<![CDATA[MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood - Blog: Helping Fathers to be Dads]]>

<![CDATA[MichaelByronSmith: The Power of Dadhood - Blog: Helping Fathers to be Dads]]>Fri, 10 May 2024 18:35:22 -0500Weebly<![CDATA[The Boy Who Never Felt Pain]]>Tue, 23 Apr 2024 05:00:00 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/the-boy-who-never-felt-pain

There once was a boy named Samuel who never felt pain. He would scrape a knee, and it would not hurt. He would bump his head very hard and not cry. “How lucky you are!” his friends would say. “I wish I never knew pain!” they complained.

Samuel was curious, however, and wondered what pain was all about. Certainly, he noticed when his friends were in pain because they would grimace and often cry. He thought, “Would I want that?" Of course he had no idea for he didn’t understand the concept of pain any more than a fish understands being in water. Samuel’s friends were confused about him. He could neither be described as a happy or sad fellow.

“Why not be happy?” everyone asked.

“Pain is not good, believe us!” they reminded him.

“Samuel must feel very fortunate.” they thought.

But how could Samuel be happy about not having pain if he didn’t know the sensation of pain? And neither was Samuel really sad because sadness itself was pain.

Samuel did not have the sensations everyone else had. He was never cold nor hot. He didn’t understand why his friends loved the warmth of a fire in the winter or the cool breezes of summer. Samuel enjoyed neither - just as one would not be particularly delighted about having a hammer if there were no nails to strike.

Samuel lived where the sun shone almost every day. When visitors told him how lovely the sunshine was, he replied, “Really?” Samuel had never traveled very far and the sun shining wasn’t any more exceptional than having air to breathe.

Something was missing for Samuel, but he didn’t know what it could be. Everyone wanted to be like him and to have what he had because everything seemed perfect for Samuel -- sunshine every day and never experiencing discomfort. Samuel, however, didn’t understand why people thought he was so fortunate – whatever being fortunate was.

Life to Samuel was the same every day. He didn’t know ‘good’ because he didn’t know ‘bad’. He wasn’t interesting because he had very few stories to tell. How could you have a story if you never experienced distress, or overcame it? He couldn’t contribute to conversations about how rain refreshed everything on a hot day, nor talk about the discomfort of a toothache or the incredible relief when the agony went away.

What was this life he seemed to be missing? Was he really fortunate? How could he ever know?

The Incident

One day, Samuel was walking home from school as storm clouds gathered. As he reached his house lightning struck a tree in his yard! Samuel was knocked down from the force of electricity exploding in the wood of the tree. When he awoke, he had a strange sensation. Samuel hurt! And he hurt a lot! He never knew this feeling before and, of course, he didn’t like it. Samuel’s parents had heard the lightning strike and found their son on the ground dazed. He was moaning as if in pain. They had never seen Samuel in pain!

They rushed him to the hospital and, fortunately, Samuel was not hurt badly. He would be okay, but something had happened to him. Indeed, Samuel was experiencing pain and wished he could be the old Samuel - without the ability to feel this horrible sensation. Samuel now knew what his friends were talking about.

His weakness and the chill in the hospital made him shiver. Never before had he sensed being cold! He was awash in sensations, and while uncomfortable, it was an awakening for him. A nurse placed a heated blanket on Samuel, and the warmth was exhilarating! Waves of emotion came over him! What was this about? Never before had he been overwhelmed with such relief and comfort! Gradually, Samuel’s aches and pains from ‘the incident’ went away. And the lack of pain was beautiful! He was always pain-free before the incident, only this time he loved not hurting! “Why didn’t I ever appreciate not hurting?” he wondered.

After that day, everything changed. Samuel became like every other boy or girl. His encounter with the lightning strike gave him the gift of feeling and sensation allowing him to know he was, indeed, lucky when he didn’t have pain. He also now understood warmth because he had experienced cold.

