Category: Family

Kids Need a Wingman and a Parachute Packer

5/11/2020

In the Cold War, I flew the B-52 Stratofortress, a nuclear equipped bomber. If attacked, requiring the United States to strike back at our aggressor, we would have been the first to go. We were, so to speak, the tip of the spear. But that tip would go nowhere without the long solid shaft that allowed that spear to be carried forward. Maintenance, security, supply, transportation, food services, fueling, trainers, medical, and life support, all these, and those I may have regretfully not included, were the shaft. With any one of those support areas missing, the shaft would be broken, and the tip of the spear totally worthless.

During the Cold War, there was also a 'Hot' war in Southeast Asia where lives were lost and saved. The following is a true story of the teamwork that typifies the actions necessary to complete any mission—two teammates who met many years later that didn't even know each other personally.

Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience!
One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said,' You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down.

'How in the world did you know that?' asked Plumb.

'I packed your parachute,' the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, 'I guess it worked!'

Plumb assured him, 'It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today.

Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, 'I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat; a bib in the back; and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how are you?' or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor.' Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know.

Now, Plumb asks his audience, 'Who's packing your parachute?' Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory - he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute. He called on all these supports before reaching safety.

Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your parachutes.

I am sending you this as my way of thanking you for your part in packing my parachute. And I hope you will send it on to those who have helped pack yours!

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word to us. Maybe this could explain it! When you are busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do - you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.

So, my friend, the next time when you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

So dear friends, we are just helping you pack your parachute and thank each of you way have helped us pack our parachute.

The lesson here is of unsung heroes! Families succeed because of unsung heroes. When a man or woman has a child, they must think of that child as the tip of a spear, not for war, but for their struggle entering a world in which they must survive. A mom, dad, and siblings are the shaft that makes their struggle more or less difficult. Like the true story above, parents must provide the means to survive when hard times come about, as they always seem to do. Be the one that packs their parachute – a parachute that just might save them, allowing them to try another day because failure will come as one reaches for higher goals.

Another analogy from military aviation is to have one cover your 'six,' meaning to watch your back. That was the job of a wingman in the military. Your kids need a wingman too! Just out of sight, but watching closely, looking for threats!

#powerofdadhood

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My Password to Memories

4/27/2020

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The church steeples I meditated on as an 8-yr-old from street level. The building has been torn down.

Distant memory is like an out-of-focus photograph. “Is that Grandma in the background, or is it Aunt Jane?”
“I’m not sure, but that house is definitely on fire!”

People will argue whether that is Grandma or Aunt Jane even though some details don’t matter in the bigger picture. Unless, of course, one of them is suspected of arson.

I have a memory of sitting on a desk in a police station when I was a toddler. I had been found wandering around unattended, and while the police looked for my parents, I was sucking on a red lollipop. But was it red? It doesn’t matter really. But my mother says it was my brother who was lost at the police station. More important than whether it was me or my brother is the ‘fact’ that I had that memory, and it had some significance. Now that memory is more than 60 years old. Why have I clung to it, while I can’t remember what I did yesterday? It is interesting to me, but I will likely never know why.

My brothers and sisters are always recounting stories of things I did to them as their older brother. I often was in charge of them while my mother worked and my father was places unknown. Was I really that mean? I suppose I was because my only tool back then was fear, like a bear standing tall and fiercely growling. The real story may not be my lousy babysitting techniques, but the fact we were in that situation.

Some things are burned in your memory so deeply, you can recall every detail. At least that’s how it feels. I remember waking up very early as a nine-year-old looking out of the window at the pyramid shaped twin towers of a Polish church across I-70. The background was a pinkish-orange sky almost free of clouds. It was quiet, even with the highway next door. It must have been a Sunday. I remember that moment because it was so different than the chaos of living with five younger siblings. I didn’t know about meditation then, but I think that is what I was doing.

