Category: Family

The Nuclear Family – For Children, It’s ‘Best for Most’

2/1/2021

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There are many anti-family forces in our society. Even the heavily supported (by many progressives and even many high tech companies) BLM organization does not support the nuclear family.

I’ll narrow in on an article in The Atlantic written by David Brooks. “The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake,” he wrote, “The family structure we’ve held up as the cultural ideal for the past half-century has been a catastrophe for many. It’s time to figure out better ways to live together.”

This article is long and well researched, but with conclusions that confuse me. I’ll mention a few.

First of all:

Per Brooks. “The shift from bigger and interconnected extended families to smaller and detached nuclear families ultimately led to a familial system that liberates the rich and ravages the working-class and the poor.”
The assumption is that you don’t have to lean on the extended family as much if you are successful, and you won’t connect. While this may be true, he suggests it ties people through need, not love. Furthermore, the extended families of poor people are usually poor themselves, without the means to help. I find my extended family wants my involvement. All I have to do is show love and interest.

Brooks states, “Among the highly educated, family patterns are almost as stable as they were in the 1950s; among the less fortunate, family life is often utter chaos. There’s a reason for that divide: Affluent people have the resources to effectively buy extended family, in order to shore themselves up.”

DUH! The problem lies in the fact that coming from a chaotic family creates more chaotic families that continue to struggle. It requires a child of “less fortunate” families to take matters into their own hands to break free from the struggle. They often have to do it independently because their extended family will not be capable of helping or cheering them on - because they are chaotic. Is it difficult for a child from a poor, chaotic family to break free? No! It’s not difficult to do; it’s just difficult to realize when in that environment!

The Brookings Institute found that these three simple rules will help one avoid poverty:

Graduating from high school.
Waiting to get married until after 21 and do not have children till after being married.
Having a full-time job.

If you do all those three things, your chance of falling into poverty is just 2 percent. Meanwhile, you’ll have a 74 percent chance of being in the middle class, becoming one of the more affluent families. You will create a ‘breakaway from poverty family,’ and your children will have the advantages other affluent families enjoy, therefore helping to grow a more self-sufficient society. Brooks, to me, is a ‘chicken or the egg’ argument. What comes first, affluence, then success, or success, then affluence? Wealth can bring success with its advantages. But success from good ideas like the three steps above can bring wealth. Being highly educated is undoubtedly advantageous for success, but not being stupid (or remaining ignorant) is an even more significant advantage.

Secondly:

Nuclear families are successful, “so long as women are relegated to the household.”
I live next to a large neighborhood where both of my daughters also reside. This neighborhood is full of nuclear families where both parents work while others choose to have one parent stay home with their younger children. I know many of these families through my daughters, and they seem to thrive. Yes, they are relatively but not significantly affluent, but these mothers are not relegated to the household. Of course, there are challenges. Women should not be ‘relegated’ to motherhood if that’s what you call it (I don’t). Neither should motherhood be belittled. Maybe the father stays home as many more do these days. Maybe neighbors and relatives help with the children, or one or both parents work part-time. Allowing your younger children to learn socialization skills in pre-school is also helpful, allowing parents time for other activities. Neither mom nor dad nor child can have everything they want at once.

Having a well-balanced family requires sacrifices, just like any other endeavor. Maybe your dreams of travel, writing a novel, or big promotions may have to wait. To do so means you have found that raising human beings as successful people is just as important and impressive as becoming CFO or ‘employee of the month,’ assuming you have that talent in the first place - because not everyone does. Are you crying about not being able to chase your dreams? Then don’t have children. If you already have them, be patient; they will only take up 20-30% of your life - and they deserve being a priority. Parents can work it out by balancing, not pouting.

Lastly:

“For many people, the era of the nuclear family has been a catastrophe. All forms of inequality are cruel, but family inequality may be the cruelest. It damages the heart.”

This statement may be true, but do we want to throw the baby out with the bathwater? Do we want to eliminate the nuclear family, so dysfunctional families don’t have to feel bad for themselves? We would love equal and fair outcomes for all, but life is not fair, not all people work as hard as others, and bad luck can come to any of us.

It was difficult and maybe cruel for my siblings and me to be raised in a dysfunctional family as we were. However, most of us now have functional families of our own—those who don’t are not blaming anyone outside of the family. Certainly, none of us blamed successful families for the deeds we performed, causing distress within our own family.

Summary:

There are many more conclusions in the Brooks article with which I beg to differ. When it comes down to it, it depends on what lens you choose to view these issues that ultimately drive your conclusions. But beyond my thoughts and biases is common sense. While not possible for all, is not a nuclear family the best way for most children to thrive? The ‘best’ for ‘most’? Not the best for all, or the worst for some, but the ‘best for most’? I don’t consider that opinion. I consider it self-evident

#powerofdadhood

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Why Do Lost Boys Look to Gangs?

