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A Simple Act of Citizenship

10/19/2020

”It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.” — Winston Churchill, on the floor of Parliament in November 1947.

The right to vote is like water, it’s not appreciated when easily accessible. The lack of water can be very serious. Not voting can also have serious implications. Even if you think your vote won’t make a difference, it is a very important duty for every eligible citizen, and a representation that you care.

Not voting is disrespectful to every founding father, to every civil rights leader, to every soldier who has shivered in a cold, muddy foxhole or received a disability. It's disrespectful to every sailor who has drown in battle, or to every airman who has gone down in flames. Our Founding Fathers and those that have served in the military are very few. The rest live in the comfort and protection of this country. We only ask that these citizens keep up with policies and events, then vote. Yet 80-100 million eligible voters will not vote in the general election.

This year is tough for almost all of us voters! The two choices for President have serious flaws, but there is no doubt that one of them will be President for the next four years. Vote if you wish on a third party candidate, but it will be a wasted vote. It will not even be worthy as a protest. In effect, you will be helping to elect the candidate you dislike the most. It's a tough decision, but if you think choosing who to vote for, or whether to vote at all is tough, then I’m happy for you that you never had to sleep in a foxhole.

The future path America will take is tremendously impacted by this election. Who you like or dislike personally is irrelevant in comparison to the platforms each will push, and the Supreme Court that will be chosen and in power for many years to come. The very character of our country will reflected by future Supreme Court decisions and the policies of those in power, power that voters entrust to them. Your vote must reflect the platform that most closely matches the policies you hope to see. To want a perfect match is understandable, but impossible.

However, if you don’t know the name of the first president, if you don’t know who the US fought in WWII, if you think Native American Indians won the Civil War, then maybe we don’t need your vote any more than we need a blind man flying Flt 745 to Newark. We assume reaching a certain age qualifies us for the right to vote, but there are twelve-year-olds more qualified and knowledgeable than many adults. My personal belief is knowledge of the candidates and/or issues is more important than voting age.

There are those that say the system is rigged, that powerful people really run things in the background. If true, not voting will ensure that continues. I have a friend who has lived in Singapore, the Middle East, and Korea. He states those experiences have made him appreciate the freedoms and rights in the US even more. We have a flawed system with flawed candidates, but in what other country will you find less flaws than a government framed around our constitution?

Yes, voting is a lot like water. The world is full of citizens thirsting for the right to vote, the right to have a say in their governments no matter how insignificant. Vote! Ignore the weather, ignore your aches and pains, and ignore the friends that tell you that your vote won’t matter. Drag the kids, leave early for work. Ask for a ride, stand in hopefully long lines, whatever it takes. VOTE! Do it as a thank you to the heroes and patriots of the past, and as a a duty to your kids, setting them up for the future you think will be best for them and the country they will someday run.

See Appendices A & B of The Power of Dadhood. There you will find further help to ensure the best futures for your children.

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Notes and Quotes for Dads

10/12/2020

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My father was not a good father. I learned much about fathering by watching him and, when I became a dad myself, I tried to do every fatherly act he didn't do.

I still loved him and longed for his attention as a boy. Knowing the magnitude and impact of the loss of fatherly advice, guidance, and simple attention, I wrote notes and observations on fatherhood for my extended family. These observations became a book, "The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs."

I want to pull some lines from my book, giving you an idea of my passion for the importance of involved fathering. I'd then like to share some quotes on fathering from other authors, famous people, and great minds as further encouragement, hoping they will give depth and meaning you the most important role a man can have.

* * *
From: "The Power of Dadhood"

On a father's mission and attention:

"No man is a failure who has helped a child, especially his own. The greatest single gift a man can give his children is his attention. It seems so simple, but somehow it is lost in its simplicity. There is no excuse for not trying your best to be a good father. There are reasons, obstacles, and hardships, but no excuses."

On Helping Fathers to be Dads:

"While some men thrive naturally as fathers, there are too many who don't, and the results can be disastrous. We must not judge these men because we don't know what they've been through, how they were raised, or how they see things as a unique personality. But they could use a mentor, especially if their father was not there for them."

Learning from other dads:

"I learned so much from my father. I learned from him that I needed to get an education. I learned that people would judge me by my actions and react to me according to my attitude. I learned the importance of reliability and trust. These things I learned from him because he demonstrated how difficult life can be without them."

Impact on Society:

"Almost all of society's ills can be traced to people whose family lives were in turmoil. Often the turmoil started with an absent or uncaring father."

The Truth:

"You are the only true father your children will ever have, but you are not alone. Your children are waiting for you. Their mother is longing for your help. Society is cheering for your success. Fathers who are true Dads are always ready to talk to you."