Samuel’s life was now fuller! He had decisions to make because he learned about the consequences of decisions. Some opportunities would give him happiness but maybe risked pain or injury. Other choices would keep him safe, but he could possibly miss out on some fun. And now he knew about joy, and the warmth of a fire, and the refreshing feeling of cool breezes. Yes, he had to think more than he ever did before the incident, but thinking and choices made his life so much more interesting! Balance was a word he now understood. Samuel knew that undertaking tasks that may be uncomfortable or difficult could bring rewards to him which were joyful and fulfilling.

With his newfound thirst for knowledge and experiences, Samuel began traveling and found new challenges and interests everywhere he traveled. He went to a place where the rain was common! It was so lush and green there! When he first saw the rain, he danced in the street with his mouth open reveling in its coolness and its taste. The rain was so lovely to watch and the sound so soothing. But after three days of rain, he longed for the sunshine of his home. Samuel now knew why visitors mentioned how beautiful the sunshine was in the days before the incident!

Lessons from ‘The Incident’

The most significant lesson Samuel learned from his harrowing experience with the lightning strike was that life on a roller coaster is so much more interesting than life on a merry-go-round. He now knew the joy of overcoming obstacles, the feeling of relief, and the pride of meeting a challenge. He knew about limits and when to respect them and when to challenge them. He knew sacrifice is a temporary situation that will likely improve his life. And those that sacrifice now will reap the rewards and success of the future. Samuel now understood that a world of contrasts is a much more exciting place to live!

Life is defined by risks and experiences, good and bad. Without contrasts, there is nothing to measure or compare. There would be no such concept as perfection if everything were perfect. Ideas and action can be dangerous, but they are alive! Joy is not eternal sunshine and no pain. Joy is sunshine after the rain and your recovery from the pain. It’s the soothing warmth after a shuddering chill -- or the breathless relief when reaching the peak of a hill. Joy comes from leaving some level of sorrow behind.

Yin and Yang are perfect partners because there is no Yin without Yang nor is there Yang without Yin! Samuel now understood pain but knew he would never want to be protected from the possibility of it. It was pain that taught him how good normal felt. It was pain that told him something was not right and should be attended to. And he knew the more he learned about life, the better prepared he would be to avoid pain - and to find happiness.

Samuel grew up to be happier than any of the friends, those who thought he was lucky in the days before he felt no pain. For he understood better than any of them that life without challenges is not perfect and entirely uninspiring. He knew that real happiness is striving for something. Happiness is a state of mind that comes from having a purpose and pursuing it! No, Samuel didn’t like pain, but he understood its tremendous value. His life was now an adventure!

© Helping Fathers to be Dads, 2019

Available on Amazon.com and BN.com

]]><![CDATA[As It Turns Out...]]>Thu, 14 Mar 2024 03:22:41 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/as-it-turns-outTo understand and to be understood makes our happiness on earth.
German Proverb

Author at six years of age. We were far from a nuclear family!

People are not much different from each other. Because of this, we notice the differences and often argue about them. More than that, we are protective of our situations. While some of us easily succumb to influence, others are highly independent. There are introverts and extroverts, athletes, bookworms, intellectuals, flashy folks, and shy people, and on and on. It is this variety which gives us strength as a society. Like forks, spoons, and knives, we can do some jobs better than others, and the diversity of strengths is good for us all, especially at dinner. But sometimes our differences get in the way. So it is with the social issues of today, including parenting styles.

For instance, I’m an advocate for the nuclear family as the base building block for society. I believe that if every family had both a nurturing mother and father, our society would flourish. I also know that this is impossible for numerous reasons, some controllable and some not. There are single-parent families, same-sex parents, parents who adopt, Foster parents, grandparents who act as parents, etc. Most are doing their best to give their children the best environment for their health and teaching their children to be good citizens. I applaud all types of nurturing parents! There is no doubt in my mind that is true. That doesn’t negate the value and advantages, for most children, of living in a nuclear family as a goal. Why? Because as it turns out, every statistic shows this to be true!