1/4/2021

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Gangs: Acceptance vs. Values

What is it that draws boys (or girls for that matter) to gangs? For some young people, acceptance is more important than the values a civilized society expects of them.

Acceptance

Most individuals want acceptance and will perform in ways to get it. Sometimes they will act in foolish ways to get it. In families, an individual's acceptance or feeling of belonging should be natural--but not without limits. If limits do not exist for or from a family member, then caring for that family member does not exist. One indication of caring or acceptance is getting attention; without it, there is no recognition of worth in the view of the one not receiving it. This situation creates an over-riding hunger for approval and belonging!

Quoting Mother Theresa, "The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread." In fact, a serving of bread can fill a stomach, but it takes time and much love to fill a heart.

Let's assume a boy, as an example, is in a home where the father is physically or emotionally missing. Let's also assume this boy has a loving mother to isolate the issue. This boy will have an emotional void whether he realizes it or not. A boy wants to become a man, not just biologically, but emotionally and just as importantly, in the eyes of society. He needs a proper mentor to do this because a mentor will praise a child's efforts leading to positive social values and condemn acts that hurt the child or others.

As stated by Jordan Peterson in 12 Rules for Life, "Sometimes, when people have a low opinion of their self-worth—or, perhaps, when they refuse responsibility for their lives –they choose a new acquaintance, of precisely the type who proved troublesome in the past. Such people don't believe that they deserve any better—so they don't go looking for it. Or, perhaps, they don't want the trouble of better."

Why might father-starved youth have a low opinion of themselves, or why do they seek the easy way out in life? In an obvious or even an obscure way, being rejected by a parent will significantly impact a child's personality, self-image, and self-esteem--and not in a positive way. It will forever determine how they relate and are accepted by and blend with others. This desire for acceptance and validation is one of the most potent motivating forces known to man. When parents don't do this for their child, it creates a void that needs resolution.

What does an involved father do for a child? In Fatherless Society by David Blankenhorn, Quadrant, 12/1/1997, he states clearly,

"Fatherhood is a social role that obligates men to their biological offspring. For two reasons, it is society's most important role for men. First, Fatherhood, more than any other male activity, helps men to become good men: more likely to obey the law, to be good citizens, and to think about the needs of others. Put more abstractly; Fatherhood bends maleness - in particular, male aggression - toward prosocial purposes. Second, Fatherhood privileges children. In this respect, Fatherhood is a social invention designed to supplement maternal investment in children with paternal investment in children.
Paternal investment enriches children in four ways. First, it provides them with a father's physical protection. Second, it provides them with a father's money and other material resources. Third, and probably most important, it provides them with what might be termed paternal cultural transmission: a father's unique capacity to contribute to the identity, character, and competence of his children. Fourth, and most obviously, paternal investment provides children with the day-to-day nurturing - feeding them, playing with them, telling them a story - that they want and need from both of their parents. In virtually all human societies, children's well-being depends decisively upon a relatively high level of paternal investment."

Further, from 'ScienceDaily,' "A father's love contributes as much -- and sometimes more -- to a child's development as does a mother's love. That is one of many findings in a new large-scale analysis of research about the power of parental rejection and acceptance in shaping our personalities as children and into adulthood."

From The Power of Dadhood:

"It is in the home where;

Children should learn kindness, goodness, values, discipline, and manners.
Children should find understanding, caring, and comfort.
Successful lives should begin -- with open minds, encouragement, and love.
Compassion should exist, where the safety nets of our children's failures are made of rubber bands, ready to sling them back into the world — stronger, wiser, and with new momentum."

So back to the question, "What is it that draws boys (or girls for that matter) to gangs?" A study by Stanley S. Taylor, California State University in 2013 entitled "Why American Boys Join Street Gangs," stated this;

"All of the psychosocial histories of gang members in this study were diverse, however there were several underlying consistent themes prevalent in each members life history (1) frustration and anxiety stemming from family problems such as fatherlessness, (2) sadness, frustration, and anxiety in home life (3) the feeling that they wanted an end to the frustration (4) expression of hostility through defiance of authority in the industry versus inferiority stage and physical violence in the identity versus role and confusion stage of psychosocial development and, (5) misconduct at school, mostly for fighting or bullying schoolmates, and (6) gang membership as a salient opportunity for peer recognition in their immediate neighborhood and community."

When Taylor's conditions exist, gangs can provide some of what is missing in a young man's life. Gangs give a young man a chance at acknowledgment and status, but he has to prove himself before he can belong. He must adopt the values of that gang, and if he does, he will find the acceptance and respect that alluded him in the past. But how do the values of a gang differ from the values of a nurturing family?