Memory is enhanced when it involves something out of the ordinary. My first train ride, my first kiss, my first jet solo, my wedding, the births of my children. I’ll never forget walking home from my job as a carhop at 17 years of age at 2 AM in the morning. There was a gravesite next to the road, high enough on a hill to see the silhouettes of gravestones against the moonlit fog. Already in a state of nervous anticipation, a pack of 3-4 dogs came charging upon me, snarling and barking at my heels! I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t outrun them so I stood steady as they circled, seeming to dare me. Fear! Eventually, I started taking small steps with them still at my heels. Finally, they became bored with me and left. What relief!

These are extraordinary events, easy to recall. But I also remember taking a photo of my first niece, maybe one-year-old, playing in clover over 47 years ago. It’s somewhere, but it is also in my head. Then there was the time I sat in Forest Park in St. Louis watching construction workers build a tall condo building across from its western border. I just sat there as a fourth-grader, mesmerized. I must have done things like that dozens of times, but that moment is stamped in my head. It was summer, the trees were full and waving in the breeze, and I sat on a hill alone, and watched. But I don’t remember my first day in high school or where I lived half my life. We moved often.

My memories as an adult are much more pleasant than my childhood, but I still struggle with my memory. I always have, so it’s not just my age. Because of that, I take a lot of photos, especially of family! Looking at older pictures, I am reminded, not just of the photo, but the day the photo was taken. That tells me that our brain is like a computer’s memory. I never want to forget the growing stages of my grandchildren. If I waited too long, I may forget. So I take photos.The info is there, you just need to know how to find it.

Photos are my password to memories.

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Mitsakes: We All Make Them!

4/13/2020

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Photo by the author

I went to the hospital a few weeks ago as an outpatient for a relatively minor issue. An attendant placed one of those plastic medical ID bracelets on my right wrist, the kind that couldn’t be pulled off by a John Deere tractor (but are easily removed with scissors). Every move I made, from the nurse escorting me in, then a technician taking x-rays, to the guy walking by with a white jacket, to the nice old lady checking me out of the hospital, asked for my name, date of birth and SSN as they looked at my plastic medical bracelet. Why be so careful?

According to a recent study by Johns Hopkins, more than 250,000 people in the United States die every year because of medical mistakes, making it the third leading cause of death after heart disease and cancer. It almost makes you want to stay home when sick, and not because of COVIS-19!

A few examples below:

Two men were mistakenly circumcised, while a woman had a lump removed from the wrong breast.
The wrong toe was amputated from one patient, and two women had biopsies taken from their cervix, rather than their colon.
Six women had their ovaries removed during botched hysterectomies, putting them into early menopause.
Figures also show that some patients had procedures intended for someone else, including laser eye surgery, lumbar punctures, and colonoscopies.
A two-year-old girl died during an operation when her anesthesiologist mistakenly gave her 20 times the anesthesia dose required. Tragic!

This information helps me to understand why the plastic medical wristband and constant questions have become routine.

Another area of caution is aviation. As a former military pilot it hurts me to say this, but 85% of aircraft accidents are caused by pilot error. I was lucky enough to not add to that statistic, but as a young civilian student pilot, I landed on the wrong runway in Vandalia, IL during a solo cross-country training flight. But hey, it was a smooth landing!

Don’t even get me started on politicians! They made the word ‘gaffe’ famous: wasted money, bridges to nowhere, scandals, etc.

What’s My Point?

Everyone makes mistakes! Even well-trained professionals make mistakes. No one is immune. I’m speaking mainly to parents and especially to dads (only because you are my target audience). Parental mistakes are something all moms and dads will experience over and over! Maybe you underestimated a problem your son has mentioned, or you have or overly punished your daughter for something because you were in a bad mood. Apologize! But be assured that your children will make more mistakes without you! The imperfect you is better than the missing you with very few exceptions.

What would we do if doctors, nurses, or airline pilots were not willing to take chances with life and death decisions!? There are risks in life, but we can’t move forward without taking them. Of course, we take actions to minimize those risks. The hospital wrist band symbolizes risk mitigation, as does pilot checklists and political advisors.

Our kids do not focus on the mistakes we make. They may notice, but they soon forget. What they know is how much we care! If you don’t care, or don’t show you care, that’s not a mistake - that is a devastating personality defect. But it is reversible with a little help and insight!