Let’s look at the situation of not having a father in the home. Children from fatherless homes are:

15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
24.3 times more likely to run away
6.6 times more likely to drop out of high school
4.6 times more likely to commit suicide
6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institution
10.8 times more likely to commit rape
6.6 times more likely to become teenage mothers
15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager

Beyond these statistics (which can be found with any search engine using the term “fatherless children statistics”), there are substantial increases in abuse, injury, neglect or endangerment. I emphasize fatherless home stats because that is the most common missing link of a nuclear family. Thankfully, mothers are much less likely to be abandon their children. (Note: To be fair, some fathers are kept away by mothers)

Most single parents are heroes, as my mother was to my family (see my memoir, ‘A Vagabond Life: A Memoir of Father Hunger’). Single parents do the work of two parents, but they can’t provide the diverse kind of love that a mother and a father can provide. This is not to denigrate same-sex couples who, while not always providing both masculine and feminine examples, rescue children who may have neither example, giving those children love and stability. Adopting parents of all kinds are saviors to many a child!

To want the best for all children is a wonderful thing. For any particular child, the ‘best’ situation depends on that child’s circumstances, and it’s not always the nuclear family structure. As it turns out, however, it is the best situation for most children.

Summary:

I hope we can resist debate or denigrate the value of a healthy nuclear family, It may not work for some, but it is an ideal situation for most. But let’s give credit to non-nuclear families that work endlessly to teach values and provide love. Same-sex couples...to love a child when that love never existed is priceless. Single mothers…don’t be offended when we say your child could use a male mentor, As it turns out, both sons and daughters do. But that’s no reflection on your love and abilities. Most one-parent families are led by heroic, dedicated, and caring people doing the best they can. My mother did that for me and my five siblings, but we sure could have used a nurturing father. My memoir goes into detail as to why that is absolutely true.

]]><![CDATA[The Infant-Dad Connection]]>Wed, 28 Feb 2024 03:20:44 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/the-many-faces-of-a-dad

The Infant-Dad Connection

Dads, do you realize your influence on your children's behavior? How do they see you in their eyes? That connection should begin the moment your infant children are born.

Having grown to the heartbeat, breathing cadence, and voice of their mother, they need to be held and spoken to by their father to make that subtle connection with him as well. Infants are not unlike soft clay, hardening gradually month by month. You are the artisan, making them beautiful and valuable. The way they carry themselves and the joy they bring to others exhibit their beauty. They manifest their value when they become confident and self-reliant contributors to society.

Do not wait to mold your children, for if you do so, the less impact you will have on them and their future. Your influence decreases each year as they cure, forming their unique shape (personality), but a strong beginning will ensure your respect will be upheld and heard throughout their lives. This capability is essential because older children need borders for their safety, values for their integrity, and involvement for their growth.

No man is a failure who has helped a child, especially his own. So many ways exist to show your love and support. It can be as simple as a touch or a wink, as complicated as family therapy, or as thoughtful as a long-distance phone call. A dad needs to be available. The greatest single gift a man can give his children is his attention. So simple, but somehow its simplicity overlooks the importance of engagement and meaningful interaction, often set aside for another time or place. Your parenting goal should always be your best as a good father. There are reasons, obstacles, and hardships that get in the way, but no excuse should continue.

Michael Byron Smith, author of
The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Needs
A Vagabond Life: A Memoir of Fatherhood

]]><![CDATA[Why Initiative and Consequences are Necessary for a Better Country]]>Sun, 28 Jan 2024 23:01:40 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/why-initiative-and-consequences-are-necessary-for-a-better-country

My Memoir, my story encouraged me to become an advocate for Dadhood

When the citizens of a society lack initiative to improve, and bad actors have few or no consequences to fear for their actions, any society is bound to fail.

Great societies come and go. The strength that made them great can be lost over the years, bringing them down. Why? Because success brings comfort, and comfort can take away initiative. The US is at a tipping point in this regard, but we can remain a great country, not so much through government, but through our families.