Values

Goodness, fairness, honesty, helpfulness are all values that are common in successful families. These values are missing in gangs. But the desire to belong and be a part of a group is strong enough to place any common values you may have had or never learned in the rearview mirror when acceptance to a gang requires new covenants. Here are a few examples.

Toughness

Toughness as a value in a family situation would mean not giving in to peer pressure or trying even harder in tough times.
But in a gang, toughness is defined by how unafraid you project yourself or how dominant you can be, which often leads to violence.

Smartness

Smartness as a family value is common sense and one's academic achievements or judging or making the right decisions.
In a gang, smartness is the ability to outsmart or 'con' another person, i.e., cheating, taking advantage of others' weakness, conning people, and petty thievery are the hallmarks of a 'smart' gang member.

Enjoyment

Enjoyment in a family atmosphere would include reading, watching movies, playing sports, etc.
A gang's idea of enjoyment too often includes gambling, sexual adventures, drugs, and alcohol.

As I stated in The Power of Dadhood, 'prevention' is so much easier than 'correction' when it is about your children's attitudes and behavior, and it must be taught as early in their lives as they can understand it.

Summary

A kid with a supportive family, constant encouragement, and self-worth can be resilient to adversity and negativity. He will feel comfortable in his skin and have the strength to be himself and uphold the values taught to him that he holds to be true. He has the confidence of a worthwhile person, as shown to him most often and best by his family.

Without group support, he will often find himself alone and with little self-worth. Low self-worth begets devastatingly low ambition and an unwillingness to crawl out of the hole he finds themselves in. That hole is dug deep by an unsupportive environment, a missing father, a busy mother, and non-existent mentors. Tragically, it is the support of a gang that may fill the gaps in all the wrong ways.

Without a supportive family or role model, a kid cannot say 'no' when 'no' needs to be said, i.e., when expected to do something against their inner voice. When support comes from a gang, a kid cannot say 'yes' when opportunity outside the gang exists. Trapped by a code forced upon him to remain a gang member, it will take much convincing to trust support outside of the gang to have a purposeful life.

* Note: "…..gangs tend to propel youths into a life of crime, punctuated by arrests, convictions, and periods of incarceration. The costs to society are enormous. Each assault-related gunshot injury costs the public approximately $1 million. A single adolescent criminal career of about ten years can cost taxpayers between $1.7 and $2.3 million."

* https://www.nationalgangcenter.gov/Content/Documents/Impact-of-Gangs-on-Communities.pdf

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Our Military and First Responder Parents!

11/23/2020

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We show love in many ways. Often, love is shown through sacrifice, as we see when parents have to be away from their children to feed and support them. Doctors have busy hours, salespeople have to travel, and some people have to work two jobs to keep up with life necessities.

I want to bring up the sacrifices of parents who are also our first responders and military. They, too, have to be away long hours to support their families, but they are also helping us while they are doing so. Police, firefighters, and our military personnel are true heroes who take on dangerous burdens to protect us all. So few watching over and protecting so many. For instance, only 4 in 1000 citizens are on active duty military. Most towns and cities have but one police officer or firefighter per hundreds of people in their responsible area. We often forget sacrifices made by the families of these men and women - who have to share their husbands, wives, or parents for the safety and security of those in their community. The large majority of us appreciate what they do for us, and we support them back with our thanks and appreciation.

I am on the board of a charity that supports the children of patriots. It’s called “Little Patriots Embraced.” The support and encouragement we provide is our way of thanking military families for sharing their loved ones. I invite you to click on the link to learn more about what we do for these families.

Many companies and organizations show appreciation through discounts for these families. It comes in handy because these defenders do not make much money for the good that they do. These discounts are a helpful and straightforward way to show our appreciation. As a veteran myself, I have been afforded discounts at restaurants, hotels, memberships, and retail stores. Military discounts aren’t always advertised, so always ask.

There is a new app available called Defender’s Gateway. It’s free to all military and first responders, finding businesses that offer military and first responders discounts. The app will give you the business telephone number, address, directions, a description, and the discount amount. You can even find a job through this app. Businesses know former military members are some of the best candidates out there. Defender’s Gateway is adding businesses every day.

If you have a friend or loved one who is a first responder or retired/active military, thank them for their service even if you have done so before. Let them know about Defender’s Gateway. Also try to support businesses that outwardly support the military, for example, Starbucks, Verizon, Nestle-Purina, Coca-Cola, and Anhueser-Busch. These are just a few. And don’t forget charities that support our fallen police, firefighters, and military. When we support each other, we are stronger!

