Helping Fathers Become Dads - MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood

About This Book, Not About Prague

11/4/2019

Prague, Czech Republic, by the author

In the five to six years I have been blogging my thoughts on fatherhood, I have not missed one week of publishing something. Even though I am on vacation, I cannot bring myself to miss a week now. So, I’m sitting in a hotel in Prague, exhausted from travel and touring, thinking of something easy but useful to pass on. So here it is. It’s about my book, The Power of Dadhood. Please buy it, share it, borrow it, gift it - but, most importantly, read it if you are a Dad! I guarantee you will find at least a morsel that will help you to help your children. What’s more important?

PS. Prague is a great city to visit.

The Power of Dadhood

This is a mentoring book. It mentors men who are fathers, especially young fathers, and fathers-to-be. Mentors are not necessarily experts, but they’ve been there before. They can give you some tips on what works and what doesn’t work. While some men thrive naturally as fathers, there are too many who don’t, and the results can be disastrous. We must not judge these men because we don’t know what they’ve been through, how they were raised, or how they see things as a unique personality. But they could use a mentor, especially if their father was not there for them. As I was growing up, I felt the need for a dad in my life and the lives of my siblings. Our father was often absent or unreachable, whether away from home or in the next room. At an early age, I became determined to create myself as a real dad—one who provides his children with love, interaction, mentoring, and discipline—not a father who contributes only DNA. I have gathered in this book my experiences and thoughts, the thoughts of others, and the personal stories of friends and family so that men young or not so young can move themselves beyond fatherhood to the irreplaceable state of Dadhood.

Throughout this book, I capitalize the D in Dad to emphasize the difference between merely being a biological father and achieving the ideal of being a wonderful, loving, and involved Dad. Please be aware that it is NEVER too late to become a capital D Dad, and that your relationship with your kids will be better, stronger, and healthier when you show you care, whether your kids are infants, children, teenagers, or adults.

As you travel the road from fatherhood to Dadhood through the pages of this book, I will guide you to stop along the way and assess where you are. It’s not a matter of flying a supersonic jet to travel from fatherhood to the state of Dad. It is a steady, intentional, mile-by-mile, where-the-rubber-meets-the-road process that can move any man from any background to the consequential and fulfilling state of Dadhood (and Granddadhood). And when you take this road, you are making society better, one child at a time.

Thank you!
Mike

Balance: Underappreciated and Overlooked

10/20/2019

Photo by author

“I never thought what my philosophy is, but it has to be balance in everything you do.”
—Abdullah A. Badawi

Balance is one of the secrets to a productive life in my opinion. Balance is the characteristic that allows exploration to the limits of one’s ability with the capacity to recover. It’s also a rule which says ‘you don’t get something for nothing’. To enjoy, succeed, learn, or control, you must suffer, earn, listen, and plan. Expanding on this notion, you will find a list of desires, and what you must do to earn them, below.

A parent must find a way to be an expert in balance. When to be tender and when to be authoritative, when to help and when not to, when to talk and when to listen, are all decisions parents make every day. When you have more than one child, another sort of balance is necessary.

From “The Power of Dadhood”

“Whereas a bold son or daughter may need to be reeled in a bit, a mild-mannered child may need a push toward adventure. We as parents, and especially fathers, provide the counterbalance to what we perceive is a child’s tendency toward adventurous behavior or meekness. It is not unusual to have one child who has to be talked into things and another who needs to be talked out of things. Spare judgment on either and be careful not to compare…."

Success can be easily identified in a narrow area like sports or academic achievement, but it can be very vague as it applies to the whole person. Rarely can an ability in one area make up for deficiencies in others. For example, if you are good at making money but bad at handing it, there will be issues. If you are intelligent but have no people skills, good ideas may be lost.

Another area of balance that is so important is the yin and yang of a mother and a father. The skills of each may overlap in some areas, but a mother can make up for the skills a father lacks, and vice versa. And each family has differing degrees of diversity and cooperation within. The goal should be to balance the two. Too much cooperation among each other can be smothering and limiting, too much diversity in lifestyle and personality can create chaos. However, a good balance of diversity and cooperation will allow families to thrive.