While the US remains a force in educating our youth, we are slipping in many areas. According to the Programme for International Student Assessment (PISA) 2021, which tests 15-year-olds on reading, math, and science skills, the USA ranks 19th in the world. How can we remain a powerful nation when our youth, our future leaders, are not competitive? https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/education-rankings-by-country

As I state in my book, The Power of Dadhood, the root cause of such ills as poverty, drug use, teen pregnancy, and so many others are the lack of a solid family. Here is just one fact; 85% if children who show behavioral problems and 85% of youths in prison are from fatherless homes! No school system, even the best, can overcome the shackles of students with no vision, values, or discipline. Those attributes best come from the family.

The facts regarding fatherless homes are undeniable; yet some in this fatherless situation escape the penalties. I, myself, didn’t fall into that trap, but most do--at least 80% of the time.
Initiative is taking action towards something you want or desire for yourself or others. It can be as simple as showing up, or as complicated as setting a long-term goal and sticking with it. Having initiative is a key to success, but where does having initiative come from? It comes from mentoring, encouragement, introduction to innovative ideas, people, and things. It comes from a supportive family. Lacking any of that, initiative will have to come from an inner desire to remove pain or improve unfortunate circumstances. That was the path I took.

A consequence can be good, like a pat on the back or a raise for a job well done. Or a consequence can be punishment or other negative feedback to an action taken. Without consequences we don’t learn, or we learn the wrong things. When you can steal $950 in goods in California without punishment, what can we expect to happen? When parents can’t or won’t punish their children for unacceptable behavior, they continue a path of misbehavior. It becomes too easy to get what they want without having to earn it, and there is no initiative to try.

How to create more healthy families? That is the question. One answer comes from a Brookings Institute study that found if you do just three simple things, your chance of being poor drop from 15% to 2%. Those three things are:

This study also found that “unless the media, parents, and other influential leaders celebrate marriage as the best environment for raising children, the new trend--bringing up baby alone—may be irreversible.”

When young people are encouraged to take initiative, and when parents don’t ignore consequences, they will likely have success. It’s not difficult to see that strong families bring forth strong citizens, which brings forth a stronger society, bringing more strong, healthy families!

#powerofdadhood

]]><![CDATA[Meritocracy and Diversity]]>Sun, 07 Jan 2024 06:00:00 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/diversity-is-a-tool-not-a-religion $Picture$ The U.S. team tied for first place with China at the 60th International Mathematical Olympiad

Meritocracy and diversity, both important concepts. Which would you choose in a particular situation?

I was the Vice Commander of an Air National Guard unit in the 1990s when the military first pushed diversity. My Commander was not keen on pushing this agenda, so he gave me the job. I thought it was a reasonable idea, to place diversity in the mindset of our troops. I wrote a couple of articles on the topic and had a few posters made up. It did not really open anyone’s eyes or change anything. We already had females and ‘people of color’ (not a term then) in our unit. What we really had was the kind of diversity I do not think the personnel types or top leaders had in mind.

Our diversity was working as a team among unit members with different talents. We had technical specialists, managers, personnel experts, administration people, lawyers, doctors, you name it. Now that is diversity! But we were supposed to have diversity within our diverse talents. The idea was to give everyone a chance, a noble idea that falls apart when you don't always get the optimum results.

There used to be a TV show called 'College Bowl' that went off the air in 1987. It pitted students from various universities competing academically. I'm sure they picked their brightest. They could have been diverse in race, but that would have been a coincidence. in 2019, the US tied for first with China against other countries in a math competition. It just so happened that the US team consisted of six young men, five of whom were US born Asian-Americans. Had the US team gone all in on diversity they may not have won

The diversity in our military unit could be likened to a puzzle. Each puzzle piece was different, some pieces working together to solve the puzzle while other puzzle pieces did not fit in certain areas. You can’t force two pieces together that are not meant to be! Managed correctly, however, a 1000-piece puzzle will be solved when all one thousand pieces are used correctly. Diversity in thinking or talent is the best diversity. For example, the College Bowl contestants had four members per team, each with an academic specialty.

