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Is Attention Becoming More Important Than Competition?

12/14/2020

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Picturephoto by the author
If you are afraid of competition, you’re afraid of life! Competition is life. Every day we assert ourselves for what we deserve. If we do not, who will? Competition is natural. It makes you better by making you work harder and smarter. Yes, some lose and some win. In fact, anyone would lose more than they win if they are aggressive enough. The most successful people have failed the most! Here are just a few examples:       
  • Jack Canfield and his co-author (“Chicken Soup for the Soul”) suffered through 144 rejections before being published.
  • The best hitters in baseball fail seven times in ten at-bats.
  • Lincoln had a tough life and lost several elections before his presidency.
  • Churchill, Disney, Edison, J.K. Rowling all had significant failures before success. 

Now I see numerous corners of society looking at competition as unfair, something we shouldn’t force on our children for fear they may suffer. How insane is this philosophy? Competition is the load we put upon ourselves to build mental muscle, toughness, and resiliency. Without those qualities, you go nowhere in life on your own.

Failure is learning. As your mountain of failure grows, your abilities, knowledge, senses, and determination also grow. When your success comes, you ride high on that symbolic mountain. Success gained without struggle sits on a molehill, and no one can see you down there.

Competition is in every aspect of life, but nowhere is it more evident than in sports. The net sum of all sports events is 50% winners and 50% losers, but that doesn’t scare competitors. When working together, competitors are successful. People who succeed in working with others have struggled alone; they have learned the talent and perseverance to thrive. For example, ‘Coaches Against Cancer’ will have equal wins and losses in Toto, but they win as a group, fighting cancer.

Recently, ‘Sports Illustrated’ named five “activists” athletes sportspersons of the year. Competition has taken a back seat to attention. “Attention, not competition, is becoming the point of sports.” Says Jason Whitlock, a sports writer on Outkick.com. When attention is given to activists instead of competitors, the purpose of sport is lost.

I’m afraid this trend will consume our young people. More attention on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat is overcoming grades, physical fitness, and community service as our children’s goals. Some young people become obsessed with social media and their social standing, and when they don’t see the results they want; they become deeply depressed.  
   
When your child is involved in honest competition, depression is not as likely to happen. Instead, they will be challenged to improve and have less time to poke at their devices. Of course, disappointments will come in competition, but they will be growing emotionally – not true in the world of attention! 
 
As a parent, a goal is to find an endeavor that presents a challenge to your children in an area where they have interest and talent. Competition in that activity will help them to improve. The only time competition would harm a child’s growth is to force them into an activity in which they have no interest. While some competition is unavoidable, it would be foolish to make your child play soccer or play the violin if they hate it. While best to finish a commitment, don’t signup for the next season. Alternatively, they may love dance, art, or baseball.

Note: Give them time before giving up on a challenge, for sometimes they grow to love a new activity.

Summary

Don’t let your children follow the trend of less competition, more attention. Get their minds and bodies working! Don’t let this new social media phenomenon, with the world as a whole available through a small screen in their pocket, change their values. Keep your childrem busy, monitor their activities, and have rules with consequences. Compete!

​#powerofdadhood

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​If You Want That, Then You Must Do This

11/30/2020

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Picture
When my three children were young teens and tweens, I wrote something for them and put it in a cheap plastic photo frame next to their beds as a reminder of their responsibilities in life. Whether they read it often, or understood it completely, was not something I could control… but it was there for them to contemplate or to ask questions about if they chose to do so.

Some twenty or more years later, I was moved to write The Power of Dadhood, about the importance of fathers being involved in their children’s lives. I decided what I had written for my children so long ago would be perfect for my book on fatherhood. That something was simply called...If You Want ‘X’, Then You Must Do ‘Y' 
​

 X = That
 Y = This

​. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


If You Want ‘X’, Then You Must Do ‘Y’
Copyright: Michael Byron Smith

  • If you want to Learn, you must listen.
Do I get an Amen for this one?
  • If you want Growth, you must take risks.
To have growth requires trying new things, facing your fears, and calculating the risks given the potential growth and rewards. If you rarely fail, then you rarely put forth much effort.
  • If you want Responsibility, you must be responsible.
Everyone deserves a chance at responsibility. But when you get it, you better not mess it up because it will take a long time to get trust back!
  • If you want Commitment, you must be involved.
You must show you care for your mission or goal if you expect anyone to be committed to helping or serving you.
  • If you want Achievement, you must have goals.
If you had a plan called a ‘ladder’ and achievement was reaching the ‘top’ of a ladder, then each ‘rung ‘of the ladder is a succession of goals. You cannot have achievement without goals, and very rarely without a plan!
  • If you want Success, you must have persistence.
Easily reaching a goal is not much of a success. Success usually involves failures, missteps and hard work. Surviving through all of that requires persistence!
  • If you want Control, you must plan.
Back to the plan, symbolized by a ladder above. You cannot control your ascent or descent without a plan. The plan may not always work, but you can adjust from a known issue (e. g. get a better ladder) instead of experiencing chaos.
  • If you want Rewards, you must provide effort.
You may win the lottery, and that’s great, but you provided no effort and that is not a reward. The most enjoyable things that come to you in this world are those for which you have struggled to obtain.
  • If you want to Be Liked, you must like yourself.
If you don’t like yourself, you likely need help. But first help yourself by being kind to others, allowing that act to be reflected back to you. When that happens, you will like yourself. Be first! Like and be liked.
  • If you want Love, you must be patient.
Don’t confuse 'like' or 'infatuation' with love. Be cautious, wary, and don’t settle for less than you deserve. Live a life of independence before looking for true love. 
  • If you want a Challenge, you must dare to improve.
You can challenge someone in darts or arm-wrestling. That’s fun! But real challenges involve improving yourself or helping someone who needs help. Again, don’t settle for less than you deserve. But if you don’t challenge yourself, you don’t deserve much.
 