Parents can minimize mistakes by not assuming parenting comes easily or naturally, especially for men. Read, ask questions, talk with your spouse, listen, count to 10, give yourself timeouts, think first, and be a student of your kids. Parenting may seem like a side job to a busy parent, but it’s not! You will continue to make mistakes, but when you do, don’t beat yourself up! I’ve seen the statistics when dads are missing, (data on crime, drugs, teenaged births, poverty, mental health, etc.) Click on that link and be shocked! When dads are missing, it’s tragic! So be not afraid of making mistakes, and certainly never give up! Your children need you!

#powerofdadhood

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What You Heard was Not What I Said

4/6/2020

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Photo: Michael Byron Smith

Or was it?

“The biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
~ George Bernard Shaw

Communication may become a more significant issue when we are cooped up for days on end with those we love during the COVID-19 crisis . Not because it happens more often, but because we may have less tolerance for it. Be patient with your family. Especially your children!

Miscommunication happens with your kids, your spouse, in the media/press, among co-workers, and elsewhere. Sometimes it’s the other person, and sometimes it’s you, or both. Maybe you misspoke, saying something you did not mean. Mostly, these misunderstandings are harmless, but they can cause many problems some of which are very serious. In critical or dangerous situations, parties are required to repeat an instruction. Pilots in the US Air Force, when switching control of their aircraft from one to the other, must confirm the transition. The first pilot, “You have the aircraft.” The second pilot, “I have the aircraft.” Only then can the first pilot release control.

How about a less critical but essential communication situation? How about within your family? Even the most loving of spouses can get annoyed with each other when they aren’t connecting at the same level. Then there are the kids! Being misunderstood is painful, especially for kids, because they often think they are doing something wrong or you are unfair. It can leave them feeling helpless, upset, impatient, and angry, especially at the person that’s not understanding them. Children can’t think like an adult, so adults have to think like a kid. The knowledge and ability to do that within your family will decrease misunderstandings.

Heidi Grant Halvorson, a social psychologist, says in her book, No One Understands You and What to Do About It, you are probably a terrible judge of how other people view you. Humans, she explains, are consistently poor judges of how other human beings view them. “We know when someone else is making a good impression, but we don’t know when we’re not doing it.” Stated otherwise, if others can make a bad impression or be unclear, so can you - without realizing it. In fact, one of the easiest ways to suffer the consequences of being misunderstood is to make the assumption that who you’re talking to knows what you know, feels what you feel, or is on the same page as you.

Here are some reasons why people misunderstand each other * It’s no wonder it happens so often!

Mood. Wow! A bad mood will always get in the way of good communication. Be honest about your mood and take responsibility by admitting your inability to communicate properly. I’m as guilty as anyone. If it can wait, let it wait!
Anger. This ties in with mood but can be much more disruptive and consequential.
Exhaustion. If you are tired, you’re not alert and may not be listening.
Hearing issues. This is a common problem. Unless tested, we may not notice when we lose hearing. To avoid embarrassment, we often answer as if we heard correctly.
Bias. Hearing only what you want to hear because you want to control and validate your belief.
Not listening. We are all guilty of this at times. It easy to do with children when they constantly need your attention.
Vocabulary. Know your audience and use language they understand. Unless they know you well, they may not admit they didn’t understand. Again, try to imagine what a five-year-old really wants.
Personality differences. Different personalities hear things differently because of sensitivities, attitude, openness, etc. Some people think deeply. Others sail on the surface.
Preoccupied. Sometimes you are in the middle of a correspondence, or an activity where you are concentrating on a task, or simply in deep thought. This is not listening less offensively.
Purposeful. We can be dishonest about what we hear or pretending we didn’t hear correctly or responding with double talk, purposely trying to confuse the other person.
Assuming. Asking, “Why did you do that?” when the other person doesn’t know what ‘that’ is.
Sarcasm. Men, especially, close friends, are sarcastic with each other. It’s kind of a brotherhood thing when done right. But you have to know the person to be sarcastic. Also, I believe men are more open to sarcasm more than women.
Tone. How you say something is as important as what you say. The wrong tone will almost always cause miscommunication.
Appearance. How you look when you talk (facial clues, body language, eyes) all speak as loudly as your voice
Where’s your head? What is the other person thinking? Similar to assuming, but more like being the same frame of mind as you. I say, “I love your jeans!” You hear, “I love your genes.”