Certainly, diversity alone doesn’t solve anything! Just look at the waste of time called the United Nations. With 193 diverse countries, there are numerous lifestyles, religions, philosophies, types of governments, and personalities. The UN is the very icon of diversity. But it doesn’t work! Now look at the US Congress. People from different states ranging from right wing to left wing, working together supposedly, to make this a better country. But it doesn’t seem to work…given their miserably low success rate and putrid favorability rating.

Diversity can work and should be considered, but you cannot ‘make’ it work. It only works when there is a common goal with various ideas and methods to reach that goal. We must admit that diversity, while sometimes responsible for great insight and success, can also bring adversity. We must be a meritocracy to move forward at a greater speed and success. The best basketball team is not the most diverse. The fastest horse in a race will be a thoroughbred, not a Clydesdale. But a Clydesdale has its own contributions. Hitching a thoroughbred with a Clydesdale to pull a load would not be using diversity wisely.

The chant of diversity has become a symbol of political and social differences. Diversity has its place in society, but not as a cry for equity but a cry for success. Equity would be giving Clydesdale a furlong lead (I am guessing) so it could win half the races. That’s not right. Nor should a thoroughbred be expected pull the same weight as a Clydesdale. That is not what real diversity is meant to do. Real diversity is reaching success with a conglomeration of people doing what they do best as a cooperating team!

My memoir about father hunger available at Amazon.com and BN.com. The story behind "The Power of Dadhood"

Order Here

]]><![CDATA[36 Quick Suggestions for Your 2024 Attitude]]>Wed, 27 Dec 2023 06:00:00 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/36-quick-suggestions-for-your-2024-attitude

My granddaughter, Malia, reading when she was 11

For the New Year 2024, I hope the best for everyone. Most of it is up to you! This includes doing your best to be better no matter if it’s saving money, being a parent, or exercising. Of course, you can’t be the best at everything but you can have an great attitude! Here are some suggestions for your 2024 attitude. You don’t actually have to do these things (we can’t), but you can feel this way inside. Just think of John Travolta in the opening scene of “Staying Alive”. If that doesn’t put a bounce in your step, nothing will.

If you don’t like any of these suggestions, use your own. If you have your own thoughts on 'being like', let me know them in the comments section and I may publish them.

So......

Sing like Whitney Houston
Dance like Fred Astaire
Laugh like Eddie Murphy
Walk like John Travolta
Play like a child
Love like Mother Theresa
Pray like Billy Graham
Give like Bill Gates
Cook like Julia Childs
Inspire like Dale Carnegie
Share like Winnie the Pooh
Rock like The Rolling Stones
Swim like Michael Phelps
Run like Carl Lewis
Teach like Jesus
Be happy like Happy (one of the Seven Dwarfs)
Travel like Rick Steves
Read like my 15-year-old granddaughter
Climb Mountains like Sir Edmond Hillary
Write like Ernest Hemmingway
Build like the Egyptians
Play tennis like Serena Williams
Fly like Chuck Yeager
Exercise like Richard Simmons
Paint like Rembrandt
Design like Da Vinci
Invent like Edison
Lead like Churchill
Sleep like Rip Van Winkle
Be calm like Buddha
Study like a monk
Take photos like Ansel Adams
Ride like the Pony Express
Act like your know what you’re doing
Imagine like Elon Musk

36. But still be your best self!

#Powerofdadhood

]]><![CDATA[Old White Men]]>Mon, 18 Dec 2023 21:39:39 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/old-white-men

Author: A 73 year old white guy.

How does this work? How do I gain any traction among young people when I’m a 73 year old white guy? I've had a challenging childhood, graduated from college, served in the military, been a volunteer, written two books, been married and helped raise three successful adult children. Yet my opinions are not valid to some because of my race and age.

