AuthorMichael Byron Smith is an advocate for healthy families with an emphasis on fathering. He is a 69-year-old father of three and grandfather to four, a retired USAF Colonel and a former B-52 pilot. Michael is the oldest of a family of six that struggled. His alcoholic father was irresponsible in his role as a parent. The impact this had on Mike’s siblings, and two generations after that motivated him to be the best father he could be. | Categories All |
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 The author's 4 yr old granddaughter (This is the type of conversation a parent should have with their child when they deem it appropriate)
Do whatever you want! Sounds nice, and it is! But doing what you wish to requires responsibility and boundaries. I’ll get to the limitations later, but first, doing what you want is very important to your success! Some artists and authors couldn’t manage a grocery store, and grocery store managers often can’t draw a decent circle or write an original sentence. If one were born into a family that managed grocery stores but had an artistic flair and desire to be creative, they could be coaxed or fooled into thinking they must do what their parents do. They also may have been convinced that art is a waste of time, especially financially. Hearing this over and over, and not being understood by others, could give one serious doubts. I know a man who became a priest at the urging of his parents. His parents were very proud of him! He, too, believed he wanted to be a priest – until he went to the seminary and found his enthusiasm lacking compare to the other students. Maybe he wanted something else in life but never gave himself the freedom to explore those thoughts. When he finally did, he was wearing a clerical collar and knew it would devastate his parents if he were to give it up. My three adult children all earned a college degree. My two daughters wanted an advanced education, and they went at it enthusiastically. My son, however, is a hands-on kind of guy. Formal education was a challenge to him, not because he wasn’t smart; he is very much so. He went to college because we expected of him. At first, he went to engineering school because I did. But that wasn’t him. Then he joined Air Force ROTC because I did. But that wasn’t him. I never once suggested either of those avenues. He had no plan of his own because college wasn’t his thing. My wife and I fought him for two years to keep it up, to graduate. As parents, we thought it best, but after two years of pushing, we decided we had to stop. “Okay, do what you want, Mike. Quit if that’s what you need to do”, we told him. No more would we pressure him to stay. As a result, he remained in school and got his Bachelor’s Degree. He complained no more because it was his decision! Now, in two years, he will retire from the Army as a helicopter pilot and highly ranked Warrant Officer. He became successful because he did what HE wanted to do. The Limitations Of course, you can’t do whatever you want. There are laws, ethics, common sense, and others to consider. You should never cheat, steal, or lie to get what you want. That’s obvious. Be careful of following the crowd, fads, peer pressure, and being too accepting of other’s views. Remember that you must sometimes forfeit what you want for the better of loved ones. As an example, don’t be out with your buddies if your child has a concert or a play. Always consider others when making decisions for yourself, but don’t be a slave to those considerations. It is mostly just common sense, but we don’t always use it, and some don’t have any. You owe it to loved ones to communicate with them your hopes and dreams. They will most likely help you! Success/Happiness Financial success may come even in a circumstance where you aren’t happy. However, it’s not very likely you will enjoy it. Happiness will never happen just because you’re successful, or just because you made someone else happy while going against your desires. You can be successful in a dishonest way, but that will not make you happy unless you’re a sociopath. You have to be your persona within the limitations by which we all live. In short, happiness is success! Making a positive difference is success! The best there is! So do whatever you want – but remember the social limitations. Recognizing those limitations may help you to reach your happiness! #powerofdadhood  It’s not a mystery! That is, it shouldn’t be a mystery but rarely is it discussed in public forums. To a very serious degree, violence and misbehavior begin in the homes where there is no father! Please read the information and data below. Forget for a moment the crime data, drug data, and unwed mother data you see on the news. Why? Because they are secondary data *. Why is father absence the real problem?  We cannot ignore these statistics! Without a father to have as an example to follow, to love you, to teach you, to share moments with, to have as someone who gives you a nod of approval or a glare of warning, is an irreplaceable loss. Every child wants both parents to be proud of them. When children don’t have these fundamental rights of childhood, they either rebel, shrivel within themselves, or find other ways to get recognition and acceptance.
What does science tell us about the causes of violent behavior?
