<![CDATA[MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood - Blog: Helping Fathers to be Dads]]>Sun, 26 Jan 2025 20:49:04 -0600Weebly<![CDATA[I Guess I’m a Blockhead Writer]]>Mon, 27 Jan 2025 02:03:17 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/i-guess-im-a-blockhead-writerPicture
“No man but a blockhead ever wrote a book except for money.”
~ Samuel Johnson
​
I’m the author of two books, never having formal training as a writer, but having a message I wanted to share. To take on such a task as authoring a book is mostly underappreciated. Despite the challenges of writing and publishing, a dedication to emphasizing the significance of family, motherhood, and fatherhood is a driving force. The results have been mixed.

Here are a few hard facts:
  • Few people aim to write a book, and only 3 out of 100 will complete it.
  • Only 1% to 5% of completed manuscripts are accepted by publishers.
  • Ninety-five percent of all published books sell less than 200 copies.
  • Each author competes with the 3,000,000 books that are published each year.
  • Less than 1% of published books make it to bookstores.
  • Authors are responsible for marketing their own books, as publishers typically provide minimal or no marketing support.
  • Only 1 in 10,000 authors earn their income from writing, and most do not rely solely on book sales.
Despite this bleak picture, I found an excellent traditional publisher, Familius LLC, who took a chance on a nobody with a tiny platform. As a result, The Power of Dadhood: How to be the Father Your Child Needs sold over 5000 copies at this point, and an unknown amount in China, where it was translated into traditional Chinese. Modest sales but I beat the odds.
Here's the ‘blockhead’ part of my story. Although my first book achieved moderate success, I incurred substantial financial losses covering editing, marketing, and other expenses. Additionally, I invested countless hours in research and writing. I received less than $1.00 for each sale. But I don’t care! (Of course, I wish I made money!)
My second book, A Vagabond Life: A Memoir of Father Hunger, is the story of my growing up wanting more from my father, but something he was unable to do. This book explains why I wrote my first book, and why I continue to write hundreds of blogs on <MichaelByronSmith.com> to bring light to the importance of family and the need for loving fathers in the home. This book is self-published and is still below the average of 200 in sales. While not successful, at least yet, l will continue to market A Vagabond Life and The Power of Dadhood hoping it will help families.
I take my own advice; advice I’ve given my children. That advice was, “try like hell, but don’t give a damn.” I later saw a quote from T.S. Elliot that said the same thing, but more eloquently, “Teach us to care and not to care.” It means simply to do your best and do not fret over the results.

Summary

I wrote this post for three reasons.
  1. I think it could be of interest to readers of books and those inspired to write them.
  2. It’s cathartic to me to express my desires and frustrations.
  3. I hope my books can help others - dads, moms, and especially their children.
Thank you for your time and interest!
​
#powerofdadhood
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]]><![CDATA[The Godfather, The Captain, Atticus, and Gil]]>Tue, 07 Jan 2025 06:00:00 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/the-godfather-the-captain-atticus-and-gilPicture
“A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.”
Don Corleone in “The Godfather”

( originally published Jan 26 2015)

What kind of father are you? Are you kind, funny, aloof, authoritarian, nurturing, absent, a provider, stay-at-home, or confused? Most of us are combinations of these descriptors with maybe one or two dominant characteristics. Let’s see if we can group fathering characteristics and instead, look into fathering styles or types.

Four Father-Types

I’ve devised four father types, based on characters whom we are familiar with if we’ve seen their movies. These are The Godfather, The Captain, Atticus, and Gil. After you’ve read my descriptions/interpretations of each one, think about which type you identify with the most. Certainly most of us dads have some characteristics of all of these fathers, but usually one type will stand out?

The Godfather

Don Corleone, in “The Godfather” is a kind and generous family man who lives by a strict moral code of loyalty to family first, friends second. He will protect all from their enemies. He is also a man of power who demands respect commensurate with his status. He is the leader of the family and his word is law. He teaches family loyalty and commitment above all else. He brings order to all and through his strength and balanced skills. He leaves a legacy of change that will last. A larger than life personality who teaches loyalty and dedication.

The Captain

The Captain in “The Sound of Music” is a self-disciplined, decisive man, who is in control of himself and expects the same from others. A man of action, shy of real emotion, tied to rituals and routine, he is competitive and highly principled. He is a loving man but he isn’t demonstrative in showing it. He teaches respect and responsibility.

