A father will influence how a son sees himself! “Manhood is mimesis. To be a man, a boy must see a man.”
--J. R. Moehringer, The Tender Bar
The relationship between a boy and his father is one of the most critical and complicated of all human undertakings. As is true with any parent-child relationship, it is a tipping point in the success of a life. If the relationship is good, then every potential that boy has is enhanced. If it is bad, then every potential is burdened. If there is no father in the life of a boy, his potential talents may never be noticed or explored.
A boy is always affected by his father, even if the boy never meets him. The boy wonders what his father is like; what would his father think of him; if still alive, why doesn’t he care? It’s not always a conscious thought, but it hangs over his head like a cloud. And because a boy not only needs, but wants, an example to follow, he will create one in his mind if one isn't there. This can be dangerous depending on what traits impress the boy. It’s important to note that one important role of a dad is to correct a son’s misperceptions about life and what makes a man.
In my book, “The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”, I wrote a passage entitled, “A Son is a Reflection of his Father’s Image”. In it, I use the metaphor of different types of mirrors to explain some of the relationship memes of fathers and their sons.
“Both sons and daughters need the love of their father. But what boys need that girls do not is an example of how to be male and eventually a man. A son reflects his father’s image in some way, whether it be good or bad.
Some fathers are like concave mirrors: their son’s reflection is concentrated into a single beam that says, “Be what I am, do what I do, think how I think; my way is the right way.” Other fathers are like convex mirrors that diffuse their son’s reflection and send one of these messages: “I don’t have time,” “I don’t care,” “I’ll get to it later,” or “You are on your own.” But the best fathers are what I would call ideal mirrors for their son’s image. They are perfect planes reflecting a true and unbiased image, a clear reflection where concern and caring are not reflected away nor are the father’s biases sharply focused. A son can see and know his true self with the help of his father. We men, we fathers and our sons, are never perfect.
We must be aware of our limitations and work to overcome them.
When the father isn’t present, the boy must find a fatherly image somewhere else, and perfect reflections are hard to find. Often a boy will see himself through influences such as gangs, which are like carnival mirrors where your image is severely twisted and contorted and not the true you. Neither can mothers be ideal mirrors for their sons. Those mirrors would be clouded and hazy. After all, mothers cannot reflect what it means to be a man.”
Summary
Being a father is more than bringing home the bacon. It is minimally the right thing to do unless you’re a stay-at-home dad. More than anything, you are a light that shines the way for your son(s). Be the man you would like your son to become. He is likely to follow your example before he follows your advice. His first instinct is to be like you. The day he stops - if he does - you will have lost his respect either by your actions or your inattention. Maybe worse than that, he will follow all your bad examples.
Research shows that without a doubt, fathers are an integral part of their sons' healthy emotional, physical, and cognitive growth from their first moments of life. Obviously, the mother is critical to a son’s care and their love is unlimited, but by far the most influential factor in a child's emotional health was how involved the father was in a child's care.
--J. R. Moehringer, The Tender Bar
The relationship between a boy and his father is one of the most critical and complicated of all human undertakings. As is true with any parent-child relationship, it is a tipping point in the success of a life. If the relationship is good, then every potential that boy has is enhanced. If it is bad, then every potential is burdened. If there is no father in the life of a boy, his potential talents may never be noticed or explored.
A boy is always affected by his father, even if the boy never meets him. The boy wonders what his father is like; what would his father think of him; if still alive, why doesn’t he care? It’s not always a conscious thought, but it hangs over his head like a cloud. And because a boy not only needs, but wants, an example to follow, he will create one in his mind if one isn't there. This can be dangerous depending on what traits impress the boy. It’s important to note that one important role of a dad is to correct a son’s misperceptions about life and what makes a man.
In my book, “The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”, I wrote a passage entitled, “A Son is a Reflection of his Father’s Image”. In it, I use the metaphor of different types of mirrors to explain some of the relationship memes of fathers and their sons.
“Both sons and daughters need the love of their father. But what boys need that girls do not is an example of how to be male and eventually a man. A son reflects his father’s image in some way, whether it be good or bad.
Some fathers are like concave mirrors: their son’s reflection is concentrated into a single beam that says, “Be what I am, do what I do, think how I think; my way is the right way.” Other fathers are like convex mirrors that diffuse their son’s reflection and send one of these messages: “I don’t have time,” “I don’t care,” “I’ll get to it later,” or “You are on your own.” But the best fathers are what I would call ideal mirrors for their son’s image. They are perfect planes reflecting a true and unbiased image, a clear reflection where concern and caring are not reflected away nor are the father’s biases sharply focused. A son can see and know his true self with the help of his father. We men, we fathers and our sons, are never perfect.
We must be aware of our limitations and work to overcome them.
When the father isn’t present, the boy must find a fatherly image somewhere else, and perfect reflections are hard to find. Often a boy will see himself through influences such as gangs, which are like carnival mirrors where your image is severely twisted and contorted and not the true you. Neither can mothers be ideal mirrors for their sons. Those mirrors would be clouded and hazy. After all, mothers cannot reflect what it means to be a man.”
Summary
Being a father is more than bringing home the bacon. It is minimally the right thing to do unless you’re a stay-at-home dad. More than anything, you are a light that shines the way for your son(s). Be the man you would like your son to become. He is likely to follow your example before he follows your advice. His first instinct is to be like you. The day he stops - if he does - you will have lost his respect either by your actions or your inattention. Maybe worse than that, he will follow all your bad examples.
Research shows that without a doubt, fathers are an integral part of their sons' healthy emotional, physical, and cognitive growth from their first moments of life. Obviously, the mother is critical to a son’s care and their love is unlimited, but by far the most influential factor in a child's emotional health was how involved the father was in a child's care.