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9 Tips for Working Remotely When You Have Kids at Home

11/16/2020

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Note: Credit for this very helpful post goes to Lacie Martin of Raisethemwell.org

Image via Pexels

Counting those who run a home-based business and those who are telecommuting because of the pandemic, there are millions of Americans working from home right now. And many of these are parents whose kids are at home throughout the day. So if you find yourself in this situation, you’re not alone. You also probably know how stressful it can be as you’re trying to balance a full-time career with a full-time family.

The truth is that there are really no ways to completely eliminate the stress that comes with the responsibilities of remote work and parenting. But you can learn how to minimize the stress, navigate challenges, and establish harmony between your work and home life. From creating a daily schedule to planning family outings to reading The Power of Dadhood, here are nine ways to thrive when working from home with kids.

1. Adopt a morning routine.

How you begin your day is crucial. If you get off to a solid start, it can help you to be more confident and mentally engaged throughout the rest of the day. Find a morning routine that works for you and sets you up to be productive. As a parent, this will likely involve you getting your kids ready for the day. But make sure to carve in time for yourself, whether that means working out, writing in your journal, having coffee, or eating a healthy breakfast.

2. Establish a solid schedule and structure.

Aside from the morning, you’ll also want to find a good schedule for your workday. This is particularly key since you're working from home—where you're naturally inclined to be more relaxed. Figure out your kids’ schedules, what times of day you are most productive, and how to break up your tasks. Then, try to establish a structure that helps you eliminate distractions and stay focused on your work.

3. Keep the kids happy

Some of your kids’ time may be taken up by schoolwork (which you might need to take part in as well). But what will they do in all the other hours of the day while you’re trying to hone in on your daily tasks?

Find fun and educational activities to keep your kids busy so that you can concentrate. For instance, there are tons of enriching online games these days. Make sure your child has a laptop, such as a Google Chromebook, and introduce them to some of these games. Just be sure to invest in good antivirus software to protect all of your home’s networks and devices.

4. Don’t work after hours.

Once you create a good work schedule, make sure you abide by it. One thing about working from home is that you are only seconds away from your office at any given time. Don’t give in to the temptation to finish up that project or send that email after you’ve clocked out for the day. Otherwise, you can sabotage your efforts to find balance and miss out on quality self-care/family time.

5. Do fun stuff with the family.

While it’s true that your family must come first, the reality is that you need to work so that your family can thrive. However, if you want a good balance in your work and home life, you must actually make time to do things with your family. Whether it’s planning a weekend getaway at the beach or the mountains, going for a day hike, or taking the occasional workday off for an impromptu activity, nothing can replace good experiences with loved ones.

6. Make space for your work.

That said, you have to prioritize your work to some degree, and creating a home office is a significant step towards that. Choose a location in your home that will help you to minimize distractions, such as a spare bedroom or garage. And make sure the space will provide plenty of room for your equipment, storage, and other necessities.

7. Equip your home office.

Once you’ve chosen space for your home office, start outfitting it with equipment. This includes the basics like a desk, office chair, and laptop or desktop computer. You also want to ensure that you have a fast and reliable Internet connection, as well as any other equipment necessary for your day-to-day tasks.

8. Stay organized

Organization is key when it comes to productivity. After all, it can be hard to produce good work consistently when your workspace is messy and dirty. Spend at least one day a week deep cleaning your office, and keep clutter at bay every day. Look for decorative storage solutions to organize your items, and be sure to keep any cords and wires out of sight so that you can enjoy a clean and seamless office space.

9. Remember self-care.

Lastly, you must take care of yourself. This is especially important when you’re trying to balance a full-time career with a full-time family. While it may seem like there’s not enough time in the day, you must leave room in your schedule for relaxing activities, whether that means doing meditation and yoga, taking a hot bath, picking up a hobby, or doing some other activity that reduces stress and makes you happy. If you want a relaxing activity that teaches you about parenting techniques, start reading Helping Fathers to be Dads.

And of course, it’s essential to keep up with your overall health and well-being. The most basic ways to accomplish this is to eat a healthy diet, exercise regularly, and get plenty of sleep.

If your kids are at home and you're working remotely full-time, you must figure out how to strike a healthy balance so that you can succeed at both and enjoy life. Along with considering the tips listed here, be sure to remain open-minded to other ways that you can reduce stress, boost productivity, and foster relationships with loved ones. Then you’ll put yourself in a position to take full advantage of the privilege of remote work!

If you would like to find more practical, insightful guidance on parenting, visit michaelbyronsmith.com today!

Grandparents can also work at home with grandchildren. The Note says, "Papa is frustrated and does not listen to rules" : )

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Social Influencers and Parenting

10/26/2020

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There is this thing I've heard about recently (yeah, I'm old) where certain people influence others to lean one way or another on specific topics. Logically, they are called 'Social Influencers.' Paris Hilton was a social influencer, as are the Kardashians. But have you heard of Logan Paul or Jenna Marbles?