Atticus

Atticus Finch, the father in “To Kill a Mockingbird”, played by Gregory Peck, is an insightful man with high morals and keen intelligence. He has genuine humility and a natural dignity. His ego does not drive him. Atticus is serious but loving to his children, passing on sage advice but not likely to play and act goofy with his kids. He is also consistent and reliable. His power comes from thoughtful reflection and meditation. He teaches integrity and does it with his brain.

Gil

Steve Martin plays Gil Buckman in the movie “Parenthood”. Gil is a man who wants to be a good father, not having had a good one himself. Gil is passionate about his parenting. He’s fun, unassuming, and caring. Gil has a soft and emotional heart. He would be likely to write heartfelt notes to his children and act silly with them. He is idealistic about life and looks to bring goodness to all. He teaches love and understanding with his heart.

So who are you most like and who would you most want to emulate?

The Potential Dark Side

Before I go on, there are versions of the characters that can go to an opposite extreme.

  • The Godfather type can become a tyrant, misusing his power for his own selfish gains which Don Corleone does, but not within his family—unless it serves the family.
  • The Captain can become a sadist or self-destructive when he sets aside emotional needs too long. This could be why soldiers develop PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome). Some Captain types become workaholics, trying to get to the top for the sake only of being on top. Some demand too much from their family like Robert Duvall’s character in “The Great Santini”.
  • An Atticus type can become a con man, using his skills of charm and intellect to fool people for his own gain. He can also be narcissistic. Bigamists can often be an example this dark side of Atticus.
  • Gil can become a dreamer or a weakling, sometimes uncertain of his ability to provide, or to be a good father, something Gil went through in the movie.

Self-Analysis

I would like to have the power and respect of Don Corleone, the discipline and decisiveness of The Captain, the intellect and dignity of Atticus, and the dedication and passion of Gil. If I am honest about my own identity as a father, I think I come closest to Gil. When I saw that movie, I very much identified with him, maybe because I was unsatisfied with my own father, maybe because my children’s well-being are so important to me, maybe because I am occasionally emotional about my family. But I do have some characteristics of all of these four types. Like most men, I would like to leave a legacy. I was a military man for 29 years and preach responsibility. I also try to pass on “sage advice” to my children, now grandchildren. Lastly, if I were to become another father type, I would like to have more traits like those of Atticus.

Summary

It is useful to know about different fathering styles and to examine your own. You may understand better how you father your children or why you do it your way. This knowledge is useful when dealing with family issues, how they come about, and how you can resolve them. There is no need in becoming the style of father you’re not comfortable being. It wouldn’t work anyway. You have to be you, but you can always be a better you, staying completely away from the dark side of these father types.

The father types I mention here are my own vision and in no way are they complete or scientific. They were, however, very loosely based on the idea of male archetypes from the book “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover” by Robert L. Moore and Douglas Gillette. If you are interested in a more scientific analysis of the male archetype and where you may fit in, you can take a KWML test I discovered at http://www.kwml.com/contemplate/assembler.php?page=welcome. These archetypes and their test results are a description of particular male types-- not styles of fathering, per se.

Go be a good father in your own style—be a Dad!

]]><![CDATA[The World’s Greatest Dad]]>Mon, 06 Jan 2025 06:00:00 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/the-worlds-greatest-dadPictureurbanloftart.com

Just how many men have the distinction of being the World’s Greatest Dad?  It’s a mantle shared by many. Some men deserve it, and some don’t, but what is really important is what the children of those men think. Of course, there is no single ‘world’s greatest dad’ because the ‘world’ to any child is their own father. To your child, no one on earth has your potential as a guardian, mentor, and confidant. I use the word ‘potential' because some men, for any number of reasons, fall short in their parenting. Here are a few actual reasons fathers fail to be “Dads”.
​
  • Alcohol problems
  • Drug addiction
  • Busy Career
  • Wasn’t what I wanted
  • It a mother’s job
  • Don’t know how
  • Health issues
  • Kids are difficult
  • Objections of the mother

I’ve yet to hear a good reason to fail as a father. Some of the reasons listed above are absurd while others are unfortunate, but not a real hindrance. The closest excuse to a true hindrance is the objections of the mother who severely restricts involvement by a father with the backing of the courts. This is an actual and often tragic situation for a man who wants dearly to be a part of his child’s life. This precludes those men who are a real danger to their children, but those type of men are rare. Beyond motherly or court-ordered obstacles, all men have a relatively easy path to the greatest reward they can ever achieve – “The World’s Greatest Dad.”