Summary

Again, from “The Power of Dadhood”:

Be Balanced……Be involved but not too involved. Be principled but don’t be preachy. Be consistent but not inflexible. Be loving, but don’t be a pushover. Be fun but be respected. Know your own limits. You cannot be consistent if you don’t have principles. You can’t be loving or fun if you are not involved.

Balance in your life home and away.

If you want to Learn, you must listen.
If you want Growth, you must take risks.
If you want Responsibility, you must be responsible.
If you want Commitment, you must be involved.
If you want Achievement, you must have goals.
If you want Success, you must have persistence.
If you want Control, you must plan.
If you want Rewards, you must provide effort.
If you want to Be Liked, you must like yourself.
If you want Love, you must be patient.
If you want a Challenge, you must dare to improve

Help is not always Good; Limitations are not always Bad!

10/14/2019

When we have kids, we want them to be happy and prosperous. That’s a wonderful goal, but the problem is how to go about that. Some parents grease the skids for their children, thinking it will make success more likely for them. Other parents want their children to succeed but don’t do much to make that happen, either by choice (usually unconsciously) or inability in terms of time or money. A complication to all this question of nurturing is the variation in personalities. Some kids need a kick in the rear, some need simple encouragement, and others are a real challenge.

In my book, The Power of Dadhood, I bring up a question that you should ask yourself before you decide whether or not to help your child in any endeavor. It doesn’t matter if they are a toddler or an adult. The question is this, “Will your help make them stronger or weaker”? I ask this is because both are possible. One attains strength in the face of resistance. Helping too much at the wrong time will rob them of the resistance they need to overcome an obstacle and, therefore, rob them of attainable strength.

On the other hand, not helping enough can rob them of an opportunity to meet a resistance in the first place. The factor is often fear! Fears, unaddressed, can be fatal to success and happiness. Holding a child’s hand, either literally or figuratively, can be the help that will make them stronger by assisting them in conquering a particular fear. This help is accomplished with small, carefully managed, chunks of exposure.

As a child, I had a fear of people. This fear wasn’t actually of people, but the fear of not being accepted by people. I could have easily defeated my fear with exposure, but without exposure there would be no victory over this fear. Because I faced this fear alone, it took years to overcome. Help from a mentor would have made me stronger in this example, not weaker.

To those who grease the skids for kids, I say this. Would anyone be happy without some limitations? Of course, we don’t necessarily want limitations, and any worthwhile individual will work to remove them. But if we have nothing to challenge us, it is as if we were in a utopia. My dictionary defines ‘utopia’ as an ideal place or state. What is more ideal than having no limitations?

My answer to the above question is this - ‘having limitations’ is more ideal! Happiness is tough to define or even achieve. What can be done to work around the notion of happiness is to have a challenge or responsibility. Having a mission in life will give one focus. The best purposes in life are those that confront limitations. Defeating limitations is a pathway to self-respect if not happiness. Don’t take away the challenge of a limitation when your child can beat it on his or her terms.

Summary

Helping someone is good or bad, depending on when and how one carries it out. Limitations are useful when you can rally to defeat them. Parents are good-to-awesome when they can judge what their children need and let then find it themselves whenever possible. But parents also need to be there to catch a child in a fall and provide assistance to get them back on track. It takes a lot of thought to be a good parent. Having an idea of when helping a child will make them stronger or weaker is vital.

Do You Have a Hero?

10/7/2019

The children of the military are Little Patriots that serve our country through their parents.

I’ve thought about who may be the most positive person involved in my youth, a mentor who encouraged me, or was an example of the kind of person I want to be. Unfortunately, that person wasn’t in my immediate family. My mom came the closest because she did inspire and praise me in my efforts to get an education and the life I wanted. But my mom could not be a male role model, nor was she going in a direction that I would ever want to follow. My Uncle Bob, a wonderful man, could have been that person, but he lived in Oregon, and I only knew him when I lived there a few months as a young boy. Undoubtedly, I had teachers that I could have been role models, but I never knew them long enough to follow their lead or heed their advice.