Without a male role model, kids learn behavior from others. They observe and model whoever pays them attention. What they absorb is often not good for them. The need for belonging is why gangs exist. Gangs prey upon those individuals who are looking for recognition and approval. They don’t have the best interests for those individuals - not like a mother and father would! Even after controlling for community context, there is significantly more drug use among children who do not live with their mother and father. Individuals from father-absent homes are 279% more likely to carry guns and deal drugs than peers living with their fathers. “The causal relationship is profound between fatherlessness, single-parent families and the resultant murders, shootings, violence, poverty, lack of upper-mobility, school miseries for teachers and students, flourishing of vicious and brazen gangs (replacing fathers), lost job opportunities, illicit drug use and sales, and general quality of life.” (See the Washington Times) One summary statement from a major study (Marriage and Family Review, 2003) titled “The Presence of Fathers in Attenuating Young Male Violence”, says “Data analyzed across the U.S. indicate that father absence, rather than poverty, was a strong predictor of young men’s violent behavior.” Even with that, poverty is four times greater in single-parent homes than homes with two parents. No one seems to care or find excuses to avoid talking about father absence When father absence in connection of violence, crime, poverty, or mental instability comes up, “usually either no response (most frequent), an ad hominem response, or a false, irrelevant response (One such response: This is a “horrible statement and a condemnation of the black single-parent household.”) There is nothing racially inherent in the locating of this social disaster of fatherlessness. Both white families and black families have about tripled the number of homes with kids without fathers since the 1960s.” says an article in the Washington Times entitled, “The social costs of fatherlessness”. Certainly, many families do well with one parent, and there are intact families that are dysfunctional. However, the few that go against the norm are not the real problem. Yet few media outlets or politicians talk about the father absence problem. Worse, when reported, few people react in any coordinated or positive way. More media analysis (but not enough!)
Beyond violence, failure to thrive! I wrote an article for the National Fatherhood Initiative in which I state another unrecognized problem of father-absent families. I titled it The Hidden Costs of Dysfunctional Families. Here is an excerpt from that article, “The lesson is that not every casualty of a dysfunctional family is obvious. Some “success” stories mask what could have been even bigger successes. Families should be slingshots, throwing children into the world prepared for what lies ahead. Unfortunately, the problems of dysfunctional families are like anchors, dragging down their potential, and too many people succumb to their disadvantages rather than fighting to conquer them.” Father absence affects all families because father absence affects the society in which they live In 2015, 43 percent of single-mother homes were at or below the poverty level. Children who live in poverty are more likely to remain poor as adults, putting them at risk for having children while unmarried, a significant cause of poverty and father absence. Father absence also leads to higher rates of juvenile delinquency, including behaviors such as violent crime and drug trafficking. According to a 2011 research paper by Deborah A. Cobb-Clark Erdal Tekin, “Understanding the link between fathers’ involvement with their children… and delinquent behavior is critical… the decision to engage in risky or criminal behavior often has substantial social, economic, and health costs for adolescents… their families and society more generally.” HOPE: Father absence can be countered and its effects mitigated The first step to mitigate the effects of fatherlessness is to maintain and strengthen the parenting skills of men currently present in their children’s lives. The positive influence of involved fathers on their children can be leveraged to reduce the risk that their children will become part of the fatherlessness cycle. (This is the goal of The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs) The second step to address the consequences of fatherlessness is to increase the number of fathers who will mentor a fatherless child. Highly-involved fathers can mitigate the effects of fatherlessness in their community by taking this step. The third step to mitigate the effects of fatherless is to increase the number of men who will foster or adopt a fatherless child. Summary Almost every ill of society is principally caused by dysfunctional families. Not all, but in no small degree. In most instances, it is the father who is