or they won’t know how to act or react. It’s good to explain why you didn’t enforce a rule on special occasions. But changing a routine now and then keeps them on their toes and makes life more interesting.
Being a father meant untold hours of attending dance recitals, coaching and watching ballgames, building Pinewood Derby cars and drinking tea in tiny plastic teacups. Instead of joining a gym, exercise came in the form of swinging kids around in circles until everyone was dizzy and exhausted or pulling a wagon full of kids up a hill. I did do my own thing once in a while. Being a dad is not a punishment but part of the balance in your life; a balance weighed towards your children. Sometimes, I would forget that.
I loved reading to my kids, but it was a challenge because I couldn’t stop yawning. But I did my best because they loved the stories, the cuddling, and the learning. Reading to young children is an absolute must. It sparks their curiosity, teaches cooperation, improves behavior, develops their imagination and language skills among so many other advantages. I tried to be expressive between my yawns to keep their interest. After a while, I could not miss a page or even a word because they would correct me on the spot.
When my kids became old enough to understand, I would show them how to do things around the house, especially my son because he showed interest. When I fixed a flat tire, I let them all watch if they wanted and narrated each step. My son, when he was about five years old, followed me around as I built a couple of rooms in our basement. Today, kids don’t know how to do much with their hands outside of double-thumb texting. It’s not all their fault. We, as parents, must engage them and inject new experiences in their lives. When a chain falls off a gear on their bike, let them figure it out – a least for a while. A little attention and encouragement go a long way.
Every challenge, correction, praising comment, and reward will take time but will result in children with character, accomplishments, and goals. My acquired wisdom, not complete but improved, is now applied to my grandchildren – who are the joys of my life! I plan on attending every special event they have, and ‘special’ means special to them! I love being there for them! And being there is a father’s and a grandfather’s greatest gift to his children/grandchildren.