Have you heard anyone say, “Why should I listen to you (or him)? You are (he is) just an old white guy.” Yes. there are old white guys that have different ideas about life and many of those ideas are wrong, but not automatically wrong. It’s not so much that they are white and old, it’s about their values and how they came about. It’s no different than anyone else.

I like baseball more than football. That’s not wrong, I just grew up with baseball as a companion. I’d be surprised if someone from Alabama didn’t like football more than baseball, or if someone from Indiana enjoyed basketball best. Thoughts are just opinions, 'likes' are personal. Some thoughts and opinions are based on interests, others come from tradition, training, mentorship, or personal background. These are important factors to understand when in discussion with someone.

The first step in any discussion involving disagreement is, “Do you know where I am coming from? Do you know why I feel this way?” That certainly does not create agreement, but it does provide understanding. For instance, I staunchly support the nuclear family as the best way to raise children. But many single parents or some in the LGBTQ community may disagree, and have! I understand why. How can you champion a situation you cannot have or do not want?

Why is the nuclear family a priority to me? First of all, it just seems to be obvious, but also I was raised, not with a single mother, but with an abandoned mother. I prayed for my dad to be responsible to his family. Personally, I missed out on having my father mentor me, support me, or correct me. When I became a father myself, I did everything I could think of to be the father my father was not. My children already had what I had as a kid, a loving mother. But with my help, we raised three thriving adult children with four grandchildren headed in the right direction. My siblings and I, on the other hand, struggled mightily with self-confidence, education, money, and for many of us, marriage. As a result, I see tremendous value in the nuclear family.

It's not just my experience, the proof is in the statistics! Those statistics overwhelmingly state the case that a father in the home results in less poverty, less crime, less suicide, more education, less mental instability, etc.! I am not telling the single parents or LGBTQ community they are doing a bad job at raising kids. Often, it is the best solution possible. I am saying the children are at a disadvantage not having access to a father (or mother) in their life.

I value traditional ideals based on my life experiences. If that makes me old fashioned, then I'm good with that. Alternate lifestyles are not something I’m against for those who want them…but I’d like to see restraint when the intent is to popularize some of the more progressive lifestyles with very impressionable young people. Sexually explicit books in schools are not something I endorse. Parents not being informed by teachers regarding issues that affect their child is beyond frightening. Encouraging young people to mutilate their bodies because they feel they are in the wrong body should be met with the greatest scrutiny possible. These are considered hang ups of old white guys, not keeping up with a progressive society. But why should I not support my value system? If I and others do not, my value system will die without proper defense. If my values do die, considering a strong and logical defense has been made, then they likely deserve to die.

I think it comes down to honestly surveying your values. Knowing the difference between biases and truth, between fads and rock-solid ideals, between opinion and fact, between rebellion and progress, while understanding the motives for people’s beliefs. These are fundamental understandings to aid any discussion.

Few of us are anarchists. Conservative or liberal, we want a growing stability in the world, better lives for those coming behind us, and the ability and freedom to thrive. We won’t always agree on how to do so, but we can agree to be open to hearing the views of others and understanding their rationale, thereby helping us to be respectful while still disagreeing...or even compromising.

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My newest book is now available. It's the story of why I think fatherhood is so important!

]]><![CDATA[Naughty or Nice? Parent Edition]]>Thu, 14 Dec 2023 06:00:00 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/naughty-or-nice

My grandchildren Dec 2016

With Christmas nearing, parents’ attention turns to thoughts of ‘what do we get the kids?’ If we’re honest, it rarely has anything to do with whether they were naughty or nice. More likely, it has to do with ‘competition’! Competing for their favor or trying to keep up with what their friends have or will be getting. Or, maybe your gifts are based on guilt. Guilt for not spending enough time with them or for being too self-obsessed.

Yes, what your kids get for Christmas can be based on how naughty or nice you have been, not your children!