As a parent, I suggest you ask your preteen and teen children to name their favorite 'Social Influencers.' They have them, whether they know it or not. These appointed or self-appointed 'know-it-alls' are found on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Snapchat, etc. Not all of them are negative, many are positive, but they are all biased in good and bad ways. Influencers are like commercials for opinions and thought.

You may know some, if not all, of your children's 'non-media' influencers. Some are good, like most teachers and well-adjusted friends. Others are bad, from troubled kids to sketchy relatives to bad parents. But you may be clueless about these semi-celebrity influencers. They don't have to be famous to you to be influencers - and many are not. I'm not even sure how they come to be influential except that they stand out in some way.

Don't take chances with your kids' futures. Know who is telling them what to think and do! After all, parents should be the most influential people in their children's lives, assuming they do it correctly. Areas of parental influence include being responsible, showing respect, and preparing for their futures. But parents must give time and effort to understanding their roles in bringing up children to be responsible adults.

To be that positive and nurturing parent, take care to balance your parenting skills. I list the following to help you reconsider your parenting methodologies. Are you guilty of any of these?

Too much making rules and not enough enforcing rules.
Too much protection and not enough exposure.
Too much explaining and not enough letting them figure it out.
Too much mom and not enough dad.
Too much punishment and not enough discipline.
Too much reaction and not enough patience.
Too much helping and doing for them and not enough instruction.
Too much routine and not enough special times.
Too much getting and not enough giving.
Too much 'unearned' praise and not enough challenges.
Too much idle time and not enough constructive time. (Some families)
Too much activity and not enough family time. (Other families)
Too much giving what kids want and not enough giving what they need.
Too much saying and not enough doing.
Too much media and not enough discussion.
Too much trust and not enough verifying.
Too much fixing and not enough prevention.
Too much enabling and not enough character building.
Too much day-to-day and not enough one-on-one.

And lastly, do you have too little understanding of your children and what appeals to them? Know their influencers and what your children hear from them. This point gets too little attention and can cause significant harm to your children and harm your relationship with them.

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Notes and Quotes for Dads

10/12/2020

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My father was not a good father. I learned much about fathering by watching him and, when I became a dad myself, I tried to do every fatherly act he didn't do.

I still loved him and longed for his attention as a boy. Knowing the magnitude and impact of the loss of fatherly advice, guidance, and simple attention, I wrote notes and observations on fatherhood for my extended family. These observations became a book, "The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs."

I want to pull some lines from my book, giving you an idea of my passion for the importance of involved fathering. I'd then like to share some quotes on fathering from other authors, famous people, and great minds as further encouragement, hoping they will give depth and meaning you the most important role a man can have.

* * *
From: "The Power of Dadhood"

On a father's mission and attention:

"No man is a failure who has helped a child, especially his own. The greatest single gift a man can give his children is his attention. It seems so simple, but somehow it is lost in its simplicity. There is no excuse for not trying your best to be a good father. There are reasons, obstacles, and hardships, but no excuses."

On Helping Fathers to be Dads:

"While some men thrive naturally as fathers, there are too many who don't, and the results can be disastrous. We must not judge these men because we don't know what they've been through, how they were raised, or how they see things as a unique personality. But they could use a mentor, especially if their father was not there for them."

Learning from other dads:

"I learned so much from my father. I learned from him that I needed to get an education. I learned that people would judge me by my actions and react to me according to my attitude. I learned the importance of reliability and trust. These things I learned from him because he demonstrated how difficult life can be without them."

Impact on Society:

"Almost all of society's ills can be traced to people whose family lives were in turmoil. Often the turmoil started with an absent or uncaring father."

The Truth:

"You are the only true father your children will ever have, but you are not alone. Your children are waiting for you. Their mother is longing for your help. Society is cheering for your success. Fathers who are true Dads are always ready to talk to you."

Fatherhood quotes from authors, leaders, and great minds:

"But there's no substitute for a full-time dad. Dads who are fully engaged with their kids overwhelmingly tend to produce children who believe in themselves and live full lives." Tony Dungy

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection." Sigmund Freud

"As an educator, I've seen the positive influence that fathers have on their children." Nicoline Ambe, Being Dad

"My dad encouraged us to fail. Growing up, he would ask us what we failed at that week. If we didn't have something, he would be disappointed. It changed my mindset at an early age that failure is not the outcome, failure is not trying. Don't be afraid to fail." Sara Blakely

"When I was a kid, I used to imagine animals running under my bed. I told my dad, and he solved the problem quickly. He cut the legs off the bed." Lou Brock