missing. What society does is ignore the root cause and talk about intermediate causes that will never address the problem properly. Grassroots efforts by each community are the best way to correct the ills of society. Our Government can help by not passing legislation that encourages the separation of families. They can reward families that stay together, but no, they reward families that don’t stay together. I understand why it happens this way – they require the most help. It’s a real dilemma. Somehow we must look at family cohesion. If we do, we could be greatly rewarded in a generation or two - because violence will be held to a minimum. Let’s find ways to keep as many fathers in the home as possible! Note: Everything in blue is a referenced link ___________________ * As a retired engineer, I am familiar with driving deep into the cause of failures. The company where I worked, and many others, use something called a ‘5-Why Analysis” . I’ve written in this space about it in the past. But before I lose you, I’ll keep it very simple. A ‘5-Why Analysis’ is simply asking a series of questions, diving deeper into each answer as to why something occurred. The first answer is rarely, if ever, the real cause or reason. The same is true for violence – the first why a violent act occurs is not the root cause. 5-Why Analysis Example Simply put, you ask yourself why something happened, but you don’t stop at the first answer. You ask why that answer happened. Now your two ‘whys’ in. You continue this until you get at least 5 answers. Example: I broke my wrist. Why 1 - How: I fell off my bike Why 2 – Why: I hit a pothole. Why 3 – How: I was not paying attention Why 4 – Why: I was listening to a podcast that took my mind off what I was doing. Why 5 - Why: Because it helps me pass the time while I get exercise. The ultimate reason I broke my wrist is that I need to concentrate on one thing at a time. The pothole was a contributor, but not the cause. The podcast was a contributor, but not the cause. The cause was my inability to do two things reasonably well at once. I should either ride me bike, listen to a podcast, or learn to do both properly at once.  A little over five years ago, my book “The Power of Dadhood” was published. I wrote it for very personal reasons, and for my belief that 'the family' is the core building block for any thriving community. I focused on fatherhood for several reasons mentioned in the book, but it is very pertinent for moms to understand a few thoughts on parenting from a dad’s point of view. Now, after writing over 350 posts on this blog, “Helping Fathers to be Dads”, I wanted to focus on the contents and values of "The Power of Dadhood".
Simply put, this is a mentoring book. It is a thought stimulator - an idea book. It’s your 'owner's manual' for kids. It's a reference book. It’s a discussion for parents. And, I say this with complete humility, it is an important book! I talk about issues within families that, if not handled carefully, can cause serious generational difficulties. No society will succeed without a strong core of healthy families. Lacking this, will we continue to look for answers to problems which could have been avoided . Nothing is more important than your family! Every decision should be built around this thought. It's not easy, and that's why we parents must communicate with each other, sharing insights when they seem promising. With that introduction, here's what you'll find inside, "The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs". What I want Fathers to know.
What is the status of fatherhood today?
I discuss challenges and how to meet them. A few examples:
What is the Pyramid of Fatherhood? There are different levels of fatherhood interaction.
The Pinnacle of Fatherhood: Here I discuss the characteristics that earn a Dad a Master’s Degree of Fatherhood
The Seven Characteristics of a Successful Dad - Appendix A: What do these mean and how do you accomplish each?
A Dads Self Inspection Checklist - Appendix B: A detailed list of questions for multiple situations for you to evaluate yourself as a dad. Very useful to be assured you are doing the right things or to help you. This checklist is available for free and has been downloaded hundreds of times! Every question is addressed in my book. Summary I believe “The Power of Dadhood” to be one of the most simply written, down-to-earth books (also an audio book and Kindle book) to which any parent can easily relate! It is easy to read, no Ph.D. type talk, and written from both the eyes of a troubled child and a concerned father. I hope you read it, then keep it nearby, certainly not for me - but your family! Please check out some of my articles on my “Helping Fathers to Be Dads” blog. Articles can be found in the column to the right. #powerofdadhood  Kids love to say “No fair!” when decisions or incidents don’t go their way. But is life fair? The further we are from being in control, the less fair life can be. Within