Mentors are people that teach by example. We all need mentors as we grow through different stages of life, but especially when we are young. Children aren’t good judges of their mentors; therefore, they may follow any example, good or bad. My father was absent most of my life, and when he was around, he was typically drunk and an embarrassment. It’s a shame because my father, when sober, was quite interesting, smart, and a gentleman. But the moments where I looked upon my dad as someone to admire was shattered continuously by the drunk he could become and did become over and over again.

My substitute hero became the actor, Jimmy Stewart. I’m not sure what it was that first attracted me to Mr. Stewart. I think it may have been a common interest we had in aviation. That interest was key in his acceptance of movie roles like “The Spirit of St. Louis” and “Strategic Air Command.” He also played George Bailey in my favorite movie of all time, “It’s A Wonderful Life”. As I watched him in these and other movies, I became enamored by the type of characters he played. Typically, he was honorable, shy, and did the right thing. I dreamed of being like the characters he played in the movies, and even more importantly, the man he was in real life!

James Stewart was a real-life pilot in the Army Air Corps/U.S. Air Force and insisted on going into combat when he could have made recruiting films. Returning from the war in late 1945, Mr. Stewart insisted that his military exploits, which included many combat missions and numerous decorations, not be publicized. I was impressed by that kind of humility. You would have to look far and wide and still not find anyone who would say anything disparaging about him. Once he married, later than most, he remained faithful although admired by many of his female co-stars.

Once, on a business trip to Los Angeles, I drove by the house he lived in for years. Unlike the big mansions behind gates and hidden by vegetation where most stars lived, Jimmy Stewart’s home was on a typical street in Beverly Hills, accessible by anyone who would have walked up to the door. Yes, his was the model I wanted to follow, big shoes to fill for sure, but I loved the challenge.

A disadvantage of having a distant hero is the inability to ask questions or to be reassured when doubts arise. But having someone to look up to, to imagine what your hero would do, is a comfort and a direction in which to look.

Where to find them?

The idea of a substitute father/hero is a good one, but it comes with the danger of misplacing one’s trust with someone whose values are not the best or don’t gel with your personality and goals. Misplaced trust happens too often with young men without boundaries. For instance, joining a gang is often how a young man chooses to belong, emulating the behavior of the men in that gang, most of whom are barely older and have the same identity issues. Sometimes boys in a father-deprived situation like I was look up to hyper-masculine movie heroes who mislead them about real life and being a man.

A wonderful place to go to find a substitute hero is Big Brothers (now called ‘Big Brothers, Big Sisters’), an organization I volunteered for while I was in the Air Force. Their Mission is to ‘provide children facing adversity with strong and enduring, professionally supported one-to-one relationships that change their lives for the better, forever’.

The young man for whom I was a Big Brother was nine years old, had long hair, and very quiet. We went fishing, bowling, and to the movies. I went to his ballgames and bought him ice cream. We talked as much as I could get him to talk. I did the things I wish my father had done. While I was a young mid-twenties male with self-confidence issues myself, to him, I was a successful jet pilot in the U.S. Air Force. Did he seem impressed? Not really, he didn’t even ask me about flying. But that was not why I was there. I was there to show him he was important and spending time with him proved that. I let him know my dad was not there for me, just like his dad wasn’t there for him. And I became what I wanted to be . . . just like he could become what he wanted to be.

Summary

The power of example is an awesome one. We can’t let young men stumble into the wrong places to find their models. Boys thrive on the ideals of service and sacrifice when they have the right examples to follow. I challenge all men to be available to boys who need guidance and encouragement. Young people are our most precious resource, and we must protect our future.

Escape through Planning, A Short Story

9/30/2019

Author around 6 yrs

Sometimes we feel trapped. Trapped by circumstances that make us feel weak and frustrated. This challenge is true for parents and their children. The first step necessary to escape from this feeling or circumstance is to have a goal, something for which to strive. Usually, a goal involves a specific desired situation, but sometimes a goal is just relief.

To escape any situation or to move to a better situation, you must have a plan. A convict who wants to escape from prison studies guard schedules, finds or fabricates tools, coordinates with outside forces, creates trusts, any myriad of things to find the plan the will best work to escape. But without a plan that continues after the escape, he will end up right back in prison.