We have seen good parents and bad parents. Where do you stand on this scale of effective parenting? Whatever the answer, how you perform as a parent is not likely to change much unless you are truly interested in changing and are persistent in your efforts. So let us take a look at some naughty or nice parental criteria and think about how we raise our children.

A Parental ‘Naughty or Nice’ List

You show your love for your children - nice!
You’re over committed outside the family – naughty!
You give one-on-one attention to your children – nice!
You don’t really always listen when your kids talk to you – naughty!
You comfort your kids when appropriate – nice!
You and your spouse don’t agree on how to raise your kids – very naughty!
You’re tough on your kids when you need to be – nice!
You praise your children’s efforts and rejoice when they are persistent – nice!
You forget your children are watching you – naughty!
You say what you will do and do what you say – very nice!
You think you know it all when it comes to parenting – naughty!
You teach your children know how to set and meet goals – nice!
You teach your children to be self-reliant and responsible for their actions – nice!
You remember to have time to yourself, to reenergize - nice!
You have an open mind toward things you don’t understand – nice!
You love being a parent – nice!

Check this list twice, and find out if you're naughty or nice!

These are just a few of the things that most of us would consider naughty or nice as we raise our children. But all of us are naughty and nice to some degree. What we hope for is to be working towards being nicer and away from naughty. What is important to remember is to not buy your children’s love or make up for your shortcomings through expensive gifts. This and every Christmas, if you indeed celebrate Christmas, be sure to remind your family of its deeper meaning. And the wrapped gifts you give should pale in comparison to the love you have shared with every child.

#powerofdadhood

Original version published Dec 2016

]]><![CDATA[What I Really Want for Christmas!]]>Wed, 06 Dec 2023 06:00:00 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/what-i-really-want-for-christmasWishing all families be whole this Christmas season and forever more!

Photo: M.Smith

Originally written on 12/22/2014

As a kid, I remember being so excited about Christmas morning that I could barely sleep, tossing and turning all night on Christmas Eve. My brothers, sisters, and I would wake up early, usually before the sun rose, and our mouths would be as wide open as our eyes when we saw what was under a usually scraggy tree. All the presents were open before you could ask “how did Santa get in without a fireplace?” A mountain of wrapping paper covered the floor. Even though we didn’t have much money, we always seemed to have a nice Christmas one way or the other. There are many to thank for that, especially my Mom!

Then as an adult, when our kids were young, my wife and I would make sure they were asleep on Christmas Eve before making multiple trips up and down the stairs to gather all their presents and put them under the tree, hoping we could get a good night’s rest. We were a little tougher on our kids, not letting them tear into the presents right away. On Christmas morning, we (mostly my wife, Kathy) made them take turns opening their gifts so each present and each kids’ reaction were more appreciated. After a couple of Christmases like that, they cooperated nicely.

Photo: A McLellan

Now I’m a grandparent. It’s not about getting presents any longer, and we can sleep later because the grandkids come over after opening Santa’s presents at their own homes. However, we made a special request for Santa to bring some of their presents to our house.

I can’t wait to see our six year old and one year old granddaughters, and our two year old grandson opening gifts at our house. The look of excitement on the faces of little children as they rip open presents is one of life’s true joys! And yes, we ask that they take turns but, hey, they're little. Then after all gifts are open, the kids play in the boxes! On that basis, I was always good for numerous cheap presents thinking the kids don't know the difference under five years old and the act of tearing off wrapping paper was the true joy!

However, Christmas season is not just for children, it’s for families! It’s a reason to be together, to make new memories, to love and be loved, and to get to know each other just a little more. That’s what it is supposed to be like…and it is for most of us. But Christmas can also intensify whatever troubles there may be within a family.

If a member of the family, who you miss very much, is not with you on Christmas--you miss them more than ever. If there is turmoil in a family, Christmas can help to relieve that turmoil, or make it worse. Yes, Christmas is a very tough time of year for many families.