Fatherhood quotes from authors, leaders, and great minds:

"But there's no substitute for a full-time dad. Dads who are fully engaged with their kids overwhelmingly tend to produce children who believe in themselves and live full lives." Tony Dungy

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." Sigmund Freud

"As an educator, I've seen the positive influence that fathers have on their children." Nicoline Ambe, Being Dad

"My dad encouraged us to fail. Growing up, he would ask us what we failed at that week. If we didn't have something, he would be disappointed. It changed my mindset at an early age that failure is not the outcome, failure is not trying. Don't be afraid to fail." Sara Blakely

"When I was a kid, I used to imagine animals running under my bed. I told my dad, and he solved the problem quickly. He cut the legs off the bed." Lou Brock

"Being a father is about adaptation and about making the most of the opportunities that are given to you." Colin Adams, Parenting for New Dads

"A daughter needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men." Gregory E. Lang

"Being a father is the most rewarding thing a man whose career has plateaued can do." Aristotle

"Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person." Naveen Jain

"Listen, there is no way any true man is going to let children live around him in his home and not discipline and teach, fight and mold them until they know all he knows. His goal is to make them better than he is. Being their friend is a distant second to this." Victor Devlin

"It is a wise father that know his own child." William Shakespeare

"The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent." Frank Pittman

"Being a father means you have to think fast on your feet. You must be judicious, wise, brave, tender, and willing to put on a frilly hat and sit down to a pretend tea party." Matthew Buckley, Fatherhood: The Manliest Profession

"...that the most precious things a father can provide are time, attention, and love." Tim Russert, Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons

"Fatherly love is the act of giving your life for the sake of someone else's needs." Nate Dallas, Hacking Fatherhood: Preparing For Success in the Biggest Role of Your Life

"No amount of money can be paid for the relationship between a father and his sons and a father and his daughters." Willie Williams, 7 Steps to Parenting Power

"My father taught me that the only way you can make good at anything is to practice, and then practice some more." Pete Rose

"Studies show that when a baby, child, or teenager has a good father, that child will soar." Meg Meeker, MD

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." Mark Twain

"One of the greatest needs of this age is for responsible and committed fathers." Bishop Charles Edward Blake Sr.

Summary

Thank you for your interest in fatherhood, or 'Dadhood' as I like to call fatherhood with involvement, mentoring, nurturing, and demonstrating love.

Dadhood = fatherhood + nurturing + demonstrated love

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THE ABCs of Being a Dad

10/5/2020

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Artwork by Malia McLellan, age 5

Between innings, periods, or quarters, check on your kids. Better yet, have them watch with you and teach them the game!

When working in the garage, ask them to help, even when they are in the way.

Reward effort at every opportunity.

Be involved, Be Fun, Be Consistent, Be Loving,
Be Patient, Be Balanced, Be Passionate. Be a Dad, not just a father.

Dads are often the wildcard in parenting. We have some definite roles that fall to us, but the roles may vary in each family. No matter your role, there are important characteristics that are always good to keep in mind. What is the difference between a good dad and a great dad? It could be subtle, but it could make a big difference!

Here are the ABC's of some of the good and the even better characteristics of an effective dad.

> means 'greater than'

A) Attention > Answers:

We may say a dad should have all the 'Answers'. Well having all the answers for our children would be nice, but we know that is not going to happen. Sometimes you will be able to solve a problem or resolve an issue, but other times the situation will not be that simple. You may not have all the information or skills you need to help. There may not be an answer at all.

What you can always do when your children have a problem is give them your 'Attention'. Let them know that you are concerned for their dilemma. Sympathize with them if it is warranted. Help them put the issue in a perspective they can handle. Show them you care. Help them solve their problem but don't solve it for them. Don't make up answers that may not work, or brush them off just to move on. This is applicable no matter the age your kids may be.

B): Being There > Being Around:

It makes all the difference in the world for children when they can have their dad around. There is a comfort for them that is intangible but undoubtedly there! Children feel your presence when you are near and their confidence and attitudes are unconsciously raised. You don't even have to be directly interacting because an invisible connection already exist. Being around is vitally important.

As important as being around is, it is just a prerequisite to 'Being There'! Being there is being around but with attention, caring and nurturing. A dad being around is passive. A dad being there is active and involved. While your mere presence is an undeniably strong advantage compared to a missing dad, it is when you show your concern that a child blossoms with self-confidence and strength. A caring dad with a caring mom lets them know they are important and of value, something we all desperately need!

C) Consistency > Comedy:

A dad should be fun to be around. When dad is funny, everything in the world is right. Laughing is therapeutic. Problems are placed behind you. The world is a better place with laughter. When dad is balancing a broom on his nose, there is no tension in the home. When dad is smiling, the home is smiling. A sense of humor is invaluable as a father.