Let me explain what I mean by ‘easy.’ No, being a loving and nurturing parent is not easy. Raising children takes much patience, time, and money, not to mention the coordination of parenting methods with their mother. But the easy part is getting the adoration of your kids for the mere fact you are their dad. Every ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ is the one who kisses his child goodnight, who brags on their artwork, who loves the people they love, who gives them rides on their backs and listens to their problems. If you do those and other little things that all children need, you will undoubtedly deserve your t-shirt, mug, or crayon poster with your name on it -- “Dad.”

Never take something like this child-appointed award for granted just because you see other dads with the same prize! It’s not a competition -- it’s a great honor bestowed upon you by the most important people in your world. If you have really earned it, you will wear it, drink from it, or post it with true pride because “The Power of Dadhood” is real!  

Consider reading my book, A Vagabond Life: A Memoir of Father Hunger - What it does to families and how I conquered it.
​
Michael Byron Smith
]]><![CDATA[​Where are the Normies? They're not in Local News]]>Sat, 03 Aug 2024 01:14:44 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/where-are-the-normies-theyre-not-in-local-newsPicture
Like Supreme Court judge, Potter Stewart, once said, “I can’t define pornography, but I know when I see it.”

I think our view of what’s abnormal could be a similar quote. Certainly, what is normal varies from nation to nation, group to group, and individual to individual. And I’m not saying being abnormal or different is necessarily bad. We have as a nation excelled by many who may be described as not normal, different, or eccentric.

Where am I going with this? I believe that normality is underrated, underreported, and underappreciated.

We forget the normal when we see the news in the many ways it is presented or not presented to us. Some examples: 1) Safe airliner landings are not noticed. 2) Good manners are the norm in the world I live in. 3) I go to my grandkids’ ball games and dance recitals where moms, dads, siblings and grandparents, sometimes even neighbors go to watch. 4) I don’t see homeless people sleeping in my neighborhood. 5) I haven’t seen a drunk in public in years nor do I hear gunshots at night. This makes me a happy camper, i.e. until I see the news.

But you say, “of course you would never hear about a safe landing. That’s the norm!”  See my point? Then there will be those who say, “well, you’re lucky because there are many out there that don’t have what you have or live where you live.” That is true! What is normal for me in those examples is not normal for everyone. Wouldn’t it be nice if it was. The US poverty rate is 11-12 percent, way too high, but not high enough to be called normal. I lived in poverty as a child, and although it was prevalent, it never was normal to me. I didn’t allow it to be!

The news is a bit like gaslighting. When you hear something over and over, you think what you are hearing is normal. As an example, these days you often hear stories of people claiming to be a sex at odds with the biology of their body. I sympathise with their plight. Thoughts and opinions on that topic are frequent because never before has this been considered normal. The frequency of the reporting will leave one with the impression it is more common than it is. When will we stop hearing trans stories? When and if it approaches being normal, or when topic becomes uninteresting.

Another example of news stories gaslighting society involves police shootings of people in the black community, mainly black men. Just one is too many, but when asked many have guessed it happens thousands of times a year. Actually, it is in the range of 10-15 cop shootings of black men a year. On the other hand, black on black crimes are often underreported because it is too common of a story. There were over 10,000 black murder victims in 2022. 90% of those victims are killed by other blacks (ucr.fbi.gov). The problem is not the police nor anything inherent in the black race, it’s a lack of involved parenting in the black community, particularly the fathers since the 1960s. When 40% of all American children and 72% of black children are born to single women, it has become too common and, unfortunately, not commonly reported. When good fathers are common, crime, poverty, drug use, and unwed mothers will be reduced proportionately, and human-interest stories will have to fill time in local news.

Summary:

I rarely watch local news anymore. In any major city, the local news is rampant with reports of murder, rape, drug use, arson, and more, including some useful info. These crimes are commonly reported as they should be.  I already know it is happening. And why…in large part, a lack of nurturing fathers. It can be depressing because this issue of unhealthy families are not the story on the news, just the results.

Abnormal activity gets too much attention, and it always will. I suggest not watching if you feel helpless or down about things for which you have no control. Until these news reports change to what caused the story, and what can be done to fix it, I’m not interested in watching. And remember, the normies are out there hiding within itself and away from the news cycle.

Normal (in your society) is common, but reporting on common (in your society) will never happen.

