Sometimes the best advice comes from people who, in the past, failed to recognize the significance of the advice they now give. I definitely fall into the category of someone who only understood how helpful some life-skills are until many opportunities had passed him by.
One of the reasons I was a little slow to pick up some of these habits/life skills is because I had no male mentor to point them out to me. My father was not around much nor was he interested in parenting. I only visited my maternal grandfather twice that I can recall. My paternal grandfather died when I was two years old. My uncles were miles away and had their own families. We also moved quite often so I never got to know a neighbor or the father of a friend. My mom always had to work to support us and had little time to mentor six children. These circumstances were once a crutch until I picked up a few life-skills by reading and asking questions.
With this history I know, very well, the importance of an involved father or male mentor, especially a male mentor for a boy. Shockingly, up to a third of boys don’t have a father living at home. This is not to minimize the immeasurable value of a loving mother, but one’s balance will suffer without a concerned father.
Therefore, my message is twofold.
So the following are some life-skills I found over the years to be very useful for success and happiness that I wish had been emphasized to me as a boy.
1. Have Values That Guide You
What are values? These are principles by which to live and be guided. Like the rumble strips on the side of the highway that alert you, telling you are going astray, principles will pull you back on the path you have chosen. Usually, values involve ethics. When a boy has no responsible mentor, he learns from peers who are likely to be more interested in strength and showing off in order to establish rank. Ethics may even be considered a weakness. Alternately, he may withdraw into himself as I did, forsaking peers, having few social contacts, which may be worse.
Some values are born within naturally - others, must be taught. I was fortunate to have believed in hard work and commitment, but I was weak in courage and optimism. I could have used some advice and re-direction. When a boy doesn’t have a mature, responsible male to mentor him, he is left to the wolves – peers who don’t have his best interests in mind, or a misguided self-evaluation.
A person who understands having positive values to live by gains something invaluable…respect! Some values to consider as your core beliefs are: Dependability, Reliability, Loyalty, Commitment, Consistency, Honesty, Courage, Positive Attitude, Perseverance, and Respect for Others.
2. Be Honest Above All
Honesty may be the king of values! When your word cannot be trusted, you are powerless. I believe I was honest for the most part as a kid. I never stole and rarely lied. I did tell white lies when I did something I that I considered an embarrassment. But I never lied to get someone into trouble. I never took things that belonged to others. These values were fortunately born into my psyche and it helped me enormously.
A parent can tell if their child has tendencies to be dishonest. Any sign of this must be addressed immediately. But if no one corrects the child, small acts of dishonesty will likely grow deceptively into big acts of dishonesty - and a way of life. A lack of confidence by someone like this will almost require that person to cheat to succeed. One needs accomplishments to develop confidence. However, there will be no confidence when ‘accomplishments’ come through dishonest means.
My dishonesty was with myself. I didn’t give myself the benefit of the doubt when challenges were in my path. This made life more difficult than it had to be and I hoped others would bail me out. I was so wrong to think this way. It took away my own power.
3. Become and Be Social
Having friends and contacts are crucial to learning from others and developing a network that will open doors. Having friends also makes life more fun and interesting. With a father around, a boy can become more social with encouragement and advice. I’m much better at being social as an adult, but it continues to be something I make myself do, but not always comfortably. But being a social person really does help – if you choose the right people.
Social skills are where I failed miserably! I was a loner. I was scared of being rejected. My eventual friends always approached me. I never started a friendship on my own initiative. My lack of confidence and constant moves into new neighborhoods was a big factor. No one encouraged me to make friends and I needed the push.
4. Know the Difference between Good and Bad Peer Pressure
Closely related to being a socially adept person is how to deal with peer pressure. Peer pressure becomes very influential to young men who do not have a father. Not all peer pressure is bad. When surrounded with successful and talented people, peer pressure can be the spark to push one forward to compete! But peer pressure that comes from a group without values or proper leadership can be disastrous. This is very likely to happen to a young man who has not had proper mentoring. The odds of falling in with a group of streetwise ‘boy scouts’ is not likely.
I did not often succumb to negative peer pressure, maybe because of my shyness and self-imposed isolation, but many of my siblings did. I spent one evening with teens who delighted in smashing mailboxes and dumping over trashcans. I was very uncomfortable with this. I didn’t see the purpose nor did I feel rebellious against strangers. I never saw them again, even though I needed friends. Why I was adverse to hooliganism may have to do with things beyond honor or values, but my self-imposed values were part of it.