"Being a father is about adaptation and about making the most of the opportunities that are given to you." Colin Adams, Parenting for New Dads

"A daughter needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men." Gregory E. Lang

"Being a father is the most rewarding thing a man whose career has plateaued can do." Aristotle

"Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person." Naveen Jain

"Listen, there is no way any true man is going to let children live around him in his home and not discipline and teach, fight and mold them until they know all he knows. His goal is to make them better than he is. Being their friend is a distant second to this." Victor Devlin

"It is a wise father that know his own child." William Shakespeare

"The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent." Frank Pittman

"Being a father means you have to think fast on your feet. You must be judicious, wise, brave, tender, and willing to put on a frilly hat and sit down to a pretend tea party." Matthew Buckley, Fatherhood: The Manliest Profession

"...that the most precious things a father can provide are time, attention, and love." Tim Russert, Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons

"Fatherly love is the act of giving your life for the sake of someone else's needs." Nate Dallas, Hacking Fatherhood: Preparing For Success in the Biggest Role of Your Life

"No amount of money can be paid for the relationship between a father and his sons and a father and his daughters." Willie Williams, 7 Steps to Parenting Power

"My father taught me that the only way you can make good at anything is to practice, and then practice some more." Pete Rose

"Studies show that when a baby, child, or teenager has a good father, that child will soar." Meg Meeker, MD

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." Mark Twain

"One of the greatest needs of this age is for responsible and committed fathers." Bishop Charles Edward Blake Sr.

Summary

Thank you for your interest in fatherhood, or 'Dadhood' as I like to call fatherhood with involvement, mentoring, nurturing, and demonstrating love.

Dadhood = fatherhood + nurturing + demonstrated love

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Why I Wrote a Book

8/31/2020

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The author and his book.

My father and I didn’t do many things together. He did, however, occupy my thoughts often as I struggled through the first few decades of my life, eventually moving into the background by my fortieth year. But his ghost returned as I neared retirement – by choice. I decided I wanted to make something out of his wasted life, at least as a husband and father. Maybe, through me, he could help other fathers to become dads.

It took many years to capture and organize my thoughts. My memories were hazy. The gaps in time and space were epic. But that didn’t matter, not as much as my lack of writing experience. My studies were of numbers and engineering, not words. I wrote mostly in bullet format, random thoughts, a little philosophizing, and a lot of chaotic rambling. When I thought I had finished, I dropped my collection of words to my oldest daughter, a Summa Cum Laude graduate of the University of Missouri’s School of Journalism. She gave it back to me, saying, “Dad, you have to organize this!” She was right!

Three or four more years, many rewrites, a writing coach, and three editors later, spending a small boatload of money I’ll never recover, I was finished. Even more shocking, I found a publisher willing to take a chance of what I had written. It is entitled, “The Power of Dadhood – How to Become the Father Your Child Needs.”

I was not too fond of the subtitle. It was the publisher’s idea, and who was I to argue? The publisher, Familius LLC, was giving me the chance of a lifetime, at least as an author. My thoughts had always been self-publishing, but here was a publisher that was giving me legitimacy! The reason I didn’t care for the subtitle is that every father is the father his child needs, but not every father knows how to do it well. Even the finest of men who give their all to a child as a step-father, mentor, or surrogate will be compared to a child’s ‘what-if’ biological father.

My book has sold a few thousand copies over the years. Not bad for a first-time author. It’s even been translated into simplified Chinese. But I will never come out ahead financially, and that’s okay. There’s a quote that I can’t remember, but it goes something like this, “Anyone who writes and loses money is a fool.” Well, I raise my hand as I place my court jester hat on my head! I wrote this book initially for my family, extended family, and our future generations – but then I decided I wanted to share with anyone who would take time to read it.

So, I wrote this book to help families! Society improves one child at a time. If that is, the child is loved, mentored, and raised by involved and passionate parents. Its hard work, but not difficult. It's the first duty of every parent. As neglected children decrease, a balanced and caring society will grow, and all our fortunes will be raised!

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Fathers are Rain – Mothers are Soil

8/24/2020

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Photo by author

Fathers have an enormous advantage over just about any other category of people. Mothers get more attention (those interviewed on TV always say “Hi Mom” not “Hi Dad,” and Mother’s Day is far more celebrated than Father’s Day), but it’s still true. To be accepted, all dads have to do is to be there. To be loved, all they have to do is smile and care. To be revered, all they have to do is support and encourage. A dad doesn’t need to be anyone but himself. He doesn’t have to be the same as the dad next door. A dad just has to be available--physically and mentally. Yet too many men fail to be contributing fathers!