I have progressed in my wishes for Christmas over the years.

At six--a cowboy hat and a toy pistol/holster combo.
At sixteen--a mustang convertible, red with a white top.
At twenty six--a house of our own and kids.
At thirty six--suffering for all my enemies.
At forty six--World Peace!
At fifty six—retirement!
Note: I retired at 57, not bad! I'm 73 now and loving my family, and so missing my wife, who we lost 21 months ago.

I hit the jackpot at age six! The others Christmas wishes had to wait a little while, or I’m still waiting. But now I have a new wish.

So what do I really want for Christmas now that I have seen a few years? I want for other families what I am fortunate enough to already have. I want ALL families to be whole, with a mom and a dad, and throw in a few loving grandparents if possible. I want ALL kids to have good parents. I want ALL parents to have good kids with bright futures, who will become good parents themselves in a never-ending cycle of whole, mostly happy, productive families.

Hummm, sounds like I’m back to World Peace. Well, it never hurts to dream!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Photo: M. Smith

]]><![CDATA[Tools are the Best Gift a Parent Can Give a Child!]]>Thu, 30 Nov 2023 06:00:00 GMThttp://michaelbyronsmith.com/blog-helping-fathers-to-be-dads/tools-are-the-best-gift-a-parent-can-give-a-child

Not all tools are metal and wood. Some are skills to be understood.

Did you ever use a butter knife for a screwdriver - or a shoe for a hammer? I have! They don't work as well as the real tools.

I once interviewed for a job I wanted very much. I was qualified but I didn't get it. You know why? I lacked a critical social tool, confidence!

We all know a simple fishing pole can feed someone more often than a coupon at Long John Silver’s. Think about that! A tool, used properly, is a gift that keeps on giving. Once you use the coupon, you're done!

What kind of tools do you ask?

Having success in as many areas as possible is crucial, because the more tools one has, the more flexibility to adjust. Be aware of where your children may need help – help as in tools, not sympathy, or money, or things.

I'd like to quote a passage from my book, “The Power of Dadhood,” in which I discuss success in five areas.

From: The Power of Dadhood

In baseball, a “five-tool” player is one who can run, throw, field, hit for average, and hit with power. Few players fit the description of a five-tool player. When they do fulfill their potential in this way, they attain fame and fortune.

Highly successful people also have tools in five areas of success:

Financial Success: Not necessarily having a lot of money, but knowing how to manage the money you do have.
Relationship Success: Having loving friends and family members who can be counted on in good times and bad, just as they count on you.
Intellectual Success: Maximizing your intellect by being open to others, their ideas, and their culture. Always being open to learning. Having confidence, patience, and empathy while understanding your strengths and weaknesses, and those of others.
Physical Success: Giving your body and mind the exercise, nutrients, and rest they need.
Spiritual Success: Being able to live outside the needs of your ego with love and understanding for people and all living things. {This could be, but not necessarily, through your religion}

Dad Tip:

Being a “Five-Tool Success” isn’t inborn; it’s taught. And while both parents have a good deal to say in teaching this to their children, as Dads we can assess our children’s abilities and objectively help them meet their goals.

As fathers, giving our children these tools of success would be our own truest success. Look at each of your children. Which of these five tools does each of them need your help with? It will likely be different for each child. Spend time with each to teach, mentor, and encourage them as they make their way to success.

If you find one tool in which they all need help, it may be related to how they were raised. Hopefully you can recognize their shortcomings even if you have the same issues. To overcome these shortcomings, listen to the trusted advice of others, read voraciously, and practice what you learn. It will help if you can teach your children with the conviction of experience rather than just book learning.

Always remember the #powerofdadhood - and use your power wisely!

Watch out for my new book, "A Vagabond Life - A Memoir of Father Hunger", coming soon on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. It is the story of my growing up without a responsible father. This story is the catalyst for my blogs, and the reason I wrote, "The Power of Dadhood".
Thank You!

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