5. Know What Sunscreen is For!
Getting outside was not a problem when I was a kid. No video games, no smartphones, no cable TV, nothing much to keep a kid inside. Playing outside was a great pleasure. Benefits included fresh air, exercise, physical engagement, even physical confrontation in the form of wrestling and running. However, in today’s world, we often have to incentivize kids to get outside. If that doesn’t work parents need to force them outside, at least occasionally.
When a kid never focuses more than 20 inches from a screen, he misses so much that is real and natural. Get outside! Take photos! Travel! Participate in sports! Take walks! Look around! Notice nature! Exercise! Live like the previous hundreds of generations lived – in the sun, the rain, the cold, the heat, the breezes, and under the clouds. Know what sunscreen is for!
6. Never Blame Others for Your Plight
When I was young, and even into adulthood, I was pretty good at feeling sorry for myself. Why not? My dad was a raging alcoholic, we were poor, and we never lived anywhere more than a few months. My three brothers and two sisters wouldn’t listen to me (I was the oldest). Poor me! I knew how to be a victim. When you blame others for your situation you are giving in to it. “Oh, if people knew I was poor, they would feel sorry for me and make it all better”. Baloney! Only YOU can make it better.
Life is not fair and the sooner you realize that, the less anger you will feel when you end up not getting what you ‘think’ you deserve. You will be at a disadvantage sometimes, you will be cheated, and you will get into the line at the bank or grocery store that is the slowest. Don’t be caught up in anger but do what you can to change the circumstances, or just ‘bite the bullet’ and move on. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself disadvantaged again because you are not looking for the next opportunity.
Again, a dad will notice this tendency in his child and give a lecture similar to the one above. Hopefully, this child will then avoid all kinds of torment and missed opportunities while building true character!
7. Know What You Want and How to Get It
Without a goal, you are like a boat without a rudder. You may end up somewhere, but you likely won’t be happy about it. Without a plan, you will only get what you want by a tremendous amount of luck. The chances of that happening are nil and if it magically does come about, it is with no credit to yourself!
There is a method of getting what you want as I explained in my book, “The Power of Dadhood”. It consists of only four, but very important steps.
Without going into the details as I do in my book, understand that the steps are vitally important but not easy without a vision. This is another area where a father is so important. A dad can introduce his son (or daughter) to so many things from sports, to chess, to business. Visions are often introduced. My son became a pilot because of my experience as a pilot. A friend of mine became a park ranger because his dad took him camping and fishing where he found a love of the outdoors. A son of my sports-fanatic friend became a team trainer for a minor league baseball team. It’s obvious these young men were influenced by their fathers in a positive way, giving them a target. You can’t move forward until you know where you want to go.
Knowing what you want makes planning easier even if the steps are difficult. Secondly, getting past the tough parts of your plan is made much easier by having the right attitude. Never underestimate the power of ‘attitude’ and ‘perseverance’ – two of the values mentioned above.
Bonus Life-skill Advice
Read! Reading is something I didn’t do as a kid and I very much regret it! No one in my family read anything outside of ‘past due’ notices. I didn’t know the joy of reading because I only read things I had to read in school, which were not always interesting to me. Therefore, reading equaled boredom.
Learning to enjoy reading will come if you read about what you are interested in doing or being. In reading, you will also learn about values because values - or lack of them - make up every story. You will learn from tales of honesty and dishonesty and what becomes of those acts. You will learn to ignore peer-pressure by learning and doing what is right for you. You will learn the courage of self-responsibility. Finally, it will help you know yourself, allowing you to go after what you want. You will do well at what you like to do.
And yes, you can read outside!
Summary
Mentoring is sometimes so subtle you don’t realize it is happening. Just a dad being around, doing the right thing, and being noticed by his children is mentoring. What is not so subtle is the struggle of a kid without a mentor. Naturally, the best mentor for a child is a parent, but too often a father is missing, either physically or emotionally. Dads have no idea how important it is just to be there, both physically and emotionally! While many a fatherless child has become successful, many are not. Those that are successful have no idea how much more they could have accomplished if only they had the guidance they needed much earlier. Those that fail in society usually have not been taught the importance of life-skills and couldn’t overcome barriers that resulted. Let’s work together by being a family to keep that from happening!
As a father, never look for pats on the back for your good deeds as a dad. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Also, your kids may not notice how great you are because it is, thankfully, normal for them. Your reward will be the success of your children! It will be when they are grown that they will appreciate what you have done for them. So fathers, be dads; and kids without dads, find a champion.
Note: While I have emphasized a boy’s need for his father here. A daughter also needs to learn from her father in the same and sometimes subtly different ways. She needs to know how to be respected and treated by a man, how to set standards with others, as well as the life-skills discussed here.