#avagabondlife #powerofdadhood
]]><![CDATA[Strong Families are the Answer]]>Wed, 31 Jul 2024 05:00:00 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/strong-families-are-the-answerStrong, united, and loving families are the building blocks that make any society great. I see great families every day. Mom’s and Dad’s and their kids having fun at picnics, ballgames, the library, neighborhood get-togethers, etc. That’s because I live in a great area! But it isn’t a great area that made these families so awesome. It’s the awesome families that made the area great.

I am also familiar with not-so-great areas. Read my book, A VAGABOND LIFE: A MEMOIR OF FATHER HUNGER. ​I lived in neighborhoods like these for years. There, I didn’t see families like those I described above. I saw homes in terrible shape. There was potential danger around every corner. Trash littered the streets and kids roamed them, often looking for trouble. I didn’t see whole families having fun together if I saw them at all. The neighborhood didn’t make families live like this, although it did make it more difficult to escape. No, it was the lack of enough strong families that made the neighborhoods bad.
​
Money has little to do with making families strong. Most young families struggle with money. Classically, it’s a father and mother working together teaching values to their children. Other types of families will also succeed if their children are taught proper values and are properly cared for.

So how do we build strong families? We make laws that incentivize them to stay together, not to be apart. We teach responsibility in homes and schools. We teach young people how to run a family by understanding simple finance, having principles, being consistent, understanding each other, and fun. Who does this if the family doesn't? Too often a family fails to teach these things because they came from failed family situations. We must identify these shortcomings and fill the gap. I did my best to help by writing  "THE POWER OF DADHOOD". But so much more is necessary. My book and other fine parenting books do no good unless they are read. 

Below you will find a video of my extended family taken at my younger daughter’s birthday celebration. My wife, two daughters and their husbands, my single adult son, and my four grandchildren with their aunt and uncle, all having fun together, building trust, and creating memories. You are welcome to watch. Nothing too exciting going on, just a family that loves each other.

Being raised in a loving family has advantages that cannot be overstated!

]]><![CDATA[The Most Concise Self-Help Book You’ll Ever Read]]>Mon, 01 Jul 2024 05:00:00 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/the-most-concise-self-help-book-youll-ever-readPicture
Written by Michael Byron Smith
Published by “Helping Fathers to be Dads”
Copyright 2018 by Michael Byron Smith

Introduction

I confess. I have read quite a few self-help books in my day. I needed them at the time, and they truly helped me. Anyone who doesn’t think they need support/guidance has already had plenty of it, or they are fooling themselves and being naive. Unfortunately, I didn’t discover these books until I was fully an adult; a situation made worse because I had no true mentor growing up. Any young person who has or had a mentor is very fortunate, but even if a mentor exists there will be much they can’t or won’t know to teach you. Living a full and curious life is the best teacher, but learning from mentors and books will allow you to get to deeper aspects of life more quickly, allowing for more learning.

Often, self-help books teach lessons that on reflection seem like common sense. But common sense is a ‘basic level of practical knowledge and judgment.’ It only becomes common after we are made aware of it. Sure, there are those that pick up on some things on their own or faster than others, but not everything.

​Life can be very difficult. If it were easy, we would cease to grow as interesting people. Yet, some folks are happy with little and never complain, and that’s okay. Others have an abundance of success and are never happy, that’s sad. And, of course, there are most of us in the wide spectrum in the middle. You must choose with honesty where you fall within that spectrum to change if indeed you want to change.

With that introduction, here are some simplified bits of advice on a few key areas of life. Consider this advice to be like a lioness nudging her cubs gently with her nose to go hunt. Once you learn to hunt, you have made great strides toward success, or happiness…and hopefully, both. 
The ‘How-To’s

Consider this advice, change/substitute what you think may work better for you. Then go hunting for fatter prey.