Escape from my childhood chaos eventually became a reality because I had a plan. I didn’t consciously say to myself, “I need a plan”, but fortunately I had a broad, loose plan that worked. Basically, the unconscious plan was, ‘you become what you think about’, and with those thoughts, you hope you are helped by providence to do the things that will get you there. Outside of that, I had no real plan nor did I understand its significance, but before a plan there must be a goal. Escape, as it inspired the convict, in itself is a goal! And a darned good one because escape infers you are someplace you don’t want to be.

In my book, ‘The Power of Dadhood’, I wrote about four steps to reach a goal.

Know yourself well. Know and accept your desires and capabilities.
Decide clearly and honestly where you want to go.
Develop a plan to get there.
Have the right attitude to keep your plan in action.

Expanding on the above:

It’s essential to know yourself well! That means not overstating or understating your abilities. You’re not going to be an astronaut if you have bad eyesight, nor will you be an astronaut if you think you are not astronaut material (even if you are).
Deciding where you want to go is the goal. As stated, it must be clear and an honest desire. Without those qualities, you are very unlikely to reach that goal.
Planning is where most people fail. They want but don’t act. They act but act inconsistently or in the wrong direction. Or they act in the right direction but give up at the first failure. All plans must have room for failure baked in. Actions include reactions - positive reactions!
Attitude is the force the pushes the plan through. It is the reaction that overcomes failure. If you lose a positive attitude, you lose….period.

A Short Story of Escape

In my transition from a meek, nervous kid, to an officer flying jet aircraft for the US Air Force, I loosely employed every step above. By loosely, I mean I didn’t know these things when I was a kid. No one had taught me these things.

I did not know myself well. I undervalued myself immensely. But I did have a burning desire.
Here I was strong. I knew clearly and honestly, where I wanted to go. I wanted to be a pilot!
I had no plan. I had no idea how I was going to become a pilot. What I did have were two things that served as my plan for many years. I thought about it all the time. And I think ‘you become what you think about’. Secondly, I did my best in school. It was the only thing I had control over – and it served me well.
Attitude – I didn’t have the best attitude because I was so unsure of myself. But attitude comes in many forms. My attitude was fueled by my desire. Desire pushed me forward, but it did not fill me with confidence. That made it a difficult journey. Nevertheless, my schooling kept my plan in action until help arrived. Magically, support seems to arrive to help anyone who works towards a reasonable goal with determination and demonstrated effort and unending desire. My help came in the form of an academic scholarship to college. The scholarship allowed me to join Air Force ROTC, then the Air Force, then USAF Undergraduate Pilot Training. I got the wings I had dreamed of as a little boy.

Summary
I was very fortunate to reach my goal. It all could have been so much easier, and I may have gone further had I had help and direction. My father was absent by choice, and my mother was absent by necessity. The good fortune of having a goal made my escape successful. And, speaking of goals, the goal of this article is to make parents aware that they can teach their children helping them to help themselves. Any child that can understand and follow the advice above will surely have a force behind them. Not only a force of knowledge, but the resources of caring parents.

Author at 23 yrs

Don’t Miss a Chance to Say You’re Sorry

9/23/2019

How many times have you heard a parent tell their child to say sorry to someone? Yet, how often do parents say sorry to anyone? I admit that I need to practice what I am about to write as much as anyone and more than others. But I think everyone has had difficulties in this area at one time or another. One of the most challenging things for any of us to do is to say, "I'm sorry", and to say it honestly. The reasons this is difficult are many!

Maybe you don't think you were, or are, wrong
Perhaps you are angry enough not to care
It could be you are embarrassed
You don't want to open old wounds or possible ignite a renewed argument
Maybe you don't know how to say the words

Yes, the excuses are numerous. What we don't do is consider the positive aspects of saying, "I'm sorry", and there are many.