Because there are so many ways to miscommunicate potentially causing undesired results, it’s wise to reassure those you respect and love on a higher level by taking pro-active steps.

Pre-emptive statements to minimize communication issues.

I will never say anything on purpose that sounds like I don’t love you.
Please feel free to ask questions.
I can’t hear well in noisy areas.
I’m not familiar with that topic.
Can I have your attention for a moment?
I’m tired. Can we talk in the morning?
Do you understand what I mean?
Can you repeat that?

Summary

There are enough problems in the world and within our families without creating unnecessary obstacles. Think about what you are saying and how you are listening. Remember never to overreact. Remember that saying sorry is always an appropriate thing to do when you have made a mistake. Remember that kids are kids. They are rambunctious, energetic, and immature. Give them some attention and be gentle. Remember to give time to yourself and to give yourself time to think. Give hugs after mistakes have been made.

#powerofdadhood

* My thoughts as a layman

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Prescriptions for Conquering the Challenge of Social Distancing

3/25/2020

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My granddaughters having lunch during homeschooling

Every disadvantage presents opportunities for finding good. Every difficulty has advantages within if you look for them. Concerning isolation or social distancing we have been provided unique opportunities. It could be a home project you could never get to before. Maybe you can find more time to get to know your kids better and what they are thinking. Perhaps you can organize your computer files or write your memoir.

I have some non-medical prescriptions to suggest that hopefully will help during the social distancing phase of the Covid-19 crisis.

Take a drive in the country. Better yet, go there and talk a walk through nature.
Keep informed, but do not watch the news 24-7.
Take advantage of binge-watching a series on TV. Escape is nice.
Home school your children. You will learn as much about them as they will learn from you.
Catch up with friends with dreaded social media. (Social media can be as good or bad as you want to make it)
Read a book or two!
Facetime friends and family
Write a journal. It may of interest to your grandkids when this is in the history books.
If you’re like me, you need to organize your photos.
Blow off the dust on those board games.
Take a course online. I’m watching a ‘Udemy’ course about Photoshop Elements.
Take a walk in your house if you can’t walk outside. It’s easy if you have a circular path or long hallway or a basement in your house.
Dance to Pandora, Spotify, iTunes, or your favorite radio station. Exercise and fun in one activity.
Videoconference with your grandparents, grandkids, or friends using Zoom or another service.
Do a puzzle using https://im-a-puzzle.com/
Use cardboard boxes with holes to play indoor golf with your kids. No drivers!
If you are alone, call somebody or talk to Alexa. (“Alexa, tell me some good news”)
Clean out your closets/garage!
Search for good Podcasts for you and your kids. There are tons! (e.g., Fun Kids Science Weekly )
Catch up on sleep, if possible. Nap when your kids nap, or just enjoy the quiet.
Think about and enjoy the spring weather! It should get better each week.
Do a coordinated drive-by for kids’ friends’ birthdays. Make signs, yell out your windows, and honk your horns! (Already happening in my neighborhood.)
Most good ideas come not from your education but letting your mind rest. Take advantage of the opportunity to push ‘everyday workday’ thoughts out of your head - those that generally take up most of your time.
Stop and think about what you are now missing and miss so you can be grateful when you get it back.

More importantly, the ideas this list provides is a prompt to use your imagination to make lemonade out of this lemon of a virus.

I’m hoping the COVID-19 crisis and requirements for family isolation will connect fathers, mothers, and children like never before. But with that comes the need for patience! Escape to a room to let off any tension you may find building up. Something to consider in advance!

Let’s get through this!
#powerofdadhood

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How to Improve the ‘Formula for Success’

3/16/2020

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Photo by author

We all know our children have different personalities. We also know some children have advantages others do not have. I’ll generalize their advantages/disadvantages as their environment. Lastly, both of these factors, ‘personality’ and ‘environment’, drive a child’s expectations. Those factors even drive an adult’s expectations. As parents, we have the responsibility to make their child’s environment as helpful to them as possible and to be aware of the factors of their personality. Here’s why. (Read the summary as a minimum!)