While comedy has an important place in the home, it is not always appropriate. What is lighthearted to you, Dad, may be the end of the world for your child, so be careful when you use your sense of humor. What is always appropriate in the home is 'Consistency'! Why is being consistent so important? It means you have rules and values that are a standard for all in the home. It means your children know what to expect from you and their mom, who of course, has to be on the same page. If there is no consistency in the home, then you have chaos and confusion. Without consistency on your part, there will be no acceptance of your words from your kids.

Here are a few more dad descriptions. Many on the right are good, but those on the left are better!

Dedicated>Dapper
Easy going>Easy
Fair>Funny
Great>Good
Happy>Handsome
Involved>Interested
Just>Just around
Kind>Kinglike
Love>Like
Merciful>Mad
Nice>Neutral
Observant>Omniscient
Polite>Powerful
Respectable>Raucous
Selfless>Superior
Tenacious>Tough
Understanding>Unmoved
Wise>Wishful
eXact>eXcessive
Yielding>Yucky
Zestful>Zany

In summary:

A good dad will look for answers. He will be around when needed if at all possible. And he will lift his home with occasional comedy and light-heartedness.

A great dad will do these things also. But a great dad will also be attentive. He will be there, in action, for his children when they need him, for troubles and for celebrations. And he will be consistent. His word will be trusted and he will always be counted on to be there as the attentive father they need so badly.

And so it goes through the alphabet - and through life! These are the ABCs of being a dad. Be the best dad you can be!

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9 Frustrations That Could Impact Your Life

9/29/2020

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It is a real challenge these days to keep up with work and family. There is too much information with too little contemplation. The good part about information is that it is all at your fingertips. That’s also the bad part. The tons of information available makes it impossible to feel informed because there is an infinite amount more available. What’s crazy is the amount of worthless junk that we as a society allow to go through the information fire hose from which we drink. We never stop drinking either because we feel behind or we just don’t consider it.

When you get behind, you first put aside what you can get to later. Unfortunately, that is too often your family. You know where they live. They aren’t going anywhere. They know you love them. They’ll understand. All of this is true for isolated occasions. Unfortunately, this rationale can become a habit and the family can slowly, and barely noticeably at first, fall apart.

The information overload has added to our frustrations in life in many ways. Too many decisions, not enough time, confusion, little planning are all contributors. I took time to think about the frustrations I have experienced over the years and continue to have. But shining a light on these issues helps to minimize their impact on my life. I’m not a psychologist, nor do I play one on TV, but here is what I noticed about myself. See if any of these nine frustrations apply to you.

Frustrations

Lack of priorities—I may think I have priorities but I often ignore them. They were something I put together yesterday and I’ve already forgot to take them into account.
Lack of short term goals—closely related to priorities is short term goals. Priorities are a longer term strategic thing. Short term goals are a tactical thing. Priorities are not always done in order of importance, but in order of practicality and logic as short term goals.
Indecisiveness – what to do, what to do first, when should I do it. I usually figure it out but it takes time away from getting anything done. It is directly caused by the first two frustrations.
Numbness—sometimes I just get numb. I can’t move. I just sit there but it’s not relaxing—it’s frustrating. It doesn’t happen often and it doesn’t last long, but is a short period that may also be called depression. However, I know enough to realize when I’m numb, that it is temporary and will pass.
Fear—this was a real issue for me when I was younger. I failed to move forward often because of fear. Sometimes it was small stuff like meeting people. Other times the fear kept me from bigger things, like accepting opportunities for improvement. Social events, leadership responsibilities, etc. were things I was not comfortable with.
Laziness—who of us hasn’t been lazy at some point. Short-term laziness is normal. When it becomes a description of who you are, you need to get help.
Exhaustion—I used to be better at pacing myself, or maybe I was just younger, but exhaustion can be a great impact in your life! Exhaustion shouldn’t be ignored.
Promises—making commitments is something that must be done carefully. When they are made, they add to your priority list. The frustration appears when you have over-committed or regret the promise.
Distractions—the useless but sometimes titillating information that will draw you in, the weaknesses you have for gossip, Facebook, sports, gambling, ‘Words With Friends’, etc. None these things are bad when done as planned, but not as ‘pop up’ distractions, or excuses to delay an unpleasant task.