How to make the Middle Class[i]
  • Finish high school
  • Get a job
  • Don’t get married or have children before you’re 21
How to go to college without money[ii]
  • Be poor (but not on purpose!)
  • Study with commitment and very diligently
  • Know your school counselor (connections are critical)
  • Apply for a college scholarship (Most colleges look to balance their student population with deserving students with financial needs)[iii]
How to be respected
  • Have Common Sense: think about what you’re doing and the possible consequences.
  • Be Measured: not going too far in excess on anything, anyone, or on any matter
  • Fairness: be honest, patient, and truthful. Keep your word and be dependable
  • Have Courage: stick to your ideals but listen to others
How to be a good parent [iv]
  • Be available
  • Be loving
  • Be consistent
  • Be fun
  • Have principles.
  • Read, THE POWER OF DADHOOD and A VAGABOND LIFE: A MEMOIR OF FATHER HUNGER
How to improve your health
  • Move around much more often
  • Reduce food portions
  • Eat fruits and vegetables
  • Take vitamins
  • See a doctor at least once a year
How to improve your attitude
  • Remember you have choices, to change or to accept
  • Consider trying a different perspective
  • Take responsibility for yourself and your actions
  • Find something important you want and work towards it
How to save money
  • Get the best available job that suits your abilities
  • Save 5% to 10% of whatever you make no matter how little your salary (YES you can!)
  • Don’t let your savings burn a hole in your pocket, have goals
  • Find yourself feeling good about what you’ve done and challenged to keep saving more
  • Don’t ever over-extend yourself
How to be happy
  • Never expect always to be happy!
  • Count your blessings. You have more than you think.
  • Respect your strengths, improve upon or accept your weaknesses
  • Read ‘How to improve your attitude,’ above
  • If these fail, you may need to supplement your natural serotonin (see a Doctor)

Summary

I think these thoughts will help you, even if you’ve heard them before. You likely have heard most and even thought them helpful but moved on without following through. Give yourself another chance. If you do believe in the advice and ignore it, you are missing possibly the most important aspect of success…MOTIVATION. Find it somewhere!

A simplified list like this one can be tacked to a wall or attached with a magnet to your refrigerator as a reminder. Someday, you may look at it at a time when motivation has, mysteriously or not, kicked in. For it takes knowledge and motivation to really move forward.
​
If a particular topic interests you, it is likely that you will be moved to learn more about it. Extensive material in libraries, book stores, and conveniently, the Internet will help you do research. And there are people and organizations that will help you if you ask. GO DO IT! 
[i] Only 2% of poor teens who do these things remain poor. https://www.brookings.edu/opinions/three-simple-rules-poor-teens-should-follow-to-join-the-middle-class/
 
[ii] This is what delivered me from poverty and a cycle of dysfunction
 
[iii] Not a panacea. Realistically, not everyone has the intellectual or cognitive ability to thrive in school. (15% of the U.S. population has an IQ of 85 or below. Dr. Richard Haier)
 
[iv] from The Power of Dadhood, published by Familius, LLC

]]><![CDATA[​Substitute Heroes]]>Fri, 17 May 2024 05:00:00 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/substitute-heroesPictureMy Hero Growing Up - Jimmy Stewart
I wrote this article in 2018, four years after my first book, The Power of Dadhood, and five years before my second book, A Vagabond Life. My second book is a memoir about a family without a supportive father. My hero, Jimmy Stewart is included in A Vagabond Life.

                                     *  *  *

Mentors are people that teach by example. We all need mentors as we grow through different stages of life, but especially when we are young. Children aren’t always good judges of their mentors so they may follow any example, good or bad. My father was absent most of my life, and when he was around, he was typically drunk and an embarrassment. It’s a shame because my father, when sober, was quite interesting, smart, and a gentleman. But the moments where I looked upon my dad as someone to admire was shattered continuously by the slovenly drunk he could become and did become over and over again.

As any boy would, I wanted someone to look up to and admire. I had uncles, but they were not in my life enough to have an impact. We never settled in a neighborhood long enough to hang out with boys my age that had dads I might admire. There were no older cousins, and I was the oldest of my siblings. But I did have a thirst for a role model, and subconsciously I was always looking for him.

I don’t know why, but my substitute hero became the actor, Jimmy Stewart. I’m not sure what it was that first attracted me to Mr. Stewart. I think it may have been a common interest we had in aviation. That interest was key in his acceptance of movie roles like “The Spirit of St. Louis” and “Strategic Air Command.”  As I watched him in these and other movies, I became enamored by the type of characters he played. Typically, he was honorable, shy, and did the right thing. I dreamed of being like the characters he played in the movies.