Summary

Kids must know that their success is mostly up to them, but they have to be aware of that fact. Children of wise parents are statistically much more successful!  The reason they are is having been taught these basic facts of life.

Be a provider to your children, be a source of love, but also a be a mentor.
 



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Happiness is Not a Realistic Goal

9/7/2020

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Picture
Photo by the author.
“Happiness is a wonderful symptom but a terrible goal”
~ Mike Rowe

Do you know what dads are perfect for - talking to their kids. This simple act shows that you care, allows each of you to know each other better, and is a way to impart wisdom, i.e., discussing things that can help them now and in the future. One subject not on top of most young peoples’ minds is long term goals. Following is a topic that can make your children think. The issue is happiness, and how do they achieve it? Or more importantly, what does being happy mean to them?

We all want happiness for ourselves and our loved ones, but should it be something to strive for, our goal? We hope for it, and we do things for ourselves and others, thinking it will bring happiness. Sometimes we are successful in this pursuit, but more often, happiness is a byproduct of something else. But what?

It’s pretty simple, really, but it’s difficult for some to grasp, especially those that have not yet fully matured.
  1. That something involves delaying gratification, and who wants to do that?
  2. It also involves a higher purpose than your happiness, but is there a higher purpose?
  3. And it takes some effort. Ugh!

That ‘something else’ that so often has happiness as a byproduct is ‘accomplishment!’ Accomplishment is the achievement of a purpose or goal. It involves effort and a result worthy of that effort. It could be improving yourself, helping someone or a cause, or creating, giving, comforting, mentoring, improving, or just caring. That’s meaningful - a meaningful life is a value-added life. It requires hard work, determination, and a plan.

A happy life is not going to happen without meaningful contributions. That’s where delay in gratification is so significant. When you spend each moment and dollar towards pleasure at that moment, you are self-centered. Think of two hungry men on the streets. A man comes up and tells them that one can have his lunch, but he only has enough for one. However, the man offers the second person a job learning how to do landscaping, allowing him to make money to buy food, not just for today, but every day (the fish or fisherman story).

No doubt, the one who chooses the lunch will be happier sooner because the hunger has passed. But it will return. The one who learns to landscape suffers through a day of hard work and continued hunger. But at the end of the day, his hunger is also satisfied. When hunger strikes again, he will not have to depend on anyone. He may even buy lunch for his lazier friend, who again will be dependent. Is one happier than the other? I have my thoughts, but who knows for sure. I do know that ‘happiness is ephemeral while accomplishment is forever.’

You may think, “well, some accomplished people are not happy,” and you would be correct. Not being happy could be caused by clinical depression or other issues beyond their control. It’s never their accomplishments that cause their unhappiness. In fact, accomplishments are endorphins that fight against the sadness that may come into our lives.

Some people search for happiness through avoidance. They are avoiding responsibility, work, education, exertion, communication, or even confrontation. They are relieved in their avoidance, confusing it for some joy. If happy but lazy people exist, they are dull and of little use to society. Their moments of happiness are dependent on their habits - drinking, smoking, constant TV or video games, or other usually egocentric acts - and dependence on others. Satisfaction comes not from narcissism, but altruism. Your happiness today may rob you of happiness in the future.

But there are no rewards for lazy people because they avoid all risks. There are no contrasts that make like interesting. No challenges to overcome. No warmth after being cold. No adrenalin. No feelings of relief after a particular fear is conquered. We learn so little by having no conflict. Rest is boring if you’ve nothing to rest for - or no goal for which to strive. On the other hand, rest is blissful after a meaningful activity. It is a chance to reenergize those with goals in mind. Result-oriented living is always chasing new challenges. It is life too busy to be unhappy.

However, a particular accomplishment is not always the path to happiness. It’s more like a continuum of accomplishments – keeping busy, doing good things for yourself and others, being resourceful, and involved - that brings enjoyment. If nothing else, you will be too preoccupied to think of poor little you. You know you are happy when you admire the accomplishments of others and don’t envy them, which happens when you have achieved much yourself and realize what others achieve helps us all.

The conundrum for many is, to go to a better place from where you are, you must first go through discomfort, stress, and sometimes pain. Kids, and even adults, need to know it is worth it and not to let fear or ignorance get in the way. They will like how they feel on the other side.

A conversation like this may be lost the first time through. But if you live it, repeat it, have numerous examples of this philosophy working for others, then you are on your way to forming strong values in your children. Maybe you will even remind yourself of things you may not have thought about in a while. The Power of Dadhood is mighty indeed, for good or bad.



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