The Antidotes

Lack of priorities—think about what is important in your life, really important. If you have a family, be sure they are number one. Of course many other priorities will be in support of your family—work, and even your time and interests, because time to yourself is an important aspect of being a capable mom or dad.
Lack of short term goals—this is an easy fix. Just keep a to-do list as a habit and keep updating it. Write down what you want to get done today or this week. Your mind will be cleared and your efficiency increased. Don’t feel guilty about planning free time. Planned goofing off or relaxing does not add to your frustration.
Indecisiveness—the realization that you are being indecisive will get you to a quicker decision in the short term, and will remind you to know your priorities and write to-do lists.
Numbness—time! Just give it time It will pass. And get out of the house!
Fear—facing your fears is amazingly successful and therapeutic. Most fears are paper-thin and just take a little action, then it is all behind you. Any fear you must or should face, should be done as soon as possible.
Laziness—find motivation, review your priorities, and/or see a doctor, read inspirational stories. Ask yourself about the path you are on and where is it taking you.
Exhaustion—rest when exhaustion comes, but more importantly, pace yourself. Priorities change when you are exhausted. Your health and well-being become the top priority. Don’t take on more than you can handle.
Promises-say no sometimes! Once a promise is made, you must make good on it—especially to your kids. Make your word the cornerstone of the respect others have of you. But make no promises that you may regret later!
Distractions—you must discipline yourself. Set aside time for those little distractions as a low priority, but don’t let them creep into your day.

Summary

These nine frustrations I’ve experienced in the past still occasionally occur, but just like the ‘fear’ frustration, just admitting they exist is the first and fastest way to get past them. Frustrations can occur anywhere—work, home, or play. Knowing the frustration when it happens can get you out of it faster and help prevent taking your frustrations out on others. The last place you want to allow frustrations to get the best of you is at home with your family. Your wife may understand but that will make no less unpleasant. Your children will likely not understand and it will confuse and hurt them. Stop and think about what frustrates you the most. If other people is what frustrates you, don’t expect them to change. You will have to be the one that makes the change and you will be a better person for it!

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Boys to Men - They Need Help

9/21/2020

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Note: This was written 5 years ago. But it will always be relevant!

"Manhood is mimesis. To be a man, a boy must see a man"
- J.R. Moehringer, The Tender Bar

My wife and I raised a son and we now have a 2 ½-year-old grandson. We also have two daughters and three granddaughters. I’m not one of those guys that just had to have a son, but we are truly blessed with our son and grandson. All the girls make my heart melt and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but this article is about boys and what dads do to feed their imaginations, give them great memories, and teach them to be men.

Most boys have a natural affinity for trucks, rocks, dirt, and a general lack of gentleness. This may offend some who have more liberal ideas about sexual identity. But I certainly don’t intend to do that. One of my daughters knew a couple that kept the sex of their child secret for its first two years; the idea being that they didn’t want to ‘influence’ the child’s sexual identity. Similarly, there are large chain stores that no longer distinguish what were traditional boy and girl toys, nor will they identify them with masculine blue or feminine pink. That’s silly in my opinion, but I could be wrong. I think most boys and girls don't need to be led by blue or pink anyway. Certainly, never force a boy to do what is often considered traditional boy things if it's not what he enjoys.

Things boys like to do:

Rocks! Little boys like to throw rocks, or just about anything they get into their hands. This natural tendency can get them into trouble and worse, hurt someone. To give him a safe place to practice his fastball, I take my grandson to a nearby creek and let him throw big and little rocks into the creek. Oftentimes, he’ll pick out a rock he can barely pick up let alone throw into the creek—but he loves the big splashes. With the smaller rocks, I try to get him to throw with his throwing hand close to his ear to develop good form. Just to let him think I’m pretty special, I’ll find some flat rocks and skip them on the surface. It’s fun to watch him try to do the same. There is a time and a place for everything.

Puddles! Most kids like puddles. What I have noticed is boys like to stomp in the puddles. I have a difficult time denying my grandson this pleasure. His grandmother would be much stricter about this. More than once I’ve been lectured about allowing him to trudge through a puddle. If he has nice shoes and/or the puddle is muddy, I’ll step in (not the puddle) and stop him. The joy is too awesome to stop a kid from romping in a puddle and usually there is little harm done. But there are limits and even little boys should be taught what they are.

Dirt, sand, and water! Magnets attract, but not like grime attracts little boys. They love to get down and dirty. Take them to the beach, park, river, lake and let them get dirty. Of course be prepared with proper clothes, shoes (or no shoes), and sunscreen. Keep them safe but otherwise let them romp in the dirt like a piglet.

Trucks! Most little boys love trucks and tractors. My grandson, Ryan, is no exception. Not yet three, he knows the difference between a dump truck and a trash truck, or a bulldozer and a backhoe. Every Thursday morning when he is at our house, we have a tradition of going outside to watch the yard waste truck come through the neighborhood. The driver knows us by now and always puts on a show for him with his hydraulic lift dumping leaves and limbs.