One of the reasons I was a little slow to pick up some of these habits/life skills is because I had no male mentor to point them out to me. My father was not around much nor was he interested in parenting. I only visited my maternal grandfather twice that I can recall. My paternal grandfather died when I was two years old. My uncles were miles away and had their own families. We also moved quite often so I never got to know a neighbor or the father of a friend. My mom always had to work to support us and had little time to mentor six children. These circumstances were once a crutch until I picked up a few life-skills by reading and asking questions.
With this history I know, very well, the importance of an involved father or male mentor, especially a male mentor for a boy. Shockingly, up to a third of boys don’t have a father living at home. This is not to minimize the immeasurable value of a loving mother, but one’s balance will suffer without a concerned father.
Therefore, my message is twofold.
- To emphasize the needs of children - to learn the tools/skills necessary to be successful in life.
- To emphasize how important fathers are (or male mentors who can take their place) to their children to teach these tools/skills.
So the following are some life-skills I found over the years to be very useful for success and happiness that I wish had been emphasized to me as a boy.
1. Have Values That Guide You
What are values? These are principles by which to live and be guided. Like the rumble strips on the side of the highway that alert you, telling you are going astray, principles will pull you back on the path you have chosen. Usually, values involve ethics. When a boy has no responsible mentor, he learns from peers who are likely to be more interested in strength and showing off in order to establish rank. Ethics may even be considered a weakness. Alternately, he may withdraw into himself as I did, forsaking peers, having few social contacts, which may be worse.
Some values are born within naturally - others, must be taught. I was fortunate to have believed in hard work and commitment, but I was weak in courage and optimism. I could have used some advice and re-direction. When a boy doesn’t have a mature, responsible male to mentor him, he is left to the wolves – peers who don’t have his best interests in mind, or a misguided self-evaluation.
A person who understands having positive values to live by gains something invaluable…respect! Some values to consider as your core beliefs are: Dependability, Reliability, Loyalty, Commitment, Consistency, Honesty, Courage, Positive Attitude, Perseverance, and Respect for Others.
2. Be Honest Above All
Honesty may be the king of values! When your word cannot be trusted, you are powerless. I believe I was honest for the most part as a kid. I never stole and rarely lied. I did tell white lies when I did something I that I considered an embarrassment. But I never lied to get someone into trouble. I never took things that belonged to others. These values were fortunately born into my psyche and it helped me enormously.
A parent can tell if their child has tendencies to be dishonest. Any sign of this must be addressed immediately. But if no one corrects the child, small acts of dishonesty will likely grow deceptively into big acts of dishonesty - and a way of life. A lack of confidence by someone like this will almost require that person to cheat to succeed. One needs accomplishments to develop confidence. However, there will be no confidence when ‘accomplishments’ come through dishonest means.
My dishonesty was with myself. I didn’t give myself the benefit of the doubt when challenges were in my path. This made life more difficult than it had to be and I hoped others would bail me out. I was so wrong to think this way. It took away my own power.
3. Become and Be Social
Having friends and contacts are crucial to learning from others and developing a network that will open doors. Having friends also makes life more fun and interesting. With a father around, a boy can become more social with encouragement and advice. I’m much better at being social as an adult, but it continues to be something I make myself do, but not always comfortably. But being a social person really does help – if you choose the right people.
Social skills are where I failed miserably! I was a loner. I was scared of being rejected. My eventual friends always approached me. I never started a friendship on my own initiative. My lack of confidence and constant moves into new neighborhoods was a big factor. No one encouraged me to make friends and I needed the push.
4. Know the Difference between Good and Bad Peer Pressure
Closely related to being a socially adept person is how to deal with peer pressure. Peer pressure becomes very influential to young men who do not have a father. Not all peer pressure is bad. When surrounded with successful and talented people, peer pressure can be the spark to push one forward to compete! But peer pressure that comes from a group without values or proper leadership can be disastrous. This is very likely to happen to a young man who has not had proper mentoring. The odds of falling in with a group of streetwise ‘boy scouts’ is not likely.
I did not often succumb to negative peer pressure, maybe because of my shyness and self-imposed isolation, but many of my siblings did. I spent one evening with teens who delighted in smashing mailboxes and dumping over trashcans. I was very uncomfortable with this. I didn’t see the purpose nor did I feel rebellious against strangers. I never saw them again, even though I needed friends. Why I was adverse to hooliganism may have to do with things beyond honor or values, but my self-imposed values were part of it.
5. Know What Sunscreen is For!
Getting outside was not a problem when I was a kid. No video games, no smartphones, no cable TV, nothing much to keep a kid inside. Playing outside was a great pleasure. Benefits included fresh air, exercise, physical engagement, even physical confrontation in the form of wrestling and running. However, in today’s world, we often have to incentivize kids to get outside. If that doesn’t work parents need to force them outside, at least occasionally.