As I learned more about him, I discovered that the man who played the characters I loved so much was an even better man in real life. He was a real-life pilot in the Army Air Corps/U.S. Air Force and insisted on going into combat when he could have made recruiting films. Returning from the war in late 1945, Mr. Stewart insisted that his military exploits, which included many combat missions and numerous decorations, not be publicized. I was impressed by that kind of humility. You would have to look far and wide and still not find anyone who would say anything disparaging about him. Once he married, later than most, he remained faithful although admired by many of his female co-stars.
​
Once, on a business trip to Los Angeles, I drove by the house he lived in for years. Unlike the big mansions behind gates and hidden by vegetation where most stars lived, Jimmy Stewart’s home was on a typical street in Beverly Hills, accessible by anyone who would have walked up to the door. Yes, his was the model I wanted to follow, big shoes to fill for sure, but I loved the challenge.

A disadvantage of having a distant hero is the inability to ask questions or to be reassured when doubts arise. But having someone to look up to, to imagine what your hero would do, is a comfort and a direction in which to look.

​The idea of a substitute father/hero is a good one, but it comes with the danger of misplacing one’s trust with someone whose values are not the best or don’t gel with your personality and goals. Misplaced trust happens too often with young men without boundaries. For instance, joining a gang is often a how a young man chooses to belong, emulating the behavior of the men in that gang, most of whom are barely older and have the same identity issues. Sometimes boys in a father-deprived situation like I was look up to hyper-masculine movie heroes who mislead them about real life and being a man.  

A wonderful place to go to find a substitute hero is Big Brothers (now called ‘Big Brothers, Big Sisters’), an organization I volunteered for while I was in the Air Force.  Their Mission is to ‘provide children facing adversity with strong and enduring, professionally supported one-to-one relationships that change their lives for the better, forever’.

The young man for whom I was a Big Brother was nine years old, had long hair, and very quiet. We went fishing, bowling, and to the movies. I went to his ballgames and bought him ice cream. We talked as much as I could get him to talk. I did the things I wish my father had done. While I was a young mid-twenties male with self-confidence issues myself, to him I was a successful jet pilot in the U.S. Air Force. Did he seem impressed? Not really, but that was not why I was there. I was there to show him he was important and spending time with him proved that. I let him know my dad was not there for me, just like his dad wasn’t there for him. But I became what I wanted to be . . . just like he could.

The power of example is an awesome one. We can’t let young men stumble into the wrong ones. Boys thrive on the ideals of service and sacrifice when they have the right examples to follow. I challenge all men to be available to boys who need guidance and encouragement. Young people are our most precious resource, and we must protect our future. 
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]]><![CDATA[The Boy Who Never Felt Pain]]>Tue, 23 Apr 2024 05:00:00 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/the-boy-who-never-felt-painPicture
There once was a boy named Samuel who never felt pain. He would scrape a knee, and it would not hurt. He would bump his head very hard and not cry. “How lucky you are!” his friends would say. “I wish I never knew pain!” they complained.

Samuel was curious, however, and wondered what pain was all about. Certainly, he noticed when his friends were in pain because they would grimace and often cry. He thought, “Would I want that?" Of course he had no idea for he didn’t understand the concept of pain any more than a fish understands being in water. Samuel’s friends were confused about him. He could neither be described as a happy or sad fellow.

“Why not be happy?” everyone asked.

“Pain is not good, believe us!” they reminded him.

“Samuel must feel very fortunate.” they thought.

But how could Samuel be happy about not having pain if he didn’t know the sensation of pain? And neither was Samuel really sad because sadness itself was pain.

Samuel did not have the sensations everyone else had. He was never cold nor hot. He didn’t understand why his friends loved the warmth of a fire in the winter or the cool breezes of summer. Samuel enjoyed neither - just as one would not be particularly delighted about having a hammer if there were no nails to strike.

Samuel lived where the sun shone almost every day. When visitors told him how lovely the sunshine was, he replied, “Really?” Samuel had never traveled very far and the sun shining wasn’t any more exceptional than having air to breathe.

Something was missing for Samuel, but he didn’t know what it could be. Everyone wanted to be like him and to have what he had because everything seemed perfect for Samuel -- sunshine every day and never experiencing discomfort. Samuel, however, didn’t understand why people thought he was so fortunate – whatever being fortunate was.

Life to Samuel was the same every day. He didn’t know ‘good’ because he didn’t know ‘bad’. He wasn’t interesting because he had very few stories to tell. How could you have a story if you never experienced distress, or overcame it? He couldn’t contribute to conversations about how rain refreshed everything on a hot day, nor talk about the discomfort of a toothache or the incredible relief when the agony went away.

What was this life he seemed to be missing? Was he really fortunate? How could he ever know?
 