Ryan naps with his toy trucks and rides around in his red and yellow plastic car. He constantly begs to get in my truck and “drive-drive”, in which he stands in the driver’s seat and whips the steering wheel side to side. More than once I’ve found lights and switches on or in the wrong position. He cries when I tell him we must move on, but once he is told, that's it. He doesn't complain very long because it doesn't work.

Roughhousing! Ryan is very gentle with his little sister and younger cousin—at least he tries to be and thinks he is. Little boys don’t understand their relative strength and momentum. As he bends down to kiss his sister, that big noggin of Ryan is moving faster than he can stop it, so we have to keep a close watch. Roughhousing is a way to teach limits in physical activity. Little boys like to wrestle around with their dads and this is a good learning experience. They giggle and laugh, and sometimes they get 'owies', teaching them about how being rough can hurt. They can also become too aggressive while wrestling around with dad and when they do, they need to be drawn in and told they are being too rough. This is how they learn gentleness and limits.

Summary

These activities are just examples of what most boys like to do. Boys need to be boys. They need to feel their oats and explore their world. While doing so, they need guidance in being male and who better to do that than their father. Dads can mold their sons, not by changing them, but by smoothing out the rough edges. If not there to guide them, the rough areas can grow unchecked. The key is balance--balance between freedom and rules! Freedom to grow, explore, feel, experience, learn, examine, and to win and lose. Rules are necessary for their safety, to teach limits, to know authority and learn respect. Little boys don't learn to balance these things on their own. We see what happens when boys grow up without the mentorship of a good father, never learning this balancing act. We can't let that happen! Spend time with your boys! Raise good men who will do the same with their boys. That includes you, grandfathers!

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Being a Parent is Like Being a Photographer

9/14/2020

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A couple of weekends ago, I masqueraded as a wedding photographer. Although I had no experience in photographing weddings, a niece of my sister-in-law asked if I would shoot hers. She based her decision on photos on my personal Facebook page. I do love photography as a hobby, but I don’t consider myself technically confident or competent. You can view my photos page – which I haven’t updated in some time – to see only photos I allow to be there. After explaining to Kelsey, the Bride to be, that it was risky for me to photograph such an important event in her life was something she should give more consideration, I was still her wedding photographer.

I realized then how much I didn’t know about photography. Flash photography was definitely not a strength. I hadn’t used any flash outside of my pop-up flash in many years. Most of my photos were of landscapes and family, where second chances can become third and fourth chances. I use auto mode more than I like to admit, and I had become even lazier, taking almost all my photos on an iPhone 11 (which does a fantastic job). After secretly considering using my iPhone to photograph the wedding, I imagined how silly that would look. Not the photos, but me running around with an iPhone trying to be a ‘professional’ photographer.

Of course, I jumped to the Internet and googled ‘Wedding Photography.’ That research helped, but I found conflicting advice. Some said use shutter priority outdoors while others believed in aperture priority. All advised photographing in ‘raw’ and not in ‘jpeg.’ I had always stayed away from raw photos in fear, and the amount of memory it ate up.

Mentioning to a friend that I was going to shoot a wedding, and him knowing my angst, he asked a photographer buddy to talk to me. His name was Fran, and he saved me with tons of good advice! I bought a new flash for this assignment, but it wasn’t TTL (through the lens). Fran loaned me his TTL flash (this took out a complication) and suggested an ISO setting. His advice likely saved half my photos, especially those indoor photos.

With this introductory story, why is it relevant to fatherhood or parenting in general? It is a metaphor on so many levels!

I thought I was a pretty good amateur photographer, and maybe I was in a very narrow area. However, I had so much more to learn! The same is true in fathering!
I already knew how to focus on what was important. But what’s going on in the background was made much more apparent--so true in good parenting.
Parenting, like photography, has many variables. You must sort them out and choose what aspects are most important at any moment—lighting, depth, action, focus, moments, etc. See if you can see the analogies of photography to parenting
With lighting, so many variables exist.
- How much light do you allow? Too dark and you miss what’s important. Too much light, and you blow out detail. Analogy: be involved but not too involved with your children’s lives. See them for who they are and can truly be.
- Is natural light sufficient, or will you need something to help you see the subject better? Analogy: You may need more than your eyes, more information, research, or the input of others when your parenting is not working as well as you would like it to be.
- What ISO setting? This setting determines the sensitivity to light. Analogy: every kid is different. Their personalities and sensitivities must be taken into consideration when mentoring them.
What aperture do you use?
- A small aperture will add detail to the background but restricts light requiring a slower shutter speed. Analogy: a parent can miss the forest for trees, seeing particular behavior but not knowing why it is occurring. A longer attention span towards your child is letting the light shine on your child, perhaps allowing the picture to be more exact.
- A large aperture will blur the background and give you subject more attention, but you must decrease your shutter speed, or the subject will be overexposed. Analogy: Too much attention on your child without considering the background can be a mistake, overexposing him or her unfairly.
Using the auto setting is lazy! Sure, you can get some good results, but almost anyone can do it, and you have given up control. A good photo could have been a great photo with a little more thought. When in doubt, you should default to the auto setting (standards) in parenting. But don’t forget your child needs specialized attention sometimes using tools you can use to focus, add depth, shine the best light on or increase/decrease ISO (sensitivity) for specific moments.