These are my thoughts on Success (S) and Personal Success (PS). I’m speaking from my background as an engineer, a former struggling child, and as a father of three awesome adults. So note, there is no Ph.D. to be found in my resume, just my observations as an interested party on the topic.
Success is an elusive thing to evaluate because it means different things with different criteria for everyone.

Environment (E) includes such things as family, friends, mentors, neighborhoods, schools, and accepted social standing. By ‘accepted social standing,’ I mean what an individual thinks there standing is despite what others may think it is.
Personality (P) includes, but not limited to, energy, desire, passion, intellect, goal seeking, attitude, ability to plan, introversion or extroversion, and perseverance.
Expectations (Ex) compare where you are aiming to where you end up

The relative influence of Environment vs. Personality differs for everyone, it is clear that when one factor is low, the other factor must be strong to achieve Success.

Note: Those who don’t like math can skip all the equations and read the words.

Success = Environment X Personality

Personal Success = (Environment X Personality)/Expectations, OR
PS = S/Ex

High expectations for your personal Success makes that Success more difficult to achieve. (e.g, a General, CEO, or a movie star)
Lower expectations for your personal Success makes that Success easier to achieve. (e.g., a Sergeant, middle manager, or supporting actor)

Three Examples of the Success Formula

Example 1: Low E, High P = High S, Average PS

A distracted single mother raises a young man with no fatherly influence. This young man’s environment rating would be low because of the family environment and a lack of mentoring. It could also be low value friends surround him.
On the other hand, this young man has a passion. He has the intellect and attitude to achieve his passion. His Personality rating would be high, and despite his low environment rating, his chance for Success is good!
His chances for personal Success (PS), in his judgment will depend on his meeting his top goal. He could be a success (S) as a Colonel but feel a lower personal success (PS) because his goal was General.

Example 2: High E, Low P = Low S, High PS

A young woman is brought up by loving and reasonable parents. She goes to good schools and has no social disadvantages. Her environment is high.

However, this young woman is self-centered and lazy. She doesn’t do her homework if she’s not interested in it and lives day-to-day.

Her chances for Success are not very high, but she could feel like she has personal Success as her expectations were low, never having a goal or desire to grow. She may be a sales associate when she could have been a manager or higher.

Example 3: High E, High P = High S, Average PS

I’ve only provided two examples of the multiple combinations of factors that result in a likelihood of Success (S) and personal Success (PS), but here is one more interesting example!

There is a wealthy and successful man whose name I don’t recall. He teaches entrepreneurial skills through his schools all across the world, helping thousands to become successful themselves. While his Success (S) is very high, he has a lower opinion of his Personal Success (PS), the reason being his extremely high expectations for himself. And why are his expectations so high? What is his standard? His roommate in college was Elon Musk. He compares himself to his roommate and not to someone like me.

Some successful people feel like failures because someone they respect has had more Success, or a loved one has demanded more Success from them. Neither instance should steal personal Success from them.

Summary

Success is really in the eye of the beholder. When that eye looks in the mirror, maybe Personal Success is more important, regardless of potential. We have choices and opportunities. Successful individuals make smart choices and are aware of the opportunities afforded them. If you are making a positive difference in the world, you are successful. If you enjoy that Success, then you are personally successful.

How to help:

Environment: parents have the responsibility to make their child’s environment as helpful to them as possible. Education, health, safety, encouragement, etc.
Personality: be aware of your child’s strengths and weaknesses. Encourage strength, give help with any weaknesses, and get them professional advice when necessary.
Expectations: This is a tricky one. A parent wants to encourage them to do their best. But don’t put pressure on them to overachieve because it will backfire. Everyone can be the best meeting their capabilities, but not everyone can be a rocket scientist, brain surgeon, or best-selling author.

Note: PS = S/Ex (no, I did not intend to have Sex in this article, but if it drives you to read it, okay!)

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“What, Me Worry?”