In a metaphorical sense, fathers are ‘rain’ while mothers are ‘soil’. We notice the rain more than the soil. When it gently rains on a field of corn, it is something for which we are thankful. When the rain becomes a deluge and doesn’t let up, damage can occur, and it is cursed. When rain fails to come, the crops are in danger of growing improperly. But quietly, the soil does its job - incubating the seeds, allowing for roots and stability, and providing necessary nutrients. When soil and rain work together, crops are healthy and plentiful!

An excellent book for all men with daughters is Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker, M.D., a pediatrician who is an expert on the treatment of adolescents with medical and social problems. She writes:

“I have watched daughters talk to their fathers. When you come in the room, they change. Everything about them changes: their eyes, their mouths, their gestures, their body language. Daughters are never lukewarm in the presence of their fathers. They may take their mother for granted, but not you. They light up — or they cry. They watch you intensely. They hang on your words. They wait for your attention, and they wait for it in frustration — or in despair. They need a gesture of approval, a nod of encouragement, or even simple eye contact to let them know you care and are willing to help.”

With boys, their fathers are the example that their sons look to when they are learning to be men. In his book, Man Enough: Fathers, Sons and the Search for Masculinity Dr. Frank Pittman states,

“There was no secret to fathering, no magical answers about masculinity that are passed on from generation to generation. Boys learn to be men by being with their fathers, experiencing the world and living life. But if they haven’t had that experience, they may never feel comfortable with an awareness of what it means to be a man, what they are supposed to do with their masculinity, and how they can become fathers themselves.”

Of course, mothers have been the standard-bearer for parenting. They have shown to be the more reliable and nurturing parent throughout history. But mothers and fathers have different roles, often characterized by the steady hand of the mother and the stimulation of the father.

We know that both the soil and rain are necessary for the fields of corn to thrive. When rainfall is not sufficient, crops will not flourish. When the soil has little or no nutrients, the rain will have little impact on the crops being healthy. So it is with children! When fatherly attention is lacking, or motherly love is weak, children are at high risk for trouble or failure. When both of these situations exist, a child’s future is tragically burdened with predictable, and unfortunate results.

It is good for the family when parents have different strengths, because children have various needs that can vary from child to child. Of course, the metaphor is not perfect. Parental roles and family outcomes are not set in stone. But both parents are critical factors in the mental and physical health of their families even if the father is the soil, and the mother is the rain. Children want your attention and need your positive influence. Fathers mustn’t waste the advantage they naturally have with their daughters and sons. Mothers must encourage and appreciate what the fathers have to offer. Having happy children growing into responsible adults will likely be your most significant contribution to society.

May your crops be healthy and bountiful!

#powerofdadhood

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Our Life is our Painting

8/16/2020

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We all have different beginnings and different endings. While your beginning has little to do with you, your end has everything to do with you. But you are held back or boosted by your beginning. Suppose you were born to a poor, dysfunctional family. When your life is over, will you still be poor? Will you have lived in dysfunction? Or will you find some strength in yourself and make choices to pull yourself out? No doubt it will take more strength than someone born into a strong, stable family to get to a certain level of success. And maybe you will not achieve as much because of all you had to overcome. But the satisfaction comes in the overcoming.

Suppose, on the other hand, you were born into a family of means, where education was emphasized and opportunity abounded. Will you take full advantage and grow? Or will you become lazy and feed on your advantages, never doing much with them and passing on to your children less than you once had?

We come into this world with three things. First of all, we are born into a life situation. Where we are born, who we are born to, and the history of those to whom we are born to are circumstances beyond our control - yet very significant factors for our future. Secondly, we are given a unique personality. Whether that is as an introvert or extrovert, an optimist or a pessimist, some degree of intelligence, or many other factors, our personality is as unique as our face. Lastly, we are given choices. Every day of our lives, we are making choices. Sometimes, it seems as if our options are limited, but there will always be choices. However, those choices can be tough, painful, and often limited.

Canvas - Brush - Colors

A metaphor for the life situation into which we are born is a canvas. That canvas can be almost blank for some, dark for others, and beautiful for the fortunate among us. Once we are born, and our personality begins to reveal itself, we become a paintbrush with the ability to make our own mark onto the canvas. How we change that canvas, which is now our own, depends on our choices. Choices are the colors we choose for our brush, altering our canvas every day. Even non-action is a color, likely grey. Someday, we may become a parent, leaving a canvas for our children to begin their life.

As artists, we are not equally talented. Our canvas, at various stages of our lives, will become what we do with it. We have no control of the canvas we were given, little control of our paintbrush’s size or texture, but we can choose any colors we want of those before us. It’s up to us to do our best with what we have. We all can’t be Rembrandt, but we can, at a minimum, improve upon the canvas we were given. Our painting is our life and will become the canvas we leave for those that follow us.