Often, a weight is lifted allowing you to move on
Your admission is a real sign of maturity
It takes away someone's anger towards you
It will enable openings for those you say sorry to you, returning the courtesy by your example
Even if you aren’t sure you were wrong, saying sorry conveys that you don't think a particular issue is worth having hard feelings

Perhaps one of the reasons adults have a problem with saying they are sorry is because they never learned how or why to do so as children. Sure, when a child does something inappropriate to another, parents will tell them to "say you’re sorry", and most of the time their child will. Young children want to get out of trouble; they aren’t concerned about a weight being lifted and are not apt to act maturely, therefore, they need a nudge. As adults, we need to forget our childish ways and weigh the situation, apologizing if appropriate. But that doesn’t mean we should always apologize, because there are good reasons not to do so. For instance,

An apology is not in order when no wrong has taken place, even if someone else thinks so
A weak apology is like no apology
An insincere apology for deception is unethical and harmful

In a sappy movie from my youth, there was a line, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I never knew what that was supposed to mean. To me, love means saying you’re sorry, especially when you love someone you may have hurt. One of the most underused communication tools of mankind! Having said all this, I know I may pass up opportunities to say I’m sorry when I should. I’ve been there, and so have you. It is difficult. Maybe, however, having thought about it and writing it down means there is a better chance I will do the right thing in the future. I hope so! I know one thing, I’m not sorry for writing this, even if I fail sometimes because I may fail less.

#Powerofdadhood #HelpingFatherstobeDads

The Bad News is that Good News is Largely Ignored

9/16/2019

When I was a kid, I had two significant concerns outside of my personal life. One was nuclear war, a very possible event that thankfully never occurred. The other was the over-population and starvation of the world. That never happened either. (In fact, many of us aren’t even replacing ourselves) There was nothing I could do about either situation that would have made an iota of difference. Nevertheless, there were some sleepless nights. Those nights could have been more enjoyable.

Whenever a fear is wiped away from our collective consciousness, it leaves a vacuum so strong that it sucks another fear in so fast, you can’t even breathe a sigh of relief. But the fear and worry are so much worse than when I was a kid because of the onslaught of over-coverage regarding every bad thing that ever happens in any corner of the world. Communication is at lightning speed, and things we think are true are reported as true before confirmation. Every story becomes magnified by the lens of social media. This focus drives us to worry, stress out, live in fear, overprotect our kids, and be paranoid. Overprotection of your kids may make them one part safer but may also mess them up.

Here are some facts that don’t get the attention that racism, gender identity issues, global warming, drug use, greed, crime, and starvation receive. Bad news seems to be more interesting to some and more useful for others.

Really Good News we rarely hear

Greenery on the earth has increased by twice the size of the US in the last 15-20 years.
The child mortality rate in Africa is equal to what it was in Europe in 1950. And countries in Sub Saharan African have some of the fastest-growing economies in the world because of access to information and better governments.
The poverty rate in the world is decreasing. Today, about 10% of the world population lives in extreme poverty, while in 1990 the corresponding figure was about 37%. Two centuries ago almost everyone in the world lived in extreme poverty. By 2030, hopefully, no one living is expected to be living below the current poverty level.
At the dawn of the new millennium, the United Nations set a goal of eradicating poverty by 2030. With 14 years left to go, we’ve already reduced the proportion of impoverished people in world by 50 percent, according to U.S. Agency for International Development Administrator Gayle Smith.
Medical advances are astounding!
World illiteracy continues to decline dramatically.
Violent crime in the US is declining despite perceptions.
The global maternal death ratio fell by 44 percent between 1990 and 2015.
Cell phone use and therefore, communication and progress is exploding around the world.

Summary

You will find no claims from me that serious problems don’t exist in the world. But as the Buddhists and many psychologists say, the world is full of suffering, and it’s up to each of us to fight it. And if you don’t buy into suffering, you can buy into really tough challenges. And confront those challenges we have! The rate of improvement has been slow, but it is increasing rapidly! No matter, each of us has it better by far than anyone in our relative situation of the past! Almost all of us live better than the royalty of the past. Be thankful for that! And don’t put fears into your children about things they can do little or nothing to fix. They’ll get enough of that at school. Give them hope!

A Manifesto on Citizenship for Our Youth

9/9/2019

In a way, being born in the US is dangerous to your psyche. No, I’m not talking about the seven counties in the US where 90% of murders take place. (Studies show how murders in the United States are heavily concentrated in very small areas. Few appreciate how much of the US has no murders each year. Murder isn’t a nationwide problem. It’s a problem in a very small set of urban areas, and any solution must reduce those murders. Most of us are safe!) Nor am I talking about the San Andres Fault in the West, Tornado Alley of the Mid-West, or the Hurricanes on the East Coast. No, I’m talking about the virtual smugness of those citizens who do not know they are among the .0000001 percent (chose your number of leading zeroes) of the most fortunate of ALL the lives of previous generations in history - to now be living in today’s World and especially in the United States of America.