2/17/2020

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Alfred E. Neuman of "MAD Magazine"

The title is a quote from the fictional character, Alfred E. Neuman of MAD Magazine, characterized as a young man who you may assume, by his looks, was too dumb to worry. While I believe the ignorance of some things will keep you from worry, ignorance will also cause you to worry.

My wife, Kathy, asked me the other day, “What do you worry about?” She asked out of exasperation because she feels she has the burden of worry while I get off scot-free. That’s not fair in her mind. Well, it may not be fair - but that’s not my fault. Worry is an affliction that is allowed to happen.

I was not born immune to worry. I just got over it years ago because I had to change. As a kid, I worried about everything, and there was a lot to worry about. I worried about my father’s alcoholism, about our bills being paid, about school issues, about my parents when they argued, and about the bullies that lay in wait. As the oldest of six, I worried about my siblings and what they were getting into. My siblings, on the other hand, never seemed to worry about anything – so I knew what Kathy was thinking.

I didn’t get over my worry sickness until I was in my thirties. It took a severe case of unnecessary burdens and misplaced apprehension to bring me to the point of actually analyzing it. It’s all very simple, really, and I’ll get into that a bit - being a total layman. What is not simple is accepting the idea of not worrying, even more difficult for those who have naturally occurring anxiety issues, confidence issues, etc. However, I ask you remaining worriers to think about a few things.

One of the most important facts to consider is this essential point. Practicing suffering (in your imagination) will never ease any conceivable actual suffering! So why do it? You can place yourself or a loved one in the most horrible of imagined situations and some suffering will come. But that is not preparation, that’s insanity! Why would you do that to yourself? Would you ever hit yourself in the head with a hammer to see if you could live through it? If you did, and you survived, you would find that, 1) it’s never going to happen anyway and, 2) if it did, it would hurt just as much as the first time. Practice does not make perfect when it comes to suffering. It will not be easier for you.

If you are afraid of your child learning to drive because you worry about them being in an accident, those imaginations will not stop an accident from occurring. A better word than ‘worry’ is ‘concern.’ While a ‘worried’ person thinks of ‘bad’ things happening, a ‘concerned’ person thinks of ‘good’ things that will prevent those terrible things. Good things to do in this example is to demand the use of seat belts, having rules to follow when driving, certainly no drinking or texting, a driving safety course, etc. If you can do something about something that troubles you, do it! If not, let it pass on through and out of your consciousness.

Worry is frightening and exhausting while concern is being alert, resulting in preventive action. Remember that sentence when your child is sick or being bullied on the internet. The bulk of Kathy’s worries are regarding our grandchildren. The bulk of my concerns are regarding my grandchildren. Neither her worries nor my concerns involve anything that can’t be overcome by any of them. We’re just being grandparents. The difference is my concerns are addressed while Kathy’s worries keep her awake. As I wrote in “The Power of Dadhood’- “Prevention is easier than correction!” Concern, put it action, is prevention.

Some good quotes on ‘Worry’:

“Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything; it just messes with your mind and steals your happiness.”
“99% of the things you worry about don’t even happen.”
“The less you worry, the less complicated life becomes.”
“If the cost of worry is your peace, then it’s too expensive.”

The quotes above (and many versions thereof) are all anonymous. The reason for that, I believe, is because they are accurate and said by many wise people. We may be surprised by how many others would trade their troubles for ours. We look up because of envy, forgetting that others envy us.

What if?

So, you say to me, “I was worried about something, and it happened!” But what of it? Maybe you thought and worried enough for it to come about. Perhaps you should have taken action because of concern, but worry paralyzed you. Would the incident have happened without your worries? Most likely! Another word we should use in place of worry when appropriate is sorrow. When bad things do happen, worry did not prevent it or make it easier. Sorrow shouldn’t be wasted on worry; worry should be minimized as much as possible

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All Dads are Fathers, Not All Fathers are Dads

1/6/2020

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Fathers miss out on being 'dads' for several reasons, but the most common are:

1) No fatherly example to follow or,
2) Being too busy

'Having no example to follow' can occur when growing up without a father or father figure, at least one worthy of following. That situation can be an excuse for a while, but any man can find help if they want it. I suggest looking for parenting books, blogs, or experienced friends. Or just be loving and available, and you will quickly learn.