Parents

Parents are directly responsible for the canvas and indirectly responsible for the paintbrush and colors provided. Leave a canvas that stimulates and encourages your children, which gives them an edge over those that have to whitewash and start all over. Leave them a canvas (environment) to build on, to deepen, and to make their own. Please give them the education, support, and confidence - the brushes (right tools), that can make broad, strong strokes - or fine brushes that can bring out details that make all the difference in telling the story of their painting. Provide a broad spectrum of colors (choices) for them to choose from, but let them make those color choices.

Every child's success will be helped or hindered by their parents. Sometimes parents help without reward. Other times our children succeed without our help. Mostly parents are the leverage all kids need for a good start in life. We will never know how much, but be assured the impacts of parental actions or non-actions are significant. #powerofdadhood

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The Underappreciated Dad

8/10/2020

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Nobody appreciates daddy…Nobody ever says, “Hey, Daddy, Thanks for knocking out this rent!” Hey, Daddy, I sure love this hot water!” Hey, Daddy, it’s easy to read with all this light!”

Chris Rock, comedian

Before I begin, I considered the title, “The Underappreciated Breadwinner” to include moms. When parental roles are reversed, the circumstances mentioned by Chris Rock could certainly apply to mommies. But the memes have been established over decades, maybe centuries, and it still mostly true today - that dads are the primary breadwinner.

Kids don’t usually see their dads digging ditches, serving the public, pounding the streets, sitting in mind-numbing cubicles, or putting up with bosses and co-workers they can barely be around without exploding! Moms that work have many of the same issues, but males do have more occupations endangering their lives. A December 19, 2018 article in Forbes states, “Men (are) 10 Times More Likely Than Women to be Killed At Work”!

Kids, in most families, see their moms toil with their own eyes, while dads work in virtual anonymity. They see the efforts of their moms to feed, clothe, transport, support, fix “owies,” and clean up messes, while dads get to ‘escape.’ Whoever makes dinner receives the credit, not the one that earned money to pay for the dinner. Granted, in many families, both parents work, and both cook the meals. In those families, only the cooking is appreciated by the children, not what got the meal on the table.

When dads are the sole income producing parent, they don’t do as much at home. But when they do dads are often out of their element and can be categorized as dummies. Advertisers take advantage of this situation. A 2013 Clorox commercial stated, “Like dogs or other house pets, new Dads are filled with good intentions but lacking the judgment and fine motor skills to execute well.”

We see dads characterized as being confused as to how to use appliances or change a diaper. A Doritos Super Bowl commercial shows a father more interested in his snack than the ultrasound the wife and female doctor are examining. A United HealthCare commercial shows men acting sophomoric while their wives choose the best health care options for their families. Try making moms look stupid while the dads are behaving responsibly, and there would be rioting in the streets (a common practice these days) by some moms and feminists.

I think these commercials are entertaining and funny, but not balanced at all. As an adult, I can see the humor and not make judgments. Children, however, are being brainwashed unknowingly, forming opinions about which parent is smarter, or more caring.

TV is no better. Homer Simpson is funny as a self-absorbed buffoon, while Marge is the “grounding voice” of her crazy family. Raymond is a clueless and mildly caring father whose family is held together by wife Debra in “Everybody Loves Raymond.” These categorizations are not uncommon. Thankfully, ‘Modern Family” reveals parents on both sides being occasionally irrational, but rarely would one see moms the sole targets of humor with wise dads correcting them. There are movies that celebrate fathers (“Parenting,” “It’s a Wonderful Life,” and “Mrs. Doubtfire” - although Robin Williams appears to be irresponsible). But there are hundreds of movies where dads are violent or abandon their families.

The most severe aspect of the uneven portrayal of men and women as parents is in the courts. When in doubt, the mother gets custody of their children. This decision makes sense when the standard is ‘what is best for the children?’ because kids are more accustomed to be with their mothers. But what about “Stay-at-Home” dads?

From FamilyLawRights.net

“In cases where a father has been an available, present, and competent parent, the “gender-neutral” rewriting of custody laws would suggest that the father should be awarded primary custody if joint custody is not an option. However, there is a question as to whether a lingering sense that mothers make better caregivers is causing more family court judges to award mothers primary custody.”

It’s true, parents, in general, are sometimes not appreciated by their children. Stay-at-home moms are underappreciated because their efforts are routine, resulting in kids becoming numb to just how much work she is doing for her family. However, breadwinner dads are underappreciated because their efforts are usually invisible and unknown to their children, and they are not in the home as often. These factors combined can give moms an advantage in appreciation and custody fights.

Both parents should be treated fairly, if not by their children, then at least by society. Especially in the eyes of the law, entertainment, and consumer advertising!

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