The danger lies in an inherited lack of appreciation (sometimes taught) of the good the United States and the World have painstakingly brought to all of us. It seems many, especially our youth, focus on our evils, past and present – and indeed they exist. We should never stop trying to make both our World and the US better - there is much work to do! But we need discovery and understanding of the past, and more balance in our views, before sounding off uninformed or too critical of the opinions of others.

In the Shoes of Others

It’s not just complacency that takes place in many of us; it extends into a lack of appreciation for the battles, verbal and physical, that influential citizens of the past have taken on at great expense to get to our standard of living today. A great number of young people believe that America is evil because we once had slavery. Yes, slavery is awful and good citizens fought to rid us of that terrible injustice with great sacrifice. Some say we are a terrible country for not allowing women to vote until a few decades ago. True! Good citizens marched and got that changed. Or maybe we are an evil country for getting involved in the affairs of other countries - even when invited. Many mistakes occurred in this area, yet what would the world be like if China or Russia were the most powerful nation in the world? I believe that when the US made mistakes or had bad policies as a country, they were just that, not a means to take over the world. Where, after all, have we stayed to rule? Not Germany, Japan, Viet Nam, Iraq, etc.

My point is the self-righteousness of those who forget what our ancestors have overcome. It’s straightforward, today, to say women should have the right to vote. It was not so easy at the turn of the century for reasons of historical factors and the traditions of the day. To end slavery, hundreds of thousands had to die, mostly those not under bondage of slavery. Think twice if you think we, in this softer generation, could have done better or got it done faster.

Think Before You Drink the Kool-Aid

I may be confusing you. On the one hand, I’m saying we don’t appreciate what the citizens of the past have done to overcome certain inequities. That’s true! On the other hand, I’m implying that our citizens of today should hesitate before fighting real and perceived injustices. Of course we should fight, as others before us have! But understand first the 'what and why'. What are the injustices? Some are well worth the fight; others we perceive in the light of rabble-rousing or are very low in comparative importance. I can only have my own opinion, and you should have yours – not someone else’s. If you are right-leaning or left-leaning, you will find many on the opposite end of your ideals. Most of the time their views are honestly held.

Here’s the thing! Study before you come to an opinion. Think before you act. Give before you take. Understand before you criticize. Don’t assume. Think about your opposition’s reasoning. Yes you can disagree, but maybe you will have a modicum of understanding for what brought them to their position. Here’s an extreme, perhaps an unpopular, example.

An Islamic terrorist does not see him or herself as a terrorist. In their minds, they are a champion for Allah. And that ‘fable’ (my strong opinion) of 72 virgins at your service upon self-sacrifice is exciting at the least. This conviction is what these people are taught and believe from birth by people they love and trust. We are fighting their beliefs, not so much them.

Another consideration is personality attributes of which there are many. Some of us are agreeable, and some are not. Some of us are conscientious while others are more creative. Some believe in self-responsibility because that’s in their social DNA. They don’t understand people who seemingly don’t care for themselves. Others want to help everyone, even those who won’t help themselves. So, if one person believes in giving to the homeless, and others don’t, it’s not a matter of being right or wrong, it’s often a matter of your personality and background. It takes much convincing to change your beliefs on victimhood, the evils of society, or conservative/progressive thought in general.

Young adults put too much faith in listening to those around them before they think for themselves. Places this happens are the home, churches, mosques, temples, military, schools, and universities. Even those in gangs allow the gang to think for them. How many of these places teach you to think for yourself? Not many. It takes time and experience to shake the beliefs of others that aren’t indeed your own. Again, the intentions of these groups are usually excellent and not intentionally bad, but it is worthwhile to look with a critical eye and ask many questions with an open and judging mind.