Editing

Here is where photography and parenting depart. If a photographer is fluent in photographic editing, he or she can correct many of the mistakes made the moment the shutter opens and closes. Lighting can be adjusted, cropping can get rid of unnecessary detail, colors can be brightened, and bad moments can be deleted. Corrections in parenting are not quickly or easily done! But….

You can learn from your mistakes! It takes focus on your part. Remember what worked and didn’t work. Did you put too much light on your child, like a floodlight on an interrogation? Was there not enough light, not enough to learn anything? I could go on, but I think I made my point.

Summary

The lessons of these photo/parenting analogies will only stick with you by reviewing them just as you would a photo album. After all, what good are photos if you don’t look at them, enjoy them, or learn from them? Photography is not difficult, but we rarely get the shots others do because we don’t dig deep enough into the topic, or we are too easily satisfied. It’s also true for parenting!

Happy picture taking and parenting--and may all your photos and children bring joy!

It was a fun and memorable wedding!

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Happiness is Not a Realistic Goal

9/7/2020

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Photo by the author.

“Happiness is a wonderful symptom but a terrible goal”
~ Mike Rowe

Do you know what dads are perfect for - talking to their kids. This simple act shows that you care, allows each of you to know each other better, and is a way to impart wisdom, i.e., discussing things that can help them now and in the future. One subject not on top of most young peoples’ minds is long term goals. Following is a topic that can make your children think. The issue is happiness, and how do they achieve it? Or more importantly, what does being happy mean to them?

We all want happiness for ourselves and our loved ones, but should it be something to strive for, our goal? We hope for it, and we do things for ourselves and others, thinking it will bring happiness. Sometimes we are successful in this pursuit, but more often, happiness is a byproduct of something else. But what?

It’s pretty simple, really, but it’s difficult for some to grasp, especially those that have not yet fully matured.

That something involves delaying gratification, and who wants to do that?
It also involves a higher purpose than your happiness, but is there a higher purpose?
And it takes some effort. Ugh!

That ‘something else’ that so often has happiness as a byproduct is ‘accomplishment!’ Accomplishment is the achievement of a purpose or goal. It involves effort and a result worthy of that effort. It could be improving yourself, helping someone or a cause, or creating, giving, comforting, mentoring, improving, or just caring. That’s meaningful - a meaningful life is a value-added life. It requires hard work, determination, and a plan.

A happy life is not going to happen without meaningful contributions. That’s where delay in gratification is so significant. When you spend each moment and dollar towards pleasure at that moment, you are self-centered. Think of two hungry men on the streets. A man comes up and tells them that one can have his lunch, but he only has enough for one. However, the man offers the second person a job learning how to do landscaping, allowing him to make money to buy food, not just for today, but every day (the fish or fisherman story).

No doubt, the one who chooses the lunch will be happier sooner because the hunger has passed. But it will return. The one who learns to landscape suffers through a day of hard work and continued hunger. But at the end of the day, his hunger is also satisfied. When hunger strikes again, he will not have to depend on anyone. He may even buy lunch for his lazier friend, who again will be dependent. Is one happier than the other? I have my thoughts, but who knows for sure. I do know that ‘happiness is ephemeral while accomplishment is forever.’

You may think, “well, some accomplished people are not happy,” and you would be correct. Not being happy could be caused by clinical depression or other issues beyond their control. It’s never their accomplishments that cause their unhappiness. In fact, accomplishments are endorphins that fight against the sadness that may come into our lives.

Some people search for happiness through avoidance. They are avoiding responsibility, work, education, exertion, communication, or even confrontation. They are relieved in their avoidance, confusing it for some joy. If happy but lazy people exist, they are dull and of little use to society. Their moments of happiness are dependent on their habits - drinking, smoking, constant TV or video games, or other usually egocentric acts - and dependence on others. Satisfaction comes not from narcissism, but altruism. Your happiness today may rob you of happiness in the future.

But there are no rewards for lazy people because they avoid all risks. There are no contrasts that make like interesting. No challenges to overcome. No warmth after being cold. No adrenalin. No feelings of relief after a particular fear is conquered. We learn so little by having no conflict. Rest is boring if you’ve nothing to rest for - or no goal for which to strive. On the other hand, rest is blissful after a meaningful activity. It is a chance to reenergize those with goals in mind. Result-oriented living is always chasing new challenges. It is life too busy to be unhappy.