When a kid never focuses more than 20 inches from a screen, he misses so much that is real and natural. Get outside! Take photos! Travel! Participate in sports! Take walks! Look around! Notice nature! Exercise! Live like the previous hundreds of generations lived – in the sun, the rain, the cold, the heat, the breezes, and under the clouds. Know what sunscreen is for!
6. Never Blame Others for Your Plight
When I was young, and even into adulthood, I was pretty good at feeling sorry for myself. Why not? My dad was a raging alcoholic, we were poor, and we never lived anywhere more than a few months. My three brothers and two sisters wouldn’t listen to me (I was the oldest). Poor me! I knew how to be a victim. When you blame others for your situation you are giving in to it. “Oh, if people knew I was poor, they would feel sorry for me and make it all better”. Baloney! Only YOU can make it better.
Life is not fair and the sooner you realize that, the less anger you will feel when you end up not getting what you ‘think’ you deserve. You will be at a disadvantage sometimes, you will be cheated, and you will get into the line at the bank or grocery store that is the slowest. Don’t be caught up in anger but do what you can to change the circumstances, or just ‘bite the bullet’ and move on. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself disadvantaged again because you are not looking for the next opportunity.
Again, a dad will notice this tendency in his child and give a lecture similar to the one above. Hopefully, this child will then avoid all kinds of torment and missed opportunities while building true character!
7. Know What You Want and How to Get It
Without a goal, you are like a boat without a rudder. You may end up somewhere, but you likely won’t be happy about it. Without a plan, you will only get what you want by a tremendous amount of luck. The chances of that happening are nil and if it magically does come about, it is with no credit to yourself!
There is a method of getting what you want as I explained in my book, “The Power of Dadhood”. It consists of only four, but very important steps.
- Know yourself well. Know and accept your desires and capabilities.
- Decide clearly and honestly where you want to go (or be).
- Develop a plan to get there.
- Have the right attitude to keep your plan in action.
Without going into the details as I do in my book, understand that the steps are vitally important but not easy without a vision. This is another area where a father is so important. A dad can introduce his son (or daughter) to so many things from sports, to chess, to business. Visions are often introduced. My son became a pilot because of my experience as a pilot. A friend of mine became a park ranger because his dad took him camping and fishing where he found a love of the outdoors. A son of my sports-fanatic friend became a team trainer for a minor league baseball team. It’s obvious these young men were influenced by their fathers in a positive way, giving them a target. You can’t move forward until you know where you want to go.
Knowing what you want makes planning easier even if the steps are difficult. Secondly, getting past the tough parts of your plan is made much easier by having the right attitude. Never underestimate the power of ‘attitude’ and ‘perseverance’ – two of the values mentioned above.
Bonus Life-skill Advice
Read! Reading is something I didn’t do as a kid and I very much regret it! No one in my family read anything outside of ‘past due’ notices. I didn’t know the joy of reading because I only read things I had to read in school, which were not always interesting to me. Therefore, reading equaled boredom.
Learning to enjoy reading will come if you read about what you are interested in doing or being. In reading, you will also learn about values because values - or lack of them - make up every story. You will learn from tales of honesty and dishonesty and what becomes of those acts. You will learn to ignore peer-pressure by learning and doing what is right for you. You will learn the courage of self-responsibility. Finally, it will help you know yourself, allowing you to go after what you want. You will do well at what you like to do.
And yes, you can read outside!
Summary
Mentoring is sometimes so subtle you don’t realize it is happening. Just a dad being around, doing the right thing, and being noticed by his children is mentoring. What is not so subtle is the struggle of a kid without a mentor. Naturally, the best mentor for a child is a parent, but too often a father is missing, either physically or emotionally. Dads have no idea how important it is just to be there, both physically and emotionally! While many a fatherless child has become successful, many are not. Those that are successful have no idea how much more they could have accomplished if only they had the guidance they needed much earlier. Those that fail in society usually have not been taught the importance of life-skills and couldn’t overcome barriers that resulted. Let’s work together by being a family to keep that from happening!
As a father, never look for pats on the back for your good deeds as a dad. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Also, your kids may not notice how great you are because it is, thankfully, normal for them. Your reward will be the success of your children! It will be when they are grown that they will appreciate what you have done for them. So fathers, be dads; and kids without dads, find a champion.
Note: While I have emphasized a boy’s need for his father here. A daughter also needs to learn from her father in the same and sometimes subtly different ways. She needs to know how to be respected and treated by a man, how to set standards with others, as well as the life-skills discussed here.