We are always correct in our minds. We can’t always trust our thoughts or judgments. For instance, there is a major political issue about which I have changed my opinion. My old opinion made so much sense until I talked to a friend with a different view. His explanation made more sense to me than the reactive idea I had before. I’ve had other discussions where my mind was not changed. These discussions are valuable because many factors are considered, leading one to more or less faith in their stance. That is important!

Principles

As previously mentioned, don’t take until you’ve provided. When you are very young, most of your thoughts, lifestyle, and beliefs and been provided to you. To spout those things forward is not credible until you have thought for yourself, supported your own lifestyle, and have your rationalized reasoning for your beliefs. Learn by doing, volunteering, giving back, reading history, understanding people and personality. Spend a year working before going to college. Live by your self-provided means. Support your country through community volunteering or the military. If you go to college, go to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer, architect, scientist, teacher, etc. These are things that require further education. You can learn most other topics, not all of course, on your own – and save tons of money! If you go college to be an artist, dancer, social worker, activist, or actor, then consider these to be gifts to society. We need these people and should support them and enjoy them. It’s usually not, however, a way to earn a comfortable living. Know that! Make your choices with targets for which you are aiming your life.

Summary

Study before you come to an opinion. Think before you act. Understand before you criticize. Don’t assume. As an adult, don’t ‘take’ until you’ve ‘provided’. If you still ‘take’ and you are 26 years of age, you are still a child. It’s not all about YOU. When you understand that, YOU will like yourself more, as will others. These are ideals I hope my children learned from me. I already know one or two have a few differing opinions than me and that is a good sign.

If you agree with these words, do so because you came to your thought-out conclusion. If you don’t, here’s your chance to give these words consideration, at the least - or argue your point.

PS. Next week I will put forth some substantial proof of how much better off we are than our ancestors, even our parents.

Why Fathers Need a Sense of Humor

9/2/2019

A Lake Michigan Sunset

Fathers are parents too. They are just as important as mothers to the welfare of their children. However, being respected as a parent can be more difficult for fathers. There are factors such as unfair assumptions, time available, lack of mentoring, lack of opportunity, and personality that have caused some of these difficulties. Whereas the previous sentence can apply to women in the workforce, it is true for men in the family.

Married men and/or fathers take a beating in many circles. Not that men don’t deserve some of it, but I will explain. Before I begin, this is not going to be an anti-woman stance. I don’t push feminist doctrine, but I am very pro-woman. Most of the important people in my life are females. They raised me, they comforted me, and have given me great joy. In short, I very much respect women. On the other hand, when I have had trouble, most of it came from, or because of, men. That’s just me, not everyone. However, men often get what we used to say when I was a kid, “the short end of the stick” when family issues are discussed. Oftentimes, men are ridiculed in ways women would never be. Yes, there are blond jokes. But we don’t really assume someone is dumb just because they are blond - not anyone with a lick of sense, and they are rarely our moms.

TV Shows

In family oriented TV shows, for instance, men are shown to be idiots, buffoons, lazy, and/or self-centered. ‘Everyone Loves Raymond” is a classic example, as is “Homer Simpson”, “Two and a Half Men”, “Bob’s Burgers”, and “Married…with Children”. I enjoyed all these programs and wonder if they would have been successful if it had been focused on the shortcomings or buffoonery of women. The one TV program that came close to this was from the 1950’s, “I Love Lucy”. Lucy, however, was much more loveable than Raymond or Al Bundy, in my opinion.

Commercials

In commercials, it’s men who are always being rescued by their wives, daughters, or moms. In “The Boy Crisis”, author Warren Farrell states, “…virtually 100 percent of TV ads that portray only one sex as a jerk portray the man as the jerk.” A 2016 Super Bowl commercial shows a dad distracted with his Doritos while a female doctor and mom look at the ultrasound of their child as they wonder how they put up with his behavior. Any commercial that would belittle the skills or knowledge of a woman like this would never make it on TV. I understand this. Women are the main consumers of TV products so it works to downplay the attributes of men.

Does it bother me that men are often belittled on TV programs and commercials? No. I can take it and smile. Few men complain about how they are portrayed. But it doesn’t help young men who watch these commercials and assume their dads are like this. What does bother me is the wrath that would exist if it were the other way around. I’m very happy it isn’t the other way around, i.e. men being the smart ones, men showing women which water filter is best. It would make me cringe a bit. Men and women, as groups have their strengths and weaknesses. We should recognize that but not be married to the notion either of us are helpless. All of us can find instances, no matter our sex, when we are in need of help.