the family, life can be and usually is fairer but not always in the eyes of the children. They are experiencing life and learning how it works. It’s a good lesson to emphasize within the family how life can often be unfair. Certainly, life is not always fair in the big world in which they will be living - so spare your children the shock! It can be a depressing thought when someone learns life is not fair. Christians teach that “good works” alone will not get them into heaven. On the face of it, not being rewarded for being a good person seems like the ultimate example of unfairness. But looking for a reward is not why you should be helpful and kind. Some do good things, mostly for recognition. When we see people that don’t seek recognition for the good they do, we appreciate them even more. Being treated fairly for being kind is not the goal, nor should it be expected. Being in control of your life is much more important than looking for fairness. Acceptance is Freeing When anyone accepts that life is not fair and never should be expected to be so, it eases their resentment, it takes away victim mentality, we accept the fact we can’t fix everything or help everyone, good things are appreciated, bad situations are less stressful and we can move on quite quickly from disappointment. Fairness is a gift, not a right. While laws give us our rights, not expecting ‘fairness’ gives us our peace. Fairness is in our lives, only as we live it and accept it from others. Fortunately, there is a lot of fairness in our world, and we are blessed to have it. Generally, we take turns, allow merging traffic, return lost or forgotten items, watch out for others, pay our taxes, help our neighbors, and more. But we are not equally smart, fast, healthy, creative, diligent, or beautiful. Sometimes that will seem unfair, and maybe it is. But remember the Serenity Prayer. It says all you have to know to be able not to be burdened by unfairness. Summary Life is not fair! And the sooner you teach this to your children, the more they will learn to live with this fact. In the process, they will be less angry, more accepting, and more apt to be in control of their situation in life. This lesson is one of the best ways to teach and achieve maturity in those you love and want to be successful. It's a lesson that must be taught over and over until it sinks in. #powerofdadhood   What is more important when working towards a goal, perfection or commitment? We want doctors and airline pilots to be perfect, but they are not. Because they are not, checks and double-checks are continually being put in place. Over time and through the experience of a multitude of errors, the seeming near perfection of doctors and pilots has increased phenomenally. It was their commitment to perfection that got both doctors and airline pilots to a level of trust that people will take the chances necessary to use their services.
What about parents? Does anyone expect a parent to be perfect? I think not, yet when parents make mistakes raising their kids, the responsible parents beat themselves up about it. But the great thing about committed parents is that they will recognize their mistakes - if they are mistakes - and improve how a particular situation may be handled in the future. The really good news is - your kids don’t need you to be perfect! Even if that were possible, being perfect would bring on issues of its own. People who appear perfect can be annoying! Maybe it’s jealousy, but perfection is tough to live up to. We like to see people fail at times. Not seriously fail, but enough to where we can identify with them. When kids see their parents stumble, they know they can stumble too, assuming the kids also observe their parents attempt to correct whatever was the cause. That corrective action is the commitment we are seeking. Parents that aren’t committed to raising their children the best way they know how will continue making the same mistakes over and over again. Children can sense this lack of responsibility towards them, and it can have an impact on their view of their parents and of themselves. It’s an important lesson for parents to absorb. Summary Perfection in parenting does not exist. We all know this, and therefore, when errors in judgment occur, we either feel bad or assume we can’t do better. What works best is your commitment to parenting, having a desire to learn and correct, doing that over and over again until, like the doctor or airline pilot, your children have a level of trust where they will take the chances necessary to learn from you! Your perceived intentions are often more important than the consequences. #powerofdadhood  ,I’m a grandfather who, upon retirement, is looking back at fatherhood hoping to help fathers of today. I loved being a dad, but it took me a bit of time to figure it out. I was incentivized by what I had missed as a kid, so I’ve thought about it quite a bit. These are seven things to consider when raising kids.