The Incident

One day, Samuel was walking home from school as storm clouds gathered. As he reached his house lightning struck a tree in his yard! Samuel was knocked down from the force of electricity exploding in the wood of the tree. When he awoke, he had a strange sensation. Samuel hurt! And he hurt a lot! He never knew this feeling before and, of course, he didn’t like it. Samuel’s parents had heard the lightning strike and found their son on the ground dazed. He was moaning as if in pain. They had never seen Samuel in pain!

They rushed him to the hospital and, fortunately, Samuel was not hurt badly. He would be okay, but something had happened to him. Indeed, Samuel was experiencing pain and wished he could be the old Samuel - without the ability to feel this horrible sensation. Samuel now knew what his friends were talking about.

His weakness and the chill in the hospital made him shiver. Never before had he sensed being cold! He was awash in sensations, and while uncomfortable, it was an awakening for him. A nurse placed a heated blanket on Samuel, and the warmth was exhilarating! Waves of emotion came over him! What was this about? Never before had he been overwhelmed with such relief and comfort! Gradually, Samuel’s aches and pains from ‘the incident’ went away. And the lack of pain was beautiful! He was always pain-free before the incident, only this time he loved not hurting! “Why didn’t I ever appreciate not hurting?” he wondered.
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After that day, everything changed. Samuel became like every other boy or girl. His encounter with the lightning strike gave him the gift of feeling and sensation allowing him to know he was, indeed, lucky when he didn’t have pain. He also now understood warmth because he had experienced cold.

Samuel’s life was now fuller! He had decisions to make because he learned about the consequences of decisions. Some opportunities would give him happiness but maybe risked pain or injury. Other choices would keep him safe, but he could possibly miss out on some fun. And now he knew about joy, and the warmth of a fire, and the refreshing feeling of cool breezes. Yes, he had to think more than he ever did before the incident, but thinking and choices made his life so much more interesting! Balance was a word he now understood. Samuel knew that undertaking tasks that may be uncomfortable or difficult could bring rewards to him which were joyful and fulfilling.

With his newfound thirst for knowledge and experiences, Samuel began traveling and found new challenges and interests everywhere he traveled. He went to a place where the rain was common! It was so lush and green there! When he first saw the rain, he danced in the street with his mouth open reveling in its coolness and its taste. The rain was so lovely to watch and the sound so soothing. But after three days of rain, he longed for the sunshine of his home. Samuel now knew why visitors mentioned how beautiful the sunshine was in the days before the incident!

Lessons from ‘The Incident’

The most significant lesson Samuel learned from his harrowing experience with the lightning strike was that life on a roller coaster is so much more interesting than life on a merry-go-round. He now knew the joy of overcoming obstacles, the feeling of relief, and the pride of meeting a challenge. He knew about limits and when to respect them and when to challenge them. He knew sacrifice is a temporary situation that will likely improve his life. And those that sacrifice now will reap the rewards and success of the future. Samuel now understood that a world of contrasts is a much more exciting place to live!

Life is defined by risks and experiences, good and bad. Without contrasts, there is nothing to measure or compare. There would be no such concept as perfection if everything were perfect. Ideas and action can be dangerous, but they are alive! Joy is not eternal sunshine and no pain. Joy is sunshine after the rain and your recovery from the pain. It’s the soothing warmth after a shuddering chill -- or the breathless relief when reaching the peak of a hill.  Joy comes from leaving some level of sorrow behind.

Yin and Yang are perfect partners because there is no Yin without Yang nor is there Yang without Yin! Samuel now understood pain but knew he would never want to be protected from the possibility of it. It was pain that taught him how good normal felt. It was pain that told him something was not right and should be attended to. And he knew the more he learned about life, the better prepared he would be to avoid pain - and to find happiness.

Samuel grew up to be happier than any of the friends, those who thought he was lucky in the days before he felt no pain. For he understood better than any of them that life without challenges is not perfect and entirely uninspiring. He knew that real happiness is striving for something. Happiness is a state of mind that comes from having a purpose and pursuing it! No, Samuel didn’t like pain, but he understood its tremendous value. His life was now an adventure!
 
© Helping Fathers to be Dads, 2019​
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]]><![CDATA[As It Turns Out...]]>Thu, 14 Mar 2024 03:22:41 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/as-it-turns-outTo understand and to be understood makes our happiness on earth.
German Proverb
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Author at six years of age. We were far from a nuclear family!
People are not much different from each other. Because of this, we notice the differences and often argue about them. More than that, we are protective of our situations. While some of us easily succumb to influence, others are highly independent. There are introverts and extroverts, athletes, bookworms, intellectuals, flashy folks, and shy people, and on and on. It is this variety which gives us strength as a society. Like forks, spoons, and knives, we can do some jobs better than others, and the diversity of strengths is good for us all, especially at dinner. But sometimes our differences get in the way. So it is with the social issues of today, including parenting styles.