However, a particular accomplishment is not always the path to happiness. It’s more like a continuum of accomplishments – keeping busy, doing good things for yourself and others, being resourceful, and involved - that brings enjoyment. If nothing else, you will be too preoccupied to think of poor little you. You know you are happy when you admire the accomplishments of others and don’t envy them, which happens when you have achieved much yourself and realize what others achieve helps us all.

The conundrum for many is, to go to a better place from where you are, you must first go through discomfort, stress, and sometimes pain. Kids, and even adults, need to know it is worth it and not to let fear or ignorance get in the way. They will like how they feel on the other side.

A conversation like this may be lost the first time through. But if you live it, repeat it, have numerous examples of this philosophy working for others, then you are on your way to forming strong values in your children. Maybe you will even remind yourself of things you may not have thought about in a while. The Power of Dadhood is mighty indeed, for good or bad.

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Why I Wrote a Book

8/31/2020

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The author and his book.

My father and I didn’t do many things together. He did, however, occupy my thoughts often as I struggled through the first few decades of my life, eventually moving into the background by my fortieth year. But his ghost returned as I neared retirement – by choice. I decided I wanted to make something out of his wasted life, at least as a husband and father. Maybe, through me, he could help other fathers to become dads.

It took many years to capture and organize my thoughts. My memories were hazy. The gaps in time and space were epic. But that didn’t matter, not as much as my lack of writing experience. My studies were of numbers and engineering, not words. I wrote mostly in bullet format, random thoughts, a little philosophizing, and a lot of chaotic rambling. When I thought I had finished, I dropped my collection of words to my oldest daughter, a Summa Cum Laude graduate of the University of Missouri’s School of Journalism. She gave it back to me, saying, “Dad, you have to organize this!” She was right!

Three or four more years, many rewrites, a writing coach, and three editors later, spending a small boatload of money I’ll never recover, I was finished. Even more shocking, I found a publisher willing to take a chance of what I had written. It is entitled, “The Power of Dadhood – How to Become the Father Your Child Needs.”

I was not too fond of the subtitle. It was the publisher’s idea, and who was I to argue? The publisher, Familius LLC, was giving me the chance of a lifetime, at least as an author. My thoughts had always been self-publishing, but here was a publisher that was giving me legitimacy! The reason I didn’t care for the subtitle is that every father is the father his child needs, but not every father knows how to do it well. Even the finest of men who give their all to a child as a step-father, mentor, or surrogate will be compared to a child’s ‘what-if’ biological father.

My book has sold a few thousand copies over the years. Not bad for a first-time author. It’s even been translated into simplified Chinese. But I will never come out ahead financially, and that’s okay. There’s a quote that I can’t remember, but it goes something like this, “Anyone who writes and loses money is a fool.” Well, I raise my hand as I place my court jester hat on my head! I wrote this book initially for my family, extended family, and our future generations – but then I decided I wanted to share with anyone who would take time to read it.

So, I wrote this book to help families! Society improves one child at a time. If that is, the child is loved, mentored, and raised by involved and passionate parents. Its hard work, but not difficult. It's the first duty of every parent. As neglected children decrease, a balanced and caring society will grow, and all our fortunes will be raised!

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Fathers are Rain – Mothers are Soil

8/24/2020

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Photo by author

Fathers have an enormous advantage over just about any other category of people. Mothers get more attention (those interviewed on TV always say “Hi Mom” not “Hi Dad,” and Mother’s Day is far more celebrated than Father’s Day), but it’s still true. To be accepted, all dads have to do is to be there. To be loved, all they have to do is smile and care. To be revered, all they have to do is support and encourage. A dad doesn’t need to be anyone but himself. He doesn’t have to be the same as the dad next door. A dad just has to be available--physically and mentally. Yet too many men fail to be contributing fathers!

In a metaphorical sense, fathers are ‘rain’ while mothers are ‘soil’. We notice the rain more than the soil. When it gently rains on a field of corn, it is something for which we are thankful. When the rain becomes a deluge and doesn’t let up, damage can occur, and it is cursed. When rain fails to come, the crops are in danger of growing improperly. But quietly, the soil does its job - incubating the seeds, allowing for roots and stability, and providing necessary nutrients. When soil and rain work together, crops are healthy and plentiful!

An excellent book for all men with daughters is Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker, M.D., a pediatrician who is an expert on the treatment of adolescents with medical and social problems. She writes:

“I have watched daughters talk to their fathers. When you come in the room, they change. Everything about them changes: their eyes, their mouths, their gestures, their body language. Daughters are never lukewarm in the presence of their fathers. They may take their mother for granted, but not you. They light up — or they cry. They watch you intensely. They hang on your words. They wait for your attention, and they wait for it in frustration — or in despair. They need a gesture of approval, a nod of encouragement, or even simple eye contact to let them know you care and are willing to help.”