1. Wink, smile, look at them in a way they can feel the love. Most dads say “I love you” to their kids, but some never do. For those of us that do, it can get to be routine. That’s not to imply you should stop saying it, but there are other ways of saying I love you that pierce right into their hearts! Special moments can arise where just eye contact and a smile will let them know you care. And sometimes we forget a loving touch like hug or pat on the back. And oddly enough, disciplining can also show love because you are molding them, helping them to be their best. 2. Don’t treat all your kids the same. Have you heard of the “average” kid? Well, he/she does not exist! The average kid is a statistic. Of course, you will find common traits in kids such as being, shy, active, loud, picky, anxious, careless; it goes on and on. You can’t treat kids the same. Your interactions should be tailored to their needs because every kid is different socially, regarding behavior, intellectually, etc. Yes, all children should all be treated fairly, but it would not be fair to treat them all the same! 3. Your children want to be disciplined. You kids will fight you and challenge you at every turn--until they know the routine. If you are consistent, they will know arguing is useless, and they won’t do it after a while. As they get older, there will be rules they don’t care for, and they will try to talk you out of them. “You must be home by 11 PM,” you say. “But dad, my friends can stay out until midnight!” Sometimes you can and should give in, but if you have hard and fast, but reasonable rules, then stick to them. The rules tell them you care enough about them that you want them to grow safely into responsible adults. Their ego will be angry, but their true self will love you! 4. You are not your wife. You are a dad, a man. You are not their mother, a woman. You are different and teach different things in different ways. Of course, parents must discuss discipline and values, compromise if necessary, and be on the same page on essential factors. But do things with your kids that their mom wouldn’t do. Have unique, personal routines with your kids. Be yourself. If one parent lets misbehavior slide, then the other parent may need to be more responsible. When these styles balance within the family, it works much better than both being easy going--or both being tough all the time. But never work against each other as parents! 5. Children will watch what you do more than what you say. Your kids are very observant. They pick up your habits very quickly - the way you talk, the way you treat people, the way you treat your wife. Most importantly, they will notice if you keep your word. If your words match your actions, then you are reinforcing their belief in you. When you do, they will learn that words have meaning. When you back up what you say, then they will know to listen! 6. Don’t ever involve your children in your marital issues. No matter how old, never complain to your kids about their mom. They may know about what you’re unhappy about, but they don’t want to hear it from you. Why upset your children about something in which they have no say or have no fault? When you complain to them, you are the one that doesn’t look good in their eyes. 7. Pay special attention. Seemingly everyday moments can bring such joy - now and in the future. I have memory gaps involving each of my children. Some periods of their lives are difficult to recall. You, yourself, may not remember your son playing violin one year, or that your daughter was in a school play. Your children’s first days of school, the names of their best friends, their smiles on Christmas morning are all precious times and facts that deserve remembering. Although we shouldn’t live in the past, we also shouldn’t be without a story. The stories of the family will warm you when you are in your last days. A lost memory of a special moment is worse than almost any object lost. Therefore, take photos, tell stories of the past to keep them alive, don’t miss special occasions, and when you do things with your kids be there all the way, in mind and spirit. Not doing this will result in forgetting certain moments which would have smiles to your lips and warmed your heart. Summary These are things I learned as a dad. I failed at times on all of them as you will likely do as well. But if we keep these thoughts in mind, our failures will be minimized, and our roles as fathers will be of great value to the growth and success of our children!  Photo by the author. When you are a parent, everyone has advice for you. I’m guilty as one of those who think they have some ideas on the matter of parenting, especially for fathers. You see them in my book of fatherhood and within this blog every week. I do know this; my heart is in the right place as are most of those who want the best for all children and families. My best advice on advice is to consider it, but don’t think you are wrong if you ignore it. We all have different circumstances, unique children, and personalities.
Along this line, I ran across a REDBOOK article entitled,”60 Things You Should Never, Ever Say to Your Kids” I found some of these things you aren’t supposed to say interesting, at a minimum. Of course, many things you shouldn’t say to your children are no doubt correct. “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?” “You’re just like your mother/father!” or “You’re fat!” are just a few examples. Other things you aren’t supposed to say I find curious, like “My house, my rules.” I believe saying that can certainly be appropriate for an older child. Some things you are not supposed to say can become a difficult proposition in certain situations - unless you are a godly parent - and few of us are. I think it a good idea to review these ‘60 Things’ and make your own decision as to how they may apply to you as a parent. Indeed, if you sometimes violate a few of these rules of communication with your children, this does not mean you are a failure by any means. I have said quite a few of these “unsayables”, but my children have not turned their back on me and thrive as adults. We are in a period of snowflake mentality, that is, some suggest we should not test the mental vulnerability of children. In general, I agree. But should we not direct, correct, and guide our children the way we think best? If you can do that successfully by coddling, then more power to you. If you believe being tougher is more effective, do so without anger and impatience. There is a delicate balance, I think, between adhering closely to these ‘60 things you should never-ever say’ and being a parent in charge in a caring but unmistakable way. Only you can choose. Take in and evaluate all the parenting knowledge you can handle and do the best you can! None of us are perfect!  I hope everyone had a wonderful Father’s Day! Sometimes it’s difficult to share time with everyone. There are dads, stepdads, granddads, fathers-in-law, sons, etc. all deserving of time. Certainly most fathers deserve time being thanked for all the loving, teaching, protecting, and sacrificing required of a good father.