For instance, I’m an advocate for the nuclear family as the base building block for society. I believe that if every family had both a nurturing mother and father, our society would flourish. I also know that this is impossible for numerous reasons, some controllable and some not. There are single-parent families, same-sex parents, parents who adopt, Foster parents, grandparents who act as parents, etc. Most are doing their best to give their children the best environment for their health and teaching their children  to be good citizens. I applaud all types of nurturing parents!  There is no doubt in my mind that is true. That doesn’t negate the value and advantages, for most children, of living in a nuclear family as a goal. Why? Because as it turns out, every statistic shows this to be true!

Let’s look at the situation of not having a father in the home. Children from fatherless homes are:
  • 15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
  • 24.3 times more likely to run away
  • 6.6 times more likely to drop out of high school
  • 4.6 times more likely to commit suicide
  • 6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institution
  • 10.8 times more likely to commit rape
  • 6.6 times more likely to become teenage mothers
  • 15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager​


Beyond these statistics (which can be found with any search engine using the term “fatherless children statistics”), there are substantial increases in abuse, injury, neglect or endangerment. I emphasize fatherless home stats because that is the most common missing link of a nuclear family. Thankfully, mothers are much less likely to be abandon their children. (Note: To be fair, some fathers are kept away by mothers)

Most single parents are heroes, as my mother was to my family (see my memoir, ‘A Vagabond Life: A Memoir of Father Hunger’). Single parents do the work of two parents, but they can’t provide the diverse kind of love that a mother and a father can provide. This is not to denigrate same-sex couples who, while not always providing both masculine and feminine examples, rescue children who may have neither example, giving those children love and stability. Adopting parents of all kinds are saviors to many a child!

To want the best for all children is a wonderful thing. For any particular child, the ‘best’ situation depends on that child’s circumstances, and it’s not always the nuclear family structure. As it turns out, however, it is the best situation for most children.

Summary:

I hope we can resist debate or denigrate the value of a healthy nuclear family, It may not work for some, but it is an ideal situation for most. But let’s give credit to non-nuclear families that work endlessly to teach values and provide love. Same-sex couples...to love a child when that love never existed is priceless. Single mothers…don’t be offended when we say your child could use a male mentor, As it turns out, both sons and daughters do. But that’s no reflection on your love and abilities. Most one-parent families are led by heroic, dedicated, and caring people doing the best they can. My mother did that for me and my five siblings, but we sure could have used a nurturing father. My memoir goes into detail as to why that is absolutely true.
]]><![CDATA[The Infant-Dad Connection]]>Wed, 28 Feb 2024 03:20:44 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/the-many-faces-of-a-dad
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The Infant-Dad Connection

​Dads, do you realize your influence on your children's behavior? How do they see you in their eyes? That connection should begin the moment your infant children are born.

Having grown to the heartbeat, breathing cadence, and voice of their mother, they need to be held and spoken to by their father to make that subtle connection with him as well. Infants are not unlike soft clay, hardening gradually month by month. You are the artisan, making them beautiful and valuable. The way they carry themselves and the joy they bring to others exhibit their beauty. They manifest their value when they become confident and self-reliant contributors to society.

​Do not wait to mold your children, for if you do so, the less impact you will have on them and their future. Your influence decreases each year as they cure, forming their unique shape (personality), but a strong beginning will ensure your respect will be upheld and heard throughout their lives. This capability is essential because older children need borders for their safety, values for their integrity, and involvement for their growth. 

No man is a failure who has helped a child, especially his own. So many ways exist to show your love and support. It can be as simple as a touch or a wink, as complicated as family therapy, or as thoughtful as a long-distance phone call. A dad needs to be available. The greatest single gift a man can give his children is his attention. So simple, but somehow its simplicity overlooks the importance of engagement and meaningful interaction, often set aside for another time or place. Your parenting goal should always be your best as a good father. There are reasons, obstacles, and hardships that get in the way, but no excuse should continue. 

Michael Byron Smith, author of
The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs
A Vagabond Life: A Memoir of Fatherhood
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