With boys, their fathers are the example that their sons look to when they are learning to be men. In his book, Man Enough: Fathers, Sons and the Search for Masculinity Dr. Frank Pittman states,

“There was no secret to fathering, no magical answers about masculinity that are passed on from generation to generation. Boys learn to be men by being with their fathers, experiencing the world and living life. But if they haven’t had that experience, they may never feel comfortable with an awareness of what it means to be a man, what they are supposed to do with their masculinity, and how they can become fathers themselves.”

Of course, mothers have been the standard-bearer for parenting. They have shown to be the more reliable and nurturing parent throughout history. But mothers and fathers have different roles, often characterized by the steady hand of the mother and the stimulation of the father.

We know that both the soil and rain are necessary for the fields of corn to thrive. When rainfall is not sufficient, crops will not flourish. When the soil has little or no nutrients, the rain will have little impact on the crops being healthy. So it is with children! When fatherly attention is lacking, or motherly love is weak, children are at high risk for trouble or failure. When both of these situations exist, a child’s future is tragically burdened with predictable, and unfortunate results.

It is good for the family when parents have different strengths, because children have various needs that can vary from child to child. Of course, the metaphor is not perfect. Parental roles and family outcomes are not set in stone. But both parents are critical factors in the mental and physical health of their families even if the father is the soil, and the mother is the rain. Children want your attention and need your positive influence. Fathers mustn’t waste the advantage they naturally have with their daughters and sons. Mothers must encourage and appreciate what the fathers have to offer. Having happy children growing into responsible adults will likely be your most significant contribution to society.

May your crops be healthy and bountiful!

#powerofdadhood

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Our Life is our Painting

8/16/2020

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We all have different beginnings and different endings. While your beginning has little to do with you, your end has everything to do with you. But you are held back or boosted by your beginning. Suppose you were born to a poor, dysfunctional family. When your life is over, will you still be poor? Will you have lived in dysfunction? Or will you find some strength in yourself and make choices to pull yourself out? No doubt it will take more strength than someone born into a strong, stable family to get to a certain level of success. And maybe you will not achieve as much because of all you had to overcome. But the satisfaction comes in the overcoming.

Suppose, on the other hand, you were born into a family of means, where education was emphasized and opportunity abounded. Will you take full advantage and grow? Or will you become lazy and feed on your advantages, never doing much with them and passing on to your children less than you once had?

We come into this world with three things. First of all, we are born into a life situation. Where we are born, who we are born to, and the history of those to whom we are born to are circumstances beyond our control - yet very significant factors for our future. Secondly, we are given a unique personality. Whether that is as an introvert or extrovert, an optimist or a pessimist, some degree of intelligence, or many other factors, our personality is as unique as our face. Lastly, we are given choices. Every day of our lives, we are making choices. Sometimes, it seems as if our options are limited, but there will always be choices. However, those choices can be tough, painful, and often limited.

Canvas - Brush - Colors

A metaphor for the life situation into which we are born is a canvas. That canvas can be almost blank for some, dark for others, and beautiful for the fortunate among us. Once we are born, and our personality begins to reveal itself, we become a paintbrush with the ability to make our own mark onto the canvas. How we change that canvas, which is now our own, depends on our choices. Choices are the colors we choose for our brush, altering our canvas every day. Even non-action is a color, likely grey. Someday, we may become a parent, leaving a canvas for our children to begin their life.

As artists, we are not equally talented. Our canvas, at various stages of our lives, will become what we do with it. We have no control of the canvas we were given, little control of our paintbrush’s size or texture, but we can choose any colors we want of those before us. It’s up to us to do our best with what we have. We all can’t be Rembrandt, but we can, at a minimum, improve upon the canvas we were given. Our painting is our life and will become the canvas we leave for those that follow us.

Parents

Parents are directly responsible for the canvas and indirectly responsible for the paintbrush and colors provided. Leave a canvas that stimulates and encourages your children, which gives them an edge over those that have to whitewash and start all over. Leave them a canvas (environment) to build on, to deepen, and to make their own. Please give them the education, support, and confidence - the brushes (right tools), that can make broad, strong strokes - or fine brushes that can bring out details that make all the difference in telling the story of their painting. Provide a broad spectrum of colors (choices) for them to choose from, but let them make those color choices.

Every child's success will be helped or hindered by their parents. Sometimes parents help without reward. Other times our children succeed without our help. Mostly parents are the leverage all kids need for a good start in life. We will never know how much, but be assured the impacts of parental actions or non-actions are significant. #powerofdadhood

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