I believe fatherhood has come a long way in the last few decades! Fathers now spend triple the time with their children as they did in the 1960s. Dads have taken on new roles and become more involved in parenting than ever before. What we see is that men who were always good fathers of the past had different standards to go by. ‘Bringing home the bacon’ and being chief disciplinarian has been replaced with shared parenting and sharing ‘the bringing home of bacon’. The measures are different now. It doesn’t imply fathers in the mid-1960s or earlier were terrible men. It’s good that men spend more time with their children these days because mothers spend less time with them. One reason is an economic reality. Another reason is allowing women, without casting aspersions on them, to enjoy careers and other interests. Shared parenting is the best parenting! The Problem That Grows What is still a problem with fatherhood today are those fathers who abandon their duty or spend little time on the loving, teaching, protecting, and sacrificing that is required of them. This problem has exploded since the 1960s, particularly in the Black community. "More than half of all black children live in single-parent households, a number that has doubled — doubled — since we were children." President Obama in 2008 But it is not only a problem in the Black community! Open up this link for detailed info on fatherlessness! You may be surprised. Summary Fatherhood, when performed with love and nurturing, is better than ever! Unfortunately, families that are absent a father in the home are growing. It is no secret that this fact is having an appalling impact on our communities! Resolutions to crime, poverty, drugs, babies having babies, seem to avoid the fundamental issue of fatherless homes. Instead, there are solutions to hire more police, institute job programs, create more rehab facilities, and provide free condoms. Those ideas are emergency room resolutions. Preventive medicine, addressing fatherlessness, is not being done enough! The following information could not be more explicit regarding the issue of fatherlessness. Helping fathers to be dads today will require less help aiding their children to be great parents in future generations. Click here if you missed it! Impacts of fatherless homes! Yes, Father’s Day is over, but fathering never ends. For some unfortunate children, it never started! #powerofdadhood  Appendix B "The Power of Dadhood" This is the fourth year after my fatherhood book was published. Each year around Father’s Day, I make my “Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist” (in Appendix B of my book) available for any man who would take advantage of it. My original title was 'Self-Inspection', but it really is a 'Self-Evaluation'. There are many ways to use this checklist, but the essential aspect of it is to make you think, in detail, about your role and performance as a dad. There are those of you who have seen this checklist before and can compare how you might have changed as a father, hopefully for the better. Others will see it for the first time and will be able to see their strengths, and maybe their weaknesses, as a dad. A weakness revealed is a weakness that can be conquered. Lastly, there will be men and women who can reflect back to their own fathers and the type of dads they were/are. Many of you will revel in your luck at having a father who cared for you and prepared you for adulthood. But a few will come to see what they may have missed in their fathers, assuming they were involved at all. It could answer some questions about yourself. I caution that this checklist is not meant to finger-point! “Oh, you did, or didn’t do that!” No, it is a self-evaluation to assure you or to help you as the situation would warrant. Perfection is not expected or possible, just used as a target. Your answers are your own and as private as you wish. Consider each category, each question, and decide to change or continue fathering as you have in the past . The intention of going through an evaluation like this is threefold: 1) to be a better father, 2) to have a well-adjusted family, 3) to do your incremental part in creating a better society through healthy families! Thank You and the best of luck! Mike A Dad’s Self-Inspection Checklist (Appendix B: "The Power of Dadhood")
Are you there for them, not just around?
Do you help your children face their fears?
Does your family work together and support each other?
Are you a good example to your children and do you represent yourself well?
Is building the character of your children a conscious part of your parenting?
Summary If you have plowed through this checklist, congratulations! The mere fact that you went through it all indicates you probably did well on your self-inspection. Your most important personal contribution to your family and society is your dedication to the welfare of your children. But none of us are perfect, and we do have many distractions. It’s good to review this checklist occasionally, maybe every Father's Day week, to check up on yourself while you are checking up on your children. Ask for guidance if you could use some help! Every topic in this checklist is explained, discussed, or answered in my book, “The Power of Dadhood: Become the Father Your Child Needs.” |
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