'Being too busy' can be from a need to support one's family, but it can also be from being too selfish with one's time. The most important thing you can give your family is time! You must find a way.

Here's help

About three years ago, I wrote 16 differences between a father and a dad in a video slide presentation. In reviewing the video, these differences remain true and are critical for any father to understand. I encourage you to watch for the first time or the 16th time.

Knowing the differences between a father and a dad has the potential of being the most valuable 3 minutes and 32 seconds you will ever spend as a father (or mother). It’s quick! Even TV commercial breaks last longer than this video - so watch it while the toothpaste, beer, and ‘My Pillow’ ads play for the 10,000th time as you watch “Big Bang Theory” or "Friends" reruns (we all need down time).

Take Note!

Something not mentioned in the video is an important fact. A parent’s influence diminishes quickly over time! You cannot wait in your need to establish rules and values as habits your children will carry throughout their lives. If you haven’t been engaged, yet, and your child is 3, 8, 16, or 21 years old, you are way late, but engage anyway. It's never too late.

Thank you for following “Helping Fathers to be Dads” and reading “The Power of Dadhood.” I have seen how being loving, engaged, and involved in your children's lives means everything to your family. I have also seen what occurs when that doesn't happen. Choose to be a Dad!

Mike Smith

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A Six-Year-Old Christmas on Steroids!

12/16/2019

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What kid doesn’t like Christmas? My four grandchildren certainly do, but I have a 6-year-old grandson, Ryan, who is crazy for the Christmas SEASON! Yes, I said season! He started his celebration on or before November 14th when he serenaded me on his toy guitar, singing Christmas tunes (see video below). The Thanksgiving turkey was still warm when his excitement accelerated faster than my Tesla. He was ready for the decorations, Christmas Specials, snow, music, and especially the spirit of it all. His grandmother, charged up with his enthusiasm, decided to invite Ryan and his 4-year-old sister Juliette to help us put up our tree – way too soon for my liking. They came over, dressed in Christmas jammies with Ryan donning a Santa hat.

As Christmas music played in the background, Ryan and Juliette decorated the bottom third of the tree. Then, Ryan noticed the imbalance and brought a stepladder over, whistling and swinging his head back and forth, shoulder to shoulder to “One Horse Open Sleigh.” Kathy (grandma) laid a Christmas cover at the bottom of the tree, and Ryan exclaimed, “That’s a new one, Yady! (Kathy’s grandma name – long story). I remember last year it was a green one with gold trim.” Indeed, he was correct. I would never have noticed. They slept over and spent the night watching Christmas shows on Netflix and slept with red and green lights on dim.

Of course, their Christmas tree had not yet been decorated, so Ryan and Juliette begged their parents to put it up. The next time we went to his house Ryan, with a big reveal, showing it all with pride, bouncing up and down on his toes as he gave us the grand tour, grinning from ear to ear. It was beautiful, decked out with their favorite ornaments hung with care with only one or two ornaments having fallen. Their tree even rotates, and below is a train that circles with smoke and a whistle, operated by – guess who? One day after school, Ryan wrote a six page book entitled, “How to Decorate a Christmas Tree” – self illustrated!

On our annual Cookie Day, their cousins, Malia and Rosemary, joined Ryan and Juliette - all wearing holiday pajamas. More Christmas music, Ryan dancing to “Jingle Bell Rock,” and all decorating cookies. My two daughters and their husbands had holiday parties to go to that evening, and all four kids stayed overnight. It was a long day! The kids were all into the Christmas spirit and I wondered, “Do they know there are three more weeks to go?”

That night we watched the movie, “Elf” and the kids laughed with glee at the huge elf trying to take a shower in the elf-size shower. Kathy had gifts for them to open, ornaments from Europe where we had just traveled, slippers and more PJs, holiday-themed, of course. Already, presents! Ryan bragged about how many places there would be for him to open presents. He counted five locations, which included our farmhouse, where the entire family celebrates Christmas Eve. I told him I was lucky if I ever had five presents to open, forget five locations! Every year Ryan makes sure we play Christmas Bingo at the farmhouse (B-elf, G-Christmas Wreath, O-ornament, etc.), and the winner gets a “Dollar Store” present. All the kids love it!