Family Heroes

When discussing their lives in speeches, most speakers credit their mothers as the backbone of their family. It was factually true in my upbringing that my mother was our backbone, as is true in many other families. However, the truth of the matter is most families had a backbone of a mother and father molded together to perform what each does well. But it’s the mother who is most commonly considered the backbone. I have no issue with this trend. But I can’t imagine it would be socially acceptable to say men were the backbone of most two-parent families. When in doubt, go with the mom.

The Courts

Men, as fathers, take a beating in the courts as is sometimes appropriate. In circumstances that are not so obvious, it is the mother who is most often awarded custody of the children even when the father wants custody himself. Whereas Moms have a right to their children, Dads have to fight for their children. In 2013, just one of every six custodial parents (17.5 percent) were fathers according to US Census Bureau. We can factor in the remarkable parenting skills of most mothers and that is still a lopsided statistic. Everyone has heard the term “Deadbeat Dad”, but you never hear the term “Deadbeat Mom”. The area of child custody is one area where a sense of humor doesn’t help. The good news is more fathers are getting custody and visitation rights than in the past.

Summary

Fewer people today want to admit that men and women are different, even to the point of confusion. (Some push the narrative that there are 70+ genders.) Strengths are not usually owned by one sex or the other, but they can be predominant in one or the other and this fact has repercussions and advantages. The honor, ability and burden to bear children has naturally been a factor in women’s social standing. The truth is that men have had the advantage in the boardroom, and women have had the advantage in the courts, both in law and public opinion through the media. In both of those situations, the trends are reversing. More women in the boardroom means more men at home. This works well when both are where they most want to be. Changing social standards will allow them to be where they feel is best for their family and to feel good about it. Life is not fair; it doesn’t have a conscience. Women have disadvantages and have been mistreated, but men also experience these things. We rarely talk about the issues men face.

Yes, fathers need a sense of humor, and not just with their kids. #powerofdadhood

'The Dadhood Journey' Podcast by Dr. Jay Warren (with Me)

8/26/2019

I was honored by being interviewed by Dr. Jay Warren, a Prenatal & Pediatric Chiropractor and host of the podcast "Healthy Births, Happy Babies", and this podcast "The Dadhood Journey".

We spend 38 minutes discussing 'dadhood' as further described by Dr. Warren below.

Please consider his FB Page "The Dadhood Journey!

Please click on Interview to hear "The Dadhood Journey" Podcast. And thank you for taking time.

Dr. Jay Warren's Introduction:

Something different today Dads - an interview with the author of my favorite book on fatherhood!

Guest: Michael Byron Smith is the author of “The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”. He has dedicated himself to “Helping Fathers to be Dads”, the name of his Dadhood blog.

In this episode, we will cover:

The real difference between being a father and being a Dad.
The 7 Characteristics of a Successful Dad and what it takes to become better at each one.
The “Dad’s Self Inspection Checklist”, created out of Mike experience of being an USAF Colonel and how to use it to regularly take an inventory of how you’re doing as a dad and where you can improve.

Resources mentioned in the conversation:

The Power of Dadhood book on Amazon
His website: https://michaelbyronsmith.com/index.html
Dr. Jay’s article on The Transition to Fatherhood: https://drjaywarren.com/the-transition-to-dadhood/
Dr. Jay’s other podcast: Healthy Births, Happy Babies

About Michael Byron Smith:

Michael Byron Smith is an advocate for healthy families with an emphasis on fathering. He is a 69-year-old father of three and grandfather to four, a retired USAF Colonel and a former B-52 pilot. Michael is the oldest of a family of six that struggled. His alcoholic father was irresponsible in his role as a parent. The impact this had on Mike’s siblings, and two generations after that motivated him to be the best father he could be.

Michael broke the cycle of dysfunctional families by earning a college scholarship and joining Air Force ROTC. After retirement, he dedicated himself to “Helping Fathers to be Dads”, the name of his Dadhood blog. He is also the author of “The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs”.