Kathy and I watch Ryan and Juliette before school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. One morning they were so excited to show us what they had in their rooms! Their parents had bought each of them a four-foot Christmas tree. They had decorated them to their particular tastes and couldn’t wait to show them off. Two days later, when we went back, Ryan had set up an Alexa Echo under his tree and would listen to Christmas music each morning as he got dressed – and more Christmas music when he got home. Yady helped the kids to make a Christmas chain out of red and green construction paper, starting with 22 links. I was a bit surprised they had waited this long. Every day Ryan wears a red shirt to school to celebrate the season. Yady spoiled him with two more new red shirts to augment his wardrobe.

Ryan and Juliette couldn’t wait for Cha-Cha to show up. That’s their name for their ‘Elf on a Shelf.’ Now, when we come in the mornings, Ryan and Juliette race to show us where they found him that morning. Ryan pretends he’s an Elf with the name ‘Elmo’ and Juliette’s (4 yrs) is ‘Chuck E. Cheese’. Ryan even has a sign on his bedroom door announcing whether the Elf is ‘in’ or ‘out’.

They got to see Santa a couple of days ago - major highlight! Christmas morning will be ‘Crazyville’! Now mind you; there are nine more days before Christmas Day. Remember how long nine days were when you were a kid? Ryan seems to not care for the wait; after all, the SEASON will be over, and what fun is that?

His birthday is New Years’ Day. His parents are so happy it’s only a week of anticipation!

Merry Christmas!
Oh, and don’t forget to check out Ryan’s singing, below!

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Reading to Your Children is Next to Feeding Them

11/18/2019

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Have you ever found a baby or toddler that isn’t fascinated when you read to them? As for myself, I have not. They love everything about it. The attention, the pictures, your voice, the magic and wonder of words on a page having meaning, the characters and stories themselves are all quite spellbinding and together become a symphony of learning.

I’m not going to quote research here. Let’s go with common sense and experience. Reading, as they say, is fundamental to learning and communication. The earlier you introduce books to the developing mind of a child, the quicker and easier the synapses of the brain connect, promoting understanding, and a desire for more stimulation.

Due to unfortunate circumstances, neither my siblings nor I were read to - neither did we have much access to books. As a result, I had no interest in reading anything outside of school until I was in my thirties. I found my curiosity lacked stimulation because of this. Of my five siblings, there is not one that is much of a reader. It affected not just our informal education, but our formal schooling. All of my siblings quit school before getting a high school degree, although a couple went back to school later in life. It had much to do with not having an interest in reading, making school subsequently less appealing, and more challenging to succeed.

So I advise with enthusiasm to start early, read often! Reading to babies helps build bonds with books, wonder, and the reader. Vocabularies improve, and a habit of learning sinks in as a consequence. When reading a story becomes part of the bedtime routine, your child will ensure this happens every night. Spend time on photos and illustrations, connecting the words to the visual story. Ask them questions to make them think and to have them be involved in the story.

My heart swells when I see my 4 or 6-year-old grandchild sitting with a book alone. I find the four-year-old reading her books from memory, and with expression, which reminds me to read with expression myself. My eleven-year-old granddaughter was bitten early with the reading bug with the help of her parents. She has read every Harry Potter book, some twice, and many, many others. She is in the 5th grade but already understands at a first-year university level. Her world is so much bigger than the world I knew as an eleven-year-old. All my grandchildren’s curiosities are through the roof!

I wonder what more I could have accomplished with a reading background from my childhood? It took me quite a while to catch up with my peers in aspects beyond education. I read much more as an older adult, but my wife will read 4-5 books to each one of mine. I’m still a slow reader, but I found how much I can grow and have grown from reading and enjoy every moment of it.

Do it! Starting now if you haven’t already. Read to your kids and let them read to you! It is truly a great way to connect and such an easy and essential gift to give, and it includes the whole world!

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